A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him t...

Why does the new French navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see the old French navy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of boats?

Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the fucking boat.

I've started a boat business in my attic.

Sails are going through the roof!

I'm not really a big fan of boat puns

But frigate

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3.2 beer is like sex in a row boat

It’s fucking near water!

Did you know you can fit any boat over your head like a hat, if you just flip it over?

That's how you make it cap-sized...

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I got a new saltwater boat

I use it for saline

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

There was this old man

Sitting on his porch watching the rain fall pretty hard. Soon the water was coming over the porch and overflowing into the house.

The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."

The old man replie...

After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it's too late to cancel my order.

That sail has shipped.

What do you call a boat full of buddies?

A friend-ship

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A man is walking down to the docks to check out his new boat.

As he approaches he sees a honest to goodness pirate ship docking nearby. He is beside himself when he sees the most stereotypical pirate hobbling off the boat.

The pirate has a red bandana, a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch. The man can't help himself, he has to talk to the guy.<...

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An American and Japanese team decided to engage in a competitive boat race.

Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.

On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a c...

A guy goes fishing with Jesus in a small boat.

In the excitement of bringing in a fish one of the paddles gets dislodged and starts to float away. No problem I'll go get it says Jesus, and he just steps out and walks over to where it is and picks it up casually walking back to the boat.
Later his friends are asking him about their time on the...

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A priest, jesus and Shaggy sitting in a drowning boat...

Jesus goes to his knees and prays. Stands up and walks over the Water to the coast.

Shaggy stands up and walks over the Water to the coast.

The priest prays on his knees stands up and tries to walk over the Water, but drowns.

On the coast jesus asks shaggy : "shouldn't we told h...

Trump, Putin and Merkel meet on a ship in the Nordsea to discuss which U-boats to use for the NATO.

Trump, Putin and Merkel meet on a ship in the Nordsea to discuss which U-boats to use for the NATO.

Trump: "American U-boats are the best boats in the world, they can stay under water for a year!".

Putin: "Ha, If you Americans had better spice you would know that soviet boats are t...

A man is at boating school, and is learning different phrases before he is allowed to work on a boat

The instructor asks him the first question, “What do you say when a man has fallen off the boat.”

The man energetically said, “Man overboard!”

The instructor has his next question ready, “What do you say when a woman falls off the boat?”

The man yet again states, “Full speed ahe...

Two blondes and a boat.

One day a blonde was driving her car down a rural road. She glanced off to the right and in an empty field she saw another blonde in a rowboat, vigorously trying to row herself through the field to no avail. The first blonde getting frustrated angrily pulled over and shouted:

" It's blondes ...

Peta and Repeata were in a boat. Peta fell out, who survived?

The animals.

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I hate going with my bossy Irish friend Richard when he ships produce on his boat

It's a real Dick tater ship

I built a 1:1000000 model of a German submarine.

It’s a pretty good µ-boat.

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

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Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone and Chuck Norris are sitting in a boat boat...

Arnold puts his finger in the air and states: “7,3km/h windspeed from 33° north-east“.
Stallone sticks out his tongue and says: “Exactly 20,87°C“.
Chuck Norris opens his trousers and sticks his dick in the water and says: “Exactly 12,609m deep“.

Why do Swedish boats have barcodes on the side?

So they can Scandinavian.

A magician is on a boat.

He performs nightly and there just so happens to be a parrot in the audience. The parrot notices how he does the tricks so he calls out, "Its in his sleeve. Its in his pocket!." One night the ship hits an iceberg and the magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot. After two days of s...

What do you call a boat that doesn't allow criticism?

A censor-ship

What do you call the first migrant off of the boat? Amhere. What do you call the second migrant off the boat? Amhere Azwell. What do you call the third migrant off the boat?

Amhere Azwell Azthem..

I can’t think of any boat puns...

Canoe?

A man, his wife and his best friends are stuck at sea on a small boat.

The man and his best friend were trying to make the most of a bad situation until the wind picked up again, by sharing a drink. They sang loudly and boysterously. Much to the distress of the man's wife.

Wife: "I've had enough of you drunken fools and your drunken shenanigans, I'm swimming!"...

A man was working at a boat supply shop

He was a salesman

What do you call an android in a boat?

Row bot.

What did one boat sayed to the other?

Are we up for a little row-mance?

On an excursion, I decided to go swimming with the Dolphins. Unfortunately, one of them was run over by a boat and killed

I'm really going to miss Dan Marino

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An American with a boat and a Canadian with a boat crash,

They keep blaming one another while floating on sea. After a while they arrive at an island, where they were greeted by a tribe. They told their dilemma to the head of the tribe, to which he replied: "each of you will go to the forest and collect 100 of the same fruit, the first one to return will n...

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

What did the wood loving man say to the captain of a wooden boat?

Permission to come on board?

Why couldn’t Trump tie his boat down?

Fake noose

3 men are on a boat with 4 cigarettes and no lighter to light them with

The men stop and think for a while, perplexed by the situation. It wasn’t until one man threw a cigarette over board that their crisis was resolved, as then their boat became a cigarette lighter.

What do you call a boat made by students?

An Apprenticeship

Post and Repost were on a boat, Post fell off. Who was left?

Reddit

There is 2 boats

One is filled with red paint

The other is filled with blue paint

They collide

What happens to the survivors?

They are marooned

A Flat-Earther is lost at sea when he sees a boat off in the distance

then it disappears.

A Redditor, an Italian, a French man, an American and a foreign worker are on a boat...

The captain sets sail with just enough space for each of them and their belongings.

They make good progress the first few days through clear waters. A few nights later however, they wake up in the middle of a thrashing storm.

The boat's progress is halted and they can no longer move. ...

An German naval captain is reassigned to a new u-boat

His crew (all English defectors), did not like his German methods of leadership. After a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen barely a minute off, he saw several derogatory posters about him taped around the craft. Calling for his first officer, he sai...

Did you hear about the new electronics store that caters to boats, jet skis and other watercraft?

It's called Best Buoy.

What happens when an alligator drives a boat?

He becomes a navigator

Stuttering man on a boat

A man with a stuttering problem got a job working as the lookout person on a boat. He was told to look around for large ships that were headed their way and to yell out the word “ship!” when he saw one coming. A few hours later, the stuttering man yelled “s-s-s-shhh-s-“ but by the time he managed t...

The Little Crab

A fisherman was out trying to catch some fish when a tiny little crab scampered up into his boat. It was too small to take back, so he simply threw it overboard.

About ten minutes later, the same crab climbed up into his boat. The fisherman chuckled to himself and threw the crab out again....

A man off the boat from China is looking for a job.

A local business man decides to hire him.

He tells the immigrant,

“I will have help out my store with supplies.”

In which he responds in broken English,

“Thank you mista thank you!”

After he shows him around the store, the business goes out for the rest of the day...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a penis shaped boat made out of potatoes?

A dictatorship

Donald Trump & Hillary Clinton are stuck in the middle of the ocean on small boat together with no food, who survives?

America.

I just watched a documentary about how boats are put together.

Riveting.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a Hardcore porno filmed on a boat in the ocean?

Offshore Drilling

How do boats reproduce if they are all girls?

They are covered in seamen.

An Asian, a Mexican, and an American all get on a boat...

The captain looks at his passangers and tells them that in order to continue the voyage, each of them must throw over something they have a lot of in their country. The Asian tosses a few bags of rice, the Mexican tosses some tortillas, and the American tosses the Mexican.

A British couple are on a cruise ship. It sinks, and they're the only survivors left, managing to get on a boat

They can spot land not far off. They try as hard as they can to use the oars, but they won't budge.


The wife has an idea, she calls her husband useless and incompetent. The husband retorts and a huge argument begins.


The boat inches slowly towards land. The more they argue and ...

Why did the boat dock collapse under it's own weight?

Too much pier pressure.

What vegetable shouldn't go on a boat?

A Leek!!

Why do North Korean navy boats have glass bottoms

So they can see their Air Force

a friend of mine set up a boat building company in his attic.

the sails were through the roof.

Why do Nordic boats have barcodes on them?

So after they get back from war, they can Scandinavian.

Did you know that all of the boats in Norway have bar codes on the side?

So when the ships come to harbor they can Scandanavian.

Two Eskimos light a fire in their boat in an attempt to stay warm.

However, the fire burns through the boat and it sinks, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Did you hear about the rental boat that didn't allow dogs or women on board?

It was called the Cat-or-a-Man Catamaran.

What’s type of boat does the metric system hate?

Galleons

I couldn't decide whether to use a boat or go swimming, so i aborted my plans.

It was a case of row versus wade

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy and his papa were going on a boat ride

On the car ride to the lake the papa put in a dip. The little boy asked, "Papa, can I have a little dip too?" The papa asked the boy a question in return. "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy responded no and the papa replied back, "Well then you're not old enough, and besides,...

What type of boat can young jedis use

A padiwan

What do you call a girl hanging off the back of a fishing boat?

Annette

How come the boat couldn’t recite the alphabet?

He’d always get lost at “C”

A steamboat captain brought his son along on a short cruise upriver to show him what he does for a living, but all the kid wanted to do was steer the boat. Insisting that his father taught him enough to handle the job, he asked the pilot to let him take the helm...

"Okay..." said the pilot. "But you must pass a small test first. If I asked you to turn to the left, what nautical term should I use?"

"Turn to port!" said the boy.

"Correct!" said the pilot.

"If I wanted you to turn the boat to the right, what direction would that be?"
...

Did you hear about the study done about boat docks?

It was pier-reviewed research!

Heard a boat was capsized the other day

Didn't think it would be that small

When a family's lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, the wife kept hinting to the husband that he should get it fixed, but somehow, he always had something else to take care of first - the shed, the boat, making beer...

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When the husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. The husband watched silently for a minute, went into the house and came out again with a toothbrush. ...

What did the whale say after eating the boat?

"This tastes like ship."

Shaq recently bought a boat and named it "Free Throw".

He'll never sink it.

A Blonde is driving through rural farm country and sees another blond rowing a boat in the middle of a cornfield...

She pulls to the side of the road and yells "Hey, what the hell are you doing out there?"

The blonde in the boat stops rowing and stands up. "What does it look like I'm doing, I'm going to work!"

Puzzled the blonde in the car gets out and walks to the side of the road and yells, "You k...

Why don't boats like it when Steve Rogers stares at them?

Cap's eyes

Why do scubadivers roll backwards out of the boat?

If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.

Credit to my girlfriend and boyfriend. They the real heroes.

Two blondes at the cinema, one says to the other I bet that girl falls out of that boat and into the lake, second blonde, no way, I bet you 50 bucks, sure enough the girl falls into the lake, second blonde says how did you know that?

first blonde, I saw this film last week, second says so did I, didn't think she would do it twice.

What does Donald Trump call small boats used by fairies?

Fey canoes

3 sailors crash their boat while sailing close to the shore of an unexplored island.

After moving inland, they are captured by members of an indigenous tribe. The tribesmen take the sailors to their chief. The chief, in very broken English, speaks to them,

"You trespass here, now I have test for you. Go deep into forest. Pick for me 3 fruits, and return to me. The test begins...

I was in the middle of a lake in a canoe with my girl friend last week when suddenly the boat sprung a leak. We had to decide whether to try and get the boat back to shore or abandon ship.

We had a real row v. wade debate that day.

When does snow become a boat?

When it’s a drift!

What do you call a German Shepherd in a U-boat?

A sub woofer

Most people don't realize that rocking a boat can make it smaller

It will become capsized

If you turn a boat over you can wear it as a hat

It’s capsized

What kind of boat doesn’t let you be nude or swear?

A censorship

I have a boat big enough for 11 people, or

My wife and her two friends.

Why was Cleopatra sitting on a boat, sad, going down a river?

Because she was in denial.