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What do you call a society of depressed people?

A melancholony.

M&M's Redesigns Its Characters' Looks and Personalities to Be 'Representative of Today's Society'

It's rumored the Yellow M&M is going trans and getting his nut removed.

In a libertarian society, would there be vending machines selling heroin on the sidewalk right outside of elementary schools?

Of course not! For starters, there wouldn't be any sidewalks.

So I heard about a secret society that wants to run the world...

...and force feed everybody cheese all the time.




They're called the Hallouminati

Hordes of foreigners who speak a different language are pouring into our country through the porous and badly defended border in the wilderness and they are going to cause our society to collapse.

I’m starting to think Rome should do something about those Germans.

The cost of joining the Roman Numeral Society was exactly $499

They wouldn't let me in because I didn't have ID...

As Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger had to attend many high society functions. One such function was a fund raiser which featured a symphony orchestra playing a medley of pieces by famous composers.

Arnie, as is well known, has only one preference when it comes to classical composers, but sat patiently during the performance.

There were selections by Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, Tchaikovsky and more.

The Governor began to get quite perturbed when, after over an hour and half, his favo...

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Girls are shaving their pussy these days and hipsters are growing beards

So the amount of hair in society is still the same...just on different cunts.

Credit: Jimmy Carr

Drains on society

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, this past election year has really got me thinking. Did you know 4 million of these people enter our country each year? They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hard-working Americans and the government ...

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A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. ...

I never expected Facebook to own the whole "cancer on society" thing.

But they're really Meta-stasizing!

The British Flat Earth society opened a branch in the US

It is called Apartment Earth Society.

Two men and a blonde are the next 3 up on death row

The warden approaches the first man and asks him which way he would like to go. “The firing squad, electric chair, or hanging?” The man thinks about what the best way to go would be and after some thing he chooses the chair. After being brought into the room, the operator flips the switch and after ...

What is the difference between Capitalism and Socialism?

In a capitalist society, man exploits man and in a socialist one, it's the other way around.

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Dave decides he's had it with society, and buys some land in the middle of nowhere in Canada......

.... he builds himself an awesome log house, gets a great garden going, and is basically self-sustaining.
After several years, he hears a knock on his door.
With hesitation, he opens the door to find a big ol' Grizzly Adams-looking dude standing there.
"Howdy neighbor!" he says. "...

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Guy talking to his mate Dave.

Guy: You still working as a part time comedian Dave?

Dave: Yeah, I done a gig at the Alzheimer's society club,

they liked my first joke so much I told it again and again.

In fact I told it 25 times, this old bloke came up to me after

and said, I don't know how the fuck yo...

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I had an argument with my friend. She thinks the reason we men make so many more sexist remarks about women than the other way around is because in our patriarchal society men need to claim their superiority to women all the time.

I think it is because we are just better at it.

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A man rubbed a lamp and an elegant genie exited from the lamp

The genie said, “You have released me from my bronze prison, you may now ask me three wishes of your liking”

The man, a clever one indeed, said, “I wish for infinite wishes.”

The genie responded with, “I am afraid that is against the rules.”

The man said, “I thought you could do...

Members of the Flat Earth Society are having a particularly rough time during the pandemic.

They say the 6 ft social distancing measures are pushing many of them over the edge.

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

Groucho Marx upon learning about the skinhead hazing requirement of the bald-headed society…

‘I refuse to belong to any club that would shave me as a member’

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'Even in today's enlightened society, there remains a stigma to being a psycho-sexual sadist'

RIP Norm

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A Gentleman Is Walking Down The Street With A Duck

On the way he runs into a friend of his. The friend inquires about why he's holding the duck. To which the man replies:

"I know I have to get rid of it, but I love this duck. I'd have to trade it to someone who wants it and I just can't see myself letting it go for nothing. This is absolutely...

Damn boy, are you a bra?

Because you make me uncomfortable but society has brainwashed me into thinking I need you.

Q: What do you call the advice given by an idiot not fit to live in polite society?

A: A Q-tip

If ever society collapses and we resort to cannibalism...

Vegans meat will be the most expensive because they’re grass fed.

I am sick of this Chinese-made virus destroying society!

Tik-Tok has got to go!

What do you call a bleak future society in which people are forced by the state to trim hedges into decorative shapes?

A dystopiary!

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members.

I've already put myself down.

The International Flat Earth Society Annual Conference was going to be held on Zoom this year.

Unfortunately they all agreed on the same start time.

The Flat-Earth Society is now recruiting new members...

We have chapters all around the world.

What do landlords contribute to society?

A great source of protein

Greta Thunberg should really mention this sub Reddit in her next public speech

This sub has achieved almost 100% recycling rate for the jokes, perfect example of how a sustainable society should be.

I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.

My parents did.

I reported my discovery of a new Dwarf Star to the Astronomy Society, so they let me name it.

I am gonna call it Peter Twinklage.

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What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash?

You get what you fucking deserve! *BANG*

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A redditor is being investigated for tax fraud

So he goes to the IRS bar at the bank with his attorney little Johnny.

The tax bartender asks him "you have no marketable skills, how do you make so much money?"

The redditor responds "I tell jokes, want to hear one? If you guess the punch line I'll pay you $69, if not you'll owe me $...

The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

What secret society would Santa never be a part of?

The Illuminaughty

Why doesn’t our democratic society permit a man to have 2 wives?

Q: Why doesn’t our democratic society permit a man to have 2 wives?
A: Because our laws protect us against cruel and unusual punishment.

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People say it’s frowned upon in society to talk poorly about the Jews..

They say its bad Jew Jew.

The psychologist and psychiatrist society says talking to plants and pots during the pandemic is perfectly normal...

Seek help, if they start talking back...

A man with a clipboard walks up to a passer by on the high street.

“Excuse me sir, are you free to help with a survey I’m conducting?”

“Of course” says the man. “What’s it about?”

“My company is trying to survey what someone might like to hear as words of encouragement when they have indigestion. Please can you tell me what you would say to someone in...

Homeless guy asked if I could spare a dollar.

I looked in my wallet and there was only a $20, so I asked myself "Do I really want this money going to drugs, booze, and the decline of society?"

I decided I didn't so I gave it to him.

I’ve just joined the Flat Earth Society.

We have members around the globe. (credit https://thejokecafe.com )

4 People On A Plane

A politician, a teacher, a student and the pilot himself, were all flying in a plane.

Sometime later, the pilot made an announcement that both engines on the plane had failed and the only option was to jump out of the plane.

He further told them that there were only three parachute b...

How do introverts feel within society?

[removed]

People are getting upset about the implications of a "cashless society".

I'm not sure what they're worried about I've been cashless for years.

What phrase is 5 words long, makes you a part of a secretly hated society, is as infective as a virus and stays in your memory forever, but is only mentioned on occasion?

“I just lost the game”

The testicular cancer society called me and said, “Did you get our email?” I said No.

They said, “Then you better check your junk.”

The society finally woke up

even saw the homeless in the parks vaccinate themselves!

Guess which type of society is the happiest?

Nomads.

A society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now". It seems she's having a dinner party that night and her maid quit.

The guy in the agency explains that all the girls he has right now have just gotten off the boat from Ireland.
They're untrained. The lady says she'll train the girl but needs someone right away.

The agency guy asks for volunteers and Molly comes forward. She agrees to go and be trained....

If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society...

I would have a small loan of a million dollars.

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I didn't know what to wear to my Premature Ejaculation Society meeting...

So I just came in my pants.

Got offered a job today worth $80,000 with benefits working for the Brittle Bone Society.

Nearly snapped his hand off.

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So John can't take it anymore, so abandons society and makes to the hills.

He's happy as months go by. One day, a large, gruff looking Hill-Billy type man knocks on his door. "The name is Lars" he said. "I'm having a party tonight... wanna come?"

John: "well... I've been alone for months now, I like it but I do get lonely... Sure, I'll come"

Lars: nod. "Just ...

In a society of crows,

All unsolved crimes are murder mysteries.

Why do we live in a society where pizza arrives faster than police do?

Because the pizza guy has consequences for not doing his job correctly.

"Oh damn, shots fired!"

But not by the pizza guy.

If a crime is committed often enough, it eventually just becomes a norm, and society eventually learns to accept and forgive it.

So anyway, I'm gonna need all you guys to start collecting dog skulls. Don't ask why.

Whenever I see a bus with a woman driver, I smile and I think how far the society has gone.

Then waited to take the next one.

I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.

Apparently, I went too far.

What’s black and completely useless to society?

Decaf coffee... obviously.

I'm all ready to blow the lid on nepotism in today's society!

Had some trouble interesting a publisher, but my uncle reckons he can have a word in the right ears.

(EDIT: This was the third time I tried this. The first two got auto-modded, possibly for "self-promotion")

What do you call a male Oyster?

A Boyster.

What do you call an Alpha male Oyster?

Boysterous.

What do you call an Oyster who lives in a society?

The Joyster.

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It's appalling how society treats people who don't like butter.

Margarinalized.

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I was invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society’s Dinner.

I asked what the dress code was and they just said to come in my pants.

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An Englishman ,a Scotsman and an Irishman are all going to give speeches to the Deaf Society and are keen to make an impression on their audience…

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.

When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well…" he explained, "By rubbing my chest, I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing m...

There are three types of people in society.

Those who can count.
And those who cant.

Society is full of double standards

For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half naked, singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"

But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".

I feel like people who write things online under fake accounts are insecure and can’t handle the pressure of having society see who they really are

-Anonymous

Society: Be yourself.

Also society: No, not in that way.

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American society is best summarized by Christmas time

People who buy a bunch of shit while being surrounded by snowflakes.

It would be ironic if a movie about The Flat Earth Society...

Wins the Golden Globe award.

Recently, a race of bird people and a society of necromancers has gone to war.

It's the Knight owls Vs the Mourning people

I tried to join a Jewish society but they didn't let me in

I guess I just didn't make the cut

This takes place in a society where everybody is born really weak.

The more wealth you have, either through actual money or possessions, the more you would reach your maximum Power Percentage or for short, PP. Most people had around a 50% power percentage, parents would give some of their belongings to their kids at birth so they would be strong enough to walk, but...

No one knowingly joins a patriarchal society.

They get grandfathered in.

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I'm sick of the violent society today.

Picture this: I'm there minding my own business when this scruffy kid comes up and says "Hey mister, you want decking or something?". Cheeky twat, I smacked him one straight away but I shouldn't have to, know what I mean?

Also apparently I'm now "banned from the garden centre" or some such bu...

The even numbers blamed the division of their society on 2

They claimed it was a factor

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What do you call a patriarchal authoritarian society?

A dicktatorship

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I can tell we still live in a sexist society because...

Doctors still make more money than nurses.

In an American history discussion group, a professor is trying to explain how society’s idea of beauty changes with time.

“For example,” he says, “the winner of the Miss America pageant in 1921 stood five foot one, weighed only 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”



The class was silent until one woman comments, “She’d lose for sure.”...

Armed robbers; some say they're a drain on society.

But you've got to give it to them.

I just joined a new wine appreciation society.

We meet in the park at 9am most days.

The Paradox Association has fragmented due to internal conflicts.

Many members have subsequently joined The Irony Society, but leaders of both organizations have issued statements clarifying that simultaneous membership remains an unresolved issue.

Here's an old one.

I cant remember where I got this one from but here it is.

This man wants to reconnect with nature and disconnect from society for awhile. So he drives to his uncle's cabin in the woods. The uncle has no electricity, no phone or internet. The man thinks it's the perfect get away.
The firs...

I hate how politically correct we have become as a society ...

You can't even say black paint anymore. Now you have to say, "Jamal kindly paint my house?"

A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar

They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. ...

I asked someone at the Vegan society dinner "do you always include a vegetable in every sentence you say?

they said "not nessicelery"

I'm appalled that the quadriplegic society won't allow me to run in their presidential election

I won't stand for it!

Homeless people are the most persistent activists in society.

Not a single day goes by without them asking for change!

Little Johnny has an assignment from school to describe society and how it works. (Long)

Now, being a little kid he had no idea what to do, so he asked his dad for help. His dad said “ OK, so first think of me as the President, your mum as the Congress, the maid as the workforce and your baby brother as the future. Now see what happens and write that up.”

So Johnny did this and f...

A society without plates

Would be pure dishtopia

If karma was a currency, Reddit would be a capitalist society

But I've figured out how to make reddit into a communist society.

They just need to seize the memes of production.

We live in such an uncaring society. The other day I was in the park watching an old man feed the birds

After a while I thought to myself: “I wonder how long he’s been dead?”

Why will the flat earth society never be popular?

Because they cant get the word a round.

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Man bought a gun.

A few days later, the man goes to his therapist for a regular check-up.

Therapist: "why did you buy a gun? Do you feel unsafe in society or...?"

Man: "I got a gun because of my bird phobia"

Therapist: "I think you might be getting carried away"

Man: *firing into the ceili...

We live in a progressive society.

Everyone is getting progressively stupider.

Joined the Tourettes Society today ...

It only took a minute to swear me in

So this is society..

Muslim Shooter = entire religion guilty

Black Shooter = entire race guilty

White shooter = mentally troubled lone wolf

I have managed to become a member of the National Secrecy Society.

I can’t tell you how much this means to me.

Here’s a joke: the Flat Earth Society

The earth is obviously a donut

"Welcome to the Voyeurs With Telescopes society...."

"... Where we'll see you coming a mile away!"

How does Thor blend in to society without being noticed?

He keeps it Loki.

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A psychologist was invited into a mental hospital to conduct tests...

... and when he arrived, he declares that the best way to assess mental health is by examining how the patients treat a defenseless living thing.

He then explains his test. He would hand out three rabbits to patients in isolation and begin observation.

He hands a rabbit to Ralph.
...

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