What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing

This is as close as I could get

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every time I see someone posting lyrics of inspirational songs on social media, I get really pissed off.

But I will survive.

I am a Social Vegan

Because I avoid Meet

I'm seeing a lot of stuff on social media about how 'Blue Lives Matter'.

I reckon if someone's turned blue, it's a bit late to be debating whether or not their life matters anyway.

I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

Socialism is just common sense...

Because it’s common cents.

I always thought I had anger problems and was anti-social

but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.

Why did the social awkward man never go to the second storey of his house ?

He couldn't handle the stairs.

I told my Dad I am going to delete all of my social media accounts, throw away my electronics and go live in the woods.

He told me I can't just Thoreau my life away.

I hate it when people confuse one social media for another

Edit: Thanks for the likes

Google Plus was the gym of social networking

We all joined but no one ever used it

[Dad joke] Social Media

I hear there is a new app for the COVID conscious.

It is called FaceMask.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is the prostitute so bad at social distancing?

Because she only specializes in keeping 2 feet apart.

We, Americans have been told to keep practicing social distancing. But I’m curious...

When do we get to do it for real?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Now that I'm getting older I get social security sex.

I get a little every month but not enough to live off.

Why are Anti-Maskers better at social distancing?

Because they keep 6 feet of dirt apart from the living.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend of mine was having trouble socializing with Japanese Karp,

I told him to be less koi

I don't understand why everyone is saying that Americans are refusing to social distance...

...six feet is six feet, even if it's six feet under.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fellow stuck in a coronavirus outbreak, prayed to God for help.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!”

The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on.

Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!”

The ...

My dad is a social distancing champion!!!

I havent seen him since 2005

COVID-19 didn't kill John Conway. It was the social distancing.

He had fewer than 2 neighbors.

[Credit to "Darren New" on YouTube for this one. Also, if you find this funny, you're an awful person.]

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

...


Change? That’s socialism.

India is taking social distancing seriously

Citizens without masks were seen getting hard whacks on the behind by policeman with batons as punishment.

When asked if the punishment was too severe, one constable responded, "Not at all. I'm just flattening the curve".

Social Club

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
<...

What do you call a highly cited epidemiology researcher with a social media presence?

An influenzer.

What is an example of redneck social distancing?

Sleeping with your 3rd cousin instead of your 1st.

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

If social distancing makes you feel lonely...

... just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.

What's the difference between a social worker and a pit bull?

At least you can get some of your baby back from a pit bull.

Why did the communist kill all of the civilians in the town square, regardless of their social class?

Because he was an expert Marxman.

What game should you not play when social distancing?

Space invaders

Man, social distancing sucks.

WHO thought this was a good idea

Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.

Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.

Michigan has updated their social distancing guidelines

Residents are now asked to stay one oars-length away from one another.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bi sexual Hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?

A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie watching sci-fi on wifi.

Want to follow social distancing guidelines but still meet with your friends and family?

Just gather in groups of three, as there will be 6 feet between all of you :)

Every single currency in this world is just an illusion, a social construct

but Brazil's real.

This social situation during Covid has been really hard on me emotionally.

Everyone has been so distant.

What is Mr Frog's favourite social media platform?

Reddit reddit. Reddit

Social Security

My cousin Donald Godwin went to get his Social Security started. But he forgot his papers on the kitchen table.

The lady at the Social Security office told him he needed proof of birth before they could get things started. He pulled down his shirt and said, “Don’t these grey hairs on my chest...

Which cheese is always compliant with social distancing?

Provolone

"Social credit system , censorship of any info that does not fit their narrative , Demonization of people with wrong think " You know who I am talking about.

Reddit

social distancing is great, public school shootings are down 100%

Unfortunately home school shootings are up 100%

Foucault: Schools serve the same social functions as prisons and hospitals.

Foucault’s mother: You’re still going.

Social Distancing

We are two months into self-isolation and it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. It breaks my heart to see her like this. I have thought very hard about how I can cheer her up. I have even consid...

It's unfortunate that the NASA and SpaceX astronauts weren't social distancing with eachother...

But their PPE is out of this world!

going on social media these days is like going to church

after 5mins, I feel guilty af

What do you call a riot wih social distancing?

A repellion.

My dad threw every social studies book away except one

It was history...

Not a single person at those Memorial Day swim parties in Missouri was social distancing. They were packed in there, shoulder-to-shoulder, splashing around, making a...

...second wave pool.

Unfortunately men are still getting infected even when they abide by social distancing

That's because six feet to them is in reality 5'8"

My wife is stressed out not being allowed to leave the house or socialize.

And now, with this coronavirus thing...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s a C, N, & T in social distancing...

All I need is U to get the fuck away from me.

What do whales do during Social Distancing?

Netflix and Krill

Seeing as how Mount St Helen's been all over social media...

I vote we change her name to Mount St Karen..as a warning for future generations

Why can’t flat earthers practice social distancing?

They would run out of room and fall off the edge.

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group.

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline has pushed anyone over the edge yet.

I asked my friend, “Hey, did you read that article about a social media platform that has some very toxic people, very questionable virtual communities, and people that come together to do amazing things?”

He replies: “Yeah, I Reddit.”

I don't practice "social distancing."

After 30 years of social anxiety and a deep disgust of humanity in general, I operate on an "expert" level.

What do you call a bunch of pandemic flu victims that all ignore social distancing and get together for a party?

A murder of crovids

Day 1: Staying home, avoiding social gatherings and eating food in my room

Day 50: Continuing with this process

Day 100: Still feeling okay

Day 2500: Now a global virus has arrived and others are doing what i do.

People from High School class of '69 turn 69 this year,but because of social distancing,

69 is the safest position for distancing and everyone has some place to safely cough into.

I suggested to my wife that we practice social distancing

She agreed, but wanted to call it a trial separation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When social media bans female boobs, but not men's, it shows a real intolerance...

lactose intolerance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Being on social media is like having sex

It's fun until you know your parents do it too

My wife is socially distancing me...

Just to be safe, she started it in 2008.

Farmers have this social distancing thing mastered...

Guess you could say they’re outstanding in their field

Here is a quick guide to social distancing.

If you can smell my fart, we are not far enough apart.

Socially Distant

Years ago I was criticized for being socially distant... I quess I was ahead of my time!

A fathom is a unit of length equivalent to 6 feet, so not respecting social distance would be rather...

...unfathomable.

Army soldiers can't comprehend the 6-foot social distancing requirement.

But everyone in the Navy can fathom it.

My Dad is Happy About Social Distancing

Now he has an excuse to never give me a hug. :(

Two musicians, violating social distancing

I was annoyed to see two musicians together today, violating social distancing. They were counting: one repeated "1 2 3, 1 2 3,"…; the other, "1 2 3 4 5, 1 2 3 4 5,"… "Hey!", I said, "It's unsafe, so close together!" "No worries", they replied, "we have two meters between us."

How much toilet paper you have now determines your social status

How Charmin

Social distancing for an introvert is like winning a free ticket to a Coldplay concert for an extrovert

I feel right at home

Didja hear about the two fat chicks flouting social distancing rules while going for a walk?

They just wanted to flatten their curves.

Court declares social distancing rules unenforceable in Alabama

The Judge wrote in his opinion that "the entire state's population can be reasonably considered a family unit."

I was so fortunate that a Muslim family was able to take me in when Social Isolation when into effect.

Now I am in Quran-tine.

I don't need to worry about social distancing.

Nobody comes near me anyways

What do you call an ant that’s been shunned by his community?

Socially dist-ant

During these uncertain times, it is important to remember that we are all still human beings and we should treat each other in a polite and respectful manner. If I come within 6' of you, just politely remind me about social distancing.

None of this, "I have a restraining order, creep!"

What do a diet and social distancing have in common?

Both flatten the curve.

I was keep my social distance, but this guy kept getting closer.

He got real close and whispered "I'm asymptotic."

In order to support social distancing, the National Association for Celebacy has cancelled its March meeting.

Please share this message. They want to make sure nobody comes.

A woman who had no degree, achievements, or useful skills, except for being good looking, used to be known only as a trophy wife

today they're mostly known as social media influencers

This social distancing is going too far.

I just went to make a cake and the first line on the packet said separate 2 eggs 🥚<-->🥚

My son is doing a social experiment for school

For a week he will be wearing an "I love liberals!" hat everywhere he goes and record the reactions he observes from people he meets. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, yelled at, slapped twice and even had a bottle thrown at him. Its really quite awful, im not sure whats going to happen to hi...

Went out for my state sanctioned, socially distant walk today...

...and I gotta say, a lot of guys seem to measuring six feet the way they measure six inches.

Social distancing is not new

my friends practiced this in high school. And then in college. And my work friends have been doing it for years.

Cemeteries are great places to practice social distancing.

Everyone is always six feet away from you.

What does it take to turn a Trump Supporter into a socialist?

$1,000

At our local shop, the police were there to enforce social distancing.

They were singing ‘don’t stand... don’t stand so... don’t stand so close to me’.

If Thanos used social media, what platform would he use?

Snapchat

A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals.

It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.

Social distancing

I logged on to Facebook the other day only to post on my daughter's wall that she's a horrible dancer.
She asked why I would do such a thing.
I told her because I heard we were supposed to be "social diss dancing"

"Social Distancing" is a strategy designed to protect you from someone coughing close to you.

So make sure you let everyone know to far cough.

Right now everyone in Cleveland is taking social distancing very seriously. No one is even down by the lake.

It's Erie

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