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Dave decides he's had it with society, and buys some land in the middle of nowhere in Canada......

.... he builds himself an awesome log house, gets a great garden going, and is basically self-sustaining.
After several years, he hears a knock on his door.
With hesitation, he opens the door to find a big ol' Grizzly Adams-looking dude standing there.
"Howdy neighbor!" he says. "...

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I had an argument with my friend. She thinks the reason we men make so many more sexist remarks about women than the other way around is because in our patriarchal society men need to claim their superiority to women all the time.

I think it is because we are just better at it.

Q: What do you call the advice given by an idiot not fit to live in polite society?

A: A Q-tip

The British Flat Earth society opened a branch in the US

It is called Apartment Earth Society.

What do you call a bleak future society in which people are forced by the state to trim hedges into decorative shapes?

A dystopiary!

The International Flat Earth Society Annual Conference was going to be held on Zoom this year.

Unfortunately they all agreed on the same start time.

The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members.

I've already put myself down.

Members of the Flat Earth Society are having a particularly rough time during the pandemic.

They say the 6 ft social distancing measures are pushing many of them over the edge.

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Why does the law society expressly prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

... To prevent the possibility of clients being billed twice for essentially the same service.

I reported my discovery of a new Dwarf Star to the Astronomy Society, so they let me name it.

I am gonna call it Peter Twinklage.

What do landlords contribute to society?

A great source of protein

The Flat-Earth Society is now recruiting new members...

We have chapters all around the world.

I am sick of this Chinese-made virus destroying society!

Tik-Tok has got to go!

The psychologist and psychiatrist society says talking to plants and pots during the pandemic is perfectly normal...

Seek help, if they start talking back...

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A scientist finds a time machine…

A scientist finds a time machine, and thinking quickly, decides to travel back in time to Ancient Rome with as much modern technology as he can gather in order to advance society thousands of years.

First, he grabs a laptop computer, then a television, and a cell phone. Having these, he deci...

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Man bought a gun.

A few days later, the man goes to his therapist for a regular check-up.

Therapist: "why did you buy a gun? Do you feel unsafe in society or...?"

Man: "I got a gun because of my bird phobia"

Therapist: "I think you might be getting carried away"

Man: *firing into the ceili...

What secret society would Santa never be a part of?

The Illuminaughty

I can't believe this society

Everyone always asks me "Where are the hostages?", never, "How are the hostages?"

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

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People say it’s frowned upon in society to talk poorly about the Jews..

They say its bad Jew Jew.

A society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now". It seems she's having a dinner party that night and her maid quit.

The guy in the agency explains that all the girls he has right now have just gotten off the boat from Ireland.
They're untrained. The lady says she'll train the girl but needs someone right away.

The agency guy asks for volunteers and Molly comes forward. She agrees to go and be trained....

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar

They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. ...

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What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash?

You get what you fucking deserve! *BANG*

National Sarcasm Society

Like we need your support...

Why is society fighting to eliminate the word 'black'?

It's cheaper than equal opportunity.

People are getting upset about the implications of a "cashless society".

I'm not sure what they're worried about I've been cashless for years.

In a society of crows,

All unsolved crimes are murder mysteries.

The society finally woke up

even saw the homeless in the parks vaccinate themselves!

What phrase is 5 words long, makes you a part of a secretly hated society, is as infective as a virus and stays in your memory forever, but is only mentioned on occasion?

“I just lost the game”

Why doesn’t our democratic society permit a man to have 2 wives?

Q: Why doesn’t our democratic society permit a man to have 2 wives?
A: Because our laws protect us against cruel and unusual punishment.

Guess which type of society is the happiest?

Nomads.

If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society...

I would have a small loan of a million dollars.

I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.

My parents did.

Got offered a job today worth $80,000 with benefits working for the Brittle Bone Society.

Nearly snapped his hand off.

What do you call a group of royal stoner?

High society!

I'm all ready to blow the lid on nepotism in today's society!

Had some trouble interesting a publisher, but my uncle reckons he can have a word in the right ears.

(EDIT: This was the third time I tried this. The first two got auto-modded, possibly for "self-promotion")

Armed robbers. Some say they're a drain on society.

But you've got to give it to them...

The Alien Visitors

The Alien space craft landed and was met by dignitaries from all nations.

The Ambassador from another galaxy approached the podium and began his speech. He had an odd western accent to his voice as he said. "Humans of earth ; we have been monitoring your transmissions for some time, and some ...

The testicular cancer society called me and said, “Did you get our email?” I said No.

They said, “Then you better check your junk.”

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I didn't know what to wear to my pre-ejaculation society meeting

So I came in my pants.

What is the difference between a capitalist society and a socialist one?

In a capitalist society, man exploits man. In a socialist one, it's the other way around.

I’ve just joined the Flat Earth Society.

We have members around the globe. (credit https://thejokecafe.com )

I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.

Apparently, I went too far.

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It's appalling how society treats people who don't like butter.

Margarinalized.

How do introverts feel within society?

[removed]

If a crime is committed often enough, it eventually just becomes a norm, and society eventually learns to accept and forgive it.

So anyway, I'm gonna need all you guys to start collecting dog skulls. Don't ask why.

Whenever I see a bus with a woman driver, I smile and I think how far the society has gone.

Then waited to take the next one.

I've been nominated for president of the flat-earth society.

Not sure if I should feel flattered or if this is going to have a flipside.

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A woman wishes to become a nun

A woman has had enough with society and declares her interest in becoming a nun.

The priest she's talking to says, "You're welcome to become a nun but you must take a vow of silence, only speaking two words every five years."

She agrees and goes on to become an exemplary nun.

...

There are three types of people in society.

Those who can count.
And those who cant.

Hear about the Cheese Secret Society trying to take over the world?

Hallouminati confirmed.

It would be ironic if a movie about The Flat Earth Society...

Wins the Golden Globe award.

What’s black and completely useless to society?

Decaf coffee... obviously.

This takes place in a society where everybody is born really weak.

The more wealth you have, either through actual money or possessions, the more you would reach your maximum Power Percentage or for short, PP. Most people had around a 50% power percentage, parents would give some of their belongings to their kids at birth so they would be strong enough to walk, but...

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A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. ...

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So John can't take it anymore, so abandons society and makes to the hills.

He's happy as months go by. One day, a large, gruff looking Hill-Billy type man knocks on his door. "The name is Lars" he said. "I'm having a party tonight... wanna come?"

John: "well... I've been alone for months now, I like it but I do get lonely... Sure, I'll come"

Lars: nod. "Just ...

I feel like people who write things online under fake accounts are insecure and can’t handle the pressure of having society see who they really are

-Anonymous

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American society is best summarized by Christmas time

People who buy a bunch of shit while being surrounded by snowflakes.

Society: Be yourself.

Also society: No, not in that way.

I just joined a new wine appreciation society.

We meet in the park at 9am most days.

Why do we live in a society where pizza arrives faster than police do?

Because the pizza guy has consequences for not doing his job correctly.

"Oh damn, shots fired!"

But not by the pizza guy.

The lone brunette in a family of blondes, Tamara, returns home from her first semester at university.

Her family was super excited to see her, especially her younger sister, Lisa. Tamara was the first person in the family to go to university and she had a million questions for her.

When they finally got some time alone, Lisa began peppering Tamara with questions.

“What was your favor...

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I'm sick of the violent society today.

Picture this: I'm there minding my own business when this scruffy kid comes up and says "Hey mister, you want decking or something?". Cheeky twat, I smacked him one straight away but I shouldn't have to, know what I mean?

Also apparently I'm now "banned from the garden centre" or some such bu...

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I was invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society’s Dinner.

I asked what the dress code was and they just said to come in my pants.

No one knowingly joins a patriarchal society.

They get grandfathered in.

I tried to join a Jewish society but they didn't let me in

I guess I just didn't make the cut

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An Englishman ,a Scotsman and an Irishman are all going to give speeches to the Deaf Society and are keen to make an impression on their audience…

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.

When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well…" he explained, "By rubbing my chest, I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing m...

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Guy talking to his mate Dave.

Guy: You still working as a part time comedienne Dave?

Dave: Yeah, I done a gig at the Alzheimer's society club,

they liked my first joke so much I told it again and again.

In fact I told it 25 times, this old bloke came up to me after

and said, I don't know how the fuck ...

The even numbers blamed the division of their society on 2

They claimed it was a factor

Society is full of double standards

For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half naked, singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"

But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".

In an American history discussion group, a professor is trying to explain how society’s idea of beauty changes with time.

“For example,” he says, “the winner of the Miss America pageant in 1921 stood five foot one, weighed only 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”



The class was silent until one woman comments, “She’d lose for sure.”...

Donald Trump and Michael Pence are having a race from the roof of a very tall building. They both decide to jump down, as it’s the fastest way down. Who wins?

Society

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What do you call a patriarchal authoritarian society?

A dicktatorship

We live in such an uncaring society. The other day I was in the park watching an old man feed the birds

After a while I thought to myself: “I wonder how long he’s been dead?”

Little Johnny has an assignment from school to describe society and how it works. (Long)

Now, being a little kid he had no idea what to do, so he asked his dad for help. His dad said “ OK, so first think of me as the President, your mum as the Congress, the maid as the workforce and your baby brother as the future. Now see what happens and write that up.”

So Johnny did this and f...

I asked someone at the Vegan society dinner "do you always include a vegetable in every sentence you say?

they said "not nessicelery"

I have managed to become a member of the National Secrecy Society.

I can’t tell you how much this means to me.

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The following add in the Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls

“Single female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.

I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play.

I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have ...

I'm appalled that the quadriplegic society won't allow me to run in their presidential election

I won't stand for it!

Joined the Tourettes Society today ...

It only took a minute to swear me in

"Welcome to the Voyeurs With Telescopes society...."

"... Where we'll see you coming a mile away!"

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I can tell we still live in a sexist society because...

Doctors still make more money than nurses.

Homeless people are the most persistent activists in society.

Not a single day goes by without them asking for change!

Coming in 2019: a new interactive Netflix experience that shows what happens to society when all crimes are legal, and the entire thing is available live streaming. The series you can't miss, it's...

Binging and Purging

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits fo their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

I hate how politically correct we have become as a society ...

You can't even say black paint anymore. Now you have to say, "Jamal kindly paint my house?"

How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

Have you heard of the secret society of math teachers?

It's called The Order of Operations.

Last night, I met some university students having a social event for the Frisbee society

But there wasn't much to discuss.

Here’s a joke: the Flat Earth Society

The earth is obviously a donut

How do we call a process of introducing press to society?

Oppression

A society without plates

Would be pure dishtopia

If karma was a currency, Reddit would be a capitalist society

But I've figured out how to make reddit into a communist society.

They just need to seize the memes of production.

We live in a progressive society.

Everyone is getting progressively stupider.

The Alzheimer’s Support Society chant...

What do we want?

We don’t know!

When do we want it?

What?

Why will the flat earth society never be popular?

Because they cant get the word a round.

Crime in elevators is disgusting and a huge problem for society

It's just wrong on so many levels

So this is society..

Muslim Shooter = entire religion guilty

Black Shooter = entire race guilty

White shooter = mentally troubled lone wolf

The Saudi Society at my uni had a social....

It must have been fun as half my journalism class haven’t been back since

They're having a holiday party for the Erectile Dysfunction Society.

Nobody can come.

How does Thor blend in to society without being noticed?

He keeps it Loki.

What kind of car does the president of the palindrome society own?

A Toyota

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