Lug Jokes - 36 Hilarious Lug Jokes

The door-to-door magazine salesman lugged around a 50-lb. sample case all day.

He had a lot of back issues.

My pastor told this during a sermon once and it still kills me

Two fellas are walking in the woods one day when they come upon a gigantic hole, so big and deep that they can't see the bottom of it. Naturally, their curiosity gets the best of them and they start looking for things to throw in the hole. They find sticks and rocks and throw them in but never hear ...

A man was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized bag in the plane.

Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to put his bag in the overhead compartment.

"Do you always carry such heavy luggage", she asked.

"No more", the man replied. "Next time, I would be riding in the bag and my partner can buy the ticket".

Bob, a Neanderthal furniture craftsman, lugs his latest stone creation into Harry’s store.

Harry is the proud owner of Pleistocene Man Home, a thriving home goods and flint cave.

Bob, still breathing heavily from his labor, says to Harry, “Here new chair. Soft slate. No crack. Has club holder.

Harry is impressed. “Good chair! Better than chair you make for Doug”

“W...

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Two priests (NSFW)(long)

Two priests were driving in a car during a pouring rainstorm when they got a flat tire. They got out to change the tire, but just as they started a man pulled up and said "Father, you should wait in the car where it's dry. I'll change the tire for you."

The priest agreed but told the man to m...

Yesterday I tried to loosen a rusty lug nut...

But it didn't turn out.

On a cold, snowy day, a man's car has a flat tire in front of a mental hospital.

As he's trying to change the tire, several patients are watching him through holes in the fence. He puts the hubcap down on the snow, and starts putting the loose lug nuts in the hubcap. When he gets the wheel off, he accidentally steps on the edge of the hubcap, and the lug nuts go flying off in...

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin...

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.

“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager.

“$300” – he replied.

“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.

The store manager said h...

A man drove by an asylum and got a flat tire...

As he begins to change the tire, he sees a man in a window watching him from the insane asylum.

Nervous as he changes his tire, he drops the lugnuts down the sewer drain.

Now he's stuck on what to do

The patient in the window yells down at the man.
"Hey! ...hey! Up here! T...

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An oldie I haven't seen here yet...

So this lady is driving along when BAM one of her tyres gets a puncture so she pulls over to the side of the road. She takes off the wheel with the flat tyre so she can change to her spare, but just as she takes it off a big dog runs past and knocks all 4 lug nuts down a nearby drain.

As she ...

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A man's rear tire falls off his car in front of a mental asylum.

While inspecting he notices that all the lug nuts have broken and fallen off the wheel.

As he sits there desperately trying to find a way to re-attach his wheel to the car, he hears a voice call out to him from behind the fence.

"What seems to be the problem?" says the mental patient....

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat.

While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, wh...

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A guy is driving when one of his wheels comes off!

He manages to pull over safely and recovers the tire.

When he does he notices that he does not have any spare lug nuts to re-secure the tire the car.

He spends a good long while pacing around the car and cursing. He notices that he is being watched by a man in blue scrubs and white sli...

A guy has a flat just outside of an insane asylum

He knows this and is nervous while changing the tire.

It doesn't help that one of the patients is watching him from the other side of the fence. The guy drops two of the lug nuts and can't find them. Starts to panic.

The patient speaks up: "Just tighten up the remaining two opposite ...

I came across a guy changing his tire on the side of the road

So I stopped to help him, his lug nuts were on super tight, so we both pushed on the tire iron with our full weight, which was a mistake, you see, because i lost my balance, and fell hard, with an audible snap!

“Oh my God! My arm I broke my f-ing arm!”

“Which bone?” He asked me, as he ...

Car breaks down in front of an insane asylum... [Long]

So a guy’s car breaks down in front of an insane asylum in the dead of the night in the pouring rain. The guy gets out of the car and sees he has a flat tire on his front drivers side. He goes to his trunk to grab the spare, the jack, and his wrench.

As he takes the lug nuts off, he places t...

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I was out for a drive when the car suddenly started shuddering and the front wheel fell off.

I stopped and got out trying to figure out what the heck happened.
As I cross the front of the car I can see the tire is in the ditch by a fence that says, St Clements institute for the insane. I can plainly see that the lug nuts have all come off allowing the tire to falloff the car.
I quickl...

A hunter and his friend are walking down a path when they spot a deep hole in the ground.

The hunter says "how far do ya reckon that hole goes?" The friend replies with "i don't know, lets chuck something down there and find out." They both lug an old radiator from the nearby bushes over to it and let it fall in. They start to count and listen for the thud, but before they hear it land, ...

My buddy and I were out for a walk and noticed this giant hole in a field...

We walked up to the hole and threw in a small rock; no sound; no signs of it hitting the bottom!

So we found a larger rock and threw it into the hole; no sound; no signs of it ever hitting the bottom.

My buddy notices a bunch of railroad ties along the forest line nearby. We lug the gi...

I got a flat tire outside of the Mental Institution.

I wrestled the tire off, but stripped out half of the nuts. "Great! What am I gonna do now?", I spit, angrily.

"Put one on every other lug, then drive cautiously to a place you can get some more." A patient was looking over the wall.

"How'd you know that?", I asked.

"I'm craz...

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You're not depressed...

I was at the beach and noticed a younger guy who was moping and looking sad. To make matters worse the guy was scrawny and couldn't have weighed more than a 100 lbs.

I walked up to the guy and said "hey buddy what's wrong? It's a beautiful day at the beach and there's nothing but gorgeous...

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Jumped in the back of a taxi earlier on.......

I fancied talking the taxi drivers lugs off so i tapped him on the shoulder. The driver absolutely shit himself, swerved over the road, nearly hit a bus, mounted the path and slammed his brakes on inches away from a shop window. I say "Fuck me mate you're a bit jumpy ain't ye , nearly fucking killed...

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank?

They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?"

The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..."

T...

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An older gentleman walks in to a bar and spends the night drinking...

As he finishes up his last drink the bartender says, "Rich, you want me to call your wife to come pick you up?"

Rich responds, "Nah, I'll get home just fine."

He takes his last gulp and lifts himself from the bar stool only to collapse on to the floor.

The bar tender rushes ov...

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The deep hole [PG]

Two guys, Jim and Dwight, were out for a hike. While on their jaunt they came across a pitch black hole the size of a minivan. Amazed Dwight walked carefully to the edge. He looked into the utter darkness and exclaimed "Woah! Hey Jim, how deep do you think this goes??"

Jim saunt...

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My go-to joke

Seamus is out walking with his grandson Angus, and he says "Angus, your da told me to give you a little talk about legacy. Ya got to be careful with what you do in life, because it'll stick with ya"

"You see that bridge over there? I cut every stone down in the quarry, lugged them up to to th...

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We are getting there

A man walks into the bathroom and takes his position at the urinal. He is joined by a 6ft tall black man.

Going about his business he accidentally looks over and is amazed at the size of his neighbours johnson.

Both men go to wash their hands and the first man leans over and says. "Tel...

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

Two guys are hiking through the woods...

And they come into a clearing with a huge hole in the middle. The hole is very deep, the men can't see the bottom, it's just black. So one of the guys picks up a few rocks and tosses them in. They both wait to hear the rocks hit the bottom, but they never do. So the second guy picks up a pretty big ...

A sheep and a hole [PG]

Two campers are out walking around, and come across a huge hole in the ground. The first camper goes up to the hole and says "wow, I wonder how deep this is?" The second camper picks up a rock, chucks it in the hole, puts his ear down and waits to hear it hit the bottom. Nothing. The first campe...

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A guy walks into a bar and notices a large pile of $10 bills ....

He asks the bartender what the pile of money is about, and the bartender tells him, "We have a long-running contest here. You put in $10, and if you can complete three tasks, you get to walk away with the whole pile."

"What are the three tasks?" asks the man.

"Well, first you have to g...

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A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a couple shots of whiskey. After he downs his whiskey he notices a jar filled with coins and a couple dollar bills on top. He then asks the bartender what's the jar for and the bartender points to the big guy on the other side of the bar and says "you see that lug ...

One day a man got a flat tire...

... right in front of an insane asylum. "Dagnabbit!" he cursed as he pulled a jack and a tire iron from his trunk. Just then he noticed a man in a white hospital gown staring at him from up on a hill behind the wrought iron bars.

The driver set about his task. He popped the hubcap off, loose...

The Swing Bar

Jim's friends take him to a bar he hadn't been to before then. It was like any other joint, minus the oddly cheap booze, and the group of people huddled in the corner.

Jim asks the bartender what they're doing, and he explains that they're having a "swing".

Jim and his friends venture...

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Dracula in Italy

Count Dracula, fed up with the miserable weather in Transylvania, decides to take a holiday, so he packs up his coffin and capes and heads to Rome for a long weekend.
Upon arriving at his hotel the concierge greets him and asks if has a reservation.
"Yessss," replies the Count. "I am Dracula,...

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