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Junkie Jokes

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I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.

Did you hear the one about the sleepy junkie?

He’s an oxymoron

What do junkies and adulterers in the Middle East have in common?

They both get stoned.

The junkie tried but couldn't quit

All of his efforts were in vein

A junkie broke into the local linguistics department

They were looking for morpheme

I saw on this girl's dating profile that she's a "health and fitness junkie." So that's cool...

We've got one of those three things in common.

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What's the difference between a tweeker and a junkie?

They'll both steal your shit, but the tweeker will help you look for it.

A junkie walks into a bar.

SMACK!

One in our friend group is supposed to be a dyslexic junkie.

Needles to say it's not me.

Why did the junkie buy a bidet?

He wanted to shoot crack

What did the Power Ranger say after becoming a Junkie?

Its Morphine time

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Just saw a junkie at Wal-Mart put his whole dick in a tube of Planter's Cashews

Dude was fucking nuts.

What do you call a sad junkie with a lisp?

Metherable

Where does the junkie duck live?

At the quack-house.

What do you call two junkies trying to split a bag?

Crystal Math

What's a junkie's favorite videogame?

Need for Speed.

Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?

So he could get crow cane from his vet

A junkie told me a joke the other day

It cracked me up

What did the Italian junkie say?

Giovanni Change

What is 5 times 5 junkies?

Crystal Math

Why did the junkie keep accidentally calling his dealer?

Because he had him on speed dial.

What did the self-contradicting junkie say to the other?

It's an Oxy, moron.

Did you hear about the junkie who beat up a nun?

He kicked the habit.

I'm an adrenaline junkie and an agoraphobic.

I talked to the mailman through the door once, that was a rush delivered.

So someone asks a junkie..

Do you still use heroin?

Well.. On the one hand yes, on the other hand no.

What do an internet junkie on dialup and an F18 pilot have in common?

Both break out in cold sweat when their screen show NO CARRIER.

What did the demonic junkie get charged with?

Two counts of possession

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What does a junkie use for protection during sex?

a bus shelter

Why Do Adrenaline Junkies Go Camping

Because it's in tents.

How do you find a needle in a hay stack?

Lock a junkie in the barn

Did you hear the one about the homeopathic junkie?

Unfortunately, he died of an underdose.

What do you call a fat drug addict?

Chunky junkie!

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A monkey is smoking a joint.. (NFSW)

A monkey is smoking a joint when rabbit arrives and says: “ Come on monkey leave the joint and go for run with me, its healthier...”

A monkey thinks about it and says: “You are right, lets go!”

They both start running and after a while they see a zebra preparing some hash.

Rabb...

What does a junkie have in common with a quiet kid?

Shooting up

Did you hear about the two junkies that fell in love?

They tied the knot.

What did Velma say to Scooby at the haunted methadone clinic?

"Junkies!"

I grew up in a rough neighbourhood...

And my mom would constantly yell at the top of her lungs “get back inside boy, there’s a goddamn junkie heading this way!”

Now that I’m an adult she yells “get back inside you goddam junkie there’s a boy heading this way!”

What goes “quack, quack, quack?”

A junkie with a speech impediment

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What's the difference between a drug dealer and a homosexual?

One's crack is in a junkie and the other's junk is in a crack.

My girlfriend keeps joking she’s addicted to chocolate.

She eats it every chance she gets. I finally got so fed up that I took her downtown to see a homeless junkie. I pointed at him and said, “Now that, see that? Why can’t you be that skinny?”

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

Joe, you're not going to believe what I just saw.

A fitness junkie buys a new bike and takes it for a long ride on a stretch of road going over many hills. On his way home he finds he is to exhausted to continue, and rests on the side of the road. After an hour a Lamborghini Veneno pulls up and the young man driving offers him a ride. After realizi...

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The 3 ex drug addicts

So 3 ex drug addicts (let's call them Jim, Mike and Bill) volunteered for a week to try to convince as many junkies as possible to ask for help to fight their addiction. They were given by the local authorities 2 photos, one showing a small circle and one showing a big circle and they were told to u...

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