UPJOKE
sociablegregariousculturalpoliticsfriendlysocietypoliticalmixerinterpersonalethnicsociallypartywelfareeconomicpublic

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Therapist: "So, what do you think is the reason for you to have problems socializing?"

Me: "Well, that's for YOU to find out, you stupid cunt!"

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Social experiment

Social researchers from Oxford devised an experiment to place three men from diverse cultures on an otherwise deserted island. They decided on one man from France, one from Germany, and one from Japan.

The German was told he is in charge of shelter, the Frenchman was put in charge of meals, a...

I was going to make a social media platform called "Please Try Again Later",

but I figured Reddit would sue me for copyright violation.

Why are prisoners so bad at socializing?

Because they're in cells.

What do you call a reptile who like to troll people on social media?

An Insta-gator.

My obsession with Doris Day songs is ruining my social life.

I already lost my friends Kay, Sarah, Sarah.

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

What is the difference between Capitalism and Socialism?

In a capitalist society, man exploits man and in a socialist one, it's the other way around.

There's a new social media platform where people can take pictures of how they've been conned by their coke dealer.

Isntagram.

Damn Social media

Facebook wants to know "What's on my mind?"
Twitter wants to know "What's happening?"
Google wants to know "Where I am?"
Siri/Alexa wants me to "Say something"!
Damn, the internet is turning into an online wife!

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

What social media platform do fetuses use?

discord

What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

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An American and a Russian die and go to Hell... (Long)

They are met at the gates by Satan, who offers them a choice: They can either go to American Hell or Russian Hell.

Both new arrivals are curious as to what the difference is, so Satan explains that in American Hell you are free to do whatever you want; you'll find that we have all the finest...

Circus adoption

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nurse...

What’s the unit of measure for social influence?

Instagrams

In the 70s...

A Russian asks for a meeting with the President

\- I would like a passport and a visa to Belgium - asks the Russian man

\- But aren't you fine in Russia? - asks the president

\- Hm, really, I can't complain

\- So, maybe you don't like your work there?

\- Hm, reall...

What time does a social justice warrior get up in the morning?

It's hard to say, she's already woke.

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My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

I hate social distancing.

Seriously? I can't be within 300 feet of a school?

My brother asked me for some weed so I gave him some.

He’s the new kid in school, doesn’t really know anyone and doesn’t have the best social skills. I guess that’s how it goes in kindergarten.

I'm going to tell my Gen Z friend a joke about Social Security...

...but he probably won't get it.

Social experiment…

I punched a white guy and got arrested for assault. When they let me out I punched a black guy and got arrested… for impersonating a police officer.

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Elder humor

Two 80 year old folks decided to married after their respective partners had died. Mostly for companionship, and social things.
That night after the wedding in bed, the husband starts to get frisky,...
She says "Be careful, I have acute angina", he says "Ya and your titties aren't bad either!"

In reality, communism in Russia never failed.

Gorbachev abolished the state, Yeltsin abolished social classes by making everyone poor, and Putin is now abolishing money!

I dunno why my work has posters up saying 'practice social distancing'

I mean, do we really need more practice?

I figure we're all pretty good at it by now.

How does a Midwesterner get out of a painful social situation?

They pop an OPE-ioid

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "




Ps: This sub in a nutshell

I went to get a booster today but froze and forgot my social security number, so I just made up a random one.

New year, new me

What’s it called when you are shadow banned by all social media and no one sees your posts?

A diary.

An old woman and her birthday gifts

An old woman had three sons. Two were rich and the other was poor. This woman's 90th birthday was coming up and this depressed the poorer son as he knew he could never match his brothers gifts in terms of expense or splendour.

However, he didn't give up and thought of gift she would really l...

There were so many people at my house today without masks and social distancing, imagine the stench…

Lucky I haven’t been able to smell anything in the past few days…

I hate it when people confuse one social media for another

Edit: Thanks for the likes

Socialism sounds great in theory...

But in practice, you just gonna get couped by the CIA.

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Social Security Application

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later.” ...

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4th of July bash

A career Wall Street stockbroker was burnt out and decided to go off the grid completely. He had enough of that dog-eat-dog lifestyle, the stress, the non-stop rat race of NYC, the constantly fluctuating stock market, and his many irate clients.

So, he decided to leave New York and buy a cabi...

A woman from[Insert trashy town name here] goes to the local social security office

The registrar asks her a few background questions.

How many kids do you have? I have 8 boys, she says
Ok - what’s the name of the first one? John, she says
Ok - what’s the name of the second one? John, she says
The registrar says - they are both named John? Yes - she replies.
Ok ...

How can you tell the difference between a cop and a social media influencer?

The influencer HAS TO tell you their job.

This new software developer is so socially awkward …

… he failed the Turing Test.

A man was deathly afraid of ice cream

So much so that the mere sight or mention of the tasty frozen treat could send him into a panic attack.

He tried to avoid it, but it was everywhere. In movies. In songs. On social media. In real life!

Due to the severity of his condition, the man resolved to find a life partner who hat...

A socially awkward loner finally landed a job as a mailman. When the people on his route saw a new face, they instinctively wanted to know who he was and he always gave the same response.

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I'm a social vegan.

I avoid meet.

Did you hear about the crow who got arrested for trying to start a social club?

He was charged with attempted murder... I'll see myself out

I just scored a 170 on an online IQ test and only had to answer three simple questions.

1.My credit card number

2.My social security number

3.Uploading a signed copy of my birth certificate

A redditor walks into a bar…

Just kidding, we know the average redditor can’t socialize.

My dad is a social distancing champion!!!

I havent seen him since 2005

Why can’t you take electricity to social events?

Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

You can make a capitalist poor and they’ll still believe in Capitalism

But if you make a socialist rich, you have a new capitalist.

After the fall of the Soviet Union...

two Russian friends meet and one tells the other:

Friend 1: You know what? Everything they told us about socialism and communism was a lie.

And his friend replies,

Friend 2: You are right. And do you know what's even worse? Everything they told us about capitalism is true.

A lot of new social media sites are like some of the jokes on this sub:

Smaller, more condensed and ultimately worse than the original they ripped off

I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

Which social media platform vegans hate the most?

Google meet

Politics in terms of cows

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes a high portion of the milk they produce to be redistributed.


COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and you have to get into a bread line for food instead.


FASCISM: You have two cows. The State will kill you ...

What does a socially awkward and depressed frog say?

Reddit.!

During a survey three people of various professions - a mathematician, a sociologist and an accountant - were asked "How much is 2+2?"

The mathematician answered "Four".

The sociologist answered "Assuming that we want the answer that is in accordance with the Western social norms, four."

The accountant asked "And how much do you want it to be?"

Social distancing will never work in India because...

... by the time you are 6 feet away from one, you will be too close to another person.

How do Muslims social distance?

Qur'antine

If social distancing makes you feel lonely...

... just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.

I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing.

But this is as close as I could get.

What social generation was Forrest Gump a part of?

Gen E

What did the reddit user say after looking at his social life?

Wow, such empty

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The difference between a non drinker, a social drinker, and an alcoholic...

The bartender hands a drink to the non-drinker... the non-drinker hands it back and says "uh, there's a fly in it".

The bar tender hands a drink to to the social drinker... the social drinker notices a fly in it, picks the fly out and then proceeds drink it.

The bartender hands a drin...

I'm starting a social media website for religious people with a lisp

Faithbook

How did the cavemen survive the asteroid that killed all the dinosaurs?

Social distancing, they stayed 56 million years apart.

whats the difference between a social media influencer and a bench??

one can support a family.

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When social media bans female boobs, but not men's, it shows a real intolerance...

lactose intolerance.

What is Thanos' favorite social media app?

Snapchat.

My college age son decided to wear a Trump 2020 shirt as a social experiment here in California.

So far he’s been yelled at, punched, kicked and spit on, & he hasn’t even left the house yet.....

What is Captain Hook's least favorite social media?

Tick tock.

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Every time I see someone posting lyrics of inspirational songs on social media, I get really pissed off.

But I will survive.

My son is doing a social experiment for school.

He plans on wearing an "I love Liberals" shirt out in public and will be recording the interactions with others. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, slapped, and even threatened. Im afraid what will happen when he actually leaves the house.

the inventor of the revolving door looked at a perfectly normal door and boldly asked "what if i added social anxiety?"

if i go too slow? surely everyone behind me hates me.

too fast? everyone behind me is in danger.

perfect invention.

let's put them in the busiest buildings.

What happens when a plant tries to add you on social media?

You get a fern request.

I always thought I had anger issues and was anti-social

but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.

My doctor refuses to post my diagnosis to social media...

He says my disease is untweetable...

Why does Satan have social anxiety?

Because he goes through hell just to say hello

When I moved to Florida, I couldn't fit in

Finishing 3rd Grade really affected my social life there.

Trump has more impeachments than he does social media accounts.

This joke will never get old, ever.

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Social progress....

A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
Ceremonial Pipe and eying two Canadian Government officials sent to
interview him.


"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his techn...

I developed a successful chicken social network app to make more money.

I didn’t do it for the glory I did it to make hens meet.

When I was a teenager…

…I worked as a bag boy in a southern supermarket (Publix). As one of the busiest stores, we were chosen to test making fresh squeezed juice in the store at customers’ request. As a social person, this sounded like a pretty cool job so I asked my manager if I could get some shifts on the juice machin...

What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?

Influen(zer)

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Cows and ideologies (long)

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots...

Why do social justice warriors hate dentists?

Because they make teeth straight and white.

1960s kids don't have a problem with social distancing.

Everyone was pretty spaced-out then.

Why did the social awkward man never go to the second storey of his house ?

He couldn't handle the stairs.

I don't get why there are so many social justice warriors

Why don't people want to play as social justice mages or social justice rangers?

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The Godfather’s relaxing at his social club...

...with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up.

The Godfather calls one of them over.

“Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.”

Jimmy swells with pride.

“I ...

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So the other day I said to me wife - you know seems like these days we only have Social Security sex."

She gives me a strange look - "Social Security sex?"

I said "Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

How does a socially inept cat walk away from conversation?

On his faux pas

Most often heard response to the social-distancing 1 meter apart rule in Norway?

We have to stand closer to people?

Gravity is just a social construct

Invented by a Christian to keep you down

What is an example of redneck social distancing?

Sleeping with your 3rd cousin instead of your 1st.

Social distancing at a nudist colony

Is directly influenced by the tempture.
Warm days, 6'3"
Cold days less

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My therapist told me that I’m terrible in picking up social cues.

I think she’s hitting on me.

Social distancing guidelines have been relaxed, and we can now have gatherings of up to 8 people without issues

But I don't even know 8 people without issues.

We've been practicing social distancing for a while now

When's the test gonna be?

Why shouldn’t you recommend a book to a social media user?

Because they have probably already Reddit

We've been practicing social distancing for a while now;

I think we're ready for the real deal.

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What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bi sexual Hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?

A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie watching sci-fi on wifi.

Due to social distancing, only six of the seven dwarfs can meet at their favorite coffee shop.

One of them isn't Happy.

I see a lot of social media bios that say “retired athlete”...

...which basically means “never went pro”.

What did the cows write on their protest signs when the farmer made them social distance due to COVID?

We just want to be herd.

if I had a dollar for everytime socialism was succesful, I'd have 0$

Which is funny because if it did work, I'd also have 0$

social distancing is great, public school shootings are down 100%

Unfortunately home school shootings are up 100%

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