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Muck Jokes

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. "How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartender s...

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Of Harleys and Horses (a joke that reads like a fable)

One day, it rained mighty fierce down on the farm. And when the weather let up, all the barn animals decided to come out and play. As they did so, Mr. Horse decided he wanted to go take a romp out in Mr. Farmers field, and splash in all the muck puddles.

After a while, however, Mr. Horse foun...

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What's the difference between an epileptic oyster schucker and a diahrettic prostitute?

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster schucker and a diahrettic prostitute?
- The epileptic oyster schucker shucks between fits.

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
- the pickpocket spends all day snatching watches.

What's the difference ...

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A woman flashed her tits at me today....

I just sat there and giggled like a school boy.



Then she said to me " will you stop mucking around and check this lump, doctor."

What's the difference between a freshwater fish and a mountain goat?

One mucks around in fountains,

Pegleg Pete the Pirate decided to retire

He fired his crew, ran his ship aground, and built a small cabin for himself just a short walk from the beach. He enjoyed his quiet life until global warming turned his front yard into a swamp. He couldn't get down to the shore without struggling through muck and mud that was once his peaceful stro...

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Charles the duck was sitting by the muddy edge of the pond.

Suddenly a female duck fell out of the sky and landed head first into the mud with her rear sticking up. Another nearby duck, thinking he had won the lottery, quickly mounted the female, but she reared up and threw him off forcefully.

It was a Chuck duck cuck muck luck fuck buck.

An English farmer was walking through his field

He spotted a intruder crouched down by his pond. As he approached he realised the man was drinking pond water, cupping his hands.

"Oy ye dinnae wanna drink from there. It be full of hoss an' muck!" shouted the farmer.

The man looked up, startled. "Pardon monsieur but i am french. I am ...

My grandfather got pretty burnt the other day

They don't muck around at the crematorium

Why did Moses vote for Al Gore?

Because the last time he took political orders from a Bush, his country went mucking around in the Middle East for forty years.

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A farmer goes outside to check his livestock

While observing the cattle he notices that he needs to clean up the accumulated manure in one of his corrals. So he gets the tractor and pushes the muck into a pile on the edge of the pen. As he does this, the pile leans against the fence causing the wood to break and splinter. The farmer turns to h...

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Dear Deirdre.

My boyfriend's a right dick! He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex. I didn't believe him but after some persuasion, he talked me into it and I let him stick his big fat knob into my tiny little arsehole. He shagged me up the bum really hard then after a while, shot his muck, deep in...

skiing buddies

Three men go on a skiing trip, but when they get to the HOTEL they find out that the hotel have mucked up their rooms and they have to share one big bed. When they wake up the guy on the left says I had a well strange dream last night that I was getting a hand job, and then the guy on the right goes...

I walked into a public restroom

and saw a guy staring into a filthy toilet with a quarter at the bottom. He stood there looking conflicted for a minute, then pulled a twenty dollar bill from his wallet and threw it into the toilet. Then he reached into the muck and pulled out the twenty dollar bill and the quarter.

I asked ...

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A hunter shoots a duck and it falls on First Nations land...

The Hunter goes to get it, and a native man stops him. "This duck is on my land, so it's mine."

The hunter argues that he shot it, so it's his.

They go back and forth for some time, and finally the native says, "My people have a tradition here for settling disputes - we take turns kick...

What's the difference between a politician and a catfish?

One's a bottom-dwelling, muck-sucker and the other is a fish.

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When I was lost in the woods

A couple of years ago, I was walking through the woods when I became lost. I had no compass, no map and wandered for hours, then days trying to find my way back. As I made my way through the muck and mud, I became hungry, more hungry than I had ever been, and found a few berries to satiate me for a ...

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Jesus & Moses in a boat

so jesus and moses were rowing a boat fishing for supper and after no action Jesus was getting bored and he was like 'hey moishe, moishe--check it out, you think i can still walk on water? you think i still have it? how much you wanna bet i can still walk on water?' Moses says 'i'll take any bet you...

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Two Russians were walking through the woods...

And they came across a pile of brownish muck.
"Look like dogshit?" asks Commander Igor.
"Ya! Look like dogshit!" answers Ivan.
"Smell it!" commands Igor. Ivan gets down and takes a whiff.
"Smell like dogshit?" asks Igor.
"Ya! Smells like dogshit!"
"Taste i...

The first day of school...

The first day of school was always great. I remember mucking around in the classroom and wreaking havoc. Picking on the little kids and taking their lunch money. Asserting myself on the playground by tripping and pushing everyone.

I just hope the students were having fun.

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This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes o...

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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band pla...

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The Tourettes Pianist.

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and ...

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