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Diet Jokes

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“W...

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a healthy diet

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans....

What do you call a guy on a diet?

Les

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A wife buys her redneck husband a scale to help him with his new diet.

A week later the redneck says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out 'cause of my new diet!"

His wife says, "That's great; I never thought of that. So you step on the scale before you go to the toilet, step on the scale ag...

My friend Joe recently started the Dolly Parton diet

It’s really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Jo lean, Joe leeeaaaannn

Bob and his wife started dieting a week ago

Bob and his wife started dieting a week ago.
His wife proposed that they should have cheat day today.
She bought home McDonald's burger, KFC wings and Bob brought home his secretary

Why did Ben Shapiro go on a diet?

To destroy the lbs.

I had to quit my vegetarian diet

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

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Cabbage Patch Doll Diet

I’m losing weight but the little clothes are hard to pass.

I've started a whisky diet.

Every morning I wake up and play tennis. Then I wun into the woods and hit a whino with my wacket. The whino gets mad and chases me which makes me wun very fast. It's whisky, but it works.

Why did the Mexican pumpkin have to go on a diet?

Because he was gourd-o.

Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house....

.....and it was delicious

I started a new vegetarian diet last week

I hope I find another vegetarian soon.

I haven't eaten in 3 days

I am on a seafood diet…

But I am blind so I am starving as a consequence of this.

I wanted to increase my fiber in my diet by eating beans

My plan is dramatically backfiring.

I am on a strict diet of 1200 calories per day

Luckily, the doctor didn't say anything about the nights.

I'm on the tequila diet

So far I've lost 2 days.

Why did a blonde on a diet eat her food quickly?

She thought she was fasting.

What kind of diet does an overweight astronaut go on?

A low orbit diet

I've started a diet where I only eat my toddlers' leftover food.

I've gained 10 pounds

The David Cameron diet:

You'll never lose your pounds quicker.

How many carbs do people in india eat while dieting?

Naan.

My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.

Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.

I just started a diet. Here's a recap of Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house

It was delicious

I went on the vodka diet recently.

I lost three days in one week.

Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.

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My wife always cheats when shes dieting

She hides chocolate bars around the house and fucks other men...

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New Diet

So I’m at Walmart picking up a bag of dog food for my dog. Waiting in the long line the lady behind me strikes up a conversation. She asks if I have a dog, and I think, why else would I be carrying this big bag of dog food?
Then I said “No, I’m starting the dog food diet again. Even though...

Courtesy of my 7 year old - What happens if you don't eat a balanced diet?

You will tip over

I'm sticking with my citrus diet until June

Cumquat May.

The Dolly Parton Diet

A guy walks into a bar and orders a light beer. "How's your New Year's diet coming along?" the bartender asks. "It's going okay, but I'm not losing as much as my buddy Joe. He went on that new Dolly Parton diet," the guy says. "It's made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean."

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Purina Dog Food diet

Yesterday, I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Chew-Barka, the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? Since I'm retired, with little to do, I told her that No, I didn't have a dog, and that...

Diets are for those who are...

thick and tired of it.

Dear Diet Coke

Dear Diet Coke,

I feel like you are overreacting.

Sincerely,
Mentos

I love my vegetarian-only diet.

Lambs, Cows, Deers, Rabbits. They're all vegetarians and they're delicious!!

My wife and I have both decided to go on a diet before our holiday to the States as we don't want to feel self conscious at the beach.

It's going well, so far we've both put on five stone.

Did you hear about the new squirrel diet?

It's just nuts.


this joke is brought to you by amazon for rating 6 of my recent purchases, have a nice day.

Why was the dieting Roman so thrilled?

His toga size went from L to XL.

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My wife and I started a new high fiber diet.

After the 2nd day she asked me how much I lost and I told her 8 lbs.

"You're full of shit!"

"No, thats why I lost 8 lbs."

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Why are Japanese people so obsessed with healthy diets?

It's because they never want to see another Fat Man in their lives.

I'm on the Seaweed diet

I see weed and I smoke it.

Well I've started a new diet…The Adam Ant diet.

Don't chew ever…don't chew ever.

Did you know that if you mix diet coke, bicarb soda, table salt and bleach together in a mop bucket....

You get yelled at by the manager of Walmart

I invented a diet. It's called the lowercase diet. Don't eat foods with capital letters.

Works best if you're German!

I love dieting. I'm actually on 4 diets.

Chinese, American, Italian and Mexican.

I wanted to go on a diet...

But I just have way too much on my plate right now...

I'm on the miracle diet

If I lose any weight , it's a miracle.

So I put my dog on a vegan diet

Don’t worry, I only feed him the finest vegans I can find

I've begun a new diet

It's a see-food diet.

If I see food, I eat it, but >!but only if it's of the fish variety!<

I'm going to go on a Brexit diet

The pounds will drop fast.

Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?

It's just nuts.

Why is the best diet, is to be in prison ?

Because you'll never get a weigh.

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection...

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

What does a group of Italians say when they start a diet?

Ciao belli

My diet guide is nowhere near as helpful as my vegan friend's diet guide.

I think I'll take a leaf out of his book.

What does an uncaught serial killer and a man who won’t diet have in common?

They are both still at large

Bad Diet

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Miami, Florida.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us re...

Have you heard of the Michael Jackson diet?

You just have to start with the man in the mirror, and ask him to change his weighs.

What does a turtle eat when he’s on a diet

Torto-llini

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My porn star girlfriend is on this new diet.

She eats loads.

I think about dieting sometimes...

It takes a lot of weight off my mind.

I recently started an all vegetarian diet

The hardest part is catching them.

Yeah I'm on a diet, I call it the "seefood diet"

I'm pretty sure the mercury's affecting my spelling

My New Year’s Resolution is to switch to a vegan diet in 2022.

Luckily I just got covid, so I won’t notice any difference!

What do you call an insect with a high fat diet?

A mosKeto!

My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff!

It's enough to make a mango crazy.

Why was the blonde snorting Sweet and Low?

She thought it was diet coke.

What diet is Steven Seagal on?

Aketo.

Great white shark diet surprises scientists

"It consists mostly of wildlife biologists that study sharks," said a famous wildife biologist studying sharks.

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the head brewmasters of Budweiser, Miller, and Guinness walk into a bar..

the brewmaster of Budweiser orders first and proudly asks for the most popular brew in America, a Bud Light.

the brewmaster of Miller smiles and asks for a true original, a Miller Lite.

the brewmaster of Guinness winces and orders a Diet Coke.

"a Diet Coke?!," exclaim the oth...

Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?

If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.

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I'm trying to cut butter out of my diet...

...by a large margarine.

I’m on the photon diet

Just a light meal here and there

Why did the mermaid stop dieting?

She was too fin.

My idea of a balanced diet...

Is a beer in each hand.

A scientist was studying life extending properties through diet...

And realized he had the perfect formula for eternal life. He developed a special food formula which he fed to seagulls. Then he would feed their eggs to a pair of dolphins.

After 10 years on a diet of fortified seagull eggs, the dolphins hadn't aged a day. But there was one problem. Th...

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I wasn't getting enough fiber in my diet until recently, so my stool was very loose.

Now I've got my shit together.

What does the Mandalorian say after he starts a new diet to gain more muscle?

This is the whey.

People on diets...

Are just finding their feet

Went on a site claiming to offer the best diet programme...

The first thing it asked me is if I accept cookies!

I am on a diet and my friend asked me how it's going

"Not good." I said. "I had eggs for breakfast."

"Fried?" He asked.

"Chocolate!" I replied

Today is the anniversary of the Diet of Worms

Another weight loss fad

"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."

"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"

"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."

I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet

Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.

Don't worry about straying from your diet today.

It's Tom Brady's cheat day, too.

It feels like there is a new diet fad every other day

everyone is so concerned about trans fats but I think we should respect fat people and let them identify however they want

My new diet and exercise program requires me to not eat for 24 hrs and maintain an erection

It’s a hard and fast rule

My doctor said I should exercise on top of a healthy diet.

But surely a treadmill would make more sense?

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What was Hitler's favorite dieting fad?

Doing a Jews Cleanse

My girlfriend said being with me is like being on a diet.

I was touched at first and told her that I feel like being with her is a continual journey of self-improvement and striving to get to a better place too.

I felt a little worse after she explained that she only meant it in the sense that being with me is a perpetual struggle of self-denial mo...

I was gonna start a new diet tonight...

...but I have too much on my plate.

Dieting hasnt worked out for me, so Im gambling in the UK

Great way to lose a few pounds.

There is only one diet I can recommend while pregnant.

The body builder diet

Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

What a jamaican reccomends for a healthy diet

Everybaddi needs to eat a three fruits a day maan, an mi hav a way to learn while dem doin dat yaknow? Ya kyan always remember to eat dem fruits by remembering di presidents maan.





George Bush? Im be a banana man.





Barack Obama? Im apple.



<...

I thought about going on an all-almond diet

But that would be just nuts

Covid lockdown has me gaining weight so I started a new diet

Its called Two weeks to flatten Your curves

I've started the Captain Crunch diet

It's so simple. Eat the cereal... abraise the roof of your mouth into a pulp... Eat less because anything sharper than jello is excruciating.. lose weight. You're welcome.

Coronavirus patients start pizza and pancake diet

"It's all we can slide under the door!" Says doctor.

Pasta Diet

1.. You walk pasta bakery.

2.. You walk pasta candy store.

3.. You walk pasta Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walk pasta fridge.

If you live on the west coast of the USA right near the factory that makes diet pizza pockets, and you eat one

Then that is a local lo-cal Cal-zone calzone.

I’d like to start dieting...

But I’ve got too much on my plate.

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