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Solid Jokes

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Three friends attending Duke were taking Chemistry, and were confident that going into the final they had a solid A.

They were so confident that the weekend before the final they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.

They had a great time, but were so hung-over that they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until late Monday morning.

They rushed to...

If I'm not a solid, a liquid, or a gas, does that mean...

...I don't matter?
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I bang my wife with a solid 9 inches everyday

3 inches in the morning

3 inches in the afternoon

3 inches in the evening



It adds up :)
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I have three holes, each of which are often filled with three solid rods at the same time. What am I?

An electric socket you sick fucks!

Solid Old-Time Joke

Priest is walking through his parish, one of the hard-bitten sections of town. Pretty woman on the corner calls out to him, "Head, 10 bucks." He smiles politely, walks on, ruminates.

When he gets back to the cathedral he's still thinking it over. Walking through the garden, he comes upon one ...
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President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states.

Solid, liquid and gas.
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I have a nice solid bowel movement every morning at 6AM.

Problem is... I wake up at 7.
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I met a girl who was a solid 10 but she hated Harry Potter

Now she is a 9¾
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I have 100% solid proof that masks don't work!

My wife went on a business trip and on the plane they made her wear a mask -- and now she has chlamydia!
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Liquid recently professed her love to solid…

However he was too dense to reciprocate her feelings
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A tired American solider

An American solider serving in WWII had just returned from intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted the R&R and was on a train bound London. The train was very crowded, so the solider walked the length of the train looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupi...

A solid assurance

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doe...
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My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

A solid 10, but also imaginary.
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I'm being sued by Apple for trying to sell solid gold butt plugs.

Apparently only they can patent expensive stuff for assholes.

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A woman entered a pub and saw a haggard looking soldier sitting at the bar.

She approached him and asked if everything was all right.

The soldier said, "I haven't had sex since 2014."

The woman replied, "Wow that's a long time. How about I get your tab and you come back to my hotel?"

They went to her hotel room and made passionate love for a solid two ...

100% rock-solid proof that Trump laundered Russian mob money through the Trump Organization:

\[removed by Federal government\]
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Just had a Metal Gear Solid shit.

Solid Snake.

I’m dating a solid 5/10

Too bad I’m not ambidextrous
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A solid joke

A scientist is studying the three states of matter.

The scientist then makes an amazing discovery, the scientist in the other room then walks in, he asks "What's the matter?"
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I'm a solid five...

But a liquid eight.
Auctioneers joke.
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I used to beleive the earth was flat for 4 solid years

Then I turned 5
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A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman. She exclaims...

"Wow, what a great chest you have!"

"He says, "Solid dynamite, babe."

He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, "Wow, what massive calves you have!"

He flexes his leg muscles and says, "Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart."

Then he removes his underwear and the ...
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Solid gold toilet.

I walked in on a man using a solid gold toilet.

"How many karats is that, sir?"

"None, but there is a lot of corn."
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I call my penis Solid Snake

because it gets in and out and no one feels a damn thing.

How do you make a gas into a solid?

Push harder
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Your mom is a solid ten

On the Richter scale.
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$5 million solid gold toilet stolen in Blenheim Palace heist

Police have nothing to go on.
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What happens when a duck changes from liquid to solid state?

It Quackulates!!
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My GF is a solid underoot of 100

sometimes 10, sometimes -10
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What do you call it when a guy helps his female friend without expecting sex?

A Platonic solid.

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(My grandfather told me this) Two solider

Two solider just walking on the street. They are very hungry and nothing to eat. They saw a dead body with a big belly. They say he must have eaten something. They argue a lot and finally decide to cut up his belly with a knife. Its full of delicious pasta. One of the solider starts to eat it while ...

People in the gym always ask me how I got so big

Being a bodybuilder, people are shocked at how big I am. Many of them ask “how did you get so big?!” I tell them that it’s simple. I
Followed an extremely strict diet of raw oats and milk. Seriously. I ate nothing but raw oats and milk for two years and *literally* doubled in size!


Bu...
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George comes home to his apartment, drunk as a skunk, and says to his roommate Ted, "I just visited Joe's Tavern. It's the best one I ever visited. It even had a solid gold toilet!"

"Cool!" says Ted. He is so excited, he calls up Joe's Tavern. "My roommate told me all about your solid gold toilet!" he says.

"What?" sputters Joe the bartender on the other line. "We don't have a solid gold toilet!"

Ted hangs up the phone. "You must have been drunkenly mistaken," he ...
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How did the Japanese solider fail out of military school?

He brought a parachute to class.

Did you hear about that VR headset made out of solid gold?

It shows you an Augmented reality.
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What do you call the patron of an eccentric, spooky family that does you a solid?

Bromez Addams
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My friend said the sandwich he was eating was solid

I told him if it was a liquid it wouldn't be a sandwich
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My husband asked me to rate his looks so I told him he was a solid 10

He seemed very pleased until I added that he was more of a 63 when we first met.
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What's it called when a substance goes directly from solid to gas?

Premature evaporation
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Girl, forget chemistry, you and I have solid *geometry*

Because our points are maximally separated, and it’s perfectly platonic.
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A solider gets transferred to an outpost in the desert

When he arrives the commanding officer shows him around. After they've visited the barracks the officer brings him to a shed with a camel inside and explains:

"As you might've noticed, this is an all male unit and we're far away from civilization. Everyone here knows that even a soldier has ...

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Poop jokes aren't my favorite kind of jokes.

But they are a solid number two.

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

Constipation jokes aren't my favorite.

But they're a solid #2
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There is no solid evidence of global warming...

...it all melted.
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The true value of a solid gold toilet

It doesn't react to shit.

How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article?

You’re in for a nasty surprise -
No one knows yet. But we’re keeping count.
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It wasn't a big deal when the solider got an STI

It was an honorable discharge.
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Donald Trump doesn't have one solid, concrete idea!

Except for the wall.
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What does Solid Snake sing when he gets drunk and horny during 80’s Karaoke Night?

“...Cum on Mei Ling~”

A Russian mobster goes to meet Italian mafia

As soon as Italians notice him, they scoff. "You're not real gangster."

"Why not?" the Russian asks.

"Do you own a 4 story mansion?"

"Well, no."

"How many limousines you own?"

"Limousines? None."

"And where is your solid gold necklace?"

"I, I do not ...
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Scientist have discovered a way to make food that, after eaten, produces absolutely no solid waste.

They expect that within a few million years, humanity will physically evolve to accommodate our new digestive requirements. They also predict the world will become a utopia, because there will be no assholes.

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve learned that there are four types of matter. Solid, liquid, gas, and...

Black lives
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Being sexist is easy. Learning to be respectful takes a long commitment and solid effort.

That's what she said.

Did anybody see the article about the leopard whose fur was bleached solid white?

It was recently spotted
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What has gas, liquid and solids on it at the same time?

Uranus.

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An inexperienced young dude hooks up with a rather experienced MILF on Tinder...

They make out, when she says - hey, you ever had a 69? "No, what's that?", he replies. She says "let me show you", as she pulls down her undies and straddles his face, taking his dick in her mouth.

Few minutes into it, she's hot and bothered, and lets out the tiniest "feeeeeeeeepppp" fart war...

Did you hear about the solider that survived a mustard gas attack and a pepper spray attack?

He's now a seasoned veteran.
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An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...
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Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...
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I saw a one legged man standing on the corner holding a sign that read “will work for food” so I did him a solid

And told him IHOP was hiring.
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An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life...

...when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a...
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Why is there a solid traffic line painted down the middle of the corridor of the government office building?

So the people coming in late don’t run into into the people going home early.
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A solider had recently found out that he had cancer, and the diagnosis was making him feel miserable and struggle to carry out his duties. After failing to polish his boots properly, the drill sergeant called him forwards.

“Why haven’t you polished your boots properly?” He yelled. “What’s wrong with you? Can you make your kit presentable or not?”

“Cancer”, the soldier replied sadly.

“Good!”, the sergeant shouted, much to the soldiers surprise, before marching off.

The next day, the soldier was cal...
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An Irishman is diagnosed with incurable cancer.

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured, you'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and sad...
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Press the lid of an ice cream container before you buy it. If it's solid, it's been properly stored. If it depresses

You'll still eat it you fat fuck.

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So I was trying to get some solid advice on consensual sex from a police officer.

Apparently 9/10 police officers stated that if you can't say no, it means yes.

The clorophorm didn't work on the tenth officer.

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