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Elephant junk

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. "No, Mom, down underneath." His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." The fat...

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I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days

But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets.

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I have therapy for my obsession with junk food.

I'm not making much progress. My therapist said to me recently "You've fallen off the wagon, we'll have to start from scratch."

"Hang on," I replied, "Did you say wagon wheel?!"

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Why is a Geiger counter like mature porn?

You get a lot of clicks when your junk's decaying.

My brother got a new pet hamster.

He wanted to think of a perfect name for him so he pondered for a while. Finally he came up with Cuba Gooding Jr. because he absolutely loved most of his movies.

One day Cuba got out of his cage and we couldn’t find him for hours. We looked everywhere, even into the garage and finally the at...

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An inventor, Liam, builds a humanoid lie detector robot that can slap you if you lie. As with all his inventions, his family will be the first round of test subjects.

At dinner, the inventor asks his son Jimmy about his day.

"I was at Scotts, we were studying for mid-terms."

The robot suddenly springs to life, slapping the son hard upside the head.

"Ow, what the fucking shit?" Jimmy exclaims angrily.

Liam looks at his son with a bemu...

Two old men sitting on a park bench discussing their junk

First one says, “I’ll bet you mine is longer soft than yours is hard.”

Second one says, “That’s ridiculous. I’ve known you my whole life. Never have you, _or your wife_, bragged of such a thing.”

“Fifty bucks says mine is longer soft than yours is hard.”

“You’re on. How long is ...

Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house....

.....and it was delicious

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A group of friends was walking around the red light district and came across a sign that said “donuts.”

Hank turned to the other two, Joey and Carl, and said, “Guys, I heard about this! The girl puts a donut on your junk and then goes to town. It’s supposed to be the best thing you can do here. We should do it. It’s not like we’re going to get this chance again!”

Reluctantly, the other two agr...

We're getting ready to move and I just got all our junk out of the attic

One less thing hanging over my head

The Race!

Johnny was 16 years old and wanted a motorcycle really bad. But his parents said he couldn't get one until he graduated from high school. So, he saved up all his money, and when graduation day came, he threw his graduate cap up in the air and walked right down to the nearest Harley Davidson dealer a...

What do the Minnesota Vikings and a car in the junk yard have in common?

Neither one has a title

I tell my wife to buy good quality products but she always gets cheap junk.

The only thing in our house that doesn't suck is the vacuum cleaner.

A cowboy walks into a bar and brings his pet alligator with him.

He places the alligator on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

“You are about to see something amazing,” the cowboy announced. “This alligator is specially trained. I’m going to take out my junk and he will bite down on it and still leave it completely unscathed. In return for this s...

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A man is shopping at an adult video store when the cashier tells him, "If you're looking for something extra, check out the room in the back..."

Curious, the man heads to the back of the store and finds a long hallway lined with gloryholes. As soon as he walks in, he hears seductive coos and beckoning comments from behind each wall. Peering into some of the holes, he is surprised to see gorgeous women from all around the world waiting on the...

I recently heard about a submarine that recycles an astonishing 95% of its junk.

I personally think this sub is doing even better!

Apparently Stormy Daniels was misquoted, and what she actually said was that Trump's junk looked like A Little Potato. You know...

A little *dick-tater*

Student (to teacher): What you teach is all useless junk.

Teacher: Please don't deprecate yourself thus.

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I saw a picture of my dad’s junk today

I said, “Damnit dad stop texting me this shit!”

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A state of the art fighter jet with a sentient navigation computer malfunctioned and went into a tailspin

The human pilot realized it was unrecoverable and shouted, "Computer, initiate automated ejection sequence."

After a long silence, the computer responded, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."

Smirking, the crafty, old-school pilot muttered, "I knew the...

My wife tried to cut my junk off.

She missed and cut my thigh. Police came and charged her with a misseddaweiner.

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Did y’all hear about the hoarder who harrased the workers mining coal?

He was arrested for sending pictures of his junk to miners.

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The targeted junk email I get seems to be aimed at the wrong guy..

They really need to update their database, they seem to all think I want to own a rolex, am desperately single enough to want a Russian Bride, have a really small penis, mounting debt, and should refinance my home.

Crazy right?

I don't own a home!

Need to get rid of some of your junk?

Pack it up in Amazon boxes and leave it on your front porch.

What is a cannibals favorite junk food?

HANDburgers

Every morning after waking up, the first thing that I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

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Why was the Eunuch Hoarder upset?

Because they removed his junk

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What do you get when you grind up Kim Jung Un's junk, mix in some shredded potatoes, ball them up and deep fry them?

dicktator tots

A lady arrives at a post office...

...and asks the postman:

"Hi, can I call my mom? I'm out of cash and I need to talk to her urgently".

The postman says "No money, no phone call, miss".

"I will do everything you want, please I really need to call my mother!" - the lady proceeds.

"Music to my ears" - the p...

I messed up today by sending a picture of my junk to everyone in my contact list.

Cost me a fortune in stamps too.

Two guys at a yard sale are chatting, one says “whatcha got there, pal?”

“Fella over there sold me a bunch of dominoes, a paint can, a ball, and a mousetrap”

“What in the hell would you need all that junk for?”

“He said I can use it to crack an egg”

“You’re such a rube, Goldberg”

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CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY MAN. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS JUNK. HE IS OFFERING UP AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 8 AND OBVIO...

Junk foods are so versatile!

A bag of Lays can be used as fuel for a fire in an emergency, you can have finger sword fights with Bugles, and now, a Cheeto has won the United States Presidential Election!

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I've been reading so much about the bad effects of smoking, drinking, junk food and sex that ..

I've finally decided to give up reading

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3 Jamaicans go to a dress up party

The theme is 'emotions' with a strict entry policy. No costume, no entry.

The first guy knocks on the door dressed as a giant pear. The host says "this is an emotions party, what are you supposed to be?"

He replies "I'm in dis pear" and walks in.

The 2nd guy doesnt have a costu...

After early voting today, I stopped off in the men's restroom...

Some pervert stood right next to me at the stall and was eyeballing my junk!

It's ok though, he said he was an OFFICIAL pole watcher.

Tumblr is like junk food

They're both filled with trans fat.

I only have two new years resolutions. One: to lose the weight I gained since the accident.

Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'

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Stop alright! It's not No Nut November!

It's always Jack-off January, Fap February, Masturbate March, Abuse-yo-cock April, Maniacally beat-yo-meat May, Jizzy June, Jerk July, Abolish-yo-junk August, Seep-yo-seed September, Orgasmic October, Nut November, Destroy Dick December.

My friend said Cardi B's music is a fusion between jazz and punk

So it's junk I said

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A prince is riding through the woods on his horse.

Suddenly he hears someone screaming for help near the path. He immediately jumps off his horse and hurries in the direction from which the screams seemed to come. Behind a bush he discovers a dwarf trapped under a small tree.

"Help! Please help me, I'm stuck here," the dwarf screams in pain....

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Three dogs are at the vet

The first, a Jack Russell Terrier, says, ‟I kept humping everything in sight. The neighbor's cat, my mster's leg, the couch, you name it. Plus, I peed in the corners and chewed the mail every time it got delivered. So they're going to neuter me to see if it'll calm me down.”

The second, a mut...

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I have been trying to lose weight so I've been keeping my junk food in the basement.

This makes it cellary.

Cleaning up the heavens

God finally gets around to clean up the heavens and finds the commandments. What to do with the old junk? He looks down onto the earth, maybe someone could have a use for them.

He asks the Egyptians. The Pharaoh looks up and says "Dude, sorry, we're busy with our pyramids, no can do."

...

What you you call a men's pair of underwear?

A junk drawer.

An inventor is about to pass, leaving all he has to his only family. His two children.

He was a very altruistic person in life, only using his inventions to help people and not make any profit. His daughter admired this trait and followed this path becoming a tinkerer herself. His son, however, was an opportunist. He would always attempt to make a profit off any of his father's invent...

A schooner, a clipper and a junk sail into a bar,

All hands lost.

Man is granted 3 wishes

I didnt write this but I still want to share...

A man was digging through old junk in his attic and finds a lamp that he had never seen before. He starts to clean the dust off of it and then it starts to smoke and flash bright light. Finally a Genie comes out and says with a powerful voice,...

How does a Tyrannosaurus Rex scratch it's junk?

It squats down on a Triceratops.

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A man goes into a bar...

...and walks up to the bartender and says “Bar keep, a shot of your finest whiskey!”. The bartender grabs a bottle of his finest whiskey and pours the man a shot. As fast as he poured is as fast as the man drank the shot. He slammed the glass down and requested another. The bartender poured the man ...

I recently subscribed to Asian Maritime History Monthly...

but haven't received a single issue. Then I remembered I had "No junk mail" on my door.


This is the worst, super specific pun I've come up with so far.

In my efforts to come up with a unique style of music, I tried to mesh together the elements of Jazz and Funk.

But it just sounded like junk.

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde are stranded in the desert...

In the middle of nowhere they find a junk car, after seeing it the decide to take parts of it to help them survive.

Redhead: I’ll take the gas tank, maybe we’ll find water and we can use it to carry it.

Brunette: I’ll take the roof, we can use it to cover us from the sun.

Blonde...

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Emotions

So.. 3 french guys were walking around Brooklyn when they spot a party, they go knock on the door but the person answering says they can't get in without a costume. They walk away dejected. One of them spots a green paint can in an alley and pours it all over himself goes to the door and says I am g...

The clinic where I had my recent testicular cancer exam called me and asked, “Did you get our email?” Rather alarmed, I exclaimed, “No! What should I do!?" They replied...

“You better check your junk.”

I think Louis CK has been misunderstood.

He was testing out new material. He just wanted to see whether women would laugh at his junk!

You know what makes me sad?

Garbage men are always handling my junk, but they never call me back.

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NSFW The wax job

A trucker sees a Japanese massage parlor and decides to partake of the services.

He goes inside, pays $40 and they give him a perfectly ordinary massage.

He protests "Hey, wait a minute! Haven't you got something else? Something a little 'special'?"

The cute Japanese gi...

What do you call a congested elephant?

Junk in the trunk.

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What is it called when you email someone a dick pic?

Junk mail

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Bob goes to the zoo

One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape.

Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump aro...

Doctor, how can I live 100 years?

Man: Doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?

Doctor: Well, do you smoke cigarettes or do any type of drugs?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you eat a lot of junk food?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you sleep around without using protection?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Then why...

My wife accidentally ordered way too many chicken strips for lunch

She was quite upset about, as she hates wasting food. My daughter I were quite happy to have some tasty junk food for dinner though. I said to my wife "We could do this again, I don't mind eating KFC. I hope this wasn't just a strip tease!"

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[NSFW] a white guy is showering at the gym alone when in comes the biggest and most muscle bound black guy he has ever seen walks in...

The black man whips off his towel and reveals the largest member on a dude the white guy has ever seen. He can’t stop staring and it makes the black man uncomfortable after a few minutes

“You got a problem?” the muscles dude says

“I have to be honest” starts the white guy, “that thing...

A man is playing golf one day...

And while he’s at a hole he hears “fooooorrrrr” before he’s smacked in the “business” with an errant golf ball.

He heads to the doctors and asks “how can you help me doc, My fiance and I have been saving ourselves for marriage and the wedding is 2 weeks out.”

“Hmmm. Typically your prob...

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[NSFW] [Long] Three men are stranded in the middle of the desert. Each one of them is starving, thirsty, and desperate to get home...

As they trudge through the endless desert, one of them spots a small cottage in the distance with scrap metal and junk all around it. He told the others and they all thought it was just a mirage. But as they drew near the cottage, they learned that it was very real.

They all get excited. C...

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The secret to a long life

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed a shriveled, stooped old lady. She was sitting on her front step, contentedly smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

She said, "I smoke ten cigars a day. Be...

Coronavirus is serious business

I scoffed at how serious the Coronavirus was being portrayed.

Then I realized that I haven’t been invited to the Russian, Ukrainian, or Asian dating sites in my junk folder in weeks!

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An Israeli and his Czech friend were wandering through the forest when a bear reared up and ate the Czech guy.The Jewish guy ran to the nearest Ranger office,to report what happened. The ranger went off in his truck and returned shortly with two bears in cages in the back.

‘These are the only two bears in the vicinity can you identify which one ate your friend?’ The ranger asked
‘How could I recognize which bear is which?’ Said the fellow
‘Well,’ countered the Ranger’ One is a male bear and the other a female, maybe when the bear reared up to eat your friend you...

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[NSFW] [LONG] A soldier returns home from Iraq...

Greeted by his wife, he hugs her tight, and she's ready to jump his bones. He stops her however, and tells her, "Baby, while I was away, I want you to know, I didn't stray in thought or body. I spent every waking moment thinking of you, and in that process, I developed a new trick." This certainly h...

A very energetic old woman is approached by a middle aged man.

The middle aged man says “Ma’am, pardon me, You look so fit for a woman at this age. I’m amazed! Do you mind if you share the secret?”

The woman replied, “Oh sure, nothing special” “I’m just living the life like most people here.. I’m a night person so I rarely sleep at night.. I smoke 3 pack...

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I had such a strange dream last night...

everything was reversed. Vegans were eating meat. Christians were having un-married sex. Bodybuilders were fat and eating junk food. And the weirdest of all I was getting laid.

Something you don't know about me - I'm an authority on wasp sounds.

Anyway I was out for the day and it started to rain. So I wandered into a junk shop, I was looking through the records, the LPs were of no interest so I looked in the singles. Johnny Mathis, Val Doonican, Wasp sounds fro...wait! What's this? "Wasp Sounds From Around The World!" I want this! It's onl...

I always follow what my dad says to my other dad

Another mans junk is another mans treasure

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A backpacker walks into a tavern

As he walks in, all eyes turn on him, it's a small isolated tavern way up in the mountains, so they don't see strangers too often.

He orders a beer and starts mingling, and because he's a cool guy he fits in relatively quick.

A few beers after, he spots a table at the back of the room,...

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Three school teachers go to the nude beach: the math teacher, the history teacher, and the logics teacher. Suddenly, the female principal goes by them. So the math and history teacher put their newspapers on their private parts, while the logics teacher puts it on his face.

After the principal leaves, the first two ask the logics teacher: Why did you put your newspaper on your face? She clearly saw your junk!

That's the thing! I'm mostly recognised by my face!

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Fine, different alligator joke.

A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator, and the bartender says, "hey man you can't have that in here it's dangerous!" The man says, "No no! He's not, look I can prove it that he's not dangerous." The bartender says, "okay, if you can prove that your alligator isn't dangerous, you can keep it ...

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The 7 Dwarfs had twin friends, Horny and Serious visiting from out of town.

Doc walks in to the living room and sees one of them with his pants off playing with his junk right out in the middle of the room.

“You can’t be serious” he yells.

“No,” he replied, “he’s fucking bashful.”

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A mad scientist and his dim-witted assistant are collecting resources to bring a cyborg abomination to life.

They split the work to be as efficient as possible. The scientist decides to stay at the lab to tinker with and clean the robotic parts, and the assistant goes out to collect body parts.

After an hour, the assistant arrives with a leg, and sees the robotic parts still covered in grease.
...

I wasn’t surprised when my artifact from an ancient Asian ship broke.

Piece of junk was made in China.

Trash/rubbish bags and condoms are basically the same thing.

You fill them with your junk and they always seem to break and spill everywhere when carrying a big load

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What does a zombie call a dick?

Junk food

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College professor is experiencing a “slow-down” in his sex-life with his wife...

... so he is trying to figure out how to spice it up. He is hearing that there is a foreign student who has a lot of luck with girls on the campus so he decides to ask him for advice.

“Paolo, how are you doing it?”
“Well professor, right before I am about to do it with a girl, I whip my j...

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Cleetus had a embarrassing disease

So he went to the doctor:

" Sho doc, I have this scratchy in me parts and I was thinking you may have some midicin to you know get thi old junk back on health"

The doctor examined him and diagnosed with an STD, he gave him some suppositories

" Alright Mr thoothill, this supposi...

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure...

That is until my friend found out I was digging through his wife’s junk

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A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash. The bartender says, "Hey, come on man, you can't bring that thing in here, it's dangerous!"

The man responds, "No, watch, I'll prove it to you he is safe". He picks up the alligator and places him on the bar. He then taps the aliigator on t...

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A Man Who Loves His Wife... [NSFW]

A man who loves his wife decides one day to get a tattoo to commemorate their love.

He decided to get a tattoo on his penis of his wife's name, Wendy. So he goes down to the tattoo parlor and gets a big WENDY in all capitol letters down the length of his shaft. He goes home, and his wife love...

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Donald Trump was using the restroom...

...when Vladmir Putin walked in and began using the urinal beside him. Naturally, Trump glanced over and saw that Putin had by far the biggest cock he had ever seen. So he asked him what he did to make it grow so huge and Vlad told him that every night before he goes to bed, he pulls it out and sl...

A man with an alligator walks in a bar

He tells the bartender he’s a street performer and would like to perform. The bartender is curious about his act so he allows it. The man stands up holding his gator and a jar and announces to the bar that he won’t start until his jar is full of money. The people in the bar are also curious about hi...

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Traffic Cop

After spending an hour at the mall I was ready to head home, but as I exited into the parking lot I saw a police officer writing a ticket.


"Hey, what gives?!" I exclaimed, hoping for some kind of explanation.


Without saying a word, the officer pointed to the no parking sign abo...

My love life is a lot like a protein bar

I'm typically the better option, but everyone chooses junk food instead of me

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I found some dildos I didn't order in my postbox.

It was junk mail.

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The $1000 Tattoo

A man walks into a tattoo parlor and asks to get a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. The Tattoo artist is a bit taken aback and tells the guy that he will do it, but it will cost $1000.
The Man agrees and he gets the Tattoo.
however, during the process the tattoo artist becomes increasingly ...

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Two bikers

Two bikers are riding along the route 66 when one of them has to take a piss. So he goes to a bush on the side of the road and does his business, when all of a sudden a snake bites his junk. Alerted from the screams of his friend, the other biker runs to him and asks him what's wrong. Thankfully he ...

An interesting comparison between the love of my life and a garbage can.

Many men put their junk inside.

In a city, not so long ago, there was a collective of friars.

These friars decided to come to this city to spread their religion by buying a church. This church was old (the only church the city had for sale, really), but the friars didn't care. They put on some of that good ol' elbow grease and got it looking good again. Once their church was as ready as can ...

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A man walks into a bathroom and asks another man for help "please undo my zipper!" NSFW

Other guy nearly refuses but, upon noticing the man doesn't have arms, reluctantly unzips him and begins to walk away.

"Please, help me pull it out and, if you wouldn't mind, zip me back up when I'm done."

Feeling sorry for his fellow man, and recognizing the need to assist him, he p...

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My fiancee thought I was bringing a condom to work with me this morning [Actually happened]

We have this miniature dresser in our bedroom that rests on an entertainment stand. Top drawer is random junk like buttons that come with clothes, receipts, etc. Middle drawer is jewelry. Bottom drawer is condoms.

This morning, I went into the top drawer to get a microfiber cloth that came wi...

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A man was sitting at a bar drinking and had his pet alligator with him

He was tired of spending his own money on his expensive liquor so he stood up and announced to the patrons “I bet all you a round of drinks that I can put my dick and balls in this gators mouth for one minute with it’s mouth closed and I won’t have a scratch on me when I’m done”

After some di...

The fallen spoon

A man and his wife are sitting at a restaurant, eating their soup, when he suddenly drops his spoon. A waiter, who was just passing by, quickly picks it up, takes a spoon from his pocket and hands it to the customer.

Quite unsurprisingly, the man looks at the waiter in confusion. "Oh, don't b...

Most redittors would make excellent Presidents.

We already sleep, eat junk food, watch TV and post on social media 21 hours a day.

A man walks into a bar with a pet Aligator

So a man walks into a bar with his pet alligator and the bartender says "woah there buddy we don't allow dangerous murdering animals in here" and the guy responds "no, no it's totally tame I'll prove it" he unzipps his pants and then tells the aligator "open", it opens it mouth and he sets his 'junk...

"New Years resoultion"

I have been reading so many bad things lately about how all the bad things sugar and junk food could do to me, so my New Years resoultion is no more reading 😊

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A Scotsman walks into a bar

Then proceeds to get blackout drunk for the night and attempts to stumble home. He passes out on the street as two American women on holiday pass by. One says to the other *"Let's see if what they say about kilts are true"* and sure enough there was no underwear to be seen. As a joke, one of the wom...

A woman is driving down a road when she sees...

A man who looks well over 100 years old sitting in a rocking chair in front of a house. She decides she can't let this opportunity go and she must find out the secret to his longevity so she goes up to the man and asks him to tell her about his lifestyle. The man says "I smoke 10 packs of cigarett...

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