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Dispatch Jokes

Two guys out hunting, one has a heart attack and falls dead.

Second guy calls 911.



Hunter: My friend just died of a heart attack!



Dispatcher: Calm down, first make absolutely sure he's dead.



Hunter: Okay hold on... \*BANG\* Okay now what?

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

a policeman calls for backup

Dispatch, we've got a homicide here. Looks like This old lady just shot her husband. She claims it was because he kept tracking dirt over her freshly mopped floors. Over

Understood, is the suspect in custody? Over.

No dispatch. The floor isn't dry yet.

A General was dispatched to the Kremlin I order to give Putin an update on the situation in Ukraine.

When he got there, he was met at the door by a Marshall, who pulled him aside and whispered “The President is a very busy man, and he only has the time for a single word from you, so think it over, and choose your word wisely!”

So the general mulled it over, as he nervously awaited his call. ...

A group of police officers are sitting outside a woman's house after she murdered her husband

One calls dispatch and says "we got a woman armed with a knife in here and she just killed her husband."

Dispatch says "do you know why she killed her husband?"

The officer replies "yeah, she told him not to step on the floor right after she mopped, and he stepped on it anyway"

...

An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she's going to kill him.

The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again. He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room. She does as promised. Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.

Then she calls 911 ...

Jill sees a gorilla in a tree in her yard

So she calls the police informing them of what she has seen. The dispatch informed her to use the phone book to find a gorilla catcher near her.

Sure enough there is a section of gorilla catchers. So she calls and one arrives at her property. Bob shows up with handcuffs, pit bull, and a shot...

What did the emergency dispatcher say when they were asked if they worked indoors or outdoors?

"911 is an inside job"

an Amazon native can predict the weather

Engineers were preparing to build a highway in the middle of the Amazon forest when a native rocked up and told them to seek shelter because there would be heavy rain in 2 hours. The engineers looked up at the clear sky, didn't heed the man's prediction and continued with their work. In exactly 2 ho...

A woman hears a noise late at night and sees someone in her shed when she looks out the window

She calls the police and reports a prowler. They say they will send an officer to investigate. Twenty minutes later the police have not shown up and the man is now loading items he is stealing into a van parked in the driveway. She calls the police back and asks where the cops are.

The dispa...

A guy is driving somewhere in Tennessee

He is riding along and a hog runs into the street and gets hit. The man is shocked, so he gets out and calls the police.

"Hi I need to report that I just hit a pig in the road." He says nervously, unsure of what to do. The other person on the phone asks for the location and he gives it to the...

A police dispatcher is taking a call from the scene of a domestic disturbance...

Officer on scene: We're at 1120 Elm Street. A woman has just shot her husband for walking on her freshly mopped floor.

Dispatch: Have you apprehended the suspect?

Officer: Negative; the floor is still wet.

Dave wanted to go hunting for the first time by himself, yet he was afraid that he would get lost.

"I've got an idea!" Dave said. "I'll take this bottle of Jack Daniels with me." (Jack Daniels is a brand alcohol for those of you that don't know.)

He goes on his hunting trip, and before you know it, he gets lost.

Days later, a search party was dispatched to find Dave, but a week pass...

Jamie's house was ransacked and burglarized.

Returning home from work, Jamie was shocked to find that the house had been ransacked and burglarized.

After telephoning the police, the dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with ...

A tomato and a cucumber bounce into a bar.

"Larry and I have been wanting to become human for a while now," the tomato says to the bartender. "But none of the other bars in town have drinks that will turn us into humans. Do you have such a drink?"

"I think I do," says the bartender. "Let me see if I have it."

"This is gonna be ...

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I was running late to the first match of the cricket season.

As the opener, I just had time to throw on the pads and head out to the non-strikers end.

To my amazement my opening partner with the strike was a horse.

I watched as the first ball was bowled, a nice length, which the horse easily dispatched back over the bowlers head for a 6.
...

The doctor had finished his examination of the patient and was ready to give his professional advice. "Quit smoking and drinking, go to bed early every night and get up at the crack of dawn" he said. "That's the best thing for you"

"Frankly Doc" the patient answered, "I don't deserve the best. What's second best?"


Citation: "Our Town" in White Plains, N.Y., Reporter dispatch (Reader' Digest Treasury of Wit and Humour 1958)

Calling 9-1-1

A guy walks into a bar after a long day of work to relax and have a beer. Unfortunately there is a big group of young men crowded into the bar laughing loudly and carrying on. Finally, in exasperation, the guy calls 9-1-1. "Hello, 911, what is your emergency?" the dispatcher asks. "These men won’t ...

First day as a cop:

Newbie cop: Suspect is dancing naked on the plaza, I repeat, suspect is dancing naked

Dispatch: Roger, copy that

Newbie cop: ...I can try but I'm not much of a dancer?..

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Tales from the front line

Back in my Army days (mid 80s) we were on a winter training exercise with the medical battalion. Our platoon was assigned the job of being casualties for the treatment company.

They assigned us our roles told us what injuries we were supposed to have sustained then dispatched us out in the Bu...

A man awakens in the middle of the night to find that his house was being robbed.

He calls up the local police to ask for someone to help stop them.

"Help, my house is being robbed!" He says to the dispatcher.

"We're sorry, but there are no cars available to help you right now. Please lock yourself in your room and we will send an officer by in the morning to take a...

Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"

Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"

Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"

Translated - hope it makes sense to you guys :)

A police officer was dispatched to the house of an elderly couple when the neighbors heard gunshots

Shortly after arriving the officer called into the station to update the sergeant
Officer: "well sergeant, the old woman shot her husband because he walked through the kitchen while she was mopping the floor."
Sergeant: "did you arrest her?"
Officer: "no sir"
Sergeant: "why not?"
Offi...

A man gets woken up by intruders in his house.

He phones the police and says "There's people robbing my house, please send help".

They dispatcher says there's no cars or police available.

The man hangs up and phones back 2 minutes later.

"I just shot the guys. They're both here with bullets in them"

2 minutes later, p...

A Blonde in a Fire

One day a blonde woman is in her house and she smells smoke then her fire detector goes off. She quick runs to the phone to dial 911. She explains to the dispatcher her situation. The dispatcher asked her “how do we get there?” The blonde replies “in a big red truck, duh.”

The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in the room 222

Close to 17:00 he calls the room service from the landline and says the following.

tu ti, tu tututu

The attendant has a hard time understating that request and considering that it is the president, not just some normal customer, comes to the conclusion that he must have overheard an en...

A man goes into a town he's never seen before

He finds someone to give him a tour, but as he's lead around the town, everything is so strange. Finally, the tour guide brings him to a big building. "This is the train station" he says. The man from out of town says "Finally something normal". But when he goes in there's just a bunch of drawers. H...

A constable receives notification about a theft from McGregor's farm near Nottingham. The dispatcher tells him that farmer McGregor reports the theft of 2033 pigs...

The constable starts writing the report, but decides to double-check the exact amount of the pigs. He calls McGregor and asks: "Mr McGregor, are you absolutely sure that there were 2033 pigs stolen?"


"Oh, yeth, conthtable, abtholutely!" McGregor answers.


The constable thanks hi...

A cop was patrolling a neighborhood after receiving a call from dispatch about suspicious activity.

He stopped a man walking past and asked, "Seen anything unusual?"

"I saw a dolphin wearing a hat once," said the man.

"I meant around here," the cop said annoyed.

*"Nah man, they live in the water."*

A transport ship goes down....

A transport ship goes down in the middle of the Atlantic quickly enough that no distress signal get sent. After the ship had been overdue for a ten days, a rescue is dispatched. Five days after that, the come across an island and send men ashore. There, they find four women lounging in emergency ten...

Dave has an awesome job

Dave was commissioned to drive the Pope to the airport within the hour. Unfortunately, being a new driver, he got lost.

"It's all right, my son. I used to drive these streets in my youth. We'll get there in time."

The Pope took the wheel with Dave sitting in the back seat. He drove lik...

An old lady calls 911 late one night...

So an old lady calls 911 late one night. The dispatcher answers "911, what is your emergency?"

"There appear to be two men rummaging through my shed."

"A breaking and entering? We'll have an officer over in an hour."

"An hour? But they won't be here in an hour. They're breaking ...

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HOW I DEALT WITH A TELESALES CALL!

How I dealt with a telesales call recently. My landline rings with caller display showing 0800. as soon as I pick the phone up and before they speak,

"This is a secured government line, how have you got this number? Do not attempt to hang up and stay at your station while the call is traced. ...

The United States, China and Russia are attending a military exercise competition

To see which army is the strongest, the United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests.the one spent least time and sent least soldiers wins.
On day one, the U.S. Army go first. They spent half a day meeting to formulate a battle plan, strictly divide the labor, and then sent a hundred spe...

A speeding blonde.

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'...

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There's a little known legend about the Brothers Grimm: they wanted to write a story to rival The Ugly Duckling. For 'research' purposes, they bought a hundred ducks and released them into a cave..

..planning to return years later to document their behavior. Unfortunately both passed away before that, and the project was forgotten.


This information came to light hundreds of years later in 2>!XXX!<, during an investigation into strange quacking noises and numerous missing p...

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The Stretcher

A man is blazing down a highway in a brand new Ferrari when after crossing a bridge he notices a cop behind him. He pulls over and the cop is about to write a hefty ticket until he approaches the car:

Cop - Dispatch, we have a grand theft auto. Please send backup

Driver - HEY OFFICER! ...

A bar was hosting the ‘Unbeatable’ bucking bronco with a $1000 prize for anyone that lasted more than 7 seconds without being bucked off

The night had seen all comers dispatched off the bull with ease, when a scrawny little man stepped up.

The bull started its revolutions - 1, 2, 3, 4 seconds - most expected him to come off.

5, 6 seconds - the crowd takes notice and starts cheering him on as he hangs on for dear life. <...

A German Coast Guard was working his first shift as a radio dispatcher when a boat got into trouble.

Sailor: Mayday, Mayday! Can anybody hear me?

Operator: Ah hallo. Zis is ze German Coast Guard. I can hear you.

Sailor: This is Mayday! We are sinking! I repeat. We are sinking!!

Operator: Ah, Okay. So... vot are you sinking about?

The CIA is recruiting three people for a top secret mission. (Long)

Their selection comes down to one final test.

The candidates are brought to a remote, undisclosed location and given a loaded firearm. They receive instructions to walk into an adjacent room and kill the person they see sitting there.

Candidate 1, a highly decorated veteran agent wit...

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Two friends are out hiking...

Bob and Larry are out hiking when Bob has to take a leak. He unzips and starts peeing against a tree when a snake bites him right on the penis. He's affected immediately and starts convulsing in pain.

Larry calls 911 and says, "Help me! My best friend in the whole world just got bitten by a s...

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Three Japanese men die in a horrible bus accident and go to the gates of heaven. St. Peter stops them at the gate, eyes them suspiciously and says "Boys, most Japanese practice Shinto or Buddhism. You're actually Christians?"

The three indignantly protest that they were raised in Christian families and have practiced the religion their entire lives. St. Peter says: "Ok, I'm going to ask you one question. If you get the one question correct, you will get to go into heaven." Excited about not going to hell, the three Japan...

A woman was pulled over for speeding...

When the officer reaches the vehicle he informs the woman that she was driving more than double the speed limit and asks to see her license and registration. The woman refuses to produce them and, when asked why, states that she doesn't have a license or registration and that the vehicle is stolen. ...

A very rich, materialistic man is sitting and thinking.

He has many luxurious things - everything inside and out, huge mansion, massive watch collection, extensive antique display, and most importantly, a gallery of luxury cars.

He, in high spirits, decides to add to his car collection and buys a brand new Lamborghini Huracan. Then, he spends the ...

A truck carrying Worcestershire sauce overturns

Dispatcher: What seems to be the problem?

Officer: It's hard to say.

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The high-speed Prius.

There is a broken Toyota Prius on the side of an American highway.

Suddenly, a Bugatti driver pulls up next to the Prius and offers to tow the hybrid to the nearest repair shop. The Toyota owner agrees. They also agree on that the Prius driver will flash his high beams when he'll want to slow...

Two men were hiking in the woods when one of the guys faint

His buddy calls 911 and says "My friend just died, what should I do?!"

The dispatcher says : " Stay calm and I am calling help right now. First we have to make sure your friend is dead." And the line suddenly becomes silent. The dispatcher continues to ask "Hello, are you still there?"
...

The Pope is visiting the US when suddenly...

... the phone rings in his room; there is an emergency in the Vatican and he needs to return immediately.

So the Pope has arrangements made for the first available flight back to Rome and a taxi cab.

The cab -unfortunately- takes ages to arrive and time is starting to run short.
...

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A seer was recruited to help a party of heroes break into a ruined dungeon

The other heroes knew that his knowledge of the arcane would help them to understand and predict the nefarious traps that were sure to beset them within the darkened tunnels.



The dungeon's architect had laid it out as a chess board, and the party moved one by one along the squares. Th...

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A woman frantically calls 9-1-1 and says, "There's a Democrat jerking off on my lawn!"

The dispatcher says, "OK ma'am, I've got a squad car on the way ... but tell me, how do you know he's a Democrat?"

She says, "Well if he was a Republican, wouldn't he be fucking someone?"

*(rearrange political parties to your own preference)*

The Queen of England is due to arrive at a state dinner in Washington D.C.

Her plane was delayed due to weather and she was 40 minutes late.

Traffic was light and she thought she could make up the time, but the driver was the slowest she ever had.

“Could you drive a bit faster,” she asked.

“No, your highness. I cannot speed.”

“I am in a bit of ...

An elderly woman called 911...

An elderly woman called 911 from her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.

"They've stolen everything! My radio is gone, my center console is gone, my mirror and the rosary beads hanging from it...even the steering wheel!"

The dispatcher responds that an officer is o...

An elderly couple...

An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.

Then they heard voices.

Three men had broken into the greenhouse.

Scared, they called the police.

The dispatcher replied, he would send ...

I used to work in a pub next to a hospital

and this guy walked in one day with his hospital gown on and holding a drip on a stand that was still connected to his veins. I asked him how I could help? and bizarrely he said can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, and 6 shots of tequila. It’s ...

The king

Once there was a great tribal king. Fearlessly, he led his troops into battle. He settled disputes fairly, and ruled with grace and compassion. And he lived a humble life. No palaces for this king; he lived in a straw hut just like the rest of his subjects, and shared out the tribes resources so tha...

A woman hears a noise

She thinks it's and intruder and decides to call the cops. The dispatch officer asks her if she saw anything. She replies she only heard it but that she is sure someone is in her house because she can hear footsteps. The dispatch said that they would send the next available officer but that they wer...

The blonde girl panicked when she got stuck inside her car as her doors wouldn't open.

She quickly dialed 911 and cried, "I'm in the Orlando Mall parking lot, my doors won't open and its getting to be a hot day!"

The dispatcher sent a squad car and soon the police were searching about the parking lot looking for her car.

The operator asked, "The officer wants to know wha...

A Moldy Oldie

Complaining of his marriage for thirty-odd years

He highballed his eyeballs, comforting his tears

The barkeep asked, what's troubling you son?

He poured out his life; I'm finished! I'm done!

The woman I married has turned into a nag

What I wouldn't give to be rid o...

Two thieves are rooting through a farmer's shed

The farmer sneaks up on the shed and locks the door from the outside trapping the two thieves inside. So he calls the OPP (Ontario Provincial Police) and tells them he has the two thieves locked in his shed and to come and arrest them. The dispatch says that they are really busy and will get there...

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Two Mexicans riding a bicycle

Two Mexicans are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Lafayette , LA. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the trailer if th...

The Indian Chief thought that it was going to be a bad winter

so he sent all the braves out to collect wood. As he watched them return laden with timber from the forest he suddenly felt that he ought to check his forecast so he phoned the local met office.

"Tell me, is it going to be a bad winter?"

"Yes" said the forecaster " it will be a bad one...

Russian, American and UK special forces were assigned for a contest in the Sahara to bring one Camel to QH.

First the American Navy Seals, they sneak into the desert and after 3 hours they come back with a camel.
The UK SAS dispatch in the scorching desert, after 12 hours they brought a camel.
Russian elite Spetsnaz showing no emotions run into the desert. After 18 hours they came back, and they...

A guy calls the police to report that someone broke into his house and stole his toilet.

The dispatcher asks him "Do you know who did this?" The guy says no. Dispatcher asks "What did they look like?" Guy says he doesn't know, he wasn't home. Dispatcher asks "When did this happen?" The guy says "I don't know, I just got back from a month long sabbatical an hour ago. It was gone when I g...

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I just adore this one from Arthur Koestler.

Under the reign of the second emperor of the Ming Dynasty there lived an executioner by the name of Wang Lun. He was a master of his art and his fame spread through all of the provinces of the Empire. There were many executions in those days, and sometimes as many as fifteen or twenty men to be behe...

We call the offices to register Births, Marriages and Death's in our town....

Hatch em, Match em and Dispatch em.

I heard a funny noise in my shed, so I called the police.

“Hello”, I said, “I think someone is in my shed stealing stuff".

“Do you have anything valuable in the shed”, the dispatcher asked.

“Well, just my tools, the kid's bike and the lawn mower.” I said.

“Sorry”, she said, “we’ve got no one available at the moment. Someone will be ...

I got sacked on my first day as a 911 dispatcher...

I got a call saying "officer down, officer down"

I said "aw, what's up buddy, I'll cheer you up"

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How much work is sex?

A pilot and his co-pilot are walking up to their airplane, getting ready to start their shift. The mechanic is wrapping up some final things on his check list so that they could dispatch. Said mechanic can see that the pilot and co-pilot are arguing about something. Suddenly the pilot interrupts the...

A man called the police to report a burglar

A man called the police to report a burglar in his back yard shed. The dispatcher responded "we don't have anyone available right now but when some one is free, we'll send them your way" and then they hung up.

The man waited 5 minutes and called back. "Hi. I called earlier about the burgla...

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in  the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed...

Motorist help. (Long)

A man is standing on a Texas roadside with his broken VW Beetle.

A man in a Lamborghini pulls over and offers to help him. The Beetle owner agrees, and the guy from the Lambo tells him to flash his high beams if they are going too fast.

So they go. At some point, the Lambo+Beetle comb...

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Two friends went on a hike...

when suddenly one of the friends needed to go pee.

While he was peeing a snake jumped out and bit the guy on the penis. He called his friend to come and help.

They two friends did not know what to do so they called 911.

The 911 dispatcher explained that the helicopter was on ...

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The Ambassador to England

Just after the war of 1812, an ambassador to England from the United States had been dispatched in order to maintain the peace with the English. The diplomat was invited to a formal dinner with many important members of the English Government as they discussed peace talks and opening diplomacy.
...

What did the police dispatcher say when a short psychic woman escaped from prison?

Calling all units, we have a small medium at large

What did the dispatcher say after he received a call about two men sucking each other off on a bus?

I’ve got reports of two men exchanging blows

"911, what is your emergency?"

The voice coming through the dispatcher's headset was that of a young man, clearly in a state of panic. "Ma'am, you gotta help me! I was hunting in the woods with my buddy, and all of a sudden he just turned blue and fell over! I think he's dead! What am I gonna do? You gotta help me!"

"All r...

Three guys talking in a bar ...

Their names are Somebody, Nobody, and Crazy. All three are having a political discussion and things start to heat up between Somebody and Nobody. Crazy fails to calm them down. Then this escalate and Nobody picks up a bottle and smashes it in the table then holds the broken bottle up to somebody's n...

Police dog

One evening, a deputy in the canine division was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building open. He let the dog out of his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek. Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging t...

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