After many years in America, the local Korean owner of a convenience store was asked how it was that his name is Patrick Murphy.

When I come to America, there was long line of immigrants from all over the world. When immigration officer ask man in front of me where he comes from & what his name he tell him, " I'm from Ireland & my name is Patrick Murphy!" Then immigration officer writes his name down and tells him to ...

A young man walks into a convenience store

He opens up the beer cooler and grabs a six pack. An old man standing next to him gives him a look, and the young man says "how much do you want to bet they'll sell me this beer even though I'm not twenty-one?" The old man says "they even check MY ID here. Twenty bucks."

"You're on." The youn...

Did you hear about the Borg convenience store?

It's called 7 of 11.

A little boy went to a convenience store to buy bubble gum.

"Hi! I want to buy bubble gum?" the boy said to the cashier. The cashier said, "Sorry kid. We're out."

The next day, the boy went back to the store again and went up to the cashier. "Hi! I want to buy bubble gum?" said the boy to the cashier. The cashier said, "Sorry kid. Just like yesterday...

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A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso, when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one...

Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am...

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A guy walks into a convenience store, and he grabs a single-serving meal, a single-serving drink, a single-serving toothpaste, a single-serving dessert, single-serving everything, and he goes up to the counter with it.

The woman at the counter says, "Let me guess, you're single?" And he says, "Yeah, how could you tell?" And she says, "Because you're really fucking ugly."

I used to work at a convenience store

Until working there became and inconvenience

A man walks out of a convenience store

A woman carrying an infant walks up to him.

"Could you spare some money sir, my child hasn't eaten in two days!"

The man replied, "Three days actually."

"What do you mean?"

"Don't you remember? You've told me this yesterday as well."

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A man goes to the convenience store..

.. he picks up two apples, a toothbrush, a bag of birdseeds, a bottle of wine, and large pack of batteries.

When it’s his turn to pay at the cash register, the cute female cashier looks shortly at the mans purchases and then has a glance at the man. She then says: “ah... you must be single”. ...

A man walks into a convenience store,

Picks up a can of fly spray and asks the assistant
"Is this good for wasps?"
The assistant replied:
"No. It kills them."

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A guy goes to a convenience store to buy a pack of condoms.

The woman behind the counter asks him what size he needs.

"Gee, I guess I'm not sure." Replies the guy.

The woman tells him, "Go out around the corner and you'll find a fence with three holes in it. Stick your penis in to each one and tell me which size fits best. "

The guy walk...

A man walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk if he's got any helicopter flavored potato chips.

The clerk's replies, no, sorry, we're all out...

But, I've got plane.

A teen is caught smoking pot behind a local convenience store.

He’s arrested and put in county jail.

The arresting officer advises the young pothead that he gets one phone call from jail. The teen makes his phone call and returns to his cell.

About a half hour later a man shows up at the police station. “I assume you’re the boy’s father,” the ar...

A Turkish man stopped by my convenience store and bought a gallon of milk. He comes back in an hour later with the same jug of milk, absolutely furious at me for selling him "bad milk!" I ask him what the problem is and he tells me its all

Kurdled

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A man is in a convenience store and sees a dog walk in holding a Bag.

The dog approaches the counter. Goes into the bag and pulls out a list and some money and hands (mouths?) it to the clerk.

The clerk starts filling in the bag with groceries. And leaves the change on the counter. The dog stares at the money, and then at the clerk and starts growling "Grrrrr"<...

Flat-Earthers always change what they say about the Flat Earth for their convenience. Luckily there aren't any other groups that do that.

Thank God.

A woman walks into a convenience store...

"I need four D batteries," she says.

The cashier nods and motions to her with a finger. "Come this way."

"If I could come that way, I wouldn't need four D batteries!"

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A programmer is working on a convenience store cash register...

A programmer is working on the software for a cash register computer at a convenience store. He finally thinks he got it done and tests a few items. Scans a gallon of milk:

> $2.50

Perfect. How about this bag of beef jerky?

> $4.99

Excellent. 20 oz soda?

>...

A man walks into a convenience store to buy condoms...

Cashier: " That will be $12.60, sir. Do you need a bag?"

Man: "No, thanks. She's not that ugly"

Blind man walks with his dog into a convenience store.

He lifts his dog by the leash and starts swinging it over his head.

Store manager runs over and ask "can I help you with anything!"

Blind man says "no thanks, I'm just looking around."

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Here's a joke from Bulgaria, translated for your convenience.

One a motorway near the coast in Varna a musclebound mafioso (refered to as mutra in Bulgaria) is driving with his subordinates in his brand new Mercedes S63 AMG. When he nears a traffic signal, he gets rear ended. Pissed off, he gets out to have a look. Turns out that an elderly gentleman in a rust...

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So, i used to work in a convenience store...

It's my first shift, and a gentleman comes in asking for nails, I sold some nails to him as my manager was watching

He said to me, mate, that's not how you do sales!! I'll show you how it's done

Before you know it another man comes in asking about some lawn seeds, he proceeds to show h...

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Once upon a time...

A horse lived on a farm with a pig, a sheep, and a cow. Now these were no ordinary barnyard animals - for they were bestowed the miracle of Disney animal anthropomorphism - subsequently, the farmer was very happy to have these animals in his posession and the people who came afar to see them made hi...

I like to pick up girls at gas station convenience stores.

Why? Simple math.

Everyone knows the Hotness scale of 0-10. However, not many know the amount of people at each level.

Assuming 7.4 Billion people there are:

~5 billion 5's

~1 billion 6's

~100 million 7's

~9 million 8's

~220 thousand 9's

~2 tho...

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A father and his son go into a convenience store.

The father purchases a 6 pack of beer and and pack of cigarettes. The son begs his father to buy him a scratch off lottery ticket, and after some incessant pleading the father agrees.

They return to their car and the father lights up a cigarette. The son asks can I have one of those? The fat...

3 Brothers immigrate to America and open a convenience store.

Each of them can only speak 1 sentence of English. The eldest can only say "Maybe, maybe not."

The second can say only "One dollar-fifty."

The youngest, "If you don't, somebody else will!"


A customer walks into the store, and takes a magazine from the display rack to the c...

A blind man walks into a convenience store with his service dog

He heads down an aisle and pauses, his faithful Golden Retriever by his side. With a grunt he picks the dog up by the leash and starts swinging him in circles over his head.

*Wooosh wooosh wooosh*

Bags of chips are flying around and candy bars are falling to the floor, along with a cla...

Today I went to the convenience store

to pick up some condoms. When I walked to the register with the condoms the clerk asked "Would you like a bag?" I replied "No, she's not that ugly"

Back in my day, you could walk into a convenience store with a nickel and get three licorice sticks and some soda.

Now? CCTVs everywhere.

Dalai Lama joke

The Dalai Lama gets a job in convenience store.
A customer buys 3 bottles of water and gives him a $100 bill.

Dalai Lama: Thank you come back again.
Customer: Wait, where's my change?
Dalai Lama: Son, change comes from within.

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The animal convenience store

It was 11am and all the forest animals were waiting in line for the convenience store to open. Some were obviously more calm than others.

Suddenly, the rabbit was making his way up through the line towards the store when the bear stops him.

"Trying to cut in line eh? " and Wham!, he wh...

A young man is working his first day at a convenience store when a 4-foot tall woman walks in to purchase a bottle of soda.

When she goes up to the counter, he looks at her nervously and then pours the take a penny, leave a penny bowl into the change drawer and tells her that there is no charge. Confused, she asks why he did that. He explains to her that it is his first day on the job and that his boss told him that the ...

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Best friends???

Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, "Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"

Frank says, "Jim, how long do we go back? ...

Fishing with Bubba

One day a local went in to the sheriff and told him that Bubba was breaking the law when he went fishing. The sheriff called the game warden and sent him to investigate.

The game warden found Bubba at the convenience store packing ice into his beer cooler with a boat attached to his truck....

Dude goes to convenience store and asks for cigarettes, gets one and warning reads " Smoking can cause impotency"

politely asks "Bro, give me the pack that causes cancer"

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Does your dick touch your asshole?

A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer.

Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?"

Father: "Tell me son... does your dick touch your asshole?"

Son: "No, it doesn't."

Father: "Then no, you can't have any."

The father finis...

One day a talented engineer was inspecting some work on top of a new high rise building when he slipped and fell to his death.

He goes to Heaven and walks up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter says “sorry, we aren’t letting anyone in today, you’ll have to go somewhere else.” Dismayed at his other prospects, the man goes to limbo for a while, but finds it incredibly boring. So he leaves and goes down to Hell.

There he ...

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A man working at a convenience store gets a little bored..

A man working at a convenience store gets a little bored and decides to grab a slushie. Still bored and with business being slow he grabs a porno magazine and starts "reading" it.

Just then three elderly ladies come into the store. With his pants down and hand on his junk the clerk hurriedl...

A man wins big...

*pardon if this is a repost*

A gig worker hits a convenience store on the way home, and buys some juice, a sausage croissant, and a scratcher. Once outside he scratches the card, and wins $400 dollars. The guy collects his winnings and heads home.

When he arrives, he asks his wife "Wha...

House Arrest

There's a convenience store in North Carolina that's right on the beach. It's on stilts so it doesn't get swept away. But the stilts got arrested for holding up a convenience store!!!

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Guy goes to the doctor complaining of tennis elbow...

Doctor says to him that because of social distancing, he’s got this new machine that can diagnose anything with just a urine sample and just drop it off at his convenience.

The guy is upset and just wants his tennis elbow looked at, so he pees in a cup, has his wife and daughter pee in the s...

Tony and Rose

Tony’s on his death bed, taking his last breaths.

Rose, his wife of forty years sits by his side.

Tony calls her over and says, “Rose, after forty years, on my death bed, I have finally learned what you are to me!”

Rose replies, “What, my love?”

Tony goes on, “When we met...

An electrician went to the buzzfeed headquarters,

He was asked to come because a power box was malfunctioning, He went to the reception and told them that he was there to fix the problem ,he was told to wait a minute . So he sat down at the reception. He saw that most of the people working there were in their twenties. He then wondered how advanced...

Where do authors buy their Deus Ex Machinas?

At the convenience store!

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded in the desert

As they're walking the come upon a convenience store. They go inside to gather supplies for the long journey home.

The brunette says "I'll grab plenty of water so we can have enough to drink."

The redhead says "I'll grab food so we have enough to eat."

The blonde says "I'll gra...

Being genetically engineered, evaluated, selected, and trained from birth to be a super-soldier...

before being deployed to a fight a technologically inferior foe in a far-off country to secure economic gains for your overseers, then being either left to die or executed for convenience, is either the plot of a dark and kickass dystopian fiction novel, or a technically accurate description of the ...

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I was offered sex today.

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available wit...

A man finds a lamp in the sand . . .

He rubs it and a genie comes out, offering three wishes.

Now the man is smart, so he knows that the genie will twist his wishes around on him. He's also depressed, so he doesn't mind *too* much if things go really bad. So he decides to se if he can use some reverse psychology on the genie....

A pothead goes to the beach.

It's pretty obvious that he's been smoking earlier that day.
He gets to the beach and it's a quiet day. He notices, however that there are all manner of sea birds squawking and flying around like crazy. They're diving in and out of the water and pestering the few people who were out that day. He ...

Mitch Hedberg Joke - Escalators

"I like an escalator because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an 'escalator temporarily out of order' sign, only 'escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'"
-Mitch Hedberg

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What is the difference between Batman and a black man?

Batman can go into a convenience store without Robin.

My dad used to tell me this one when I was little.

There once was a handsome, sentient snail. One day, he passed by a local convenience store and decided to enter in a lottery. A week later, he discovered he had won!

With his new fortune, he bought a brand new car. As it sat in his garage, he couldn't help thinking it lacked a little pizzaz. ...

When I was 22 I lived a life of crime.

I'm 29 now, but back then I would dress up as Abraham Lincoln and rob convenience stores.

I robbed four stores seven years ago.

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

Whole joke in title! New era of convenience! In mother Russia, joke laughs at you!

***Bonus***, since you came in here anyway:

Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he repli...

My wife and I decided we do not want kids

If anybody does, please send me your contact info and we can drop them off at your convenience.

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An old Jew

An old Jew who survived the German concentration camps is living in America. Every Monday he goes to his local convenience store and buys a lotto ticket. One day he hits a winner and wins big. The first thing he buys is a life size statue of Adolph Hitler to put in his living room. His family and fr...

Three men on an island survive a crash

A plane crash lands on a deserted island, only three men survive. A white guy, a black guy, and an Asian guy. The three decide to work together so they utilize their professions to survive.

The white guy was an architect so it was his job to design the shelter, the black guy worked in constru...

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Two Russians saw an advertisement for a job in Siberia.

Vladimir read it from beginning to end, a glowing account of a new town and industrial complex where there was sure to be full employment, high wages, luxurious Government-sponsored accommodation, and shops full of all the necessities and luxuries that roubles could buy. But just as he was reaching ...

So I work for gutter installation company...

And we recently had a job the required us to roll out 90ft+ pieces at a time. We decided to use the parking lot of the neighboring funeral home for convenience.

As we're working in the lot, the funeral home director comes out and asks us what's going on.

"Sorry sir, were almost done w...

Why can't Pakistanis play soccer?

Whenever they get a corner they set up a convenience store

Vincent Van Gogh's Relatives

His Obnoxious brother: Please Gogh.
His Dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh.
His prune-loving brother: Gotta Gogh.
His Convenience-Store-Owner cousin: Stop'n'Gogh
His Constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
The Ballroom dancer aunt: Tan Gogh
His Nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
His Fruit Loving cousin: M...

Adam, Eve, and their kids build a hut...

As they didn't have any of our modern conveniences, they were looking for ways to make themselves more comfortable. Cain notices that the opening in the wall lets lots of bugs in, so he comes up with a solution. He cuts a tree down and starts shaping the wood into a rectangle to cover it. Meanwhile,...

A man gets a job on a train...

A man gets a job on a train. He starts off as anyone does, as a lowly janitor. He sweeps the floors, cleans the seats, and scrubs the windows. He doesn't get paid much, but he's a hard-working man, and does his job well. He's such a hard worker that eventually he gets promoted to ticket collector. H...

My buddy Sam is a thief.

My friend Sam wasn't always this way. You see, we grew up in the poor part of town, although his dad worked hard and provided, where mine was not around much and when he was my mom always yelled at him to find a permanent job. As a child I remember showing up to his house every day before school and...

So a penguin is driving along one day...

... and has engine trouble. So he stops at an autoshop and they get to work on his car. It's a rather hot day, so he walks over to the convenience story and buys an ice cream cone.

As he's finishing the cone, the mechanic walks over to him and says "Looks like you blew a seal."

"No n...

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