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Release Jokes

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A man is being released from a US hospital.

As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “what the hell is going on here?!” The nurse replies, “you see, this man has a serious condition where if he d...

If you were 8 years old when “Red Red Wine” was released

UB40 now

[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Inmate: It’s bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

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Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy. It releases dopamine and reduces stress. Improves prostate gland and cardiovascular health..

Still got thrown off the bus.

Why did they release Star Wars episodes 4, 5 & 6 before episodes 1, 2 & 3?

In charge of the schedule Yoda was.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why didn't Joe Exotic ever release any Christmas songs?

Because he fucking hates Carols.

Jussie Smollett was released after 6 days into his 150 day sentence

He must be pretty upset that his attacker got out so early.

Twice a year there is a newsletter released about dried fruit.

On those dates it is raisin awareness of currant events.

I met my current girlfriend at a midnight game release

It was destiny

USPS releases a stamp with Trump's picture

The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presen...

If apple released iphone 8 and 10 this year

Would it release nine eleven next year

Edit : my first 24 hours top 10 thanks all

TIL that for release in Finland, the original Mortal Kombat had to be censored in an unusual way. Censors were fine with the gore, but insisted the music be replaced with traditional Christian songs.

FINNISH HYMN!!!

The actors strike is delaying the release of Oppenheimer

That’s okay, it was probably going to bomb anyway.

The Beastie Boys have released a 5 part documentary! Parts A through D are freely available to download, but

You have to fight for your right to Part E!

Doubtful German police press release

In 2020, German police announced that they had to fire shots at people a total of 62 times throughout 2019.

However, the U.S. Ambassador to Germany doubted these figures, as he did not believe that there have been only two traffic stops in the entire year in the whole of Germany.

The FBI, the CIA, and the KGB are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI receive 1000 tips about the rabbit's location but refuses to investigate.

The CIA burns down the whole forest and said there's no rabbit.

The KGB drags a man out of the forest and beats him as he screams "OK I'm a rabbit!"

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."


Noah being ...

The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing e...

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Fun fact I was born the same day a Green Day album was released

So, that means two American Idiots came out that day

Facebook is set to release its own webmail client...

...emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released.

The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free.
...

Yo mama joke I thought of it

Yo mama is so fat and old that she’s still eating from the last supper.





Edit : Jesus Christ this blew up. Didn’t know so many of you had to release yo mamas from your system.

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It's the time of the French Revolution and they're doing their usual daily beheadings..

Today they're leading a priest, a prostitute and an engineer up to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the ...

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A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

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What’s the difference between Barbie and Oppenheimer?

Barbie product first manufactured in Japan and released in America.
Oppenheimer product first manufactured in America and release in Japan.

Release the vaccine in vape form.

I promise you no one will ask what’s in it at that point.

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Why do women's prisons give out tampons on release day?

Because all sentences should end with a period.

I’m not a fan of the new coins released with King Charles’ head on them.

But then again, I’ve never liked change.

The new Call of Duty just got released in Iraq

They call it the Sims

Note: this technically a repost

Did you know they're gonna release the 10th Fast and Furious movie already?

It's called Fast10 your seatbelts.

What has 2 legs, can disappear, and can release smoke?

My dad

A book on the history of clocks has finally been released

It's about time

I've just released my own fragrance

No one else in the car liked it though.

Tesla released a car air freshener last week...

They call it Elon's Musk.

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

Canon to release new camera, the Canon 80D.

Sadly it can't focus.

A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted,

"Oh, pun the door"

Bobby Shmurda was released from prison today. He should have been released......

ABOUT A WEEK AGO!

Former Chicago Bears wide receiver Sam Hurd was released from federal prison today.

That makes two Cocaine Bears getting released this weekend.

A wealthy politician released her tax returns for the public to view, according to custom.

The politician had a neighbor who was in charge of a charity that was struggling for funds. After seeing the politician’s tax returns, he saw a golden opportunity, and immediately went over and knocked on the politician’s door.

“All right, I can see from your tax returns that you make $500,00...

Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.

Just release a new iphone every year.

Monica Lewinsky has released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for the American Presidency:

"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a very bad taste in my mouth."

A Blonde, a Brunette, and A Red Head are sentenced to death.

They are lined up in the yard to be killed. The main guard went up to the Brunette. “You have a choice on how you would like to die: by electric chair, firing squad, or hanging. Which will it be?”

The Brunette replied, “I’ll take the electric chair.”

She was led away by two other guar...

A train conductor kills 2 people and is sentenced to the electric chair...

A train conductor ends up killing two people while on the job. He is found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair. When the day comes, he is asked what he would want for his last meal, and he requests a banana. After finishing his meal, he is strapped to the chair and electrocuted. However, by s...

Did you see the Catholic church released a breakfast cereal?

Cinnamon Pope Crunch: The See You Can Taste

Why was Sonic 2 released right before Ramadan?

He gotta go fast

Did you hear Sushi Restaurants are about to release a new type of roll?

It is the Lady Gaga Roll, and it is served Raw, Raw, Raw, Raw, Raw, Raw

It's obvious Bill Gates didn't create COVID

none of his other products are able to release new versions this frequently

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My girlfriend surprised me tonight: she dressed up sexy like a police woman, handcuffed me to the bed and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

2 minutes later I was released due to lack of evidence.

ISIS recently released their own brand of anti-dandruff shampoo

It's called Shoulders

A self-help book sold 3000 copies on the day of its release.

A self-help book sold 3000 copies on the day of its release because of a typo error.

The title read 'How to change your wife'.

Subway to release a statement next week

In light of recent events, kids now get free 6 inches.

Apple is set to release their new electric smart car in 2024...

It will be the first apple product with windows.

They're about to release a braille movie

They're about to release a braille movie, it's tipped to win the best "feel good" movie of the year.

Disney finally released Yoda's last name. His full name is:

Yoda Lay-Heehoo

The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband.

They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.

Sidney Powell was meant to release the Kraken

...I think she smoked it by accident

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did Kanye find out that Kim was bound, gagged, and held at gunpoint?

She released the video on pornhub.


(Too soon?)

The Pentagon just released a program releasing all the favorite music of the Vice Presidents ever.

They call it the Al Gore Rhythm

Pontius Pilate: “As a gesture of goodwill to mark the beginning of Passover, we will release one prisoner.”

Crowd:

PP: “It’s part of my new Pilate program.”

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOO

Macaulay Culkin just released his first rap album.

He's Ho Malone.

McDonalds just released a new sandwich made entirely of beef lips.

They're calling it the McJagger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man released from prison.

A man, who was imprisoned for 30 years, gets released from prison. 30 years, and all he could think about, was having sex, as he loved sex before going to prison. He makes up his mind, and tells himself "The first thing I see, whatever it may be, I will have sex with". As soon as he leaves prison, h...

My grandfather always said: "If you hit something with the car, you should release it from its suffering"

Still, I felt sorry for the cyclist

What is a videogame people have been waiting forever and devs never seem to release the sequel?

Formula 1

Apple in the Middle East is releasing a shelf.

They're calling it the iRaq.

iRan to buy it the day it was released.

But it was sold out... O-Man!

I can't wait for the release of the Tetris movie

It's a blockbuster in the making

A man with a stutter was killed in prison with only 3 days until his release date.

To bad he couldn't just finish his sentence.

The coroner has released Norm Macdonald's official cause of death

you guessed it, Frank Stallone

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

I just released a new fragrance

Nobody in the car seemed to like it

Astronauts release a photo of Hurricane Harvey...

Astronauts released a photo of Hurricane Harvey as seen from the the International Space Station. They sent a short message along with the photograph; "Houston, you have a problem."

The Senate committee just released a report about the Cold War.

They found that in response to Sesame Street promoting friendship, racial equality, and care, the CIA captured the Count and forced him to run through truckloads of rice.

Tesla released a new software update...

If you miss a car payment your car drives itself back to Tesla.

Ten years ago today, Gotye released his big hit.

I don't hear anything about him at all nowadays. Now he's just Somebody That I Used to Know.

I recently attended a catch and release fishing party...

...the music was ok, but the food was off the hook.

The World Health Organisation has confirmed canines do not carry the virus and can be released from pounds.

WHO let the dogs out.

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Cher should release an album called "Noble"...

That shit would blow up.

An Irish man frees a genie

and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.

The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."

So *poof* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it...

The Postal Service just released a new postage stamp commemorating Prostitution ...

They only cost 25 cents. But if you want to lick them, they're a dollar.

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They finally released the porn film about men with a clock fetish

It's about fucking time

I've just released a new book about Poltergeists...

It's flying off the shelves.

Did you hear Adidas just released their new line of plus-sized yoga pants?

They’re called Adipose.

Dyson is planning to release an electric car by 2020...

I bet they'll suck.

Blizzard just released a new dating sim

Core gameplay is getting in bed with the Chinese :>

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Police have released a description of the person they're after;

White male, dark hair, moustache, is 6' 1,

And all I could think was;

Fuck me that's a big moustache.

The release of the Bond movie has been postponed once again because of COVID.

Hollywood wants to die another day.

R. Kelly has asked to be released from prison after being concerned about catching COVID-19.

I bet if it was COVID-13 he wouldn't mind catching it at all.

A new type of broom has just been released,

It is sweeping the nation.

If they release three more sequels of 'Fast and Furious' series...

They should name the last one - "Fast10 - Your Seatbelt" in memory of Paul Walker.

So the James Bond release has been suspended due to Corona virus

Apparently there is time to die

Kim Jong Un released a statement today

I don’t know what it said it must’ve been Morse code, all it said was *beep* *beep* *beep* *beeeeeep*

While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp

When I rubbed it a Genie popped out.


Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it?

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it w...

Tha Apple car will be the first car that will slow down when they release a new model.

They said this is a joke.. I'm not sure..

A doctor wanted to release 3 mad people from the hospital. He asked the 1st mad man: 2+2 = ?

He replied: 3,700

You are really mad, the doctor said.

The second mad man replied: 2+2 = Wednesday.

You are not far from death, the doctor said.

The third mad man answered, 2+2 = 4.

BRAVOOO! How did u get the answer?

The doctor asked.

He replied, "I ...

A man releases a genie

A man is walking along a beach in California when he finds a bottle. He opens it, and with a puff of smoke, a genie is released.

"As a reward for freeing me from the bottle," says the genie, "I'll grant you one wish."

The man thinks for a while and says "I've always wanted to visit Aus...

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Gordon Ramsey today released his long-awaited book about having sex with herbs.

It's about fucking thyme.

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