Have you ever had the privilege of sailing across the North Atlantic Sea?

Neither has the Titanic.

It's not a privilege for bears to have limbs.

They have the right to bear arms.

A friend asked me if I felt especially blessed to have the privilege of cleaning out Catwoman's toilet...

"Halle loo, yeah!"

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One of the first steps toward becoming a man...

One day, the father of a young boy decides that it's time to teach his son how to pee standing up.

"Alright, son, this is one thing that will help you become a man. It's a privilege we have that women do not, so it's important to take advantage of it. All you have to do is follow these nine s...

Interview with the Pope and a Rabbi.

I am a reporter for a major monthly publication.
Generally I write human interest articles.
Last year I was given the privilege and granted an interview with the Pope.

Upon entering the Pope's office I was greeted warmly with a handshake and a hug.
The pope and I had an amazing conve...

Stung...

A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communica...

A man is at the funeral of an old friend.

He hesitantly approaches the deceased's wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, "Plethora."

The widow smiles appreciatively. "Thank you," she says. "That means a lot."

Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a word too?" She sa...

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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

I just checked my privilege.

Looks fine to me.

What do children and privileges have in common?

Abuse ‘em and you’ll lose ‘em.

My dad and I(f) both ordered the same thing at the same time online. He got his before me.

Mail privilege...

What do you call a group of Karens?

A privilege

A man is having issues with his wifi

As any self-loathing individual would do he calls up his service provider who tell him that they’ll have someone look at the router at 10am the next day.

“Odd, this seems like good customer service” he thought to himself. The next morning he wakes up, grabs a cup of coffee and waits, 10am lea...

A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges, when she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.

At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "What time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.

Dea...

What do you call a spirit of pride, entitlement, privilege, and arrogance?

An heir elemental.

"You always try and trick me with your privileged right to be first every time, then, you try and manipulate me into making dumb mistakes. You look down on me, don't you? Is it because I'm black!?"

I sighed and said, "Look, you can be white if you want darling, it's only a game of chess!"

What did the young, privileged, and naive crustacean say to the other crustacean?

“I don’t sea shells”

Offensive crayon ideas!

Presidential Orange

Miscarriage Maroon

Privilege White

Travel Ban Brown

Lives Matter Black

"I should have known better than to talk to him like that, these bruises are my fault" Blue

What do you call it when you get your package after 2 business days instead of the promised 3-5?

mail privilege

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Justice is served

So Donald Trump is finally found guilty for all of his high crimes and misdemeanors. The very fine people of New York have won the privilege to decide his fate. Before his many years in prison the city had declared that, The Donald be put in stocks and chains on display in the middle of 5th Avenue. ...

Why are people in I.T. the worst kind of social justice warriors?

They are always asking you to check your privilege.

How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?

You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ...

Cindy and Lucy were to high-powered DC lawyers.

They had been childhood friends, gone to the same law school, and gone into partnership together. Through their hard work, they became well known in the DC area and bumped elbows with politicians.

One summer, they decided to hold a fourth of july party and invite all the members of congress....

Somebody once threatened me...

"I'm about to demonstrate to you how kneecaps are a privilege and not a human right."

Bernie Sanders doesn't use hand sanitizer

"It kills 99.9% of germs," he says, "just another case of too much privilege for the 0.1%!"

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Joe visits his favorite museum's new exhibit.

Joe was on his way to his favorite museum. The museum had announced a new exhibit and he was extremely excited to be one of the first people to ever see it, since he got some early access tickets. When he got there, there were about 12 other people who had also gotten a ticket for today, so he assum...

I visited Kenya...

I was in Kenya for holiday and decided to visit a poor village. There I met a married couple who told me about their everyday life. The wife told how she makes clothes for a living and makes 1.75 dollars a day. The husband was a farmer who only made 2 dollars a day.

It broke my heart. I felt ...

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You have died and gone to hell

When you arrive in hell, you are greeted with a very happy and joyful Satan

Satan: WELCOME TO HELL!!!!! Please, let’s get you checked in and see where you will fit in our depths.

Satan scans the book of life. Locates your name

Satan: Ohhh, I see!!!! OH, WOW that is a lot of ti...

I hear Ahab was made captain ahead of his more qualified peers...

Talk about white whale privilege.

Being the first to move in chess...

Is white privilege.

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My Grandpa was an amazing man

My grandpa left school and was told by his parents, whom could clearly afford it, that if he wanted to study at university he would need to pay his own way. Well he did exactly that and took a role as a mail boy in a merchant bank.

When WW1 broke he was drafted and fought as a officer in the ...

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Bleach kills everything: mold, mildew, bacteria, black shirts, blue jeans...

But not the whites.

Fuckin white privilege...

Why was Walter able to commit so much crime for so long on Breaking Bad without getting caught?

White privilege.

A veterinarian goes to see a doctor...

The Doctor starts asking questions about the pain and how long he has been feeling ill.
The veterinarian snarky replies: "When I treat the animals I don't have the privilege to ask questions."
The Doctor says ok, then starts examining his patient. After a while he stands up and writes a presc...

How many social justice warriors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, but they'd shame it for its light privilege.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You have two cows..

USA: You have two cows. You outsource a farm to milk them and sell the milk to those who can afford it. You then use the profit to buy someone else's cow for your butcher to make steak with.

Russia: You have two cows. When you get sober you remember that the mafia took them away from you, so ...

A North Korean farmer is finally rewarded after fifty years of hard labour for the State

A party official visits the farmer in his simple living quarters and proclaims

"Comrade, for your hard work and absolute dedication to the great leader and the Democratic People's Republic, we would like to reward you with a car"

The humble farmer nods silently to show his appreciatio...

A Preacher is at his dying church members bed

The preacher is talking to the man, saying how he will say a prayer for his quick healing when all of a sudden the man begins to attempt to tell him something

The man motions with his hand so the pastor steps closer
"What is it? What do you need?" The pastor asked

The man looks a...

Funny Comeback

I go into McDonald's and there is this fat girl making fun of this mentally disabled kid*

Me: you know, that could happen to any of us. You don't belong making fun of someone like that, what's wrong with you?

Girl: god gave me a mouth to speak and I'm going to use it

Me: well go...

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So this white cis male in IT says...

So this white cis male in IT says to me "I don't know what's wrong. I can SELECT from the database, but I can't UPDATE."

"Bitch, you need to check your privileges!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Russians saw an advertisement for a job in Siberia.

Vladimir read it from beginning to end, a glowing account of a new town and industrial complex where there was sure to be full employment, high wages, luxurious Government-sponsored accommodation, and shops full of all the necessities and luxuries that roubles could buy. But just as he was reaching ...

A deaf-mute goes golfing

...at a country club (it's Sunday, and open to the public) and is having a pretty good game. So good, in fact, that he ends up having to wait on a member playing ahead of him.
He politely waits on the slow golfer, but eventually gets fed up with the delay. So he writes a note, and gives it to the...

Blonde Joke

An old visually impaired cattle rustler meanders into an all-young lady biker bar by misstep...
He discovers his way to a bar stool and requests an injection of Jack Daniels.
Subsequent to staying there for some time, he shouts to the barkeep, 'Hello, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The b...

A group of Cytologists are arrested...

and are thrown into jail. Since these are privileged folks, they’re put into a special jail where they live a single common living space, without separate rooms.

The cytologists start submitting complaints immediately to the state. Because without cells, it doesn’t meet living conditions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man travels to Spain

A man travels to Spain and decides to watch one of the bullfighting matches for which Spain is well known.

The match was intense & thrilling. Unlike anything which can be found anywhere else in the world. Afterwards there was a celebration for the Torero (Bullfighter) and the crowd slowl...

Free heaven

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beauti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Insults

She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back

Look's like she's been dunking for apples in a chip pan

Had more hands up her than Sooty!

She's got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettle

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!

S...

White pages

Had a conversation at work today. Got the yellowpages and was commenting on how much smaller the whitepages are nowadays than when I was a kid. My coworker proceeds to ask the difference between the white pages and the yellow pages in the book. I tell her the yellow pages businesses have to pay for ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[slight racism] So a Hercules plane is failing while carrying a small squad...

A Hercules plane has a motor go kapputt while in flight. The soldiers inside start throwing equipment off the plane to keep it lighter and help it fly better until it can land, but after they toss almost everything, the general says:

* General: We need to throw someone out of the plane!
...

The local Muslim community had raised enough money to build a new house of worship...

The local Muslim community had raised enough money to build a new house of worship, but others in the community wanted to send the money as aid to less privileged countries. To choose what they would do with the money, the leaders of the Islamic community decided to have an event where everyone coul...

Job Application Humor

========================================================================

Cover letter: "I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest
convenience to discuss what I can do to your company."

That's what we're afraid of ...

===============================================...

I'd like to teach under-privelaged kids lattice geometry

Nothing would give me more pleasure than getting at-risk youth hooked on crystal math.

**EDIT** I'm terribly sorry for misspelling under-privileged

Why does Walter get to keep more of the drug money than Jessie?

White privilege

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why IRS hasn't taxed the only thing it left out - penis!

NEW TAX CODE

The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the penis.

This is due to the fact that 70% of the time it is hanging around
unemployed, 13% of the time it is pissed off, 12% of the time it
is hard up, and 5% of the time it's in the hole.

It has two dependents, but th...

I've started to take the SJW movement seriously and have applied it to my parenting style

It's why I'm ignoring all my 10-month olds privileged white male tears.

What is it called when brown envelopes aren't delivered as quickly as white ones?

White Mail Privilege

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