UPJOKE
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Trash Jokes

I WOULD take out the trash.....

If only I could pick you up
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Why didn’t the cat pick up his trash?

Because kitty litter!
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Just because you are trash doesn't mean that you can't do great things.

It is called garbage can, not garbage cannot.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family with a little boy is driving behind a trash truck.

Suddenly, a dildo flies out of the truck and hits the windshield.
To save her son‘s innocence, his mother goes: "Wow that was a huge bug!"
To which her son replies: "Dang, how is that bug flying with a cock that big!?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer sees a trail of $50 notes leading to an old woman with two bags of trash.

Curious he approaches the woman and asks:

"Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole".

The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks:

"Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?"
"Well, you see Mr.Officer, I have a lovel...

One man's trash is another Man's treasure

Is not the way to tell your son he is adopted.
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A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.



The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of re...
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Don’t call me a “trash picker” …

I prefer to be called a *discardiologist*.
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Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.

Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.

Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"

Man respond, "I check obituary"

"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"

"Putin obituary be on front page"
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Whenever I get a stack of resumes, I throw half of them in the trash

I sure don't want unlucky people on my team.
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Learning to collect trash wasn't that hard.

I just picked it up as I went along.
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Like my Dad used to say to me "One man’s trash is another man’s treasure"

Wonderful saying but a terrible way to find out you were adopted.
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You know there's no official training for trash collectors?

They just pick things up as they go along
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I'm done buying trash bags...

I always just end up throwing them away anyways
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Have you seen the new documentary about white trash?

I've only seen the trailer.
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I bought a trash compactor for my ex-wife

Or, as Victoria Secret calls it - a corset
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Want to hear a joke about trash?

Never mind, it's mostly garbage.
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I don't have to take the trash out.

I just tell it I love it and it's all gone by the morning.
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A hiring manager had a stack of resumes, took half, and threw them in the trash...

Coworker asks, "what are you doing!?!"

HR Manager said, "I don't like to hire unlucky people."
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A 95 year old man and his 94 year old wife see a lawyer about a divorce.

The lawyer asks them when they got married.

"I was 19" says the man.

"That means you've been married for 75 years at least" the lawyer points out

"Yes. And all of it misery" says the woman.

"Really? When did you start to regret the marriage?"

"Almost immediately,...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I look at my gf’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can

Like it’s my next meal

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What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash?

You get what you fucking deserve! *BANG*

I don’t get it..Travis Scott is trash, but it seems everyone is dying to see him live

Whoops.
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"one man's trash is another man's treasure"

Don't understand why my girlfriend's ex keeps sending greeting cards like this...
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A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whis...
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I wasn't offered any training for my new job as a trash collector, but I'm not worried.

I'll just pick it up as I go.
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What is worse than two children in a trash bin?

One child in two trash bins.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a hoarder acquire so much trash

He takes it liter-ally

My friend claimed that all Jersey girls are trash.

I said that isn't true, trash gets picked up.
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If all men are trash

That makes women racoons

Do you know why there are fewer 'all men are trash' posts now?

Christmas is coming
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Why did the blacksmith take out the trash?

Because it smelt bad.

Just came up with this taking out the trash.
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My wife asked me to take out the trash

I spend few hours drinking with the trash, nice guy to hang out with.
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A man in Moscow goes up to a newsstand and buys a newspaper…

He then glances at the front page, then turns aside and tosses the whole newspaper straight into the trash.

Next day, he turns up, and does the same thing. Buys it, glances at the front page, throws it in the trash.

Next day, same thing. The newsstand worker is increasingly puzzled, bu...
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I have a trash can fetish

My wet dreams are fucking garbage

Cop: Sir, this is a park! Why are you dumping all your trash here?

Me: Officer, did you read the sign? It says “Fine for Littering”
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My wife asked me to take the trash out.

I must admit that it feels a bit weird to sit in a pub and pretend to have a conversation with a garbage bin.
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It is not economically friendly to throw joke books in the trash.

You should always recycle them.
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You want me to accept that I'm trash?

I refuse.
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What do trash and dead bodies have in common?

Both keep piling up in my backyard.
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While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...
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A Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic, and a white trash biker...

Three men - a Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farm...
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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

How much trash do you have to throw in the ocean to make a new country?

None, just some tea
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If you advertise your big new TV by putting the box out in the trash, I'm gonna steal it.

My cardboard fort only needs a few more pieces.
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Sweden runs out of trash to recycle...

... Where's PewDiePie when you need him.
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Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash.

Cop’s wife: Stop kicking the door.
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What did the trash can say to the diaper?

I’m fed up of this shit

I went into the kitchen this morning and noticed the trash was leaking

Or “crying” as she calls it.
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A Russian tourist in NYC doesn't know where to put his trash, finally settling on a side street.

But just as he's about to dump his trash, a police officer pulls up. The tourist tells him that he can't find a place to dump his trash. In return the police officer led the tourist to a beautiful garden with manicured hedges, blooming flowers, and neatly cut grass.

Officer: Here. Dump your t...

A group of three successful bowlers traveled to every bowling alley in their county, talking trash at every alley and winning every game. Finally, the owner of an old ma and pa bowling alley had enough and invited them to a secret underground alley.

The old owner explained the rules to a new type of bowling.


"You place the ball at your feet, and then control the ball with your voice"


"That preposterous" said one of the bowlers.


"No, said the old owner, the acoustics in this room are so finely att...
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What do you call a small protest against dumping trash in North Carolina’s capital?

A little Raleigh Litter Rally — literally!
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George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity

Just like one of his characters.

(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)
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I hate it when British people talk about the big pile of trash in the ocean.

They shouldn’t talk about their country like that.
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Trash/rubbish bags and condoms are basically the same thing.

You fill them with your junk and they always seem to break and spill everywhere when carrying a big load
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What do Kardashians and trash cans have in common?

They both contain a lot of plastic.
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I made a new mixtape, it was trash

Until I played it on my new galaxy note 7, then it was fire
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What's worse than finding 2 babies in a trash can?

Finding 1 baby in two trash cans.
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Wife: I have a bag full of clothes I'd like to donate. Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? It's much easier. Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use the clothes

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits in your clothes is not starving.
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Last year, kids were eating tide pods. This year, they're getting vaccines and picking up trash.

Seems that eating tide pods makes you smart!
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What's the difference between trash and a Jersey Girl?

The trash gets picked up regularly
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I don’t actually have a joke for you guys, but I do have a really awesome idea for cleaning up the trash on our planet! For one day, every single person in the country grabs a broom and cleans out every dirty corner they can find! It’s become quite popular across the country. You could say it’s...

...sweeping the nation
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walked into a bar and bet the bartender he could amaze him

The bartender says “I’ll take that bet!” and slaps down $20

The man reached into his pocket and pulls out a really small chef. This little chef starts cooking some food.

The bartender says “Wow! He’s got to be less than a foot tall! I am amazed” and gives the man his 20

The bart...

What do you call it when a light bulb is falling into a trash can?

It’s in-can-descent
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What's the difference between the trash can in the Houston Astros dugout and me?

That trash can is getting banged
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What do you call a white trash girl’s bra size?

Hickcups
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I saw an oversized belt in the trash but otherwise it was perfect.

I thought, "what a waist."
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I keep telling my boyfriend I don't want trash lying around the house

So he finally took the hint this morning and moved out.
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It is not polite to call people White Trash

The proper label is white non-recyclables



Yeah ok it's not great but it's what I got
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A blonde is throwing out an entire trash bag of empty shampoo bottles.

Her neighbor approaches her and says, "wow. that's a lot of shampoo bottles." She says, "of course! I go through one bottle a day. Just following directions." The neighbor, perplexed, says, "what do you mean? Following directions?" The blonde says, "well it says to 'Rinse, Lather, And Repeat' but it...
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What’s the difference between trash and a prostitute?

A prostitute is recyclable

Humans and trash cans are very similar

If you stomp the foot, the mouth opens!
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A man calls the police and reports that his girlfriend has gone missing

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with “This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table”
The officers look confused...
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Trash cans are all vigilantes

They keep our streets clean when others won't.
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I asked my neighbours if they knew who's the idiot that keeps leaving his trash bags in the elevator.

They didn't so for now I'm gonna keep doing that.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to trash talk but get away with it

Boy: The principal is so dumb!


Girl: Do you know who I am?


Boy: No...


Girl: I am the principal's daughter!


Boy: Do you know who I am?


Girl: No...


Boy: Good! \*Walks away\*

I wanted to join the #trashbag movement and pick up a nasty bag of trash,

but the presidential secret service wouldn't let me anywhere near him.
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What did Frodo forget to do after taking out the trash?

Put a Baggin
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What’s the difference between a dark, morbid, and absurd joke?

Dark is 10 children in 1 trash can.
Morbid is 1 child in 10 trash cans.
Absurd is 10 trash cans in 1 child.
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My wife says I never take out the trash. I disagree.

We just had our anniversary dinner last week.
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Trash bags are something you buy to throw away.

They seem waste-full.
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I once saw a man in a wheelchair throw his trash on the ground

I guess he wasn't a stand-up guy
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In protest, my friends and I are gonna march down to the city square dressed in trash that we picked up around the city...

...like litter-rally.
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LPT: Use a name brand shopping bag as a trash bag while traveling in Europe

Once the bag is full, take some photos of your surroundings looking away from the shopping bag. By the time you look back, you no longer will have trash to get rid of.
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So my grandad was stumbling through the house after the power went out, looking for a snack of leftover chicken in the fridge, tripped over a trash can and yelled "Aaaargh!" as he fell.

Which came first, the shitcan or the aaargh?

I'm really worried about the incredible amount of trash collecting in our oceans.

Seriously, I haven't seen that much recyclable garbage outside of r/Jokes.
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Whenever I take out the trash I always say to my wife “bilbo”

That way she knows to put a new baggins
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You hear about the kid that threw his biology test in the trash, yet still managed to pass?

Turns out, it was bio-D-gradable.
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What do you call garbage wrapped in small trash bags?

...dumplings
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I'm reminded of the story of a man who rode a bike made from trash scavenged at the local dump

he called it recycling.
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What do you call a trash talking mushroom?

Shittalki

Whenever I shoot something into the trash, I yell "Kobe!"

But then, my friend follows up by yelling "Jack!" I don't get what he's trying to say, but he sure is acting cheesy.
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This Grindr App is Trash

Had it for a week now and still can't find anyone to skate with.
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My fiance thought that all men are trash

I told her no, there are only a few garbage men in every town
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What do you call trash talking the person next doors and immediately act friendly around them?

Trump.
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A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...
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Why aren't jokes on r/jokes trash?

Because they're all recycled.
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The HR takes the top 20 application folders from the pile and throw it in the trash.

Those people have bad luck. We don't want people with bad luck.
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Hello Baby!!

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning in the fathers room the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well I can...

A 50-year old woman is very pleased with her new facelift. (Long)

She goes to the bank and steps up to the counter. She asks the teller, "How old do you think I am?"

The teller looks her up and down and guesses 35.

"Nope, 50!" she says, and goes to Subway for lunch.

She asks the sandwich artist behind the counter, "How old do you think I am?"<...
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