UPJOKE
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What does Beethoven do in his grave?

He decomposes

My wife asked what I thought our daughter was going to do in college...

"Crash and burn. It's a double major."

What do you do in case of fallout?

Put it back and take shorter strokes

What are you going to do in the weekend?

"I'm going to buy glasses."

"And then what?"

"Then I'll see."

What Do Ghosts Do In Their Free Time?

Exorcise

What do zombies do in church?

Prey.

A list of things that helicopters do in movies

1. explode
2.

What do rainbows do in prison?

They refract on what they have done.

My friends think that your name represents what you should do in life. Dina worked to find a dinosaur fossil, and Jack became a lumberjack,

We don’t talk about Cliff.

I've got some new jokes which I can only do in sign language...

I guarantee you, no one has ever heard them before.

What I had to do in Texas...

This is a pretty old one, but I figure it's worth telling just in case people on this sub haven't heard it.

In a typical wild west desert town, a typical rugged cowboy/drifter type rides his horse up to a saloon, then ties it to the post and saunters in for a drink. While he's drinking, some...

I never plan anything I do in my life.

I don't want any of my crimes to be considered "premeditated ".

What do farmers do in Alabama?

Pump kin

If you're in the UK, you go poo in the loo. So what do you do in the bathroom in Miami?

Cocaine

What does an archeologist do in alabama?

Relative dating

"What do you wish to do in the future?" asks the teacher.

Pete: "I want to be a pilot"

Tommy: "I want to be a doctor"

Margaret: "I want to be a good mother"

Frank: "I want to help Margaret"

I'm writing a book about all the things I really ought to do in my life.

It's my oughtobiography.

What does Mozart do in his grave?

Decompose

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: My wife said she wanted to have sex like they do in the movies...

So I pushed her against the wall, grabbed her hair from behind and drilled her up the shitter. Turns out we watch different movies.

What do Smash Mouth do in Physics class?

Sum bodies

What does a virus need to do in order to reach more people?

It needs to strain itself.

What kind of farts does Sigourney Weaver do in the bath?

Ripley ones.

What do witches do in the bathroom?

Bippity-boppity-poo.

When you get to be a certain age, there are two things you definitely don’t want to do in the same week...

Upgrade your prescription glasses and buy a full-length mirror!

What does an agnostic dyslexic insomniac do in the evening?

Stays up all night pondering if there really is a Dog...

How did the terminal cancer patient do in school?

He passed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a man with Alzheimers do in his free time?

Upvote the same fucking joke for the 5th time on r/jokes .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it that most women do in their daily lives but is considered a tragedy when Adolf Hitler did?

Remove Polish using chemicals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said, "We should make love like they do in the movies."

So I shoved my dick in her ass and came on her face.

She got upset. Apparently we watch different movies.

What does a mechanic do in a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me to make love to her like they do in the movies.

So I stuck it up her arse and then came on her face while shouting "TAKE THAT, BITCH!".

From the look on her face I'd hazard a guess that we don't watch the same films.

What do sheep like to do in the summer?

Have a baa-baa-cue!

What does a nun do in her free time?

Thats nun of your business.

How did Jesus do in the construction test today?

He nailed it!

"What's the most complex thing you can do in your kitchen?"

"My wife"

What do they do in Alabama when their car breaks down?

Build a house next to it.

I heard that quitting smoking is one of the most empowering things you can do in life

I didn't want to miss out, so I took up smoking.

What do fishermen do in their free time?

They master bait

"What do you do in your free time? " "I stalk. "

"Really? I go swimming and for long hikes"

"I know.".

What’s the most difficult thing to do in private?

Stub your toe.

What a murderer do in a delivery room?

Spawn camp

What to do in jail

If I ever get arrested, I'm gonna rename myself to "Mitochondria"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"How did you do in the porno auditions?"

"Well, I got some small parts."

"Ah, well that certainly doesn't help, does it?"

 

^[OC]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets married and has no clue what to do in bed

So asks a friend for advice and he says:
Do what ever she does and you will figure it out naturally .


At night his wife comes to bed and starts undressing,
and based on friend advice he does the same.

Then she starts touching her breasts and biting her lips and he mimics he...

My wife wanted to make love ‘like they do in the movies’

So I hired a film crew

Made love to my wife last night, just like they do in the movies

I was fast, she was furious

Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...

...unless you are donating blood.

What did the teacher tell the orange to do in class?

Concentrate

Girl: What do you like to do in your free time?

Guy: I spy on people.

Girl: Really? I like to take long walks in the park and go to the movies with my friends.

Guy: I know.

How did the communist do in school?

He got good Marx

What did Tom hanks do in the woods?

He took a forrest dump.

What does an abusive father do in his spare time?

Beats me

Age is just a number. On my 40th birthday, I went to the high school track to see what I could do in the mile run, and I set a new personal best!

Half a mile!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's an asexual person's favorite thing to do in the bedroom?

Fuckin' nothin'.

What do vehicles do in discos?

They brake-dance

What did Jesus do in Mississippi?

He turned Muddy Waters into wine.

What did Micheal Jackson do in the bathroom?

He took a pee hee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We all know that if you assume in the USA it makes and ass out of u and me. But what does assuming do in China?

Makes an ass out of u and Ming

Why is studying statistics hard to do in Afghanistan?

because of the tally-ban

How well did Jackson Pollock do in art class?

He passed it with flying colors.




/heyo

What does a dalek do in the shower

*ex-fo-li-ate*

I have a lot of work to do in the morgue today.

There's a new deadline I need to meet.

What did the man who blamed his nasal congestion on the federal reserve do in response?

Sudafed

What do penguins do in a race?

They peng-win

My daughter asked, "What was your favorite thing to do in your 20's in Oklahoma?"

"Leave."

What did you do in the war?

USSR, september, 1945. A teacher asks his class what were they doing during the war. Little Masha said she was helping nurses in a hospital, little Boris says he worked in a factory. Little Vova said he was helping artillerists by bringing them shells. Amazed, the teacher asks if the soldiers ever s...

What do animal poachers do in their spare time?

They go clubbing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a God do in a toilet?

Holy Shit!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can't believe the crazy shit people do in church

I was attending a church service today when the person next lit up a cigarette, I couldn't believe it, I almost dropped my beer

What does Michael Jordan do in Krispy Kreme?

Dunk in Donuts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do they do in West Virginia for Halloween?

Pump Kin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do weight lifter's do in the shower?

Clean and Jerk

What does a Jewish man do in a brewery?

He brew.

How did Lenin do in his school tests?

He had full Marx

What's Sarah Palin's favorite thing to do in the summertime?

Parah Salin.

What do Trees do in Autumn?

Take a Leaf of absence.

[Racist Humor] What do you do in a crowd of Hindus?

Connect the Dots

What do you do in 5 minutes that you then suffer for for 9 months?

A school application.

What do you do in the bathroom if you are trying to waste time?

Stall

What does Sherlock Holmes do in the toilet?

He de-deuces.

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