UPJOKE
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You are dust and you shall return to dust...

Which is why I don't dust - it could be someone I know.

Apparenly, we all come from dust and return to dust.

That's why I never dust, it could be somebody I know.

For Sale: Thick layer of dust.

As seen on TV.

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”


Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.


DONE! You are the o...

The broom and dust pan will be kept in the hall closet from now on...

...and I'm considering other sweeping changes around here.

Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: "what's your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?"

The old man replied "i'm gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground, she calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said "that's one" then got back on the ho...

What did the police find after dusting Chris Rocks face after the show?

Fresh Prince

I still remember what my best friend said before he bit the dust…

“Hey that dust looks pretty tasty.”

And it was. It was from a blue pixy stick.

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Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

Pussy isn't pizza, dont eat the crust


Herpilations 4:20

A man finds an oil lamp and dusts it.

A gini comes out and says that he get three wishes but his husband gets double. His first wish is 1 000 000 000 us$ so his husband gets 2 000 000 000 us$. His second wish is to be the most charismatic person in the whole country, his husband becomes the most charismatic person of the world. His thir...

My wife complained she wished someone other than her would do some dusting.

Crop dusting evidently is not what she had in mind.

A woman comes home early, and finds her husband in bed with a girl.

She is furious, threatens to kill them both... the husband says:

\- Believe me, darling, this is just a misunderstanding. I was driving home, and saw this young lady trying to catch a ride. So I decided to give her a lift. I ask her where she needs to go, and she tells me she wants to visit s...

Struck up a conversation with a spider today at home while dusting.

Nice guy. He's a web designer

A man is playing golf, but keeps missing all his shots, and swearing, until a priest comes up to him and tells him not to use the lords name in vain.

"Jesus's christ! Missed again!" The golfer shouts in anger. "You mustn't swear like that, or God will enact his wrath on you." The priest explains. But the man doesn't listen.

His next shot is even further off. "Jesus christ! Missed again." The man yells in anger. The priest explains again, h...

The first sample of moon dust, collected by Neil Armstrong in 1969, is up for sale for £1m

It's nearly the most expensive bag of dust ever; second only to a bag of Doritos at the movies.

Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.

I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a camping trip

After a hearty meal and a good bottle of wine, they lay down to sleep.
Suddenly, in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes his trusted companion and asks "Watson, what do you see?" Rubbing his sleepy eyes, Watson answers: "I see millions and millions of stars."
"Correct, Watson, and what do...

What did the grain of dust say when i turned on the vacuum?

This sucks!

I told my grandpa before he bit the dust.....

Grandpa, that's dirty!

The world was a dust cloud, then it solidified, and some fish evolved into a human

And the rest was history

How do birds dust their houses?

With feather dusters!

Donald Trump's favorite song is 'Dust in the Wind.'

He said he loves anything by the band Missouri.

Three guys walked into a bar covered in coal dust...

The bar tender took one look at them and said, "Sorry, but we don't serve miners here."

What did the addict say when a dust devil hit his home?

I got sand in my crack!

Scientists have created the world’s smallest battery, which is the size of a grain of dust but capable of powering a computer

Its design is based on a swiss roll, meaning the creators hope it'll become more popular once they work out how to make a chocolate version.

A king sits on his throne. Suddenly, one of his knights enters.

The knight looks so tired he can barely stand. His armour is heavily battered and covered with dust, his sword is notched, his helmet is cracked...

**King**: Dear God, John! What happened to you?

**Knight**: Oh, I've been hard at work lately, Your Majesty. A heavy blow I dealt against ...

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's j...

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is humbler, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable r...

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake...

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as thei...

There were two white Christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert.

Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. The...

Why is there always dust at the bottom of a bag of cereal?

It's a sign Thanos has ensured you get a "balanced" breakfast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

What do you call a mean dust storm?

Darude - Sandstorm

My wife asked me one day what was on TV.

I said, "Dust."

And that's how the fight started.

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I like my dust like I like my sexual harassment allegations.

Swept under the rug.

A man finds an old bottle. He starts rubbing off the dust...

... when a genie appears.

"You have one wish," says the genie.

"One wish? I thought it was three wishes," said the man.

"That's only in stories," replied the genie. "One wish is all you get."

"Well...", started the man, who was an American, "I've always wanted to go to Au...

What's got four legs and covered in dust?

Verne Troyers high chair.

I thought I saw a shooting star but turns out it was dust on the telescope...

Turns out it was a meteor-wrong!

An Australian gets off the boat in 1930's dust bowl USA and wanders around the land a while.

The harbor master meets him at the shore and asked him...why are you here now?
Did you come here to die??
Naw mate... I came here yesterdie.

Stupid one liners everyone should know

I'll start: I recently sold my vaccum. It was just collecting dust.

How many guitarists does it take to cover 'Dust In The Wind'?

Evidently all of them.

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3 men are walking through the desert when they stumble across a lamp. They dust it off and a Genie pops out, the genie says "I will grant each of you 3 wishes!"

The first man says "I wish for a million dollars!" "Alright" says the Genie and just like that a million dollars appears at the man's feet.

The second man says "I wish for unlimited money" "Alright" says the Genie "Check your bank account" The man checks on his phone and sure enough there's a...

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

To show off how wealthy he was, I saw a guy inhale a line of 24K gold dust

It was really Au inspiring.

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One day people will land on Mars. Search for the rover, dust him off and give it the treatment it deserves.

A robo bro blow job.

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Doesn’t it suck when you’re playing ‘Another One Bites The Dust’ On your iPhone At Full Volume...

...and everyone else at the funeral gets all pissy at you?

I was very angry when my waiter served me bowl of dust. But then he pointed out, it's written right there on the menu...

"We only use the finest ingredients"

Used Vacuum cleaner for sale.

I don't need it anymore. All it does is collect dust.

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

What do you say to two dust particles making out in the street?

Get a broom, you two.

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Paddy had been drinking

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's football victory. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy"
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on me way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He fa...

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As the boy led me to the window he said “all it takes to fly is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie dust.”

As I leapt I quickly came to the conclusion that PCP is a bitch.

The latest report from Mars indicates the presence of large ring structures of precious stones and a dusting of glitter almost everywhere

Apparently, efforts are underway to tiara-form the planet.


(I do apologize for this. I happen to hear someone pronounce this word rather frequently and this is what I keep imagining they are meaning, along with some deposits of sass, pageantry and frills.)

I don’t get the purpose of an air filter

It just sits there and collects dust.

I’ve decided to sell my hoover…

well it was just collecting dust.

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

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An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in...

I'm bad for buying things I don't need...

Six months ago I bought an air purifier, it just sits in the corner of my room collecting dust.

Brave Knight Edward is going to crusade

He doesn't know if he will ever come back or not. So, he puts on an iron chastity belt on his wife, gives the key to his best friend Micheal and says,

"If I don't come back in 3 years, set her free". Michael agrees and brave Knight Edward sets out on his big black horse. He gallops toward th...

Two Council workers, Jim and Dave, are staring up at the flagpole outside the council offices

A young lady walks past and is intrigued by them, just standing there, staring.

she walks over to them and says "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you, staring at the flagpole. Is there anything wrong?"

"The boss told us we got to measure the height of this flagpole," Said Jim. "He...

A man was driving along the road

A man was driving along the road when suddenly a Ferrari whizzed past him and the driver inside yelled "ever driven a Ferrari mate?"

This angered the man, and accelerated to catch up to the Ferrari and give the driver a piece of his mind.

However as he was about to reach the Ferrari, i...

Housework:

I dusted once. It came back.

I’m not falling for that again..

A boy looks longingly to the distant islands

He wants to run away to the islands but the only problem is he’s got no money. He walks over to his wise old neighbor and asks him for advice on how to get to there.
The old man says, “well these woods here have magical pixies that have a special dust. If you get their dust you could just fly th...

I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.

All it was doing was gathering dust!

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

What song did Starlord recently add to his Awesome Mix?

Another One Bites The Dust by Queen

After the Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender...

A little boy sees a cowboy

A woman stops at a rural gas station so her little boy can use the bathroom. When he comes out, his mom is standing in line at the register and behind her is a cowboy!

The boy is really excited. He goes up to the man and asks, "Excuse me, mister. Are you a real cowboy?"

The cowboy sa...

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A man is condemned to death by stoning

A man is condemned to death by stoning. As the people gather around him and get ready to begin, Jesus emerges from the crowd and stands by the man. He says to the crowd, "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone."

The crowd is taken aback, and begins to disperse, when an old lady comes...

The court jester decided to play a prank

So he got a bucket of coal dust from the blacksmith and rigged it over a doorway.

Soon enough Sir Lancelot walks up in his shiniest silver armor. He'd spent the entire morning polishing it to a mirror finish. As soon as he walks through the doorway, a trip wire dumps the bucket of coal dust ...

Why do CSGO terrorists hate the desert?

Because they don't want de dust 2 get in their eyes.

I don't use pepper spray when I'm being robbed

I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes.

Wanna hear about my appliances?

My fan blows me away, the fridge is pretty cool, the vacuum sucks and the air ventilator just sits there and collects dust

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A joung Jew loved to read books

He loved to read so much that he read all of the books in the library in his town. So one day he went to a bookstore and asked if they had a book that he haven't read yet. An old Jew that worked there said yes and handed the boy a strange, covered in dust book titled "DEATH". He said to the boy: ...

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