UPJOKE
trashstuffspamdetritusdebrisrubbledustrubbishchuck outgarbagestashrecyclerecyclingmaterialsolid

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Elephant junk

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. "No, Mom, down underneath." His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." The fat...

I am convinced that all junk drawers are connected.

For every person saying "What's this?", there's someone saying "I'm sure it was in here..."

Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house....

.....and it was delicious

A man sees a life-sized rat statue in an old junk store.

And he isn't sure why, but he finds the rat statue very interesting and decides to buy it. Afterwards he's walking down the street holding the statue under his arm when he looks behind and sees two rats following him. A few minutes later there are more. Soon there are dozens or even hundreds of rats...

My best friend said his junk was bitten by a black widow last night.

He told me she was in her early 40's.

Have you heard about the film they're making, where Dallas gets destroyed by space junk?

Debris Does Dallas.

I got fired from Arby's because I couldn't quit scratching my junk.

I don't see what I did wrong! I mean, I had gloves on.

Proud my girlfriend refers to my junk as a weapon of mass destruction

Unfortunately she meant hard to find.

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CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY MAN. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS JUNK. HE IS OFFERING UP AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 8 AND OBVIO...

A newly married couple

A newly married couple make their way to bed and everything is going well until...

"Ooh! Oh! Look at that! What's wrong with it?" cries the bride.

"It's just my junk!" says the groom, offended.

"Yes, but's what's wrong with it? They're not supposed to look like that! It's all tw...

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I have therapy for my obsession with junk food.

I'm not making much progress. My therapist said to me recently "You've fallen off the wagon, we'll have to start from scratch."

"Hang on," I replied, "Did you say wagon wheel?!"

My wife tried to cut my junk off.

She missed and cut my thigh. Police came and charged her with a misseddaweiner.

Student (to teacher): What you teach is all useless junk.

Teacher: Please don't deprecate yourself thus.

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I saw a picture of my dad’s junk today

I said, “Damnit dad stop texting me this shit!”

Junk foods are so versatile!

A bag of Lays can be used as fuel for a fire in an emergency, you can have finger sword fights with Bugles, and now, a Cheeto has won the United States Presidential Election!

What do the Minnesota Vikings and a car in the junk yard have in common?

Neither one has a title

I tell my wife to buy good quality products but she always gets cheap junk.

The only thing in our house that doesn't suck is the vacuum cleaner.

We're getting ready to move and I just got all our junk out of the attic

One less thing hanging over my head

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The targeted junk email I get seems to be aimed at the wrong guy..

They really need to update their database, they seem to all think I want to own a rolex, am desperately single enough to want a Russian Bride, have a really small penis, mounting debt, and should refinance my home.

Crazy right?

I don't own a home!

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The spoon

Customer at restaurant drops a spoon. Waiter nearby immediately replaces the dropped spoon with a clean one from his breast pocket. Next time the customer sees him, the waiter has a new spoon in his breast pocket so the customer asks about the spoon.


“The owners hired a consultant some t...

Two old men sitting on a park bench discussing their junk

First one says, “I’ll bet you mine is longer soft than yours is hard.”

Second one says, “That’s ridiculous. I’ve known you my whole life. Never have you, _or your wife_, bragged of such a thing.”

“Fifty bucks says mine is longer soft than yours is hard.”

“You’re on. How long is ...

Tumblr is like junk food

They're both filled with trans fat.

I recently heard about a submarine that recycles an astonishing 95% of its junk.

I personally think this sub is doing even better!

A cowboy walks into a bar and brings his pet alligator with him.

He places the alligator on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

“You are about to see something amazing,” the cowboy announced. “This alligator is specially trained. I’m going to take out my junk and he will bite down on it and still leave it completely unscathed. In return for this s...

I messed up today by sending a picture of my junk to everyone in my contact list.

Cost me a fortune in stamps too.

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I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days

But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets.

A schooner, a clipper and a junk sail into a bar,

All hands lost.

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I've been reading so much about the bad effects of smoking, drinking, junk food and sex that ..

I've finally decided to give up reading

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I have been trying to lose weight so I've been keeping my junk food in the basement.

This makes it cellary.

I recently subscribed to Asian Maritime History Monthly...

but haven't received a single issue. Then I remembered I had "No junk mail" on my door.


This is the worst, super specific pun I've come up with so far.

How does a Tyrannosaurus Rex scratch it's junk?

It squats down on a Triceratops.

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What do you get when you grind up Kim Jung Un's junk, mix in some shredded potatoes, ball them up and deep fry them?

dicktator tots

Doctor, how can I live 100 years?

Man: Doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?

Doctor: Well, do you smoke cigarettes or do any type of drugs?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you eat a lot of junk food?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you sleep around without using protection?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Then why...

You know what makes me sad?

Garbage men are always handling my junk, but they never call me back.

I needed to do the laundry, but then I realized I was out of detergent,

so I went to write a shopping list and realized how unorganized the junk drawer was, and started checking pens for ink. When I went to toss all the junk, I saw that the trash was full but before I took it out I wanted to get rid of old food in the fridge. That's when I realized a juice jug had leake...

A health-conscious man got a job as...

... a grocery packer. Every day he watched customers buy candy, soda, potato chips and processed snacks. He knew people were damaging their health with these unhealthy foods choices.

One day, he couldn't take it anymore. When he saw a customer with their cart full of particularly unhealthy ju...

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What do gays guys and garage sales have in common?

"One man's junk is another man's treasure"

you know what they say about elephants with nasally voices

They got a lot of junk in the trunk

My brother got a new pet hamster.

He wanted to think of a perfect name for him so he pondered for a while. Finally he came up with Cuba Gooding Jr. because he absolutely loved most of his movies.

One day Cuba got out of his cage and we couldn’t find him for hours. We looked everywhere, even into the garage and finally the at...

I went to a public bathroom and saw a guy with no arms standing at the urinal. [Long] [NSFW]

After a few seconds of waiting my turn, I realized that nothing was happening. He was just standing there, looking down.

"Umm, everything alright?" I asked him.

"Yeah, just got a slight problem here." he said, nodding towards his zipper.

I guess it's the humanitarian in me tha...

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange.

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange. He says, ‟I'll have a beer, please.”

The bartender says, ‟Excuse me, I could not help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.”

The guy goes, ‟Yeah, had that for a while now.”

So the bartender says, ‟How d...

The genie

A man once put his 200k£ Lamborghini for sale. Few days later he got an offer from a guy and they decided to meet.
The two guys met. And the buyer offered him his junk car that costs around 500£ in exchange for the Lamborghini.
"Have you gone mad? This car costs 200k and your whole car can't e...

The testicular cancer society called me and said, “Did you get our email?” I said No.

They said, “Then you better check your junk.”

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On the wedding night...

A man is about to be wed in the next day and is bicycling. He slips and his junk is mangled...utterly mangled...by the bicycle fall. He goes to the doctor and says "Am I going to be alright to consummate the wedding tomorrow night?"
The doctor shakes his head sadly and says "the only way we can f...

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3 students at a high school get into trouble and are put on detention after school.

But instead of just sitting in a classroom they are tasked with helping the school Janitor clean the school basement.

So they set about clearing the basement. They find loads of old junk, which had accumulated over the 80 years the school had been open.

After about an hour of movi...

The first thing I do after I wake up every morning is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

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Did y’all hear about the hoarder who harrased the workers mining coal?

He was arrested for sending pictures of his junk to miners.

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Who decided to call it "Sending a dick pic"

Instead of "Junk Mail"

I am teaching my 5 year old about good eating habits.

My 5 year old son has a bit if a sweet tooth. I decided to have a discussion that eating too much junk food and snacks will make him fat...

Fast forward to this afternoon, I was with my son in the bank lining up. Behind us, a pregnant lady with the big baby bump lines up.

Remembering t...

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The $1000 Tattoo

A man walks into a tattoo parlor and asks to get a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. The Tattoo artist is a bit taken aback and tells the guy that he will do it, but it will cost $1000.
The Man agrees and he gets the Tattoo.
however, during the process the tattoo artist becomes increasingly ...

The USA proudly declares they're "exporting democracy" whenever they invade a country

I understand why they have to do it at gunpoint. It's generally tough to sell the junk you have no use for yourself anymore.

My friend said Cardi B's music is a fusion between jazz and punk

So it's junk I said

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Why was the Eunuch Hoarder upset?

Because they removed his junk

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Guy walks into a bar

with an alligator under one arm and a shillelagh in the other.

He walks up and slings the alligator up onto the bar and brutally WHACKS it over the head with the club.

The alligator’s mouth verrrry slowly creaks open, revealing a gaping maw of savage teeth.

The guy whips out hi...

A lady arrives at a post office...

...and asks the postman:

"Hi, can I call my mom? I'm out of cash and I need to talk to her urgently".

The postman says "No money, no phone call, miss".

"I will do everything you want, please I really need to call my mother!" - the lady proceeds.

"Music to my ears" - the p...

After early voting today, I stopped off in the men's restroom...

Some pervert stood right next to me at the stall and was eyeballing my junk!

It's ok though, he said he was an OFFICIAL pole watcher.

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(True story) Friend and I were talking about dick sizes and my mother over hears me say how small I am.

She says in a defensive concerned voice. Noooo.. You're big.....

Mom! How the hell would you even know that?! You haven't seen my junk since I was a baby!

Cause, when you were born the nurses came to me and said you were the biggest of all the other baby boys in the nursery.

I s...

What you you call a men's pair of underwear?

A junk drawer.

In my efforts to come up with a unique style of music, I tried to mesh together the elements of Jazz and Funk.

But it just sounded like junk.

Two guys at a yard sale are chatting, one says “whatcha got there, pal?”

“Fella over there sold me a bunch of dominoes, a paint can, a ball, and a mousetrap”

“What in the hell would you need all that junk for?”

“He said I can use it to crack an egg”

“You’re such a rube, Goldberg”

I only have two new years resolutions. One: to lose the weight I gained since the accident.

Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'

What do you call a congested elephant?

Junk in the trunk.

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Stop alright! It's not No Nut November!

It's always Jack-off January, Fap February, Masturbate March, Abuse-yo-cock April, Maniacally beat-yo-meat May, Jizzy June, Jerk July, Abolish-yo-junk August, Seep-yo-seed September, Orgasmic October, Nut November, Destroy Dick December.

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How is spam different to a penis?

One is junk mail, the other is male junk

I think Louis CK has been misunderstood.

He was testing out new material. He just wanted to see whether women would laugh at his junk!

I wasn’t surprised when my artifact from an ancient Asian ship broke.

Piece of junk was made in China.

I always follow what my dad says to my other dad

Another mans junk is another mans treasure

Jamaican Nudest Tattoo

A white guy takes a vacation at a Jamaican nudest resort. He sits at the bar next to a local. The Jamaican notices the white guy has the letters "WY" tattooed on his junk. He asks, "What does that mean." The white guy responds, "My wife's name is Wendy so when I get hard it spells it out." The white...

Trash/rubbish bags and condoms are basically the same thing.

You fill them with your junk and they always seem to break and spill everywhere when carrying a big load

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I found some dildos I didn't order in my postbox.

It was junk mail.

Coronavirus is serious business

I scoffed at how serious the Coronavirus was being portrayed.

Then I realized that I haven’t been invited to the Russian, Ukrainian, or Asian dating sites in my junk folder in weeks!

My love life is a lot like a protein bar

I'm typically the better option, but everyone chooses junk food instead of me

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure...

That is until my friend found out I was digging through his wife’s junk

My wife accidentally ordered way too many chicken strips for lunch

She was quite upset about, as she hates wasting food. My daughter I were quite happy to have some tasty junk food for dinner though. I said to my wife "We could do this again, I don't mind eating KFC. I hope this wasn't just a strip tease!"

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An African, an American and an Asian guy get captured by tribals in a jungle.

The tribal chief tells them, “We will only let you go alive if the combined length of your penises adds up to 20 inches.”

The African steps up to the plate, whips out his genitalia and comes out at an impressive 14 inches.

The American goes next. He unzips his pants, sticks it out and...

An interesting comparison between the love of my life and a garbage can.

Many men put their junk inside.

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Who here likes pickles?

A friend of mine was once employed in a pickle factory. One day, out of nowhere, he expressed a strong urge to stick his dick into the factory's pickle slicer. After a long, hard battle of will and self control, he comes home early one day to tell his wife the bad news: "I got fired for sticking my ...

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NSFW The wax job

A trucker sees a Japanese massage parlor and decides to partake of the services.

He goes inside, pays $40 and they give him a perfectly ordinary massage.

He protests "Hey, wait a minute! Haven't you got something else? Something a little 'special'?"

The cute Japanese gi...

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The 7 Dwarfs had twin friends, Horny and Serious visiting from out of town.

Doc walks in to the living room and sees one of them with his pants off playing with his junk right out in the middle of the room.

“You can’t be serious” he yells.

“No,” he replied, “he’s fucking bashful.”

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde are stranded in the desert...

In the middle of nowhere they find a junk car, after seeing it the decide to take parts of it to help them survive.

Redhead: I’ll take the gas tank, maybe we’ll find water and we can use it to carry it.

Brunette: I’ll take the roof, we can use it to cover us from the sun.

Blonde...

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A Man Who Loves His Wife... [NSFW]

A man who loves his wife decides one day to get a tattoo to commemorate their love.

He decided to get a tattoo on his penis of his wife's name, Wendy. So he goes down to the tattoo parlor and gets a big WENDY in all capitol letters down the length of his shaft. He goes home, and his wife love...

What gets easier as you get taller?

Washing your junk in the sink

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Dogs will be Doggs

Three dogs are at the vet. One asks the others, "So, what are you guys in for?"

The first, a Jack Russell Terrier, says, "I kept humping everything in sight. The neighbor's cat, my master's leg, the couch, you name it. Plus, I peed in the corners and chewed the mail every time it got delivere...

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An inventor, Liam, builds a humanoid lie detector robot that can slap you if you lie. As with all his inventions, his family will be the first round of test subjects.

At dinner, the inventor asks his son Jimmy about his day.

"I was at Scotts, we were studying for mid-terms."

The robot suddenly springs to life, slapping the son hard upside the head.

"Ow, what the fucking shit?" Jimmy exclaims angrily.

Liam looks at his son with a bemu...

What's a homeless man's favourite type of food?

Junk food

Most redittors would make excellent Presidents.

We already sleep, eat junk food, watch TV and post on social media 21 hours a day.

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One day a group of terrorists took over a small village...

I fully acknowledge I first read this joke on Reddit many years ago. But since I haven't seen it posted in a long time, and it's been one of my favorite jokes, I'll give my best retelling of it-

So one day a group of terrorists took over a small village in the middle east. And being the evi...

A very energetic old woman is approached by a middle aged man.

The middle aged man says “Ma’am, pardon me, You look so fit for a woman at this age. I’m amazed! Do you mind if you share the secret?”

The woman replied, “Oh sure, nothing special” “I’m just living the life like most people here.. I’m a night person so I rarely sleep at night.. I smoke 3 pack...

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