Why is milk the fastest liquid?

Because its pasteurised before you see it

What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?

They both slowly remove clogs.

Breaking News: All liquids in Switzerland are being converted to a pH of 7

The government were asked if they thought this was good idea. They claimed to be neutral

What do you call the activity where you insert a hairy rod in your mouth and at the end you spit out a white liquid?

Brushing your teeth.

A guy walks into a room to see his father standing over a bucket filled with red liquid.

"Father, what's happening?" he asks. The father replies
"I'm dying, son."



"Father, I said I wanted my shirts blue, not red!"







Sorry it's bad but hey, it's not a repost!
EDITED for clarification (am on mobile)

Did you hear about the message that tricked ice to flash to vapor without first passing through the liquid state?

It was subliminal.

Two priests are in a shower

Two priests are in a shower.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They have liquid Viagra now

You can pour yourself a stiff one.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was at my buddy's bachelor party, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid. "Drink it!" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realized the prank the bastards were trying to pull...

Budweiser

If you drink the liquid from a Magic 8 ball

You can see the future. My brother did and immediately looked at me, said he was going to die, and then he died

Vodka isn't a liquid.

It’s a solution.

What did the solid say to the liquid?

What’s the matter?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My doctor just wrote me a prescription for liquid viagra.

Looking forward to pouring myself a stiff one.

#IllShowMyselfOut.

My wife and I have been arguing about hot liquids for weeks

But today, it all finally boiled over

The first three states of matter are liquid, solid, and gas. What are four and five?

Nine.

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DRUG NAMES

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. Aft...

There are 4 states of matter... Solids, Liquids, Gases, and

Black lives

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Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidently swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper...

I woke this morning with a huge correction.

Why do prisoners prefer liquid soap?

Takes longer to pick up

I was washing the dishes when a drop of the dishwashing liquid I was using somehow got to my eye. It stung so bad I started crying.

I guess this is what they call tears of Joy™.

I put a bunch of X and Y chromosomes into a blender, and made a liquid of them.

It's genderfluid.

What do you call it when a gas turns into a liquid?

Sharting

I have a dishwashing liquid that attacks grease.

Mostly the uninspired cinematography and John Travolta's singing.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4.
I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.
The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

**Principal:** What is 3+3?

**Boy:** 6....

Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.

Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've ...

When does a gas become a liquid?

When it stains your underwear.

I could tell you that sodium hydroxide is a liquid out of solution.

But then that would be a lye.

How do you explain to someone that ice isn't a liquid?

Just give some solid facts.

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What has gas, liquid and solids on it at the same time?

Uranus.

High Noon

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

Who's in charge of all the liquid measurements?

The liter.

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Viagra now comes in a liquid form, people in nightclubs have been putting drops of it in their eyes.....

Apparently it makes them look hard.

What kind of liquid does a pig's printer use?

oink

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two pilots are on a routine flight.

One is a Caucasian man with over 22 years of experience as a pilot. His co-pilot is a Iranian-American man who started the job just 2 months ago. This was the first time the two have flown together, so small talk is very little.

The white guy decides to break the ice. "So, you know anything a...

What do you and a punch bowl have in common?

You’re both full of red liquid

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Most powerful liquid in the world

One day a preacher was out watering his lawn when he spied a young boy from his church running down the road with a bottle in his hand. He stopped him and asked, “What you got there, son?”

The boy replied “Turpentine preacher! It’s the most powerful liquid in the world!”

The preacher ...

How much liquid can Monica Lewinskys mouth hold?

One U.S. Liter

The liquid inside a fire hydrant is H^2O, but the liquid on the outside is K9P.

Courtesy of schnauzers-rule.com

My favorite joke my mom told me from my childhood. - A kindergarten teachers birthday.

A kindergarten teacher is having her birthday and three of her students decided to bring her a gift.

The first students was little Timmy and his dad owned a Candy Store. Timmy walked up to his teacher and handed her a nice little gift wrapped box. The teacher thanked the student and told him...

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A Russian, a Frenchman and a German...

...go high diving at a swimming pool. They each get to wish for a liquid to jump in.

The russian goes first. He gets up the tower, of course, wishes for vodka and so he lands ina pool full of vodka.

Next up was the Frenchman. He climbed the tower, shouted "Wine!" and he jumped into t...

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A man wakes up to find a ring around his penis.

He is worried he might have a dicease, so he takes the day off of work to go to the doctor. He quickly gats dressed and hops in his car.

When he got to the the doctor, he checked in and waited patiently. After 30 minutes or so, they call his name and he goes to a room.

Soon the doctor ...

Physics student asks to go to bathroom

Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas"

An expecting father

John was always a loving husband. For years he was constantly on beck and call. He never strayed from his wife Marla and Marla adored John. For years and years John and Marla attempted to have children. They went to fertility clinics, they sought guidance from multiple specialists, and even tried al...

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

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The man knows his scotch!

A man walks into a bar and asks for 40 year old scotch whisky.

The bartender says "I'll see what I can find in the back"
He emerges from the back only a few minutes later with a glass and gives it to the man. He takes a sip and, "I asked for 40 year old whisky. This is only 12 year old."...

Why did they start using liquid soaps in prisons?

(if you thought because you can't drop it, guess again)


Because it takes longer to pick up.

Three engineers are discussing God...

They argue over what kind of engineer God would be. The first engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how the body moves with all its muscles, bones, joints, ligaments and tendons. The amount of coordination it takes to stand upright, walk and run! He's a mechanical engineer."...

I like my women like I like my coffee

I wouldn’t drink coffee, and I wouldn’t drink a woman who was ground up into a liquid.

What do Aquaman and money market investors have in common?

They prefer liquid environments.

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A nun walks into an off-licence (liquor store for you 'muricans)

"I'd like a large bottle of your best Irish whiskey, if you please," she says to the man behind the counter.

"Ah but sister," said the shopkeeper. "I can't be selling such evil liquids to you now, you being a woman of the cloth and all."

The nun looks sternly at the man and says "Don't...

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Two monks are taking a shower together.

Suddenly one of the monks notices that they forgot the soap. So he leaves the shower and runs to his room completely naked to grab some soap.

Once he's got the soap and is walking back he hears three nuns approaching.

Terrified that they might recognize him he freezes and pretends to b...

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A villager had a small penis and hated it...

One day, he decided he's had enough of his pitiful manhood and goes to see the village elder.

The elder referred him to a shaman living in the center of a village, so he went to see the shaman. When he got there, he told the shaman about his small penis.

The shaman nodded his head, and...

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of s...

A man with a wooden eye decided to try his luck at a bar.

Being insecure about his condition, he decided to have a couple drinks. After a while he sees a pretty girl with a wooden leg. With liquid courage, he walks up to her and asks if she would like do dance.
"Oh, wouldn't I! ! She exclaims.
The man immediately got red in the face, and yelled, "w...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch.

The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff. The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. “This is the cheapes...

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An atheist dies and he sees a tunnel with a light at the end.

When he approaches the light, it transforms into a door labeled 'Hell'


The atheist opens the door and is at a beautiful beach. There are people that bathe in the sun, there's a cocktail bar and the sea is endless, blue and clear.

Among all this is a person with goat legs and horns...

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A girl asked me to have sex with her

I was at the shopping mall yesterday and met this 21-year-old girl who was a laundry detergent promoter. She told me she would have sex with me if I advertised her product to all my friends and contacts.
I was sadly amazed and obviously did not accept her offer because I am much older than her an...

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The toilet at work is broken

It has two buttons, one for solid waste and one for liquid – no matter which one I push it takes both.

Veteran Wine Taster

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. He posted a sign at the entrance to the building... EXPERIENCED WINE TASTER NEEDED --POSITION STARTS IMMEDIATELY.

A retired veteran named "Ace," drunk and with a ragged dirty look a...

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Holy Shit!

The neighbors had been complaining that my dogs had been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar. When a dog barks, it shoots a blast of citronella under their nose and apparently they don't like it.

This evening I was getting the c...

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In a small convent

There was the priests side and the sisters side, and there was only one large bathroom, with several showers.

In order to not disturb the sisters, the priests went all together to take their showers around midnight. On one of those nights, at the bathroom and already naked, one of the priests...