In the interests of self care, and to promote healthier lifestyle choices for myself now that I'm single, each morning when I get up, I look myself in the mirror, and say the three little words I always used to say to my wife

"You're too fat"

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:
“The reason for your lifestyle is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do for...

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The Politician and Sex Workers

A politician visited Sex Workers Anonymous in order to get more information about how these women in his community were doing. He meets three poor prostitutes and speaks to them that their lifestyle is hurting them and that depending on how often they were engaged in the business, he would provide t...

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

...

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A boy from working class family hears about the crash of the economy

He comes home, runs to his dad and asks him

“Dad, they told us in school that the economy crashed, and that it’s going to affect everyone’s lifestyle. Is it going to affect ours?”

His dad replied : “Don’t worry son, it’s only going to affect the lifestyle of the rich.

You and ...

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The reasoning behind both Japan's aging population and healthy lifestyle

A long-running fear of another Fat Man and Little Boy

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Russian mafioso visits Italian mafioso

They talk about their lifestyles and Italian asks "Hey, do you have newest model of Mercedes?" No, I don't." Admits Russian. "Well, how can you call yourself mafioso if you don't. Russian fumes but doesn't say anything. "And does your house have three storeys?" "No, it does not." "Well, how can you ...

There's a new epic movie coming out about Harry & Meghan abandoning the royalty and moving to Georgia to lead an agrarian lifestyle.

It's called ***Gone with the Windsors***

Three men found a genie lamp that grants the opposite of what is wished

The first man wishes that he would win the lottery. He buys his first ticket, and loses, buys his second ticket, and loses. Every week the man dumped his savings into lottery tickets, until he was completely broke.

The second man wishes for a healthy and long life. He decides to abuse his wis...

Malcolm X

TIL that right before his death, Malcolm X was working on a book denouncing the factory farm system and advocating for a vegetarian lifestyle. It was going to be called "By Any Greens Necessary"

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Glad my friend finally found a good diet/lifestyle to lose her weight without being miserable all the time.

Considering how she's allergic to everything. It's nice to see there is such a thing that is gluten-free and dairy free. She seems stronger, more energetic, more alert than usual. She even looks a lot skinnier as advertisement, too. I heard some celebrity follow this diet but don't tell anyone since...

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A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange.

A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange. The man looks healthy enough, dressed well, clean shaven, etc., but when the doctor asks him to pull down his pants, sure enough, his penis is bright orange! The doctor has never seen a case like this before, so he begins to...

A man is being interviewed for a job (Long)

-What do you drive right now sir?

-An old food truck

-Well, if you are hired here you'll be driving a brand new BMW; Now, where do you live?

-In an old house in a dangerouse part of the city

-Well, if you are hired here, you would be livin in a three story mansion in the ...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

The real reason not to do anything against climate change

Just think how dumb we'd look in front of our children, if twenty years from now we discover climate change was in fact not real. We'd have cleaned the ocean and the cities, preserved the rain forests and millions of species, innovated in multiple industries, made the air breathable again, created a...

If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle...

why wasn't he James Stock?

-Caroline

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Apple breast implants

Apple is working on smart breast implants, which can adapt their shape and texture to suit your lifestyle. The iTit can be used charge your mobile devices while browsing, as cupholders, and even as a self defence device. Future app updates will include anti jiggle functions, as well as an automated ...

Thanks to my recent change to a healthier lifestyle, I am no longer fat and ugly

Now I'm just ugly

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4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.

So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lambo...

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Why can't the aussie go on a "no cussing challenge?"

It's a part of his lifestyle, he cunt do it

I can’t afford my comedic lifestyle...

My jokes have too much overhead.

You're meeting identical triplets tonight. One's from the Army, one's a lifestyle Vegan, and one is a diehard Trump supporter. How do you tell them apart?

Don't worry. They'll tell you.

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A Wall Street stockbroker decides to go off the grid completely

He’s had enough of that dog eat dog lifestyle and the stress and rat race of NYC.

So he buys a cabin in a remote part of the Adirondacks. Closest neighbor is miles away on a neighboring mountain. Pure solitude, nature, zero cell phone service, no electricity.

Months go by and he has ze...

Married men don't have a Lifestyle....

They live according to Wifestyle

Long- There is this old couple who could no longer care for themselves so they join an assisted living center

At first everything is going fine as they transition to the new lifestyle. When they first had joined the center they were seen as a loving couple as he had his hand on her thigh and she had her hand on his but over time they seemed to drift apart and about a year later he no longer even sat with he...

A very energetic old woman is approached by a middle aged man.

The middle aged man says “Ma’am, pardon me, You look so fit for a woman at this age. I’m amazed! Do you mind if you share the secret?”

The woman replied, “Oh sure, nothing special” “I’m just living the life like most people here.. I’m a night person so I rarely sleep at night.. I smoke 3 pack...

A Midwest farmer was describing his lifestyle to a touring group of city folks.

"One of the benefits of this profession," he explained, "is that we have built-in weather predictions."


"What do you mean by that?" asked one inquisitive visitor.


"When the cows are standing," the farmer explained, "it means no rain is likely for the next twenty-four hours. W...

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I took this woman home from the bar and we were about to have sex...

So I pulled out a Lifestyles condom, and she said, "Ewww, where did you get that thing?"

I said, "I got it for free, they were handing them out at the bar."

She said, "Ewww, that's gross."

I said, "Well, that's where I got you!"

What do you call an easy lifestyle revolving around eating Chinese food?

Lo Meintenance

Three men, John, Paul, and Bob live horrible lives and go to hell. When they arrive, a hideously ugly woman appears out of nowhere. Suddenly, a loud booming voice says,

"John! You have sinned! In reparation for your atrocious lifestyle you are condemned to sleep with this woman." With a cry of dismay, John is a whisked away to endure this horrible penance. Suddenly, another even uglier more hideous woman comes forward.

"Paul! You have sinned! In reparation f...

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RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

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I used to have chronic diarrhea.

It went away after I made some positive lifestyle changes.

I really got my shit together.

Your momma is so fat..

That she really needs to make an immediate lifestyle change. Heart disease is the number one killer in America. There is no better time than now to make a change before it’s too late.

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One day, a red fruit loop looked at himself in the mirror and said, "I need to become an orange fruit loop."

It was a daunting task. But after working out for two hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a degree in economics, *wa-zaam!* he was an orange fruit loop. But he was still hungry.

Again Looking at himself in the mirror, he said, "I need to become a yellow fruit loop." It was a d...

My girlfriend has started requesting ribbed, flavored, and glow-in-the-dark condoms instead of being satisfied with regular ones.

I can't keep up with the drastic changes in Lifestyles.

Why are some rocks so lazy?

They live a sedimentary lifestyle.

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A moth goes to the pediatrist.

The pediatrist asks him what the problem is. The moth sighs and says, “Well...it’s my job. I’ve been at the mill for nigh on two decades and I have begun to feel like I’m just plugging along waiting for the end. I’m still working toward something, but I thought by the time I got to be this age I’d h...

Fish goes to doctor

Fish goes to doctor. Doctor says, "Hello, sir. What brings you in today?"


The fish replies, "Everything. I hurt my back at work, I have a cold, my eyesight is going, and I have high blood pressure."


The doctor raises his eyebrows, jots down some notes on his clipboard, and says...

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A boy named Steve was being bullied by a boy named Billy.

Billy's parents were vegan, and one day Billy's father had a stroke out of nowhere, despite his healthy lifestyle.

Ever since Billy's dad was hospitalized after the stroke, Billy became very more and more aggressive to the point where he would bully Steve and hurl insults at him daily for no ...

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A dwarf is sent to prison for securities fraud

One night he is able to slip under the fence and escape. He runs into the woods for as long as he can, and decides to hide in a tree, in case the guards come to track him down. After some time he falls asleep, being exhausted from running so far. He dreams of freedom and spending his hidden fortune....

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A business man

A business man got tired of his boring office job and decided on a change in lifestyle. He quit his job the next day and decided to work on a ranch. He was set to the menial task of setting and building fence along the property line. Working alongside the other ranch hands all day, he noticed one fe...

I have recently become a new man

I don't drink, i smoke very rarely, i don't stare at girls, i go to sleep early, i wake up early and I work hard everyday. My supervisors are happy with me. I will definitely abandon this lifestyle once i get out of jail.

The daughter of a melon farmer and a travelling musician met one day and fell in love at first sight

The woman’s name was Angie, a beautiful, red-haired woman with a smile so magnetic and radiant one couldn’t help but fall head-over-heels; the musician’s name was Zachary, a strapping, young lad with flowing, blonde hair and broad shoulders, just wide enough to give him a powerful physique yet not i...

A man went to the doctor asking what he could do to live longer.

The doctor asked him some preliminary questions.

"Do you drink much?"

"No, Doctor."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, Doctor."

"Do you stay up late or go to wild parties?"

"No, Doctor."

"Do you eat fatty or sugary foods?"

"No, Doctor."

"Do you consum...

A girl is standing in a busy town square holding a sign..

saying "everyone I need to tell you something important, my life depends on it"

A huge Line has formed leading up to her, and its moving fairly fast, so I decided to join it behind a nice young fellow in a yellow suit.

He looks at me and smiles, and says "are you here for the importa...

Did you hear about the mathmatician's wife?

It all started when they got married. She sat down on the couch every single day, and screamed at him for not cleaning the house, doing the laundry, or washing the dishes while she was watching TV.

Of course, such a static lifestyle only makes you less healthy. So after a while, she grew fatt...

A woman is driving down a road when she sees...

A man who looks well over 100 years old sitting in a rocking chair in front of a house. She decides she can't let this opportunity go and she must find out the secret to his longevity so she goes up to the man and asks him to tell her about his lifestyle. The man says "I smoke 10 packs of cigarett...

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A family of cockroaches has been traveling up and down the Vegas strip for several months.

Their time was spent visiting the many hotels and resorts that Vegas has to offer.

They only stayed at each hotel for a few weeks before moving on, because they didnt want to attract the attention of exterminators. However, by the third month of this nomadic lifestyle, the parent roaches sta...

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A millionaire and his wife

A millionaire and his wife lead a lavish lifestyle, until one day the guy lost everything in a shady investment. That night he went home and explained their diminished financial status to his wife.

"Since we need to start saving, you should learn to cook so we can let go of our personal chef...

A Pastor dies & gets to Heaven ...

He arrives at the pearly gates. Saint Peter is sitting high atop a chair at a podium greets him. "John H Smith, welcome to Heaven. We have seen your life's work. Here is a key to your mansion with 10 rooms, silver gilded windows & golden walls. 20 angels to help you with your daily lifesty...

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A man goes to the doctor...

he tells the doctor "Doc! My dick has turned orange!", the doctor goes "well have you had any recent changes in lifestyle?". the man says "Well I recently lost my job", the doctor asks "anything else?", he goes "well I've been eating cheetos and watching a lot of porn"

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How to get into a girl's pants.

1. Start off with casual conversation.

2. Ask her questions, PERSONAL questions about herself and her lifestyle, and make sure to look her in the eye.

3. Do not initiate physical contact at this moment.

4. Figure out whether or not you want something from this girl from this sta...

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The power of suggestion

Once, a hypnotist bombastically said he would take everyone in the hall together into a “let go” state of hypnosis all at once. “I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It has been in my family for six generations,” he said. He began to swing the watch gen...

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Old man and the IRS

Grandpa gets an audit letter in the mail and shows up to his appointment at the IRS building with his lawyer. They enter the room, sit down, and the IRS agent starts to question them.

>*IRS Agent*: "**Well, sir, we think it is a little odd that you have no official income, but are able to...

I wouldn't say wine tasting is a hobby of mine.

It's a lifestyle.

I'm not a germaphobe.

I just don't agree with their lifestyle.

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A businessman goes to the doctor about an intimate problem... NSFW

"Well, it's a bit embarrassing," he says.
"That's OK," says the doctor. "Take your time and start at the beginning."
The businessman takes a deep breath, and begins.
"I think it's my lifestyle " he says. "You see, every morning I get woken up by my maid. She's a gorgeous blonde, and we have...

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The Orange Penis

A man is at the doctor's office. He says, “Doc, you gotta help me, my penis is bright orange and I’m afraid of the worst.”

The doctor examines the penis and it is, indeed, bright orange but the doctor can’t make a diagnosis. He spends the next several hours running every relevant test that he...

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A man was getting his physical...

when he then brings up a problem:

Man:Doc, you got to help me. When I wake up, I have a quickie with my wife, then carpool to work with my neighbor's wife who gives me road head, then at work, I pork my secretary for a few hours, then go to lunch at the strip club, where I have a three-way in...

I go to the Jim every morning

Are you thin? Are you overweight? Are you fighting the battle of the bulge? Do you have a sedentary lifestyle? Are you plain lazy? Do you have someone or the other always telling you to go to the gym?

Here's something for you...

"Instead of calling my bathroom the John, I call it the J...

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Mary Under had been teaching for a long time.

She taught 5th grade for 25 years all while enjoying a plain lifestyle. Having never married, she was not a complicated woman. She always brought the same leftovers in the same Tupperware for lunch. She had one fork, one spoon, one knife, and one bowl. Her classroom had little decoration, and her ho...

Another Jewish joke...

The daughter of an elderly Jewish couple brings home a man that she would like to marry. He turns out to be a Torah scholar. After dinner, the father and the suitor sit down together and the father asks "how will you treat my daughter as the princess she is in my eyes?" and the suitor says "I will w...

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One day, the janitor at the zoo is approached by the manager...

"Look, janitor", says the manager. "Our most popular gorilla just died, and its gonna be a couple of weeks before our new gorilla ships in. The kids come from all over just to see this gorilla, and our admission sales are gonna drop dramatically if we don't have a gorilla for the rest of the quarter...

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My dog...

[**Warning: Quite lengthy**]

Usually, anyone who has a dog calls him Rover, Spot or Tiger or some such name. I called mine Sex, and it got me into constant trouble.

One day when he was young, I took Sex for a walk and he slipped his collar and ran away. I spent hours looking for him. A...

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Englishman / Irishman

An Englishman stands at the bottom of the hill, looking up at the man with his mansion, his fancy car and his extravagant lifestyle and says, "Someday, I'll be as rich as that man."

An Irishman stands at the bottom of the hill, looking up at the man with his mansion, his fancy car and his ext...

Two blondes from the city

So two blondes live together in the city and have been itching for a new life. They seek a rural and country lifestyle and want to own a farm.

The first blonde pitches to the other the idea of starting a real farm, with a bull as their first animal, for which to plow the fields they're sure ...

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Washing cars

One day, little Jimmy was walking home from school when something catches his eye. Peering into a shop window he saw a brand new red bicycle. "Wow," he thought to himself, "that sure is a great looking bike but neither my parents or I can afford it!". Jimmy stares at it in admiration for a few minut...

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A man goes to a doctor

And says "Doc, this is really embarrassing and has been happening for way to long before I finally came in to see you. My dick is turning orange."

"Orange?" the doctor replies "Drop your trousers and let's have a look."

The man sheepishly drops his drawers and reveals his neon orange w...

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A visit to the doctor

A man goes to see his doctor about a symptom he's noticed recently.

"Doc, I think something's wrong with my penis. It has a distinctly orange color to it lately."

"Well, have you been tested for any STDs?"

"Yes - all the results were clear, so that can't be it."

"Have yo...

Three strings are going out drinking...

But sadly, they live in a world where strings aren't allowed to drink. They are tired of this lifestyle, however, and they want to have their drinks no matter what, so they head out to the local bars. At the first bar they come to, they try to be straight up about it. The strings walk up to the b...

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