UPJOKE
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Liquid Jokes

What type of liquid makes a waterbed the bounciest?

Spring water

A scientist took a selfie while he was drinking liquid nitrogen

He was quoted as saying "It was the coolest shot I ever took"

Vodka isn't a liquid.

It’s a solution.

President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states.

Solid, liquid and gas.

What's the fastest liquid on earth?

Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

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What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?

They both slowly remove clogs.

I'll see myself out... Hey, at least it was original.
Thanks for the gold !

Why do they use liquid soap in prisons?

It takes longer to pick it up

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I heard they make Viagra in a liquid form now

That's good news because before it was a hard pill to swallow, but now I can enjoy a good stiff drink

What’s the difference between a liquid and the matter baby?

What’s the matter baby?

Nothing honey

does anyone here know what the liquid coming from your eye is?

Eye dew

If I'm not a solid, a liquid, or a gas, does that mean...

...I don't matter?

Liquid recently professed her love to solid…

However he was too dense to reciprocate her feelings

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Little Johhny is staring at a jar of liquid in aw.....

Father O'Tuelley walks up and says "Johnny what do you have there?"


Little Johnny says "Oh Father it is the most powerful liquid on the face of the earth, it is turpentine!"


Father O'Tuelley says "I beg to differ the most powerful liquid on the face of the earth is holy wat...

Why can't Liquid Soap ever be a Lawyer?

They'll never pass the Bar Exam

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Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidently swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper...

I woke this morning with a huge correction.

I refuse to throw out the liquid on top of my yogurt.

That would be wheystful.

If you drink the liquid from a Magic 8 ball

You can see the future. My brother did and immediately looked at me, said he was going to die, and then he died

As a practical joke I arranged a bucket of liquid nitrogen so that it fell on our chemistry teacher when he opened the door.

He must have found it funny. He completely cracked up!

A person in a lab coat places a glass half-filled with a yellow liquid in front of 4 people.

Immediately, the first person pipes up, "Ah, I see the glass is half full!" This person is an optimist.

The second person states, "Naw man, why would he bring us a half-full glass? He obviously drank some. It's now half empty." This person is a pessimist.

The third person scoffs, "Why ...

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Two monks are taking a shower together.

Suddenly one of the monks notices that they forgot the soap. So he leaves the shower and runs to his room completely naked to grab some soap.

Once he's got the soap and is walking back he hears three nuns approaching.

Terrified that they might recognize him he freezes and pretends to b...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

What did the teenager say when his friend told him that mexico had liquid cheese used for dipping?

"Kay, so?"

What do you call a thick, sticky liquid that also can’t play bass guitar?

SID VISCOUS!

How is the liquid inside the iPhone’s battery called?

Apple juice

If you drink that fluorescent liquid there's inside those party bracelets you can predict the future

My friend just drank 5 of them and said he was going to die, 2 hours later he was dead.

Two priests are in a shower.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from o...

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My wife keeps asking why I drink a pink liquid whenever my stomach is upset.

Frankly, it's not her bismuth.

In which state is the Great Salt Lake?

Liquid

What big, brown, hairy, and has a white liquid inside?

Coconuts

Which Science-Fiction author is the best source of liquid mercury?

HG Wells.

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A new washing liquid has been launched

It is marketed as the Best Universal Grit Grime and Effluence Remover. So if Persil won't whiten it and Tide won't brighten it and Dash won't renew it - BUGGER it.

A monk, 3 nuns and liquid soap (long)

So 2 monks were going to have a shower and as they got in, they realised that they didn't have any soap so one of them went up to his room as he had some there. As he was leaving, he saw 3 nuns in the hallway so posed as a statue to wait for them to go past.

When they reached him, the first n...

My friend told me that his DIY liquid rocket made it to space...

I told him to quit being hypergolic.

What happens when a duck changes from liquid to solid state?

It Quackulates!!

Some people dislike parsley in their liquid dishes

but I think it's soup herb.

What kind of dish washing liquid does a zombie use?

Dawn of the Dead.

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

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A villager had a small penis and hated it...

One day, he decided he's had enough of his pitiful manhood and goes to see the village elder.

The elder referred him to a shaman living in the center of a village, so he went to see the shaman. When he got there, he told the shaman about his small penis.

The shaman nodded his head, and...

Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve learned that there are four types of matter. Solid, liquid, gas, and...

Black lives

What do you call an aquarium filled with liquid nitrogen?

Oxygen defishent.

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An elderly Man goes to the Doctor.

Man:"Doctor i need help, recebtly i got a new Girlfriend, 26 years old and im pretty much impotent can you help me?"

Doctor:"I have the right thing for you, please drop your pants."

The Man drops his Pants and the Doctor puts a syringe in his Penis, containing a blue liquid.

The...

Doctor told me I can only eat liquid foods now

The truth was hard to swallow

I would tell you a joke about my washing up liquid...

But it’s not Fairy Original

What do you call the activity where you insert a hairy rod in your mouth and at the end you spit out a white liquid?

Brushing your teeth.

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They have liquid Viagra now

You can pour yourself a stiff one.

So I put my finger in liquid nitrogen today..

And I am glad to inform you it's still more than 0K.

Did you hear about the message that tricked ice to flash to vapor without first passing through the liquid state?

It was subliminal.

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I was at my buddy's bachelor party, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid. "Drink it!" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realized the prank the bastards were trying to pull...

Budweiser

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