Milk is the fastest liquid

It's pasteurized before you've even seen it

My friend told me that his DIY liquid rocket made it to space...

I told him to quit being hypergolic.

If I'm not a solid, a liquid, or a gas, does that mean...

...I don't matter?

If you drink the blue liquid inside of a magic 8 ball, you can see the future.

It’s true. My friend Carl drank one and said “I’m dying”, and then he did.

So I put my finger in liquid nitrogen today..

And I am glad to inform you it's still more than 0K.

What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?

They both slowly remove clogs.

Breaking News: All liquids in Switzerland are being converted to a pH of 7

The government were asked if they thought this was good idea. They claimed to be neutral

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was at my buddy's bachelor party, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid. "Drink it!" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realized the prank the bastards were trying to pull...

Budweiser

Doctor told me I can only eat liquid foods now

The truth was hard to swallow

What do you call the activity where you insert a hairy rod in your mouth and at the end you spit out a white liquid?

Brushing your teeth.

Did you hear about the message that tricked ice to flash to vapor without first passing through the liquid state?

It was subliminal.

Two priests are in a shower

Two priests are in a shower.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They have liquid Viagra now

You can pour yourself a stiff one.

Vodka isn't a liquid.

It’s a solution.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

DRUG NAMES

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. Aft...

The first three states of matter are liquid, solid, and gas. What are four and five?

Nine.

A guy walks into a room to see his father standing over a bucket filled with red liquid.

"Father, what's happening?" he asks. The father replies
"I'm dying, son."



"Father, I said I wanted my shirts blue, not red!"







Sorry it's bad but hey, it's not a repost!
EDITED for clarification (am on mobile)

There are 4 states of matter... Solids, Liquids, Gases, and

Black lives

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My doctor just wrote me a prescription for liquid viagra.

Looking forward to pouring myself a stiff one.

#IllShowMyselfOut.

My wife and I have been arguing about hot liquids for weeks

But today, it all finally boiled over

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidently swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper...

I woke this morning with a huge correction.

I’ve developed a new medicine to help people sleep at night. It works better than normal off the shelf brands. Small pills taken with a liquid and there’s no harsh taste or smell.

I’m calling them “Pill Cosbys”.

What do you call it when a gas turns into a liquid?

Sharting

I was washing the dishes when a drop of the dishwashing liquid I was using somehow got to my eye. It stung so bad I started crying.

I guess this is what they call tears of Joy™.

I put a bunch of X and Y chromosomes into a blender, and made a liquid of them.

It's genderfluid.

I have a dishwashing liquid that attacks grease.

Mostly the uninspired cinematography and John Travolta's singing.

How do you explain to someone that ice isn't a liquid?

Just give some solid facts.

Why do prisoners prefer liquid soap?

Takes longer to pick up

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

When does a gas become a liquid?

When it stains your underwear.

I could tell you that sodium hydroxide is a liquid out of solution.

But then that would be a lye.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What has gas, liquid and solids on it at the same time?

Uranus.

A guy wants to take his girlfriend on a romantic dinner date...

She recommends an unusual restaurant that just opened: you have to wait in line for every food item you want.
Like a gentlemen, the man waits in the myriad of food lines before him. He waits in the potato line, he waits in the chicken line, and even waits in a gravy line. He comes back after a w...

Who's in charge of all the liquid measurements?

The liter.

What kind of liquid does a pig's printer use?

oink

What is the tastiest liquid in a fruit?

The IV Drip

How much liquid can Monica Lewinskys mouth hold?

One U.S. Liter

A man working at the Federal Reserve

A man working at the Federal Reserve was hired to manufacture pennies. On his first day, the supervisor walked him around the manufacturing area.

“This first machine melts down large blocks of metal. The liquid metal is then poured into a mold that makes a smaller block. That smaller block ...

The liquid inside a fire hydrant is H^2O, but the liquid on the outside is K9P.

Courtesy of schnauzers-rule.com

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Most powerful liquid in the world

One day a preacher was out watering his lawn when he spied a young boy from his church running down the road with a bottle in his hand. He stopped him and asked, “What you got there, son?”

The boy replied “Turpentine preacher! It’s the most powerful liquid in the world!”

The preacher ...

My favorite joke my mom told me from my childhood. - A kindergarten teachers birthday.

A kindergarten teacher is having her birthday and three of her students decided to bring her a gift.

The first students was little Timmy and his dad owned a Candy Store. Timmy walked up to his teacher and handed her a nice little gift wrapped box. The teacher thanked the student and told him...

Why did they start using liquid soaps in prisons?

(if you thought because you can't drop it, guess again)


Because it takes longer to pick up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An attractive woman is sitting alone at the bar and sees a man with a military-style haircut sitting by himself at the other end, nursing his drink.

The woman notices that the man is looking glum and hasn't made any attempt to speak to anyone besides the barkeep. She takes a swig of liquid courage, saunters down the bar, and sits next to the man.

"Excuse me, sir, but are you a soldier? I couldn't help but notice your haircut!" The woman ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old singer walks into a bar

An old singer walks into a bar and comes to a bartender:
-Hey there. I would like to sing in your bar, for some liquid reward
-Well, that sounds fine, but can we hear some of your songs first?
Singer agrees, stands up and announces: The first song is called “I’m gonna fuck your ass untill y...

Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.

Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were waiting for an elevator.

On the floor, next to the elevator door, was a tiny puddle of milky liquid.

The brunette notices it first and says, "Oh my God, that looks like semen."

The redhead bends down and sniffs, "Oh my god, this smells like semen."

The blonde gets down on one knee, dips her finger in it...

High Noon

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday.

Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner.

Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"

His employees replied, "No."

Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bo...

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

What do you and a punch bowl have in common?

You’re both full of red liquid

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Russian, a Frenchman and a German...

...go high diving at a swimming pool. They each get to wish for a liquid to jump in.

The russian goes first. He gets up the tower, of course, wishes for vodka and so he lands ina pool full of vodka.

Next up was the Frenchman. He climbed the tower, shouted "Wine!" and he jumped into t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two pilots are on a routine flight.

One is a Caucasian man with over 22 years of experience as a pilot. His co-pilot is a Iranian-American man who started the job just 2 months ago. This was the first time the two have flown together, so small talk is very little.

The white guy decides to break the ice. "So, you know anything a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two monks are taking a shower together.

Suddenly one of the monks notices that they forgot the soap. So he leaves the shower and runs to his room completely naked to grab some soap.

Once he's got the soap and is walking back he hears three nuns approaching.

Terrified that they might recognize him he freezes and pretends to b...

A Psych Professor was conducting an experiment with a Psych Student...

There was half of a glass of water sitting on a small table. They would have the subjects of the experiment (other students from the University) come in and describe what they see. Depending on the students’ answers, they would determine their personality type.

The first student comes in and ...

Three engineers are discussing God...

They argue over what kind of engineer God would be. The first engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how the body moves with all its muscles, bones, joints, ligaments and tendons. The amount of coordination it takes to stand upright, walk and run! He's a mechanical engineer."...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A villager had a small penis and hated it...

One day, he decided he's had enough of his pitiful manhood and goes to see the village elder.

The elder referred him to a shaman living in the center of a village, so he went to see the shaman. When he got there, he told the shaman about his small penis.

The shaman nodded his head, and...

An expecting father

John was always a loving husband. For years he was constantly on beck and call. He never strayed from his wife Marla and Marla adored John. For years and years John and Marla attempted to have children. They went to fertility clinics, they sought guidance from multiple specialists, and even tried al...

Physics student asks to go to bathroom

Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Breaking News on the NYSE

Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will
soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi
Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as
a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do". Pepsi's proposed ad c...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wakes up to find a ring around his penis.

He is worried he might have a dicease, so he takes the day off of work to go to the doctor. He quickly gats dressed and hops in his car.

When he got to the the doctor, he checked in and waited patiently. After 30 minutes or so, they call his name and he goes to a room.

Soon the doctor ...

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of s...

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