What did the American say to the guy next to him at the public loo in Paris?

European

Little Johnny took a leak with his classmate in the school loo.

His classmate noticed that after peeing, Johnny didn't wash his hands. He then proceeded to ask:

"Johnny, why do you not wash your hands after peeing?"

"Is there a need to do so?"

"Yes! My mum taught me to wash after peeing, to wash off pee in my hands."

"Well, I ...

What do you call a Pterodactyl after if it visits the loo?

A terodactyl.

I hate it when my finger goes through the loo roll when I’m wiping

It’s by far the worst part of my job at the care home!

62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital "Loo-uh-vul", while 38% say "Loo-ee-ville".

Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.

If you're in the UK, you go poo in the loo. So what do you do in the bathroom in Miami?

Cocaine

You're probably Ghana think"no one will Bolivia. There's just Norway."

I thought I Kuwait but then I Saudi Turkey, Iraq of ribs and a Canada best sauce and my Bahrain was like Oman, I Israel Hungary... so Iran to the kitchen to put Greece in the pan.

I hoped it could get Finnish quickly and because I was Russian, I didn't Czech the label and accidentally added ...

What do you tell someone who gets lucky in the loo?

_Urine_ luck

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I needed the loo, and only a wishing well was in sight.

Well. Shit.

Never pour cereal down the loo.

It Kellogg's up your toilet.

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An American & Ukrainian at a public loo.

The American pulls out his massive cock and declares:Buffalo Bill.

The Ukrainian pulls out three enormous cocks and says:Chernobyl.

(Old but gold.)

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A man walks into a bar

and seats himself at the bar and spots a big jug full of money behind the bar on the shelf with a note on it " Ask the bartender"

So the guy ask the bartender " What's with the jug full of money?"

Bartender says" well it's a series of challenges. First you have to do 10 shots of this...

‌‌A m‌‌a‌‌n i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g r‌‌elease‌‌d f‌‌ro‌‌m a‌‌‌‌ U‌‌‌‌S h‌‌ospital.

A‌‌s h‌‌‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g e‌‌scorte‌‌d o‌‌u‌‌t b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ n‌‌urse‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e p‌‌asse‌‌s b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ p‌‌atient’‌‌s r‌‌oo‌‌m w‌‌it‌‌h t‌‌h‌‌e d‌‌oo‌‌r o‌‌pe‌‌n a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ee‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌al‌‌e p‌‌atien‌‌t i‌‌‌‌s m‌‌asturbatin‌‌g f‌‌uriously‌‌. C‌‌onfused‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e t‌‌urn‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌h‌...

My girlfriend came up with this one and wanted me to share with you guys. What do you call heavens toilet?

Halle-LOO-yah

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A man is at a bar in London around 1985, having a drink with a girl.

He really wants to impress her. He looks over to another table and sees none other than Freddie Mercury!

“Oh my god!” Says his date, “I love him! Let’s get an autograph!”

“Nah”, the man replied, “he’s a bit of a knob”

“You know him?” his date asked incredulously

“Oh, yea...

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Sat on the loo earlier and the fire alarm went off.

Scared the crap out of me

Train ride to the conference [long]

So there's a big mathematical physics conference in London, and all the grad students from the University of Leeds maths (UKism for math) and physics departments all travel down to attend.

The physicists all queue up and get their tickets. The maths students buy one ticket between them. T...

A friend asked me if I felt especially blessed to have the privilege of cleaning out Catwoman's toilet...

"Halle loo, yeah!"

Two Canadians in Kentucky

So these two Canadians are driving into Louisville, Kentucky and are arguing about how to pronounce the name of the city.

“Its pronounced Lou-is-vill…obviously” The oilman from Alberta says

“No, you see, it is French! It is pronounced Loo-ie-vee!” The guy from Quebec retorts.

Th...

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A priest walks into a pub

A priest walks into a pub and orders a pint of Guinness. "There you go," says the barman." but I warn you we don't tolerate any religious conversation in this pub." "Far be it from me," replies the priest. "In fact, I bet you a drink that you mention religion before I do." "You're on," says the barm...

Patrick O’Leary passed away at his job at the brewery.

His workmates realized that they would have to be the ones to inform his widow of his passing.

They trooped over to Patrick’s cottage at the end of their shift and solemnly gathered in a semicircle before the door. The foreman politely knocked. Mrs. O’Leary opened it, and looked at the assemb...

Ticket please

Three engineers and three accountants are in the queue to buy a train ticket.

The three accountants buy a ticket each; three in all. The engineers, however, buy one ticket between them.

“How are you…?” ask the accountants.
“We know what to do,” reply the engineers.

And all si...

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason...

and are sentenced to beheading by guillotine.

On the day of the triple execution, they are brought to be beheaded. The priest blesses the execution, saying all is done in God's name, and the King orders the three executed.

The mathematician is to be killed first, and the executioner gi...

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I tried to use the army toilets, but one of the officers stopped me and said, "It'll cost you $10 to go in there."

What am I? A fucking loo tenant?

What do you call a soldier who lives in a toilet?

A loo tenant

Engineers take a bow!

During the development of a new jet fighter aircraft the wings on the prototypes kept snapping off where they joined the fuselage. The test-pilots who only barely survived by ejecting in time were terrified. No amount of re-design seem to solve the problem, so the aircraft company in desperation off...

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Scottish Flirting

A couple went out to the pub in Scotland for a few drinks. The boyfriend went to the loo, leaving his girlfriend alone at the bar.

A sauced fellow approaches her at the bar. "Wow," he says in his thick accent, "you're so beautiful! If yous was my girlfriend, I'd kiss ye all over!"

The ...

Why are all boats issued with rubber toilet seats?

Because loo slips sink ships.

[Long] Since you guys liked the last one, here's another joke from my country

In a far away kingdom, the king got married to a beautiful wife. After being married to her for a year, the king started to worry that his beautiful wife might be sleeping around.

So he got a blacksmith to build a device to fit in her ladyparts which will dice anything that goes in. He manag...

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a cleaner knocks on the door of a hotel room

, after waiting awhile an Asian man answers the door. Cleaner says "Hey mate, where's ur bin?" The man replies "I bin on the loo" the cleaner says "no, where's ur dust bin" to which he replies "I dust bin on the loo" cleaner gets a bit annoyed "NO, where's ur wheelie bin" Asian man says "ok, I wheel...

What kind of Bathrooms do Eskimos use?

IgLoos

New bathroom

I was shopping for a new bathroom this week, and was shown an amazing toilet that plays ABBA songs when you flush it.

What a loo.

My first wife was a Brit. I loved her accent and the different words she had for things.

She called the bathroom the "loo." She called the pharmacy the "chemist." But my favorite was the "post." It was a noun and a verb. The mail I brought home was called the "post," and when she wanted me to mail something, I was "posting" it.

We were not wealthy by any means, but after we had b...

What is an ig?

A snow house without a loo.

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Two mathematicians and two physicists take a train to a science symposium

On the ride there just before their tickets are checked the mathmaticians go to the loo and hide together in one cubicle. When asked to present their tickets they slide one under the booth door.

The physicists are stumped, but smart as they are they use the same trick on the return journey. W...

The police are looking for a stole toilet from the police station.

At the moment they have nothing to go on.

What do you call a veteran who sleeps in a bathroom stall?

A loo-tenant.

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Guy looking for a job

A guy who stutter was looking for a job, he went in to a bookstore and asked for the bookshop owner. 

"Hi! I'm loo, looking for a j, j, job, he said" 

The bookshop owner answered by telling him his not looking for some one to hire at this moment.

The guy said "Please I'm a goo, ...

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A gent, badly in need of the toilet was on an international flight to Japan..

All of the bathrooms were engaged, bar for the ladies' loo in first class.

The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but warned him that this was a Japanese toilet and cautioned him against using any of the buttons on it.

Having ta...

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An Irishman goes into a bar...

After downing several pints, he heads to the loo to take a huge piss.

At the urinal next to him, there's a really short guy, wearing all green, with a top hat and a pipe. He takes a quick peek and sees the short guy has a huge dick.

Irish guy is drunk and decides to say, "I'd do anyth...

I went to a Abba themed bar last night

The toilet was like a maze

What a loo couldn't escape if I wanted to

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A Girl's Prayer

Lord, before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, won't wait weeks.
I pray that he be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his ...

Where does Vin go after eating a really hot curry?

Da loo.

The CEO of Ryanair, walks into a pub...

Michael O'Leary, the CEO of Ryanair, walks into a pub.
The he says to the bartender "Can I have a pint of beer?"
The bartender says "Certainly, that'll be €0.50"
He responds with "50 cents? That's wonderfully cheap!"
But then the bartender tells him "And it'll be €1 for the glass, €3 if ...

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A man was in hospital for a series of tests.

The last of which left his digestive system slightly worse for wear. upon making several false alarm trips to the loo, he figured that he might as well stay put. Suddenly, however, he shat in his bed and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped...

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A couple are in the pub...

The lady and the gentleman are sitting at their table having a quiet drink together and after a while the gentleman gets up to pop to the loo.


While he's away, this leery, smelly, big, hairy bloke wanders over to the lady. He leans over, whispers in her ear and then returns to his seat at...

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The outspoken child

A woman and her son were in the doctors surgery one day when her son leapt out of his chair and shouted: "MOM! I want to go for a piss!". Embarrassed she quickly took her son to the toilet and helped relieve him.
The next day at the supermarket the same thing happened. The boy screamed to go for...

I found a satanic puzzle in the toilet today.

It was a loo cipher

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