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I have therapy for my obsession with junk food.

I'm not making much progress. My therapist said to me recently "You've fallen off the wagon, we'll have to start from scratch."

"Hang on," I replied, "Did you say wagon wheel?!"

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My Friend Asked Me If I Would Give Up Blowjobs or Junk Food

I said are you stupid that's easy, blowjobs.... They make my jaw hurt

Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house....

.....and it was delicious

Tumblr is like junk food

They're both filled with trans fat.

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I've been reading so much about the bad effects of smoking, drinking, junk food and sex that ..

I've finally decided to give up reading

Junk foods are so versatile!

A bag of Lays can be used as fuel for a fire in an emergency, you can have finger sword fights with Bugles, and now, a Cheeto has won the United States Presidential Election!

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I have been trying to lose weight so I've been keeping my junk food in the basement.

This makes it cellary.

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An inventor, Liam, builds a humanoid lie detector robot that can slap you if you lie. As with all his inventions, his family will be the first round of test subjects.

At dinner, the inventor asks his son Jimmy about his day.

"I was at Scotts, we were studying for mid-terms."

The robot suddenly springs to life, slapping the son hard upside the head.

"Ow, what the fucking shit?" Jimmy exclaims angrily.

Liam looks at his son with a bemu...

I wanted to get healthier

So, I gave up alcohol, pizza, fast food, junk food, and chocolate.

So far, I've lost 10 pounds and my will to live.

I only have two new years resolutions. One: to lose the weight I gained since the accident.

Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'

A man wakes up and realizes he can’t smell anything

He thinks it to be odd and goes about his day. He thinks to himself, “This isn’t so bad, I don’t have to smell the gross company bathroom”.

The next day he can’t taste anything. He thinks to himself, “this isn’t so bad, I can finally start eating healthier now I won’t like junk food”.
...

Doctor, how can I live 100 years?

Man: Doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?

Doctor: Well, do you smoke cigarettes or do any type of drugs?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you eat a lot of junk food?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you sleep around without using protection?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Then why...

My wife accidentally ordered way too many chicken strips for lunch

She was quite upset about, as she hates wasting food. My daughter I were quite happy to have some tasty junk food for dinner though. I said to my wife "We could do this again, I don't mind eating KFC. I hope this wasn't just a strip tease!"

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I had such a strange dream last night...

everything was reversed. Vegans were eating meat. Christians were having un-married sex. Bodybuilders were fat and eating junk food. And the weirdest of all I was getting laid.

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The secret to a long life

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed a shriveled, stooped old lady. She was sitting on her front step, contentedly smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

She said, "I smoke ten cigars a day. Be...

A very energetic old woman is approached by a middle aged man.

The middle aged man says “Ma’am, pardon me, You look so fit for a woman at this age. I’m amazed! Do you mind if you share the secret?”

The woman replied, “Oh sure, nothing special” “I’m just living the life like most people here.. I’m a night person so I rarely sleep at night.. I smoke 3 pack...

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What does a zombie call a dick?

Junk food

My love life is a lot like a protein bar

I'm typically the better option, but everyone chooses junk food instead of me

Most redittors would make excellent Presidents.

We already sleep, eat junk food, watch TV and post on social media 21 hours a day.

A woman is driving down a road when she sees...

A man who looks well over 100 years old sitting in a rocking chair in front of a house. She decides she can't let this opportunity go and she must find out the secret to his longevity so she goes up to the man and asks him to tell her about his lifestyle. The man says "I smoke 10 packs of cigarett...

"New Years resoultion"

I have been reading so many bad things lately about how all the bad things sugar and junk food could do to me, so my New Years resoultion is no more reading 😊

My friend made a joke and wants to know if it's good. Let me know what you think

There is two doctors one old and one young, and the old doctor is teaching the younger doctor about house calls, they go to the first house and the old doctors like I’ll teach you how it’s done, and he asks the woman “what’s wrong?” And the woman replies “I’ve been full and not that hungry much”. Th...

True story...

My 4 year old nephew and his family came to visit the other day. He was carrying a bag of chips and asked if I wanted some. I told him, "No, those are bad for you."

He looked at me so confused and then asked, "Why?" I told him they would make him fat and if he ever wanted to be strong he wo...

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