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Healthier Jokes

My dentist mocked me today, saying that even though he's much older than me, he has healthier teeth.

I said it must be because he has the better dentist.

What's the healthier, sister version of a dad bod?

An auntie-body.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the werewolf who cut out meat to try to eat healthier?

It's called a glute-free diet

How do zombies eat healthier?

They switch to vegetarians.

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I’ve recently started an all-vegan diet and I’ve never been healthier!

Abducting them, killing them and digging holes to dispose of the remains has been great exercise.

The only problem is it’s become difficult to telling everybody how much better I feel and how their diet is wrong and immoral.

Thanks to my recent change to a healthier lifestyle, I am no longer fat and ugly

Now I'm just ugly

An 80 year old man goes in for a physical

And the doctor tells him, "You're in terrific health, you're healthier than most 40 year olds, what do you contribute your exceptional health to?"

And the man replies"Turkey hunting, every morning I walk in the mountains and go turkey hunting."

"Well maybe genetics has something to do ...

There has been a lot of talk that it would be a lot healthier for the church if Priests were allowed to be married.

I feel that if a Priest meets another Priest and they like one another, sure they should be allowed to get married.

.

Credit to the comedian - Dave Allen

After months of my wife buying organic foods in order to live healthier, today I made the big decision to change

And filed for divorce

I have decided I wanted to be healthier so one of my new years resolutions is instead of snacking on processed and sugary foods I am just going to eat nuts instead.

The other is to come out to my parents.

I'm happier and healthier now that I've lost 180 pounds (81.6 kg) of ugly fat!

Thanks Divorce^TM !

Trying to be healthier, so I found a list of 10 foods I love that fight disease...

Too bad all of them were only good for fighting starvation.

‪If I were to be stranded on an island with anyone I would prefer to be stranded with a vegan...

Mostly because it's healthier to eat grass-fed meat. ‬

In the interests of self care, and to promote healthier lifestyle choices for myself now that I'm single, each morning when I get up, I look myself in the mirror, and say the three little words I always used to say to my wife

"You're too fat"

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Research reveals stronger people have healthier brains - A study of nearly half a million people has revealed that muscular strength, measured by handgrip, is an indication of how healthy our brains are.

My night time activities have finally made me a genius!

[OC] A man wakes up one morning not feeling well.

He decides to go and see the doctor because he has some symptoms he’s heard are related to the virus all over the news. On the way to his appointment, his car breaks down and he has to walk the rest of the way. He’s exhausted by the time he finally arrives at the Doctor’s office, 15 minutes late....

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I went to the doctor recently.. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said, you .

He said, I meant eat healthier.


Repost, credit to MazzukaMy

Two older ladies from neighborhood are talking to kill some time like usual.

\- My darling, is there something wrong with you? I was wondering if you are sick?

\- Me? I've never been healthier! Why's that?

\- Well you know, I've noticed this doctor coming every morning for several days to visit you...

\- And when the colonel was visiting you was I talkin...

A mom visits her anti-vaxxer friend

He asks: "so you decided not to vaccinate your child?"

\-oh yeah, it's way healthier. I did the same for all my other kids.

\- And he is doing ok?

\- well, right now, he cries a lot.

\- Really? How come?

\- Well, he just turned two: you know how middle-life crisis ...

The bunny jogging

A bunny is running through the forest and he meets a hedgehog, who's smoking a joint, so the bunny says:

"Hedgehog noo, don't do it, drugs are dangerous, come to run with me in the forest!"

The hedgehog convinced by the bunny runs with him.
They run and they meet a bluetit w...

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An old man and a child are sitting on a bench.

The boy is eating a candy bar, and the old man says,

"You shouldn't eat so many sweets young man, you should eat healthier to live long and be strong."

and the boy turns to him and says.

"My grandfather lived to be 109," The boy says.

"And did he eat a lot of swee...

An old man goes on a rant

“Don’t worry honey, I’m fine. I’m just faking it, I don’t have dementia. You see, I’m just tired. Tired of the kids whining and asking for money. Tired of my doctor always telling me I need to eat healthier and exercise. Tired of all these telemarketers. Tired of our neighbors always treating me lik...

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On Exercising

1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where in the worldl she is.

2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven'...

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A monkey is smoking a joint.. (NFSW)

A monkey is smoking a joint when rabbit arrives and says: “ Come on monkey leave the joint and go for run with me, its healthier...”

A monkey thinks about it and says: “You are right, lets go!”

They both start running and after a while they see a zebra preparing some hash.

Rabb...

A guy goes to the doctor for a respiratory ailment...

...He says he's been coughing day and night for a week. His throat hurts all the time and he can't sleep.

The doctor examines him and notices he has a very distinct cough. "You're in luck," the doctor says. "Your illness is rare, but I happen to know of an excellent treatment for it. It may s...

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Three men find a genie [Long]

Three men are walking along when they find a magic lamp. The genie pops out and offers each of them 3 wishes.

The first man instantly shouts “I wish I had a billion dollars!” The genie nods his head and when the man checks his account he sees his balance has increased by 1 billion.
The s...
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