Why did Ben Shapiro go on a diet?

To destroy the lbs.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?

It's just nuts.

My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff!

It's enough to make a mango crazy.

I’m on a whiskey diet.

I’ve lost three days already.

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My porn star girlfriend is on this new diet.

She eats loads.

I am on a diet and my friend asked me how it's going

"Not good." I said. "I had eggs for breakfast."

"Fried?" He asked.

"Chocolate!" I replied

Why did the mermaid stop dieting?

She was too fin.

What do they call a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, large fries, and a Diet Coke in France?

"The American Weight Loss Plan."

So I put my dog on a vegan diet

Don’t worry, I only feed him the finest vegans I can find

My friend Joe recently started the Dolly Parton Diet...

And to my surprise, it works! It ACTUALLY made Joe lean!

What do you call an insect with a high fat diet?

A mosKeto!

Did you hear about that dude who started the mushroom diet? I hear hes a real fungi

this has probably been done but there is so mushroom here

Did you know that the consistency of a woman's menstrual fluid is varies greatly based on her diet?

It's a viscous cycle.

I wanted to go on a diet...

But I just have way too much on my plate right now...

I'm on a diet

Thats why I eat pound cake.

Went on a site claiming to offer the best diet programme...

The first thing it asked me is if I accept cookies!

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New Year's Resolution: a diet!

So a wife buys her husband a scale to help him with his new year's resolution: to go on a diet.

A week later the husband says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out on my new diet!"

The wife says, "That's great; I ne...

A scientist was studying life extending properties through diet...

And realized he had the perfect formula for eternal life. He developed a special food formula which he fed to seagulls. Then he would feed their eggs to a pair of dolphins.

After 10 years on a diet of fortified seagull eggs, the dolphins hadn't aged a day. But there was one problem. Th...

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“W...

My idea of a balanced diet...

Is a beer in each hand.

What does the Mandalorian say after he starts a new diet to gain more muscle?

This is the whey.

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The wife has put us on a low carb diet....

But it isn't all bad, Friday's is cheat day. So last week I fucked her sister.

Covid lockdown has me gaining weight so I started a new diet

Its called Two weeks to flatten Your curves

I think about dieting sometimes...

It takes a lot of weight off my mind.

Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.

I'm on the miracle diet

If I lose any weight , it's a miracle.

I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter.

I call it inter-mitten fasting.

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A lot of people don’t get enough fiber in their diet

Tough shit

I put my Dobermans on a vegan diet and I'm worried about their nutrition.

Between the five of them, they're getting through a vegan a week - am I overfeeding them?

Today is the anniversary of the Diet of Worms

Another weight loss fad

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A jew, a black guy and a redneck are stranded on a desert island.

A jew, a black guy and a redneck are stranded on a desert island. They've been there for a few weeks, they're running out of food and their signal fire was extinguished by a freak storm.

Then one day, the jew returns to the others from scavenging and takes the various things he found out of a...

I recently started an all vegetarian diet

The hardest part is catching them.

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A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

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Hitler's diet was the result of an inferiority complex

He was never going to be a true Aryan, but he could at least be vegetaryan.

I needed to lose some weight so I went on a 3 month diet plan. I don't want to brag, but...

...I just finished it in 72 hours.

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When I'm hungry but on a diet, I simply think of stuff like 2 Girls 1 Cup to stave off the hunger.

That way I'm far too horny to think about eating.

Dieting hasnt worked out for me, so Im gambling in the UK

Great way to lose a few pounds.

A blonde goes to the counter and in a very loud voice declares, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please!”

The lady behind the counter is astonished and says,” Ma’am, this is a library.”
The blonde apologizes and leans in close and says in a whisper, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please.”

Vegans are a lot like vampires...

...always going on about their diet "blah, blah-blah"

Why do sharks eat underwater internet cables?

They were advised to have more fiber in their diet.

There is only one diet I can recommend while pregnant.

The body builder diet

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A semi-long joke. (Trying to be original.)

A horse walks into a Zaxby's, looking to quench its thirst, and trots up to the counter.

"I'd like a large diet coke please." Requests the horse politely.

The cashier looks bewildered but doesn't respond.

Thinking he wasn't heard, or perhaps the cashier was distracted, the horse...

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A morbidly obese man

visits his doctor.

“Doc,” he says, “I can’t stand being this fat anymore. Please help.”

“Alright, let’s get to work”, replies the doctor. After many months of diet and exercise, the man winds up loosing hundreds of pounds. An unfortunate side effect though is that he has all this loos...

The doctor said I need to reduce the amount of protein in my diet.

I have to change the way I meatin'

I don’t mean to brag but I finished my 14 day diet

...in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

What do vegan black holes say?

"I'm on a strictly planet based diet"

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Atilla and his Anaconda

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.



But his snake lost ...

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Two old men are about to get in the sauna at the health club

One of them says, “I’ve gotten so fat I can’t even see my dick anymore.” The other asks, “Why don’t you diet?” The first guy exclaims, “Dye it? Shit what color is it now?!”

My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.

Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.

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My doctor put me on a strict vegan diet, but every Monday I’m allowed a cheat day

So I nip out and fuck his wife.

have you ever heard of the garlic and onions diet?

you eat garlic and onions only for a week, you don't get much thinner but people will stay far away from you so you seem smaller.

Not fat, just short.

According to the BMI chart, at the doctors office, I don’t need to lose 25 pounds! I do need to grow about six inches but hey, it beats dieting!

Great white shark diet surprises scientists

"It consists mostly of wildlife biologists that study sharks," said a famous wildife biologist studying sharks.

Overweight guy goes to the doctor for some weight control help

Doctor gives him an Rx for 100 diet pills with the following instructions

Every morning, dump the pills all over the floor and bend down to pick them up, one at a time..

The only diet I seem to be able to stick to is the one that just involves saying no to food.

"Is that enough chips for you?"

"No."

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A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes.

A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes. As she's trying on clothes, she proudly announces to the person at the fitting room "I'm buying new dresses because I just lost a bunch of weight, guess how much I weigh now!" The employee ...

I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet

Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet

But that would be just nuts

I didn't cheat on my diet

I had an entanglement with a slice of cake

My wife asked me if I was going to buy new pants now that my diet was done and I've finally reached my goal weight.

I told her I could never abandon them, they'd been with me through thick and thin.

What food is the most important part of the Awolnation diet?

KAAAAAALE!

My doctor said I should exercise on top of a healthy diet.

But surely a treadmill would make more sense?

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass!

I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

A vegan, a person on a gluten-free diet, and a person who does Crossfit walk I to a bar.

I only know about that because none of them would shut up about it.

My wife said we should have a cheat day once a month while we are dieting...

Apparently it only involved food

News: Doctors recommend Pizza and pancake diet for Covid-19 patients

And all other foods that can fit under the door.

What do a diet and social distancing have in common?

Both flatten the curve.

I had to quit my vegetarian diet

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

I was gonna start a new diet tonight...

...but I have too much on my plate.

Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house....

.....and it was delicious

My Doctor sent me a message out of the blue saying I need to decrease the Sodium in my diet.

Confused that he would contact me by text, I sent back “K??”

He just sent back “Na”

Now I don’t know if I should or not.

My diet plan has finally paid off! I have the body of a super hero now...

I have the body of Thor.

What a jamaican reccomends for a healthy diet

Everybaddi needs to eat a three fruits a day maan, an mi hav a way to learn while dem doin dat yaknow? Ya kyan always remember to eat dem fruits by remembering di presidents maan.





George Bush? Im be a banana man.





Barack Obama? Im apple.



<...

What does the body builder say to the regular person who shares their poor diet patterns?

I'm sorry you *fuel* that way

I told my doctor I wanted to start a vegan keto diet.

She told me "that's nuts."

A man who has been doing keto for five years cheats his diet at a party.

His friend, shocked, asked him if it was hard for him to do.
The man replied, "it was a piece of cake".

An overweight businessman decided it was time to shed some excess weight. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic muffin. The office all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

“This is a very special muffin,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no ...

I got hit in the head with a Diet Pepsi yesterday.

Don't worry, it was a soft drink.

What do you call a member of the armed forces who abandons his diet?

A desserter.

What does a group of Italians say when they start a diet?

Ciao belli

I found this great new dieting plan that's sure to make you lose a lot of pounds

It's called Brexit

Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?

His name was Only One Cannoli.

There's a new diet becoming popular in China

Gesun diet

My girlfriend said being with me is like being on a diet.

I was touched at first and told her that I feel like being with her is a continual journey of self-improvement and striving to get to a better place too.

I felt a little worse after she explained that she only meant it in the sense that being with me is a perpetual struggle of self-denial mo...

I started a new diet where you can sleep 20 hours a day...

It’s called, you Snooze you lose

Library

So this guy walks into a library. He approaches the librarian and says: “I’ll have a double whopper, medium fries and a diet coke, please”.

The librarian looks puzzled and responds: “Erm, sir, you are aware that this is a library...?”

The man: *whispers* sorry, so that was a double wh...

A woman drags her husband to the doctor,

He's been complaining for weeks about a sore stomach. The doc gives the man a full workover and deduces he is missing a vital enzyme mainly found in dog food. Reluctantly they agree to put him on the pet food diet to save his life.

A week later the doc sees her walking the street and asks how...

My wife has asked me to help her with her diet after the big Christmas eats.

So I've hidden her teeth!

Ray has just reached his 110th birthday. A reporter comes to his birthday party and says, “Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to be so old?” Ray replies, “It’s easy. The secret is never to argue with anyone.”

The reporter is not impressed. “That’s insane!” he says. “It has to be something else – diet, meditation, or ‘something.’ Just not arguing won’t keep you alive for 110 years!” Ray looks at the reporter and says, “Y’know, maybe you’re right.”

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A widowed mother of 3 is worried her children aren’t getting enough iron in their diet.

Not sure what to do, she mixes bb’s into their oatmeal. Later that day the first child comes running in the kitchen:

“Mama Mama - Guess what!?! I peed a bb!!”

“Oh, that’s good,” the mother assured, “that means you’re getting your iron.” And she gave the little tyke a cookie and sent ...

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I’ve recently started an all-vegan diet and I’ve never been healthier!

Abducting them, killing them and digging holes to dispose of the remains has been great exercise.

The only problem is it’s become difficult to shut the fuck up telling everybody how much better I feel and how their diet is wrong and immoral.

The Germans are so innovative when it comes to diets.

Especially the gluten free diets. They’ve started a new initiative with their food. If something has gluten in it, they give it a guten tag.

Why did the A.I. with a diet for multicolored alphabets refuse to eat?

There was no gray V

Don't worry about straying from your diet today.

It's Tom Brady's cheat day, too.

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Fellow shoppers enthralled by new diet...

I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Sainsbury's and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the h...

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I’ve put my Rottweiler on a vegan diet.

So far, I’ve fed him three of the bastards.

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A Mom brings her son to the doctor because of his diet

Mom: please help doctor. He’s such a picky eater!

Doctor: what are his favorite foods?

Mom: he only eats one thing: rump roast steak between two sesame buns

The doctor pauses to think then says, “Yes I’ve seen this before...sounds like Ass Burgers.”

If I had a dollar for every time my wife said she was going on a diet

I’d be able to buy her a treadmill she’d never use.

These new diets are getting absolutely ridiculous

Today, some guy was telling me about the joys and benefits of self-cannibalizing. I've never heard anyone that was so full of themself.

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Why are Japanese people so obsessed with healthy diets?

It's because they never want to see another Fat Man in their lives.

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