What did the dispatcher say after he received a call about two men sucking each other off on a bus?

I’ve got reports of two men exchanging blows

I worked as an Emergency Dispatcher, and Im happy to announce

911 was an inside job!

A police officer radioed the station for backup

Officer: Looks like that domestic disturbance is a homicide, old lady murdered her husband for tracking dirt on a floor she just mopped.

Dispatch: have you arrested her?

Officer: Not yet. The floor isn't dry.

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The Stretcher

A man is blazing down a highway in a brand new Ferrari when after crossing a bridge he notices a cop behind him. He pulls over and the cop is about to write a hefty ticket until he approaches the car:

Cop - Dispatch, we have a grand theft auto. Please send backup

Driver - HEY OFFICER! ...

The CIA is recruiting three people for a top secret mission. (Long)

Their selection comes down to one final test.

The candidates are brought to a remote, undisclosed location and given a loaded firearm. They receive instructions to walk into an adjacent room and kill the person they see sitting there.

Candidate 1, a highly decorated veteran agent wit...

A seer was recruited to help a party of heroes break into a ruined dungeon

The other heroes knew that his knowledge of the arcane would help them to understand and predict the nefarious traps that were sure to beset them within the darkened tunnels.



The dungeon's architect had laid it out as a chess board, and the party moved one by one along the squares. Th...

I used to work in a pub next to a hospital

and this guy walked in one day with his hospital gown on and holding a drip on a stand that was still connected to his veins. I asked him how I could help? and bizarrely he said can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, and 6 shots of tequila. It’s ...

What did the police dispatcher say when a short psychic woman escaped from prison?

Calling all units, we have a small medium at large

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Three warriors and a female troll enter the Colosseum.

The first, wielding a sword, attacked the massive lady-beast head on but was quickly dispatched. The 2nd, wielding a flail was picked up and thrown across the arena like a toy. The 3rd warrior knew he could not defeat the troll by conventional means and with that, he charged at the troll as fast as ...

A police officer and a hot blonde

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for spee...

The Queen of England is due to arrive at a state dinner in Washington D.C.

Her plane was delayed due to weather and she was 40 minutes late.

Traffic was light and she thought she could make up the time, but the driver was the slowest she ever had.

“Could you drive a bit faster,” she asked.

“No, your highness. I cannot speed.”

“I am in a bit of ...

We call the offices to register Births, Marriages and Death's in our town....

Hatch em, Match em and Dispatch em.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She frantically telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcasts the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of th...

Dave has an awesome job

Dave was commissioned to drive the Pope to the airport within the hour. Unfortunately, being a new driver, he got lost.

"It's all right, my son. I used to drive these streets in my youth. We'll get there in time."

The Pope took the wheel with Dave sitting in the back seat. He drove lik...

An elderly woman called 911...

An elderly woman called 911 from her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.

"They've stolen everything! My radio is gone, my center console is gone, my mirror and the rosary beads hanging from it...even the steering wheel!"

The dispatcher responds that an officer is o...

Two men were hiking in the woods when one of the guys faint

His buddy calls 911 and says "My friend just died, what should I do?!"

The dispatcher says : " Stay calm and I am calling help right now. First we have to make sure your friend is dead." And the line suddenly becomes silent. The dispatcher continues to ask "Hello, are you still there?"
...

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How much work is sex?

A pilot and his co-pilot are walking up to their airplane, getting ready to start their shift. The mechanic is wrapping up some final things on his check list so that they could dispatch. Said mechanic can see that the pilot and co-pilot are arguing about something. Suddenly the pilot interrupts the...

An old lady calls 911 late one night...

So an old lady calls 911 late one night. The dispatcher answers "911, what is your emergency?"

"There appear to be two men rummaging through my shed."

"A breaking and entering? We'll have an officer over in an hour."

"An hour? But they won't be here in an hour. They're breaking ...

Two thieves are rooting through a farmer's shed

The farmer sneaks up on the shed and locks the door from the outside trapping the two thieves inside. So he calls the OPP (Ontario Provincial Police) and tells them he has the two thieves locked in his shed and to come and arrest them. The dispatch says that they are really busy and will get there...

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A woman frantically calls 9-1-1 and says, "There's a Democrat jerking off on my lawn!"

The dispatcher says, "OK ma'am, I've got a squad car on the way ... but tell me, how do you know he's a Democrat?"

She says, "Well if he was a Republican, wouldn't he be fucking someone?"

*(rearrange political parties to your own preference)*

A woman hears a noise

She thinks it's and intruder and decides to call the cops. The dispatch officer asks her if she saw anything. She replies she only heard it but that she is sure someone is in her house because she can hear footsteps. The dispatch said that they would send the next available officer but that they wer...

A guy calls the police to report that someone broke into his house and stole his toilet.

The dispatcher asks him "Do you know who did this?" The guy says no. Dispatcher asks "What did they look like?" Guy says he doesn't know, he wasn't home. Dispatcher asks "When did this happen?" The guy says "I don't know, I just got back from a month long sabbatical an hour ago. It was gone when I g...

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The high-speed Prius.

There is a broken Toyota Prius on the side of an American highway.

Suddenly, a Bugatti driver pulls up next to the Prius and offers to tow the hybrid to the nearest repair shop. The Toyota owner agrees. They also agree on that the Prius driver will flash his high beams when he'll want to slow...

A very rich, materialistic man is sitting and thinking.

He has many luxurious things - everything inside and out, huge mansion, massive watch collection, extensive antique display, and most importantly, a gallery of luxury cars.

He, in high spirits, decides to add to his car collection and buys a brand new Lamborghini Huracan. Then, he spends the ...

I heard a funny noise in my shed, so I called the police.

“Hello”, I said, “I think someone is in my shed stealing stuff".

“Do you have anything valuable in the shed”, the dispatcher asked.

“Well, just my tools, the kid's bike and the lawn mower.” I said.

“Sorry”, she said, “we’ve got no one available at the moment. Someone will be ...

A police officer called his station back on Radio.

He was at a murder scene where an old woman shot her husband for stepping on just mopped floor.

Dispatch: So was an Arrest made ?

Officer: Not yet.

Dispatch: ?

Officer: The floor is still wet.

A woman was pulled over for speeding...

When the officer reaches the vehicle he informs the woman that she was driving more than double the speed limit and asks to see her license and registration. The woman refuses to produce them and, when asked why, states that she doesn't have a license or registration and that the vehicle is stolen. ...

An elderly couple...

An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.

Then they heard voices.

Three men had broken into the greenhouse.

Scared, they called the police.

The dispatcher replied, he would send ...

The Pope is visiting the US when suddenly...

... the phone rings in his room; there is an emergency in the Vatican and he needs to return immediately.

So the Pope has arrangements made for the first available flight back to Rome and a taxi cab.

The cab -unfortunately- takes ages to arrive and time is starting to run short.
...

A man called the police to report a burglar

A man called the police to report a burglar in his back yard shed. The dispatcher responded "we don't have anyone available right now but when some one is free, we'll send them your way" and then they hung up.

The man waited 5 minutes and called back. "Hi. I called earlier about the burgla...

Motorist help. (Long)

A man is standing on a Texas roadside with his broken VW Beetle.

A man in a Lamborghini pulls over and offers to help him. The Beetle owner agrees, and the guy from the Lambo tells him to flash his high beams if they are going too fast.

So they go. At some point, the Lambo+Beetle comb...

The blonde girl panicked when she got stuck inside her car as her doors wouldn't open.

She quickly dialed 911 and cried, "I'm in the Orlando Mall parking lot, my doors won't open and its getting to be a hot day!"

The dispatcher sent a squad car and soon the police were searching about the parking lot looking for her car.

The operator asked, "The officer wants to know wha...

Dumb blonde

A dumb blonde calls the fire department because her home is on fire.

"Help me, help me! My house is on fire!" she says.

"Ok, how do we get to your home". replies the dispatcher.

"DUH! Big red truck!"

A man phones 999...

And shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the dispatcher asked.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just adore this one from Arthur Koestler.

Under the reign of the second emperor of the Ming Dynasty there lived an executioner by the name of Wang Lun. He was a master of his art and his fame spread through all of the provinces of the Empire. There were many executions in those days, and sometimes as many as fifteen or twenty men to be behe...

Santa's Flight Readiness Review

It is a little known fact that even Santa must keep his pilot's license
current in order to make his deliveries every year. And so, the old man
wasn't too surprised when he got a letter from the FAA informing him that
an examiner would be appearing shortly to run him through the usual
r...

Hello 911, I need your help!

Dispatcher: OK what is it sir?

Me: Two girls are fighting over me...

Dispatcher: So, what's your emergency

Me: The ugly one is winning!!!

Dispatcher: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends went on a hike...

when suddenly one of the friends needed to go pee.

While he was peeing a snake jumped out and bit the guy on the penis. He called his friend to come and help.

They two friends did not know what to do so they called 911.

The 911 dispatcher explained that the helicopter was on ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Mexicans riding a bicycle

Two Mexicans are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Lafayette , LA. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the trailer if th...

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in  the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed...

Dude: "Hey Alexa, set a daily alarm for 420pm"

Alexa: "Police car dispatched"

A Moldy Oldie

Complaining of his marriage for thirty-odd years

He highballed his eyeballs, comforting his tears

The barkeep asked, what's troubling you son?

He poured out his life; I'm finished! I'm done!

The woman I married has turned into a nag

What I wouldn't give to be rid o...

The Indian Chief thought that it was going to be a bad winter

so he sent all the braves out to collect wood. As he watched them return laden with timber from the forest he suddenly felt that he ought to check his forecast so he phoned the local met office.

"Tell me, is it going to be a bad winter?"

"Yes" said the forecaster " it will be a bad one...

The Pope wants to drive

The Pope gets into his limousine and his driver asks him where he wants to go just like any other day.

The Pope replies: "Today I want to drive. You're always driving me and I never got to drive in my life. Let me drive."

The driver then replies, "But your holiness, I can take you any...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Ambassador to England

Just after the war of 1812, an ambassador to England from the United States had been dispatched in order to maintain the peace with the English. The diplomat was invited to a formal dinner with many important members of the English Government as they discussed peace talks and opening diplomacy.
...

"911, what is your emergency?"

The voice coming through the dispatcher's headset was that of a young man, clearly in a state of panic. "Ma'am, you gotta help me! I was hunting in the woods with my buddy, and all of a sudden he just turned blue and fell over! I think he's dead! What am I gonna do? You gotta help me!"

"All r...

Three guys talking in a bar ...

Their names are Somebody, Nobody, and Crazy. All three are having a political discussion and things start to heat up between Somebody and Nobody. Crazy fails to calm them down. Then this escalate and Nobody picks up a bottle and smashes it in the table then holds the broken bottle up to somebody's n...

Police dog

One evening, a deputy in the canine division was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building open. He let the dog out of his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek. Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging t...

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