$5 million solid gold toilet stolen in Blenheim Palace heist

Police have nothing to go on.

A solid gold toilet was stolen from Winston Churchills home over the weekend

As a parting gesture, the thieves left a large stool and some small nuggets in its place.

I mean being born on solid ground must be a really scary ordeal... terrifying...but imagine being born in the ocean...

now that's waterfying.

If I'm not a solid, a liquid, or a gas, does that mean...

...I don't matter?

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What does Solid Snake sing when he gets drunk and horny during 80’s Karaoke Night?

“...Cum on Mei Ling~”

My girlfriend is the square root of -100

A solid 10 but also imaginary.

Toilet humour is not my favourite kind of joke

But it's a solid number two.

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Her best feature [nsfw]

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

The tetrahedron is the second coolest platonic solid.

Right next to tucking your homie in for bed.

My GF is a solid underoot of 100

sometimes 10, sometimes -10

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How did the Japanese solider fail out of military school?

He brought a parachute to class.

A solid joke

A scientist is studying the three states of matter.

The scientist then makes an amazing discovery, the scientist in the other room then walks in, he asks "What's the matter?"

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

Solid water is called ice.

It’s the cold, hard truth.

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A man is driving down the road....

.....and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unli...

Foolproof: How I became a billionnaire in just 15 days. You can do it too.

When my wife and I got married we only got 0.50$ of combined wealth.

I was wandering around in the fruit market in desperation, that was when I saw an apple for 50 cents. I was so hungry that I spent our 50 cents in a blink of an eye. On one apple.

But then it hit me: What have I done?...

Solider 1: Don’t die on me, you hear me!? Soldier 2: I’ve been lung shot. This is the end for me. Tell my wife I love her...

...sister

How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article?

You’re in for a nasty surprise -
No one knows yet. But we’re keeping count.

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In a small town there's a priest who makes good friends with his congregation. One Sunday, a fisherman invites the priest to go fishing with him.

The next weekend, they get in a boat and spend the day fishing. Unfortunately, neither of them has much luck, until all of a sudden, the priest feels a huge tug in his line. With some help from the fisherman, he reels in what must be a thirty pound largemouth bass.

Forgetting himself, the fis...

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The Girlfriend Joke

Now, I need to caveat the beginning of this joke with some information. I'm a solid six-outta-ten, a real average looking guy. Never been too smooth wirth the ladies but whaddaya do, never been lonely neither.
So, one day I come home from work, I live in a little apartment complex, and I see acro...

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Being sexist is easy. Learning to be respectful takes a long commitment and solid effort.

That's what she said.

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Press the lid of an ice cream container before you buy it. If it's solid, it's been properly stored. If it depresses

You'll still eat it you fat fuck.

I hate being the only 3D modelling guy at my workplace

Every day my coworkers will ask if I can do them a solid

A Catholic bishop, a Hebrew rabbi and a Buddhist lama were sitting in a boat and fishing.

The rabbi looked at his watch and said: "Hey, it's lunch time, there's a restaurant on the shore, I'll go and eat there".
He stepped overboard and walked to the shore on the surface of the lake as if it was solid.

The lama watched him and said: "Yeah, I'll also go and have a lunch". ...

Your mom is a solid ten

On the Richter scale.

What's it called when a substance goes directly from solid to gas?

Premature evaporation

My Grandmother dropped her handkerchief in front of a solider on main street; Four weeks later they were married.

And that guy was banging her long before my grandfather joined the picture

A man was studying to be a filmmaker...

Since he was big live music fan, he started hitting up his favorite local bands and offering to do behind-the-scenes documentary sessions as promotional materials. He got a few bites and after shooting a few small acts, his work really took off, developing a reputation for the way he seemed to disap...

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A man went to the nude beach...

To tan his penis so he could have a solid tan. " I got that spray tan the other day but nobody likes an untanned Willy.. I know I'll bury my whole body in sand except for him" so he burys his self in sand and leaves his Willy out. 3 nuns are out on the beach walking and talking about the church when...

Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?

Because cubes are platonic solids.

My friend said the sandwich he was eating was solid

I told him if it was a liquid it wouldn't be a sandwich

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Three friends attending Duke were taking Chemistry, and were confident that going into the final they had a solid A.

They were so confident that the weekend before the final they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.

They had a great time, but were so hung-over that they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until late Monday morning.

They rushed to...

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A man was walking across a desert with his camel

A man was walking across a desert with his camel. It had been close to 10 days since the two had left the last oasis.

In the blazing heat, the man decided to take a sip of water. But noticing that he had only a few ounces of water left, he decided to save it for later.

The blazing hea...

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(My grandfather told me this) Two solider

Two solider just walking on the street. They are very hungry and nothing to eat. They saw a dead body with a big belly. They say he must have eaten something. They argue a lot and finally decide to cut up his belly with a knife. Its full of delicious pasta. One of the solider starts to eat it while ...

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A tired American solider

An American solider serving in WWII had just returned from intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted the R&R and was on a train bound London. The train was very crowded, so the solider walked the length of the train looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupi...

I'm a solid five...

But a liquid eight.
Auctioneers joke.

I love my girlfriend!!

She’s like the square root of -100, a solid ten and doesn’t exist...


*cries in quadratic formula*

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The Tale Of The Two Ravens

Once upon a time there was a raven sitting on a nice, solid branch of a big oak, allowing the bird to have a great view over the fields beneath him. The raven didn't do much, he was simply sitting on his ass. After some time another raven spotted the solid branch and the first raven and decided to s...

There are 4 states of matter... Solids, Liquids, Gases, and

Black lives

Mary Poppins Decided To Grow Some Vegetables

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After ...

The first three states of matter are liquid, solid, and gas. What are four and five?

Nine.

Girl, forget chemistry, you and I have solid *geometry*

Because our points are maximally separated, and it’s perfectly platonic.

Did anybody see the article about the leopard whose fur was bleached solid white?

It was recently spotted

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A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes Benz to 100 mph. Looking in his rear view mirror, he sees a cop behind him, signaling to pull over. He floored it to 140 , then 150, then 155, and 160…Suddenly he thought, "Shit man, I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the cop to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. And guess what, today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family to the beach. If you can give me a ...

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Pee is #1 and Poop and Diarrhea are #2

Diarrhea is just not a solid #2

It wasn't a big deal when the solider got an STI

It was an honorable discharge.

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A solider gets transferred to an outpost in the desert

When he arrives the commanding officer shows him around. After they've visited the barracks the officer brings him to a shed with a camel inside and explains:

"As you might've noticed, this is an all male unit and we're far away from civilization. Everyone here knows that even a soldier has ...

What did the water filled ice tray say to the the freezer?

Hey buddy!
Do me a solid.

Why is there a solid traffic line painted down the middle of the corridor of the government office building?

So the people coming in late don’t run into into the people going home early.

Before his inauguration, George W. Bush was invited to take a tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of water, he asked President Clinton if he could use the bathroom in the Oval Office. He was astonished to see that the president had a solid gold urinal installed. That night, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.



“Just think,” he said, “whe...

Why do hipsters enjoy prison?

Because there are solid bars everywhere.

I have some jokes about the states of matter.

But I don't think they're solid enough.

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A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.

He sits on a stool, slaps the croc on the bar, and says, "I'd like a beer, please."

The bartender says, "Whoa dude. That thing is dangerous. Get it out of my bar."

The guy says, "Nah, he's perfectly harmless, watch."

He proceeds to whip out his penis and hold it in the crocod...

After every flight the pilots of Qantas airways leave a note to the mechanics that has problems that need to be fixed.When the next flight is due the mechanics leave a report that describes what they've done to fix the problem.

Problem: The left tire almost needs to be replaced
Report: The left tire was almost replaced

Problem: Something is unhooked in the cabin

Report: We rehooked something in the cabin

Problem: The autopilot loses 200 km/h altitude when engaged

Report: We haven't been able ...

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Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes.

But they’re a solid #2.

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During a drug rehab session

Joke: During a drug rehab session, an addict shares, "I lost so much weight doing crack. When you're addicted to crack you don't have an appetite." The next addict shares, "I lost so much weight doing cocaine. I spent all my money and couldn't afford to eat." The next addict shares, "I lost so much ...

When your body is a solid 10

But your intro and conclusion need work

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The Giant Tapeworm

The fattest man in the world was proud of his accomplishment, he made a good living doing interviews and doing meet and greets for people in awe of his size. He noticed over time he was suddenly losing weight rapidly through no effort of his own. He ate more to compensate but still continued drop...

Osama Bin Ladin was actually kinda hot.

I’d rate him a solid 9/11

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

Did you hear about the solider that survived a mustard gas attack and a pepper spray attack?

He's now a seasoned veteran.

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So there was this guy

So there was this guy, yeah?

He wakes up in the middle of the night, sees an angel standing at the foot of his bed.

Angel says, "Hey, man! Yeah... hate to tell you this, but, um... it's your, uh... time. Yeah."

Dude's all like, "Wait, what? Whaddya mean it's 'my time'?"

A...

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Scientist have discovered a way to make food that, after eaten, produces absolutely no solid waste.

They expect that within a few million years, humanity will physically evolve to accommodate our new digestive requirements. They also predict the world will become a utopia, because there will be no assholes.

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Little Johnny raises his hand in class...

"Hey Teach, can I go to the bathroom, I gotta take a piss right bad!"
The teacher at the end of her rope dealing with his antics all day screamed at him, "URINATE JOHNNY !! URINATE !!"
Johnny without missing a beat replied, "Thanks teach, I always thought of myself as a solid 7 but apparent...

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Little Johnny was in class and the teacher said "today I am going to give you a letter and I want you to give me a word that begins with that letter."

So the teacher says "A" and Little Johnny immediately raises his hand but the teacher knows he will say asshole so she calls on Little Mary and she says "apple."

"Very good" the teacher replied. "Okay, how about the letter B"

Little Johnny once again immediately raises his hand and s...

A friend was freezing some ice cubes for me.

Let's say he was doing me a solid.

There is no solid evidence of global warming...

...it all melted.

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What has gas, liquid and solids on it at the same time?

Uranus.

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