What's the toughest part of being a vegan?

Apparently keeping it to yourself.

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

What do rappers and vegans have in common?

Fake beef

How do you kill a vegan vampire?

Drive a steak through it's heart

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why vegans don't moan during sex

It's coz they're afraid to admit that some meat makes them happy

I put my Dobermans on a vegan diet and I'm worried about their nutrition.

Between the five of them, they're getting through a vegan a week - am I overfeeding them?

How do you know aliens are not vegan?

Because they haven't contacted us to say it.

How do you call Bruce Lee's vegan cousin?

Broco Lee

What happens when a vegan gets mad?

They throw a tempeh tantrum.

Vegans are a lot like vampires...

...always going on about their diet "blah, blah-blah"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My uncle was vegan. That made his porn interesting.

The first porno I saw was Debbie Does Sallad.

What do vegan black holes say?

"I'm on a strictly planet based diet"

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention

What do you call a city full of vegans?

Las Vegans


(badum tsss)

Which social media platform vegans hate the most?

Google meet

When two vegans get into a fight......

Is it still called a beef?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between vegans and my ass

Vegans don't eat meat, while my ass has always some meat inside it

I want to tell you about a vegan girl.

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

My friend became a vegan recently.

She’s changed a lot and it’s like I’ve never met herbivore.

How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to get on their high horse and the other to chastise them for oppressing the horse.

A vegan, an anti-vaxxer, and a flat earther walk into a bar

I know because they told everyone in 5 minutes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since vegans can't beat their meat what do they call masturbating?

Stem cell research.

What does a vegan zombie eat?

Graaaaaaaaaaains

If a vegan accidentally eats meat...

Do they break out in chives?

So a woman is chasing down an ice cream truck...

... And the ice cream man stops and says, "What can I get for you, Ma'am?" She says "Nothing, just wanted to tell you I'm vegan."

Why was the vegan comet upset?

As he entered the atmosphere he became a little meteor.

Vegans are actually quite good people

Expecially when you use the right spices.
- notes from a cannibal

How do find a vegan in the room?

Don't worry, they will tell you

What's the difference between being vegan and having Covid 19?

With Covid the loss of taste is only temporary...

A vegan told me people who sold meat were disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.

I met Bruce Lee's vegan brother today.

His name is Brocko Lee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vegans don't beat their meat

They jerk their vegetable.

Nike have unveiled a pair of trainers made from pineapple leather to appeal to Vegans...

They tried other fruits, but reviews said the ones made from bananas felt too much like slippers.

The Vegan Paradox

Vegans eat Legumes......

Yet they say they would never eat anything with a pulse.....

What's the number one rule of Vegan Fight Club?

Tell everybody

I'm a social vegan.

I avoid meet.

What do my dms and a vegan get together have in common

There's a whole lot of unwanted meet

You know that mouth-watering sensation you get when you're grilling a fat, juicy steak?

I wonder if vegans get that when they mow the lawn.

i told my family i was going vegan

im quitting cold turkey

What do you call vegans who are kinda cool?

Radish

What's more fun than a vegan at a BBQ?

Anything. Literally anything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell someone is a vegan?

They won’t fucking shut up about it.

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a masturbating Vegan?

A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)

What do you call a vegan Tyrannosaurus rex?

A tree rex.

What do vegan communists really, really enjoy?

the soyviet union.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a vegan cake out of Pokemon

It was butterfree

Vegan joke

A friend of mine, Hunter, came out as Vegan.

He left our friend group after we started calling him gatherer.

Tesla owners are the new vegans:

How do you know if someone is a Tesla owner?
They'll tell you.

What's the difference between a vegan and a straight male submissive?

A vegan craves umami. A male sub craves "ooh mommy".

My wife lied about being vegan

She ate animal crackers.

What do you call a sunburnt vegan?

A baked bean

Being Vegan gives you a superpower

The power to annoy all of your friends.

How do you know if a Vegan joke is a re-post?

[OC]

It's been on "Here Bivore."

How do you find a vegan at a dinner party?

Don’t worry, they’ll let you know.

Annoying a vegan...

...is like shooting fish in a barrel. Which annoys them even more

Veganism is like Communism

They are both fine, unless you like food

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.

At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

Vegan Meat

I went to a steak restaurant if they had a vegan option available. They told me that all of their meat is vegan.

I was a bit surprised and they offered to show me how they make their food. I was taken to a door near the back where some cows where grazing. One was taken and beheaded. Then an...

So I put my dog on a vegan diet

Don’t worry, I only feed him the finest vegans I can find

This vegan girl said she knew me from somewhere

I told her I never met herbivore

Whats the only group of people that cant argue

Vegans. They don't want the beef

I was eating a cheeseburger when I was confronted by a vegan.

The vegan said I should give up killing and eating cows, he said I should start eating vegan. If prepared right, you will get more vitamins and enjoy it more.

At the end of the day, he was right, cooked properly, he was delicious.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love how these “vegans'' still drink water

that's a fish's house you bitch!

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

A vegan enters a restaurant and asks the waiter for advice what to order.

"A taxi."

What’s the hardest thing about being a vegan that CrossFits?

Trying to decide which one to tell people about first.

At the urging of some friends I tried eating vegan for a week

It was awful! I couldn’t catch a single one. They’re quick!

Why do vegans give good head?

They are always eating nuts

A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar

They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. ...

Splitting hairs.

A guy goes downtown to cut his hair, but the place is packed.

Surprisingly he finds his friend waiting outside the venue. "I thought you were a vegan!" He says.

"I am, what's so astonishing?" The friend responded.

"I never thought to find you at a barber's queu!"

Did you hear about the girl who recently decided to eat vegan?

Of course you did.

How long does it take a vegan to finish a hamburger?

5 seconds depending on if anybody is watching the dog.

AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich?

Oops wrong sub

more zombie jokes

What does a vegan zombie eat?

Graaiinnss

What does a zombie plumber work on?

Draaiinnss

What does a zombie conductor work on?

Traaiinnss

What equipment does a zombie construction worker operate?

Craaanness

What is a zombie poets favorite form?<...

[Long] I was working the register of a pharmacy when a woman came up to me asking for breath mints.

I pointed her to the candy aisle and told her they were about halfway down on the left.

She said that she'd been down there already, and that all of the mints had loads of sugar in them, and if she them they'd make her hyper and overly excited.

I had never heard of anyone getting too e...

And she ain’t no vegan

Since COVID, my wife and I have both been working from home. I've really been enjoying all of the lunch meatings.

How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger?

One if nobody's looking.

What’s the similarity between a vegan and a frat boy?

They always manage to slip it in.

I tried a vegan steak the other day and it was really good!

Cannibalism isnt for everyone but I sure like it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand...

WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

Why are most ghosts vegans?

Because it is super natural

People keeping telling me that, to stay healthy, I should "Eat Vegan"

The trouble is, when you do, you find there is no meat on them.

I blame the lousy diet.

Vegans

A t-Rex met a vegan one day who claimed that she knew the Rex, but he never met herbivore.



Alright I know it’s bad, but I don’t carrot at all. I’ve bean at worse places before.


Btw I would like to state that I believe people can choose to eat whatever they want, and being a...

My dog is vegan but he is kind of a hypocrite about it.

He has a fur coat that he always wears.

I only eat vegan meat.

I've got two in my freezer right now.

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