UPJOKE
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Rubbish Jokes

I went to the cinema to watch a film about lorries earlier and it was rubbish.

Too many trailers.

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An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.

He orders a pint and tells the landlord, "I've been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing's perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what's happening in any room in this pub."

"Oh really", says the landlord, "go ahead then".

The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceil...

My dog made a model boat. It was rubbish

But in fairness, the rope she'd tied to hold it to the dock held pretty well.

I guess her barque is worse than her bight

My neighbour hosted a party and the theme was The Matrix. My girlfriend got home when it was finished and said it was rubbish.

Looks like I dodged a bullet with that one.

My wife demanded to know why our rubbish was scattered all over the road.

I wanted to keep it a secret, but I ended up spilling the bins.

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

Atheism has a rubbish business model

It's non-prophet.

It was my birthday yesterday and I got given a rubbish thesaurus

It was rubbish

I bought Bonnie Tyler's car recently on ebay, but it's rubbish...

Every now and then it falls apart

During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"

"Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".

"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"

"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over ...

I'm taking a beginner's class in sculpture. At the moment, I admit my work is sort of rubbish.

But when I'm finished, I'm sure it will be *complete* rubbish.

Noble gas jokes are rubbish

I never get a reaction from them...

I went to a faith healing session at the local community centre last night but it was absolute rubbish.

Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out.

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

I used to work at the zoo, where my job was to circumcise Elephants.

The pay was rubbish, but the tips were huge!

My rubbish dog joke.

A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please'.
The barman says, 'Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!'
The dog replies, 'Why? Do they need electricians?'

Exchange rate is pretty rubbish at the moment…

€60 will only get you one pound… at the Dutch brothel.

Who's the leader of the rubbish army?

General Waste.

My wife and I were having an argument the other day. She started name calling and not fighting fair, so I responded with "You're rubbish in bed" among other things.

A Few Hours Later At Work, I Felt Terrible About What I Had Said, So I Called Her To Apologize And I Asked Her, "What Are You Doing?"
And She Said, "I'm In Bed."

So I Said, "What Are You Doing This Late In Bed?"
And She Said, "I am doing a survey!"

All this rubbish about R. Kelly allegedly marrying a fifteen year old are ridiculous. Everyone knows he prefers twenty nine year olds.

Mostly because there are twenty of them.

I used to be a rubbish collector.

Now I'm pretty good.

"You treat me like rubbish!" said my wife.

"No, I don't," I replied. "I actually take the rubbish out sometimes."

i have a luxury diesel mercedes and its a total piece of rubbish!

i have driven manual my entire life and i got my first automatic and my bloody last one!. i bought new, but it only works during the daytime, at night it shuts off. now look, i put the automatic into d mode during the day, it works fine, but then at night it goes into n mode and won't move.

I asked the local homeless guy what he thought of the rubbish collectors in this city.

He said, "They leave a lot to be desired."

The difference between ironman and iron woman is....

One is a super hero, the other is a command.

And this type of rubbish joke is why my wife left me and the only comfort I have is reddit....I'm the real joke here.

I made a post about radio head being rubbish and I was downvoted into oblivion.

The karma police came for me

My dad used to say "when one door closes another one opens"

He's a great man... Rubbish cabinet maker though.

It's a lot of rubbish when people talk about "how good" modern kids are these days with technology.

My grandson is staying for the weekend, and he looks absolutely clueless with my VCR and VHS tapes.

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back.

"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.
"I'm a snail." The bloke replied.
"What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?"
"That's not a any girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle".

I told my girlfriend that she was rubbish in the cowgirl position.

"If you're going to insult me, I'll just pack my bags and leave. How does that sound to you?" she yelled.

"Honey," I said. "You can run, but you can't ride."

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Some say if you can guess the punchline of a joke by the title on Reddit before clicking on it - that it's a rubbish joke...

Tits

Just found a carrier bag with an England rugby shirt in the rubbish bin,

can't believe someone would throw that away! Worth 5p that!

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I went to the zoo yesterday, but it was rubbish. All they had was one dog.

It was a shitzu.

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The wheelie bin man

So the rubbish bin man is making his daily rounds and notices that one house has not put the rubbish bin outside.

He rings the bell of the house, and hears, from inside, the sound of a toilet flushing and some hurried steps towards the door.

The door opens and a Japanese gentleman step...

Did you hear about the refuse collector in Pakistan who died after carrying too much rubbish?

He was Bin Laden.

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Man goes on holiday to Italy

A guy walks into a barbershop and sits in the chair.

The barber asks, “Are you going anywhere on holiday this year?”

Guy replies, “Yes actually, my wife and I are going to Italy.”

Barber says, “Why you going there? It’s rubbish!”

Guy says, “Well, the weather is supposed t...

Apparently adding herbs to your garbage can makes it smell better.

But I don't have thyme for that rubbish.

I was at the bus stop the other day when I saw a man with only one leg

I looked at his one leg, and I looked at my two. I looked back at his one leg and I thought, he must be rubbish at tabletennis

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"Will I be ok doc?"

"I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."

"I don't believe in that astrology rubbish."

"Nor do I !! My thermometer just broke."

What's got four wheels, no wings, and flies?

A rubbish truck.

The Rabbit's Thesis

Story :

Scene: It's a fine, sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.

Fox: "What are you working on?"

Rabbit:"My thesis."

Fox:"Hmm. What is it about?"

Rabbit:"Oh, I'm wri...

The other day I was travelling down one of those spiral type car parks. As I set off, on the top floor, I spotted someone smashing a car window and attempting to steal the radio. On the 2nd floor I saw a youth key right down the side of another car.

On the bottom floor, I saw a couple throw a load of rubbish out of their car window....I couldn't believe my eyes.


It was just wrong on so many levels!

Played Frisbee with my Dog the other day

He was rubbish.

I need a flatter Dog.

People say my pub jokes are rubbish

But back when I was serving drinks at the local bar, I could give a decent comedian a rum for his money.

Trash/rubbish bags and condoms are basically the same thing.

You fill them with your junk and they always seem to break and spill everywhere when carrying a big load

My friend asked me to bet all my money on a horse called 'Landfill.'

Turned out to be a rubbish tip.

Belgian Waffle

Today I made a Belgian Waffle, and a Frenchman talk rubbish.

A man and his wife go on holiday and find a hotel for the night

When they find one, the manager says they're welcome to stay there but it costs £100 each for the night.

That's a bit outside their budget so they politely turn it down and ask if there's anywhere cheaper in the area.

The manager says "Yes, in fact there is a hotel just up the road and...

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Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia...

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Fosters beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pour...

Knock knock. Who's there? Gwen. Gwen who?

Gwen find another joke, this one's rubbish.

I was in the betting shop

and my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named 'Landfill'. Turns out it was a rubbish tip.

More for the British audience...

Anyone betting on the Grand National today, ignore the pundits telling you to bet on Landfill, trust me, its a rubbish tip.

70 ways to cheer a person up

Person 1: I've had a rubbish day

Person 2: Well, it's your lucky day, because I have 70 ways to cheer you up!!

Person 2: Number 1, Give you a big hug.

Person 1: And the others?

Person: 69!

I went to a child psychologist once.

He was rubbish. He was only seven.

One day while walking down the street, a highly successful executive was tragically hit by a bus and died.

Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure...

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the worst job

a group of friends were chatting about how their careers had all gone downhill.

the first one used to be a model but now drove a garbage truck. "it's pretty rubbish", she said.
"well i work at the tip, and it stinks", said the next.

the third friend worked at the sewage plant. "my...

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Szechuan STD

Guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I've been having a bit of trouble urinating and it's getting sore, more sore every day."

Doctor told him to undress and lie on the bench. So he did, and the doctor came back, examined him and shook his head. "You been to China recently?"

"Well, y...

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Im so smart for thinking of this

One guy says to another: Hey, did you know, there's a Middle Eastern country on the Mediterranean Sea, and it’s regarded by Jews, Christians and Muslims as the biblical Holy Land!


The other guy says: I don't believe you, you're talking rubbish.


So the first guy says: No, it isr...

I got a Bonnie Tyler GPS

It's rubbish.
It keeps telling me to turn around.
And every now and then it falls apart.

If self-depreciation was a sport...

I'd probably be pretty rubbish at that too.

Doesn't matter how lit you are...

Rubbish is litter.

My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will. When I took them to be valued I was told they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius

Sadly, they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.

People often tell me I have no willpower or self-control

Rubbish I say. I've quit smoking loads of times

A rabbit says to a fox, "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes"

"Come on, you know that's impossible! No one will publish such rubbish." says the fox

"Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while, the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.

Then comes a wolf. "Hello, what are we doin...

I went round MC Hammer's house the other day.

It was rubbish!!

He wouldn't let me touch anything.

A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office

to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.

"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,

"Ten?" says the welfare worker. "What are their names?"

"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan,Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan" replies the...

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An Englishman, an American, a Frenchman and an Australian are drinking in a bar.

The Englishman starts bragging and says that last night i was having sex with my wife and when she came her hips raised 2inches off the bed.

The American says that's nothing. Last night while going down on my wife she came so hard her hips raised 10inches off the bed.

The Frenchman ...

A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.

"What are you supposed to be, then?" the confused host asks.

"I'm a turtle," the man replies.

"What a load of rubbish!" the host says. "How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"

"Oh her?" the man smiles. "That's just Michelle!"

I've been reading the thesaurus lately

Because the mind is a terrible thing to garbage.


Sorry I know this joke is rubbish

I spent ages trying to think of a decent bin pun.

Turns out, they were all rubbish

I tried my hand at being a professional scarecrow for a short while...

The pay was rubbish, even though I was out standing in my field.

Elephant circumcision...

...The pay's rubbish but the tips are enormous.

Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

"That is him." I said to my wife in the shopping centre.

"That's Kenny Baker, the actor who played R2D2 in Star Wars."

"Are you sure?" she asked. "It doesn't look like him, go on over and ask."

A couple of minutes later I walked back over to her. "Well, what did he say?"

"Nothing." I said. "It's a rubbish bin."

I was taking a management course once and was asked if I'm any good at delegating.

"No," I responded, "I'm rubbish. I usually get someone else to do it for me."

\**borrowed and modified from someone's comment in /r/Britishproblems*

I took my orchestra onto a train one day

The conductor was rubbish

One mans trash...

"One man's rubbish is another man's treasure" is a fantastic Idiom.

But it's a horrible way to tell your kid that he's adopted.

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The Top 10 Edinburgh Fringe Festival Jokes

Here are the Top 10 2017 Edinburgh Fringe Festival Jokes!

1. “I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.” Ken Cheng


2. “Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” Frankie Boyle


3. “I’ve given up asking rhetorical q...

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries, the cashier said...

the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."


Making a mental note to complain to my local MP about this running amok,over-enthusiastic security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed....
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referrin...

The first time I got up close and personal with a girl was round the back by the school bins.

In hindsight, I wish I hadn't looked into that rubbish bag.

People say girls like men with 6 packs, ripped and able to lift them up.

Well I have more than 6 packs of rubbish, ripped jeans and can lift bags full of trash across the street without sweat.

Call me up.

Why are horse-drawn carriages so unpopular?

'Cause horses are rubbish at drawing

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The youth of today

A little old man is sitting on a park bench one hot, summer afternoon when a young lad (around 15 years old) walks up and sits down to the old man. The young lad then opened a can of lager and lit up a cigerette, the old man was clearly disgusted with this and said "That stuff will kill you, you've...

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When the kid graduated from high school...

his father told him he was going to be a paratrooper.
"Dad", he said, "I don't want to jump out of airplanes."
"Rubbish", his dad said, "I was a paratrooper. My father, your grandfather, was a paratrooper. And you'll be a paratrooper. Don't worry, they'll teach you all you need to know."
S...

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Wheelie bin

In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."


A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out.

In the spirit of kindness a...

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3 Nuns [Long]

Three nuns were kicking around the convent one day, doing nun things such as praising the lord and disapproving of pop music when one nun said

"RIGHT. I'm sick of being a nun, I want to quit" the other two nuns agreed, being a nun is rubbish, and skipped off singing to Mother Superiors offic...

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Mr. Tilley is running a Christian book store in a strip mall. [Long]

And business is good. The community has been growing, both in economy and spirit, with community centers and parks, factories and research laboratories. A true mecca of modern civilization. Mr. Tilley knows everyone in town, and everyone knows him. When anyone sees him, they smile, wave, and say "Bl...

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So I was smoking while on balcony. Couldn't find an ashtray, threw the butt off the window.

A little boy (maybe 10 or so) was playing down there, and cigarette landed right before his feet. So he looks up directly at me and says:
-You shouldn't throw rubbish out of your window, that's bad. If everyone stops doing that, we would live in so much better place!

That made me feel un...

Grandma has golfers by the balls..

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic rubbish bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £ 20 note fell out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Madam, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."...

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The Leprechaun Joke

A man went to a pub on St. Patrick's Day to have some drinks with his mates. After a while, the man needed to relieve himself, so he went to use the restroom.

The restroom was quite small and only had two urinals, one of which was being used by what appeared to be a little person. The man beg...

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