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I just started a diet. Here's a recap of Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house

It was delicious

Living in LA, I thought I had seen it all. Then the other day, I saw a location for a Superman-themed restaurant chain, specializing in diet stromboli and other Italian food, run by an area Muslim deer hunter.

It was my local SoCal low-cal all-elk halal "Kal-El's Calzone Zone" locale.

Bob and his wife started dieting a week ago

Bob and his wife started dieting a week ago.
His wife proposed that they should have cheat day today.
She bought home McDonald's burger, KFC wings and Bob brought home his secretary

Did you hear about the new squirrel diet?

It's just nuts.


this joke is brought to you by amazon for rating 6 of my recent purchases, have a nice day.

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My wife and I started a new high fiber diet.

After the 2nd day she asked me how much I lost and I told her 8 lbs.

"You're full of shit!"

"No, thats why I lost 8 lbs."

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New Diet

So I’m at Walmart picking up a bag of dog food for my dog. Waiting in the long line the lady behind me strikes up a conversation. She asks if I have a dog, and I think, why else would I be carrying this big bag of dog food?
Then I said “No, I’m starting the dog food diet again. Even though...

Diets are for those who are...

thick and tired of it.

If you live on the west coast of the USA right near the factory that makes diet pizza pockets, and you eat one

Then that is a local lo-cal Cal-zone calzone.

When I was a child my parents put me on the aeroplane diet.

To this day, I still cough up passengers.

Courtesy of my 7 year old - What happens if you don't eat a balanced diet?

You will tip over

Dear Diet Coke

Dear Diet Coke,

I feel like you are overreacting.

Sincerely,
Mentos

I love my vegetarian-only diet.

Lambs, Cows, Deers, Rabbits. They're all vegetarians and they're delicious!!

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My wife always cheats when shes dieting

She hides chocolate bars around the house and fucks other men...

Why did Ben Shapiro go on a diet?

To destroy the lbs.

My new diet and exercise program requires me to not eat for 24 hrs and maintain an erection

It’s a hard and fast rule

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I wasn't getting enough fiber in my diet until recently, so my stool was very loose.

Now I've got my shit together.

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What hurts the worst?

A very pregnant woman walks into a bar with her girlfriends and orders a diet coke. "Did you know that childbirth isn't nearly as painful as it is for a man to get kicked in the balls?" the bartender asks the woman. "What?" The woman exclaims. "How can you say that? You have no idea how much pain a ...

Why is the best diet, is to be in prison ?

Because you'll never get a weigh.

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Purina Dog Food diet

Yesterday, I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Chew-Barka, the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? Since I'm retired, with little to do, I told her that No, I didn't have a dog, and that...

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A fat man wants to lose weight...

A fat man is looking for a way to lose weight. He has already tried all kinds of slimming diets and fitness programs, but they didn't work for him. One day, he comes across an ad that says: "New revolutionary method - weight loss 100% guaranteed. Satisfied or your money back!"
He thinks: "Since ...

What does a turtle eat when he’s on a diet

Torto-llini

Well I've started a new diet…The Adam Ant diet.

Don't chew ever…don't chew ever.

Have you heard of the Michael Jackson diet?

You just have to start with the man in the mirror, and ask him to change his weighs.

I am doing a new Whiskey diet and it is working. So far I have lost

7 days

I had to give up my vegetarian diet.

Turns out they’re a lot harder to catch than cows.

The Dolly Parton Diet

A guy walks into a bar and orders a light beer. "How's your New Year's diet coming along?" the bartender asks. "It's going okay, but I'm not losing as much as my buddy Joe. He went on that new Dolly Parton diet," the guy says. "It's made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean."

My New Year’s Resolution is to switch to a vegan diet in 2022.

Luckily I just got covid, so I won’t notice any difference!

My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet and now...

Joe lean... Joe lean... Joe lean.. Joe Leeeeaaaaannn!

When the apocalypse starts, it's good to know that:

The meat of vegans comes from free-range farms fed a purely plant-based diet and is therefore completely free of various industrial antibiotics and growth hormones.

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The Man who could only Drink Milk

I know an old man who had lived a life full of adventure, but his health started to catch up with him. He'd run the Boston Marathon, was an avid surfer, and climbed Everest, but he'd started to have abdominal pains around his 85th birthday and went to see a doctor. Sadly, he ultimately was diagnosed...

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us...

What do they call a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, large fries, and a Diet Coke in France?

"The American Weight Loss Plan."

Jan goes to the doctor for a diet plan.

Jan is terribly overweight, so the doctor hands over a sheet of paper with a diet on it.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.

When Jan returns, The doctor's a...

What do vampires drink when they are on a diet?

Blood light

I've begun a new diet

It's a see-food diet.

If I see food, I eat it, but >!but only if it's of the fish variety!<

My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff!

It's enough to make a mango crazy.

There's a new company that's planning to feed cows a diet of cannabis mixed in with their food.

They claim that the relaxed cattle produce more milk, and tender meat. The issue is that the legal costs of this are through the roof, and even the best estimates are that they won't turn a profit until 2034. The steaks have never been higher.

Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?

It's just nuts.

What do you call an insect with a high fat diet?

A mosKeto!

I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today.

Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.

I am on a diet and my friend asked me how it's going

"Not good." I said. "I had eggs for breakfast."

"Fried?" He asked.

"Chocolate!" I replied

Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.

I wanted to go on a diet...

But I just have way too much on my plate right now...

I'm on a diet

Thats why I eat pound cake.

So I put my dog on a vegan diet

Don’t worry, I only feed him the finest vegans I can find

Went on a site claiming to offer the best diet programme...

The first thing it asked me is if I accept cookies!

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My porn star girlfriend is on this new diet.

She eats loads.

It feels like there is a new diet fad every other day

everyone is so concerned about trans fats but I think we should respect fat people and let them identify however they want

What does the Mandalorian say after he starts a new diet to gain more muscle?

This is the whey.

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New Year's Resolution: a diet!

So a wife buys her husband a scale to help him with his new year's resolution: to go on a diet.

A week later the husband says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out on my new diet!"

The wife says, "That's great; I ne...

My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.

Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.

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Wise words and thoughts.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tole...

I put my Dobermans on a vegan diet and I'm worried about their nutrition.

Between the five of them, they're getting through a vegan a week - am I overfeeding them?

I was at the supermarket the other day...

I was at the supermarket the other day, buying dog food. As I was standing in line for the cash register, there was a lady behind me asking me if I had a dog (beacuse why else would I be buying dog food, right?!) Anyway, my inner demon woke up, so I told the lady that I don't have a dog, but that I ...

I'm on a no seafood diet to lose weight

It's low crab.

Did you know that the consistency of a woman's menstrual fluid is varies greatly based on her diet?

It's a viscous cycle.

Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of his life, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which caused him to be rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a:

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Why did the mermaid stop dieting?

She was too fin.

Did you hear about that dude who started the mushroom diet? I hear hes a real fungi

this has probably been done but there is so mushroom here

I recently started an all vegetarian diet

The hardest part is catching them.

My idea of a balanced diet...

Is a beer in each hand.

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A lot of people don’t get enough fiber in their diet

Tough shit

I needed to lose some weight so I went on a 3 month diet plan. I don't want to brag, but...

...I just finished it in 72 hours.

I think about dieting sometimes...

It takes a lot of weight off my mind.

Dieting hasnt worked out for me, so Im gambling in the UK

Great way to lose a few pounds.

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My doctor put me on a strict vegan diet, but every Monday I’m allowed a cheat day

So I nip out and fuck his wife.

Today is the anniversary of the Diet of Worms

Another weight loss fad

I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet

Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.

The only diet I seem to be able to stick to is the one that just involves saying no to food.

"Is that enough chips for you?"

"No."

An ancient Chinese joke, at least a thousand years old.

A man visits his sick friend, and finds him to now be well and energetic. "How wonderful!", his friend says, "What happened?". "Dr. Chang is the cause of my health.", he says gratefully. "Dr. Chang, what did he do?". "Well, Dr. Li came and gave me a special diet. And I got sicker. Then Dr. Won...

Covid lockdown has me gaining weight so I started a new diet

Its called Two weeks to flatten Your curves

I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter.

I call it inter-mitten fasting.

Captain's log...

...has clogged the toilet again. He really needs a change of diet.

62-year old Walter was in Dr. Miller's exam room for his annual checkup...

As the exam came to a close the doctor asked if Walter had any other questions about his health.

"Well, Doc, I've gained a bit more weight in the midsection, y'see, and, uh, when I look down I...well..I can't see the ol' captain anymore, if you know what I mean. What do you recommend?"
...

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When I'm hungry but on a diet, I simply think of stuff like 2 Girls 1 Cup to stave off the hunger.

That way I'm far too horny to think about eating.

A blonde goes to the counter and in a very loud voice declares, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please!”

The lady behind the counter is astonished and says,” Ma’am, this is a library.”
The blonde apologizes and leans in close and says in a whisper, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please.”

My doctor said I should exercise on top of a healthy diet.

But surely a treadmill would make more sense?

What does a group of Italians say when they start a diet?

Ciao belli

There is only one diet I can recommend while pregnant.

The body builder diet

The doctor said I need to reduce the amount of protein in my diet.

I have to change the way I meatin'

My wife asked me if I was going to buy new pants now that my diet was done and I've finally reached my goal weight.

I told her I could never abandon them, they'd been with me through thick and thin.

Today marks 4 weeks of isolation. Been running 2.5 miles a day, drinking 2 gallons of water, cut out ALL meat, sugar, dairy and flour. I feel great! Zero alcohol, a healthy vegan diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 30 minute home workout each day.

I have no idea who originally posted this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy & paste!

A vegan, a person on a gluten-free diet, and a person who does Crossfit walk I to a bar.

I only know about that because none of them would shut up about it.

A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. He's negative for COVID, Ebola, Malaria, and pretty much all the recognizable infectious diseases.


The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone...

A man wakes up and finds himself alone in a hospital room.

He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering his situation, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.

A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got...

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Hitler's diet was the result of an inferiority complex

He was never going to be a true Aryan, but he could at least be vegetaryan.

I don’t mean to brag but I finished my 14 day diet

...in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

What diet is Steven Seagal on?

Aketo.

My diet plan has finally paid off! I have the body of a super hero now...

I have the body of Thor.

My girlfriend said being with me is like being on a diet.

I was touched at first and told her that I feel like being with her is a continual journey of self-improvement and striving to get to a better place too.

I felt a little worse after she explained that she only meant it in the sense that being with me is a perpetual struggle of self-denial mo...

I didn't cheat on my diet

I had an entanglement with a slice of cake

Great white shark diet surprises scientists

"It consists mostly of wildlife biologists that study sharks," said a famous wildife biologist studying sharks.

"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."

"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"

"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."

The David Cameron diet:

You'll never lose your pounds quicker.

I found this great new dieting plan that's sure to make you lose a lot of pounds

It's called Brexit

Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?

His name was Only One Cannoli.

You can lose weight by putting sliced bread on your head.

It's a loaf-hat-diet.

What is Xi Jinping's favourite way to lose unwanted weight?

An elimination diet

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A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes.

A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes. As she's trying on clothes, she proudly announces to the person at the fitting room "I'm buying new dresses because I just lost a bunch of weight, guess how much I weigh now!" The employee ...

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Why are Japanese people so obsessed with healthy diets?

It's because they never want to see another Fat Man in their lives.

What food is the most important part of the Awolnation diet?

KAAAAAALE!

What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet ?

A desserter.

If I had a dollar for every time my wife said she was going on a diet

I’d be able to buy her a treadmill she’d never use.

My Doctor sent me a message out of the blue saying I need to decrease the Sodium in my diet.

Confused that he would contact me by text, I sent back “K??”

He just sent back “Na”

Now I don’t know if I should or not.

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I’ve recently started an all-vegan diet and I’ve never been healthier!

Abducting them, killing them and digging holes to dispose of the remains has been great exercise.

The only problem is it’s become difficult to shut the fuck up telling everybody how much better I feel and how their diet is wrong and immoral.

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I'm trying to cut butter out of my diet...

...by a large margarine.

I used to eat a dozen doughnuts and hate myself. So I went on a diet, and I have made some real progress!

Now I hate myself after only one doughnut!

What a jamaican reccomends for a healthy diet

Everybaddi needs to eat a three fruits a day maan, an mi hav a way to learn while dem doin dat yaknow? Ya kyan always remember to eat dem fruits by remembering di presidents maan.





George Bush? Im be a banana man.





Barack Obama? Im apple.



<...

I thought about going on an all almond diet.

But thats just nuts!

I was gonna start a new diet tonight...

...but I have too much on my plate.

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A widowed mother of 3 is worried her children aren’t getting enough iron in their diet.

Not sure what to do, she mixes bb’s into their oatmeal. Later that day the first child comes running in the kitchen:

“Mama Mama - Guess what!?! I peed a bb!!”

“Oh, that’s good,” the mother assured, “that means you’re getting your iron.” And she gave the little tyke a cookie and sent ...

News: Doctors recommend Pizza and pancake diet for Covid-19 patients

And all other foods that can fit under the door.

An overweight businessman decided it was time to shed some excess weight. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic muffin. The office all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

“This is a very special muffin,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no ...

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