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Jonah Jokes

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What did Jonah say to the Japanese man?

"Thanks for the rescue."

A Whale Tale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. At one point in the discussion, the teacher remarked that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow an entire human being because, even though the whale was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
"But the whale swallowed Jo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl was drawing a picture of Jonah inside the whale in class...

Her teacher asked her "What's that?"

"It's Jonah inside the belly of the whale from the Bible." She replied

The teacher, an atheist, told her "You know that didn't really happen."

She kept drawing "When I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah."

"What if he's not in heaven? Th...

You should all be ashamed of making fun of Jonah Hill.

The guy’s been through thick and thin.

God asked Jonah what he was doing traveling inside a whale.

"Nineveh business, God "

A man sits next to a young girl on an airplane. She’s reading her Bible…

Man: What are you reading about?

Girl: The story of Jonah getting eaten by a whale

Man: You can’t seriously believe he was actually eaten by a whale and lived…

Girl: I do.

Man: How can you know

Girl: I’ll know once I get to heaven and ask him

Man: What if h...

When I’m feeling down my friend keeps saying ‘Cheer up, you could be stuck in a big fish, like Jonah!’

I know he means whale.

There was a baby orca that had washed onto land after a huge tidal wave.

When the water receded, the orca found himself out of the water on the beach. A young man happened along and saw the orca struggling along. He always wanted a pet, so he scooped him up in a wagon and took him home; depositing him into his family's well.


This strange upbringing made the b...

What's the difference between Jonah's wife and a whale?

One of them swallows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's 3 guys lost in the jungle. . .

lets say these 3 guys are Channing Tatum, Jonah Hill & Justin Bieber. They wander for a good while and are eventually captured by cannibals. Upon being captured their hands are tied and black bags are placed over their heads then dragged back to the cannibal's village.
Once they are all there...

A blonde takes part in a game show

[Disclaimer: I don't know whether this counts as a joke, if not please tell me which subreddit would be suitable, 'cause it's actually a pretty fun "story"]

First question: how long did the Hundred Years War last?

a) 99 years

b) 116 years

c) 100 years

d) 150 years<...

A kindergarten teacher was telling her students about different kinds of animals.

"Whales are the largest" she said, "but they can't swallow people, because their throats are too small."
"But in the Bible, it says that Jonah was swallowed by a whale", said a little girl. "You can't always believe what you read", the teacher replied. "Well, when I go to heaven", said the little...

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A teacher is trying to teach her students that whales can’t swallow human beings.

One of the students raises his hand and says, “But wait, wasn’t Jonah swallowed by a whale?”

“No,” the teacher replies. “It’s impossible.”

The student whips out his phone and finds the story online, showing it to the class.

“Yeah, see,” he says. “Jonah WAS swallowed by a whale!”...

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A partisan joke for election day

Jacob, Jonah, and John aren't getting along very well in Heaven, and one day God gets tired of it and kicks them out. "I'm sick of you guys bickering. You don't appreciate the gifts I gave you. I want you guys to do something amazing. Work together and do something for the record books! As soon...

The Whale was uneasy.

"I'm afraid Jonah is not satisfied with his accommodations" said the whale.

"What gave you that idea?" queried the octopus.

"Oh, I have inside information" said the whale.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying.

But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.

One time she was sitting next to a man.

When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After a while, he turned to her and as...

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