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Mortgage Jokes

I thought people would flock to my bank if I offered 0% mortgages.

But there was literally no interest.

Mortgage

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a su...

What do you call a woman who sets her mortgage documents on fire?

Bernadette

Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment!

I still owe like $262,000, but I'm just not going pay them any more.

A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest

The man enters the bank.

Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgage

Employee: I don’t really care.

I explained to my wife that we’ll be paying twice as much as our house is worth over the life of our 30-year mortgage.

She said “interesting.”

I wish I could find out what happened to my neighbor who couldn't pay his mortgage.

You know, for closure.

Got a variable rate mortgage on a haunted house and a cheap psychic to cleanse the spirits.

A month later it was repossessed.

How does a vampire pay the mortgage?

With cryptocurrency

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A snobby young couple was walking through Central Park, discussing their massive credit card and mortgage debt.

As they worried about how to continue their rich lifestyle, a grubby homeless guy appears from behind a bush. He says, “Pssst! hey! I’ll give you a thousand bucks if you let me lick your wife’s boobs.”

The couple were appalled and hurry away. After a few seconds, the wife whispers, “You kn...

Did you hear about the ghost who didn't pay his mortgage?

His house was repossessed

Little Johnny & his mortgage issues

Little Johnny asked his dad for a $100 bike for his birthday. Johnny's dad said, "We have an $90,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $100 bike!" Three days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His dad asks him why he's le...

What do you call a platypus wearing a tuxedo that takes out a loan to buy stock in a mortgage company?

Interesting

Last mortgage payment!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. "Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment!" the guy announces. "I mean, I still owe $273,000, I just can't pay it any more."

Why was the mortgage so clingy?

It hated being alone.

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

My friend mortgaged everything to open a Mexican bakery...

Now he makes his living pan handling.

What was the US subprime mortgage afraid of?

Dying a loan.

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In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.

A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner.

Things go ...

A rich man on his deathbead...

calls his three lawyers in for a final consultation.

"They say you can't take it with you, but I'm going to prove them wrong! I'm giving you each a third of my money. At my funeral, I want you to throw it in my grave so that it's buried with me."

After the funeral, the lawyers are ...

Two Beggars in London. (NSFW)

Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of London ...

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot ...

I need a raise.

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. ...

Why couldn't Spongebob get a mortgage?

Because his house was underwater.

Why did the newly widowed woman stop paying her mortgage?

For closure.

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

This man was able to retire at 35 with two kids and a mortgage! Click here to see how!

He died

Little boy asks his dad for a new bike.

His dad says, 'Gee son. I'm sorry but we have a $40,000 a year mortgage and your mom just lost her job so I really can't get you one right now."

Boy says, 'OK pops. I understand." and goes off to his room.

The next morning his dad is in the kitchen making coffee and getting ready for w...

Death Penalty Abolished In Most Of The Developed Countries

They have mortgage as an alternative.

What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house?

Mortgage freeman.

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Smart home

is the one that quietly connects to neighbors wi-fi and power grid at night, then mines crypto currency to pay for its own mortgage. And not all that bullshit they advertise on tv.

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After graduating from college, a woman comes home and confesses to her father, "After four years of college, I ain't a virgin anymore."

"I'm very disappointed in you," says the father. "Ever since you were just a little one, you were very bright. You got amazing grades in school, and you were actually the first member of our rural family to get accepted into college. To afford it, I had to get a second mortgage on the farm and sell ...

A charity collector paid a visit to the town miser.

"I know you made a profit of more than $500,000 last year alone. Yet you haven't made one donation to our charity!" he berated the miser.

The miser looked up in anger.
"Well, did you also know about my elderly mother, who is currently undergoing an expensive, prolonged treatment for her he...

The loan officer approved my plan to go forward and take out a mortgage for the horse farm I've been looking at.

He called it a stable investment.

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A man goes to his doctor and tells him...

... that his wife has been refusing to have sex with him for the last several months. The doctor reassures him that he will find a solution, asks him to send his wife in, and wait outside.

The wife says, "You see doctor, we have a lot of mortgages and our jobs do not pay well. I take a cab ev...

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The bastard frog love child of Mick Jagger

On a wild drunken night after one of his gigs, Mick Jagger gets involved in a really kinky and depraved orgy. Amongst the participants that crazy night was a party loving groupie frog called Freya.
A couple of months later, Freya noticed that one of her new little tadpoles was quite different t...

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A researcher carrying out a phone survey on marital sex...

phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband: "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse, you answered 'once a week,' but your wife answered 'several times a night.'"

"That's correct," said the husband. "And that's the way it's going to be unti...

The Donald

President Trump walks into a local bank in New York to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?" ...

Republicans should have done more to stop predatory mortgages.

Maybe their house wouldn’t have been repossessed.

I have no title

If you ever feel useless, just think about the mortgage feature on Monopoly deeds.

A guy came up to me the other day, and shoved a gun into my face. He demanded my 'money or my life'.

Guess who the burned-out pencil pusher with a mortgage and a loveless marriage is now.

Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.

He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United S...

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DIARY of a POMMIE EXPAT in AUSTRALIA

August 31

Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally...

Mortgages are going up....

But you try telling a homeless person how lucky they are!

Rising sea levels have lowered the value of my home.

Now my mortgage is underwater.

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Oh, Little Johnny.....at it again

One day, about a week prior to his birthday, Little Johnny’s dad asks, “Johnny, I know your birthday is coming up, and your mother and I really want it to be a good one, but with your mother losing her job recently, and the fact that we have a $280,000 mortgage, we may not be able to spend too much....

Waiting on God

There once was an old lady, with 3 grown sons, who was losing her house. She told them, "Don't worry, boys, I've been praying and the Lord will come through for me!"

The next day, one son wins the lottery. She's happy for him, but she won't accept any money to save the house. She says, "I'm...

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A very poor man

decided his last resort was to write a letter to God. His family was going hungry. He was behind on all of his bills. He became unemployed, and started to grow ill. He wrote "Dear heavenly father. I've no other resources. No other place to turn. I don't ask for much. I really just need $1500 to catc...

How many geek squad geeks does it take to change out a lightbulb?

1. Just sign here on the new mortgage and turn in your old house. The new one comes with all new bulbs and they're all guaranteed for 3 years. Would you like the home warranty with that?

America

How to rescue the economy:

Dear President Obama,

Patriotic retirement:

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force;

pay them $1 million a piece severance with stipulations:

1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed....

A husband and wife are out to dinner for their anniversary...

The husband raises his glass and toasts “To 50 wonderful years together. It may not have always been easy, but I have always loved you and been honest with you, and I hope you have always loved and been honest with me as well”

The wife replies, “Well, remember when we were first married and y...

A bank CEO goes to Russia on a business trip.

While touring around Moscow, he gets into a nice restaurant. After ordering his food, he sees a beautiful woman sitting in the bar, looking at him. They start making eye-contact and eventually the CEO invites her over, being the nice gentleman he is. She accepts the invite and sits across the table....

Shovels, Asses and Camels

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this ...

Clergy with terrible, terrible habits.

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.

The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to k...

A frog went to the bank to take out a mortgage.

He sat down with Patty Mack the banker, and began the negotiations.

His credit score wasn't bad, but when it came to the subject of collateral, he was a little unsure. Collectables and other odds and ends were all he had to offer.

Patty was not convinced. No car? No property? Littl...

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One Sunday after church,

Father Tom was approached by Dave, who had been a regular churchgoer for years, but had recently been missing service. Father Tom asked him if everything was okay, as he had missed several services over the last few months. Dave told Father Tom "I've been working non-stop trying to save my business....

Signs you drink too much coffee

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of ...

A middle aged man was walking home one friday .

Instead of taking his company bus he decided to walk up the mountain road ,see the beautiful sunset and take a train on the other side. His time calculation went wrong and it became dark ,he was still on the inclined mountain road .While walking hurriedly he noticed shadow of a man standing near a d...

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Financial burdens

So this couple is going over their budget and notices that this week they aren't going to be able to pay the electric bill this month. The husband turns to the wife to let her know that in order to cover the budget she is going to have to start hooking to pay the mortgage, but not to worry as he wi...

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A man breaks his leg, and is going to miss a lot of work.

He and his wife are desperately trying to figure out how they'll pay his medical bills, not to mention their mortgage and car payments which are going to be due soon.

Finally, the man hesitantly says "Listen, honey, you know I love you, but we're desperate, here. I can only think of one way w...

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So a 98 year old Jewish guy...

....wins a $250,000,000 lottery. He has to take the lump some, and knows he'll never spend it all, so he throws a huge party. Everyone from his Temple and everyone else he knows is there. He hands out scholarships that will last generations. He pays for great Grand children's weddings in advance. He...

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The King and his donkey? Father Murphy tried that too...

[BringItOnFellas' previous version here](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2dru6u/a_king_enrolled_his_donkey_in_a_race_and_won/)

Father Murphy's parish was always scratching for the mortgage payment, until one day he came up with a plan: they would buy a racehorse, enter it in a few race...

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Funny but old fake adopt an Enron Exec email from way back.

Remember that whole Enron Scandal? I was looking through some old computer back up disks and found this. Probably wont be funny to younger kids but some old farts like me might get a chuckle:


**Adopt an Enron Executive**

Dear kind-hearted friends...Now that the holiday season has p...

A woman joins the army....

A woman was walking through a store when she noticed a colorful flyer pinned to a billboard. It reads:

JOIN THE ARMY NOW! You will receive benefits such as:
• Free college education
• Many veteran benefits
• Experience in many fields of work
• Travel
• Any free car after a sp...

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