So I put my dog on a vegan diet

Don’t worry, I only feed him the finest vegans I can find

Went on a site claiming to offer the best diet programme...

The first thing it asked me is if I accept cookies!

I'm on seafood diet

I see food and eat it

I’m on a whiskey diet.

I’ve lost three days already.

Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of his life, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which caused him to be rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a:

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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The wife has put us on a low carb diet....

But it isn't all bad, Friday's is cheat day. So last week I fucked her sister.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“W...

Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.

I think about dieting sometimes...

It takes a lot of weight off my mind.

What does the Mandalorian say after he starts a new diet to gain more muscle?

This is the whey.

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New Year's Resolution: a diet!

So a wife buys her husband a scale to help him with his new year's resolution: to go on a diet.

A week later the husband says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out on my new diet!"

The wife says, "That's great; I ne...

My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...

It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!

Diet Day 1...I've finally got rid of all the fattening food from the house.

It was fu***ng delicious.

Today is the anniversary of the Diet of Worms

Another weight loss fad

I'm on the miracle diet

If I lose any weight , it's a miracle.

I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter.

I call it inter-mitten fasting.

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Hitler's diet was the result of an inferiority complex

He was never going to be a true Aryan, but he could at least be vegetaryan.

I put my Dobermans on a vegan diet and I'm worried about their nutrition.

Between the five of them, they're getting through a vegan a week - am I overfeeding them?

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A lot of people don’t get enough fiber in their diet

Tough shit

I recently started an all vegetarian diet

The hardest part is catching them.

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When I'm hungry but on a diet, I simply think of stuff like 2 Girls 1 Cup to stave off the hunger.

That way I'm far too horny to think about eating.

A blonde goes to the counter and in a very loud voice declares, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please!”

The lady behind the counter is astonished and says,” Ma’am, this is a library.”
The blonde apologizes and leans in close and says in a whisper, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please.”

Dieting hasnt worked out for me, so Im gambling in the UK

Great way to lose a few pounds.

I needed to lose some weight so I went on a 3 month diet plan. I don't want to brag, but...

...I just finished it in 72 hours.

There is only one diet I can recommend while pregnant.

The body builder diet

I don’t mean to brag but I finished my 14 day diet

...in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

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A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes.

A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes. As she's trying on clothes, she proudly announces to the person at the fitting room "I'm buying new dresses because I just lost a bunch of weight, guess how much I weigh now!" The employee ...

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A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

The doctor said I need to reduce the amount of protein in my diet.

I have to change the way I meatin'

What diet is Steven Seagal on?

Aketo.

Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious.

Now, we all know that Mahatma Gandhi didn't wear shoes when he walked, so he had rather large calluses on his feet. He also did not eat much, making him rather frail, and due to his diet, his breath was unpleasant, to say the least.

He was a super-callused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

The actor who played Like Skywalker went on a diet...

...and changed his name to Mark Hamill. Before he lost so much weight his name was Mark Hamilton.


---
(My kids laughed when I told them this joke. They have been watching the Hamilton musical. I asked if the show was about the actor who played Like Skywalker before his weight loss. ......

have you ever heard of the garlic and onions diet?

you eat garlic and onions only for a week, you don't get much thinner but people will stay far away from you so you seem smaller.

I didn't cheat on my diet

I had an entanglement with a slice of cake

Great white shark diet surprises scientists

"It consists mostly of wildlife biologists that study sharks," said a famous wildife biologist studying sharks.

The only diet I seem to be able to stick to is the one that just involves saying no to food.

"Is that enough chips for you?"

"No."

Guy who hasn't seen his Girlfriend since lock-down, phoned her.

Guy: Hi babe hows the diet going.?

Her: Not good, I had eggs for breakfast.

Guy: Scrambled.?

Her: No, Cadbury's.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet

But that would be just nuts

My wife asked me if I was going to buy new pants now that my diet was done and I've finally reached my goal weight.

I told her I could never abandon them, they'd been with me through thick and thin.

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My doctor put me on a strict vegan diet, but every Monday I’m allowed a cheat day

So I nip out and fuck his wife.

What food is the most important part of the Awolnation diet?

KAAAAAALE!

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Yesterday when I got home from work I pointed my wife's hair dryer at my balls and turned it on. My wife asked, "What in the world are you doing?" I replied, "Warming up your dinner."

Unfortunately, I didn't realize she had just started a new diet.

I used to eat a dozen doughnuts and hate myself. So I went on a diet, and I have made some real progress!

Now I hate myself after only one doughnut!

Dieting is really easy

As long as you're poor

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I tried telling my girlfriend to be mindful of her diet and that "you are what you eat".

She just started calling me an asshole.

My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.

Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.

I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet

Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass!

I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

What do a diet and social distancing have in common?

Both flatten the curve.

There’s two types of people who don’t like Easter. Type 1 People on diets and

Type 2 Diabetics. \~ *Gary Delaney*

"How's the diet going?" I asked my mate.

"Not good," he sighed. "I had 5 eggs for breakfast this morning."

"Oh dear," I replied. "Fried?"

"No," he said. "Cadburys!"

News: Doctors recommend Pizza and pancake diet for Covid-19 patients

And all other foods that can fit under the door.

When a physician was asked if his new diet of pizza and crepes for COVID-19 patients was working

He said, "I don't know, but that's the only food we can get under the door."

What does the body builder say to the regular person who shares their poor diet patterns?

I'm sorry you *fuel* that way

A vegan, a person on a gluten-free diet, and a person who does Crossfit walk I to a bar.

I only know about that because none of them would shut up about it.

An overweight businessman decided it was time to shed some excess weight. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic muffin. The office all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

“This is a very special muffin,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no ...

I was gonna start a new diet tonight...

...but I have too much on my plate.

My wife said we should have a cheat day once a month while we are dieting...

Apparently it only involved food

What do you call a member of the armed forces who abandons his diet?

A desserter.

A State Government Employee sits in his office, and out of boredom decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet

He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice-cold diet Pepsi right now!" POOF! A Pepsi appears before him ...

I told my doctor I wanted to start a vegan keto diet.

She told me "that's nuts."

My Doctor sent me a message out of the blue saying I need to decrease the Sodium in my diet.

Confused that he would contact me by text, I sent back “K??”

He just sent back “Na”

Now I don’t know if I should or not.

My doctor said I should exercise on top of a healthy diet.

But surely a treadmill would make more sense?

What a jamaican reccomends for a healthy diet

Everybaddi needs to eat a three fruits a day maan, an mi hav a way to learn while dem doin dat yaknow? Ya kyan always remember to eat dem fruits by remembering di presidents maan.





George Bush? Im be a banana man.





Barack Obama? Im apple.



<...

Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?

It wanted a balanced diet.

A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach...

A man who has been doing keto for five years cheats his diet at a party.

His friend, shocked, asked him if it was hard for him to do.
The man replied, "it was a piece of cake".

I got hit in the head with a Diet Pepsi yesterday.

Don't worry, it was a soft drink.

My diet plan has finally paid off! I have the body of a super hero now...

I have the body of Thor.

My wife has asked me to help her with her diet after the big Christmas eats.

So I've hidden her teeth!

The Germans are so innovative when it comes to diets.

Especially the gluten free diets. They’ve started a new initiative with their food. If something has gluten in it, they give it a guten tag.

I started a new diet where you can sleep 20 hours a day...

It’s called, you Snooze you lose

I found this great new dieting plan that's sure to make you lose a lot of pounds

It's called Brexit

I had to quit my vegetarian diet

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

Why did the A.I. with a diet for multicolored alphabets refuse to eat?

There was no gray V

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Fellow shoppers enthralled by new diet...

I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Sainsbury's and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the h...

What does a group of Italians say when they start a diet?

Ciao belli

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Hitler hires a new cook

Before taking up the job he is told there are 2 main requirements - Making good healthy food for the dictator and never interfering in his policies.

On his first day he finds out about all of Hitler's preferences, likes and dislikes. With all of that in mind he makes everything as expected e...

Fun Facts about ants

So as you may or may not know, ants have many breeds, but above these breeds, two general groups can be seen in ants around the world. These groups are the Macro ants (Big ants), and the Micro ants (Small ants).

Multiple different breeds of ants can be found in each of the two groups (Such ...

Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?

His name was Only One Cannoli.

I periodically see my doctor and our conversations go like this...

Doc: your diet isn't great. Don't you think you should try to easy off on the salt?

Me: Na

Doc: you really should. You might develop respiratory issues and have trouble breathing.

Me: O

Doc: and try eating more fruits. They'll give you more vitamins and minerals

Me...

My girlfriend said being with me is like being on a diet.

I was touched at first and told her that I feel like being with her is a continual journey of self-improvement and striving to get to a better place too.

I felt a little worse after she explained that she only meant it in the sense that being with me is a perpetual struggle of self-denial mo...

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A Mom brings her son to the doctor because of his diet

Mom: please help doctor. He’s such a picky eater!

Doctor: what are his favorite foods?

Mom: he only eats one thing: rump roast steak between two sesame buns

The doctor pauses to think then says, “Yes I’ve seen this before...sounds like Ass Burgers.”

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I’ve put my Rottweiler on a vegan diet.

So far, I’ve fed him three of the bastards.

What do you call a Mexican body builder who doesn’t take diet supplements?

No Whey Jose!

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My diet pills weren't working, so I asked for a refund

I was denied, and was emailed a transcript of the TV commercial:

Butt weight, there's more!

I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet"

It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!

(England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...)

My fat friend admitted that I was less in need of a diet than him.

I said "that's very big of you."

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A widowed mother of 3 is worried her children aren’t getting enough iron in their diet.

Not sure what to do, she mixes bb’s into their oatmeal. Later that day the first child comes running in the kitchen:

“Mama Mama - Guess what!?! I peed a bb!!”

“Oh, that’s good,” the mother assured, “that means you’re getting your iron.” And she gave the little tyke a cookie and sent ...

These new diets are getting absolutely ridiculous

Today, some guy was telling me about the joys and benefits of self-cannibalizing. I've never heard anyone that was so full of themself.

People on diets...

Are just finding their feet

I'm trying out this new all-sugar diet.

It's pretty sweet.

I went on a diet so I could wear a watch instead of a belt!

Total waist of time.

Don't worry about straying from your diet today.

It's Tom Brady's cheat day, too.

I started a new diet; I eat fish for breakfast.

My wife doesn't like me talking about it.

My new weight-loss diet has me eating people. I think it's working.

It simply tastes skinny.

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I’ve recently started an all-vegan diet and I’ve never been healthier!

Abducting them, killing them and digging holes to dispose of the remains has been great exercise.

The only problem is it’s become difficult to shut the fuck up telling everybody how much better I feel and how their diet is wrong and immoral.

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The best thing about being on a diet...

...is the cheat night where you can fuck your girlfriends best friend

I’m on a new seaweed diet

I sea weed, I smoke it

Tom Brady told me he's on a diet.

Well, he didn't actually say diet. He said Sundays are his cheat day, but I can read between the lines.

I’d like to start dieting...

But I’ve got too much on my plate.

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