A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

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A priest, jesus and Shaggy sitting in a drowning boat...

Jesus goes to his knees and prays. Stands up and walks over the Water to the coast.

Shaggy stands up and walks over the Water to the coast.

The priest prays on his knees stands up and tries to walk over the Water, but drowns.

On the coast jesus asks shaggy : "shouldn't we told h...

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

If they fall forward they’d land in the boat.

What do you call the first migrant off of the boat? Amhere. What do you call the second migrant off the boat? Amhere Azwell. What do you call the third migrant off the boat?

Amhere Azwell Azthem..

I built a 1:1000000 model of a German submarine.

It’s a pretty good µ-boat.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone and Chuck Norris are sitting in a boat boat...

Arnold puts his finger in the air and states: “7,3km/h windspeed from 33° north-east“.
Stallone sticks out his tongue and says: “Exactly 20,87°C“.
Chuck Norris opens his trousers and sticks his dick in the water and says: “Exactly 12,609m deep“.

The Finnish believe Satan was a bad terrible boat captain

because Helsinki

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=o

A magician is on a boat.

He performs nightly and there just so happens to be a parrot in the audience. The parrot notices how he does the tricks so he calls out, "Its in his sleeve. Its in his pocket!." One night the ship hits an iceberg and the magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot. After two days of s...

What do you call a boat made by students?

An Apprenticeship

Do you know what really floats my boat?

The mass of the boat being less than the mass of water which it displaces.

Why do Swedish boats have barcodes on the side?

So they can Scandinavian.

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

Post and Repost were on a boat, Post fell off. Who was left?

Reddit

A man was working at a boat supply shop

He was a salesman

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An American with a boat and a Canadian with a boat crash,

They keep blaming one another while floating on sea. After a while they arrive at an island, where they were greeted by a tribe. They told their dilemma to the head of the tribe, to which he replied: "each of you will go to the forest and collect 100 of the same fruit, the first one to return will n...

On an excursion, I decided to go swimming with the Dolphins. Unfortunately, one of them was run over by a boat and killed

I'm really going to miss Dan Marino

What did one boat sayed to the other?

Are we up for a little row-mance?

What did the wood loving man say to the captain of a wooden boat?

Permission to come on board?

3 men are on a boat with 4 cigarettes and no lighter to light them with

The men stop and think for a while, perplexed by the situation. It wasn’t until one man threw a cigarette over board that their crisis was resolved, as then their boat became a cigarette lighter.

I can’t think of any boat puns...

Canoe?

Why couldn’t Trump tie his boat down?

Fake noose

A man, his wife and his best friends are stuck at sea on a small boat.

The man and his best friend were trying to make the most of a bad situation until the wind picked up again, by sharing a drink. They sang loudly and boysterously. Much to the distress of the man's wife.

Wife: "I've had enough of you drunken fools and your drunken shenanigans, I'm swimming!"...

There is 2 boats

One is filled with red paint

The other is filled with blue paint

They collide

What happens to the survivors?

They are marooned

An German naval captain is reassigned to a new u-boat

His crew (all English defectors), did not like his German methods of leadership. After a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen barely a minute off, he saw several derogatory posters about him taped around the craft. Calling for his first officer, he sai...

Did you hear about the new electronics store that caters to boats, jet skis and other watercraft?

It's called Best Buoy.

Donald Trump & Hillary Clinton are stuck in the middle of the ocean on small boat together with no food, who survives?

America.

Weekend

A young guy goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. “

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how ...

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

A Redditor, an Italian, a French man, an American and a foreign worker are on a boat...

The captain sets sail with just enough space for each of them and their belongings.

They make good progress the first few days through clear waters. A few nights later however, they wake up in the middle of a thrashing storm.

The boat's progress is halted and they can no longer move. ...

A Flat-Earther is lost at sea when he sees a boat off in the distance

then it disappears.

I just watched a documentary about how boats are put together.

Riveting.

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What do you call a Hardcore porno filmed on a boat in the ocean?

Offshore Drilling

The Little Crab

A fisherman was out trying to catch some fish when a tiny little crab scampered up into his boat. It was too small to take back, so he simply threw it overboard.

About ten minutes later, the same crab climbed up into his boat. The fisherman chuckled to himself and threw the crab out again....

What happens when an alligator drives a boat?

He becomes a navigator

What vegetable shouldn't go on a boat?

A Leek!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a penis shaped boat made out of potatoes?

A dictatorship

A man off the boat from China is looking for a job.

A local business man decides to hire him.

He tells the immigrant,

“I will have help out my store with supplies.”

In which he responds in broken English,

“Thank you mista thank you!”

After he shows him around the store, the business goes out for the rest of the day...

Stuttering man on a boat

A man with a stuttering problem got a job working as the lookout person on a boat. He was told to look around for large ships that were headed their way and to yell out the word “ship!” when he saw one coming. A few hours later, the stuttering man yelled “s-s-s-shhh-s-“ but by the time he managed t...

Why did the boat dock collapse under it's own weight?

Too much pier pressure.

A British couple are on a cruise ship. It sinks, and they're the only survivors left, managing to get on a boat

They can spot land not far off. They try as hard as they can to use the oars, but they won't budge.


The wife has an idea, she calls her husband useless and incompetent. The husband retorts and a huge argument begins.


The boat inches slowly towards land. The more they argue and ...

How do boats reproduce if they are all girls?

They are covered in seamen.

Why do North Korean navy boats have glass bottoms

So they can see their Air Force

a friend of mine set up a boat building company in his attic.

the sails were through the roof.

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A little boy and his papa were going on a boat ride

On the car ride to the lake the papa put in a dip. The little boy asked, "Papa, can I have a little dip too?" The papa asked the boy a question in return. "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy responded no and the papa replied back, "Well then you're not old enough, and besides,...

Did you know that all of the boats in Norway have bar codes on the side?

So when the ships come to harbor they can Scandanavian.

Did you hear about the rental boat that didn't allow dogs or women on board?

It was called the Cat-or-a-Man Catamaran.

What’s type of boat does the metric system hate?

Galleons

I couldn't decide whether to use a boat or go swimming, so i aborted my plans.

It was a case of row versus wade

Two Eskimos light a fire in their boat in an attempt to stay warm.

However, the fire burns through the boat and it sinks, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A steamboat captain brought his son along on a short cruise upriver to show him what he does for a living, but all the kid wanted to do was steer the boat. Insisting that his father taught him enough to handle the job, he asked the pilot to let him take the helm...

"Okay..." said the pilot. "But you must pass a small test first. If I asked you to turn to the left, what nautical term should I use?"

"Turn to port!" said the boy.

"Correct!" said the pilot.

"If I wanted you to turn the boat to the right, what direction would that be?"
...

What do you call a girl hanging off the back of a fishing boat?

Annette

When a family's lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, the wife kept hinting to the husband that he should get it fixed, but somehow, he always had something else to take care of first - the shed, the boat, making beer...

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When the husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. The husband watched silently for a minute, went into the house and came out again with a toothbrush. ...

What did the whale say after eating the boat?

"This tastes like ship."

How come the boat couldn’t recite the alphabet?

He’d always get lost at “C”

Why do Nordic boats have barcodes on them?

So after they get back from war, they can Scandinavian.

Heard a boat was capsized the other day

Didn't think it would be that small

When does snow become a boat?

When it’s a drift!

Why do scubadivers roll backwards out of the boat?

If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.

Credit to my girlfriend and boyfriend. They the real heroes.

Two blondes at the cinema, one says to the other I bet that girl falls out of that boat and into the lake, second blonde, no way, I bet you 50 bucks, sure enough the girl falls into the lake, second blonde says how did you know that?

first blonde, I saw this film last week, second says so did I, didn't think she would do it twice.

I was in the middle of a lake in a canoe with my girl friend last week when suddenly the boat sprung a leak. We had to decide whether to try and get the boat back to shore or abandon ship.

We had a real row v. wade debate that day.

3 sailors crash their boat while sailing close to the shore of an unexplored island.

After moving inland, they are captured by members of an indigenous tribe. The tribesmen take the sailors to their chief. The chief, in very broken English, speaks to them,

"You trespass here, now I have test for you. Go deep into forest. Pick for me 3 fruits, and return to me. The test begins...

Most people don't realize that rocking a boat can make it smaller

It will become capsized

What do you call a German Shepherd in a U-boat?

A sub woofer

Shaq recently bought a boat and named it "Free Throw".

He'll never sink it.

You know you can fit any boat on your head

Just flip it upside down. That makes it capsized

Why was Cleopatra sitting on a boat, sad, going down a river?

Because she was in denial.

To earn extra money, I started a home-based business building small boats in my attic ...

Business was really slow until I switched to larger vessels, and now sails are through the roof!

What kind of boat doesn’t let you be nude or swear?

A censorship

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's the motion of the ocean, not the size of the boat that counts

But it takes a long ass time to get to England in a row boat

If you turn a boat over you can wear it as a hat

It’s capsized

I have a boat big enough for 11 people, or

My wife and her two friends.

I took my laptop on the fishing boat one day when it fell in...

It was Adele, rolling in the deep.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman says to her husband after sex-"Oh honey.. Its not the size of the boat, its the motion of the ocean!"

He looks up and yells
"Well it takes a long fucking time to get to England in a canoe!"

A Blonde is driving through rural farm country and sees another blond rowing a boat in the middle of a cornfield...

She pulls to the side of the road and yells "Hey, what the hell are you doing out there?"

The blonde in the boat stops rowing and stands up. "What does it look like I'm doing, I'm going to work!"

Puzzled the blonde in the car gets out and walks to the side of the road and yells, "You k...

Where do you moor two boats that contradict each other?

A paradox

What do you call it when Shrek falls off a boat?

Ogreboard.

One day a sailor gets on his boat named the “SS Sperm whale”

He notices several people looking at him wondering about the name of his boat. He decides to dispel their confusion and spreads his arms wide then says,

“Hey guys! Whalecum!”

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A priest was on a boat with a lot of children

when the boat suddenly starts sinking. The captain shouts to the priest:
"Save yourself!"

"But what about the children?" asks the priest.

"Fuck the children!"

"Do we really have enough time for that?"

TIL that all Norwegian military boats have barcodes on them.

So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.

A captain is on a boat with his first mate.

The first mate says "Sir there's an enemy ship on the horizon!" and the captain says, "bring me my red shirt so you cannot see me bleed." They survive the battle and a while later the first mate says "Sir there's three enemy ships on the horizon!" and again the captain says, "bring me my red shirt s...

Never fall for offers of a free boat..

They'll always get you with the shipping fees

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[Long] My buddy and I were out fishing, when suddenly our boat sank

We both drowned, and I woke up in hell. I see a giant creature slowly walking towards me, when I realize it's the devil himself.

"Welcome to hell!" he yells at me, while guiding me along a long corridor.

"What the hell Satan, why did I end up down here?!" I yelled at him.

"I've...

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Bud Light is like sex on a boat.

It’s fucking too close to water.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It is my sad duty to report the death of my granddad, who was run over by a boat whilst swimming in a canal in Venice...

Thank you to those of you who have already sent your gondolences...

Two fishermen are sitting in a boat indulging in some wordplay.

The first one says, "If I tell you a joke that relies on *casting* the word "rod" in a phallic sense, would you find it *fishy*?"

"Oh," says the second one, "I think I can *tackle* it."

"So... *net-net*, you'd take the *bait*?"

"Oh-ho! *Hook, line, and sinker*!"

"I don't ...