UPJOKE
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Typical Jokes

Typical dumb blonde...

Billy-Bob and Jimmy are standing at the base of a flag-pole, looking up and scratching their heads, when a beautiful blonde woman walks by and inquires about their purpose.
"We've been hired to find out the height of this here flag-pole, such that we might fit it properly with the flag of this gr...

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Typical Men

There onced lived a rich man who wanted desperately to get married. So in order to determine a suitable wife he selected 3 women who he found attractive and gave them each $10000 to do as they please. The first woman spent her $10000 on a makeover and went to the man. She said "i spent the money on ...

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A Typical Day

*note: I made this short & simple to post it. You can flesh it way out if you tell it.*

A guy goes to the doctor, and says:

"Every morning, I wake up at 5AM, roll over and (have sex to completion with) my wife.

Then, I shower and we (have sex) again, on the breakfast table...

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Just a typical, Wednesday taxi ride...

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate g...

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I'm heartbroken! I just found out my wife is a typical racist.

See, I brought my black girlfriend over for dinner and my wife takes one look at her and says, "Get the fuck out!"

Typical White Man

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief.

The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"

The cowboy says, "...

In bogan speak, Sheila= typical Aussie girl and Bruce= typical Aussie boy.

Sheila didn’t come home one night. When Bruce asked her where she'd been she said she spent the night at a girl friend's house. Bruce was a bit suspicious she'd been sleeping around so he rang her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her. Next week Bruce didn't come home one night. Sheila ...

Nsfw What is a typical motto for a brothel?

Customers always comes first.

My girlfriend doesn't typically like kissing, so instead I tried rubbing my nose on hers...

...And I think she Inuit

A journalist goes to Russia for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.

The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the v...

Typical, isn't it? You wait for ages for a decent bukkake scene ....

Then three come at once.

Typical

An engineer is having is lunch. It is a beautiful day so he takes his brown bag lunch outside to the fountain beside the office.

He sits on the edge and is about to tuck into his sandwich when a frog hops out of the fountain and says to him "Hello! Thank goodness you're here. I am a beauti...

A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just gave birth to their first child "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 24 pounds…

Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of "Wow!"

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answ...

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It's a typical Saturday night in an Irish pub.

Chatter emerges from people seated around different tables enjoying their Guinness. Everyone is having a nice time.

Suddenly, at one of the tables where two men are seated, one of them raises his voice and says to the other: "Ye know, I FUCKED yer Mum last night!"

The pub goes quieter...

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Typical vaguely racist bar joke [xpost r/forwardsfromgrandma]

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate."
Bob, CEO...

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Statistics say that the typical man has sex 92 times a year...

I feel that December will be amazing

Typical Camp Commander

A new camp commander was appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw 2 soldiers guarding a bench. He went over and asked them why do they do it.

"We don't know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did. It is some sort of regimental tradition!"

The new camp commander sea...

Typical blonde

Billy-Bob and Jimmy stood at the base of the flagpole and looked at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing. "We should find the height of this flagpole," said Jimmy, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took the key from her purse, loosened a few screws and put the bar on the ...

Not your typical response

Some guy was having fun with another woman in her house. He finished up and as he was ready to leave, he realizes he smells like her perfume. So he had a great idea. He went to a local bar, drank a few good ones and went home.

His wife smelled him and said:
"Do you think I'm stupid, huh...

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Typical bass players

A prominent orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. At one point in the final movement of the symphony, there is a long stretch--over 20 minutes--where the basses don't play a note. So, rather than just sit there, the section leader suggested that they sneak out of the orchestra and go ...

It's so typical of my late uncle not to come to my funeral.

I went to his the selfish git.

What is soft, squishy, can be stimulated, and typically slightly darker than the rest of the body?

Your pupil.

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" S...

Typical Johnny

Teacher asks the class if they can think of a sentence with the word 'contagious' in it.

After a long pause little Johnny puts his hand up. "yes Johnny, give it a go"

I was in the car with my dad and we were driving past one of our neighbours who was painting his garden fence with a ...

Typical morning routines

Some mornings I wake up grouchy...TODAY I'm gonna let her sleep late.

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My wife is upset because I had “I Love You” tattoo’d on my penis

Apparently it’s typical of me, always trying to put words in her mouth.

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During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level He described a typical day this way:

'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big tre...

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Typical macho man...

...married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’...

Typical! No one has turned up at Camouflage Club

Again!

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Typical, I go to buy sexy underwear for a ghost.

And all they have is baguettes.

Typical USPS

Never gets your package where it was intended.



PS - Mail absentee ballots, not bombs.

Typical

Cat walks into bar and sits at the counter.
Bartender:
"What will you have?"
Cat:
"A shot of whiskey."
(Bartender pours whiskey into shot glass and gives to cat)
Cat slowly pushes the shot glass off the counter.
Cat:
"I'll have another."

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

Typical wife behavior

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them.

When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fas...

People in Finland aren’t typically violent during confrontations.

So while they may not start the fights, they sure do Finnish.

Typical! The day I decide to rob a bank

And everyone else had the same idea.

It was a typical night at a saloon in the Old West

The ranchers and townsmen were inside, drinking beer and having a good time. Some played poker, others watched the dancing girls, and music from the piano played in the background.

Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open and slammed against the walls. Everyone was startled, and the entire sal...

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Typical day

Just saw Denzel Washington on the street and said "Hey Denzel! Can I get a picture with you?" And he's all like "I'm not Denzel you racist piece of shit." Classic Denzel.

What language speaks a typical Belgian beer maker?

Hebrew

Typical Mayans ...

4 years late

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Typical Country Weather

This indian on the side of the road looks across the street where he sees this white guy. Every time the white guy sees a hot girl walking by he goes up to her and whispers something in her ear, and she either walks away smiling or she goes into the bushes with him for 20 minutes or so. After a coup...

What kind of job do millennials typically prefer?

A rimjob.

People don't typically wear glasses while boxing....

It's more of a contacts sport

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Typical blonde

Death: It's your time. give me your hand


Blonde: No! i know that if i dont touch you then I'll never die!

Death: Holy shit! You figured out the key to living forever! You're soooo smart! High five!


Blonde: *high fives*

Death: Typical blonde... Dumbass...

TYPICAL WOMEN..

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not t...

How do you know if it's not your typical prostate exam?

When there's two hands on your back.

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A black man and a white man walk into a bakery

The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the white, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The white man says to the black man, "That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

...

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At your next helloween party expect to see the typical costumes.

The sexy nurse, the sexy nun and the sexist judge.

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Anyone know where I can find someone to share a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations?

Asking for a friend.

Did you know that cultures with arranged marriages typically serve melon at the wedding feast?

Yep. It symbolizes the fact that they cantelope.

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What does a typical blonde do to her arsehole in the morning?

She packs his lunch and sends him off to work.

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Just a typical interview

"What's your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't really think that's a weakness."

"I don't give a fuck what you think."

Why do husband's typically die before their wife?

Because they want to

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My girlfriend screamed accusingly, "You're just a typical man! Always thinking with your dick!"

I shot back, "Ok smart ass! Blow my mind!"

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A lady is standing on the top a ledge over a canyon

She’s about to jump when a homeless guy runs over and says ..

“I know what you’re about to do !”

“How would you like to have sex one last time before you go?”

The lady says, “Typical! You’re just like every other guy…

trying to talk me into having sex instead of jumping o...

I recently found out that suicide by rope typically uses a running knot.

That's noose to me.

Why are men typically smarter than women?

They come across more things.

A study claims the filthiest location in a typical home isn't the kitchen floor,

the bin,

or even the toilet seat.

It's actually the hard drive.

What do people typically get at Whole Foods?

Ripped off.

I'm never going bungee jumping.

I came into this world due to broken rubber, I'll be damned if I leave because of it.

**Edit:** Wow, never knew this was so original. My dad told me it years ago, thought it was a typical dad joke.

Following someone around is typically defined as "stalking"

At my university, it's defined as "finding a parking space"

Why is jazz the most typical genre people use to "set the mood?"

It's so saxxy.

So I see now the papers are having a go at the guy who marketed Jenga. Typical of the media.

They build them up and then they knock them down.

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A husband and wife go to Jamaica for vacation...

After seeing the typical tourist attractions, they wander off the beaten path into a darker part of town.

After walking a few blocks, they see an adult store and after some persuasion, the wife convinces her husband to enter.

They look around for a few minutes, and then they come u...

My daughter identifies as a small group of words standing together as a conceptual unit, typically forming a component of a clause.

Should I be worried or is it just a phrase?

As the plane took off, the pilot turned to the co-pilot and said, “Have you ever flown solo?”

Co-pilot: No. Typically I fly much higher than this.

How would you describe the typical Inuit mathematician?

Cold and calculating.

The band A Flock of Seagulls is not concerned with WWIII. They've stated that conflicts typically happen with neighboring countries.

And Iraaaaan...Iran's so far awaaaay....

During a job interview, I got the typical question about my greatest weakness.

"Kryptonite."

I start on Monday.

Did you know that people who dislike calculus are typically racists?

They hate integration.

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

The recommendation to self-isolate by governments feels like we were all given a group project and so far the progress seems similar to a typical group project.

The minority is doing most of the work while everyone else does whatever they want.

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What do you call the degree of heat present in a typical japanese dish usually consisting of seafood, meat and vegetables that have been battered and deep fried?

Tempurature.

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There was an italian couple that went in Spain for holidays. A typical plate in Spain are the balls of the bull. They went in a restaurant and ordered them.

When the plate camed there were some little balls. So they asked the waiter why they were that small.
He said: it don't always pass good for the bullfighter.

It's the First World War, and a French Battalion and a German Battalion face each other in the trenches.

It's a rather slow day, and the Krauts sit bored in their trenches. Then, a young corporal speaks: "We really need to kill more frenchies! What can we do to lure them out?"
A young recruit asks, "What is a typical french name?"
Another answers, "Pierre."
The young recruit gets up, puts his ...

A wife texts her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically n...

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Susie and Johnny work the typical nine to five, one day Susie turns to johnny and says, "you know what its a nice day I bet you I can get the boss to give me the day off....

To johnnies surprise he asks her how shes going to do that, she says watch me. So the boss walks in for his usual team check up and Susie is hanging upside down from the rafters. Furios but concerned the boss asks her what shes doing, to which Susie replies, Im a light bulb look at me, so the boss s...

Two Council workers, Jim and Dave, are staring up at the flagpole outside the council offices

A young lady walks past and is intrigued by them, just standing there, staring.

she walks over to them and says "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you, staring at the flagpole. Is there anything wrong?"

"The boss told us we got to measure the height of this flagpole," Said Jim. "He...

leather quality ratings

Leather is “rated” based on its texture. Cows with abundant water sources typically have softer hides, rated “A”. But hides from cows living in hot, dry climates are typically D Hide-Rated.

People often rank a person's attractiveness out of ten, but what is considered a ten in some states would be considered differently elsewhere.

For example an NY10 is typically tall and athletic but a DC10 is very plane.

Racism

Sometimes if I wanna get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with "I'm not racist,
"I'm not racist, but you look great today."

And they say, "that wasn't racist at all."

And I say, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

AskReddit is 16 years old next month ...

Typical teenager, it has an answer for everything.

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Two lovers of a recently deceased woman, both named Jack, attended her funeral.

They did not know about each other, nor the woman’s apparent penchant for lovers named Jack. They both, despite their typical emotional despondency, ended up caring for this woman over their respective affairs. Upon meeting and talking, at the reception, they realized they had both been played. Both...

Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech.
After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limous...

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Trucker goes into a truck stop...

And takes a seat next to a colleague. They chat about their routes and generally shoot the breeze for a while, until a woman passes by them and goes into the bathroom.

As she comes out, the second trucker mutters "tickle your ass with a feather?"

The woman, in shock, whirls around an...

There's a major traffic jam all through DC

All through Washington DC all traffic comes to a full stop...after many minutes people start getting out of their cars and talking. Before too long a guy starts walking car to car collecting donations, so I flag the guy down and ask him what the heck is going on! He explains there's been a major te...

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

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Watched Good Will Hunting Recently and heard this.

So a plane is about to take off, and the first pilot does his typical announcements like "We'll be travelling at 35000 feet at a speed of...", you know, the whole routine. However, he forgets to turn off the microphone, so after the message, all the passengers hear him say to the co-pilot "You know ...

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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The villagers stare at the BMW as they have never seen one before !

The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

"Good morning. Beauty of an automobile you have there” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick ‘hello’ and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does...

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At school

At school, 5th grade classroom.
The new teacher is asking some questions to the kids just to know them a little better.

T: so, Lucy, tell me about your family.
Lucy: I'm the only child. Dad work in a factory and mom is a housemaid.

T: a typical family... Nice. And what about your...

An RAF veteran is giving a talk about the war to a class of school children

and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.

"So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one wa...

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How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

Typically only one, but it has to truly want to change.

Chemist joke

Two typical chemists walk into a bar. The first chemist asks the waiter: "I would like some H₂O, Please!" The second chemist says: "I'd like some H₂O too!" The second man dies.

What do you call an average radio?

Stereo typical

My thirteen-year-old came up with this and I promised to post it to Reddit.

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Mortician.

A mortician was going about his typical day of embalming and what not, when he came across a client that had the biggest male member he had ever seen. Even by porn standards his hog was huge. So the mortician decides he needs to preserve this monstrosity of man meat because this definitely has to be...

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Marriage

The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny.

When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out...

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At a vampire bar.

Typical vampire bar.
Vamp walking in screaming.
-Bartender! A+ full glass!
Bartender do the order.
Another vamp walking in.
-Bartender B- big jar!
Bartender does it and gave to vamp.
Third vamp walking in. Calmly going to bar sat down.
-Bartender a bowl of hot water please....

When the Mexican guy forgot his ticket to the water park, the employee let him in anyway

“Typically I’m a stickler about this sort of thing,” he remarked “But I’m gonna let this Juan slide.”

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