The 74+ Best Closet Jokes

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

A husband walks into his bedroom to find his wife pulling all her clothes out of the closet.

"What's going on here?"

The wife replies that she's just looking for stuff to donate.

"Why don't you just throw them out?" The husband asks.

"Dear! There are so many unfortunate people who could use these clothes!"

The husband replies without missing a beat, "Honey, I kn...

An idiot has a mirror in his closet

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops

"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"

A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idio...

How warm is a janitor's closet?

Broom Temperature.

Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. He says ''Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed...'" The mother interrupts him.

''Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!'' When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ''I'm leaving you.''
The father, bewildered, slowly asks ''Why!?! What did I do??''
The mother turns to Johnny and says, ''Tell daddy exactly what you told me...

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...

What do you call a skeleton in a closet?

International hide and seek champion 1954

A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted,

"Oh, pun the door"

A wife is clearing out her closet

And she finds loads of clothes to put to the charity shop. The husband walks in and says “just throw them away, there’s no need to put them to the charity shop”

The wife replies “aye there is, there’s starving children in Africa who could need these clothes”

And the husband says “darli...

Did you hear about Marie Kondo’s latest book on organizing closets?

It’s called Hanger Management

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I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.

She said, “Honey, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”

A woman's closet door what making a terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside

So she called a carpenter to check it out.

The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus was crossing the street and a loud creaking sound was heard. He couldn't believe it.

So he told her that he'll be waiting inside the closet to see what is making ...

There are no skeletons in my closet.

The bodies haven't decomposed yet.

worst part of childhood is monsters in the closet/under the bed

worst part of adulthood is realizing they were living there rent-free and you missed your chance to charge them

My son came out of the closet today

I swear his body keeps falling out I knew I should have brought a better lock

Where did the guinea pig end up when it came out of the closet?

Gnawnia

What does a janitor say when he jumps out of a closet?

Supplies!

A wife is looking through her closet for something to wear...

She calls her husband over, saying, "Hey honey! Look! I found something that still fits after 25 years!" as she dons it proudly.

The husband responds, "It's a scarf."

How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet.

How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!

The broom and dust pan will be kept in the hall closet from now on...

...and I'm considering other sweeping changes around here.

I came out of the closet to my boss and was fired on the spot

He’s still asking how I got in his closet

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the ba...

There was a mohel who had the odd habit of keeping the foreskins in a box in a closet.

One day he noticed that they'd naturally tanned into very supple leather, so he took the boxful to a bag maker, to see if anything could be done with them. The craftsman told him to return in a month.

When he did, he was presented with a shaving kit.

"All of that leather, and this was ...

What does a closeted trans woman wear when they go out?

A masc

I asked my dyslexic friend if his brother has come out of the closet yet, and apparently he has

He texted me he's in daniel.

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A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.

They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the ...

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A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she disco...

My wife said to come out of the closet already...

I said stop buying so many cute dresses then.

Today I came out of the closet to my girlfriend

She just screamed "WHO ARE YOU" and called the police

What does Old McDonald's farm and an old Asian women's closet have in common?

There's a muumuu here, a muumuu there....

my brother just came out of the closet

I still don’t understand how he untied himself?

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Grandma’s Closet

When I was about 7 years old, I used to LOVE the smell of moth balls. It always reminded me of my grandmother’s closet. The only problem was that it was SUPER hard to spread the little fuckers legs apart.

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Having no luck with the opposite sex! I am finally out of the closet...and now am...

'Buy'sexual.

A woman goes to IKEA to buy a new bedroom closet

She comes home and assembles the closet but as soon as a bus drives by her house, the closet collapses in on itself.

Frustrated she tries again, this time taking care to follow the instructions to the letter. Just as she is finished, another bus drives by her house and the closet collapses ag...

Why can't a man waltz in a closet while wearing a tight Speedo?

Because there's no *ballroom*.

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A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".

I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".

Two brooms were hanging in the closet . . .

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other was the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome a...

I asked the lion in my closet what it was doing there.

He told me it was Narnia business.

My 8-year-old’s newest joke: What did the one-legged man with OCD say when he opened the closet?

“Hi, jean!”

I forgot one of my daughter's birthday presents in the closet....

After six weeks, that pony really began to reek....

My wife was cleaning the closet last week

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing, I think I should donate them

Me: Just throw them in trash, that's much easier

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes

Me: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

BANG@#$%^&a...

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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.

He said: "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under you...

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My cousin got caught with his pants around his ankles in the supply closet at work

He said he really felt like a jerk.

Are you a closet?

Because I want to be in you 24/7

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At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter announces that due to overcrowding, only extremely gruesome deaths will be admitted into heaven today, sorry for any inconvenience.

The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die?"

"Well, I's been suspicious that me wife been cheating on me, so I comes home early from work today to catch her, I does. She acts all innocent, she does. She says, 'Go ahead, search the apartment if that will make you feel better,' she ...

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Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense

Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

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How big is a paedophile's closet?

It's pretty spacey

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I was getting a phonograph off the top shelf in my closet.It slipped out of my hands and landed right on my head.Butt...

It didn't affect me, it didn't affect me, it didn't affect me.

Two newfies are robbing a house

Two newfies (guys from Newfoundland) are robbing a house.

One of them is upstairs, and after dropping a big lamp, he hears the home's owner get up to investigate the noise. As he gets close, the robber goes "Miiaaowwww" imitating a cat, then he hears the guy grubling "God damn it, stupid cat"...

A man went to jury duty. During a break in deliberations he and a female juror he had been flirting with snuck into the coat closet and she started giving him head. Someone knocked on the door, startling him, and he knocked himself out cold on the closet shelf.

When the jury filed back into the courtroom, the judge noticed one was missing. “What happened to my 12th juror?”
The jury foreman replied, “Head in-jury your honor, but I hear he just came to.”

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What does a chemist say when he comes out of the closet for being bisexual?

Iodine, Americium, Bismuth.

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One day a mom was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found some BDSM porn DVDs

Needless to say she was very upset. She took it all and waited until his father came home and showed it all to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

She finally asked him, " What should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you sh...

I was organizing my closet and decided to smell the moth balls. Yuck.

The hardest part was holding his tiny legs apart.

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Where do you find a closeted dyslexic homosexual man?

He is in Daniel

Two nuns are in a dark closet, the first nun says "Where's the candle?"

The second replies "Sure does".

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How do I keep her awake?

A man went into work one day and asked his best friend for advice on a “personal matter.”

“Every time me and my wife are 69ing; she always tends to fall asleep. Do you have any ideas how I can stop this from happening?”

His friend surprised says “I used to have the exact same problem!...

A woman was cheating on her husband. Her husband came home early.

Her paramour had to quickly hide in the closet. When the husband and wife leave the bedroom together, the paramour thinks he's gotten away with it, but then he hears:

"Blimey, ain't it dark in here!"

( This happened to be in England. )

He realizes that their kid is also hiding i...

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I got ridiculed, insulted, and thrown out for coming out of the closet.

That’s the last time I masturbate at IKEA.

A Chinese fella bursts out of the janitorial closet and exclaims

Supplies!

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Woman cheats on her husband

A woman is cheating on her husband and her husband comes home early. In a panic her lover hides in the closet. While hiding in the closet he hears a voice "Sure is dark in here."

The man panics and turns and finds a little boy. "What're you doing in here?"

"I like hiding, what were you...

Heard this at a wedding

A woman and her husband had been married for 60 years and had remained faithful and loving this entire time. However, the woman did have one secret; a shoebox in her closet. The shoebox itself was not a secret, but the wife had told the husband that he was never to open or ask about the box, so the...

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If gays come out of the closet, where do straights come out of?

Compton

Someone broke into my house so I hid in the closet with my phone, but I forgot to set it to silent...

Luckily when I got a text I managed to fake cough over it so he wouldn't hear

The president is a closet communist

He likes to seize the means of reproduction.

A woman buys a closet from Ikea

A woman who lives just above an underground station buys a closet from Ikea and tries to build it in her apartment. She gets it built but, before she could get any clothes inside, the underground arrives at the station and the closet collapses.

She doesn't understand how could this happen sin...

I thought my new girlfriend might be "the one" until I looked in her closet

There was a nurse's uniform, a French maid's uniform and a policewoman's uniform. That killed it.

If she can't commit to one job, she's too flighty for me.

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Trump is a closet communist, and I have proof.

When he says he likes to grab them by the pussy, he's really saying he wants to seize the means of reproduction.

Guess what I found in the creepy old professors closet

Narnia business

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I finally came out of the closet today

It took me forever to find the doorknob

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Why did the homosexual come out of the closet?

He found his shirt.

It only takes about 5 seconds to find a shirt...

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I know they are supposed to keep my closet fresh, but moth balls smell terrible.

It's not worth spreading their tiny, insect legs apart to smell them either.

My dad would lock us on the closet for hours at a time.

He told us it was elevator training. Today, I was in an elevator, I nailed it!!

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Little Johnny and Little Sally are hiding in the bedroom closet watching Little Johnny's sister have sex with her boyfriend...

"Golly," Little Sally whispers. "She sure looks like she's having a good time. You wanna try that, Little Johhny?"

"Not really," he says. "His dick would probably hurt me."

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