In bogan speak, Sheila= typical Aussie girl and Bruce= typical Aussie boy.

Sheila didn’t come home one night. When Bruce asked her where she'd been she said she spent the night at a girl friend's house. Bruce was a bit suspicious she'd been sleeping around so he rang her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her. Next week Bruce didn't come home one night. Sheila ...

Nsfw What is a typical motto for a brothel?

Customers always comes first.

Not your typical response

Some guy was having fun with another woman in her house. He finished up and as he was ready to leave, he realizes he smells like her perfume. So he had a great idea. He went to a local bar, drank a few good ones and went home.

His wife smelled him and said:
"Do you think I'm stupid, huh...

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During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level

He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksa...

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A lady is standing on the top a ledge over a canyon

She’s about to jump when a homeless guy runs over and says ..

“I know what you’re about to do !”

“How would you like to have sex one last time before you go?”

The lady says, “Typical! You’re just like every other guy…

trying to talk me into having sex instead of jumping o...

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Typical, I go to buy sexy underwear for a ghost.

And all they have is baguettes.

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A man is suffering from the worst headaches...

From about age 14, a man has been getting more and more intense headaches. They started mildly annoying, but have been consistently getting worse month after month, year after year.

Finally, after about 7 years of troublesome headaches turning into bothersome headaches, turning into debilita...

Typical

An engineer is having is lunch. It is a beautiful day so he takes his brown bag lunch outside to the fountain beside the office.

He sits on the edge and is about to tuck into his sandwich when a frog hops out of the fountain and says to him "Hello! Thank goodness you're here. I am a beauti...

Three comedians walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be, guys?"

The observational comic replies, "Isn't this just typical!" The slapstick comedian slips and bangs his head on the bar. Then the absurdist comedian says, "This joke is well-structured in a formal sense but not particularly funny."

Empty Cart

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?" "No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing." As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."

People who live near cemeteries typically don't get buried there

You don't tend to bury alive people

Typical! No one has turned up at Camouflage Club

Again!

A journalist goes to Russia for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.

The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the v...

Typical Camp Commander

A new camp commander was appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw 2 soldiers guarding a bench. He went over and asked them why do they do it.

"We don't know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did. It is some sort of regimental tradition!"

The new camp commander sea...

I think my Asian wife is cheating on me.

We've been together for about a year now and we've never even had the typical petty arguments. Even with the language barrier, we understand each other for the most part and if we don't, we use google to translate or just use a different word to substitute. We actually get along really really great ...

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A cruise ship spies a seemingly deserted island in the distance...

(Warning: This is a joke that might only be understood by Jews. That said, it's a classic, and one that most Jews find to be extremely funny and spot on. If you're not Jewish, read on if you would like to glean some insight into Jewish humor and culture.)

 

So a cruise sh...

Did you know that cultures with arranged marriages typically serve melon at the wedding feast?

Yep. It symbolizes the fact that they cantelope.

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Susie and Johnny work the typical nine to five, one day Susie turns to johnny and says, "you know what its a nice day I bet you I can get the boss to give me the day off....

To johnnies surprise he asks her how shes going to do that, she says watch me. So the boss walks in for his usual team check up and Susie is hanging upside down from the rafters. Furios but concerned the boss asks her what shes doing, to which Susie replies, Im a light bulb look at me, so the boss s...

Typical blonde

Billy-Bob and Jimmy stood at the base of the flagpole and looked at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing. "We should find the height of this flagpole," said Jimmy, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took the key from her purse, loosened a few screws and put the bar on the ...

It was a typical night at a saloon in the Old West

The ranchers and townsmen were inside, drinking beer and having a good time. Some played poker, others watched the dancing girls, and music from the piano played in the background.

Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open and slammed against the walls. Everyone was startled, and the entire sal...

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One spooky night on Halloween...

Chris, an urban adventurer. was looking to have some fun.

He decided that since it was Halloween, it would be the perfect time to explore a spooky house. He asked the locals if they knew of any, and they informed him of this abandoned mansion not to far from where he lived. He was warned cou...

People in Finland aren’t typically violent during confrontations.

So while they may not start the fights, they sure do Finnish.

Typical Texan baby boy

A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces that his wife has just produced a typical Texan baby boy weighing twenty pounds. Congratulations shower all around, and many exclamations of “wow!” are heard.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender s...

Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech. After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limousine...

Your typical rock band

In my history of Rock and Roll class, chapter 13 focused on the early rock artists post punk era. At the very beginning of the chapter the band King Crimson is briefly mentioned, they seemed to have qualities that later artist would adopt and were quite popular, with songs such as 21 century schizoi...

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NSFW A typical MACHO man married a good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a ...

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There was an italian couple that went in Spain for holidays. A typical plate in Spain are the balls of the bull. They went in a restaurant and ordered them.

When the plate camed there were some little balls. So they asked the waiter why they were that small.
He said: it don't always pass good for the bullfighter.

The recommendation to self-isolate by governments feels like we were all given a group project and so far the progress seems similar to a typical group project.

The minority is doing most of the work while everyone else does whatever they want.

So I see now the papers are having a go at the guy who marketed Jenga. Typical of the media.

They build them up and then they knock them down.

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Just a typical story repost with a little twist

A proud farmer lying on his deathbed, asked his three sons to find one object that can be used to fill the inside of the barn. The one who can deliver will be chosen as his heir to the farm.

So the oldest son goes to the market to get hay while the middle son go get leaves and the youngest s...

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What do you call the degree of heat present in a typical japanese dish usually consisting of seafood, meat and vegetables that have been battered and deep fried?

Tempurature.

Typical morning routines

Some mornings I wake up grouchy...TODAY I'm gonna let her sleep late.

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Sammy the sperm...the most fit sperm in history

Sammy the sperm worked out all the time. Cardio, weights, stretching...every time another sperm saw him he was just always working out. Other sperm thought Sammy was weird. One day some of them squiggled over to Sammy and asked him "why on earth was he always doing that?"

"You know...only one...

Typical! The day I decide to rob a bank

And everyone else had the same idea.

The band A Flock of Seagulls is not concerned with WWIII. They've stated that conflicts typically happen with neighboring countries.

And Iraaaaan...Iran's so far awaaaay....

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Typical Men

There onced lived a rich man who wanted desperately to get married. So in order to determine a suitable wife he selected 3 women who he found attractive and gave them each $10000 to do as they please. The first woman spent her $10000 on a makeover and went to the man. She said "i spent the money on ...

Typical White Man

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief.

The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"

The cowboy says, "...

Who knew what blondes know?

It was a typical night of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:

Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.”

“The next question will give you the top prize of $1 million dollars,
if you get it right. But if you get it wrong, you will dr...

AskReddit is 16 years old next month ...

Typical teenager, it has an answer for everything.

My daughter identifies as a small group of words standing together as a conceptual unit, typically forming a component of a clause.

Should I be worried or is it just a phrase?

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Back in the 1980's, two young Aussie tourists visit the Vatican as part of a Kontiki tour...

Typical of the day, beer is the main refreshment, so they have an Esky (a cooler) chock-a-block with ice and ice cold beers to keep them refreshed while viewing the sights. Due to the beers being consumed, they soon lose contact with the main tour group and decide to investigate the Vatican by thems...

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Just a typical, Wednesday taxi ride...

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate g...

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Typical vaguely racist bar joke [xpost r/forwardsfromgrandma]

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate."
Bob, CEO...

I recently found out that suicide by rope typically uses a running knot.

That's noose to me.

A group of Irish friends arrive on vacation in the Caribbean.

Being typical Irish, the first thing they do after checking in and dropping off their luggage is to find a nice-looking bar and get a drink. In the bar, they meet a group of attractive Nordic ladies, proceed to join tables and get to doing some serious drinking together.

A few rounds in, thin...

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Anyone know where I can find someone to share a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations?

Asking for a friend.

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Old guy at a bar

An older gentleman is sitting in a bar drinking and checking out the younger women at the establishment. As he drinks his beer, he notices a younger guy enter the bar, take a seat, and order a drink. Shortly thereafter, he walks over to a young lass, and whispers in her ear, She smiles and they leav...

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What does a typical blonde do to her arsehole in the morning?

She packs his lunch and sends him off to work.

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Statistics say that the typical man has sex 92 times a year...

I feel that December will be amazing

What I had to do in Texas...

This is a pretty old one, but I figure it's worth telling just in case people on this sub haven't heard it.

In a typical wild west desert town, a typical rugged cowboy/drifter type rides his horse up to a saloon, then ties it to the post and saunters in for a drink. While he's drinking, some...

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My girlfriend screamed accusingly, "You're just a typical man! Always thinking with your dick!"

I shot back, "Ok smart ass! Blow my mind!"

Typical dumb blonde...

Billy-Bob and Jimmy are standing at the base of a flag-pole, looking up and scratching their heads, when a beautiful blonde woman walks by and inquires about their purpose.
"We've been hired to find out the height of this here flag-pole, such that we might fit it properly with the flag of this gr...

What language speaks a typical Belgian beer maker?

Hebrew

How do you know if it's not your typical prostate exam?

When there's two hands on your back.

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At your next helloween party expect to see the typical costumes.

The sexy nurse, the sexy nun and the sexist judge.

A study claims the filthiest location in a typical home isn't the kitchen floor,

the bin,

or even the toilet seat.

It's actually the hard drive.

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A Laotian businessman opened a small shop in London.

He was very quiet and diligent with his bookkeeping. He always made sure to help out his employees when he could, typically hiring other Laotian immigrants in the area who were struggling to find work.

Among these employees was a group of three friends from Surrey. Although they were rowdy an...

What kind of job do millennials typically prefer?

A rimjob.

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Typical bass players

A prominent orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. At one point in the final movement of the symphony, there is a long stretch--over 20 minutes--where the basses don't play a note. So, rather than just sit there, the section leader suggested that they sneak out of the orchestra and go ...

People don't typically wear glasses while boxing....

It's more of a contacts sport

Typical Johnny

Teacher asks the class if they can think of a sentence with the word 'contagious' in it.

After a long pause little Johnny puts his hand up. "yes Johnny, give it a go"

I was in the car with my dad and we were driving past one of our neighbours who was painting his garden fence with a ...

Why is jazz the most typical genre people use to "set the mood?"

It's so saxxy.

What do you call an average radio?

Stereo typical

My thirteen-year-old came up with this and I promised to post it to Reddit.

Why do husband's typically die before their wife?

Because they want to

Typical wife behavior

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them.

When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fas...

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[long] So this guy is working at his jewelry store when a little guy walks in with a stunning, beautiful girl

The jeweler helps the odd couple and keeps showing them all kinds of jewelry. It's the first time he sees this guy, so he pushes the typical, "most affordable" stuff, but the guy doesn't seem to concerned about the prices so he continues showing them even more expensive stuff.

After almost a...

Typical

Cat walks into bar and sits at the counter.
Bartender:
"What will you have?"
Cat:
"A shot of whiskey."
(Bartender pours whiskey into shot glass and gives to cat)
Cat slowly pushes the shot glass off the counter.
Cat:
"I'll have another."

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Typical Country Weather

This indian on the side of the road looks across the street where he sees this white guy. Every time the white guy sees a hot girl walking by he goes up to her and whispers something in her ear, and she either walks away smiling or she goes into the bushes with him for 20 minutes or so. After a coup...

During a job interview, I got the typical question about my greatest weakness.

"Kryptonite."

I start on Monday.

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An American man walks into a restaurant in Spain and looks at the menu.

He doesn't speak a lick of Spanish, so he defaults to a passing waiter for advice on what to get. "I would recommend the *cojones*," the waiter says. "Our house specialty. The dish is sourced fresh from the bull killed by one of our bullfighters in the ring today."

So the man orders the cojo...

Why are men typically smarter than women?

They come across more things.

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Typical day

Just saw Denzel Washington on the street and said "Hey Denzel! Can I get a picture with you?" And he's all like "I'm not Denzel you racist piece of shit." Classic Denzel.

Did you know that people who dislike calculus are typically racists?

They hate integration.

Typical Mayans ...

4 years late

The lone brunette in a family of blondes, Tamara, returns home from her first semester at university.

Her family was super excited to see her, especially her younger sister, Lisa. Tamara was the first person in the family to go to university and she had a million questions for her.

When they finally got some time alone, Lisa began peppering Tamara with questions.

“What was your favor...

Following someone around is typically defined as "stalking"

At my university, it's defined as "finding a parking space"

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are called to investigate a murder at a quarry one day...

When they arrive at the scene of the crime, it's already been taped off and other investigators are there. Holmes and Watson push their way to the front as they typically do and start going to work.

"Holmes, look at this, what is it?" Watson asked.

"Why that's the butt end of a cigar o...

A french pastry chef spends his holidays in the US and needs to go see the local medic...

Pastry chef : Euh Docteur, I häv terribeul pain when I eat chocolate!

Doctor checks him out and after a few moments says : Ah yes, typical case of <puts on sunglasses>... PAIN AU CHOCOLAT.

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Typical blonde

Death: It's your time. give me your hand


Blonde: No! i know that if i dont touch you then I'll never die!

Death: Holy shit! You figured out the key to living forever! You're soooo smart! High five!


Blonde: *high fives*

Death: Typical blonde... Dumbass...

TYPICAL WOMEN..

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not t...

In an alternate reality, bears speak and coexist with humans.

A prominent electrician (who happened to be a bear) employed several humans for various positions within his company. Some were in customer service, handling the phones. Others were on-site technicians who drove around town from job to job. One human, Mike, was hired to do two different jobs inside ...

Racism

Sometimes if I wanna get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with "I'm not racist,
"I'm not racist, but you look great today."

And they say, "that wasn't racist at all."

And I say, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

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Just a typical interview

"What's your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't really think that's a weakness."

"I don't give a fuck what you think."

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My wife is upset because I had “I Love You” tattoo’d on my penis

Apparently it’s typical of me, always trying to put words in her mouth.

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A Jew and an Arab walk into a bakery. Once inside the Arab grabs three pastries and swiftly stashes them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

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Meanwhile at the airport...

Jimmy and Jason are both workers at the Atlanta airport, typically working outside to re-fuel the planes after they land. One day, a very thick fog rolls in grounding all of the planes. Jimmy and Jason are bored out of their minds with nothing to do.

"I'm really bored," says Jimmy. "I wish...

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Why Men Are Happier

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will e...

I usually dont get school shooting jokes.

Typically they are aimed at a younger audience.

A man is sitting in a taxi in Newcastle on his way home to Sunderland. He realises he recognises the taxi driver- and with great enthusiasm mentions this. "I know you! You picked me and the missus up that time from the train station and took us to the airport! Remember?"...

The taxi driver, who sees hundreds of different people every day, smiles politely and replies "Maybe.", rather unconvincingly. A typical, though nevertheless unbearable awkwardness follows whereupon the driver says "Riddle me this...". The passenger sits up straight and prepares for thinking.
...

A small town's only barber was known for his arrogant, negative attitude.

When one of his regular customers came in and mentioned that he'd be going to Rome and hoped to meet the Pope, the barber's response was typical. "You, meet the Pope? Ha, don't make me laugh. The Pope only sees kings and presidents and queens. What would he want with you?"

A month later, the ...

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