What's Vlad the Impaler's favorite joke?

So this bar goes into a guy...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why would Vlad the Impaler not have been a good Redditor?

He created too many shit posts.

We went to visit my brother in hospital because he had crashed his motorbike into a tree and impaled himself onto a tree branch i asked the doctor "How is he?"...

The doctor said "He's not out of the woods yet"....

Did you know that Vlad the Impaler was a very successful racing instructor?

He brought thousands into the pole position.

What did Vlad the Impaler's victims cried to him during torture?

"Vladislav, baby don't hurt me. Don't hurt me, no more"

What do you call sweet, little girls impaled on a pike?

Loli-pops

What do you get when you cross Henry VIII and Vlad the Impaler?

Executed.

I got impaled by a deer today:

It was a massive fawn in my side

You never want to play poker with Vlad the Impaler

A lot is at stake

Impaler?

....I hardly know her.

A Spartan, a Samurai and a Skald are summoned for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung. The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his spear. Shang Tsung laughs and s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vlad the Impaler must have really hated strict people

Because most of his enemies had a stick up their ass...

Why was Vlad the Impaler like reddt?

Because if you survived the impaling you were sure to get reposted.

An elephant hunter was impaled by the tusk of the elephant he was trying to kill

Oh the Ivory.

Say what you will about Vlad the Impaler

He was one hell of a proctologist.

My ex girlfirend

My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head.


"The Impaler" was my favourite.


Well, at least, that's what I thought she said....


Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.

Once upon a time in a far away land...

There's a triangular lake, with three kingdoms on each side of the triangle.

The first kingdom is very rich, and the people are content. It has a very competent army, with a squire for every knight, and a total of twenty thousand knights. There is no hunger in the land.

The second kin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My father ladies and gentlemen...

So, when we were younger we used to run a single line off the back of one of the snowmobiles, put a splitter on her with two lengths of ski rope about 25' long, gear up with helmets and suits, and throw two guys on on those flying saucers, (you know, like the ones on National Lampoon's Vacation) and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Emotions NSFW

3 dummies decide to go to a party. They arrive at the party and are promptly turned away because it’s a costume party and they are not wearing costumes. Determined to go to the party they go looking for props to make costumes. In the back alley they find a pile of painting supplies, brushes, rollers...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up after a plane crash

he finds himself on a beach with nothing around but palm trees, sand and the noise of the water hitting the sand bay.

Despite his pain in every single part of his body, he manages to get up and walk along the beach. Some airplane parts are lying around too and slowly the man realises, he must...

Want to know another creepy coincidence?

Jack the Ripper, Vlad the Impaler, and Winnie the Pooh all share the same middle name. Stay safe, my friends!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three soldiers are in a plane.

Three soldiers are in a plane. A gruff veteran who has seen many wars, a young but effective field officer, and a new recruit. The plane crashes on a island of cannibals the cannibals says they will skin them eat them then use their skins for canoes.

Although because they respect military me...

A man and woman fell in love...

Things were going well at first, but friction developed and their relationship started heading down hill.

One night during a fight, he tried to break the tension by going in for a kiss. She grabbed a nearby hat rack to block his maneuver and accidentally impaled his head on one of the hooks, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men went into the jungle

And were caught by a tribe of cannibals. The three men started pleading for their lives, and the chief, pitying them, gave them a chance.

Chief : Alright, I will offer you a chance to save yourselves. Each of you will go out into the forest accompanied by our men, and you will bring back 10 o...

Little Johnny was sitting in Geometry class

The teacher asks the class: "If a whale is swimming in the ocean at 314 miles per hour and the ocean impales it with a harpoon, what is the mass of the whale?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and says "That's impossible! What do you mean the ocean impaled it?"

"Well, it doesn't r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new emotion

So one Halloween a group of friends decided to throw a small costume party with the theme being you need to dress as an emotion. The party begins and everyone is enjoying themselves until they realize that Darryl hasn't shown up yet. The doorbell rings and in walks Darryl stark naked with nothing bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

X-men get captured.

Wolverine, Cyclops, and Magneto are captured by Mr. Sinister. As they regain consciousness they realize they are naked with their testicles in a vibranium clamp hanging from a vibranium chain that is slowly being lifted to the ceiling. As they realize they are about to be painfully suspended only by...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Emotion Party (rated M for mature themes)

Jim wanted to spice things up for his 25th birthday party and decided that it should be an Emotion Party. He instructed his guests to come dressed as an emotion.

The first guest to arrive was dressed in green and snarled at Jim.

"I've come as Envy!" the guest declared.

The sec...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.