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Social Jokes

Socialism jokes are always funny

‘Cause everyone thinks they get them but they actually don’t.

Scientists have determined the optimal age at which humans are able to safely start using social media:

123 years old.

What's the difference between a social media influencer and a philosophy major?

The philosophy major needed a degree to be useless.

What's Pinocchio's favorite social media app?

BeReal

I am a social vegan

I avoid meet.

Ba dum tiss

What do you call a large reptile who likes to stir up petty fights on social media?

An Insta-gator.

What do pimples and social media influencers have in common?

They both start off small, randomly grow huge, explode, then leave a nasty scar until one day we forget they were ever there.

That's all guys, bye.

Why are shareholders so social?

Because they want company!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Social experiment

Social researchers from Oxford devised an experiment to place three men from diverse cultures on an otherwise deserted island. They decided on one man from France, one from Germany, and one from Japan.

The German was told he is in charge of shelter, the Frenchman was put in charge of meals, a...

You know why Superman never had a social life?

Because Clark can't. :P

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: "So, what do you think is the reason for you to have problems socializing?"

Me: "Well, that's for YOU to find out, you stupid cunt!"

I was going to make a social media platform called "Please Try Again Later",

but I figured Reddit would sue me for copyright violation.

What is the difference between Capitalism and Socialism?

In a capitalist society, man exploits man and in a socialist one, it's the other way around.

What do you call a mediocre social program?

So-So security

Why are prisoners so bad at socializing?

Because they're in cells.

Garbage can

An old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came dow...

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married guy goes to the bar…

A married guy goes to the bar, gets drunk out of his mind, and throws up on himself. He turns to a friend and says - “Holy shit, my wife’s gonna be so mad. I’d promised her a year of sobriety and here I am on day 7 all boozed up..”

The friend goes - “Don’t worry, man! I got a trick,” puts a $...

My obsession with Doris Day songs is ruining my social life.

I already lost my friends Kay, Sarah, Sarah.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy

but socially dead.

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

Went to the shrink today..

My doctor said that my narcissistic tendencies cause me to misread social interactions.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

There's a new social media platform where people can take pictures of how they've been conned by their coke dealer.

Isntagram.

What social media platform do fetuses use?

discord

What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

Damn Social media

Facebook wants to know "What's on my mind?"
Twitter wants to know "What's happening?"
Google wants to know "Where I am?"
Siri/Alexa wants me to "Say something"!
Damn, the internet is turning into an online wife!

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "




Ps: This sub in a nutshell

What’s the unit of measure for social influence?

Instagrams

What time does a social justice warrior get up in the morning?

It's hard to say, she's already woke.

What Do You Call A YouTube Sensation With A Computer Virus?

A social influenza.

Yo mamma is so old…

…that her social security number is written with Roman numerals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American and a Russian die and go to Hell... (Long)

They are met at the gates by Satan, who offers them a choice: They can either go to American Hell or Russian Hell.

Both new arrivals are curious as to what the difference is, so Satan explains that in American Hell you are free to do whatever you want; you'll find that we have all the finest...

I hate it when people confuse one social media for another

Edit: Thanks for the likes

It's 1980 in the Soviet Union

The economic situation is absolutely dire. Leonid Brezhnev, General Secretary of the Communist Party, calls an emergency party meeting to discuss solutions.

"Comrades," Brezhnev begins, "according to our projections, within 2 years we will have run out of meat! What do you propose we do, comr...

I'm going to tell my Gen Z friend a joke about Social Security...

...but he probably won't get it.

I hate social distancing.

Seriously? I can't be within 300 feet of a school?

Social experiment…

I punched a white guy and got arrested for assault. When they let me out I punched a black guy and got arrested… for impersonating a police officer.

I dunno why my work has posters up saying 'practice social distancing'

I mean, do we really need more practice?

I figure we're all pretty good at it by now.

In the early 90's, a lonely stray dog wanted a friend and got an idea when reading an old paper...

So the dog walked into the local paper to place an advert in the social column. "I'm lonely" advised the dog "please place an ad that reads: *Woof woof woof. Woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof woof. Woof. Woof*."

The sales consultant writes it all down before offering "I'll let you in on a s...

Socialism sounds great in theory...

But in practice, you just gonna get couped by the CIA.

There were so many people at my house today without masks and social distancing, imagine the stench…

Lucky I haven’t been able to smell anything in the past few days…

My dad is a social distancing champion!!!

I havent seen him since 2005

I went to get a booster today but froze and forgot my social security number, so I just made up a random one.

New year, new me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Social Security Application

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later.” ...

A woman from[Insert trashy town name here] goes to the local social security office

The registrar asks her a few background questions.

How many kids do you have? I have 8 boys, she says
Ok - what’s the name of the first one? John, she says
Ok - what’s the name of the second one? John, she says
The registrar says - they are both named John? Yes - she replies.
Ok ...

How does a Midwesterner get out of a painful social situation?

They pop an OPE-ioid

I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

If social distancing makes you feel lonely...

... just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When social media bans female boobs, but not men's, it shows a real intolerance...

lactose intolerance.

I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing.

But this is as close as I could get.

In the 70s...

A Russian asks for a meeting with the President

\- I would like a passport and a visa to Belgium - asks the Russian man

\- But aren't you fine in Russia? - asks the president

\- Hm, really, I can't complain

\- So, maybe you don't like your work there?

\- Hm, reall...

A socially awkward loner finally landed a job as a mailman. When the people on his route saw a new face, they instinctively wanted to know who he was and he always gave the same response.

Long time lurker, first time poster.

What does a socially awkward and depressed frog say?

Reddit.!

I always thought I had anger issues and was anti-social

but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.

Did you hear about the crow who got arrested for trying to start a social club?

He was charged with attempted murder... I'll see myself out

How do Muslims social distance?

Qur'antine

Why can’t you take electricity to social events?

Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

This new software developer is so socially awkward …

… he failed the Turing Test.

Social distancing will never work in India because...

... by the time you are 6 feet away from one, you will be too close to another person.

Circus adoption

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nurse...

I'm starting a social media website for religious people with a lisp

Faithbook

My college age son decided to wear a Trump 2020 shirt as a social experiment here in California.

So far he’s been yelled at, punched, kicked and spit on, & he hasn’t even left the house yet.....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every time I see someone posting lyrics of inspirational songs on social media, I get really pissed off.

But I will survive.

Why do social justice warriors hate dentists?

Because they make teeth straight and white.

Which social media platform vegans hate the most?

Google meet

What did the reddit user say after looking at his social life?

Wow, such empty

whats the difference between a social media influencer and a bench??

one can support a family.

A lot of new social media sites are like some of the jokes on this sub:

Smaller, more condensed and ultimately worse than the original they ripped off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Godfather’s relaxing at his social club...

...with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up.

The Godfather calls one of them over.

“Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.”

Jimmy swells with pride.

“I ...

I don't get why there are so many social justice warriors

Why don't people want to play as social justice mages or social justice rangers?

What social generation was Forrest Gump a part of?

Gen E

My doctor refuses to post my diagnosis to social media...

He says my disease is untweetable...

Why does Satan have social anxiety?

Because he goes through hell just to say hello

My son is doing a social experiment for school.

He plans on wearing an "I love Liberals" shirt out in public and will be recording the interactions with others. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, slapped, and even threatened. Im afraid what will happen when he actually leaves the house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The difference between a non drinker, a social drinker, and an alcoholic...

The bartender hands a drink to the non-drinker... the non-drinker hands it back and says "uh, there's a fly in it".

The bar tender hands a drink to to the social drinker... the social drinker notices a fly in it, picks the fly out and then proceeds drink it.

The bartender hands a drin...

What happens when a plant tries to add you on social media?

You get a fern request.

if I had a dollar for everytime socialism was succesful, I'd have 0$

Which is funny because if it did work, I'd also have 0$

I developed a successful chicken social network app to make more money.

I didn’t do it for the glory I did it to make hens meet.

Star Wars & Harry Potter fandoms go to war. Why do Star Wars fans focus on JK Rowling's social media?

They wanted to beat them on their own TERF.

Trump has more impeachments than he does social media accounts.

This joke will never get old, ever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Social progress....

A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
Ceremonial Pipe and eying two Canadian Government officials sent to
interview him.


"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his techn...

the inventor of the revolving door looked at a perfectly normal door and boldly asked "what if i added social anxiety?"

if i go too slow? surely everyone behind me hates me.

too fast? everyone behind me is in danger.

perfect invention.

let's put them in the busiest buildings.

Why did the social awkward man never go to the second storey of his house ?

He couldn't handle the stairs.

I just scored a 170 on an online IQ test and only had to answer three simple questions.

1.My credit card number

2.My social security number

3.Uploading a signed copy of my birth certificate

What is Captain Hook's least favorite social media?

Tick tock.

My socially anxious friend got a PhD in palindromes.

He now goes by the title 'Dr Awkward'.

What is an example of redneck social distancing?

Sleeping with your 3rd cousin instead of your 1st.

What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?

Influen(zer)

Bar ad:

Due to the need for social distancing, the bar is operating at 1/3 of its capacity. Therefore, we kindly ask those who cannot drink for three to leave and give way to the professionals!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bi sexual Hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?

A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie watching sci-fi on wifi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So the other day I said to me wife - you know seems like these days we only have Social Security sex."

She gives me a strange look - "Social Security sex?"

I said "Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist said that I have trouble interpreting social cues.

I think she wants to sleep with me.

social distancing is great, public school shootings are down 100%

Unfortunately home school shootings are up 100%

Social distancing at a nudist colony

Is directly influenced by the tempture.
Warm days, 6'3"
Cold days less

Gravity is just a social construct

Invented by a Christian to keep you down

Most often heard response to the social-distancing 1 meter apart rule in Norway?

We have to stand closer to people?

How does a socially inept cat walk away from conversation?

On his faux pas

1960s kids don't have a problem with social distancing.

Everyone was pretty spaced-out then.

My son is doing a social experiment for school

For a week he will be wearing an "I love liberals!" hat everywhere he goes and record the reactions he observes from people he meets. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, yelled at, slapped twice and even had a bottle thrown at him. Its really quite awful, im not sure whats going to happen to hi...

We've been practicing social distancing for a while now

When's the test gonna be?

What did the cows write on their protest signs when the farmer made them social distance due to COVID?

We just want to be herd.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Elder humor

Two 80 year old folks decided to married after their respective partners had died. Mostly for companionship, and social things.
That night after the wedding in bed, the husband starts to get frisky,...
She says "Be careful, I have acute angina", he says "Ya and your titties aren't bad either!"

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