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Healthier Jokes

My dentist mocked me today, saying that even though he's much older than me, he has healthier teeth.

I said it must be because he has the better dentist.

What's the healthier, sister version of a dad bod?

An auntie-body.

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Did you hear about the werewolf who cut out butt meat to try to eat healthier?

It's called a glute-free diet

How do zombies eat healthier?

They switch to vegetarians.

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I’ve recently started an all-vegan diet and I’ve never been healthier!

Abducting them, killing them and digging holes to dispose of the remains has been great exercise.

The only problem is it’s become difficult to shut the fuck up telling everybody how much better I feel and how their diet is wrong and immoral.

Thanks to my recent change to a healthier lifestyle, I am no longer fat and ugly

Now I'm just ugly

An 80 year old man goes in for a physical

And the doctor tells him, "You're in terrific health, you're healthier than most 40 year olds, what do you contribute your exceptional health to?"

And the man replies"Turkey hunting, every morning I walk in the mountains and go turkey hunting."

"Well maybe genetics has something to do ...

There has been a lot of talk that it would be a lot healthier for the church if Priests were allowed to be married.

I feel that if a Priest meets another Priest and they like one another, sure they should be allowed to get married.

.

Credit to the comedian - Dave Allen

After months of my wife buying organic foods in order to live healthier, today I made the big decision to change

And filed for divorce

I have decided I wanted to be healthier so one of my new years resolutions is instead of snacking on processed and sugary foods I am just going to eat nuts instead.

The other is to come out to my parents.

I'm happier and healthier now that I've lost 180 pounds (81.6 kg) of ugly fat!

Thanks Divorce^TM !

Trying to be healthier, so I found a list of 10 foods I love that fight disease...

Too bad all of them were only good for fighting starvation.

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An Arab and a Jew

There was an Arab oil Sheikh that was in a coma and needed a blood transfusion to survive. Being AB+ it was hard for him to get a donor with the same rare blood type. Finally they found an old Jewish farmer that was listed as a blood donor with the same blood type. However he was very reluctant to g...

‪If I were to be stranded on an island with anyone I would prefer to be stranded with a vegan...

Mostly because it's healthier to eat grass-fed meat. ‬

In the interests of self care, and to promote healthier lifestyle choices for myself now that I'm single, each morning when I get up, I look myself in the mirror, and say the three little words I always used to say to my wife

"You're too fat"

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Research reveals stronger people have healthier brains - A study of nearly half a million people has revealed that muscular strength, measured by handgrip, is an indication of how healthy our brains are.

My fucking night time activities have finally made me a genius!

[OC] A man wakes up one morning not feeling well.

He decides to go and see the doctor because he has some symptoms he’s heard are related to the virus all over the news. On the way to his appointment, his car breaks down and he has to walk the rest of the way. He’s exhausted by the time he finally arrives at the Doctor’s office, 15 minutes late....

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I went to the doctor recently.. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said, fuck you asshole.

He said, I meant eat healthier.


Repost, credit to MazzukaMy

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A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer...

A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor tells her she doesn't have long. The husband is devastated.

On the way home the husband asks his wife if there is anything he can do for her, a fantasy she's never had fulfilled.

So the wife says, "Well, I've never had cunnilin...

Two older ladies from neighborhood are talking to kill some time like usual.

\- My darling, is there something wrong with you? I was wondering if you are sick?

\- Me? I've never been healthier! Why's that?

\- Well you know, I've noticed this doctor coming every morning for several days to visit you...

\- And when the colonel was visiting you was I talkin...

A mom visits her anti-vaxxer friend

He asks: "so you decided not to vaccinate your child?"

\-oh yeah, it's way healthier. I did the same for all my other kids.

\- And he is doing ok?

\- well, right now, he cries a lot.

\- Really? How come?

\- Well, he just turned two: you know how middle-life crisis ...

The bunny jogging

A bunny is running through the forest and he meets a hedgehog, who's smoking a joint, so the bunny says:

"Hedgehog noo, don't do it, drugs are dangerous, come to run with me in the forest!"

The hedgehog convinced by the bunny runs with him.
They run and they meet a bluetit w...

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An old man and a child are sitting on a bench.

The boy is eating a candy bar, and the old man says,

"You shouldn't eat so many sweets young man, you should eat healthier to live long and be strong."

and the boy turns to him and says.

"My grandfather lived to be 109," The boy says.

"And did he eat a lot of swee...

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Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us b...

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Heard this from Jay Leno in Bagram last night.

A man and his wife are in the hospital. The wife has cancer and she is dying. Her hair has fallen out and she is covered in tumors. The wife says to the man, "I'm so sorry I have never given you oral sex" so in her weakened state she proceeds to go down on her husband. They both love it! She con...

An old man goes on a rant

“Don’t worry honey, I’m fine. I’m just faking it, I don’t have dementia. You see, I’m just tired. Tired of the kids whining and asking for money. Tired of my doctor always telling me I need to eat healthier and exercise. Tired of all these telemarketers. Tired of our neighbors always treating me lik...

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On Exercising

1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where in the worldl she is.

2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven'...

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A monkey is smoking a joint.. (NFSW)

A monkey is smoking a joint when rabbit arrives and says: “ Come on monkey leave the joint and go for run with me, its healthier...”

A monkey thinks about it and says: “You are right, lets go!”

They both start running and after a while they see a zebra preparing some hash.

Rabb...

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Three American men are lost in the desert...

...After many hours without food or water, they are relieved to find a large tent filled with amazing food, clean water, and lots of beautiful women.

They partake of the food, water, and women without hesitation, and soon return to a healthier condition.

A while later, the tent owner ...

A guy goes to the doctor for a respiratory ailment...

...He says he's been coughing day and night for a week. His throat hurts all the time and he can't sleep.

The doctor examines him and notices he has a very distinct cough. "You're in luck," the doctor says. "Your illness is rare, but I happen to know of an excellent treatment for it. It may s...

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Three men find a genie [Long]

Three men are walking along when they find a magic lamp. The genie pops out and offers each of them 3 wishes.

The first man instantly shouts “I wish I had a billion dollars!” The genie nods his head and when the man checks his account he sees his balance has increased by 1 billion.
The s...

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