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Social Jokes

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My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

I hate it when people confuse one social media for another

Edit: Thanks for the likes

Why do social justice warriors hate dentists?

Because they make teeth straight and white.

I always thought I had anger issues and was anti-social

but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.

My dad is a social distancing champion!!!

I havent seen him since 2005

What is the difference between Capitalism and Socialism?

In a capitalist society, man exploits man and in a socialist one, it's the other way around.

What is David Byrne’s social security number?

444-44-4444

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "




Ps: This sub in a nutshell

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The Godfather’s relaxing at his social club...

...with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up.

The Godfather calls one of them over.

“Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.”

Jimmy swells with pride.

“I ...

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When social media bans female boobs, but not men's, it shows a real intolerance...

lactose intolerance.

If social distancing makes you feel lonely...

... just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Social experiment

Social researchers from Oxford devised an experiment to place three men from diverse cultures on an otherwise deserted island. They decided on one man from France, one from Germany, and one from Japan.

The German was told he is in charge of shelter, the Frenchman was put in charge of meals, a...

I've started a society for anti-social people

Our first meeting is on 30th February

When does it become socially acceptable for adults to build little hideouts out of pillows again?

When they’re in their forties

I am a social vegan

I avoid meet.

Ba dum tiss

What do you call a MMA fight between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

Socialism jokes are always funny

‘Cause everyone thinks they get them but they actually don’t.

What's the difference between a social media influencer and a philosophy major?

The philosophy major needed a degree to be useless.

Why are prisoners so bad at socializing?

Because they're in cells.

if I had a dollar for everytime socialism was succesful, I'd have 0$

Which is funny because if it did work, I'd also have 0$

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

What is a cow's favorite defunct social media app?

bo-Vine

My socially anxious friend got a PhD in palindromes.

He now goes by the title 'Dr Awkward'.

Why are shareholders so social?

Because they want company!

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.

The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home,
which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then raised concerns about the education
a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time ...

I wish I could be socially awkward for a day

Because being it every day is getting kinda old

Damn Social media

Facebook wants to know "What's on my mind?"
Twitter wants to know "What's happening?"
Google wants to know "Where I am?"
Siri/Alexa wants me to "Say something"!
Damn, the internet is turning into an online wife!

I want a cartoon about puppies saving humans from making situations socially awkward

We can call it Faux Pas Patrol

Social experiment…

I punched a white guy and got arrested for assault. When they let me out I punched a black guy and got arrested… for impersonating a police officer.

Why do ducks hate going to social events with other animals?

They always end up getting stuck with the bill.

I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing

this is as close as I could get.

What did the tulip farmer tell the social influencers who had trespassed to take pics?

I'm a grower not a shower.

I hate social distancing.

Seriously? I can't be within 300 feet of a school?

What do you call a mediocre social program?

So-So security

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A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later.”
...

What do pimples and social media influencers have in common?

They both start off small, randomly grow huge, explode, then leave a nasty scar until one day we forget they were ever there.

That's all guys, bye.

What social media platform do fetuses use?

discord

How do Muslims social distance?

Qur'antine

What is Thanos favourite social media?

Obviously Snapchat

My friend decided to quit almost all social media, but suddenly got addicted to the latest one by Meta.

He is hanging on…by a Thread.

Socialism sounds great in theory...

But in practice, you just gonna get couped by the CIA.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist said that I have trouble interpreting social cues.

I think she wants to sleep with me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Social progress....

A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
Ceremonial Pipe and eying two Canadian Government officials sent to
interview him.


"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his techn...

It's crazy how many people are talking about the Oscars across all my social media feeds

Everything is popping up everywhere, all at once

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What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bisexual hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?

A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie and tie dye watching sci-fi on wifi.

Credits: my bud

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A fellow stuck in a coronavirus outbreak, prayed to God for help.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!”

The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on.

Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!”

The ...

I was going to make a social media joke.

But I'm pretty sure you have already Reddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm socially constipated...

I haven't given a shit in years

What’s the unit of measure for social influence?

Instagrams

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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

I don't get why there are so many social justice warriors

Why don't people want to play as social justice mages or social justice rangers?

What do you call a large reptile who likes to stir up petty fights on social media?

An Insta-gator.

What does a socially awkward and depressed frog say?

Reddit.!

I was going to make a social media platform called "Please Try Again Later",

but I figured Reddit would sue me for copyright violation.

My obsession with Doris Day songs is ruining my social life.

I already lost my friends Kay, Sarah, Sarah.

Social Club

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
<...

Scientists have determined the optimal age at which humans are able to safely start using social media:

123 years old.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: "So, what do you think is the reason for you to have problems socializing?"

Me: "Well, that's for YOU to find out, you stupid cunt!"

Imagine being a social creature that's bad at socializing.

Oh wait. I don't have to

What time does a social justice warrior get up in the morning?

It's hard to say, she's already woke.

90s kids won't get this . . .

Social Security benefits.

Social Distancing.

You'd better stay six feet apart or you are going to be six feet deep...

"I'm a socialist drinker!" The bartender chuckled and asked me, "Don't you mean social drinker?"

"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."

Google+ is the gym of social networking.

We all join, but nobody actually uses it.

Social Distancing

We are two months into self-isolation and it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. It breaks my heart to see her like this. I have thought very hard about how I can cheer her up. I have even consid...

Why does Satan have social anxiety?

Because he goes through hell just to say hello

What’s thanos’s favorite social media platform?

Snapchat

Social Security

My cousin Donald Godwin went to get his Social Security started. But he forgot his papers on the kitchen table.

The lady at the Social Security office told him he needed proof of birth before they could get things started. He pulled down his shirt and said, “Don’t these grey hairs on my chest...

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

Social distancing will never work in India because...

... by the time you are 6 feet away from one, you will be too close to another person.

Gravity is just a social construct

Invented by a Christian to keep you down

Social distancing

I logged on to Facebook the other day only to post on my daughter's wall that she's a horrible dancer.
She asked why I would do such a thing.
I told her because I heard we were supposed to be "social diss dancing"

Social distancing...

...is the new reason why women tell me to get away. At least I’m not a creep anymore!

Which social media platform vegans hate the most?

Google meet

I don't practice "social distancing."

After 30 years of social anxiety and a deep disgust of humanity in general, I operate on an "expert" level.

What is an example of redneck social distancing?

Sleeping with your 3rd cousin instead of your 1st.

Why can’t you take electricity to social events?

Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

What is Captain Hook's least favorite social media?

Tick tock.

My son is doing a social experiment for school

For a week he will be wearing an "I love liberals!" hat everywhere he goes and record the reactions he observes from people he meets. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, yelled at, slapped twice and even had a bottle thrown at him. Its really quite awful, im not sure whats going to happen to hi...

I dunno why my work has posters up saying 'practice social distancing'

I mean, do we really need more practice?

I figure we're all pretty good at it by now.

[Dad joke] Social Media

I hear there is a new app for the COVID conscious.

It is called FaceMask.

Wanna see some social distancing?

Loan someone some money.

Socially Distant

Years ago I was criticized for being socially distant... I quess I was ahead of my time!

Social Distancing is so unbelievably stupid

If corona came from China, surely it can go another 6ft.

What social generation was Forrest Gump a part of?

Gen E

How does a Midwesterner get out of a painful social situation?

They pop an OPE-ioid

What do whales do during Social Distancing?

Netflix and Krill

I hosted an orgy for the socially anxious.

Nobody came.

I'm going to tell my Gen Z friend a joke about Social Security...

...but he probably won't get it.

I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

Social Distancing during COVID-19

Me n my wife decided to do something about following social distancing and keeping ourselves satisfied...


We 69'd so that our mouths weren't within 2 feet distance...

This new software developer is so socially awkward …

… he failed the Turing Test.

Socialism is bad.

I learned that in public school.

Two musicians, violating social distancing

I was annoyed to see two musicians together today, violating social distancing. They were counting: one repeated "1 2 3, 1 2 3,"…; the other, "1 2 3 4 5, 1 2 3 4 5,"… "Hey!", I said, "It's unsafe, so close together!" "No worries", they replied, "we have two meters between us."

Good social distancing practice

Is one wet fart away, eat lots of cabbage and let's beat Covid-19

Michigan has updated their social distancing guidelines

Residents are now asked to stay one oars-length away from one another.

What's the difference between a social norm and a social more?

When you have an informal understanding that governs the behavior of members of a society, that a norm.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a more.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A social misfit walks into his local bar

with a big grin on his face.


"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.


"Well I’ll tell you," replies the ugly guy. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies.


I, of cou...

Oedipus at social engagements:

Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Oedipus, this is my significant mother...

My doctor refuses to post my diagnosis to social media...

He says my disease is untweetable...

I have a great joke about social anxiety.

Who am I kidding? You'll hate it.

1960s kids don't have a problem with social distancing.

Everyone was pretty spaced-out then.

Trump has more impeachments than he does social media accounts.

This joke will never get old, ever.

social distancing is great, public school shootings are down 100%

Unfortunately home school shootings are up 100%

India is taking social distancing seriously

Citizens without masks were seen getting hard whacks on the behind by policeman with batons as punishment.

When asked if the punishment was too severe, one constable responded, "Not at all. I'm just flattening the curve".

We've been practicing social distancing for a while now;

I think we're ready for the real deal.

A court declares social distancing unenforceable in Alabama

Reasons the judge: The entire state’s population can reasonably be considered as a family unit

whats the difference between a social media influencer and a bench??

one can support a family.

How many social justice warriors does it take to change a light bulb?

Just kidding, social justice warriors can't change anything.

Which cheese is always compliant with social distancing?

Provolone

I'm starting a social media website for religious people with a lisp

Faithbook

What did the reddit user say after looking at his social life?

Wow, such empty

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