Last night I watched a documentary on heroin...

Which really is the best way to watch a documentary.

Quitting heroin is easy.

I've already done it 10 times.

Two heroin addicts die and stand before Saint Peter at the pearly gates

They ask Saint Peter if they’re allowed in, and Peter reviews their records.

“Wow, I’m really not sure guys. It says here you’ve done a lot of bad things. Stealing, lying, generally bad addict behavior things. I can’t make this call, I have to go ask the big guy himself”, Peter says.

...

A stoner died from a heroin overdose last night.

The paramedics did everything they could but it was all in vein.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I learnt that I have a real problem with heroine addiction.

I have to have sex with a woman admired for her courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities...

Did you hear about the two drug users who injected curry powder thinking it was heroin?

One got a dodgy Tikka and the others in a Korma.

Never call your heroin Jesus Christ.

You shouldn’t take the lords name in vein.

What do you call a heroin addict-turned Harvard student?

IV League

What did the heroin addict say to the other heroin addict?

A fiend in need is a fiend indeed.

My son’s kindergarten teacher was arrested for heroin possession…

In hindsight, the small pupils were a dead giveaway…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yeah, I have a heroine addiction.

\*Pulls out young adult novel with a strong female figure\*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard that heroin works as a male enhancement.

But I think that's poppycock.

My uncle always said , "Do something you love, and you'll never work a day in your life."

He did heroin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbit is hopping through the woods.

Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe.

Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"


The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks ...

A blonde got tired of "dumb blonde jokes" so she dyed her hair

As she was driving down some country road she notices a shepherd with his flock. She stops the car and approaches. "Excuse me sir." she says "If I guess how many sheep are in your flock can I have one?" Shepherd thinks it over and thinks she'll never get the number right, as it was a decent sized fl...

Where’s the best place to be at a Heroin Orgy?

Smack bang in the middle of all of it!

There's a new type of Heroin on the market that's called "Jesus Christ"

Finally a way for people to feel good after taking the lord's name in vein

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said he once injected heroin into his dick.

But that was just poppycock.

Apparently heroin addicts spend upwards of $500 on heroin a day

On an unrelated note, anyone want to lend me $500

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mary Jane, Gwen Stacy and Jessica Drew walk into a bar for superheroes. After a few rounds of drinks, they got to arguing over which of them was the greatest super-heroine..

Gwen Stacy: I’m Spider Gwen, so me being the best goes without saying.




Mary Jane: *Yawn*




Jessica Drew: Well I’m Spider-Woman! You can’t get any better than that!






Mary Jane: *Boring*.



Gwen Stacy: Oh, we’re boring you, MJ?...

Did you hear about the hardworking heroin addict?

He was always up burning the midnight foil.

i read on the internet there's a lot of people shooting heroin

...how is that guy still alive?

"Son, what are you doing in there?"

"Injecting some heroin!"

"Ah, ok, I thought you were getting a vaccine or something..."

What's the difference between heroin and Reddit?

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

What’s the difference between a heroin overdose and a shotgun suicide?

Heroin addicts feel great after they shoot themselves.

Why don't anti-vaxxers take heroin?

It could be good for something.

What's the difference between a toddler and a bag of heroin?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of heroin fall out a 53rd-floor window.

I had a tennis ball that was addicted to heroin

But he bounced back

I'm ok with marijuana, smoking, and even heroin

But with cocaine I draw the line

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If alcoholics get whiskey dick, what do heroin users get?

Poppycock.

I tried quitting heroin.

But all my efforts were in vein.

How much cocaine and heroin Charlie Sheen does?

Enough to kill a two and half men.

Heroin is like a baby..

..it feels so amazing to have in your arms.

I snorted coke and meth, smoked four blunts, and injected heroin today...

...and this guy at the auction house is STILL saying im not the highest bidder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

What do you call a knife that does heroin?

A sharp shooter

Quarantine has me really stressed and bored so I've been trying that Chinese thing with the needles

You know, heroin

My local heroin dealer sells Bobby Brown

When I asked him about the name he stabbed me. Turns out he didn't want to talk smack.

So I've heard there's a heroin epidemic among white teens...

I guess they're used to shooting up to solve their problems

What do female heroin addicts and hockey players have in common?

They both finally change clothes after three periods.

Heroin really messed up my household...

All the spoons are missing.

My heroin-addicted friend

I used to have a great friend. As we grew older, he started doing heroin. Of course, this affected him pretty strongly. Eventually, he even started calling the injection his "God". Weird, I know, but that's just how he was.
Sadly, he passed away recently, although I guess that was to be expected....

If a female fighter pilot shoots down a lot of enemy airplanes, she might plausibly be called a heroine.

But if she shoots up a lot of heroin, she will probably not be called an enemy airplane.

What is a heroin addict's favorite website?

Instagram.

My heroin dealer let me down yesterday .

Today I'm having cold turkey

Just met up with my heroine dealer.

Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

How does heroin watch tv?

with a hdemi cable

Heroin use among horses have grown

But finding the evidence is like finding a needle in a haystack.

I've heard addicts claim that heroin became their "God" but...

...they're always taking his name in vein.

My friend Colin had this weird addiction. He'd take heroin whenever people didn't refer to him as a woman.

##

Now he's Coleen.

A teenager fails his math test

As a father was passing by his son's bedroom, he was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed, ‘Dad.’

With trembling hands he opened the envelope and read the letter.

“D...

What's the difference between heroin and the cast of the jersey shore?

I wouldn't shoot heroin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Holmes said to his brother, "Mycroft, all this heroin that Watson administers is making me terribly constipated."

And Mycroft responded, "No shit, Sherlock?"

My local police chief does a talk on heroin...

So you can't understand any of it.

TMZ revealed Demi Lovato was briefly attached to Wonder Woman 1984

Her agent then told her it was a super**heroine** film.

What does heroin do?

About 78% the work of a hero.

I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin

School is like Heroin

I shoot it up all the time.

What do you call it when you do heroin 13 times in a row?

Over-dozen

What word in the English language does the following: the first two letters signify a male, the first three letters signify a female, the first four letters signify a great, while the entire world signifies a great woman. What is the word?

Heroine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A monkey was casually waking in the woods on a moonlit night.

He saw an elephant drinking vodka and decided to go talk to him.
"My friend!" the monkey said- "Alcohol is bad for your health. Why don't you stop drinking and join me to enjoy the beauty of nature?"

The elephant thought about it for a second and decided to join the monkey.
The two of t...

I'm a heroine addict

Wonder Woman, Super Woman, Batgirl--I just can't get enough of them!

Did you hear about the farmer who was a heroin addict?

He had to quit in the end, because he couldn't find a needle in a haystack.

Why do heroine addicts rarely have meetings late in the afternoon?

Because it's dangerous to shoot for 3 or even 4.

As a child of a meth addict, I want you to know you can make DIFFERENT CHOICES from your parents

I prefer heroin

A rabbit is running in the woods, he sees a giraffe smoking pot.

- Dude, don’t smoke it, it’s harmful for your body. Let's keep it healthy, come run with me, and they start running.

A little later they see an elephant prepared to snort cocaine.

- My elephant friend, drop the cocaine, come run with us.

After a little run, they see the lion ...

I love watching movies with strong female leads.

I'm a heroine addict.

I have a heroine addiction...

...because I can only sleep with a girl if she has saved somebody's life.

I'm 60 days clean now.

It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.

Never fall in love with a heroine junky.

They got a lot of love, but it's all in vein.

The war on drugs has started.

So if you see any heroin you should shoot it.

Why was the duck arrested?

Selling quack.

Why was the teacher arrested?
For doing math.

Why was the poet arrested?
For using heroines.

Saw a sketchy looking man outside Walmart begging for money so he could buy the new life size Wonder Woman doll.

I swear, these heroine addicts looking worse every year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Concerned about the rising drug problems on Earth

Jesus decides to send some of his disciples back to Earth to obtain some drugs so that they would better understand how to help mankind.

After 3 days they begin to return.

There is a soft knock on the side door at Jesus' pad. "Open up, man, it's Matthew."
The door opens just a cra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

Alan takes his wife fishing

On a usual trip he catches 10-15 fish. He's gobsmacked when the pair of them manage a haul of over 100! He decided to enter them both into the local fishing competition.

The day of the competition rolls around, and each of the Anglers take it in turns. The first man is a big beefy lad, and he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Caught speeding

Cop pulls over a man for speeding, says "I clocked you doing 60 in a 25. Wanna tell me why you were speeding?"

Guy says, "Yeah, I was trying to get home real quick so I could shoot up this heroin from my glove compartment. But before that I gotta get rid of the gun in the back seat, and the d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rabbits

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a small rabbit was taking a run through the forest.

As he was running he came upon a giraffe. This giraffe was about to shoot up some heroin. The rabbit looked at he giraffe for a moment and then said, "Giraffe, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looked at the rab...

A rabbit on a run through the forest.

So there's this rabbit running through the forest. After a few minutes he comes across a fox who's about to light up a joint. The rabbit kicks the joint from the fox's mouth, saying: "That's bad for your health, you're better off if you join me on my run!" So the fox says, "You're right!" and joins ...

I’m finally 5 years clean!

Having to get a shower every day has been hard - luckily, I’ve had my heroin addiction to help me through it.

I've been clean for 45 days now

It's been tough taking a shower everyday, but at least I have the heroin to help me get throught it.

I’m worried I’ve become very obsessed with Wonder Woman, Black Widow and Captain Marvel lately.

I think I might be a heroine addict.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Deep into the woods there was bunny rabbit, hopping and prancing,

when he saw a monkey about to drop acid, so he yelled

"STOOOOOOOPPPPPPPP, THAT'S BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH COME JOIN ME HOP THRU THE FOREST".

So the monkey said fuck it, let's do it rabbit.

So the monkey and the bunny where prancing through the woods when all of a sudden, saw a giraff...

I think that my kid’s teacher is a drug addict

All of my son’s classmates are 4’ at most and I’ve heard that having small pupils is sign of heroin abuse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets hit by a bus, dies and goes to Hell..

Upon his arrival, he is greeted by Satan's secretary who begins to process his paperwork and give him the run down on what it's like for eternity.

Secretary: "Hell really isn't all that bad, buddy. We have themed daily activities to keep our residents occupied. Were you by any chance a drinke...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.