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What do rappers and vegans have in common?

Fake beef

How do you kill a vegan vampire?

Drive a steak through it's heart

What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?

One is disgusted by rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by lack of RAM.

My vegan girlfriend dumped me. The other day I bit into a vegan sandwich and cried.

Not because I missed her but because it was vegan.

why did the vegan cross the road?

To tell you they're vegan

A vegan bitcoin investor who does CrossFit and didn't vote in the 2016 election walks into a bar.

Now everyone's wondering what he's gonna bring up first.

Why do vegans never argue?

Because they can't have beef.

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a masturbating Vegan?

A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit
and vegetables are grocer.

I had a really tasty vegan steak last week.

Changing the subject, anyone know a good lawyer for defending a murder case?

I had vegan soup

it was soup herb

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't vegans moan during sex?

They don't want anyone to know they are satisfied with a piece of meat.

I was walking downtown, and I saw a sign advocating veganism, that showed a pig and a dog.

It said, "why love one and eat the other?" I thought to myself, "that is a good point. I should start eating dogs."

After my friend turned vegan...

It was like I'd never seen herbivore

I’ve been vegan for 90% of my life.

The other 10% I’ve spent eating.

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Why vegans don't moan during sex

It's coz they're afraid to admit that some meat makes them happy

A girl came up to me and said she recognised me from Vegan Club.

Pretty sure I’d never met herbivore

If you meet a vegan who’s into CrossFit…

What won’t they shut up about first?

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I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand...

WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?

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A married woman comes home early and finds her husband

having ferocious sex with a young attractive woman in their marital bed. She immediately says:

“You bastard, you son of a bitch, I’m calling my lawyer and divorcing you this minute, after all The love and devotion I have given you all these years, this is how you repay me?!!”

The husb...

I decided to become vegan today

The hardest part is quitting cold turkey.

What did the vegan with Alzheimers eat?

Word salad.

My New Year’s Resolution is to switch to a vegan diet in 2022.

Luckily I just got covid, so I won’t notice any difference!

How can you tell someone is vegan?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

How do you know aliens are not vegan?

Because they haven't contacted us to say it.

What is the difference between being vegan and having Covid 19 ?

With Covid the loss of taste is only temporary..

What do you feed a vegan vampire?

A blood orange!

A Linux user, a vegan, and an atheist walk into a bar....

I know because they told everybody there

How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to get on their high horse and the other to chastise them for oppressing the horse.

What’s the toughest thing about being a vegan?

Apparently, keeping it to yourself.

If you bury 10 vegans....

Would you get mass grave or compost?

All my pets are vegan by choice and I know you can't change them!

Say hello to my goat, rabbit and cow

If vegans have an argument...

Is it still called beef?

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention

Veganism is like Communism

They are both fine, unless you like food

Yo momma is so vegan and fat...

..that she ate a meal and got arrested for deforestation.

I put my Dobermans on a vegan diet and I'm worried about their nutrition.

Between the five of them, they're getting through a vegan a week - am I overfeeding them?

What was the Vegan Metal Bands name?

Plantera

A vegan, a crossfitter, and a Trump supporter walk into a bar…

But how can you know that?

Oh, they’ll definitely tell you.

Vegans...

If two vegans are arguing, is it still considered 'beef"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if your joke pisses off a vegan?

Don't worry, they will let you know.

How do you call Bruce Lee's vegan cousin?

Broco Lee

What happens when a vegan gets mad?

They throw a tempeh tantrum.

Vegans are a lot like vampires...

...always going on about their diet "blah, blah-blah"

I want to tell you about a vegan girl.

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

A vegan, an anti-vaxxer, and a flat earther walk into a bar

I know because they told everyone in 5 minutes.

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I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.

At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

What do you call vegans who are kinda cool?

Radish

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Since vegans can't beat their meat what do they call masturbating?

Stem cell research.

First rule of vegan fight club...

Tell EVERYONE about vegan fight club !

A dispute between two vegans at green grocers shop turned violent when one of them started throwing a leaf vegetable with somewhat jagged leaves at the other! The second vegan responded by picking them up and hurling them back!

It was either kale or be kaled.

I met Bruce Lee's vegan brother today.

His name is Brocko Lee.

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

If a vegan accidentally eats meat...

Do they break out in chives?

What do vegan black holes say?

"I'm on a strictly planet based diet"

What do you call vegan foie gras?

faux gras

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

Vegans are actually quite good people

Expecially when you use the right spices.
- notes from a cannibal

Why was the vegan comet upset?

As he entered the atmosphere he became a little meteor.

I'm a social vegan.

I avoid meet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between vegans and my ass

Vegans don't eat meat, while my ass has always some meat inside it

Which social media platform vegans hate the most?

Google meet

A man was looking for a unique pet...

A man was looking for a unique pet so he stopped at a pet store off the beaten path in New York City. He went inside and asked the pet shop owner to show him something different.

"Well right over here we have a magic rat. I won't tell you what it does but trust me, it is unique."

His c...

How do you find a vegan at a dinner party?

Don’t worry, they’ll let you know.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between vegans and strippers?

Vegans rub it in your face for free.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vegans don't beat their meat

They jerk their vegetable.

What's the difference between a vegan and a straight male submissive?

A vegan craves umami. A male sub craves "ooh mommy".

How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger?

One if nobody's looking.

What do my dms and a vegan get together have in common

There's a whole lot of unwanted meet

Nike have unveiled a pair of trainers made from pineapple leather to appeal to Vegans...

They tried other fruits, but reviews said the ones made from bananas felt too much like slippers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a vegan cake out of Pokemon

It was butterfree

What do you call a vegan Tyrannosaurus rex?

A tree rex.

So a woman is chasing down an ice cream truck...

... And the ice cream man stops and says, "What can I get for you, Ma'am?" She says "Nothing, just wanted to tell you I'm vegan."

Why is it hard for Catholics to be vegan?

Because they eat meat every Sunday.

Where do you find the best vegetables to eat?

The answers are very different for a vegan and a cannibal.

Damn I must be an annoying person to be around

I spilled my vegan protein shake while doing crossfit which short circuited my Arch Linux computer. There is no god.

Being Vegan gives you a superpower

The power to annoy all of your friends.

Vegan joke

A friend of mine, Hunter, came out as Vegan.

He left our friend group after we started calling him gatherer.

A Vegan and a CrossFitter walk into a bar…

But they couldn't get a single word in because someone just got their vaccine shot

AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich?

Oops wrong sub

I was eating a cheeseburger when I was confronted by a vegan.

The vegan said I should give up killing and eating cows, he said I should start eating vegan. If prepared right, you will get more vitamins and enjoy it more.

At the end of the day, he was right, cooked properly, he was delicious.

What do vegan communists really, really enjoy?

the soyviet union.

When in rome do what the romans do!

when in vegas do what the vegans do!

An atheist, vegan, and cross fit athlete walk into a bar.

We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.

So I put my dog on a vegan diet

Don’t worry, I only feed him the finest vegans I can find

Tesla owners are the new vegans:

How do you know if someone is a Tesla owner?
They'll tell you.

What do you call a sunburnt vegan?

A baked bean

A vegan enters a restaurant and asks the waiter for advice what to order.

"A taxi."

What did the cannibal mother say as her family entered the coma ward of the hospital.

Eat your vegetables.

I know its bad but everytime i hear the vegan teacher say that sentece its all i can think about.

As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding.

Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?

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