I am sick of this Chinese-made virus destroying society!

Tik-Tok has got to go!

The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members.

I've already put myself down.

The Flat Earth Society

Has members all around the globe

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Reintegration into society

Psycho the rapist becomes Psychotherapist.

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society...

I would have a small loan of a million dollars.

Why is society fighting to eliminate the word 'black'?

It's cheaper than equal opportunity.

What secret society would Santa never be a part of?

The Illuminaughty

I can't believe this society

Everyone always asks me "Where are the hostages?", never, "How are the hostages?"

Members of the Flat Earth Society are having a particularly rough time during the pandemic.

They say the 6 ft social distancing measures are pushing many of them over the edge.

People are getting upset about the implications of a "cashless society".

I'm not sure what they're worried about I've been cashless for years.

The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

Got offered a job today worth $80,000 with benefits working for the Brittle Bone Society.

Nearly snapped his hand off.

In a society of crows,

All unsolved crimes are murder mysteries.

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What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash?

You get what you fucking deserve! *BANG*

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I didn't know what to wear to my pre-ejaculation society meeting

So I came in my pants.

I'm all ready to blow the lid on nepotism in today's society!

Had some trouble interesting a publisher, but my uncle reckons he can have a word in the right ears.

(EDIT: This was the third time I tried this. The first two got auto-modded, possibly for "self-promotion")

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits fo their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

Donald Trump and Michael Pence are having a race from the roof of a very tall building. They both decide to jump down, as it’s the fastest way down. Who wins?

Society

Armed robbers. Some say they're a drain on society.

But you've got to give it to them...

The society finally woke up

even saw the homeless in the parks vaccinate themselves!

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Why does the law society expressly prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

... To prevent the possibility of clients being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What's the difference between capitalism and socialism?

In a capitalist society, man exploits man,  and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.

I've been nominated for president of the flat-earth society.

Not sure if I should feel flattered or if this is going to have a flipside.

What phrase is 5 words long, makes you a part of a secretly hated society, is as infective as a virus and stays in your memory forever, but is only mentioned on occasion?

“I just lost the game”

I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.

Apparently, I went too far.

Why doesn’t our democratic society permit a man to have 2 wives?

Q: Why doesn’t our democratic society permit a man to have 2 wives?
A: Because our laws protect us against cruel and unusual punishment.

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It's appalling how society treats people who don't like butter.

Margarinalized.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

There are three types of people in society.

Those who can count.
And those who cant.

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It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the memb...

Hear about the Cheese Secret Society trying to take over the world?

Hallouminati confirmed.

The perfect AI

Some many years into the future...

Scientist : Yessss!!!! After years of work, I have finally created the perfect AI humanoid. This robot has its own brain and can think and do exactly like a human being. Can't wait to try it out.

He switches humanoid on and thinks of a challenging t...

The testicular cancer society called me and said, “Did you get our email?” I said No.

They said, “Then you better check your junk.”

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American society is best summarized by Christmas time

People who buy a bunch of shit while being surrounded by snowflakes.

Whenever I see a bus with a woman driver, I smile and I think how far the society has gone.

Then waited to take the next one.

It would be ironic if a movie about The Flat Earth Society...

Wins the Golden Globe award.

How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

What do you call a town where everyone smokes pot?

High society.

I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.

My parents did.

"The Chairman of the Red Cross Society of China had been kidnapped. The kidnapper demands for 10mil or he will burn the Chair alive with gasoline. How much are you willing to help?"

A guy in Wuhan replied: "Maybe 10 gallon."

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I'm sick of the violent society today.

Picture this: I'm there minding my own business when this scruffy kid comes up and says "Hey mister, you want decking or something?". Cheeky twat, I smacked him one straight away but I shouldn't have to, know what I mean?

Also apparently I'm now "banned from the garden centre" or some such bu...

I feel like people who write things online under fake accounts are insecure and can’t handle the pressure of having society see who they really are

-Anonymous

If a crime is committed often enough, it eventually just becomes a norm, and society eventually learns to accept and forgive it.

So anyway, I'm gonna need all you guys to start collecting dog skulls. Don't ask why.

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My buddy Norman was a great guy, but he was obsessive about power poles.

True story. My buddy Norman had mental issues.

He used to go around with a slingshot, shooting stones at the insulators on power poles. The police would pick him up, hold him overnight, then let him go in the morning. He would eventually find a new slingshot, then go right back to shooti...

No one knowingly joins a patriarchal society.

They get grandfathered in.

What’s black and completely useless to society?

Decaf coffee... obviously.

A little boy was walking down a road.

A policeman comes up to him and asks him whether he has seen a thief running away.
The little boy says, "Go along this road, and you will come upon and intersection of four roads.
Go along the fourth road, and you will find four wide alleys.
Go in the fourth alley and you will come acros...

Below is an ad that appeared in The Atalanta Journal.

Single black female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips; cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of ...

How do introverts feel within society?

[removed]

I just joined a new wine appreciation society.

We meet in the park at 9am most days.

Society: Be yourself.

Also society: No, not in that way.

I'm appalled that the quadriplegic society won't allow me to run in their presidential election

I won't stand for it!

The even numbers blamed the division of their society on 2

They claimed it was a factor

I tried to join a Jewish society but they didn't let me in

I guess I just didn't make the cut

I don’t get people who hate farm animals.

Horses, for example, are the glue of this society!

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I was invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society’s Dinner.

I asked what the dress code was and they just said to come in my pants.

The one about the mental patients and the baseball game

There once was a doctor at a mental hospital, who had to take care of the craziest and most mentally unstable patients in the hospital, which they called the "nuts." The doctor, along with his assistant, would soon get through a breakthrough by giving them simple orders and addressing them as "nuts....

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My sister is becoming a real jerk

With everything that's been happening in society, my sister Sharon has become a real jerk. The other day she intentionally sneezed on some produce at the grocery store. And just yesterday she called the police on a black guy who was minding his own business. I asked my mom, "why is Sharon being s...

Google Doodles

Four people are sitting at a bar. A native American, a trucker, a business woman, and a google employee walks up to these people, and asks them:

“Do any of you know of an important problem facing our society? If so, then we can make a doodle of it and put it on our search homepage to raise aw...

The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought

The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.

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What do you call a patriarchal authoritarian society?

A dicktatorship

We live in such an uncaring society. The other day I was in the park watching an old man feed the birds

After a while I thought to myself: “I wonder how long he’s been dead?”

In an American history discussion group, a professor is trying to explain how society’s idea of beauty changes with time.

“For example,” he says, “the winner of the Miss America pageant in 1921 stood five foot one, weighed only 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”



The class was silent until one woman comments, “She’d lose for sure.”...

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So John can't take it anymore, so abandons society and makes to the hills.

He's happy as months go by. One day, a large, gruff looking Hill-Billy type man knocks on his door. "The name is Lars" he said. "I'm having a party tonight... wanna come?"

John: "well... I've been alone for months now, I like it but I do get lonely... Sure, I'll come"

Lars: nod. "Just ...

So there was this society where everybody was born really weak.

The more wealth you had, either through actual money or possessions, the more you would reach your maximum power percentage. Most people had around a 50% power percentage, parents would give some of their belongings to their kids at birth so they would be strong enough to walk, but people who went a...

American discovery mapping error (with the right to offend)

The Spanish Cartography Society summoned their voyaging artist, Amerigo Vespucci, to explain what his purported maps of India depicted instead of the standard, approved reality.

AV famously stated, "Um.. err.. I ca.."

Joined the Tourettes Society today ...

It only took a minute to swear me in

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An Englishman ,a Scotsman and an Irishman are all going to give speeches to the Deaf Society and are keen to make an impression on their audience…

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.

When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well…" he explained, "By rubbing my chest, I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing m...

"Welcome to the Voyeurs With Telescopes society...."

"... Where we'll see you coming a mile away!"

Little Johnny has an assignment from school to describe society and how it works. (Long)

Now, being a little kid he had no idea what to do, so he asked his dad for help. His dad said “ OK, so first think of me as the President, your mum as the Congress, the maid as the workforce and your baby brother as the future. Now see what happens and write that up.”

So Johnny did this and f...

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.


Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The cu...

Society is full of double standards

For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half naked, singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"

But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".

I asked someone at the Vegan society dinner "do you always include a vegetable in every sentence you say?

they said "not nessicelery"

Basketball players are the most upstanding members of society

They really are people to look up to.

Coming in 2019: a new interactive Netflix experience that shows what happens to society when all crimes are legal, and the entire thing is available live streaming. The series you can't miss, it's...

Binging and Purging

Here’s a joke: the Flat Earth Society

The earth is obviously a donut

I have managed to become a member of the National Secrecy Society.

I can’t tell you how much this means to me.

Why do we live in a society where pizza arrives faster than police do?

Because the pizza guy has consequences for not doing his job correctly.

"Oh damn, shots fired!"

But not by the pizza guy.

How do we call a process of introducing press to society?

Oppression

Last night, I met some university students having a social event for the Frisbee society

But there wasn't much to discuss.

They're having a holiday party for the Erectile Dysfunction Society.

Nobody can come.

Have you heard of the secret society of math teachers?

It's called The Order of Operations.

The Saudi Society at my uni had a social....

It must have been fun as half my journalism class haven’t been back since

Are we as a society going to reject clickbait journalism?

The answer may surprise you!

The Alzheimer’s Support Society chant...

What do we want?

We don’t know!

When do we want it?

What?

We live in a progressive society.

Everyone is getting progressively stupider.

Homeless people are the most persistent activists in society.

Not a single day goes by without them asking for change!

Why do kids like summer vacation so much?

It's the only time they will ever get to experience a classless society

The wind turbine society

We're not a fan club!

A society without plates

Would be pure dishtopia

What kind of car does the president of the palindrome society own?

A Toyota

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