UPJOKE
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Unhealthy Jokes

My wife says she’s leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with poker.

I think she’s bluffing.
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My girlfriend left me because of my “unhealthy obsession” with USSR memorabilia...

She said there were too many red flags!
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What institution servs the most unhealthy meals?

The Mayo Clinic.
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Is manual arousal unhealthy?

Using two hands can result in the clap!
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Why is Tumblr so unhealthy?

It's full of trans fats.
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I had an unhealthy obsession with lunar phases.

I’m really happy that I don’t anymore. I’m over the moon, in fact.
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In the past, I've tried to slowly wean myself off of my unhealthy habit of eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers, but it never works.

This year I'm going to quit cold turkey.
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I was arrested for having an unhealthy attraction to large amounts of data

They’re calling me a petaphile
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My therapist said my hyper-independence was unhealthy.

I then realised I didn't need a therapist.

My friend has an unhealthy obsession with ocean life

I told her to sea kelp
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My therapist said I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge.

We'll see about that.

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My unhealthy coping mechanism is sex

That's why I'm still depressed

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I have an unhealthy sexual attraction towards figures in Greek mythology ever since

\
I laid my eyes on Medusa. Been rock hard ever since.

What's the most unhealthy meal served in a nursing home?

The Seizure salad.
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Unhealthy food

So the guy goes to the doctor, says he doesn't feel all to good. The doc poked him a bit, measured his pulse and stuff, and finally gave him a questionnaire about his diet.

So he reads about his last week's menu.
- Red meat? You can't have that much red meat! You know how much saturated f...
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Because of all the studying, I spend an unhealthy amount of time sitting.

I think I am understanding.
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People think staying awake all weekend is unhealthy

...but really, sleep is for the week
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A girl is fed up with her boyfriend's unhealthy obsession with detective movies, and wants to break up with him.

"This is too much. We really should split up."

"Good idea, we can cover more ground that way."
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TIFU: My uniform fetish has been escalating to unhealthy levels. Today I set the apartment on fire just so I could call 911, and I didn't realize my girlfriend was still inside.

Don't worry. I came to her rescue.
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New research shows porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea...

Of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

I told my wife how nervous I was about hosting the talk on unhealthy relationships.

"I'm terrified of public speaking," I told her, "but my friend gave me a good tip: he said I should imagine the crowd naked."

My wife said, "No, you're only allowed to imagine me naked."
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Coping with the depression of my wife cheating on me has made me unhealthy. My new motto is going to be #BEACHEATER

The doctor told me that the sand is very good for health
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Did you hear about the architect who had an unhealthy obsession with designing overly intricate shopping malls?

He had a complex complex complex.
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Why were the Nazi's so unhealthy?

Instead of a food pyramid, they had a Reichtangle

I used to have an unhealthy obsession with plumbing parts but,

after years of therapy, I finally got it out my cistern.
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What do you call your partner when you're in an unhealthy relationship?

A snack
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My doctor told me I have an unhealthy obsession with iPads.

So he gave me some tablets.
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What do you call an unhealthy glow on your face after a week long cocaine bender?

Charlie Sheen.
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A lot of people are talking about how unhealthy bagels are for you, and how there are so many better breakfast options.

It’s a real schmear campaign.
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Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house.

It was delicious.
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I went to the doctor this morning and he told me that my cholesterol level was way too high.

He then told me to stay away from fatty and unhealthy foods. Thus, with a heavy heart, I made a profound decision. I decided that I will never be going back to that doctor again.
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People are forever going on about how video games are an unhealthy influence on the young.

But I grew up in the 1980s when all we had was Pacman and it's not like we spent all our time running around in the dark munching pills to weird repetitive music!
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What's red and unhealthy for your teeth?

A brick.
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Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think ...

Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting...

...or has multiple restraining orders against me?
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What separates having a healthy interest in the English language from an unhealthy obsession is...

addictionary.
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Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.

They fuck you once a month for 25 years,

they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend,

and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.

A health-conscious man got a job as...

... a grocery packer. Every day he watched customers buy candy, soda, potato chips and processed snacks. He knew people were damaging their health with these unhealthy foods choices.

One day, he couldn't take it anymore. When he saw a customer with their cart full of particularly unhealthy ju...
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Woman walks into the Butchers and asks for meat

Woman walked into the butcher and gets some steak and dog scraps. This happens for a while and the butcher asks what sort of dog she has. She replied I don't have a dog. It's for my husband he thinks he's a dog and it's all he eats
The butcher tells her that's terrible and also very unhealthy to ...

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I had this girl call me a snack, you know, in a sexy way

Little did she know how close she was to reality. I mean, I'm unhealthy, consumed quickly and people look for me when they're sad, lonely or bored.

Yo mama so fat

>!We’re genuinely worried about her. That kind of lifestyle is unhealthy. You should encourage her to walk more and lay off the Ben&Jerry’s.!<
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An American was talking to a Japanese friend on why he wouldn't eat french fries and hamburgers...

The Japanese friend said: "In Japan normally we don't eat a lot of unhealthy stuff because it'll make us fat".

The American said: "Why do you care about being fat?"

The Japanese friend said: "You don't want to know what happened last time when we had a fat man in Japan..."

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My doctor told me I really needed to stop masturbating.

I was pretty baffled. "I didn't know it was unhealthy! What's it going to hurt?"

He seemed a little stunned that I was stunned. "Look it's not that it's unhealthy; it's that I'm trying to examine you right now."

I like my food like I like my coping mechanisms.

Extremely unhealthy.
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A patient goes to an psychologist.

"Let's see" says the doctor, "what comes to your mind when you see this?" and shows the patient a paper with a square drawn on it.
"Sex", replies the patient.
"And this?" the doctor shows the patient a circle.
"Sex!", replies the patient.
"What would you say if I showed you this?...

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A little kid was on a park bench eating a 1 quart container of ice cream...

It had fudge, caramel syrup, sprinkles, and just about everything you could think of.

A man walks up to him and said, "That is so unhealthy! You'll become overweight, possibly get diabetes and so many more bad things."

The kid said, "My grandfather lived to be 102!"

The man rep...

A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to he...
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A marketing team had to make a Coca-Cola ad for Arabia

So they sent their best man on the job. When he came back, they saw that the campaign failed miserably and nobody was buying the product. So the team asked him what happened. He explained:

We made a billboard with three images. On the first one, there is a person that is very unhealthy and a...
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Six chocolate bars

An old man, sitting on his porch one nice day, sees a chubby little boy walk down the street to the store. On the way back the boy is carrying six chocolate bars, and proceeds to sit down not far from the old man's lawn, peel open the chocolate bar wrappers one by one and eat the candy inside. Whe...

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A man dies in an accident

He never drank, nor smoked. He never had sex and never indulged in anything unhealthy.

The Life Insurance Company refused the claim on the note that 'How can someone have died if he had never lived in the first place?'

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Theodore Roosevelt and William McKinley were walking down Pennsylvania Avenue

Theodore Roosevelt and William McKinley were walking down Pennsylvania Avenue. As they passed the intersection with 15th street NW, they came across a man dressed as a massive phallus smoking a cigarette.

Roosevelt, being opposed to the use of tobacco products, stopped the man and said "Son, ...

A patient walks in and says

Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.
Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.
Patient: I don't touch a drop.
Doctor: You should cut down on smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke.
Doctor: You should stop taking drugs.
Patient: I don't do drugs.
Doctor...
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A woman wants to lose some weight

A woman wanted to lose weight so she joined a gym. She hired the best personal trainer the gym had.

After a few months of working out with him she still had not lost any weight. The trainer believed it was because she was still eating unhealthy at home. He suggested she hire a nutritionist t...
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An elderly couple die in a car wreck and appear at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter greets them and invites them in.

He takes them to a nearby car lot and tells them to choose a car. The old man says, "I can't afford any of those cars." St. Peter tells him not to worry about it, because it's Heaven and the cars are there for his use...Ferrari, Bentley, Mercedes......
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So Jan gets a job driving a school bus.

The first day of school, Jan is given the bus she's to drive. She's driving an elementary-school route, so the inside of the bus has been decked out with Sesame Street characters; muppets pasted on every wall. Jan shrugs and gets started on her route.

The first kid is a super fat little girl...
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A cannibal is teaching his son how to hunt ...

Hiding on top of a tree by a busy trail, the father and son are sizing up their potential meals. The son was always eager to jump whenever someone walks by, but always the patient father held him back for various reasons : too many ppl in a group. Too strong a target. Too risky etc.

Finally ...
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