What do they call a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, large fries, and a Diet Coke in France?

"The American Weight Loss Plan."

My idea of a balanced diet...

Is a beer in each hand.

Why did Ben Shapiro go on a diet?

To destroy the lbs.

Due to health concerns, my doctor recommend I go on a strict vegetarian diet, and practice portion control.

I am happy to announce that I am down to one vegetarian a day, as they are surprisingly filling.

Went on a site claiming to offer the best diet programme...

The first thing it asked me is if I accept cookies!

So I put my dog on a vegan diet

Don’t worry, I only feed him the finest vegans I can find

A scientist was studying life extending properties through diet...

And realized he had the perfect formula for eternal life. He developed a special food formula which he fed to seagulls. Then he would feed their eggs to a pair of dolphins.

After 10 years on a diet of fortified seagull eggs, the dolphins hadn't aged a day. But there was one problem. Th...

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“W...

I'm on seafood diet

I see food and eat it

Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of his life, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which caused him to be rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a:

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I’m on a whiskey diet.

I’ve lost three days already.

Covid lockdown has me gaining weight so I started a new diet

Its called Two weeks to flatten Your curves

What does the Mandalorian say after he starts a new diet to gain more muscle?

This is the whey.

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The wife has put us on a low carb diet....

But it isn't all bad, Friday's is cheat day. So last week I fucked her sister.

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New Year's Resolution: a diet!

So a wife buys her husband a scale to help him with his new year's resolution: to go on a diet.

A week later the husband says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out on my new diet!"

The wife says, "That's great; I ne...

Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.

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A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...

It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!

Ohio man forgoes food for 46 day “Beer Diet”...

...Florida Man...it appears you have competition.

Diet Day 1...I've finally got rid of all the fattening food from the house.

It was fu***ng delicious.

Today is the anniversary of the Diet of Worms

Another weight loss fad

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A lot of people don’t get enough fiber in their diet

Tough shit

I put my Dobermans on a vegan diet and I'm worried about their nutrition.

Between the five of them, they're getting through a vegan a week - am I overfeeding them?

I think about dieting sometimes...

It takes a lot of weight off my mind.

I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter.

I call it inter-mitten fasting.

I'm on the miracle diet

If I lose any weight , it's a miracle.

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When I'm hungry but on a diet, I simply think of stuff like 2 Girls 1 Cup to stave off the hunger.

That way I'm far too horny to think about eating.

I needed to lose some weight so I went on a 3 month diet plan. I don't want to brag, but...

...I just finished it in 72 hours.

A blonde goes to the counter and in a very loud voice declares, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please!”

The lady behind the counter is astonished and says,” Ma’am, this is a library.”
The blonde apologizes and leans in close and says in a whisper, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please.”

Dieting hasnt worked out for me, so Im gambling in the UK

Great way to lose a few pounds.

There is only one diet I can recommend while pregnant.

The body builder diet

The doctor said I need to reduce the amount of protein in my diet.

I have to change the way I meatin'

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Hitler's diet was the result of an inferiority complex

He was never going to be a true Aryan, but he could at least be vegetaryan.

I recently started an all vegetarian diet

The hardest part is catching them.

I don’t mean to brag but I finished my 14 day diet

...in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

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Atti-la-lot

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

What diet is Steven Seagal on?

Aketo.

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds

He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally...

A woman drags her husband to the doctor,

He's been complaining for weeks about a sore stomach. The doc gives the man a full workover and deduces he is missing a vital enzyme mainly found in dog food. Reluctantly they agree to put him on the pet food diet to save his life.

A week later the doc sees her walking the street and asks how...

have you ever heard of the garlic and onions diet?

you eat garlic and onions only for a week, you don't get much thinner but people will stay far away from you so you seem smaller.

Library

So this guy walks into a library. He approaches the librarian and says: “I’ll have a double whopper, medium fries and a diet coke, please”.

The librarian looks puzzled and responds: “Erm, sir, you are aware that this is a library...?”

The man: *whispers* sorry, so that was a double wh...

Ray has just reached his 110th birthday. A reporter comes to his birthday party and says, “Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to be so old?” Ray replies, “It’s easy. The secret is never to argue with anyone.”

The reporter is not impressed. “That’s insane!” he says. “It has to be something else – diet, meditation, or ‘something.’ Just not arguing won’t keep you alive for 110 years!” Ray looks at the reporter and says, “Y’know, maybe you’re right.”

I didn't cheat on my diet

I had an entanglement with a slice of cake

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My doctor put me on a strict vegan diet, but every Monday I’m allowed a cheat day

So I nip out and fuck his wife.

The only diet I seem to be able to stick to is the one that just involves saying no to food.

"Is that enough chips for you?"

"No."

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A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes.

A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes. As she's trying on clothes, she proudly announces to the person at the fitting room "I'm buying new dresses because I just lost a bunch of weight, guess how much I weigh now!" The employee ...

I used to eat a dozen doughnuts and hate myself. So I went on a diet, and I have made some real progress!

Now I hate myself after only one doughnut!

I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet

Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.

"How's the diet going?" I asked my mate.

"Not good," he sighed. "I had 5 eggs for breakfast this morning."

"Oh dear," I replied. "Fried?"

"No," he said. "Cadburys!"

I thought about going on an all-almond diet

But that would be just nuts

My wife asked me if I was going to buy new pants now that my diet was done and I've finally reached my goal weight.

I told her I could never abandon them, they'd been with me through thick and thin.

My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.

Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.

What food is the most important part of the Awolnation diet?

KAAAAAALE!

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass!

I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

What do a diet and social distancing have in common?

Both flatten the curve.

A vegan, a person on a gluten-free diet, and a person who does Crossfit walk I to a bar.

I only know about that because none of them would shut up about it.

My wife said we should have a cheat day once a month while we are dieting...

Apparently it only involved food

I’m on the photon diet

Just a light meal here and there

I told my doctor I wanted to start a vegan keto diet.

She told me "that's nuts."

I was gonna start a new diet tonight...

...but I have too much on my plate.

When a physician was asked if his new diet of pizza and crepes for COVID-19 patients was working

He said, "I don't know, but that's the only food we can get under the door."

What does the body builder say to the regular person who shares their poor diet patterns?

I'm sorry you *fuel* that way

My doctor said I should exercise on top of a healthy diet.

But surely a treadmill would make more sense?

What do you call a member of the armed forces who abandons his diet?

A desserter.

My Doctor sent me a message out of the blue saying I need to decrease the Sodium in my diet.

Confused that he would contact me by text, I sent back “K??”

He just sent back “Na”

Now I don’t know if I should or not.

What a jamaican reccomends for a healthy diet

Everybaddi needs to eat a three fruits a day maan, an mi hav a way to learn while dem doin dat yaknow? Ya kyan always remember to eat dem fruits by remembering di presidents maan.





George Bush? Im be a banana man.





Barack Obama? Im apple.



<...

I got hit in the head with a Diet Pepsi yesterday.

Don't worry, it was a soft drink.

There's a new diet becoming popular in China

Gesun diet

My diet plan has finally paid off! I have the body of a super hero now...

I have the body of Thor.

I had to quit my vegetarian diet

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

Coronavirus patients start pizza and pancake diet

"It's all we can slide under the door!" Says doctor.

What does a group of Italians say when they start a diet?

Ciao belli

I found this great new dieting plan that's sure to make you lose a lot of pounds

It's called Brexit

Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?

His name was Only One Cannoli.

I started a new diet where you can sleep 20 hours a day...

It’s called, you Snooze you lose

A man who has been doing keto for five years cheats his diet at a party.

His friend, shocked, asked him if it was hard for him to do.
The man replied, "it was a piece of cake".

Guy who hasn't seen his Girlfriend since lock-down, phoned her.

Guy: Hi babe hows the diet going.?

Her: Not good, I had eggs for breakfast.

Guy: Scrambled.?

Her: No, Cadbury's.

My wife has asked me to help her with her diet after the big Christmas eats.

So I've hidden her teeth!

My girlfriend said being with me is like being on a diet.

I was touched at first and told her that I feel like being with her is a continual journey of self-improvement and striving to get to a better place too.

I felt a little worse after she explained that she only meant it in the sense that being with me is a perpetual struggle of self-denial mo...

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Fellow shoppers enthralled by new diet...

I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Sainsbury's and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the h...

Why did the A.I. with a diet for multicolored alphabets refuse to eat?

There was no gray V

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Yesterday when I got home from work I pointed my wife's hair dryer at my balls and turned it on. My wife asked, "What in the world are you doing?" I replied, "Warming up your dinner."

Unfortunately, I didn't realize she had just started a new diet.

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I’ve put my Rottweiler on a vegan diet.

So far, I’ve fed him three of the bastards.

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A Mom brings her son to the doctor because of his diet

Mom: please help doctor. He’s such a picky eater!

Doctor: what are his favorite foods?

Mom: he only eats one thing: rump roast steak between two sesame buns

The doctor pauses to think then says, “Yes I’ve seen this before...sounds like Ass Burgers.”

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A widowed mother of 3 is worried her children aren’t getting enough iron in their diet.

Not sure what to do, she mixes bb’s into their oatmeal. Later that day the first child comes running in the kitchen:

“Mama Mama - Guess what!?! I peed a bb!!”

“Oh, that’s good,” the mother assured, “that means you’re getting your iron.” And she gave the little tyke a cookie and sent ...

What do you call a Mexican body builder who doesn’t take diet supplements?

No Whey Jose!

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I’ve recently started an all-vegan diet and I’ve never been healthier!

Abducting them, killing them and digging holes to dispose of the remains has been great exercise.

The only problem is it’s become difficult to shut the fuck up telling everybody how much better I feel and how their diet is wrong and immoral.

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My diet pills weren't working, so I asked for a refund

I was denied, and was emailed a transcript of the TV commercial:

Butt weight, there's more!

Don't worry about straying from your diet today.

It's Tom Brady's cheat day, too.

These new diets are getting absolutely ridiculous

Today, some guy was telling me about the joys and benefits of self-cannibalizing. I've never heard anyone that was so full of themself.

I started a new diet; I eat fish for breakfast.

My wife doesn't like me talking about it.

My fat friend admitted that I was less in need of a diet than him.

I said "that's very big of you."

I'm trying out this new all-sugar diet.

It's pretty sweet.

I’m on a new seaweed diet

I sea weed, I smoke it

People on diets...

Are just finding their feet

If I had a dollar for every time my wife said she was going on a diet

I’d be able to buy her a treadmill she’d never use.

I went on a diet so I could wear a watch instead of a belt!

Total waist of time.

My new weight-loss diet has me eating people. I think it's working.

It simply tastes skinny.

A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach...

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