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Waste Jokes

A man was dumping toxic waste into a river.

Suddenly, the sky darkened, lightning flashed, and a glowing woman appeared, hovering above the river.

**"For your crimes, I curse you to only speak in words related to water!",** she intoned, and then vanished in another flash of lightning.

The man stood, shocked, before gathering his...

Waste of time (machine)

(To waste your time)

(I invented a Time Machine)

(At last)

(I did it)

(Heres the thing:)

(Which you are doing.)

(If you travel back in time)

(You’ll understand)

There were three nurses in a morgue... They entered a room where they had discovered that there was a dead man laying on the bed with a hard-on. The first nurse was very forward and said, "Wow! I have never seen that before, I can't let that go to waste".

After saying this the first nurse sat and rode it.
The 2nd nurse did the same.
The third nurse explained that she couldn't as she was on her period.
After a bit of convincing she eventually rode it.
After 3 minutes the man woke up.
The Nurses said, "What the hell... You were dead a fe...

Why did the nuclear waste worker enter the beauty pageant?

Because he was glowing.

Orion's belt is a huge waste of space.

Terrible joke, only three stars.

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To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

Why did Saskatchewan get all the nuclear waste and Ontario is full of lawyers?

Saskatchewan got to pick first.

Why did Washington, D.C. get all the lawyers and New Jersey get all the toxic waste dumps?

New Jersey had the first pick.

Wasted

A woman's husband comes home wasted every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone. One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub. "It's g...

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Two wasted guys walk into a brothel...

The seasoned madam sees the wasted men and tells her girls, "These fellas are hammered! Put them in the rooms with blow-up dolls. They'll never notice the difference due to their intoxication."

The girls do as instructed and escort the men into their room. A few minutes pass, the men finish u...

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

Grandpa: Your generation wastes too much in therapy!

Millennial: Don't worry, we just make up for the therapy your generation missed.

Why is it a waste to study history?

Because there is no future in it.

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I work at a waste water plant.

And let me tell you, I've seen some shit.

I wasted my life

I fear I've wasted my life. I spent years and years learning Latin, Spanish, Mandarin, and Swahili but it turns out I just misheard my uncle when I though he told me "girls love a cunning linguist".

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

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You've wasted your time explaining sex to me

I still don't get it.

What do you waste when you overthink?

Thoughts

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The Canadian

A Canadian a Russian and a French guys are all armed with pistols and sitting around a camp fire.
The Russian pulls out a full bottle of Vodka, opens it and drinks about a quarter of it. He then throws it up into the air, draws his gun and shoot it.

The Canadian yells WTF?

The Russ...

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Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.

"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"

"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."

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Don't waste your time

If you are arguing with your sex partner then you are wasting your fucking time.

Never invest in Waste Management companies

All of those companies are trash

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I always feel bad for the kids in africa when I waste water..

And when I leave the oven on, I feel bad for the jews.

You know what was the biggest waste of money in 2020?

I renewed my passport

I thought chiropractors were a waste of money

But I stand corrected.

A man wastes 5 years of his life on Reddit...

It’s me. I’m the joke.

I came up with a joke on Tinder. It was wasted on her.

Frodo, Sam, Pippen and Merry went to Kay's Jewellers. Frodo said to the jeweler: "We are all getting married this weekend, and we shall need 4 wedding bands!". The jeweler responded, "I'm sorry, we are almost completely sold out. The best I can offer is one ring to woo them all."

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Guy at the bar is so wasted that he throws up on his shirt...

He looks down and says "Man, my wife is gonna be so pissed I puked on myself again"

Guy next to him says "Do what I do, I put 10 dollars in my pocket and when my wife sees me, I tell her some asshole at the bar puked on my and gave me the 10 dollars to have it cleaned"

The drunk guy th...

I don't like people who waste my time.

Damn clock suckers.

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My principal wanted to suspend me because I showed up to school wasted

...but he didn't when he realized I can't hang

I heard China recently banned plastic waste

They better not let Kim Kardashian in this week.

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me :i dont like capitalization in words, it's a waste of time

Teacher:Its important for one really good reason, because it's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.

Every day I go down to the harbour and throw fish to a baby dolphin. My friends say it's a waste of time.

But at least I'm serving a youthful porpoise.

My mom told me the plastic waste was full

I didn't know she watches Keeping up with The Kardshians

I feel like my purchase of a vacuum cleaner was a waste of money

Ever since I bought all it's done is collected dust

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Most important body part..

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who is in charge.

Brain said "I should be incharge because I run all the body's systems. So without me, nothing would happen"

Blood said "I should be incharge because I circulate oxygen all over the body. Without me y...

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I wasted a lot of time training.

When I learned that cockfighting is done with Chickens. That’s 12 months I’m not getting back.

So old Jed is screwing his goat when a neighbor witnesses this unspeakable act of bestiality.

The neighbor calls the cops, and Jed is arrested. Jed goes to a lawyer, explains the case, and the lawyer says, "I can defend you for $5,000."

"What's the point?" says Jed. "My neighbor witnessed the whole thing. Why should I waste $5,000? They're gonna find me guilty for sure."

"Don...

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I work at a factory that turns organic waste into fence parts.

All I do for eight hours a day is make shit posts.

Garbage can

An old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came dow...

Don't waste toilet paper.

Use both sides.

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Life's short; don't waste time with superfluous sayings like "prematurely ejaculate"

Instead, try "ejacuearly"

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Imagine being a vampire and having a zero-waste mother

She'd have you suck on tampons.

Last nights party was wild. I got totally wasted then jumped in my Uber

Imagine the look on the faces of my passengers while I checked the route.

I said “I love you” to my cake.

It burst into tiers.

Edit: rip my inbox!

Edit 2: so many awards but no gold? I dare you to gild me. Go ahead, make my day!

Edit 3: Guys I was being sarcastic and referencing the movie Sudden Impact (cries in being old). Whoever gilded me just wasted their coins but still, thanks...

What do you call an award that wastes away?

Atrophy

"A mind is a terrible thing to waste."

A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.

Hey guys, I’m looking to hire a group of people to move toxic waste from a nearby nuclear reactor.

I’m not gonna pay anyone but I’m sure you’ll get plenty of exposure.

Seven years of medical training wasted!

After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.

He slept with a client and can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.

He'd a genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

A new air filtration system has probably been the biggest waste of money I've had.

It just sits there and collects dust.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...

All-u-can-eat seafood buffets are such a waste.

They’re total overkrill.

Some say youth is wasted on the young, I say wealth is wasted on the old.

Also Oxycontin.

Too much wasted sperm...

Men make millions of sperm every day, but women can only make use of one or two for a couple days of each month. The only logical remedy for this is to take on multiple wives. This is the most logical call to Mormonism.

Why fart and waste it?

When you can burp and taste it.

A man once advised me to not waste electricity. "Using more power results in more electricity bills"

I told myself,



***Watt good advice***

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash...

... Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:


"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to th...

How much time per day so you waste on Facebook?

2 hours.

How much time per day do you spend on Facebook?

I just told you 2 hours.

So you admit 100% of your Facebook time is wasted.

Having both a shower and toilet is a waste

Why have both when I can easily drink from the toilet?

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Hobo is looking for food in waste containers near MIT campus...

...and suddenly sees a nude drunk young woman sleeping in one of the containers. He wakes her up and asks her:

"What is the second law of thermodynamics?"

Before falling back asleep girl looks at him with dull gaze and answers:

"T... total entropy of an isolated system can never...

I quit my job at the radioactive waste treatment plant.

It had a toxic work environment.

If this isn't in a movie in the next two years then this year has been a waste!

Setting: Our hero, tied to a chair in a laboratory.
Evil torturer: "So you won't talk, eh?"
Our hero: "You will never make me talk."
ET: "Even if I force you to wear this?" (Whips around. Our hero sees he has a face mask in his hand.)
OH: "No not that! Anything but that. I will tell all....

My flatmates said I wasted my money buying a kilo of pasta..

..but I say it was worth every penne.

What do you get when you combine an excess of waste and recycling?

r/jokes

I came here to write jokes and waste your time

But I'm out of jokes, so I'll just waste your time

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A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

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It's a waste of time asking me about my sexuality...

You'd never get a straight answer.

I’ve been informed that jokes about acids are a waste of time.

They say that basic jokes have a higher potential.

What did the policeman say to the missing waste collector?

Where you bin man?

What's the difference between an anti-vaxxer and a barrel of radioactive waste?

Nothing. They should both be locked up and labelled "dangerous substance"

If you don't eat that, it will go to waste.

If you *do* eat it, it will go to waist.

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

I feel sorry for the wasted sperm

Some of them turn out stupid, run for President and win.

What's the best response when someone wastes your time?

Answers below please....

What do sad people drink when they want to get wasted?

A Despairados.

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A tourist in Mexico goes into a bar to get wasted

It’s his last week on vacation and one of the things on his bucket list to do is basically to drink until he is completely wasted. As the night prolongs, he notices little by little the bar begins to empty. The bartender in his best English that he can muster says to him, “Señor, I think you should ...

People say that I always waste my time in front of the computer

Never seen them since

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

What do you call a sea creature that doesn't waste time?

A-fish-in-sea

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
<...

Toys R Us black friday deals suck this year, don't waste your time...

...travel equipment.

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After i waste my first wish from the genie i decide to do something great...

Genie: you have 2 wishes left

Me: I wish the letter G was the letter P instead

Penie: and your final wish?

Me: I wish the e at the end of every word was an s instead.

Penis:

Ms: nics.

Don't waste your money on drinking, spend money to travel the world...

..and drink while travelling

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The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when i bi...

As i see a homeless man asking for some money and i wonder, should i really let money get wasted on drugs?...

Nah i better give them to this homeless guy

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

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