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Social Security Application

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later.” ...

My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a “Boris is doing his best “ t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she’s been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her!

I’m curious to see what happens when she goes outside.

A woman from[Insert trashy town name here] goes to the local social security office

The registrar asks her a few background questions.

How many kids do you have? I have 8 boys, she says
Ok - what’s the name of the first one? John, she says
Ok - what’s the name of the second one? John, she says
The registrar says - they are both named John? Yes - she replies.
Ok ...

Socialism sounds great in theory...

But in practice, you just gonna get couped by the CIA.

I had a joke for Generation Z about Social Security...

... But they're probably not going to get it.

Which social media platform vegans hate the most?

Google meet

I finally made a social media account, but my only followers were my parents.

Maybe I should try branching out from OnlyFans.

What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

How can you tell the difference between a cop and a social media influencer?

The influencer HAS TO tell you their job.

What social generation was Forrest Gump a part of?

Gen E

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The difference between a non drinker, a social drinker, and an alcoholic...

The bartender hands a drink to the non-drinker... the non-drinker hands it back and says "uh, there's a fly in it".

The bar tender hands a drink to to the social drinker... the social drinker notices a fly in it, picks the fly out and then proceeds drink it.

The bartender hands a drin...

A socially awkward loner finally landed a job as a mailman. When the people on his route saw a new face, they instinctively wanted to know who he was and he always gave the same response.

Long time lurker, first time poster.

Why can’t you take electricity to social events?

Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "




Ps: This sub in a nutshell

What is Captain Hook's least favorite social media?

Tick tock.

Did you hear about the crow who got arrested for trying to start a social club?

He was charged with attempted murder... I'll see myself out

I'm a social vegan.

I avoid meet.

What did the reddit user say after looking at his social life?

Wow, such empty

whats the difference between a social media influencer and a bench??

one can support a family.

I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

Social distancing will never work in India because...

... by the time you are 6 feet away from one, you will be too close to another person.

the inventor of the revolving door looked at a perfectly normal door and boldly asked "what if i added social anxiety?"

if i go too slow? surely everyone behind me hates me.

too fast? everyone behind me is in danger.

perfect invention.

let's put them in the busiest buildings.

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

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The Corporate Ladder

A recent study in USA have found an interesting relationship between a man social status and the sport he watches

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employee is BOWLING
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is Ame...

I bought a book about social media

but i never reddit

What happens when a plant tries to add you on social media?

You get a fern request.

I'm starting a social media website for religious people with a lisp

Faithbook

My son is doing a social experiment for school.

He plans on wearing an "I love Liberals" shirt out in public and will be recording the interactions with others. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, slapped, and even threatened. Im afraid what will happen when he actually leaves the house.

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In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in.

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swore that he could even think like a Russian.

The big day...

How do Muslims social distance?

Qur'antine

I hate it when people confuse one social media for another

Edit: Thanks for the likes

How do you complete a family tree easily?

Post on social media that you won the lottery.

What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?

Influen(zer)

Why shouldn’t you recommend a book to a social media user?

Because they have probably already Reddit

What does a socially awkward and depressed frog say?

Reddit.!

1960s kids don't have a problem with social distancing.

Everyone was pretty spaced-out then.

How does a socially inept cat walk away from conversation?

On his faux pas

Why does Satan have social anxiety?

Because he goes through hell just to say hello

What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?

In a capitalist society, man exploits man,  and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.

My doctor refuses to post my diagnosis to social media...

He says my disease is untweetable...

What did the socialist say to the fisherman?

Sea's the means of production.

Trump has more impeachments than he does social media accounts.

This joke will never get old, ever.

Social distancing guidelines have been relaxed, and we can now have gatherings of up to 8 people without issues

But I don't even know 8 people without issues.

What happens when you get a 100 socially awkward people together in a room?

Nothing.

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Social progress....

A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
Ceremonial Pipe and eying two Canadian Government officials sent to
interview him.


"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his techn...

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My therapist told me that I’m terrible in picking up social cues.

I think she’s hitting on me.

Guys I tried to think of a social distancing joke

but this is as close as I could get

Social Security

To Whom It May Concern,

I would like to ask the Social Security Administration about my case.

I got married in 1962 to a widow, who had han adult daughter. My father visited us frequently, and as a result, he married my stepdaughter.

After this, my stepdaughter became my step...

My college age son decided to wear a Trump 2020 shirt as a social experiment here in California.

So far he’s been yelled at, punched, kicked and spit on, & he hasn’t even left the house yet.....

We've been practicing social distancing for a while now;

I think we're ready for the real deal.

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Miracles CAN Occur! NSFW

There's a city with a fierce storm and the flood waters threaten to rise.

A devout man goes outside and prays, "Dear Lord, please save me from this flood!"

A bus rolls up to the man and says, "Get in! I'm taking you to safety!"

The man says, "No. God will provide for me." And t...

Hacker sent me an email that he has hacked into my computer.

I said "prove it" and he sent me the username and password of my email, bank and social media accounts.

I replied "Thank you, that was the easiest Forgot Password process I have ever come across".

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook groups

because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.

Most often heard response to the social-distancing 1 meter apart rule in Norway?

We have to stand closer to people?

Flat earthers are very worried about the pandemic.

They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

My dad is a social distancing champion!!!

I havent seen him since 2005

Dave is a good worker

Dave is a good worker, social and nice, but he keeps missing all company events. Eventually, his boss calls him to his office demanding an explanation why Dave can't be a team player and come.

"I'm sorry Boss," said Dave, "I'm just so busy with all the people I already know, sometimes it see...

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So the other day I said to me wife - you know seems like these days we only have Social Security sex."

She gives me a strange look - "Social Security sex?"

I said "Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

Due to social distancing, only six of the seven dwarfs can meet at their favorite coffee shop.

One of them isn't Happy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every time I see someone posting lyrics of inspirational songs on social media, I get really pissed off.

But I will survive.

I developed a successful chicken social network app to make more money.

I didn’t do it for the glory I did it to make hens meet.

A court declares social distancing unenforceable in Alabama

Reasons the judge: The entire state’s population can reasonably be considered as a family unit

If social distancing makes you feel lonely...

... just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.

Gravity is just a social construct

Invented by a Christian to keep you down

Social distancing at a nudist colony

Is directly influenced by the tempture.
Warm days, 6'3"
Cold days less

The CDC advises practicing social distancing during the holidays

That is why I didn't call my mom this year

A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar

They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. ...

As a social justice warrior, you all offend me. I am going to cancel each and every one of you.

Starting with your netflix account.

My girlfriend and I have been practicing social distancing since the start of the pandemic.

She calls it a restraining order for some weird reason.

Why did the social awkward man never go to the second storey of his house ?

He couldn't handle the stairs.

Man, social distancing sucks.

WHO thought this was a good idea

What did the cows write on their protest signs when the farmer made them social distance due to COVID?

We just want to be herd.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When social media bans female boobs, but not men's, it shows a real intolerance...

lactose intolerance.

My kid recently realized that they were born in the wrong body.

Now, I fully support anything they need to do to feel more like themselves, but I never imagined it would affect my social life like it has. The teachers won’t see me, my friends act like I’m not there. Hell even the mailman hasn’t made a delivery in weeks. I never realized how hard it was to be a t...

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.

Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.

And it works. I already...

Wanna see some social distancing?

Loan someone some money.

Hungarian joke from the 1950s

Definition of socialism: the incessant struggle against conditions that would not exist in any other system.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady, a guy and a lad and their love

There was this guy, mid to late twenties, black hair, just average next door type of guy. He's a honest worker who worked his way up in his job and makes a decent living for a man of his age. When he was a kid he was not extremely sharp and people would make fun of his stupidity. But he didn't care ...

All my social media apps and people I know keep telling me to vote...

I’ve probably cast like 40 ballots by now, and they STILL won’t stop telling me to do it!

What is an example of redneck social distancing?

Sleeping with your 3rd cousin instead of your 1st.

Social Distancing is so unbelievably stupid

If corona came from China, surely it can go another 6ft.

Who is the REIGNING, DEFENDING and UNDISPUTED Social Distancing Champion of the World?

A whistleblower.

[Long] A Russian Jew...

...is migrating to Israel after much paperwork and waiting.

At Moscow airport, customs found a statue of Lenin in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked: who is he? This is the most respected Comrade Leni...

I always thought I had anger problems and was anti-social

but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.

If social media were a thing in 1937

would people on the Hindenburg say:

"Here before this blows up."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bi sexual Hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?

A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie watching sci-fi on wifi.

social distancing is great, public school shootings are down 100%

Unfortunately home school shootings are up 100%

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A fellow stuck in a coronavirus outbreak, prayed to God for help.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!”

The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on.

Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!”

The ...

Social Club

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
<...

Michigan has updated their social distancing guidelines

Residents are now asked to stay one oars-length away from one another.

Finnish people eagerly await giving up the mandatory social distancing guidelines

So they can return from the government mandated 2 meters of distance to the normal 5 meters

COVID-19 didn't kill John Conway. It was the social distancing.

He had fewer than 2 neighbors.

[Credit to "Darren New" on YouTube for this one. Also, if you find this funny, you're an awful person.]

Covid restrictions...

I'm down with social distancing, but I think my local grocery store has gone too far.

They've put a big X on the floor to show where to stand in line at the register.

I've seen enough Roadrunner cartoons, I'm not falling for that.

Google Plus was the gym of social networking

We all joined but no one ever used it

So the UK has introduced the “rule of 6” for social groups...

Now if you attempt to add another party member they will be sent to the PC.

I don't get why there are so many social justice warriors

Why don't people want to play as social justice mages or social justice rangers?

I told my Dad I am going to delete all of my social media accounts, throw away my electronics and go live in the woods.

He told me I can't just Thoreau my life away.

I don't understand why everyone is saying that Americans are refusing to social distance...

...six feet is six feet, even if it's six feet under.

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A guy has been watching porn 2-3 times a day for a month

You could say he's hentai-social.

Which cheese is always compliant with social distancing?

Provolone

I’m an Anti-vax and I don’t care what you think.

I’m sick and tired of seeing people who are anti-vax getting bullied on social media. We have good reasons to feel this way and simply bad mouthing us or attacking us is not going to change our mind. We will not be silenced.

I for sure will never have one again. No chance, no matter what you ...

Boris turns to his friend Sergei and says, “I see you have been doing the Instagram and Twitters.”

Yes, I’ve gotten quite good. I am what you call a Socialist, no?” Replies Sergei.
“Sergei no, no. That is not Socialist. Soci-“
Sergei interrupted “Yes I am going professional on social media’s. I am Socialist.”
“Yes, your on the Twitter and Instagrams.” Reassured Boris.
Yes, Sergei nodd...

My wife is stressed out not being allowed to leave the house or socialize.

And now, with this coronavirus thing...

Want to follow social distancing guidelines but still meet with your friends and family?

Just gather in groups of three, as there will be 6 feet between all of you :)

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