UPJOKE
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I've been buying birthday cards for everyone at our local Tourette's Society.

It's the thought that cunts.

I saw a sign that said: "Society for asking stupid questions".

A man walked up and asked: "Excuse me, is this the society for asking stupid questions?"

M&M's Redesigns Its Characters' Looks and Personalities to Be 'Representative of Today's Society'

It's rumored the Yellow M&M is going trans and getting his nut removed.

The Flat Earth society have made a new documentary....

.....which has been nominated for the Golden Globe award.

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Johnny lives in a society...

Johnny asks his dad how a country runs. His dad thinks and replies, ‘Well, it’s like this. I earn the money in the house, so I’m the rich. Your mom takes care of running the home, so she is the government. The maid is the working class, and your baby brother is the future. And finally you Johnn...

What do you call a society of depressed people?

A melancholony.

Today convinced me that society isn't deteriorating as much as we think.

I was on the bus at 6am and this really generous guy offered me a sip from his half-empty whiskey bottle.

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Is this winter gonna be cold?

The Indians on the Aamjiwnaang First Nation reservation in Grand Bend asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was go...

The erectile dysfunction society held a championship fund-raiser the other week...

...But no one made it past the semi-finals

Something ain't right with society when schoolgirls are dressing like hookers....

.....and hookers are dressing like schoolgirls !!

So I heard about a secret society that wants to run the world...

...and force feed everybody cheese all the time.




They're called the Hallouminati

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Guy talking to his mate Dave.

Guy: You still working as a part time comedian Dave?

Dave: Yeah, I done a gig at the Alzheimer's society club,

they liked my first joke so much I told it again and again.

In fact I told it 35 times, this old bloke came up to me after

and said, I don't know how the fuck yo...

Never ask a man his salary, a woman her age...

... or a billionaire what they contribute to society.

Hordes of foreigners who speak a different language are pouring into our country through the porous and badly defended border in the wilderness and they are going to cause our society to collapse.

I’m starting to think Rome should do something about those Germans.

As Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger had to attend many high society functions. One such function was a fund raiser which featured a symphony orchestra playing a medley of pieces by famous composers.

Arnie, as is well known, has only one preference when it comes to classical composers, but sat patiently during the performance.

There were selections by Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, Tchaikovsky and more.

The Governor began to get quite perturbed when, after over an hour and half, his favo...

Drains on society

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, this past election year has really got me thinking. Did you know 4 million of these people enter our country each year? They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hard-working Americans and the government ...

Members of the Flat Earth Society are having a particularly rough time during the pandemic.

They say the 6 ft social distancing measures are pushing many of them over the edge.

The cost of joining the Roman Numeral Society was exactly $499

They wouldn't let me in because I didn't have ID...

I heard we’re telling bad jokes, so here’s mine.

Long ago there lived a Cheerio in a small village beneath a giant mountain, which had a small town of its own on top.

This famous town was known for one thing, in this town, if you wait in line, you can receive anything that you want, but to reach it, you must climb the difficult mountain al...

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An anthropologist decides to study a particular Inuit tribe.

So he arranges to spend five years living among them. After about a year he hears talk of a secret society, but when he asks to join he's told no. Wanting to be thorough he persists, and eventually the tribal chief gives in. He tells the anthropologist "I have decided to allow you to join our societ...

The British Flat Earth society opened a branch in the US

It is called Apartment Earth Society.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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Dave decides he's had it with society, and buys some land in the middle of nowhere in Canada......

.... he builds himself an awesome log house, gets a great garden going, and is basically self-sustaining.
After several years, he hears a knock on his door.
With hesitation, he opens the door to find a big ol' Grizzly Adams-looking dude standing there.
"Howdy neighbor!" he says. "...

A jock and a rich kid walk into a bar

They bond over how easily they got into college and how little they'll contribute to society after they graduate.

I never expected Facebook to own the whole "cancer on society" thing.

But they're really Meta-stasizing!

If ever society collapses and we resort to cannibalism...

Vegans meat will be the most expensive because they’re grass fed.

I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.

My parents did.

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I had an argument with my friend. She thinks the reason we men make so many more sexist remarks about women than the other way around is because in our patriarchal society men need to claim their superiority to women all the time.

I think it is because we are just better at it.

The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members.

I've already put myself down.

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

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Why does the law society expressly prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

... To prevent the possibility of clients being billed twice for essentially the same service.

I am sick of this Chinese-made virus destroying society!

Tik-Tok has got to go!

Q: What do you call the advice given by an idiot not fit to live in polite society?

A: A Q-tip

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What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash?

You get what you fucking deserve! *BANG*

I had a racist Asian joke to share...

But this day and age, society just won't reddit go.

What is the difference between Capitalism and Socialism?

In a capitalist society, man exploits man and in a socialist one, it's the other way around.

What do you call a bleak future society in which people are forced by the state to trim hedges into decorative shapes?

A dystopiary!

The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

I’ve just joined the Flat Earth Society.

We have members around the globe. (credit https://thejokecafe.com )

The International Flat Earth Society Annual Conference was going to be held on Zoom this year.

Unfortunately they all agreed on the same start time.

How do introverts feel within society?

[removed]

Why doesn’t our democratic society permit a man to have 2 wives?

Q: Why doesn’t our democratic society permit a man to have 2 wives?
A: Because our laws protect us against cruel and unusual punishment.

The Flat-Earth Society is now recruiting new members...

We have chapters all around the world.

What do landlords contribute to society?

A great source of protein

Damn boy, are you a bra?

Because you make me uncomfortable but society has brainwashed me into thinking I need you.

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I didn't know what to wear to my Premature Ejaculation Society meeting...

So I just came in my pants.

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A Gentleman Is Walking Down The Street With A Duck

On the way he runs into a friend of his. The friend inquires about why he's holding the duck. To which the man replies:

"I know I have to get rid of it, but I love this duck. I'd have to trade it to someone who wants it and I just can't see myself letting it go for nothing. This is absolutely...

I reported my discovery of a new Dwarf Star to the Astronomy Society, so they let me name it.

I am gonna call it Peter Twinklage.

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chiropractors and police officers

What's the difference between a chiropractor and a police officer? One takes a crack at it and then the customer goes home, and the other takes a crack addict and throws him in jail for a very long time. But it's not all differences though. They both offer temporary relief with not much data to prov...

What phrase is 5 words long, makes you a part of a secretly hated society, is as infective as a virus and stays in your memory forever, but is only mentioned on occasion?

“I just lost the game”

What secret society would Santa never be a part of?

The Illuminaughty

The testicular cancer society called me and said, “Did you get our email?” I said No.

They said, “Then you better check your junk.”

People are getting upset about the implications of a "cashless society".

I'm not sure what they're worried about I've been cashless for years.

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People say it’s frowned upon in society to talk poorly about the Jews..

They say its bad Jew Jew.

The psychologist and psychiatrist society says talking to plants and pots during the pandemic is perfectly normal...

Seek help, if they start talking back...

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So John can't take it anymore, so abandons society and makes to the hills.

He's happy as months go by. One day, a large, gruff looking Hill-Billy type man knocks on his door. "The name is Lars" he said. "I'm having a party tonight... wanna come?"

John: "well... I've been alone for months now, I like it but I do get lonely... Sure, I'll come"

Lars: nod. "Just ...

A society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now". It seems she's having a dinner party that night and her maid quit.

The guy in the agency explains that all the girls he has right now have just gotten off the boat from Ireland.
They're untrained. The lady says she'll train the girl but needs someone right away.

The agency guy asks for volunteers and Molly comes forward. She agrees to go and be trained....

The society finally woke up

even saw the homeless in the parks vaccinate themselves!

Why do we live in a society where pizza arrives faster than police do?

Because the pizza guy has consequences for not doing his job correctly.

"Oh damn, shots fired!"

But not by the pizza guy.

Guess which type of society is the happiest?

Nomads.

If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society...

I would have a small loan of a million dollars.

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An Englishman ,a Scotsman and an Irishman are all going to give speeches to the Deaf Society and are keen to make an impression on their audience…

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.

When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well…" he explained, "By rubbing my chest, I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing m...

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I was invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society’s Dinner.

I asked what the dress code was and they just said to come in my pants.

What’s black and completely useless to society?

Decaf coffee... obviously.

Whenever I see a bus with a woman driver, I smile and I think how far the society has gone.

Then waited to take the next one.

Got offered a job today worth $80,000 with benefits working for the Brittle Bone Society.

Nearly snapped his hand off.

National Sarcasm Society

Like we need your support...

In a society of crows,

All unsolved crimes are murder mysteries.

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A man rubbed a lamp and an elegant genie exited from the lamp

The genie said, “You have released me from my bronze prison, you may now ask me three wishes of your liking”

The man, a clever one indeed, said, “I wish for infinite wishes.”

The genie responded with, “I am afraid that is against the rules.”

The man said, “I thought you could do...

If a crime is committed often enough, it eventually just becomes a norm, and society eventually learns to accept and forgive it.

So anyway, I'm gonna need all you guys to start collecting dog skulls. Don't ask why.

Two men and a blonde are the next 3 up on death row

The warden approaches the first man and asks him which way he would like to go. “The firing squad, electric chair, or hanging?” The man thinks about what the best way to go would be and after some thing he chooses the chair. After being brought into the room, the operator flips the switch and after ...

I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.

Apparently, I went too far.

The internet has improved equality

We used to have a very mail-dominated society.

Society is full of double standards

For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half naked, singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"

But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".

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It's appalling how society treats people who don't like butter.

Margarinalized.

I'm all ready to blow the lid on nepotism in today's society!

Had some trouble interesting a publisher, but my uncle reckons he can have a word in the right ears.

(EDIT: This was the third time I tried this. The first two got auto-modded, possibly for "self-promotion")

I tried to join a Jewish society but they didn't let me in

I guess I just didn't make the cut

There are three types of people in society.

Those who can count.
And those who cant.

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I can tell we still live in a sexist society because...

Doctors still make more money than nurses.

I feel like people who write things online under fake accounts are insecure and can’t handle the pressure of having society see who they really are

-Anonymous

Society: Be yourself.

Also society: No, not in that way.

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American society is best summarized by Christmas time

People who buy a bunch of shit while being surrounded by snowflakes.

Greta Thunberg should really mention this sub Reddit in her next public speech

This sub has achieved almost 100% recycling rate for the jokes, perfect example of how a sustainable society should be.

Excessive consumption of heavy metal causes cancer and is ruining society

Especially lead. Lead in the water pipes is a big problem.

So there was this society where everybody was born really weak.

The more wealth you had, either through actual money or possessions, the more you would reach your maximum power percentage. Most people had around a 50% power percentage, parents would give some of their belongings to their kids at birth so they would be strong enough to walk, but people who went a...

No one knowingly joins a patriarchal society.

They get grandfathered in.

The even numbers blamed the division of their society on 2

They claimed it was a factor

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What do you call a patriarchal authoritarian society?

A dicktatorship

I hate how politically correct we have become as a society ...

You can't even say black paint anymore. Now you have to say, "Jamal kindly paint my house?"

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A redditor is being investigated for tax fraud

So he goes to the IRS bar at the bank with his attorney little Johnny.

The tax bartender asks him "you have no marketable skills, how do you make so much money?"

The redditor responds "I tell jokes, want to hear one? If you guess the punch line I'll pay you $69, if not you'll owe me $...

Homeless guy asked if I could spare a dollar.

I looked in my wallet and there was only a $20, so I asked myself "Do I really want this money going to drugs, booze, and the decline of society?"

I decided I didn't so I gave it to him.

In an American history discussion group, a professor is trying to explain how society’s idea of beauty changes with time.

“For example,” he says, “the winner of the Miss America pageant in 1921 stood five foot one, weighed only 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”



The class was silent until one woman comments, “She’d lose for sure.”...

Homeless people are the most persistent activists in society.

Not a single day goes by without them asking for change!

I asked someone at the Vegan society dinner "do you always include a vegetable in every sentence you say?

they said "not nessicelery"

A society without plates

Would be pure dishtopia

Why will the flat earth society never be popular?

Because they cant get the word a round.

If karma was a currency, Reddit would be a capitalist society

But I've figured out how to make reddit into a communist society.

They just need to seize the memes of production.

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Big Chief , Dirty Bum

A Chieftain living in a Tribe makes his way to modern Society to get help from a Doctor as he has been constipated for weeks and hasn't even been able to fartt... Finally gets to the doctor.

Chieftain: "Big Chief , No fart"...

Doctor: "I understand take this very potent 1 inch pill and...

So this is society..

Muslim Shooter = entire religion guilty

Black Shooter = entire race guilty

White shooter = mentally troubled lone wolf

Armed robbers; some say they're a drain on society.

But you've got to give it to them.

I'm sick of the violent society today.

For example, a complete stranger came up to me and said "Hey mate, do you want decking?". Thankfully I'm pretty handy myself and I smacked him one first, but it shouldn't have been necessary.

Also I'm now barred from the garden centre.

Little Johnny has an assignment from school to describe society and how it works. (Long)

Now, being a little kid he had no idea what to do, so he asked his dad for help. His dad said “ OK, so first think of me as the President, your mum as the Congress, the maid as the workforce and your baby brother as the future. Now see what happens and write that up.”

So Johnny did this and f...

I'm appalled that the quadriplegic society won't allow me to run in their presidential election

I won't stand for it!

Here’s a joke: the Flat Earth Society

The earth is obviously a donut

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