Trump has done in 4 years what 80% of presidents fail to do in 8 years

Lose an election.

A list of things that helicopters do in movies

1. explode
2.

What I had to do in Texas...

This is a pretty old one, but I figure it's worth telling just in case people on this sub haven't heard it.

In a typical wild west desert town, a typical rugged cowboy/drifter type rides his horse up to a saloon, then ties it to the post and saunters in for a drink. While he's drinking, some...

My friends think that your name represents what you should do in life. Dina worked to find a dinosaur fossil, and Jack became a lumberjack,

We donโ€™t talk about Cliff.

What does an archeologist do in alabama?

Relative dating

What do farmers do in Alabama?

Pump kin

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What does a sexual predator do in church?

Prey

What do Smash Mouth do in Physics class?

Sum bodies

What does Mozart do in his grave?

Decompose

What are you going to do in the weekend?

"I'm going to buy glasses."

"And then what?"

"Then I'll see."

I've got some new jokes which I can only do in sign language...

I guarantee you, no one has ever heard them before.

What kind of farts does Sigourney Weaver do in the bath?

Ripley ones.

What does a virus need to do in order to reach more people?

It needs to strain itself.

When you get to be a certain age, there are two things you definitely donโ€™t want to do in the same week...

Upgrade your prescription glasses and buy a full-length mirror!

What does an agnostic dyslexic insomniac do in the evening?

Stays up all night pondering if there really is a Dog...

If you're in the UK, you go poo in the loo. So what do you do in the bathroom in Miami?

Cocaine

A: So what do you do in your free time?

B: I stalk

A: umm, ok, I like to go the movies and talk long walks

B: I *know*

What do witches do in the bathroom?

Bippity-boppity-poo.

"What do you wish to do in the future?" asks the teacher.

Pete: "I want to be a pilot"

Tommy: "I want to be a doctor"

Margaret: "I want to be a good mother"

Frank: "I want to help Margaret"

What do sheep like to do in the summer?

Have a baa-baa-cue!

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

What does a man with Alzheimers do in his free time?

Upvote the same fucking joke for the 5th time on r/jokes .

What do cops do in their free time?

They do donuts.

"What's the most complex thing you can do in your kitchen?"

"My wife"

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What is it that most women do in their daily lives but is considered a tragedy when Adolf Hitler did?

Remove Polish using chemicals.

What a murderer do in a delivery room?

Spawn camp

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My wife asked me to make love to her like they do in the movies.

So I stuck it up her arse and then came on her face while shouting "TAKE THAT, BITCH!".

From the look on her face I'd hazard a guess that we don't watch the same films.

What do fishermen do in their free time?

They master bait

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NSFW: My wife said she wanted to have sex like they do in the movies...

So I pushed her against the wall, grabbed her hair from behind and drilled her up the shitter. Turns out we watch different movies.

What does a nun do in her free time?

Thats nun of your business.

How did Jesus do in the construction test today?

He nailed it!

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A guy gets married and has no clue what to do in bed

So asks a friend for advice and he says:
Do what ever she does and you will figure it out naturally .


At night his wife comes to bed and starts undressing,
and based on friend advice he does the same.

Then she starts touching her breasts and biting her lips and he mimics he...

What does a woman do in outer space?

Vacuum cleaning

What does a mechanic do in a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

How did the terminal cancer patient do in school?

He passed.

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What do Americans do in a group chat?

Mass shoot the shit

My wife wanted to make love โ€˜like they do in the moviesโ€™

So I hired a film crew

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My girlfriend said, "We should make love like they do in the movies."

So I shoved my dick in her ass and came on her face.

She got upset. Apparently we watch different movies.

What do you do in case of fallout?

Put it back in and take shorter strokes....

What to do in jail

If I ever get arrested, I'm gonna rename myself to "Mitochondria"

Age is just a number. On my 40th birthday, I went to the high school track to see what I could do in the mile run, and I set a new personal best!

Half a mile!

What do they do in Alabama when their car breaks down?

Build a house next to it.

How did the communist do in school?

He got good Marx

I heard that quitting smoking is one of the most empowering things you can do in life

I didn't want to miss out, so I took up smoking.

What did Jesus do in Mississippi?

He turned Muddy Waters into wine.

What did Micheal Jackson do in the bathroom?

He took a pee hee.

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We all know that if you assume in the USA it makes and ass out of u and me. But what does assuming do in China?

Makes an ass out of u and Ming

What do vehicles do in discos?

They brake-dance

What did the teacher tell the orange to do in class?

Concentrate

What does an abusive father do in his spare time?

Beats me

What does the Jewish alchemist do in his spare time?

Hebrew

Made love to my wife last night, just like they do in the movies

I was fast, she was furious

Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...

...unless you are donating blood.

What does a songwriter do in his grave?

He decomposes.

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"How did you do in the porno auditions?"

"Well, I got some small parts."

"Ah, well that certainly doesn't help, does it?"

 

^[OC]

What did Tom hanks do in the woods?

He took a forrest dump.

What did the man who blamed his nasal congestion on the federal reserve do in response?

Sudafed

I have a lot of work to do in the morgue today.

There's a new deadline I need to meet.

What does a dalek do in the shower

*ex-fo-li-ate*

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What does a God do in a toilet?

Holy Shit!

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What's an asexual person's favorite thing to do in the bedroom?

Fuckin' nothin'.

What does Michael Jordan do in Krispy Kreme?

Dunk in Donuts

My daughter asked, "What was your favorite thing to do in your 20's in Oklahoma?"

"Leave."

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

I can't believe the crazy shit people do in church

I was attending a church service today when the person next lit up a cigarette, I couldn't believe it, I almost dropped my beer

What do penguins do in a race?

They peng-win

How well did Jackson Pollock do in art class?

He passed it with flying colors.




/heyo

Why is studying statistics hard to do in Afghanistan?

because of the tally-ban

What does a Jewish man do in a brewery?

He brew.

What did you do in the war?

USSR, september, 1945. A teacher asks his class what were they doing during the war. Little Masha said she was helping nurses in a hospital, little Boris says he worked in a factory. Little Vova said he was helping artillerists by bringing them shells. Amazed, the teacher asks if the soldiers ever s...

What do animal poachers do in their spare time?

They go clubbing.

[Racist Humor] What do you do in a crowd of Hindus?

Connect the Dots

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

What do weight lifter's do in the shower?

Clean and Jerk

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

What does a hipster Jew do in his free time?

He brews.

What's Sarah Palin's favorite thing to do in the summertime?

Parah Salin.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

What do they do in West Virginia for Halloween?

Pump Kin

What does Sherlock Holmes do in the toilet?

He de-deuces.

What do Trees do in Autumn?

Take a Leaf of absence.

What do you do in the bathroom if you are trying to waste time?

Stall

I asked a Jewish person what they do in their spare time

Apparently Hebrews.

What do fat girls do in the summertime?

Stink.

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