UPJOKE
morphinemethadoneopiumcocaineanalgesiceuphoriadrugaddictionopiateoxycodonemethamphetaminefentanylcodeinealcoholopioid

Heroin Jokes

I'm ok with marijuana, smoking, and even heroin

But with cocaine I draw the line

Heroin is like a baby..

..it feels so amazing to have in your arms.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

Apparently heroin addicts spend upwards of $500 on heroin a day

On an unrelated note, anyone want to lend me $500

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

What did the heroin addict say to the other heroin addict?

A fiend in need is a fiend indeed.

A stoner died from a heroin overdose last night.

The paramedics did everything they could but it was all in vein.

My son’s kindergarten teacher was arrested for heroin possession…

In hindsight, the small pupils were a dead giveaway…

Quitting heroin is easy.

I've already done it 10 times.

How do physicists do heroin?

With a rail gun.

I've been clean for 47 days now.

It's weird showering everyday but at least I have the heroin to get through it.

I'm 60 days clean now.

It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.

My uncle always said, if you do something you love then you'll never work an day in your life...

He did heroin.

Two heroin addicts die and stand before Saint Peter at the pearly gates

They ask Saint Peter if they’re allowed in, and Peter reviews their records.

“Wow, I’m really not sure guys. It says here you’ve done a lot of bad things. Stealing, lying, generally bad addict behavior things. I can’t make this call, I have to go ask the big guy himself”, Peter says.

...

What do you call a heroin addict-turned Harvard student?

IV League

I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin

Never call your heroin Jesus.

You shouldn't take the Lord's name in vein.

Heroin use among horses have grown

But finding the evidence is like finding a needle in a haystack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yeah, I have a heroine addiction.

\*Pulls out young adult novel with a strong female figure\*

What's the difference between heroin and Reddit?

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

My friend died doing what he loved most...

Heroin.

Why don't anti-vaxxers take heroin?

It could be good for something.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard that heroin works as a male enhancement.

But I think that's poppycock.

Where’s the best place to be at a Heroin Orgy?

Smack bang in the middle of all of it!

What’s the difference between a heroin overdose and a shotgun suicide?

Heroin addicts feel great after they shoot themselves.

My heroin-addicted friend

I used to have a great friend. As we grew older, he started doing heroin. Of course, this affected him pretty strongly. Eventually, he even started calling the injection his "God". Weird, I know, but that's just how he was.
Sadly, he passed away recently, although I guess that was to be expected....

Did you hear about the two drug users who injected curry powder thinking it was heroin?

One got a dodgy Tikka and the others in a Korma.

What's the difference between a heroine and heroin?

One's an object that's easily abused, the other's a drug.

What does heroin do?

About 78% the work of a hero.

What is a heroin addict's favorite website?

Instagram.

I tried quitting heroin.

But all my efforts were in vein.

How does heroin watch tv?

with a hdemi cable

i read on the internet there's a lot of people shooting heroin

...how is that guy still alive?

So I've heard there's a heroin epidemic among white teens...

I guess they're used to shooting up to solve their problems

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said he once injected heroin into his dick.

But that was just poppycock.

There's a new type of Heroin on the market that's called "Jesus Christ"

Finally a way for people to feel good after taking the lord's name in vein

Heroin really messed up my household...

All the spoons are missing.

What's the difference between a toddler and a bag of heroin?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of heroin fall out a 53rd-floor window.

I snorted coke and meth, smoked four blunts, and injected heroin today...

...and this guy at the auction house is STILL saying im not the highest bidder.

What do you call a knife that does heroin?

A sharp shooter

Hunger Games : Mockingjay

For the last installments of the Hunger Games series, the director has decided to make a change. In the new movies, Philip Seymour Hoffman will unexpectedly be killed by the heroine.

Just met up with my heroine dealer.

Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

How did the maffioso get rid of his heroin addiction?

He met a Don

I had a tennis ball that was addicted to heroin

But he bounced back

School is like Heroin

I shoot it up all the time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If alcoholics get whiskey dick, what do heroin users get?

Poppycock.

I've heard addicts claim that heroin became their "God" but...

...they're always taking his name in vein.

What's the difference between a white supremacist and Heroine?

I thought twice about shooting heroine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbit is running around the woods

When he encounters and elephant, who was just about to light a joint.

The rabbit yells: "No!! Are you seriously gonna throw your life away like that? Come run with me, that's way more healthy!!"

So the elephant starts running with the rabbit, they run through the woods until they enco...

If a female fighter pilot shoots down a lot of enemy airplanes, she might plausibly be called a heroine.

But if she shoots up a lot of heroin, she will probably not be called an enemy airplane.

I'm a heroine addict

Wonder Woman, Super Woman, Batgirl--I just can't get enough of them!

What do female heroin addicts and hockey players have in common?

They both finally change clothes after three periods.

A local policeman did a talk on heroin

It was impossible to understand him

If the war on drugs was a literal war...

How many of you would shoot heroin?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mary Jane, Gwen Stacy and Jessica Drew walk into a bar for superheroes. After a few rounds of drinks, they got to arguing over which of them was the greatest super-heroine..

Gwen Stacy: I’m Spider Gwen, so me being the best goes without saying.




Mary Jane: *Yawn*




Jessica Drew: Well I’m Spider-Woman! You can’t get any better than that!






Mary Jane: *Boring*.



Gwen Stacy: Oh, we’re boring you, MJ?...

A lot of guys struggle to add muscle

Take my cousin, for example. He has a very strict diet and always sticks to his regimen. He never skips a day. The dude is still a skeleton, basically. Some people just struggle to add weight. Granted, his regimen mostly includes heroin, but still.

What's the difference between heroin and the cast of the jersey shore?

I wouldn't shoot heroin.

I have a heroine addiction...

...because I can only sleep with a girl if she has saved somebody's life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a small rabbit was taking a run through the forest.

As he was running he came upon a giraffe. This giraffe was about to shoot up some heroin. The rabbit looked at he giraffe for a moment and then said, "Giraffe, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with me through the forest."
The giraffe looked at the rabbit,...

What do you call it when you do heroin 13 times in a row?

Over-dozen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Holmes said to his brother, "Mycroft, all this heroin that Watson administers is making me terribly constipated."

And Mycroft responded, "No shit, Sherlock?"

Did you hear about the guy who dated Supergirl and Wonder Woman?

Turns out, he was a heroine addict

Why do heroine addicts rarely have meetings late in the afternoon?

Because it's dangerous to shoot for 3 or even 4.

Never fall in love with a heroine junky.

They got a lot of love, but it's all in vein.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbit spots a fox rolling a blunt

The rabbit dashes to him and shout : " Don't smoke weed man, just go for a run with me!"

And so they went for a run.

After a running for a bit they spot a squirrel ready to snort up a big fat line of coke.

The rabbit again dashes to him and shouts : "Mate, don't do it! just go f...

As a child of a meth addict, I want you to know you can make DIFFERENT CHOICES from your parents

I prefer heroin

Did you hear about the farmer who was a heroin addict?

He had to quit in the end, because he couldn't find a needle in a haystack.

So this dentist in my area was arrested for being a drug dealer on the side, selling meth, heroine, etc.

I for one am shocked!


I didn't know he was a dentist!

I’m finally 5 years clean!

Having to get a shower every day has been hard - luckily, I’ve had my heroin addiction to help me through it.

I use to go to a comic book shop that only sold books with female leads;

The owner was apparently arrested for being a heroine dealer.

How to deal with stress

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka. "I've been so stressed lately," he complains to the bartender. "So I recently started doing that Chinese thing with the needles." "Acupuncture?" the bartender asks. "No," the guy replies. "Heroin."

A man is stopped for speeding on the highway

The driver, when confronted by the cop to be issued a ticket, suddenly confesses that he has heroin with him in the vehicle.
Shocked, the cop calls for backup, explaining that the man who he caught speeding admitted that he had drugs on him.

A narcotics team arrives and searches the vehicl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Translated: A rabbit is running in the jungle

A rabbit is running in the jungle when he sees a monkey getting drunk. He hops over to him and says "Man, its such a nice day out. Why don't you put down that disgusting stuff and come run around with me." The monkey agrees.

After a while they meet an elephant smoking some weed. The rabbit ag...

My little girl loves helping me when I'm doing the cooking, because I always let her lick the spoon.

The sooner she's old enough to buy her own heroin, the better.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbit is running hastily through the forest

And suddenly sees a deer relaxing under a tree smoking some hash. "What're you doing here, are you crazy?" says the rabbit, "We're in nature in the clean air, and you're smoking hash? Get up so we can run together and clean out our lungs!" "Youre right!" says the deer, and he gets up and starts runn...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.