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Quitting heroin is easy.

I've already done it 10 times.

My son’s kindergarten teacher was arrested for heroin possession…

In hindsight, the small pupils were a dead giveaway…

I've been clean for 47 days now.

It's weird showering everyday but at least I have the heroin to get through it.

Two heroin addicts die and stand before Saint Peter at the pearly gates

They ask Saint Peter if they’re allowed in, and Peter reviews their records.

“Wow, I’m really not sure guys. It says here you’ve done a lot of bad things. Stealing, lying, generally bad addict behavior things. I can’t make this call, I have to go ask the big guy himself”, Peter says.

...

A stoner died from a heroin overdose last night.

The paramedics did everything they could but it was all in vein.

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Yeah, I have a heroine addiction.

\*Pulls out young adult novel with a strong female figure\*

What do you call a heroin addict-turned Harvard student?

IV League

What’s the difference between a heroin overdose and a shotgun suicide?

Heroin addicts feel great after they shoot themselves.

My Uncle used to say "If you do something you love you'll never work a day in your life."

He did heroin

Did you hear about the guy who dated Supergirl and Wonder Woman?

Turns out, he was a heroine addict

Never call your heroin Jesus Christ.

You shouldn’t take the lords name in vein.

What did the heroin addict say to the other heroin addict?

A fiend in need is a fiend indeed.

I'm ok with marijuana, smoking, and even heroin

But with cocaine I draw the line

Apparently heroin addicts spend upwards of $500 on heroin a day

On an unrelated note, anyone want to lend me $500

Heroin is like a baby..

..it feels so amazing to have in your arms.

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A rabbit is running around the woods

When he encounters and elephant, who was just about to light a joint.

The rabbit yells: "No!! Are you seriously gonna throw your life away like that? Come run with me, that's way more healthy!!"

So the elephant starts running with the rabbit, they run through the woods until they enco...

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The week in jail

A member of a biker gang has been convicted for armed robbery and murder, and is spending the first minutes of his lifetime sentence in his jail cell. Even though he is an extremely tough guy, not afraid of anything or anyone, he is having quite some difficulty controlling his tears when all of a su...

Did you hear about the two drug users who injected curry powder thinking it was heroin?

One got a dodgy Tikka and the others in a Korma.

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

There's a new type of Heroin on the market that's called "Jesus Christ"

Finally a way for people to feel good after taking the lord's name in vein

Where’s the best place to be at a Heroin Orgy?

Smack bang in the middle of all of it!

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I heard that heroin works as a male enhancement.

But I think that's poppycock.

What's the difference between heroin and Reddit?

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

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Mary Jane, Gwen Stacy and Jessica Drew walk into a bar for superheroes. After a few rounds of drinks, they got to arguing over which of them was the greatest super-heroine..

Gwen Stacy: I’m Spider Gwen, so me being the best goes without saying.




Mary Jane: *Yawn*




Jessica Drew: Well I’m Spider-Woman! You can’t get any better than that!






Mary Jane: *Boring*.



Gwen Stacy: Oh, we’re boring you, MJ?...

Why don't anti-vaxxers take heroin?

It could be good for something.

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My friend said he once injected heroin into his dick.

But that was just poppycock.

What's the difference between a toddler and a bag of heroin?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of heroin fall out a 53rd-floor window.

I had a tennis ball that was addicted to heroin

But he bounced back

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If alcoholics get whiskey dick, what do heroin users get?

Poppycock.

So I've heard there's a heroin epidemic among white teens...

I guess they're used to shooting up to solve their problems

What is a heroin addict's favorite website?

Instagram.

Heroin really messed up my household...

All the spoons are missing.

How did the maffioso get rid of his heroin addiction?

He met a Don

I snorted coke and meth, smoked four blunts, and injected heroin today...

...and this guy at the auction house is STILL saying im not the highest bidder.

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

What do you call a knife that does heroin?

A sharp shooter

If a female fighter pilot shoots down a lot of enemy airplanes, she might plausibly be called a heroine.

But if she shoots up a lot of heroin, she will probably not be called an enemy airplane.

I tried quitting heroin.

But all my efforts were in vein.

A rabbit goes for a run through the forest

As he’s running a cones across a possum about to light up a joint. The rabbit says, “Oh no! Mr. Possum! Don’t do that! It’s so bad for you. Come running with me and stay healthy!” The possum looks at his joint and decides they the rabbit is right and he needs to get healthy. So off they go for a run...

Heroin use among horses have grown

But finding the evidence is like finding a needle in a haystack.

I've heard addicts claim that heroin became their "God" but...

...they're always taking his name in vein.

I use to go to a comic book shop that only sold books with female leads;

The owner was apparently arrested for being a heroine dealer.

What's the difference between heroin and the cast of the jersey shore?

I wouldn't shoot heroin.

My friend Colin had this weird addiction. He'd take heroin whenever people didn't refer to him as a woman.

##

Now he's Coleen.

A teenager fails his math test

As a father was passing by his son's bedroom, he was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed, ‘Dad.’

With trembling hands he opened the envelope and read the letter.

“D...

How does heroin watch tv?

with a hdemi cable

Just met up with my heroine dealer.

Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

What do female heroin addicts and hockey players have in common?

They both finally change clothes after three periods.

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Holmes said to his brother, "Mycroft, all this heroin that Watson administers is making me terribly constipated."

And Mycroft responded, "No shit, Sherlock?"

What does heroin do?

About 78% the work of a hero.

My local police chief does a talk on heroin...

So you can't understand any of it.

What's the difference between a white supremacist and Heroine?

I thought twice about shooting heroine

A lot of guys struggle to add muscle

Take my cousin, for example. He has a very strict diet and always sticks to his regimen. He never skips a day. The dude is still a skeleton, basically. Some people just struggle to add weight. Granted, his regimen mostly includes heroin, but still.

What do you call it when you do heroin 13 times in a row?

Over-dozen

What's the difference between a heroine and heroin?

One's an object that's easily abused, the other's a drug.

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An apple a day keeps a doctor away!

I'm buying one apple every day to keep myself healthy

Punchlines:
1) Probably should be eating them, not just buying.

/

2) At the end of the week I'm throwing out apple puree.

/

3) So far I have 148 apples at my house, any ideas what to do next?

/

...

As a child of a meth addict, I want you to know you can make DIFFERENT CHOICES from your parents

I prefer heroin

School is like Heroin

I shoot it up all the time.

Why was the heroin dealer arrested at the basketball game?

He was talking smack.

Quarantine has me really stressed and bored so I've been trying that Chinese thing with the needles

You know, heroin

I'm a heroine addict

Wonder Woman, Super Woman, Batgirl--I just can't get enough of them!

Why do heroine addicts rarely have meetings late in the afternoon?

Because it's dangerous to shoot for 3 or even 4.

I'm 60 days clean now.

It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.

Did you hear about the farmer who was a heroin addict?

He had to quit in the end, because he couldn't find a needle in a haystack.

I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin

I have a heroine addiction...

...because I can only sleep with a girl if she has saved somebody's life.

So this dentist in my area was arrested for being a drug dealer on the side, selling meth, heroine, etc.

I for one am shocked!


I didn't know he was a dentist!

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This guy dies and goes to hell

Arriving there, he gets really sad because he didn't expect eternal suffering.
As the devil is receiving him, he asks:
- why are you sad?
The guy replies:
- because now I'll suffer for eternity.
- Relax! - the devil says. - this place ain't as bad as they say. Listen, do you like alc...

How to deal with stress

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka. "I've been so stressed lately," he complains to the bartender. "So I recently started doing that Chinese thing with the needles." "Acupuncture?" the bartender asks. "No," the guy replies. "Heroin."

A blonde got tired of "dumb blonde jokes" so she dyed her hair

As she was driving down some country road she notices a shepherd with his flock. She stops the car and approaches. "Excuse me sir." she says "If I guess how many sheep are in your flock can I have one?" Shepherd thinks it over and thinks she'll never get the number right, as it was a decent sized fl...

Never fall in love with a heroine junky.

They got a lot of love, but it's all in vein.

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A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

Hunger Games : Mockingjay

For the last installments of the Hunger Games series, the director has decided to make a change. In the new movies, Philip Seymour Hoffman will unexpectedly be killed by the heroine.

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One day a small rabbit was taking a run through the forest.

As he was running he came upon a giraffe. This giraffe was about to shoot up some heroin. The rabbit looked at he giraffe for a moment and then said, "Giraffe, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with me through the forest."
The giraffe looked at the rabbit,...

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