Vegan Jokes - 86 Hilarious Vegan Jokes

What's the toughest part of being a vegan?

Apparently keeping it to yourself.

What's the only thing a vegan kills?

A conversation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a masturbating Vegan?

A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit
and vegetables are grocer.

How do you know aliens are not vegan?

Because they haven't contacted us to say it.

Veganism is like Communism

They are both fine, unless you like food

Yo momma is so vegan and fat...

..that she ate a meal and got arrested for deforestation.

I have this recurring nightmare where not only am I forced to become Vegan

I'm then stranded alone on a desert island and there's nobody to tell.

A Crossfitter, a Vegan and an Atheist walk into a bar....

I only know because they told *everybody* within two minutes of walking in.

I'm 95% vegan now...

Basically, I'm vegan all the time. Except when I'm eating

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.

At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."

credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

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An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar...

and I only know this because they won't shut the fuck up about it.

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A vegan is at the entrance of a university campus trying to get others to become vegan

He sees an angry and disappointed kid walking out of the campus, and takes the opportunity to ask if they want to become vegan.

“You know who else was vegan?” the angry kid responds. “Adolf Hitler. And I just got kicked out of art school right now, so I’m not taking any risks.”

My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan.

Its like I've never seen herbivore.

So I met a vegan.

I'd finish the joke, but she's still talking.

What's the hardest part of being a vegan?

Waking up at 4.30 am to milk the almonds.

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

What does an introverted vegan want for dinner?

Peas and quiet.

An atheist, vegan, and cross fit athlete walk into a bar.

We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill...

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.

I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

Why do vegans often look miserable in photos?

They don’t like to say ‘cheese’

My vegan girlfriend dumped me. The other day I bit into a vegan sandwich and cried.

Not because I missed her but because it was vegan.

What do you call a vegan with diarrhea?

# A Salad Shooter.

What do Vegan Zombies Crave?

GRAINS !!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't vegans moan during sex?

They don't want anyone to know they are satisfied with a piece of meat.

What do you call a vegan who’s into BDSM?

Biodegradable

A vegan bitcoin investor who owns a Tesla, does CrossFit, and refused to vote in the last election walks into a bar

The real question is, what he’s going to bring up first?

A stranger just came up to me and told me she was vegan...

I swear I've met herbivore

First rule of Vegan club:

You tell everyone about Vegan club.

What does a vegan zombie like to eat?

Graaains.

I decided to become vegan today

The hardest part is quitting cold turkey.

Vegans will be the first to invent intergalactic travel

Imagine living in the Milky Way

How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger?

One if nobody's looking.

What is the difference between being vegan and having Covid 19 ?

With Covid the loss of taste is only temporary..

AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich?

Oops wrong sub

What does a vegan say after they are bitten by a zombie?

*Graaiiiins*

Have you met Bruce Lee’s vegan brother?

He’s called Broco Lee.

This girl was handing out vegan pamphlets when she said she recognized me

I said I never met herbivore

I just found out vegan ribs are delicious.

It must be their vegetarian diet.

On a date with a vegan

I was on a date last night with this girl here is our conversation:

Her: I love Animals

Me: really I work with animals

Her: Oh are you a Vet

Me: No I’m a Butcher

I have a vegan girlfriend...

and she's nice and all, but sometimes I think she just looks at me like a piece of carrot

What do you call a vegan dinosaur?

Falafel Raptor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vegan girls never moan during sex

Because they don't want to admit that a piece of meat gave them such pleasure.

A vegan, a rabbi, and a priest walked into a bar

A vegan, a rabbi, and a priest walked into a bar. The bartender looked up and said, "What is this, a joke?"

why did the vegan cross the road?

To tell you they're vegan

Did you know nuclear energy is vegan?

100% plant produced.

Why did the vegan blow up the butcher shop?

She was just trying to make meats end.

How do you stop a vegan vampire?

With a steak through its heart.

My son joined an experiment at school, where they would see what the reaction was on wearing a “go vegan” shirt for 2 weeks. So far he has been beaten, spitted on and yelled at.

I wonder what will happen if he goes outside of our house.

What's a vegan's favorite animal?

The high horse.

What do you call a disagreement between a vegan and a vegetarian?

Beef.

What do you call a vegan who tries to push their views?

Sheriff of Not-Eating Ham

You meet a vegan pilot that's running for senate that went to Havard and does crossfit. What's the first thing they tell you?

"I use Arch btw"

How do you find a vegan at a crowded party?

Don't worry; she'll find YOU.

What's the worse job you can get as a vegan in England?

Beefeater.

I saw a vegan with a lucky rabbits foot the other day.

I’m pretty sure that’s a faux paw.

can i tell you a vegan joke?

i promise it wont be cheesy

I am a social vegan

I avoid meet.

Ba dum tiss

‪If I were to be stranded on an island with anyone I would prefer to be stranded with a vegan...

Mostly because it's healthier to eat grass-fed meat. ‬

Jeffrey Dahmer decided to go on a vegan diet

He found a family of them at the Farmers Market.

A vegan, a bitcoin trader and someone who didn’t vote in 2016 all walk into a bar.

Who tells you about it first?

what is the one rule that a gang of vegan bros live by?

Leaf before beef

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vegans masturbating

When vegans with penises masturbate, do they call it ‘beating their vegetable’?

I had a really tasty vegan steak last week.

Changing the subject, anyone know a good lawyer for defending a murder case?

How do you find a vegan at a dinner party?

Don’t worry, they’ll let you know.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand...

WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?

What's the difference between a vegan and a straight male submissive?

A vegan craves umami. A male sub craves "ooh mommy".

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

I had vegan soup

it was soup herb

If you meet a vegan who’s into CrossFit…

What won’t they shut up about first?

My New Year’s Resolution is to switch to a vegan diet in 2022.

Luckily I just got covid, so I won’t notice any difference!

All my pets are vegan by choice and I know you can't change them!

Say hello to my goat, rabbit and cow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married woman comes home early and finds her husband

having ferocious sex with a young attractive woman in their marital bed. She immediately says:

“You bastard, you son of a bitch, I’m calling my lawyer and divorcing you this minute, after all The love and devotion I have given you all these years, this is how you repay me?!!”

The husb...

I’ve been vegan for 90% of my life.

The other 10% I’ve spent eating.

So a woman is chasing down an ice cream truck...

... And the ice cream man stops and says, "What can I get for you, Ma'am?" She says "Nothing, just wanted to tell you I'm vegan."

I want to tell you about a vegan girl.

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

What do you feed a vegan vampire?

A blood orange!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

What did the vegan with Alzheimers eat?

Word salad.

A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.

It was a Wurst-Käse scenario.

Can vegans eat pudding?

No, if you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have any pudding!

I was eating a cheeseburger when I was confronted by a vegan.

The vegan said I should give up killing and eating cows, he said I should start eating vegan. If prepared right, you will get more vitamins and enjoy it more.

At the end of the day, he was right, cooked properly, he was delicious.

As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding.

Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?

A vegan, a crossfitter, and a Trump supporter walk into a bar…

But how can you know that?

Oh, they’ll definitely tell you.

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