If you were 8 years old when “Red Red Wine” was released

UB40 now

New 911 audio recordings of Chris Browns assault on Rihanna has been released to the public for the first time.

It’s called Chris Browns greatest hits.

Facebook is set to release its own webmail client...

...emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"

Blizzard just released a new dating sim

Core gameplay is getting in bed with the Chinese :>

Juan, a prison warden, decided a group of sikhs (4 or 5 of them) should be released for good behaviour.

The occasion was mentioned in the newspaper: “Juan to free four, five sikhs”
I’ll be here all week.

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."


Noah being ...

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Why the head of the penis is larger than the shaft.

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure d...

Stuttering man released from prison early..

He could not finish his sentence

Alabama Starbucks have released a new drink this month

Pump Kin Latte

Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.

Just release a new iphone every year.

My bank just released a card that rewards me with precious metals like gold and silver when I spend money!

They’re calling it the Creddit Card.

Isn't it the best feeling when you have been holding it in the entire day and finally you get to release it at the end of day?

I'm talking about emotions.

Did you hear about the line of veggie burgers released by Greta Van Fleet?

They are 100% plant-based.

SEGA has decided to release a game about a guy that won't let other people queue for religious events. Instead he always runs really fast to the front.

Sonic the hajj-hog.

A newly released Harvard study links NFL head trauma to erectile dysfunction...

The players could sue but I dont think it would stand up in court.

[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Inmate: It’s bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

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[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

I really do wish Marvel would re-release The Avengers with Clark Gregg and Samuel L. Jackson swapping roles...

Black Coulson, wontcha come...

Marvel have released their schedule for the next set of Spider Man films.

* Spider Man: Homecoming
* Spider Man 2: Far From Home
* Spider Man 3: Going Back Home Again
* Spider Man 4: Going Out Again For A Bit
* Spider Man 5: Coming Back Once More
* Spider Man 6: Leaving Again
* Spider Man 7: Aunt May is Angry Because She Wants to Know Where I Keep Going ...

Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes....

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Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.

"Harde...

Attorney General Barr released a summary of Jeffrey Epstein's autopsy findings...

They found no evidence of contusion.

Harry Potter just released a new figure of its leading hero Mr. Scamander. But it isn’t very good the shirt is the wrong color, the scarf is too short, the nose is to long, and a bunch of other little things are wrong.

Did they really think I wouldn’t notice all these wrong My Newt details?

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Cher should release an album called "Noble"...

That shit would blow up.

While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp

When I rubbed it a Genie popped out.


Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it?

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it w...

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
 

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”


 "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
 ...

After my wife died, I wasn't able to see any women for 25 years.

But now that I've been released from prison, I know it was worth it.

President Trump has refused to release the full report proving claims that Iran is developing a fighting force of flying dinosaurs. He’s released a version of the report but

It’s been pterodacted

Software development cycle.

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discov...

Apple releases an apple ..

Apple starts selling an apple in the shape of it's iconic logo. People stand in long lines to get the shiny, plastic sealed apples.

One curious customer tears open the plastic seal and finds a dead bug inside. The media gets wind of it and approaches the CEO to get comments.

He says: "...

A few days ago, a team of 200 scientists released the first ever image of a cosmic body with a mass 7 billion times that of the sun's, also known as

yo mama lmao

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A guy from Apple promised me a pre-release of a new product if I sucked his cock this morning. As if I would compromise my values for such a materialistic item!

Sent from my iPhone XI

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything i...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

His family was experiencing financial trouble, and needed money. He tried applying for many jobs, they just didn't work out. After ending up working in the drug business to support his family, a deal went bad and he got shot, landing him to the hospital. The night his family arrived to check on him...

Queen released a hip hop version of their song.

It's called Bohemian Rap City

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I was walking through the forest when I saw something glimmer in the grass.

"I approached and it turned out to be a golden frog. I quickly grabbed it, intending to sell it for a lot of money, but the frog spoke to me.


- Let me go and I'll grant you 3 wishes.


First I didn't believe it, so I tried to stick it in my pocket, but the frog spoke again.
...

If Elon Musk released a line of fragrances they would probably call it..

Tesla for Men or something like that

So Samsung released their new foldable smartphone....

And now the problems are starting to unfold.

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A man is being released from a US hospital.

As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “what the hell is going on here?!” The nurse replies, “you see, this man has a serious condition where if he d...

Apple just released a joke book, and here's is an extract...

LICENCE NOT FOUND


Please Pay $999 To View Joke

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My wife put on a sexy cop outfit..

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

[Long]Husband takes wife to play golf.

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband shouted , "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy driv...

Someone broke into Battersea dogs home and released all the dogs last night...

The police are desperately looking for leads.

I always wanted to be the first person in the world to release a mixtape in the Notre Dame

But sadly someone else already dropped some fire there.

3 men are arrested...

Three men; a Russian, a swede, and a German have been arrested, and they've all been given a 6 month sentence.



Their warden however, is friendly and grants them all a 6 month supply of anything they want.



Upon hearing this, the Russian man jumps up in joy,


...

What did Jay-Z say when Beyonce released Lemonade?

I got 100 problems.

So the trailer for Sonic the Hedgehog was released on the eve of Ramadan

Looks like he’s gotta go fast

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The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

A blind man was describing his favorite sport-parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.

“I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?”, he was asked.

“Well, I have a very keen...

A young girl runs under a church awning to escape the rain.

"Wow, it's really pouring sky buckets out here!" she yells to the priest greeting visitors.

Before he can respond, the sky releases a torrential downpour, as if a thousand firehoses opened up from the clouds.

"Whoa! Now it's *really* raining cats and dogs!" she exclaims. Suddenly, a c...

What would Detective Pikachu be called if it was released by Paramount Pictures?

Defective Pikachu

Police apprehended a shady exterminator who releases pests into client's homes

They caught him fleaing the scene

the world’s best cloud storage service was released today, called Titanic.

It’s always synching

We are making White Russians to celebrate the Mueller report release, but I can’t remember the recipe.

Kahlua-sion or no kahlua-sion?

6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement.

Withdrawn: £7 000 000.00

Balance: £0.00

They finally released the first picture of the black hole the other day.

I found the story really sucks you in and helps you grasp the gravity of the situation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If that Presidential piss tape ever gets released -

It will be the most streaming leaked video of all time!

For people saying that apple is behind in the foldabe smartphone technology, they have already released it the previous year

It just takes a lot more effort.

A joke told by a priest today

The father of a marrying age girl, and the local law man, told a suitor to either go to jail or marry his daughter.

The man gave in and got married.

Years later, at dinner with his wife, the man broke down crying. His wife asked what was wrong, and he said,

"Today is the day ...

A Priest, a Politician, and an Engineer are set to be executed by guillotine during the French Revolution.

The Executioner brings the Priest up first. He ask him if he'd like to lie facing down or facing up for his death. He responds that he would like to be facing up, so he can see the heavens while he's going to God. So the Executioner lays the Priest down in the guillotine facing up. He then releases ...

Russian, American and German got caught by a tribe of cannibals

Cannibals told them:

\- We'll give you 2 tasks. Do them separately and we will release you

3 guys agreed

\- Ok. First task is - each one of you should bring us 10 fruits

Russian, American and German went into the forest. A few hours later, German comes back with 10 apples...

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