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A family with a little boy is driving behind a trash truck.

Suddenly, a dildo flies out of the truck and hits the windshield.
To save her son‘s innocence, his mother goes: "Wow that was a huge bug!"
To which her son replies: "Dang, how is that bug flying with a cock that big!?"

Why didn’t the cat pick up his trash?

Because kitty litter!

"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a great saying,

but it's a horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

Mom: Can you take out the trash?

Me: Sure. Where do you want to go?

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What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash?

You get what you fucking deserve! *BANG*

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How does a hoarder acquire so much trash

He takes it liter-ally

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

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If all men are trash

That makes women racoons

Last night my friend trashed a Chinese restaurant...

Told him I was horrified by his wonton destruction

A marauding group if small angry marine mammals trashed my house last night.

They left it an otter shambles i tell ya.

A man and woman get married

(An old Jewish joke)

A few weeks into the relationship, she decides to make a delicious roast for dinner. As the husband walks into the kitchen, he sees her slice off a couple inches off each side and toss them into the trash.

"Why did you throw them out? Were they bad?"

"No," ...

What do you call a small protest against dumping trash in North Carolina’s capital?

A little Raleigh Litter Rally — literally!

Whenever I hire people, I throw half of the applications in the trash can.

I don't want any unlucky people working for me.

Cop: Sir, this is a park! Why are you dumping all your trash here?

Me: Officer, did you read the sign? It says “Fine for Littering”

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The teacher asks all students of her class to learn 4 clauses before the next class next day.

Amit goes to his busy dad and says

Amit : Daddy Daddy. Can you please tell me a clause?

Dad : Shut up

Amit : Thank you Daddy

Next, Amit goes to his mom who is busy cleaning trash.

Amit : Mommy Mommy, Can you please tell me a clause?

Mom : Trash

Am...

It's mad windy today. Trash is blowing everywhere

So watch out for your ex.

It is not polite to call people White Trash

The proper label is white non-recyclables



Yeah ok it's not great but it's what I got

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.

The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"


The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reac...

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A translated joke

A man approaches a pig farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs.

The farmer answers: "Oh the pigs? I just feed them whatever trash I have lying around".

The man is shocked, he says "Sir that is animal cruelty! I'll have to fine you 10000$!"

The next day another man approaches ...

There were once two flower shops across the street from each other, but one was more successful than the other.

The one that was more successful was owned by two friars, and they were always the center of attention. Everyone wanted to buy flowers from the cute friars with their funny brown coats. But the owner of the other shop was not making money. He was tired of it. He had asked them many times to close sh...

my sister told me she won’t scatter my ashes in the ocean

she said there was already too much trash in it.

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One time my mother called me a son of a bitch

So I hit her because no one talks trash about my mother, then I hit myself because no one hits my mother. She then hit me because no one hits her son, and then hit herself because no one hits me, so I hit her because no one hits my mother...

What's the difference between the trash can in the Houston Astros dugout and me?

That trash can is getting banged

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I have a trash can fetish

My wet dreams are fucking garbage

What is worse than two children in a trash bin?

One child in two trash bins.

I WOULD take out the trash.....

If only I could pick you up

It is not economically friendly to throw joke books in the trash.

You should always recycle them.

My mom wanted me to take out the trash.

Now she panicking trying to find me.

Wife: I have a bag full of clothes I'd like to donate. Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? It's much easier. Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use the clothes

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits in your clothes is not starving.

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A Russian tourist in NYC doesn't know where to put his trash, finally settling on a side street.

But just as he's about to dump his trash, a police officer pulls up. The tourist tells him that he can't find a place to dump his trash. In return the police officer led the tourist to a beautiful garden with manicured hedges, blooming flowers, and neatly cut grass.

Officer: Here. Dump your t...

My friend claimed that all Jersey girls are trash.

I said that isn't true, trash gets picked up.

A blonde is throwing out an entire trash bag of empty shampoo bottles.

Her neighbor approaches her and says, "wow. that's a lot of shampoo bottles." She says, "of course! I go through one bottle a day. Just following directions." The neighbor, perplexed, says, "what do you mean? Following directions?" The blonde says, "well it says to 'Rinse, Lather, And Repeat' but it...

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

My friend accidentally walked into the dustbin

I told her to stop hitting on trash

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What’s the difference between trash and a prostitute?

A prostitute is recyclable

What do you call it when a light bulb is falling into a trash can?

It’s in-can-descent

I saw an oversized belt in the trash but otherwise it was perfect.

I thought, "what a waist."

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A police officer sees a trail of $50 notes leading to an old woman with two bags of trash.

Curious he approaches the woman and asks:

"Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole".

The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks:

"Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?"
"Well, you see Mr.Officer, I have a lovel...

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash.

Cop’s wife: Stop kicking the door.

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What did the trash can say to the diaper?

I’m fed up of this shit

My wife asked me to take the trash out.

I must admit that it feels a bit weird to sit in a pub and pretend to have a conversation with a garbage bin.

Do you know why there are fewer 'all men are trash' posts now?

Christmas is coming

Dad : One man's trash is another man's treasure.

Son: What?



Dad: I'm putting you up for adoption.

I don’t actually have a joke for you guys, but I do have a really awesome idea for cleaning up the trash on our planet! For one day, every single person in the country grabs a broom and cleans out every dirty corner they can find! It’s become quite popular across the country. You could say it’s...

...sweeping the nation

I hate it when British people talk about the big pile of trash in the ocean.

They shouldn’t talk about their country like that.

Humans and trash cans are very similar

If you stomp the foot, the mouth opens!

What do you call a white trash girl’s bra size?

Hickcups

I really hate articles that say 5 reasons why something is best and 5 reasons why it's the worst.

The whole argument is completely valid for the reason something is best. Which makes it a good article.

It actually makes the article just so contradictory it sucks.

But they are so easy to read and generally they are well written.

There are so many that each time Google recomme...

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Two nuns go into a liquor store

They want to buy a gallon of MD2020, the clerk says I can’t sell alcohol to nuns. The nuns say it’s for mother superiors constipation, so he sells it to them. A half an hour later the clerk goes to take out the trash and he finds the two nuns stinking drunk. He says Sisters I’m shocked, you said it ...

What do Kardashians and trash cans have in common?

They both contain a lot of plastic.

What's worse than finding 2 babies in a trash can?

Finding 1 baby in two trash cans.

How much trash do you have to throw in the ocean to make a new country?

None, just some tea

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So a divorced husband has been seen having sex with a garbage bin

So a divorced husband has been seen having sex with a garbage bin

His ex-wife goes up to him and asks “Woah woah woah, what the hell are you doing?”

The man replies with: “Well you told me im fucking trash, so here we are.”

I bought a trash compactor for my ex-wife

Or, as Victoria Secret calls it - a corset

I'm done buying trash bags...

I always just end up throwing them away anyways

If you advertise your big new TV by putting the box out in the trash, I'm gonna steal it.

My cardboard fort only needs a few more pieces.

I keep telling my boyfriend I don't want trash lying around the house

So he finally took the hint this morning and moved out.

Last year, kids were eating tide pods. This year, they're getting vaccines and picking up trash.

Seems that eating tide pods makes you smart!

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.



At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”



The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the...

Marriage is a lot like PLASTIC BAGS…

They help hold a lot of trash together.

Source: my brother during a round of joke boat on jackbox party pack 6

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A man goes to buy a parrot

He puts it in his car and soon learns that parrot had been rescued from questionable places, as he drives back home with it.

Everyday, he hears it curse and shout profanities to any guest who visits the man. Most guests had left the man's place angry or crying as trash talked them.

The...

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OC: By a hobo, to a hobo, about a hobo (a Melvin tale)

(This story was told to me by my friend Mondo, about our mutual friend Melvin. We're all hobos here, living on the streets in the affluent community of Roseville, California. If you're ever in the area and you see a frail old man carrying a massive green rucksack, give ol' Melvin a beer for me. He w...

A group of three successful bowlers traveled to every bowling alley in their county, talking trash at every alley and winning every game. Finally, the owner of an old ma and pa bowling alley had enough and invited them to a secret underground alley.

The old owner explained the rules to a new type of bowling.


"You place the ball at your feet, and then control the ball with your voice"


"That preposterous" said one of the bowlers.


"No, said the old owner, the acoustics in this room are so finely att...

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A little boy starts kindergarten

The teacher tells the class, “Tomorrow, I want all of you to be able to tell me the first four letters of the alphabet.”

So the boy goes home and approaches his mother in the kitchen, and asks, “What’s the first letter of the alphabet?” His mother glares at him and says, “Shut up, I’m on the ...

What's the difference between a lactating lobster and a trashed bus stop?

One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.

I once saw a man in a wheelchair throw his trash on the ground

I guess he wasn't a stand-up guy

Trash/rubbish bags and condoms are basically the same thing.

You fill them with your junk and they always seem to break and spill everywhere when carrying a big load

Trash cans are all vigilantes

They keep our streets clean when others won't.

Have you seen the new documentary about white trash?

I've only seen the trailer.

A hiring manager had a stack of resumes, took half, and threw them in the trash...

Coworker asks, "what are you doing!?!"

HR Manager said, "I don't like to hire unlucky people."

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Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

What did Frodo forget to do after taking out the trash?

Put a Baggin

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How to make macaroni and cheese

Boil a pot of water, put pasta in water and wait until soft.

Drain water from pasta.

Go into trash can to retrieve box because you forgot how much butter to add

add butter and mix

go back into trash to retrieve box because you forgot how much milk to add

add milk a...

I wanted to join the #trashbag movement and pick up a nasty bag of trash,

but the presidential secret service wouldn't let me anywhere near him.

In protest, my friends and I are gonna march down to the city square dressed in trash that we picked up around the city...

...like litter-rally.

A lime, a lemon, and a pea walked into a bar...

The lime ordered a beer, the lemon got some tequila, and the pea got a diet coke. The lime and lemon watched pea order, and eventually tried to ignore their sense of disgust at a diet coke. They listen to the music being played, drink up their drinks, and eventually get off the stools and pay. As th...

LPT: Use a name brand shopping bag as a trash bag while traveling in Europe

Once the bag is full, take some photos of your surroundings looking away from the shopping bag. By the time you look back, you no longer will have trash to get rid of.

My friend was trashing children's shows, which offended everybody, but then he changed tune and said he want's to revive Nick Jr.

I think he was just trying to save Face

This Grindr App is Trash

Had it for a week now and still can't find anyone to skate with.

I went into the kitchen this morning and noticed the trash was leaking

Or “crying” as she calls it.

Sweden runs out of trash to recycle...

... Where's PewDiePie when you need him.

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How to trash talk but get away with it

Boy: The principal is so dumb!


Girl: Do you know who I am?


Boy: No...


Girl: I am the principal's daughter!


Boy: Do you know who I am?


Girl: No...


Boy: Good! \*Walks away\*

I made a new mixtape, it was trash

Until I played it on my new galaxy note 7, then it was fire

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So my grandad was stumbling through the house after the power went out, looking for a snack of leftover chicken in the fridge, tripped over a trash can and yelled "Aaaargh!" as he fell.

Which came first, the shitcan or the aaargh?

What Do You Call a Broken Dumpster?

A Trash Can't.

My fiance thought that all men are trash

I told her no, there are only a few garbage men in every town

I asked my neighbours if they knew who's the idiot that keeps leaving his trash bags in the elevator.

They didn't so for now I'm gonna keep doing that.

Girl you look like trash...

Let me take you out

I started a job picking up trash for a company called Total.

Unfortunately I have to wear a shirt that says “Total Waste” right across the back

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Discordian Enlightenment

A serious young man found the conflicts of mid 20th Century America confusing. He went to many people seeking a way of resolving within himself the discords that troubled him, but he remained troubled.

One night in a coffee house, a self-ordained Zen Master said to him, "Go to the dilapidated...

A Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic, and a white trash biker...

Three men - a Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farm...

Yesterday, a man comes into a store, buys a newspaper

He looks at the headline and throws it in the trash.

Today, same deal. Buys newspaper, throws it away. The man behind the counter asks for the reason.

"I'm looking for a death notice"

"Shouldn't you be looking in the obituaries, then?"

"The one I'm looking for will make t...

I'm really worried about the incredible amount of trash collecting in our oceans.

Seriously, I haven't seen that much recyclable garbage outside of r/Jokes.

Trash bags are something you buy to throw away.

They seem waste-full.

Why did the baker throw a loaf in the trash?

Because he didn't knead it

Mitch McConnell goes to the doctor....

Mitch McConnell goes to the doctor for a regular checkup. The doctor checks his heart. Then he checks his breathing, his eyes and ears. He does the works. After finishing checking him up and just before sending him out the door McConnell asks.

McConnell: “Hey doc I’d like to donate my body to...

Whenever I take out the trash I always say to my wife “bilbo”

That way she knows to put a new baggins

A secretary is helping her boss sort through job applications to pick a winner

The first thing the boss does is close his eyes, pick out 5 at random, and throw them in the trash. Puzzled, the secretary asks "why did you do that?"

The boss responds, "I dont want to hire an unlucky person"

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