UPJOKE
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I was going to make a social media joke.

But I'm pretty sure you have already Reddit.

What social media platform do fetuses use?

discord

What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

What is the difference between Capitalism and Socialism?

In a capitalist society, man exploits man and in a socialist one, it's the other way around.

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

What’s the unit of measure for social influence?

Instagrams

What time does a social justice warrior get up in the morning?

It's hard to say, she's already woke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

I hate social distancing.

Seriously? I can't be within 300 feet of a school?

I'm going to tell my Gen Z friend a joke about Social Security...

...but he probably won't get it.

Social experiment…

I punched a white guy and got arrested for assault. When they let me out I punched a black guy and got arrested… for impersonating a police officer.

I dunno why my work has posters up saying 'practice social distancing'

I mean, do we really need more practice?

I figure we're all pretty good at it by now.

I went to get a booster today but froze and forgot my social security number, so I just made up a random one.

New year, new me

What’s it called when you are shadow banned by all social media and no one sees your posts?

A diary.

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "




Ps: This sub in a nutshell

Politics in terms of cows

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes a high portion of the milk they produce to be redistributed.


COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and you have to get into a bread line for food instead.


FASCISM: You have two cows. The State will kill you ...

There were so many people at my house today without masks and social distancing, imagine the stench…

Lucky I haven’t been able to smell anything in the past few days…

During a survey three people of various professions - a mathematician, a sociologist and an accountant - were asked "How much is 2+2?"

The mathematician answered "Four".

The sociologist answered "Assuming that we want the answer that is in accordance with the Western social norms, four."

The accountant asked "And how much do you want it to be?"

What social media does Captain hook hate?

Tik-tok

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Social Security Application

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later.” ...

Socialism sounds great in theory...

But in practice, you just gonna get couped by the CIA.

When I moved to Florida, I couldn't fit in

Finishing 3rd Grade really affected my social life there.

A woman from[Insert trashy town name here] goes to the local social security office

The registrar asks her a few background questions.

How many kids do you have? I have 8 boys, she says
Ok - what’s the name of the first one? John, she says
Ok - what’s the name of the second one? John, she says
The registrar says - they are both named John? Yes - she replies.
Ok ...

When I was a teenager…

…I worked as a bag boy in a southern supermarket (Publix). As one of the busiest stores, we were chosen to test making fresh squeezed juice in the store at customers’ request. As a social person, this sounded like a pretty cool job so I asked my manager if I could get some shifts on the juice machin...

I just scored a 170 on an online IQ test and only had to answer three simple questions.

1.My credit card number

2.My social security number

3.Uploading a signed copy of my birth certificate

This new software developer is so socially awkward …

… he failed the Turing Test.

How can you tell the difference between a cop and a social media influencer?

The influencer HAS TO tell you their job.

I hate it when people confuse one social media for another

Edit: Thanks for the likes

You can make a capitalist poor and they’ll still believe in Capitalism

But if you make a socialist rich, you have a new capitalist.

A socially awkward loner finally landed a job as a mailman. When the people on his route saw a new face, they instinctively wanted to know who he was and he always gave the same response.

Long time lurker, first time poster.

How did the cavemen survive the asteroid that killed all the dinosaurs?

Social distancing, they stayed 56 million years apart.

Why can’t you take electricity to social events?

Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cows and ideologies (long)

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots...

I'm a social vegan.

I avoid meet.

A lot of new social media sites are like some of the jokes on this sub:

Smaller, more condensed and ultimately worse than the original they ripped off

Which social media platform vegans hate the most?

Google meet

Did you hear about the crow who got arrested for trying to start a social club?

He was charged with attempted murder... I'll see myself out

What social generation was Forrest Gump a part of?

Gen E

Guys I tried to think of a social distancing joke

but this is as close as I could get

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The difference between a non drinker, a social drinker, and an alcoholic...

The bartender hands a drink to the non-drinker... the non-drinker hands it back and says "uh, there's a fly in it".

The bar tender hands a drink to to the social drinker... the social drinker notices a fly in it, picks the fly out and then proceeds drink it.

The bartender hands a drin...

Social distancing will never work in India because...

... by the time you are 6 feet away from one, you will be too close to another person.

What did the reddit user say after looking at his social life?

Wow, such empty

whats the difference between a social media influencer and a bench??

one can support a family.

My dad is a social distancing champion!!!

I havent seen him since 2005

What does a socially awkward and depressed frog say?

Reddit.!

How do Muslims social distance?

Qur'antine

I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

I'm starting a social media website for religious people with a lisp

Faithbook

What is Captain Hook's least favorite social media?

Tick tock.

If social distancing makes you feel lonely...

... just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.

the inventor of the revolving door looked at a perfectly normal door and boldly asked "what if i added social anxiety?"

if i go too slow? surely everyone behind me hates me.

too fast? everyone behind me is in danger.

perfect invention.

let's put them in the busiest buildings.

What happens when a plant tries to add you on social media?

You get a fern request.

My college age son decided to wear a Trump 2020 shirt as a social experiment here in California.

So far he’s been yelled at, punched, kicked and spit on, & he hasn’t even left the house yet.....

My son is doing a social experiment for school.

He plans on wearing an "I love Liberals" shirt out in public and will be recording the interactions with others. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, slapped, and even threatened. Im afraid what will happen when he actually leaves the house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When social media bans female boobs, but not men's, it shows a real intolerance...

lactose intolerance.

My doctor refuses to post my diagnosis to social media...

He says my disease is untweetable...

So this guy goes to his pharmacist to pick up his medicines.

At the pharmacist he starts having a breakdown. A little concerned about the man, the pharmacist asks him what's the matter? The man cries out that no one has ever liked any of his social media posts. The pharmacist takes a look at all his gloomy pics and suggests that he should smile more and look ...

Why does Satan have social anxiety?

Because he goes through hell just to say hello

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every time I see someone posting lyrics of inspirational songs on social media, I get really pissed off.

But I will survive.

Trump has more impeachments than he does social media accounts.

This joke will never get old, ever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Social progress....

A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
Ceremonial Pipe and eying two Canadian Government officials sent to
interview him.


"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his techn...

What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?

Influen(zer)

1960s kids don't have a problem with social distancing.

Everyone was pretty spaced-out then.

How does a socially inept cat walk away from conversation?

On his faux pas

I developed a successful chicken social network app to make more money.

I didn’t do it for the glory I did it to make hens meet.

I always thought I had anger issues and was anti-social

but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.

Why shouldn’t you recommend a book to a social media user?

Because they have probably already Reddit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So the other day I said to me wife - you know seems like these days we only have Social Security sex."

She gives me a strange look - "Social Security sex?"

I said "Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

Women are happier in February

A social media researcher walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Have you ever noticed that women complain less in the month of February?" he asks the bartender. "Really?" the bartender asks. "I hadn't noticed. Is it because of Valentine's Day?" "No," the researcher replies. "Near as we can tell we've...

Most often heard response to the social-distancing 1 meter apart rule in Norway?

We have to stand closer to people?

Social distancing guidelines have been relaxed, and we can now have gatherings of up to 8 people without issues

But I don't even know 8 people without issues.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist told me that I’m terrible in picking up social cues.

I think she’s hitting on me.

Why did the social awkward man never go to the second storey of his house ?

He couldn't handle the stairs.

What happens when you get a 100 socially awkward people together in a room?

Nothing.

Social distancing at a nudist colony

Is directly influenced by the tempture.
Warm days, 6'3"
Cold days less

Gravity is just a social construct

Invented by a Christian to keep you down

We've been practicing social distancing for a while now;

I think we're ready for the real deal.

I don't get why there are so many social justice warriors

Why don't people want to play as social justice mages or social justice rangers?

Due to social distancing, only six of the seven dwarfs can meet at their favorite coffee shop.

One of them isn't Happy.

What is an example of redneck social distancing?

Sleeping with your 3rd cousin instead of your 1st.

Why do social justice warriors hate dentists?

Because they make teeth straight and white.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Free bicycle

I bought a bicycle which I hardly used. As a socially responsible citizen, I put it out on the porch against a board saying "free bicycle ".

A week passed and no one took it. My friend said "Dude no on wants free stuff, just chain it to the post and it will be stolen in a jiffy".

I fol...

What did the cows write on their protest signs when the farmer made them social distance due to COVID?

We just want to be herd.

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.

The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home,
which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then raised concerns about the education
a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Godfather’s relaxing at his social club...

...with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up.

The Godfather calls one of them over.

“Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.”

Jimmy swells with pride.

“I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bi sexual Hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?

A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie watching sci-fi on wifi.

A court declares social distancing unenforceable in Alabama

Reasons the judge: The entire state’s population can reasonably be considered as a family unit

social distancing is great, public school shootings are down 100%

Unfortunately home school shootings are up 100%

As a social justice warrior, you all offend me. I am going to cancel each and every one of you.

Starting with your netflix account.

My girlfriend and I have been practicing social distancing since the start of the pandemic.

She calls it a restraining order for some weird reason.

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.

Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.

And it works. I already...

We, Americans have been told to keep practicing social distancing. But I’m curious...

When do we get to do it for real?

The CDC advises practicing social distancing during the holidays

That is why I didn't call my mom this year

if I had a dollar for everytime socialism was succesful, I'd have 0$

Which is funny because if it did work, I'd also have 0$

My son is doing a social experiment for school

For a week he will be wearing an "I love liberals!" hat everywhere he goes and record the reactions he observes from people he meets. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, yelled at, slapped twice and even had a bottle thrown at him. Its really quite awful, im not sure whats going to happen to hi...

Social Distancing is so unbelievably stupid

If corona came from China, surely it can go another 6ft.

Michigan has updated their social distancing guidelines

Residents are now asked to stay one oars-length away from one another.

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