Quitting heroin is easy.

I've already done it 10 times.

Two heroin addicts die and stand before Saint Peter at the pearly gates

They ask Saint Peter if they’re allowed in, and Peter reviews their records.

“Wow, I’m really not sure guys. It says here you’ve done a lot of bad things. Stealing, lying, generally bad addict behavior things. I can’t make this call, I have to go ask the big guy himself”, Peter says.

...

What do you call a heroin addict-turned Harvard student?

IV League

My son’s kindergarten teacher was arrested for heroin possession…

In hindsight, the small pupils were a dead giveaway…

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

My uncle always said, if you do something you love then you'll never work an day in your life...

He did heroin.

A rabbit goes for a run through the forest

As he’s running a cones across a possum about to light up a joint. The rabbit says, “Oh no! Mr. Possum! Don’t do that! It’s so bad for you. Come running with me and stay healthy!” The possum looks at his joint and decides they the rabbit is right and he needs to get healthy. So off they go for a run...

A stoner died from a heroin overdose last night.

The paramedics did everything they could but it was all in vein.

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Yeah, I have a heroine addiction.

\*Pulls out young adult novel with a strong female figure\*

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I heard that heroin works as a male enhancement.

But I think that's poppycock.

Did you hear about the two drug users who injected curry powder thinking it was heroin?

One got a dodgy Tikka and the others in a Korma.

Never call your heroin Jesus Christ.

You shouldn’t take the lords name in vein.

A lot of guys struggle to add muscle

Take my cousin, for example. He has a very strict diet and always sticks to his regimen. He never skips a day. The dude is still a skeleton, basically. Some people just struggle to add weight. Granted, his regimen mostly includes heroin, but still.

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Mary Jane, Gwen Stacy and Jessica Drew walk into a bar for superheroes. After a few rounds of drinks, they got to arguing over which of them was the greatest super-heroine..

Gwen Stacy: I’m Spider Gwen, so me being the best goes without saying.




Mary Jane: *Yawn*




Jessica Drew: Well I’m Spider-Woman! You can’t get any better than that!






Mary Jane: *Boring*.



Gwen Stacy: Oh, we’re boring you, MJ?...

There's a new type of Heroin on the market that's called "Jesus Christ"

Finally a way for people to feel good after taking the lord's name in vein

Where’s the best place to be at a Heroin Orgy?

Smack bang in the middle of all of it!

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An apple a day keeps a doctor away!

I'm buying one apple every day to keep myself healthy

Punchlines:
1) Probably should be eating them, not just buying.

/

2) At the end of the week I'm throwing out apple puree.

/

3) So far I have 148 apples at my house, any ideas what to do next?

/

...

How to deal with stress

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka. "I've been so stressed lately," he complains to the bartender. "So I recently started doing that Chinese thing with the needles." "Acupuncture?" the bartender asks. "No," the guy replies. "Heroin."

What's the difference between heroin and Reddit?

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

I'm ok with marijuana, smoking, and even heroin

But with cocaine I draw the line

What’s the difference between a heroin overdose and a shotgun suicide?

Heroin addicts feel great after they shoot themselves.

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My friend said he once injected heroin into his dick.

But that was just poppycock.

Apparently heroin addicts spend upwards of $500 on heroin a day

On an unrelated note, anyone want to lend me $500

What do you call a Midwesterner who uses heroin?

An Ohp-iod user

What's the difference between a toddler and a bag of heroin?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of heroin fall out a 53rd-floor window.

Heroin is like a baby..

..it feels so amazing to have in your arms.

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This guy dies and goes to hell

Arriving there, he gets really sad because he didn't expect eternal suffering.
As the devil is receiving him, he asks:
- why are you sad?
The guy replies:
- because now I'll suffer for eternity.
- Relax! - the devil says. - this place ain't as bad as they say. Listen, do you like alc...

Why don't anti-vaxxers take heroin?

It could be good for something.

What dose a cowboy drug addict say before doing heroin

“Rootin tootin ready for shootin”

I had a tennis ball that was addicted to heroin

But he bounced back

What do you call a knife that does heroin?

A sharp shooter

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If alcoholics get whiskey dick, what do heroin users get?

Poppycock.

How did the maffioso get rid of his heroin addiction?

He met a Don

Heroin really messed up my household...

All the spoons are missing.

I snorted coke and meth, smoked four blunts, and injected heroin today...

...and this guy at the auction house is STILL saying im not the highest bidder.

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

If a female fighter pilot shoots down a lot of enemy airplanes, she might plausibly be called a heroine.

But if she shoots up a lot of heroin, she will probably not be called an enemy airplane.

I tried quitting heroin.

But all my efforts were in vein.

My heroin-addicted friend

I used to have a great friend. As we grew older, he started doing heroin. Of course, this affected him pretty strongly. Eventually, he even started calling the injection his "God". Weird, I know, but that's just how he was.
Sadly, he passed away recently, although I guess that was to be expected....

A blonde got tired of "dumb blonde jokes" so she dyed her hair

As she was driving down some country road she notices a shepherd with his flock. She stops the car and approaches. "Excuse me sir." she says "If I guess how many sheep are in your flock can I have one?" Shepherd thinks it over and thinks she'll never get the number right, as it was a decent sized fl...

So I've heard there's a heroin epidemic among white teens...

I guess they're used to shooting up to solve their problems

What is a heroin addict's favorite website?

Instagram.

Heroin use among horses have grown

But finding the evidence is like finding a needle in a haystack.

My local heroin dealer sells Bobby Brown

When I asked him about the name he stabbed me. Turns out he didn't want to talk smack.

Just met up with my heroine dealer.

Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

What's the difference between a white supremacist and Heroine?

I thought twice about shooting heroine

I've heard addicts claim that heroin became their "God" but...

...they're always taking his name in vein.

What's the difference between heroin and the cast of the jersey shore?

I wouldn't shoot heroin.

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Holmes said to his brother, "Mycroft, all this heroin that Watson administers is making me terribly constipated."

And Mycroft responded, "No shit, Sherlock?"

My local police chief does a talk on heroin...

So you can't understand any of it.

A teenager fails his math test

As a father was passing by his son's bedroom, he was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed, ‘Dad.’

With trembling hands he opened the envelope and read the letter.

“D...

What does heroin do?

About 78% the work of a hero.

School is like Heroin

I shoot it up all the time.

What do you call it when you do heroin 13 times in a row?

Over-dozen

What's the difference between a heroine and heroin?

One's an object that's easily abused, the other's a drug.

Did you hear about the farmer who was a heroin addict?

He had to quit in the end, because he couldn't find a needle in a haystack.

I'm a heroine addict

Wonder Woman, Super Woman, Batgirl--I just can't get enough of them!

Why do heroine addicts rarely have meetings late in the afternoon?

Because it's dangerous to shoot for 3 or even 4.

As a child of a meth addict, I want you to know you can make DIFFERENT CHOICES from your parents

I prefer heroin

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A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin

I'm 60 days clean now.

It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.

Never fall in love with a heroine junky.

They got a lot of love, but it's all in vein.

What word in the English language does the following: the first two letters signify a male, the first three letters signify a female, the first four letters signify a great, while the entire world signifies a great woman. What is the word?

Heroine

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A monkey was casually waking in the woods on a moonlit night.

He saw an elephant drinking vodka and decided to go talk to him.
"My friend!" the monkey said- "Alcohol is bad for your health. Why don't you stop drinking and join me to enjoy the beauty of nature?"

The elephant thought about it for a second and decided to join the monkey.
The two of t...

Last night...

... I watched a documentary on heroin. For the record, that's really the most enjoyable way to watch a documentary.

TMZ revealed Demi Lovato was briefly attached to Wonder Woman 1984

Her agent then told her it was a super**heroine** film.

Why was the duck arrested?

Selling quack.

Why was the teacher arrested?
For doing math.

Why was the poet arrested?
For using heroines.

I have a heroine addiction...

...because I can only sleep with a girl if she has saved somebody's life.

The war on drugs has started.

So if you see any heroin you should shoot it.

I’m finally 5 years clean!

Having to get a shower every day has been hard - luckily, I’ve had my heroin addiction to help me through it.

I love watching movies with strong female leads.

I'm a heroine addict.

Saw a sketchy looking man outside Walmart begging for money so he could buy the new life size Wonder Woman doll.

I swear, these heroine addicts looking worse every year.

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Rabbits

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff...

I've been clean for 45 days now

It's been tough taking a shower everyday, but at least I have the heroin to help me get throught it.

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One day a small rabbit was taking a run through the forest.

As he was running he came upon a giraffe. This giraffe was about to shoot up some heroin. The rabbit looked at he giraffe for a moment and then said, "Giraffe, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looked at the rab...

Hunger Games : Mockingjay

For the last installments of the Hunger Games series, the director has decided to make a change. In the new movies, Philip Seymour Hoffman will unexpectedly be killed by the heroine.

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