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What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash?

You get what you fucking deserve. *BANG*

What phrase is 5 words long, makes you a part of a secretly hated society, is as infective as a virus and stays in your memory forever, but is only mentioned on occasion?

“I just lost the game”

I got banned from the secret cooking society…

For spilling the beans.

Whenever I see a bus with a woman driver, I smile and I think how far the society has gone.

Then waited to take the next one.

If a crime is committed often enough, it eventually just becomes a norm, and society eventually learns to accept and forgive it.

So anyway, I'm gonna need all you guys to start collecting dog skulls. Don't ask why.

I feel like people who write things online under fake accounts are insecure and can’t handle the pressure of having society see who they really are

-Anonymous

The testicular cancer society called me and said, “Did you get our email?” I said No.

They said, “Then you better check your junk.”

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American society is best summarized by Christmas time

People who buy a bunch of shit while being surrounded by snowflakes.

No one knowingly joins a patriarchal society.

They get grandfathered in.

What is the difference between a capitalist society and a socialist one?

In a capitalist society, man exploits man. In a socialist one, it's the other way around.

Excessive consumption of heavy metal causes cancer and is ruining society

Especially lead. Lead in the water pipes is a big problem.

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Frustrated by a world of moral decay, a man decided that he wanted a pure, innocent woman for his wife.

So he went to church in the hope of finding someone who had not been corrupted by modern society. After two weeks, he met a charming girl and took her back to his place for the ultimate test. Whipping out his manhood, he asked her: ‘What’s this?’

‘A cock,’ she replied.

Disappointed by ...

It's a sad commentary on modern society that an entire loving family can be torn apart by such a simple thing

as a pack of wild dogs.

Armed robbers; some say they're a drain on society.

But you've got to give it to them.

I just joined a new wine appreciation society.

We meet in the park at 9am most days.

I'm appalled that the quadriplegic society won't allow me to run in their presidential election

I won't stand for it!

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Did you hear about that birdwatcher that was sent to jail?

He got caught robin a bank, which in our society, is a cardinal sin.

Real timid guy, too... I'm surprised he had the gull to pull it off.

I mean, I'm not surprised he got into trouble, seeing as to how he made a hobby of sitting in the bushes and staring at tits.

But I'm sure th...

Vaccines are a disgusting evil to society that cause mental and physical deformities. That’s why I’m the proud anti-vaxx mother of 5 beautiful children.

Edit 1: 4 beautiful children

Edit 2: 3 beautiful children

Edit 3: 2 beautiful children

The phone number for the Anti Vax Society is 545-5437

Otherwise know as KIL-KIDS

We live in such an uncaring society. The other day I was in the park watching an old man feed the birds

After a while I thought to myself: “I wonder how long he’s been dead?”

Want to join my flat earth society group?

It has millions of people from all around the globe in it.

Society: Be yourself.

Also society: No, not in that way.

The even numbers blamed the division of their society on 2

They claimed it was a factor

I'm sick of the violent society today.

For example, a complete stranger came up to me and said "Hey mate, do you want decking?". Thankfully I'm pretty handy myself and I smacked him one first, but it shouldn't have been necessary.

Also I'm now barred from the garden centre.

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Homosexuality should not be accepted in a civilized society.

It is an abomination. "sexuality" has a Latin root and "homo" is Greek. Really the word should be ideosexuality!

What’s black and completely useless to society?

Decaf coffee... obviously.

I tried to join a Jewish society but they didn't let me in

I guess I just didn't make the cut

I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.

My parents did.

Joined the Tourettes Society today ...

It only took a minute to swear me in

What's white on top and black on the bottom?

Society.

"Welcome to the Voyeurs With Telescopes society...."

"... Where we'll see you coming a mile away!"

In an American history discussion group, a professor is trying to explain how society’s idea of beauty changes with time.

“For example,” he says, “the winner of the Miss America pageant in 1921 stood five foot one, weighed only 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”



The class was silent until one woman comments, “She’d lose for sure.”...

MI5, CIA and FSB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest

MI5 forms a task group of twelve agent and proceeds to set up surveillance and monitor the inhabitants of the forest 24/7. They also buy information on the rabbit from several forest critters. After three months, MI5 abandons the search and concludes that the rabbit does not exist.


CIA ro...

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I didn’t know what to wear to my Premature Ejaculation Society meeting...

So I just came in my pants.

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What do you call a patriarchal authoritarian society?

A dicktatorship

How do we call a process of introducing press to society?

Oppression

Little Johnny has an assignment from school to describe society and how it works. (Long)

Now, being a little kid he had no idea what to do, so he asked his dad for help. His dad said “ OK, so first think of me as the President, your mum as the Congress, the maid as the workforce and your baby brother as the future. Now see what happens and write that up.”

So Johnny did this and f...

Coming in 2019: a new interactive Netflix experience that shows what happens to society when all crimes are legal, and the entire thing is available live streaming. The series you can't miss, it's...

Binging and Purging

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

Join the flat earth society! We don’t discriminate, because...

We have members all around the globe.

Yes. Flat earth is truly a global movement with a great “sphere” of influence.

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So I've been invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society's annual awards dinner. When I asked them what the dress code was...

They told me just to come in my pants.

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There was once a really smart bee.

Ever since he was little, he had always wanted more than the simple, boring lives led by his fellow bees. After a few years, he left his job, his hive, and his family behind, in search of a better life.
He flew for hours until he came to a small Virginia town, on the edge of a forest. He landed, ...

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A society of Froot Loops

So there's a society of Froot Loops in every box. There's the bottom, filled with all the broken, mashed up Loops, the middle class, which are a mix of good and bad Loops, and then there's the upper class, the 1 per cent of Froot Loops.



One day, two Loops from the bottom class decide ...

So there was this society where everybody was born really weak.

The more wealth you had, either through actual money or possessions, the more you would reach your maximum power percentage. Most people had around a 50% power percentage, parents would give some of their belongings to their kids at birth so they would be strong enough to walk, but people who went a...

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculatio...

Last night, I met some university students having a social event for the Frisbee society

But there wasn't much to discuss.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf and Dumb Society.

All are intent on making an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first, and to the surprise of his colleagues, starts by rubbing first his chest, and then his groin. When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

“Well,” he explained, “by rubbing my chest ...

Basketball players are the most upstanding members of society

They really are people to look up to.

How do introverts feel within society?

[removed]

Here’s a joke: the Flat Earth Society

The earth is obviously a donut

I asked someone at the Vegan society dinner "do you always include a vegetable in every sentence you say?

they said "not nessicelery"

They're having a holiday party for the Erectile Dysfunction Society.

Nobody can come.

Q: Why doesn’t our democratic society permit a man to have 2 wives?

A: Because our laws protect us against cruel and unusual punishment.

I have managed to become a member of the National Secrecy Society.

I can’t tell you how much this means to me.

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An older couple were exploring art museum...

...when they came across a painting that they didn't quite understand. It appeared to be three naked black men sitting on a bench, the one in the middle had a white penis. This made the couple ponder for a while.

What was the message? Was it a commentary on racism? Perhaps an insight into cla...

A Rabbi investigated an alien race

On the first expedition to Mars, humans find an alien race called Trids.

Wanting to observe this newfound race, each nation sends a human as their representative to Mars to join their society.

Israel decided to send a prominent Rabbi to the Trids. When he arrives he immediately starts ...

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The Pope visits Alabama and sees two white guys pulling a black guy out of a river on a rope.

The pope orders the pope-mobile to stop and he gets out to praise the two guys for such an act of kindness and for breaking down racial boundaries in this modern society. He blesses the two men and says he will see them in heaven.
 

Cletus turns to Bobby Joe and asks *“who the fu...

The wind turbine society

We're not a fan club!

The Saudi Society at my uni had a social....

It must have been fun as half my journalism class haven’t been back since

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A graduate student in psychology

A psychology graduate student working at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate the mental condition of three patients in a local mental institution and assess their possibilities for reintegration into society.

The facility was well funded and nicer than the student ex...

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Two alcoholics are drinking at a bar

It's Tuesday, and they've been there the day before as well.

One of them asks

"George, what are we doing here?"

"I don't know Robert, maybe it's because we made the wrong choice when we were young, maybe we got too involved in drinking and not enough in studying, and know it's t...

Sometimes I want to leave society, live in the woods, and contemplate existence...

But I know that would be Thoreauing away my life.

My French mate doesn't believe that eggs are ovoid...

...he's a member of the flat oeuf society

What's the difference between a social norm and a social more?

When you have an informal understanding that governs the behavior of members of a society, that a norm.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a more.

You are what you eat

Nice try, Cannibal Society of America!

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A very cold winter!

It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter w...

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A priest decides to do some community work.

After considering where he should travel to do this work, he decides to travel to the Nigerian desert and assist the farmers working there.

After several weeks providing physical labour to the farmers he asks if there is a more effective way to help them. The farmer replied to him "Father, it...

The Alzheimer’s Support Society chant...

What do we want?

We don’t know!

When do we want it?

What?

Have you heard of the secret society of math teachers?

It's called The Order of Operations.

What kind of car does the president of the palindrome society own?

A Toyota

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft

Today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

My teacher talks all the time about tolerance of others: "Tolerance is the key to a peaceful society." So I heeded her advice and gradually became more tolerant.

Then I overdosed.

The Flat Earth Society held it's annual conference in Antarctica this year...

... but attendance fell off.

A blonde went to a ventriloquist show....

And the ventriloquist kept making blonde jokes. As the evening progressed the blonde got madder and madder until she couldn’t take it any more.

She stood up and yelled at the ventriloquist.

“Listen, I am sick and tired of the blonde jokes. I am an attorney in a successful law firm. I...

Flat earthers are so close to the truth, but there are some obvious discrepancies . I've finally solved it...

Welcome to the Pringle Earth Society...and remember, once you see, you can't disagree.

An electrician went to the buzzfeed headquarters,

He was asked to come because a power box was malfunctioning, He went to the reception and told them that he was there to fix the problem ,he was told to wait a minute . So he sat down at the reception. He saw that most of the people working there were in their twenties. He then wondered how advanced...

I was just reading about a guy who was arrested for a hate crime in the U.K. for suggesting that people with fare skin complexions are responsible for the degeneration of society.

That's a little beyond the pale.

A man and a woman get admitted to a psych ward at the same time...

They always hang around together, wordlessly, just holding each other's hands and everyone assumes they're in love. One beautiful evening the man and the woman take a walk to the pool and the man lets go of the woman's hand and jumps into the pool, she jumps into the pool and saves him heroically wh...

We live in a progressive society.

Everyone is getting progressively stupider.

I hate the blacks.

#I have an absolute hatred for blacks.

They've contributed *nothing* to our society as a whole, and our lives would be **that** much better without them, becoming the general idea of a nuisance whenever I come across one.

If I were to take a small sample containing even 1 black, it wo...

A career change can happen quickly in today's society.

For example, there once was a dentist who became a brain surgeon within a matter of seconds.

All it took was for his drill to slip.

A boy tells his father, "I can't wait until I contribute to society!"

Father: "So you don't want to be a part of it?"

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION:You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.


You are ...

This PC society is getting out of hand

You can't even say "black paint" anymore. Now you have to say "Jamal, could you paint that wall please?"

A guy decides he’s had enough of society and moves wayyy up north...

He finds a tiny cabin out in the middle of nowhere, about 30 miles from a small town.

He sets up his place and goes into town to buy provisions. As he’s closing the sale, he asks the shopkeeper of the general store/cafe’ if there are, by any chance, any women in town:

“Nope! No women...

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