UPJOKE
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Dumpster Jokes

What's the difference between a Texas energy company and a Dumpster Fire?

A Dumpster Fire creates affordable light and heat.

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I asked my friend what a cum dumpster was

He said, look behind you, you'll find it.

Some might say america is a dumpster fire right now

But that's not true because a dumpster fire can actually give a homeless person a source of heat

What Do You Call a Broken Dumpster?

A Trash Can't.

Have you heard the joke about the miniature dumpster?

I’d tell it here, but it’s a little trashy.

Just took a nap in the dumpster.

No hobo.

I saw a bunch of baby kittens by a dumpster...

Didn't anyone tell their mother not to litter?

Two homeless men are dumpster diving for food outside of a synagogue...

One of the men pops his head out and says to the other, “Man, these onion rings are really chewy!”

I saw a bunch of kids trying to throw another kid into a dumpster and I had to step in.

They weren't tall enough to get him over the top.

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What does a bum call a dumpster?

Bed and Breakfast.

A couple of banjo jokes

Q: What's perfect pitch?

A: Tossing a banjo into a dumpster and not hitting the sides.



Q: What's the difference between a busload of banjo players and a busload of frogs?

A: More likely than not, the busload of frogs is going to a gig.

I called the local council and asked if I could have a skip outside my house.

The lady replied, "mate you can do cartwheels and handstands for all I care"

- For those not in the UK, a skip is like a dumpster

My Math Professor Told Us This Joke Today.

A mathematician had a change of heart and decided to embark on a career change to become a fire fighter. He walks into a fire station, approaches the supervisor and demands to be hired.

Even though there were positions open, the supervisor doesn't consider the mathematician very practical and...

When do you know if you have perfect pitch?

When you pitch an accordion into a dumpster and it perfectly smashes a banjo.

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A blonde prostitute is working the corner with her friends...

... when a prospective client walks up to her.

"H-how much?" the man asks. The blonde whispers the price in his ear, and he quickly agrees.

As they're walking away, her fellow prostitutes call out: "Aren't you forgetting something?"

The man turns back nervously, then feels for h...

What’s worse than five babies in a dumpster?

One baby in five dumpsters.

I caught two bears banging around in the dumpster behind my house last night.

Apparently, their gym memberships expired.

Saw a homeless man going through a dumpster

Told him to leave my home

I named my dog dumpster and I've been getting pretty nasty looks when I call for him at the local dog park lately.

COME, DUMPSTER!

Last night Philadelphia residents climbed light poles, flipped over cars, and set dumpsters on fire

Then things really got out of hand when they learned the Eagles won the Super Bowl

Bragging to me about being with my ex wife is the same as….

Bragging about eating a sandwich I threw in the dumpster

A math joke

A mathematician quits his job at a major university to pursue work as a firefighter. At his local fire station, the firefighters are impressed with the mathematician's resume and ask him a few questions.

"What do you do if you pass a Dumpster, and it's on fire?"

The mathematician respo...

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I found a homeless girl behind a dumpster once

So I took her home and gave her a bath. She was pretty and one thing led to another we started having sex.

At one point we were shagging so hard the noises she was making, you would of thought she was still alive.

What do Nascar and a Kinko's dumpster have in common?

They're both filled with white trash.

-&y

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.

As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock.

Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to a...

The Robbery

It was a late one night in Washington D.C, when a well dressed man went out to smoke in an alley behind a bar.

As he was smoking, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped out from behind a dumpster and pointed a gun at him.

"Give me all your money!" he demanded.

Indignant, the affluen...

Never compare yourself to others

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've come to realize my trash dumpster has a better life than I do," he tells the bartender. "It gets taken out once a week and gets to stay out all night."

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A nun walks in to a liquor store

(this is the best joke my drunk dad ever told me)

A nun walks in to a liquor store while dressed in her habit and grabs a bottle of Jack Daniels. When she gets to the counter, the clerk looked a little more than surprised. She told him, "don't worry, it's medicinal. It's for Mother Superior's...

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If Trump wins in 2020 and has a terrible term as President - don't blame him.

It's likely because he inherited a shit show dumpster fire from the previous 2016 presidency.

How many hobos does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in dumpsters

Thought I had written something clever until i started telling this one and no one got it.

I made a trip to the local dump yesterday and while I was there, I noticed that one of the employees was coughing and struggling to breathe, trying to heft a bag into a dumpster. So I went over to him and asked "excuse me sir, are you alright? Do you need a hand?" And he just replies "Nah I'm used t...

Vaccination awareness is rising

Last night I saw a young man vaccinate himself behind a dumpster

There was a blond, brunette and a redhead running from a cop...

They turn down an alley and it's a dead end. The blond hides in a sack of potatoes. The brunette hides in a dumpster and the redhead hides in a trashcan.

The cop comes running down the alley and doesn't see them. So he walks over to the trashcan and kicks it.

"Meow!" Meows the redhead...

Putting the new dry cleaner shop next to the Planned Parenthood was probably a bad idea.

All those discarded wire hangers in the dumpster aren’t helping the cause.

How do you make Alabama-style chicken?

Cook it over a dumpster fire and then serve it face down in a pool of its own blood.

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There was once a man named Juan...

Juan was the most charismatic person around, and because of this he made a brilliant teacher. All of his students loved him, and Juan had helped their grades go up by at least 10%. So of course, when the principal at the time resigned Juan's pupils pushed him to become the next principal and so he d...

Parrot

A woman walks by a pet store everyday on her way to work and everyday the parrot out front calls her ugly!! Finally she confronts the store owner her apologizes profusely. He scolds the bird and promised that it wouldn’t happen again. Next day she walks by the store and again the parrot calls her ug...

The Bar with the Golden Toilet

A guy is recounting his previous night's drunken adventure to his buddy.

"I'm telling ya man. This is the best bar in the whole city. Every Friday night they have all you can drink specials for $2. And the best part... a sorority house is right next door and the place is just filled with youn...

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Three homeless guys are looking for a place to sleep for the night

(It's a long one but bear with it).

The first guy comes across a dumpster in an alleyway, he decides it's too cold to keep looking and climbs inside.

The second guy walks to the end of the alleyway and finds an abandoned car, he gets to work on picking the lock as he decides that's whe...

Ubisoft giving out copies of Unity for free is so disrespectful

First theirs a cathedral burning everyone needs to worry about now Ubisoft is sending dumpster fires to everyone

A person was walking in a dark alley one night

When suddenly, a mugger appears from behind a dumpster.

"Give me your phone and your wallet! This is a holdup"

"HELP! SOMEONE IS TRYING TO KILL ME!"

"Wait! No! I'm just robbing you!"

"It was only a suggestion."

Bad artists excel at being trash

Good thing dumpster diving isn't a competition

We wanted to bury our cat Ivy under our ivy

but it was too thick to get through so we renamed it dumpster instead.

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Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Six was never the same after the war. The metallic clang of a dumpster closing and a garbage truck in the morning would bring him back to the enemy tanks running over innocent houses and villages whilst he and his surviving mates hid cowering in the bushes waiting for the metallic monstrosities to p...

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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "If I show you something you've never seen before, can I drink for free?"

The bartender looks skeptical.

"Ive seen a lot of things bud, but sure, lets see what you got."

The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a very small piano and sets it on the bar. Then he takes out a man, about a foot tall, wearing a very fancy tuxedo and sets him on the bar ...

A guy walks out of a bar

On his way home he heads up an alley way and in that alley way, he sees a dumpster with a lamp in it

The guy picks up the lamp, opens its lid and a genie pops out saying “ I am the genie of the lost lamp and I will grant you 3 wishes but whatever you ask for, you’re ex wife gets double”
...

ClichĂŠ: A guy is drinking in a bar.

He has quite a few drinks and the bar tender has to cut him off. The guy stumbles out of the bar very drunk. As he stumbling down the street he sees a nun passing by. Just as she is passing him he punches her square in the nose. While she is on the ground, he kicks her in the ribs several times. The...

A man and a woman are having their firstborn child

Several hours after the baby is delivered the doctor rushes out to the waiting room where the man is and says “SIR WE’VE DISCOVERED YOUR BABY CAN FLY!!! Come quickly!!” The man, astonished by this news, rushes with the doctor to the room where his wife and child are. The doctor picks the baby up and...

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Death visits Earth one day to claim the life of John the lawyer

Death visits Earth one day to claim the life of John the lawyer. When He enters John's office, John figures out what's going on and starts laughing hysterically. "What's up with the scythe? You look like an out-of-work farmer", he says. Red with embarrassment, Death storms out.

The next day,...

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A Texas Man Moves To Alaska

So a Texas man moves to Alaska to find more oil for his company to drill. Here gets bored one night and goes to a local bar. The man sees "Impossible Challenge: Free beer for life for the winner!", out of curiosity he asks the bartender about it. "Hey bartender, what's the challenge?" The man asked....

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A young painter once had an old ladder

The ladder was one he’d found in a dumpster a few years before and, since he was poor and needed a ladder, he snatched it up and considered himself lucky. Over time, as he used the ladder on large murals, it would invariably be off-kilter, would not sit flush to the wall, or a rung would slip and ro...

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[NSFW] Offensive as Fuck

What's big and blue and has 300 nipples?


The dumpster outside the breast cancer clinic.

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My name is Juan

Juan was the custodian at a local grade school. Everyone loved Juan. He was so sweet and compassionate with the kids and did a wonderful job. One day the principal came up to Juan and said:

“You know Juan, you care about this school so much, maybe you should run for the board of education”...

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A rich vampire and a poor vampire walks into a bar that serves blood.

The bartender first approached the rich vampire to take his order.

"Good evening sir. Can I take your order?"

"Ah yes. Bring me a fresh blood of a virgin, and type AB negative please." he replied.

"Okay sir. Just a moment and I'll serve your drink."

The bartender then wen...

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I live about a four miles from my favorite pub - The Horse Brass.

It’s a 10 minute drive. I had a couple pints with my buddies and walked out to the car, and realized I needed to take a piss. Walk back? Nah, just get home, it’s 10 minutes.

About halfway home I realized the beer pee was filling fast so I pulled in behind the Walgreens where the dumpsters ar...

Supplies

An American, German, and a Chinese fellow are working at a construction site. The foreman points at a pile of debris and tells the American, "I need you to shovel this pile into the dumpster." He tells the German, "I want you to sweep up after him." He tells Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supp...

One day, a woman had 99 children.

She was the first woman to have this many children, and she was extremely surprised, and also shocked since she did not have the patience to come up with a name for every one, so she decided to name them simply 1-99. So the first child was one, and the next was two, and so on.

Three years lat...

A joke my dad has been telling for 45 years

My dad played high school baseball, and the second baseman, John, eventually grew up to be a very successful accountant and married his high school sweetheart. Over the next 25 years, John also collected rare and antique baseball cards, eventually accumulating the world's most expensive collection…<...

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

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2 bums

2 bums have a competition every day to see who gets the best finds. So on this very day they both wake up and set out in opposite directions in search of their treasures. At the end of the day they meet back up to compare what they have found, and the first bum says to the second, "I have you beat!...

A gangrene infection

A doctor at a hospital was out back on a smoke break and noticed a man standing at the nearby dumpster. He approached the man to make sure everything was ok and noticed that this man was suffering from a gangrene infection on his leg. Being a caring doctor, he invites the man into the hospital to ha...

There was once a skeleton who enjoyed comedy...

Jokes and humorous anecdotes were his life. He watched every big comedian on TV, devoted many hours after work to finding new comedy clubs with new comedians. There was nothing else to his life but comedy.

One day, the skeleton is going through the back alley to a small, unknown comedy club, ...

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One Friday morning, Akshit Singh lost his dear pet cat.

He frantically searched around the neighborhood, looking for his precious Bala. He tried to search under dumpsters, he asked his neighbors if they'd seen Bala wandering around recently, and he set cat food and water outside in hopes of attracting Bala back to his house.



Much to his d...

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The Watchmaker

The Boy was due to meet his friends down the third alley from the green sign. The bar at the end of that alley, they had said, was a place where spirits and souls mixed together with the languid flow of warm summer air.

But The Boy had started drinking when the sun was still ascending, and n...

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A man hears a loud, rhythmic thumping on his walk home...

He turns around to see what is causing the commotion, and the sound immediately stops. Seeing nothing but a large casket, and rather confused, he continues on his way home.
Though he is sure there is nothing causing the racket, he is convinced he is still hearing the noise. The man cleans his ear...

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The Brass Rat

A man, visiting San Francisco, noticed a musty curio shop, which seemed to be forgotten by time. It seemed very out of place in the busy city. The man's curiosity was piqued, and he entered the shop. The store didn't seem to have much traffic, and the shelves were full of dusty, but interesting item...

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