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Assassinate Jokes

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said "I ...

The Spanish assassin

There was once a hitman who was known for his skill and stealth. Nobody really knew his identity, except for the fact that he always used to count to three before shooting his victim.

One time, a mob leader wanted a hit on a rival leader, so he hired him. He said "I want the kill to be clean,...

How do you use medicine to assassinate an aunt?

Anti-Venom

Okay, so you want her alive, how do you just stop her fawning over you?

Anti-Dote

If someone tries to assassinate Trump what will the secret service shout?

"Donald, duck"

Three students at the CIA Academy were about to graduate.

The instructor called them into a room and said to the first one,

“Take this gun and go into the next room. I want you to assassinate whomever you find there. If you don’t do this, you don’t graduate.”

The man took the gun and went into the next room, where he found his wife. Taking o...

I'm gonna assassinate the prime Minister and I need help from you guys

Shoot me a pm if interested

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

In other news, the president's non-binary spouse has been assassinated

The suspect's family claims he was inspired by First-Person Shooters

I still remember the exact moment when I found out that JFK was assassinated.

On the internet, checking out his Wikipedia page.

What can you say when you are about to assassinate someone but are very busy?

Ambushed.

I’m still working on this one

What did the Russian dictator say to his guards when spies came to assassinate him

Stalem

What do you call it when a government official assassinates a citizen?

A Car Crash

Why was Abraham Lincoln assassinated?

Because he was sitting in John Wilke's Booth!



I thought of this like 10 years ago, and I believe it is a quality joke of which nobody I have told has heard, and a handful of social studies teachers through school were impressed with. One of my prouder moments. lol

The media keeps trying to assassinate the character of Donald Trump and I think it is a waste of time...

You can't assassinate what isn't there.

Everyone knows JFK was assassinated

That's a no brainer

What would have happened had it been Khrushchev instead of Kennedy that was assassinated?

Dunno about politics, but I'm really sure Onassis would not have married the widow.

I assassinated my friend...

I gave Miguel a cigar and lit the end. When it began to fizzle, he looked at me, puzzled.

"What brand of cigar does this?" he asked.

I answered, "Red Herring, of course."

And his chair exploded.

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