Name one career where on-the-job training is not ideal.

Skydiving instructor

What's a monk's ideal pet?

A chipm*o*nk!

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Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Edit: Yes, yes MILLIONS. I wasn't sure if those sources were true or not when I posted.

Also, the spam from the Trump people is great. I feel like I'm on the *real*...

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.



Right at the back of the farm there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer decides to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn’t been dow...

A few months ago, a time traveller ran up to someone and shouts "I need you to say the 9th letter of the alphabet and the German founder of the philosophical doctrine of transcendental idealism, or the world will fall into chaos!"

...I Kant

Sometimes I think books can teach me about transcendental idealism.

Other times I think a manual can't.

What's the ideal set up to watch acclaimed movies while stuck at home from Corona?

A Tent in Quarantino

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I have the ideal female body, "thicc" ass, huge tits and i am smart too.

Sadly i am a man.

Courtesy of The Legendary Ken M; The ideal superpower is invisibility...

Because it allows you to keep an unseen lookout for perverts in the women's locker room.

My ideal woman is a single mum

Or at least she will be after I’m gone


Credit: Originally a Jimmy Carr joke

My ideal job would be cleaning mirrors.

Yup... I could see myself doing that.

People keep telling me that ancient statues of people are idealized to make the person look better.

I guess you could say their features are chiseled.

My ideal girl is like my ideal car.

The newer the better.

A dude went to the hospital and asked the doc:

Dude: judging by my weight, what's my ideal height doc?

Doc: 20 feet.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician spend the night in the same hotel.

At midnight, the engineer is awakened by the smell of smoke. He takes a step down the hall and sees a small fire. Thinking fast, he dumps his wastebasket, fills it with water, and puts out the flames. Satisfied, he goes back to bed.

Later on, the physicist is also awakened by the smell of sm...

TIL There's a brief quiz that can predict your favorite wine. Take the quiz to see your ideal wine match.

1) What is your favorite wine?

What is the ideal weight for an ex-wife?

About 3 pounds including the urn.

In a videogame movie, what do you call your ideal set of actors?

Your dreamcast

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A rat an an elephant are walking around when the rat falls into a hole.

The rat panics as the hole was deep and he couldnt get out. The elephant looks at the situation and offers help.

“I know this isnt’t ideal but youre gonna have to trust me”

The rat desperate and exhausting all other options he asks for the elephants idea

“Im gonna stick my pen...

The Ladder To Success

A man died and awoken in an empty plain. There was nothing but a ladder in front of him and nothing else in sight, so he started climbing. After a minute or so, he reaches a hatch, he opens it and there is lying a middle age woman. She said "Come lie with me or keep climbing to success". The man wit...

I realized today I reached my ideal weight years ago.......

I just haven't reached my ideal height of 7'6" yet.

Why couldn't Obi-Wan calculate the volume of Bespin from the ideal gas law?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes

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Do you have any to speak of?

So, there was once a man named Frank who lived in South Florida, and his life was virtually ideal. He had a beautiful wife and two kids, lived in a very nice home on the intracoastal waterway, and had a very successful yacht sales business. However, he had one problem that had plagued him his whole ...

I’ve got a new job as a croupier.

Which is ideal...

Story with a moral

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out t...

There was a deep sea fisherman

That accidentally caught an eagle porpoise - a rare species of porpoise (though not endangered) that inhabits the waters off Southern Mexico to Peru (ie, the Pacific coast). This species has a down-turned snout ideal for catching bottom-dwelling mollusks (octopi and squid) that inhabit the reefs and...

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A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor…

… to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint.

“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “is there anything you can do for me?”

The doctor replies, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do.  But, I do know this witch who ...

I love making puns about ‘The Sound of Music’

It's really my ideal vice.

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A guy with a 25 inch penis asked to God ...

Guy: My penis is too long. I can't live life like this.

God: Go to the pond near your home and ask the frog there to marry you. You'll lose 5 inches of your penis if she says "NO"

Guy proposed to the frog and she said "No". He lost 5 inches. He tried it again and he lost ...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching an American street performer perform juggling. The juggler notices the four gentleman don’t have an ideal view, so he stands up on a wooden crate and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes"

"Oui"

"S...

My flirtatious neighbor called me and said that she bought too many zucchinis and ended up making two cheese and zucchini pies. She said I was welcome to come over and take one, and she also had some left over herbs that I could have.

So I went over, and she told she had just finished reading a Cosmo article called "which traffic sign are you?"



"Which traffic sign would your ideal woman be?" she asked me seductively.



I said " Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with I just want your extra t...

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[Religion] If you're religious this is not for you. The setup is completely fictional. Please don't get offended.

The catholic church would have you believe that Jesus Christ was one single person while, actually they were a set of twins - Jesus and Christ. It was through this that Jesus came back to life, Christ was crucified and Jesus made a religion by apparently coming back to life.
Christ was a...

I bought my girlfriend a book called 'Cheap and Easy Vegan Cooking'.

It's ideal for her because not only is she vegan...

Dating is a lot like Blackjack:

While 21 is the ideal, with 14 or below you are definitely gonna hit it.

( inspired by a joke by u/thomasswaggyt_ )

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The boy with the 25 inches long penis ...

The boy with the 25 inches long penis decided that he had had way too much. He was now fed up of being the subject of constant jokes of his friends, relatives and many-a-times, complete strangers.

There was a time when he was proud of his unusually long penis, thinking of it as an indicat...

Ladies, you can tell a lot about a man by how dogs react to him.

For example, if a police K9 is bitting him, he may not be ideal.

A submarine is following its course, when the alarm goes off...

Everyone starts panicking, except for James. He is known for being the funniest among the recruits and he always lights up the mood, even in critical situations.

"What is going on?" he asks.

"We are about to crash, you imbecile! Go help Smith, quick!"

"Wanna hear a funny j...

Talk with God

God: you'll be alive for 70-80 years ideally

Man: great! I'll make the most of it!

God: you will be unconscious for 1/3 of your time alive

Man: uh...

God : *leans in* that'll be your favourite part

An existentialist, a nihilist, and an absurdist are baking cookies,

They've been at it for hours trying recipe after recipe, but they just can't get it right. Nothing they make tastes as good as they hope.

Eventually, the existentialist throws his hands up in despair. "Maybe we're going about this all wrong. Maybe we just need to accept that taste is subjecti...

No matter how hard I try, I always seem to be going round in circles.

Having a broken arm while in a wheelchair isn’t ideal.

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming. Each was devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they differed greatly on how it was to be found. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all of its feathers! The brothers decided that this would be an ideal t...

A 13 year old boy is getting braces

The young boy is self conscious about the entire ideal. The Orthodontist asks him what color he would like.

Boy: Is clear an option?

Orthodontist: Unfortunately no.

Boy: I don't want it to be obvious, so I think I'll stick with white.

Orthodontist: So it blends with your ...

Sheila shows up to work one day, in tears and looking for comfort.

The only person in the office that morning is John, not ideal, but Sheila carries on anyway. She relays her story to him:

"I left for work this morning, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. W...

Benny the Bare Faced Viking

Benny was your typical Viking..
Strong, tall, courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one..
See Benny couldn't grow a beard, for all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.
This bothered Benny, because when he was out pillag...

Is it easy to get a job at a restaurant?

I don’t have a lot of work experience, so ideally I’d be looking for an entree-level position.

A man writing in his diary:

I am an ideal man. I don't smoke, drink, or go to night clubs. I have always been loyal to my wife and don't flirt with strange women. I sleep at eight o'clock and wake up early. I exercise daily and work regular hours. But all this will change as soon as I get out of prison.

Trouble reading white names

have a hard time reading white names.


















Ideally, you should write names in black or another darker color, white just blends into the paper.

A modernist, materialist, and postmodernist decide to drive to a bar.

The modernist looks over the menu, and decides that he doesn’t want anything on there, instead proceeding to describe his ideal drink to the bartender.

The bartender was clearly annoyed by this, but wrote down the order anyway. After the bartender was done, the materialist asked “how much doe...

Yo mama is so classless...

Yo mama is so classless that Marx thinks she's an ideal society.

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Monkey Business On A Bus

This guy has a monkey and he wants to go down to Florida for spring break, so him and his monkey get on this Greyhound bus and head down. On the way there's a terrible crash. The bus drives off the road and everyone on board dies. It's a horrible bloodbath with body parts scattered everywhere. E...

One engine on a plane is failing...

So the pilot comes over the speaker and says 'Unfortunately the plane won't be able to handle all of the passengers without crashing. We will have to start removing passengers from the plane giving them parachutes and pushing them out until we reach our ideal flying weight. We will choose people alp...

Dark Humour is like a child with cancer

They aren't needed in an ideal society.

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Who is this?

An old Russian Jew, left behind decades ago when the rest of the family fled to Israel, had finally been granted permission to leave by the Soviet government. But not without a few last indignities. When he arrived at the airport, his luggage was confiscated and thoroughly searched in front of him. ...

The 5 stages of Election Day

The 5 stages of presidential election ending.
1) Denial(while results are being tallied) - this isn't happening. No this can't be.

2) Anger (after the results are in) - the words described are not repeatable and may not be suitable for young children.

3) Bargaining (a few hours a...

What do a gallon of milk and the city of Carthage have in common?

Ideally you only have to sack them once, but we should probably sack them again for good measure.

A mental health facility offers supervised hobbies for its patients.

They have access to painting, exercise, a small library, cooking, all sorts of stuff.

When they paint, they are often instructed to paint their mood, or something they would like to see or do when they are released. Some paint melancholy things, dark with depressive imagery and muted colors. ...

While creating husbands, God promised....

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world...............then He made the earth round, and laughed and laughed and laughed.

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Joining the church...

A newly married couple move to their dream home in a small village. They are not particularly religious, however they think that joining the church would be an ideal way to meet the locals and be able to join in a little with the community.

So they go to the church to ask the Vicar about join...

"For this entry level position, we're looking for..."

"Someone with the wisdom of a 50-year old

The experience of a 40-year old

The ambition of a 30-year old

The energy of a 20-year old

And who, ideally, is willing to work for free."

Spanish/English Joke(s)

I am attending a wedding this weekend. I am gearing up on jokes (sick ones, family ones, racist ones, etc). My best friend's girlfriend primary language is Spanish, but she speaks very good English (not perfect, but pretty damn good). Anywho, I am looking at reddit to help me out with a good Spanish...

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Golfer and the Leprechaun

One day, a man was golfing when he hit his ball into the woods. When he went to retrieve it, he found that it had hit a small man in green tights. 
"I'm so sorry!" the man said. 
"Don't worry about it. Anyway, you caught me. I'm a leprechaun and you have managed to stop me. You get three wishe...

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A classic. No doubt you've seen it before, but here goes:

In Heaven, there is the ideal citizen of the world:

He has the MANNERS of the Englishman, and the SEX APPEAL of the Spaniard.
He has the HUMOUR of the Irishman, and the BRAIN of the German.
He has the STYLE of the Italian, and the COURAGE of the Scotsman.
He has the MUSCLES of th...

A Vampire died and was in the process of being reincarnated...

They asked him, "What would you like to have in your next lifetime?"

"Drinking blood is good but I don't like hunting, ideally I'd like to have a easy supply of fresh blood."
"Alright."

"I also like turning into a bat and flying, so let me retain wings.", he said.
"Noted."
...

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