UPJOKE
rubbishjunkgarbagewastelitterdebrisdumpsterdumplandfilldiscardscumtripepanrubblewish-wash

I WOULD take out the trash.....

If only I could pick you up

Just because you are trash doesn't mean that you can't do great things.

It is called garbage can, not garbage cannot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family with a little boy is driving behind a trash truck.

Suddenly, a dildo flies out of the truck and hits the windshield.
To save her son‘s innocence, his mother goes: "Wow that was a huge bug!"
To which her son replies: "Dang, how is that bug flying with a cock that big!?"

Why didn’t the cat pick up his trash?

Because kitty litter!

Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.

Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.

Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"

Man respond, "I check obituary"

"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"

"Putin obituary be on front page"

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

In a small town, a doctor is about to retire and a young colleague comes to replace him.

They visit all the patients together, and the old doctor introduces the young one everywhere.

"Doctor, I've been having a constant stomach ache lately." cries one of the patients.

The old doctor answers,

"Didn't you eat too much fruit? I think you should eat less, that'll make ...

Does anyone know the quote one mans trash is another man's treasure.

Its a great quote but a terrible way to find out your adopted.

What's worse than a baby in a trash can ?

A baby in two trash cans.

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whis...

Did you hear the phrase one man's trash is another man's treasure?

Was my favorite saying, until my parents said it to indicate I was adopted

Want to hear a joke about trash?

Never mind, it's mostly garbage.

You know there's no official training for trash collectors?

They just pick things up as they go along

A man calls the police and reports that his girlfriend has gone missing

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with “This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table”
The officers look confused...

I don't have to take the trash out.

I just tell it I love it and it's all gone by the morning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got an internship for an insurance company.

My job was to review applications, I would receive a notification that a position was open, receive a stack of applications every day, and be expected to vet them and send the up the line for review.

My first day on the job my boss stepped to the desk I was working at, looked at my stack of a...

Someone called me trash, but joke is on them.

I'm an organ donor, I'm recyclable.

"one man's trash is another man's treasure"

Don't understand why my girlfriend's ex keeps sending greeting cards like this...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I look at my gf’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can

Like it’s my next meal

Whenever I get a stack of resumes, I throw half of them in the trash

I sure don't want unlucky people on my team.

A band was about to start a performance, when all of a sudden crazed lunatic rushed onstage, trashed all the instruments, tore everything apart, and ran off.

It was disconcerting.

I don’t get it..Travis Scott is trash, but it seems everyone is dying to see him live

Whoops.

I wasn't offered any training for my new job as a trash collector, but I'm not worried.

I'll just pick it up as I go.

A new Russian "recruit" goes to the Armory to get his weapons.

The armorer looks around, and seeing there are no guns left, hand the soldier a broomstick.

"But Comrade!" complains the recruit. "The enemy have real guns! How will this help me?"

The armorer says to him, "Just point this at them and say 'Bang Bang Bang!' It will work."

"But ...

Don’t call me a “trash picker” …

I prefer to be called a *discardiologist*.

My wife asked me to take out the trash

I spend few hours drinking with the trash, nice guy to hang out with.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash?

You get what you fucking deserve! *BANG*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a hoarder acquire so much trash

He takes it liter-ally

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer sees a trail of $50 notes leading to an old woman with two bags of trash.

Curious he approaches the woman and asks:

"Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole".

The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks:

"Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?"
"Well, you see Mr.Officer, I have a lovel...

What do trash and dead bodies have in common?

Both keep piling up in my backyard.

Why did the blacksmith take out the trash?

Because it smelt bad.

Just came up with this taking out the trash.

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.



The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of re...

A man in Moscow goes up to a newsstand and buys a newspaper…

He then glances at the front page, then turns aside and tosses the whole newspaper straight into the trash.

Next day, he turns up, and does the same thing. Buys it, glances at the front page, throws it in the trash.

Next day, same thing. The newsstand worker is increasingly puzzled, bu...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Did you notice that someone broke your Jack O' Lantern you've got outside?" he comments to the bartender. "Dang it. I spent a lot of time on that and now it's just trash," the bartender complains. "Oh, it's not that bad. I bet you can fix it," the guy says....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walked into a bar and bet the bartender he could amaze him

The bartender says “I’ll take that bet!” and slaps down $20

The man reached into his pocket and pulls out a really small chef. This little chef starts cooking some food.

The bartender says “Wow! He’s got to be less than a foot tall! I am amazed” and gives the man his 20

The bart...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kids Banging on Bins

Everyday this old gentleman would be waken by some local kids banging on some trash bins in the alley outside his house and yelling.

One day the old gentleman went out and said "I really love your youthful energy and joy you bring here - I am so entertained by you all! here, let me pay you e...

A marauding group if small angry marine mammals trashed my house last night.

They left it an otter shambles i tell ya.

My friend claimed that all Jersey girls are trash.

I said that isn't true, trash gets picked up.

What is worse than two children in a trash bin?

One child in two trash bins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If all men are trash

That makes women racoons

You want me to accept that I'm trash?

I refuse.

Determination

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along b...

What’s the difference between a dark, morbid, and absurd joke?

Dark is 10 children in 1 trash can.
Morbid is 1 child in 10 trash cans.
Absurd is 10 trash cans in 1 child.

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a trash can fetish

My wet dreams are fucking garbage

Cop: Sir, this is a park! Why are you dumping all your trash here?

Me: Officer, did you read the sign? It says “Fine for Littering”

Do you know why there are fewer 'all men are trash' posts now?

Christmas is coming

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hello Baby!!

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning in the fathers room the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well I can...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian tourist in NYC doesn't know where to put his trash, finally settling on a side street.

But just as he's about to dump his trash, a police officer pulls up. The tourist tells him that he can't find a place to dump his trash. In return the police officer led the tourist to a beautiful garden with manicured hedges, blooming flowers, and neatly cut grass.

Officer: Here. Dump your t...

What do you call a small protest against dumping trash in North Carolina’s capital?

A little Raleigh Litter Rally — literally!

Have you seen the new documentary about white trash?

I've only seen the trailer.

Last night my friend trashed a Chinese restaurant...

Told him I was horrified by his wonton destruction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wise words and thoughts.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tole...

How much trash do you have to throw in the ocean to make a new country?

None, just some tea

I don’t actually have a joke for you guys, but I do have a really awesome idea for cleaning up the trash on our planet! For one day, every single person in the country grabs a broom and cleans out every dirty corner they can find! It’s become quite popular across the country. You could say it’s...

...sweeping the nation

I bought a trash compactor for my ex-wife

Or, as Victoria Secret calls it - a corset

I'm done buying trash bags...

I always just end up throwing them away anyways

I hate it when British people talk about the big pile of trash in the ocean.

They shouldn’t talk about their country like that.

A hiring manager had a stack of resumes, took half, and threw them in the trash...

Coworker asks, "what are you doing!?!"

HR Manager said, "I don't like to hire unlucky people."

What do Kardashians and trash cans have in common?

They both contain a lot of plastic.

Trash/rubbish bags and condoms are basically the same thing.

You fill them with your junk and they always seem to break and spill everywhere when carrying a big load

If you advertise your big new TV by putting the box out in the trash, I'm gonna steal it.

My cardboard fort only needs a few more pieces.

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash.

Cop’s wife: Stop kicking the door.

My wife asked me to take the trash out.

I must admit that it feels a bit weird to sit in a pub and pretend to have a conversation with a garbage bin.

It is not economically friendly to throw joke books in the trash.

You should always recycle them.

It is not polite to call people White Trash

The proper label is white non-recyclables



Yeah ok it's not great but it's what I got

Wife: I have a bag full of clothes I'd like to donate. Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? It's much easier. Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use the clothes

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits in your clothes is not starving.

My mom wanted me to take out the trash.

Now she panicking trying to find me.

Last year, kids were eating tide pods. This year, they're getting vaccines and picking up trash.

Seems that eating tide pods makes you smart!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

What do you call it when a light bulb is falling into a trash can?

It’s in-can-descent

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between trash and a prostitute?

A prostitute is recyclable

What's the difference between the trash can in the Houston Astros dugout and me?

That trash can is getting banged

Sweden runs out of trash to recycle...

... Where's PewDiePie when you need him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the trash can say to the diaper?

I’m fed up of this shit

A blonde is throwing out an entire trash bag of empty shampoo bottles.

Her neighbor approaches her and says, "wow. that's a lot of shampoo bottles." She says, "of course! I go through one bottle a day. Just following directions." The neighbor, perplexed, says, "what do you mean? Following directions?" The blonde says, "well it says to 'Rinse, Lather, And Repeat' but it...

A group of three successful bowlers traveled to every bowling alley in their county, talking trash at every alley and winning every game. Finally, the owner of an old ma and pa bowling alley had enough and invited them to a secret underground alley.

The old owner explained the rules to a new type of bowling.


"You place the ball at your feet, and then control the ball with your voice"


"That preposterous" said one of the bowlers.


"No, said the old owner, the acoustics in this room are so finely att...

I went into the kitchen this morning and noticed the trash was leaking

Or “crying” as she calls it.

A Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic, and a white trash biker...

Three men - a Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farm...

Trash cans are all vigilantes

They keep our streets clean when others won't.

An oldie but a goodie...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police. They find 3 potato sacks set out for trash collection on the side of the road. They each jump in one.

Having lost the girls, the police stop at the potato sacks because they see the sacks moving. An officer pokes the sack conta...

Humans and trash cans are very similar

If you stomp the foot, the mouth opens!

What do you call a white trash girl’s bra size?

Hickcups

I saw an oversized belt in the trash but otherwise it was perfect.

I thought, "what a waist."

I made a new mixtape, it was trash

Until I played it on my new galaxy note 7, then it was fire

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s a bird… errr

A mother and her young son were traveling to school early one morning when they unexpectedly got behind a garbage truck.

After following the garbage truck for a little bit there was trash occasionally falling out of the back of the truck. All of a sudden a giant purple dildo came flying out ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This little boy came down to breakfast

and when he got to the table, his mom had ,bacon, eggs and milk on the table, but before he could eat, he had to take out the trash like his mother told him the night before. He was pissed, so he stormed out the door, and on his way to the trash bin he kicked a chicken, and then a pig and a cow. Whe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Favorite Joke (NSFW)

What's green and has 23 tits?






The trash can behind a Cancer Clinic.

A man was looking for a unique pet...

A man was looking for a unique pet so he stopped at a pet store off the beaten path in New York City. He went inside and asked the pet shop owner to show him something different.

"Well right over here we have a magic rat. I won't tell you what it does but trust me, it is unique."

His c...

I asked my neighbours if they knew who's the idiot that keeps leaving his trash bags in the elevator.

They didn't so for now I'm gonna keep doing that.

I once saw a man in a wheelchair throw his trash on the ground

I guess he wasn't a stand-up guy

I wanted to join the #trashbag movement and pick up a nasty bag of trash,

but the presidential secret service wouldn't let me anywhere near him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day in class the teacher asks the students to tell a story that has a lesson?

Suzie puts her hand up and tells a story about the time she was at the beach and jumped into the water and cut her leg badly on a jagged rock she didn't see. She said the lesson of the story was to look before you leap.

Next Pete told a story about how he went with his dad to a junkyard and t...

In protest, my friends and I are gonna march down to the city square dressed in trash that we picked up around the city...

...like litter-rally.

My fiance thought that all men are trash

I told her no, there are only a few garbage men in every town

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.