You walk into a restroom American, you walk back out of the restroom American, but while you're in the restroom...

European

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In America we call it "restroom" but in Britain they call it "toilet"

It's the same shit though

A Nun walks into Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room...

I tried to use a public restroom today, but there was a waiting line

There was a bathroom stall for the bathroom stall

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My friend regularly takes anti-diarrhea pills and claims it increases his work productivity, due to reduced trips to the restroom daily.

I think he's full of shit.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the restroom?

Because they’ve been dead for millions of years.

In a a gents restroom, a man is sitting in a stall doing his business.

Suddenly the man in the next stall starts a conversation:

"Hello there!"

"Umm... Hello"

"How are you?"

"I'm uhh..fine... How about yourself?"

"I'm doing great. What are your doing right now?"

"Uhhhh..... Nothing much.... Just sitting here...."

"Shall ...

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A gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed t...

American Tourist

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of beer.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very hi...

What do you call the numbers on the door to the restroom near IT?

The IPee address

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Bob goes into a public restroom...

...and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.

As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob say...

I walked into a public restroom today, and there were two guys in there with syringes in their arms.

They must have been vaccinating themselves.

Respect.

Did you know trading in foreign currencies is like going to the restroom?

This morning when I closed my position, I'd lost five pounds.

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The woodland critters decide to open a public restroom...

They all participate as best they can to build it, and Owl, the mayor of the woods gives it to the public. The next day as Owl is taking a stroll, he notices that one of the windows is smashed.

He calls an urgent meeting where all the animals gather together.

\- I am sorry for this bot...

Just A Man Shopping With His Wife

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the follow...

After early voting today, I stopped off in the men's restroom...

Some pervert stood right next to me at the stall and was eyeballing my junk!

It's ok though, he said he was an OFFICIAL pole watcher.

It is never ok to ask a woman why she is taking her purse to the restroom

Period

Where does Thor go to use the restroom?

Bowelhalla.

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A sailor and an airman were in a base restroom at the same time. Both used the urinals. After completing his business, the sailor zipped up his fly and turned to leave. The airman glowered at him. "In the Air Force, they teach us to wash our hands after using the restroom."

"Oh yeah?" the sailor replied. "Well, in the Navy they teach us not to piss on our hands."

In the Garden of Eden, why didn’t Eve want Adam listening to her while she went to the restroom?

Because eavesdropping.

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A man goes into a restroom at a bar...

He's standing at the urinal and notices a very short guy at the urinal next to him. The little fellow is maybe three feet tall, wearing a green suit and hat, red hair and red beard... and hung like a horse.

The man says, "Excuse me, sir, you're quite unusual looking, what's your story?" The l...

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Redneck book of manners.....

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're ...

Eat at Steve's

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
...

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A jewish man goes into a public restroom

He goes to the urinal as another man enters and starts using the urinal next to him. The other man looks over at him and asks, "Are you a Jew?"

"Why yes, I am," he replied.

"Are you circumcised?" The second man asked. A bit put off, the first man answered warily.

"A strange ques...

Why can’t you hear a ptetodpterodactyl when it uses the restroom?

Because the P is silent.

I went to an Astros game and couldn’t find the restroom.

They stole all the signs.

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Why shouldn't you make friends in the men's restroom?

That's where all the dicks hang out

You know what’s worse than shaking someone’s wet hands after they’ve used the restroom?

Shaking someone’s dry hands after they’ve used the restroom

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Today, I failed at going to the restroom.

That shit didn't work out.

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Busted axle

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroo...

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A bartender is about to close down for the evening when a man walks into the bar.

The man sits down at the empty bar and says, "unfortunately i haven't got any money, but wondering if you would care to wager me for a yard of ale?"

Intrigued, the bartender inquires what the man has in mind for a wager. "You pour me a yard of that Blonde Ale over there....if I can finish ...

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I couldn't make it to the restroom on time.

I was pissed!

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Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

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A bartender starts his shift as usual

and things are going smoothly. He shoots the shit with the regulars, knocking a few back as was his wont. A little later into the night a man walks in and orders a drink. After he gets the drink he sits and starts to talk to his hand. The bartender is confused for sure, he seemed normal enough when ...

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Three men are in a public restroom

The first man, from Harvard, finishes his business at the urinal and walks to the sink. He uses plenty of soap and hot water and announces to the room, "At Harvard, they teach us that cleanliness is next to godliness."

The second man finishes and moves to the sink. He uses minimal soap and wa...

When I'm in public I always like to use the women's restrooms instead of the mens.

It's always quieter in the women's restroom, especially when they know I'm in there...

Sometimes it's necessary to use the women's restroom at work.

If anyone knocks, I shout, "Hymen here!"

My friend from Italy was visiting & asked to use the restroom. Her English isn’t very good, so from the other room she called out, “What’s the word for what I’m doing?”

I replied 'European.'

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A teacher was giving her students a lecture about good manners.

She wanted to test how they would act in a certain circumstance, so she asked:
- Derek, imagine that you’re having dinner with a girl you love, and you suddenly want to go to the restroom during the meal. What would you say to her in this situation?
- “Stay right there, I’m going to pee.”
-...

You could be a 1, you could be a 10, but in the restroom...

... yer an eight.

You’re American right before you enter a restroom but what are you once you’re in there?

European.

Why do women/girls often go to the bathroom/restroom together?

Pee-er Pressure.

What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?

Dereliction of doodie.

I went to the restroom at a restaurant and noticed the chef didn’t wash his hands.

Upon seeing me he smiled, winked, and said, “urine for a treat.”

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Three Men Were Using Urinals In a Public Restroom

The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job.
As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular "At Harvard, I lear...

Women don't want men discussing business in the restroom...

...because they're not privy to the discussion.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'
And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: '...

I got asked out by 15 different women today

Oops, wrong restroom...

I walked into the men's restroom at a police station.

As I walked in, a creepy guy rushed over to me and pulled me close. He told me he would give me "Candy" in exchange for my pee. I assumed he had to pass a test or something.

I told him, "Well, it's your lucky day, I came into this restroom to pee!"

He smiled and told me, "Urine for a t...

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A sailor walks into a public restroom and up to

a urinal and as he begins to do his business, without fail a 10year-old boy walks in and sees and him he starts to shout, golly Gee Mr., golly are you really a sailor? The sailor looks down at the kid and says sure kid would you like to wear my hat? The boy responded with an excited golly Gee yes! S...

I walked out of the restroom and the plumber asked me

"How bad is the leak?"

"I mean it did burn a little. I think I'll have to get it checked out"

When you go into the restroom you are Russian. When you come out of the restroom you are Finnish. So what are you inside the restroom?

European.

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A wealthy village man, Narendra Singh, is elected the leader of a group of villages in North India

He decides to give a victory speech to each of these villages. To do this, however, he realized he would need a secretary to introduce him and brag about how great he is, because it would look stupid if he did it himself. So he hires Mohan Nath, a highly respected member of his own village.

M...

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Donald Trump was using the restroom...

...when Vladmir Putin walked in and began using the urinal beside him. Naturally, Trump glanced over and saw that Putin had by far the biggest cock he had ever seen. So he asked him what he did to make it grow so huge and Vlad told him that every night before he goes to bed, he pulls it out and sl...

How does a logician explain why long lines tend to form at the restroom after a movie?

If a lot of people have to urinate, a long line will tend to form. A lot of people *do* have to urinate after a movie, and thus there is a long restroom line. Put a bit more formally:
Pee implies queue. Pee, therefore queue.

Why do young girls go to the restroom in odd numbered groups?

Because they can't even.

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A man rides a train

A man is riding on a train, he needs to use the restroom but the Men’s is occupied so he sneaks into the Woman’s. While he is doing his business he notices three buttons on the wall, W, F and ATR. His curiosity gets the best of him and he decides to push the W button. A gentle warm stream of water s...

I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."

And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a restaurant.

They are having a fun time and give their waitress a huge tip. Super excited about the tip, the waitress decides to tell them a secret: In the women's bathroom, there is a magical mirror. If you tell it something truthful, you will be greatly rewarded. However, if you lie to the mirror, you will dis...

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A guy from Oklahoma and a guy from Texas are in the restroom of a road house having a piss.

The guy from Oklahoma finishes up first, zips up, and makes for the door. The Texan says over his shoulder "In Texas they teach us to wash up after going to the toilet." The Okie replies "That's funny, in Oklahoma they teach us not to piss all over our hands."

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Your odds of finding a clean public restroom..

..are literally a crap shoot.

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I was taking a crap in the office restroom when the power went out

In pitch black darkness, I proceeded to wipe, wash my hands, and returned to my station, just in time for power to come back.

Upon arriving, I asked my workmate in the next cubicle "Do you know how a blind man in the crapper knows when he's done wiping?"

"No"

"Me neither"
...

A man is stuck inside a public restroom without any toilet paper.

He calls over to the man in the next stall, “Hey, you got any extra toilet paper in there?”



“No,” replies the man.



“You got any newspaper over there?” the stranded man asks.



“Nope,” the second man replies.



After a moment of silence, the fir...

what do you call an occupied restroom in an airplane?

a hypotenuse

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Inebriated Indecency

(Sorry for mobile formatting)
Betty and Barry, a middle-aged couple, went out late one hot Friday night to grab dinner. After they had finished their meal, they sat with drinks and enjoyed dessert. Barry excused himself to the restroom and Betty sat there listening and observed the other patrons ...

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I asked the witness if he needed to go to the restroom.

I could tell from his testimony that he was full of crap.

On a scale from 1 to 10 on how bad you need to use the restroom...

I’d say urinate.

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Airline Restroom

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room was nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using...

I walked into a public restroom

and saw a guy staring into a filthy toilet with a quarter at the bottom. He stood there looking conflicted for a minute, then pulled a twenty dollar bill from his wallet and threw it into the toilet. Then he reached into the muck and pulled out the twenty dollar bill and the quarter.

I asked ...

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Why did they close down the restroom?

Everybody kept losing their shit in there.

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Two guys in a public restroom

Two men were using a public restroom urinal. The first man turns to the other and says "Hey, I know this is weird but I just had my penis tattooed for my girlfriend. Will you have a look and tell me if its alright?"
The second guy says "Okay lets see"
The first guy shows him his penis with the...

What's the worst thing to feel in a public restroom?

Aroused

3 men use the restroom...

2 of them use the urinals and start boasting to each other.

"I have this new watch that is the latest in technology. It is inserted in my skin on my wrist and shows the time without all the bulk and hassle of wearing one!" He shows his wrist to his buddy as it shows a digital readout of the ...

Walmart Bathroom

I was in Walmart using the restroom and just as I closed my stall door, a voice from the next stall said, “Hi! How are you?”
Embarrassed... I said, “I’m ok!"
The voice said, "So what are you up to?”
I said, “Ummm... Just trying to handle a little private business over here!”
Then I h...

What's written outside of Nike restrooms?

Just doodoo it.

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I hate using public restrooms...

... because there always seems to be an asshole nearby.

Covert Russian Cameras Discovered In High Profile US Officials' Restroom Facilities

The cameras were disassembled, and found to be of Russian origin. Upon further investigation, they are found to be part of a Russian espionage/blackmail program, codenamed 'Operation VCUP'.

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Woman gets perved on while her massive boyfriend is in the restroom

When her giant of a boyfriend returns she tells him that the weird looking guy at the bar had perved on her while he was away.
 

She says that the guy said he wanted to unbutton her blouse and jiggle her big ol’ titties. Her boyfriend stands up and says “right I’m having a word w...

What did the Italian man say to the poor British man using the restroom?

European

(I heard this one a while back, sorry) Why can't you use a the restroom at a Beatles reunion concert?

Because there is no John.

Please let us know if this restroom needs attention

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the mana...

Excuse me, there's a large rat in your restroom.

Me: Excuse me, there's a large rat in your restroom.

Starbucks Employee: I'm sorry, what was that?

Me, leaning in: I said there's a large rat in your restroom.

Starbucks Employee: I'm sorry dear, I didn't quite get that.

People In the Store: *Look at me like I'm an idiot*...

A man goes to the restroom, and leaves his drink with a note "I spit into it", to avoid it getting stolen

He comes back and finds another note: "me too"

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A white man walks into a public restroom

He starts peeing in the urinal when a 7 foot tall, absolutely ripped black man walks in and starts peeing in the urinal next to him. Getting a little curious, the white man looks over and notices the black man has a tattoo on his dick that says 'Wendy'. The white man asks, "Why do you have 'Wendy' t...

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What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

I appauld Amazon for being progressive on the whole "Who can use which restroom issue".

They don't care who pees in what bottle.

Customer service at restaurants is HORRIBLE.

Every time I use one of their restrooms, I see "Employees must wash hands" on the mirror. So I wait for HOURS, but not ONCE has an employee EVER showed up to wash them for me.

Restrooms.

Why are they called "restrooms" if I'm not even allowed to sleep on the floor?

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A dude is sitting in a public restroom stall, groaning and suffering from constipation...

when he hears another dude rush into another stall, followed by some very loud unloading.

"I'm so jealous of you" said the first dude. The other dude answers,

"Fuck you I haven't pulled down my pants yet."

BREAKING NEWS: hole blasted into women's restroom

Officers are looking into it

I was in in the public restroom

I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No,...

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The Leprechaun Joke

A man went to a pub on St. Patrick's Day to have some drinks with his mates. After a while, the man needed to relieve himself, so he went to use the restroom.

The restroom was quite small and only had two urinals, one of which was being used by what appeared to be a little person. The man beg...

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A boy asks his teacher to use the restroom...

The teacher says yes and the boy goes. When he goes to wash his hands, he notices the words "Purple Fusion" on the soap dispenser. He gets back to the classroom and asks his teacher what it means. The teacher sends him to the principal. He asks the principal what it means and he expels the boy.
<...

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What does Reddit and a restroom have in common?

It's where assholes go to talk shit.

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

There was a peephole found in the women's restroom at work

the boss is looking into it

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A man desperately needs a restroom

A man out for a night in town gets a sudden, desperate urge to take a dump. He walks to the bathroom but it's full. He runs over to the bartender and desperately questions if there is some sort of special employee restroom he can use.

"Sure. Go upstairs. Take a left."

The man rushes up...

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A pastor uses the church's restroom before morning service begins.

As he's finishing up in the stall, he hears fast breathing and grunting in the stall next to him, and realizes that whoever's in there is masturbating. He exits his stall and washes his hands, then he hears the toilet flush and the culprit steps out of his stall. It's Jim, an 11 year old boy.
...

A man driving down Route 66 stops by a gas station for the restroom...

Upon entering the store he sees the hot blonde behind the counter and asks her to use the restroom. She gives him the key and the man rushes to take care of business. After finishing he notices there's no toilet paper around and nothing else to wipe with. Then he spots a sign on the wall that reads ...

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with a monkey. Proceeds to the bar, and asks the bartender if he can sit and have a few beers as his monkey joins him.

It’s slow, so the bartender says “sure.”

After a few drinks, the guy asks the bartender if he would keep an eye on his monkey while he uses the...

What do you call someone who talks to others in public restrooms?

A urinarrator.

Just recalling the great toilet paper shortage and my Walmart experience.

I couldnt find toilet paper anywhere at Walmart, so I finally found an associate wearing the signature yellow vest, and asked, " Is there toilet paper anywhere in this store?"

She looked me up and down and said, "We've been out of toilet paper for over a week."

Imagine my embarrassment...

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Fancy Women's Restroom

A man is out running errands when he feels a sudden pressure in his gut and urgently needs to find a restroom to vacate his bowels. As he runs to the nearest restrooms, and he finds the men's room is in use and he can't wait any longer. Reluctantly, he finds the women's restroom to be available and ...

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What do you call Australian tourists having sex in a Japanese restroom?

Bidet mate

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So a guy goes to the restroom...

A gentlemen walks into the bathroom and notices a man struggling to piss. He says "what's wrong bud?" The guy turns around, pants still up and shows that he has no arms. He starts looking desperate and asks the man for a huge favor. "I need you to hold my pecker while I piss. Pleeease, I'm begg...

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Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and Linus Torvalds walk into a restroom in 2005...

When Bill Gates finishes doing his business, he goes to the sink, washes his hands, pulls 20 paper towels from the dispenser, and dries his hands completely as Steve Jobs walks up.

Bill says "at Microsoft, we like to be thorough."

Steve Jobs washes his hands even cleaner than Bill, th...

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I was in the gents restrooms at the urinals with my whacky inventor friend when he told me that he'd installed a voice activated device on his penis to combat his mild incontinence by controlling the flow of his pee.

I said "piss off!" and sure enough it stopped.

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