My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "




Ps: This sub in a nutshell

I'm starting a social media website for religious people with a lisp

Faithbook

How does a socially inept cat walk away from conversation?

On his faux pas

My son is doing a social experiment for school.

He plans on wearing an "I love Liberals" shirt out in public and will be recording the interactions with others. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, slapped, and even threatened. Im afraid what will happen when he actually leaves the house.

1960s kids don't have a problem with social distancing.

Everyone was pretty spaced-out then.

What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?

Influen(zer)

What happens when you get a 100 socially awkward people together in a room?

Nothing.

Social distancing guidelines have been relaxed, and we can now have gatherings of up to 8 people without issues

But I don't even know 8 people without issues.

Social Security

To Whom It May Concern,

I would like to ask the Social Security Administration about my case.

I got married in 1962 to a widow, who had han adult daughter. My father visited us frequently, and as a result, he married my stepdaughter.

After this, my stepdaughter became my step...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist told me that I’m terrible in picking up social cues.

I think she’s hitting on me.

Trump has more impeachments than he does social media accounts.

This joke will never get old, ever.

How do Muslims social distance?

Qur'antine

Why does Satan have social anxiety?

Because he goes through hell just to say hello

We've been practicing social distancing for a while now;

I think we're ready for the real deal.

My doctor refuses to post my diagnosis to social media...

He says my disease is untweetable...

What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?

In a capitalist society, man exploits man,  and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Social progress....

A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
Ceremonial Pipe and eying two Canadian Government officials sent to
interview him.


"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his techn...

What does a socially awkward and depressed frog say?

Reddit.!

Most often heard response to the social-distancing 1 meter apart rule in Norway?

We have to stand closer to people?

I was going to post a joke here about social security

Then It occurred to me that you probably wouldn’t get it

Due to social distancing, only six of the seven dwarfs can meet at their favorite coffee shop.

One of them isn't Happy.

A court declares social distancing unenforceable in Alabama

Reasons the judge: The entire state’s population can reasonably be considered as a family unit

My college age son decided to wear a Trump 2020 shirt as a social experiment here in California.

So far he’s been yelled at, punched, kicked and spit on, & he hasn’t even left the house yet.....

What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

The CDC advises practicing social distancing during the holidays

That is why I didn't call my mom this year

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So the other day I said to me wife - you know seems like these days we only have Social Security sex."

She gives me a strange look - "Social Security sex?"

I said "Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

What is Captain Hook’s least favorite social media site?

TikTok!

How can Santa Claus possibly practice social distancing?

He stays at least 6 feet away from his HO HO HO’s!

Gravity is just a social construct

Invented by a Christian to keep you down

I hate it when people confuse one social media for another

Edit: Thanks for the likes

As a social justice warrior, you all offend me. I am going to cancel each and every one of you.

Starting with your netflix account.

Social distancing at a nudist colony

Is directly influenced by the tempture.
Warm days, 6'3"
Cold days less

I developed a successful chicken social network app to make more money.

I didn’t do it for the glory I did it to make hens meet.

My girlfriend and I have been practicing social distancing since the start of the pandemic.

She calls it a restraining order for some weird reason.

Thanks to the ubiquity of social media, mobile devices, and the advent of AI, we have the resources we need to upgrade security cameras to the next level ...

Insecurity cameras.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later.”
...

I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

Guys I tried to think of a social distancing joke

but this is as close as I could get

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every time I see someone posting lyrics of inspirational songs on social media, I get really pissed off.

But I will survive.

Wanna see some social distancing?

Loan someone some money.

All my social media apps and people I know keep telling me to vote...

I’ve probably cast like 40 ballots by now, and they STILL won’t stop telling me to do it!

I am a Social Vegan

Because I avoid Meet

What did the cows write on their protest signs when the farmer made them social distance due to COVID?

We just want to be herd.

I'm seeing a lot of stuff on social media about how 'Blue Lives Matter'.

I reckon if someone's turned blue, it's a bit late to be debating whether or not their life matters anyway.

Why did the social awkward man never go to the second storey of his house ?

He couldn't handle the stairs.

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.

Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.

And it works. I already...

My dad is a social distancing champion!!!

I havent seen him since 2005

Social Distancing is so unbelievably stupid

If corona came from China, surely it can go another 6ft.

Socialism is just common sense...

Because it’s common cents.

If social media were a thing in 1937

would people on the Hindenburg say:

"Here before this blows up."

Who is the REIGNING, DEFENDING and UNDISPUTED Social Distancing Champion of the World?

A whistleblower.

If social distancing makes you feel lonely...

... just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.

I always thought I had anger problems and was anti-social

but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is the prostitute so bad at social distancing?

Because she only specializes in keeping 2 feet apart.

Finnish people eagerly await giving up the mandatory social distancing guidelines

So they can return from the government mandated 2 meters of distance to the normal 5 meters

So the UK has introduced the “rule of 6” for social groups...

Now if you attempt to add another party member they will be sent to the PC.

Man, social distancing sucks.

WHO thought this was a good idea

I told my Dad I am going to delete all of my social media accounts, throw away my electronics and go live in the woods.

He told me I can't just Thoreau my life away.

Google Plus was the gym of social networking

We all joined but no one ever used it

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

What is an example of redneck social distancing?

Sleeping with your 3rd cousin instead of your 1st.

A teen goes to a party one day.

He dances for a bit, then he decides to get some punch but sees the line is long so he goes back to dancing. He enters the line but sees the line is still long. So, he dances some more, grabs some food, and scrolls through social media. Eventually he enters the line again. Finally he says: "This pun...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fellow stuck in a coronavirus outbreak, prayed to God for help.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!”

The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on.

Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!”

The ...

Why did the communist kill all of the civilians in the town square, regardless of their social class?

Because he was an expert Marxman.

I don't understand why everyone is saying that Americans are refusing to social distance...

...six feet is six feet, even if it's six feet under.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 3 ex drug addicts

So 3 ex drug addicts (let's call them Jim, Mike and Bill) volunteered for a week to try to convince as many junkies as possible to ask for help to fight their addiction. They were given by the local authorities 2 photos, one showing a small circle and one showing a big circle and they were told to u...

COVID-19 didn't kill John Conway. It was the social distancing.

He had fewer than 2 neighbors.

[Credit to "Darren New" on YouTube for this one. Also, if you find this funny, you're an awful person.]

Social Club

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
<...

I got pulled over in the carpool lane today....

Cop: "Where is your passenger?"

Me: "Due to social distancing, he's in the car right behind me."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bi sexual Hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?

A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie watching sci-fi on wifi.

Why are Anti-Maskers better at social distancing?

Because they keep 6 feet of dirt apart from the living.

What's the difference between a social worker and a pit bull?

At least you can get some of your baby back from a pit bull.

Socialism is like Jazz...

It's full of obvious mistakes, but somehow still manages to sound good.

Michigan has updated their social distancing guidelines

Residents are now asked to stay one oars-length away from one another.

social distancing is great, public school shootings are down 100%

Unfortunately home school shootings are up 100%

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When social media bans female boobs, but not men's, it shows a real intolerance...

lactose intolerance.

What do you call a highly cited epidemiology researcher with a social media presence?

An influenzer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend of mine was having trouble socializing with Japanese Karp,

I told him to be less koi

Which cheese is always compliant with social distancing?

Provolone

India is taking social distancing seriously

Citizens without masks were seen getting hard whacks on the behind by policeman with batons as punishment.

When asked if the punishment was too severe, one constable responded, "Not at all. I'm just flattening the curve".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations...

Want to follow social distancing guidelines but still meet with your friends and family?

Just gather in groups of three, as there will be 6 feet between all of you :)

Why don't ants get COVID-19? (Part 2)

It's not because they have anty-bodies; not because they tend to be resist-ant to viruses (even though most of them are anti-vaxxers); it's not even the fact that they use disinfect-ant whilst being socially dist-ant. They don't get it simply because they just can't.

What is Mr Frog's favourite social media platform?

Reddit reddit. Reddit

What game should you not play when social distancing?

Space invaders

Rabbit and Frog

One day a Rabbit and a Frog were hopping through the forest, when all of a sudden they bump into each other. They both apologise and exclaim that they are each blind. The Rabbit says that he has always been blind and doesn't actually know what he is. So the Frog said, that he has not always been...

"Social credit system , censorship of any info that does not fit their narrative , Demonization of people with wrong think " You know who I am talking about.

Reddit

My wife is stressed out not being allowed to leave the house or socialize.

And now, with this coronavirus thing...

Every single currency in this world is just an illusion, a social construct

but Brazil's real.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Johnson was sitting on a plane, waiting for it to take off, when one last person boarded the plane and sat down next to him. Mr. Johnson realized, much to his surprise and delight, that it was social media fitness star Michelle Lewin.

"This is amazing!" he said. "How lucky is it that I sit right next to one of the hottest women on social media?"

"I'm on my way to a fitness conference," said Michelle. "I'm going to tell my fellow women some of my best-kept secrets on getting and staying fit like me."

"Wow!" said Mr. ...

Social Security

My cousin Donald Godwin went to get his Social Security started. But he forgot his papers on the kitchen table.

The lady at the Social Security office told him he needed proof of birth before they could get things started. He pulled down his shirt and said, “Don’t these grey hairs on my chest...

What do whales do during Social Distancing?

Netflix and Krill

This social situation during Covid has been really hard on me emotionally.

Everyone has been so distant.

I was queuing to go into the supermarket when the man in front of me farted.

Before I could say anything, he said, "If you heard anything it means you're not following social distancing. But if you can smell it, luckily for you it means that you're covid negative!"

Social Distancing

We are two months into self-isolation and it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. It breaks my heart to see her like this. I have thought very hard about how I can cheer her up. I have even consid...

Foucault: Schools serve the same social functions as prisons and hospitals.

Foucault’s mother: You’re still going.

A man goes to a wedding

And they celebrate as normal until the reception. When he enters the tents, he sees several queues.

He sees one to take a picture with the bride and groom, one to throw something at the Mother-in-law, one to pin the dress on the bridesmaid-or if you’re lucky, unpin-, one to request music,one...

Recently, Qanon members are being called Zs instead of Qs.

They are now blowing up Social Media saying “We are Not-Zs.”

I asked my friend, “Hey, did you read that article about a social media platform that has some very toxic people, very questionable virtual communities, and people that come together to do amazing things?”

He replies: “Yeah, I Reddit.”

It's unfortunate that the NASA and SpaceX astronauts weren't social distancing with eachother...

But their PPE is out of this world!

My dad threw every social studies book away except one

It was history...

I don't get why there are so many social justice warriors

Why don't people want to play as social justice mages or social justice rangers?

I don't practice "social distancing."

After 30 years of social anxiety and a deep disgust of humanity in general, I operate on an "expert" level.

I gave my dad a pad on the back to say "Good morning". He said "Social distancing."

I replied, "I thought you already bought life insurance."

Unfortunately men are still getting infected even when they abide by social distancing

That's because six feet to them is in reality 5'8"

going on social media these days is like going to church

after 5mins, I feel guilty af

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s a C, N, & T in social distancing...

All I need is U to get the fuck away from me.

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