Two dust particles meet in a vacuum cleaner

"Man, I hate this place" says one of them.
"Yeah, it sucks."

Every vacuum cleaner in existence is an antique.

Because all they do is collect dust.

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As the boy led me to the window he said “all it takes to fly is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie dust.”

As I leapt I quickly came to the conclusion that PCP is a bitch.

Three guys walked into a bar covered in coal dust...

The bar tender took one look at them and said, "Sorry, but we don't serve miners here."

You came from dust and you will return to dust...

That's why I don't dust. It could be someone I know.

Maybe everyone would stop dying if they'd stop biting the dust.

Seriously, that can't be good for one's health.

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One day people will land on Mars. Search for the rover, dust him off and give it the treatment it deserves.

A robo bro blow job.

I don’t get the purpose of an air filter

It just sits there and collects dust.

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3 men are walking through the desert when they stumble across a lamp. They dust it off and a Genie pops out, the genie says "I will grant each of you 3 wishes!"

The first man says "I wish for a million dollars!" "Alright" says the Genie and just like that a million dollars appears at the man's feet.

The second man says "I wish for unlimited money" "Alright" says the Genie "Check your bank account" The man checks on his phone and sure enough there's a...

His last words before biting the dust were

Hey, I wonder what this dust tastes like!

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Doesn’t it suck when you’re playing ‘Another One Bites The Dust’ On your iPhone At Full Volume...

...and everyone else at the funeral gets all pissy at you?

I told my grandpa before he bit the dust.....

Grandpa, that's dirty!

To show off how wealthy he was, I saw a guy inhale a line of 24K gold dust

It was really Au inspiring.

Why do CSGO terrorists hate the desert?

Because they don't want de dust 2 get in their eyes.

what is Thanos favorite song?

Another One Bites the Dust

What song did Starlord recently add to his Awesome Mix?

Another One Bites The Dust by Queen

How many guitarists does it take to cover 'Dust In The Wind'?

Evidently all of them.

For sale: Thick layer of dust

As seen on TV.

What do you call a mean dust storm?

Darude - Sandstorm

A man finds an old bottle. He starts rubbing off the dust...

... when a genie appears.

"You have one wish," says the genie.

"One wish? I thought it was three wishes," said the man.

"That's only in stories," replied the genie. "One wish is all you get."

"Well...", started the man, who was an American, "I've always wanted to go to Au...

The Pirate

A pirate walks into a bar.

“It’s been a while since I last saw you,” The bartender says, “you look pretty beat up, what happened to you?”

“Nothing much. I’m just fine,” the pirate replies.

“But what about the wooden leg?” the bartender asks.

“Ah, I got that a while ago. M...

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

I've never used the dust pan I once bought...

It's been collecting dust in the closet for years.

Two dust pans were dry humping..

I was like dude, get a broom already!

Two strings walk into a bar.

The bartender yells " Get out we don't serve strings" and has the bouncer throw them out.
The first string is dejected and sadly heads home.

The second string stands up, dusts himself off and decides he is gonna try again. He bends over backwards turns to the side and pushes his head and ...

A woman is out golfing when she hits her golf ball into the woods. When she goes to retrieve it, she finds a talking frog trapped beneath a fallen tree...

"Please!" the frog cries, "Help me! If you can just lift up this tree even just a little bit, I will be free! And I'll grant you three wishes!"

The woman quickly agrees, and throws her weight into the tree. She can't lift it much, as it's quite heavy, but she does manage to move it just barel...

Why is there always dust at the bottom of a bag of cereal?

It's a sign Thanos has ensured you get a "balanced" breakfast.

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake.

There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and ...

A seer was recruited to help a party of heroes break into a ruined dungeon

The other heroes knew that his knowledge of the arcane would help them to understand and predict the nefarious traps that were sure to beset them within the darkened tunnels.



The dungeon's architect had laid it out as a chess board, and the party moved one by one along the squares. Th...

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A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she

noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on

account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She

moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. S...

I told my wife to sell all the vacuums we have,

they are only collecting dust anyways...

What is Spiderman's favorite song?

Dust in the Wind. He can really relate.

Manure

Schwartz, an elderly man, is resting peacefully on the porch of his small hotel outside Boca when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He walks out to see who could be approaching: It is a Southern farmer with a wagon.
“Good afternoon,” says Schwartz.
“Afternoon,” says the farmer.
“Where yo...

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.

I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"

A man finds a mysterious ancient lamp...

The man dusts off the ancient lamp and out comes a genie!

The genie says to the man:

"you have awoken me from my slumber! I will grant you 3 wishes as a reward for finding me."

The man responds to the genie with great excitement

"Oh man thank you so much, I don't know whe...

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The Leprechaun Thief

I met a Leprechaun once, in a pub in Ireland. He was just minding his own business when I sat down on the stool next to him and ordered my drink.

"Your favourite Stout, please.", i said to the bartender. The Leprechaun turned his head and sized me up.

"You're a proper lad", he quipped....

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the desert...

The Lone Ranger gets off his horse for a piss by a cactus. Suddenly, a rattle snake lunges out and bites him right on the dick. Tonto hears him scream and comes running over. He's lying there on his back, moaning in pain.

Tonto says, "I'll ride back to that native village we passed a while a...

Man is granted 3 wishes

I didnt write this but I still want to share...

A man was digging through old junk in his attic and finds a lamp that he had never seen before. He starts to clean the dust off of it and then it starts to smoke and flash bright light. Finally a Genie comes out and says with a powerful voice,...

Marine versus the taliban.

A Taliban leader was leading a team on a patrol when he hears from over the hill; ”One Marine vs. two Taliban!”
So the Taliban leader sends two of his guys, hears a firefight for a little while. He thinks he won until he hears; ”One Marine vs. five Taliban!
The Taliban leader sends five more ...

I threw away my vacuum cleaner......

because It kept collecting dust.

I'm sorry that joked sucked, like a vacuum cleaner

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Two drunks were lost in the middle of the ocean

The pair had been adrift for six days in a life boat with no water or food, they hadn't seen any ships or aircraft, and worst of all they had completely run out of beer three days before, the two had nearly given up hope when suddenly they came across an ancient looking bottle, they pulled it out of...

I recently got rid of my vacuum cleaner.

All it was doing was gathering dust.

Paddy’s night in Dublin

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He fal...

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Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us b...

My daughter wants a new iPhone so to teach her a lesson...

I told her that she can have one if she washes the dishes, sweeps the floor, takes out the trash, does the laundry, mows the lawn, walks the dog, dusts the shelves and helps me cook every day.

The lesson?

iPhones come form child labour.

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Down the road...

A farmer has a horse for sale. The farmer sees a dust cloud heading down the dirt road towards his farm. A truck pulls up, the door opens and a dwarf jumps out.
“I came to see your howrsey.” Says the dwarf. The farmer walks him to stable where he keep the horse. The dwarf looks at the horse and ...

How come Thanos is so buff and strong?

He's a member of Snap fitness.
Sorry, had to blow the dust off of this joke.

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Voodoo Dick (Long)

A husband, who has a rather active sex life with his wife, needed to go away on a month long business trip. He was concerned that his wife would need to be satisfied while we was away so we went to an adult toy store to find her a dildo. Not impressed with their selection he asked the guy behind t...

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So a hunter goes out to the forest

He’s just looking for a simple blacktail deer, but he hears big footsteps so he walks to the edge of a clearing. In the middle of the clearing, there’s a huge bear. The farmer aims down his sights, and shoots the bear. He looks up, and the bear is gone.

Suddenly, he feels a *tap tap tap* on h...

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A stranger walks into a local bar...

He is a big guy but no one has ever seen him in there before.
"Who is the toughest guy in here?", he shouts to the bar keeper.
"Well right now I suppose it is Clyde over at the pool table."
The big man walks up to Clyde, rolls the pool balls around, picks up a pool que and just beats the da...

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The Voodoo Dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.

When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, w...

When Thanos snaps...

Avengers: Oh no, he did it he managed to get rid of half the universe we did not stop him there is no hope. We are in Endgame now.

Karen: ThE VaCCinEs TurNEd My KIdS tO DuSt !!!!!

Jesus walks up to a crowd of people getting ready to stone a lady to death for committing adultery and says, "Whoever is without sin may cast the first stone."

So this little lady walks up with a big rock and smashes it down on the poor woman and splits her head wide open.

Then the little lady dusts off her hands and starts walking away. Jesus shakes his head and says, "Mom, sometimes you really get on my nerves."

There once was a farmer who loves tractors. He would go into this shop and stare at this beautiful bright red tractor for hours on end.

The manager would come up to him and say “sorry we’re closing” and the farmer would ask for just 10 more minutes to stare at the tractor. The manager would allow it and keep the shop open a little longer to accommodate his obsession.

The next day, the farmer walks in and stares in awe at the ...

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake.

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake.

One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted ...

The two best racehorses in the country.

There were these two racehorses, Galem and Gollum. They were raised together and had been racing side by side their entire lives. Everyone loved to watch them. They were always faster than the other horses; as a matter of fact, they were the best racehorses in the country.



As good as ...

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer...

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives hi...

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Lee Smart was always a trouble maker throughout his life.

In school, Lee Smart was always getting in trouble. His friend, Isaac, always stuck by his side, though. They were always best friends.

Though Isaac was getting sick of Lee’s crap. Lee kept drinking and driving, he kept smoking Marijuana and snorting Cocaine. Isaac was so close to just leavi...

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A British Officer at a Frontier Post

In 1869, a young British officer, prim and proper, arrives at his new garrison post in the northwest frontier of British India. His commander gives him a tour of the somewhat dilapidated fort, and of its surrounding local villages.
"You see", says the commanding officer, "it's mostly camels ...

In a city, not so long ago, there was a collective of friars.

These friars decided to come to this city to spread their religion by buying a church. This church was old (the only church the city had for sale, really), but the friars didn't care. They put on some of that good ol' elbow grease and got it looking good again. Once their church was as ready as can ...

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Three men are walking on the beach.

They come across a strange looking vase in the sand and one of them tries to pick it up. However it is very brittle and crushes to dust as soon as it is touched, and a genie pops out.

"I don't normally grant wishes to more than one person, but I'll make an exception," the genie says. "Each of...

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A burnt out advertising executive decides he has had enough of the rat race & buys a property way out west

No electricity, no phones - no company. He has read everything he can &, after a few weeks is getting a bit bored. One afternoon he seens the dust coming up way in the distance coming towards him, a while later a crusty old bushie gets out of a battered holden ute and puts out his hand. "Hello m...

A man came home covered in glitter

His wife confronted him on the sparkling dust on his shirt and pants. “Honey, I was just helping our daughter make a Mother’s Day card for you.” The wife still slightly suspicious asked, “ok but why do you smell like cinnamon and honey” to which the husband replied, “damn you’re good. How did you k...

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When I first became an Ancap.....

>When I first became an Ancap, I was just an unemployed high schooler who had never worked a labor job in his entire life. I had that whole "welfare recipients are parasites, just pull yourself up by your bootstraps, forcing people to subsidize your shitty life choices is morally wrong, nobody is...

And then the fight started....

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

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Computer idiots (Warning: Old)

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" k...

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And old woman and young gunslinger.

An old woman decides to go into an old town for supplies. As she rode up near the store and tied her old mule to the hitch rail and as she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in ...

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What do you call a jew in space?

Star Dust

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There was a man from New York that was driving his rig through the Midwest

It was about 1:00 am, and he was very tired, for he had been driving all day, so he tried to find a place to stop. He was in the middle of nowhere, and there were no motels, rest stops, or truck stops.
After what seemed like hours and hours of combing the road, he finds an abandoned house. It was...

Magic bunny!

A young texan cowboy is riding along his property when he spots an injured rabbit struggling to free itself from some wire mesh it's stuck in. He's about to put the furball out of its misery when the rabbit says:

"Wait!! I'm a magic bunny! If you free me and let me go, I'll grant you one wish...

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Three kingdoms lay on a triangle lake

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this story telling and legal battling came to no conclusion...

A man and his wife get a divorce.

She lays claim to half of his things, so one afternoon he’s going through the last of their stuff in the attic. He separates what she wants and what he’ll take when he comes upon something she hadn’t mentioned. A small lamp. He picks it up, dusts it off and a genie pops out of it.
“You get three...

I have lost my wife. She went shopping and hasn’t returned!

Policeman: What is the ladies height sir?

Husband: Height? I’m not sure, I’ve never measured her.

Policeman: Is she a slim or a large lady sir?

Husband: She’s sort of average I’d say.

Policeman: Colour of her eyes?

Husband: Sort of bluey-green I suppose.

Pol...

The day after a young couple had returned from their honeymoon

....the bride called her mother in a panic.

"Whats the matter dear? Was the honeymoon dreadful?"

"No, but oh, mama! As soon as we got home, he started using the most horrible language! Horrible four-letter-words!"

"Darling, shh." Her mother said. "Calm down and tell me what was ...

Had to get rid of my Hoover due to lack of use

It was just sitting around collecting dust

There is a man sitting at the end of the bar with an orange for a head

There is a man sitting at the end of the bar with an orange for a head. Another man, who is new in town walks in and sits down at the other end. After a few minutes he asks the bartender, “Who is that strange man with an orange for a head?”

To which she replies, “I’m not sure but he refuses t...

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Trump snuffs it, and arrives at the Pearly Gates

they issue him with a Redirect Notice, and he is sent to the not-so-pearly ones.
The Devil looks at his clipboard irritably.
“Look, I’ve got a problem. You’re due here about now, but I’m full. I’ll have to ID one of the temporary inmates, whose sentence is just about up, and give them an ...

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