What do you call the patron of an eccentric, spooky family that does you a solid?

Bromez Addams

I have a nice solid bowel movement every morning at 6AM.

Problem is... I wake up at 7.

100% rock-solid proof that Trump laundered Russian mob money through the Trump Organization:

\[removed by Federal government\]

Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve learned that there are four types of matter. Solid, liquid, gas, and...

Black lives

A solid assurance

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doe...

I saw a one legged man standing on the corner holding a sign that read “will work for food” so I did him a solid

And told him IHOP was hiring.

I used to beleive the earth was flat for 4 solid years

Then I turned 5

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day:

The daughter said to her mother. “My hands are freezing cold.”

The mother replied. “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.” The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said. “My hands are freezing cold.”<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations...

A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states

Solid, liquid and gas

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I call my penis Solid Snake

because it gets in and out and no one feels a damn thing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a dream that my wife's breasts were made from solid mahogany.

That would be wierd, wooden tit?

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life...

...when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A librarian was organizing her books when a man in a dark suit walked up.

"Hey, I'm Steven. I'll pay you $20000 if you show me your nipples tomorrow."

The librarian was shocked. $20000 was a solid 6 months of work. Dumbfounded, she nodded her head. Steven then left without a word of acknowledgement.

That night, the librarian had a lot trouble falling asleep...

There was a porta-potty near the edge of a small cliff

Everyday young Bobby would walk by it on the way home from school, and every day he would resist the temptation to kick it off the edge of the cliff.

This all changed one day when Bobby had a particularly bad day at school. He had learned about boring topics, like how George Washington cut do...

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, serving‌‌ in Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

What happens when a duck changes from liquid to solid state?

It Quackulates!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poop jokes aren’t my favourite kind of joke.

But they are a solid #2.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientist: My invention can creat matter in all three forms. Gas, liquid and solid.

My asshole: You know, I’m something of a scientist myself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens t...

How do you make a gas into a solid?

Push harder

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

A solid 10, but also imaginary.

A pencil isn’t my favorite writing tool...

...but it’s a solid number 2

The squirrels of Buckingham Palace. (The elusive thing known as a new joke)

A solider was standing guard at Buckingham Palace when his commanding officer came storming over.

‘JONES! Did I see you flinch?’

‘Yes Sir!’

‘Why did you flinch Jones?’

‘Well you see Sir, a squirrel come running out of tha’ tree over there, ran across the field, ran up m...

$5 million solid gold toilet stolen in Blenheim Palace heist

Police have nothing to go on.

Did you hear about that VR headset made out of solid gold?

It shows you an Augmented reality.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up

A man wakes up in a dimly lit room with three doors. On each door, there is a picture of a different type of food. The first door has a picture of eggs, second has a picture of cereal and the third has a picture of beans.

The man decides to try the first door, so he opens it. Behind it is a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someones coming

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conve...

Three friends die and go to heaven...

and meet God at the gate. God tells them that he will give them cars to drive into heaven, but first they have to tell him how many times they cheated on their wives, and they shouldn't bother lying because he has a big record book of every person's actions.

God turns to the first man and ask...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa used to tell me this joke when he was alive

Jokes about poop are not my number 1 favorite, but they are a solid 2!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Air Force Colonel is about to brief his men.

An Air force Colonel is about to start the morning briefing.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decides to pose a question to assembled staff.

He explained his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and that he failed to get his usual amount of ...

A solid gold toilet was stolen from Winston Churchills home over the weekend

As a parting gesture, the thieves left a large stool and some small nuggets in its place.

A man named Rick walks into his room after a long day of work and sees his wife crying on their bed.

He askes her what it was all about and she said that she had been threatened by someone she thought was her friend earlier that evening.

Now, Rick has no idea how to handle this, so goes to confront his friend Lee, who has some experience with things like this.

After a long discussion...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Story from the Old West

Scene: The old west, in a Saloon, somewhere in Dodge City or Tombstone, AZ or the like....


A old man bursts through the doors and starts shouting "Everybody, y'all better clear out o' here.  Big John's a comin' to town!!!"


Everyone in the saloon jumps up knocking over table...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting alone at home, when suddenly there’s a knock at his door ...

Standing at the door is a door to door salesman.

Man: Whatever you’re selling, I’m not interested.

Salesman: But what I’m selling is very interesting. I’m a purveyor of luxury prosthetics. Allow me to demonstrate.

And he raises the right leg of his pants. His leg is solid gold!...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends attending Duke were taking Chemistry, and were confident that going into the final they had a solid A.

They were so confident that the weekend before the final they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.

They had a great time, but were so hung-over that they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until late Monday morning.

They rushed to...

If Kanye West is running ...

I think Vanilla Ice should run for president at some point as well. He'd have a solid campaign slogan "If there was a problem, I'll solve it" and he'd make everyone collaborate and listen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the Japanese solider fail out of military school?

He brought a parachute to class.

My GF is a solid underoot of 100

sometimes 10, sometimes -10

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Solid Snake sing when he gets drunk and horny during 80’s Karaoke Night?

“...Cum on Mei Ling~”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Scotsmen go to Hell

[I know this joke has been shared a few times before but I thought I would share my Scottish cultural adaptation of it]

A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Glaswegians? T...

A solid joke

A scientist is studying the three states of matter.

The scientist then makes an amazing discovery, the scientist in the other room then walks in, he asks "What's the matter?"

How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article?

You’re in for a nasty surprise -
No one knows yet. But we’re keeping count.

Imagine this

You're watching a movie late at night in your house, when suddenly you hear a noise. You walk downstairs to investigate. You hear a sound coming from the outside of your door. You hear:

"Hello, this is the lockpickinglawyer, and today I'll be showing you how to open a Prime-Line Chain Door Gu...

Why didn't the octahedron date the tetrahedron?

They were platonic solids

What's it called when a substance goes directly from solid to gas?

Premature evaporation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Press the lid of an ice cream container before you buy it. If it's solid, it's been properly stored. If it depresses

You'll still eat it you fat fuck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Being sexist is easy. Learning to be respectful takes a long commitment and solid effort.

That's what she said.

My friend said the sandwich he was eating was solid

I told him if it was a liquid it wouldn't be a sandwich

Your mom is a solid ten

On the Richter scale.

A man's car breaks down outside of a monastery.

A man is driving home from a buisness trip. As he has a pretty low paying job, he doesn't have the best of cars.

After a few hours of driving, he drives past a monastery.

Unfortunately his car breaks down right in front of the monastery.

Being a man of God, he obviously figures...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(My grandfather told me this) Two solider

Two solider just walking on the street. They are very hungry and nothing to eat. They saw a dead body with a big belly. They say he must have eaten something. They argue a lot and finally decide to cut up his belly with a knife. Its full of delicious pasta. One of the solider starts to eat it while ...

An old man is traveling to a far off land, but is arrested in a city named Runnia along the way.

The townspeople of Runnia are convinced that he was the murderer of Barth F. Bradley, the local butcher. Though there is not much evidence of the claim, a witness claims he saw the old man leave Bradley's shop on the night of the murder. The townspeople, who were always suspicious of strangers, cons...

Two guys go for a job interview

Joey and Frank are good friends who had worked together for over 5 years, but are now between jobs. They decide to go to a hiring agency together. Joey is called in to see the recruiter first, and after about 10 minutes in the room, he comes out elated. "I got the job!". Frank congratulates him and ...

I had some uncooked pasta for dinner yesterday

It was an all-round solid meal

A joke I heard from Walter Matthau

Three old men are talking and the first old man goes “if I could do a good number 1 , just a number one for three seconds I’d be happy with myself”

The second goes “if I could do a solid number 2, just a quick, swift number 2 I’d be satisfied”

The third guy goes “well I do an awesome n...

I'm a solid five...

But a liquid eight.
Auctioneers joke.

When your body is a solid 10

But your intro and conclusion need work

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three old men are sitting around in a convalescent home,

And the first man pipes up:

“I wish I could have just one good easy piss. I’ve had enough with this dribbling, and trying to get it out, always waiting and waiting and waiting.”

The second man chimes in:

“I wish I could have one just one easy poop. It either comes out runny and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A solider gets transferred to an outpost in the desert

When he arrives the commanding officer shows him around. After they've visited the barracks the officer brings him to a shed with a camel inside and explains:

"As you might've noticed, this is an all male unit and we're far away from civilization. Everyone here knows that even a soldier has ...

Girl, forget chemistry, you and I have solid *geometry*

Because our points are maximally separated, and it’s perfectly platonic.

"How's your diarrhea?"

"Well there's nothing solid planned yet for the foreseeable future..."

Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health

But I think fiber makes a solid number two.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's this farmer, and he has this pig...

A prize winning sow, and he wants to breed her. His neighbor tells the farmer he has a stud pig, he'd be happy to accommodate. Guaranteed impregnation, the neighbor assures him. The farmer agrees.

The next morning the farmer loads the pig into his truck, drives her up the road to the neighbor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientist have discovered a way to make food that, after eaten, produces absolutely no solid waste.

They expect that within a few million years, humanity will physically evolve to accommodate our new digestive requirements. They also predict the world will become a utopia, because there will be no assholes.

Why is there a solid traffic line painted down the middle of the corridor of the government office building?

So the people coming in late don’t run into into the people going home early.

Did you hear about the solider that survived a mustard gas attack and a pepper spray attack?

He's now a seasoned veteran.

It wasn't a big deal when the solider got an STI

It was an honorable discharge.

Saw a woman on a bike yesterday.

As she cycled towards me I couldn't help myself and shouted at her.

"COW!"

She cycled on but turned her head to shout some abuse at me, effing and blinding for a solid twenty seconds, before riding in to the side of a cow.

I was only trying to help.

I loved my pet rock

Our friendship was solid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Asian men die in a car accident on Easter Sunday.

They find themselves at the pearly gates, where Peter is at his receptionist desk awaiting them.

“Now, here’s the deal,” Peter says to them. “You three were not believers, so you are not allowed in here.” The men glance at each other, beginning to grow pale. “However, since it’s Easter, I’m w...

Why did it take the computer so long to get here?

It had a solid state drive!

(My wife came up with this just now.)

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.