This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How bout a blowjob?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,‟You know,I don't know what else to do.Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking,I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.I take my shoes off befo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it hap...

What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet?

Last year's hide-and-go-seek champion.

What does Old McDonald's farm and an old Asian women's closet have in common?

There's a muumuu here, a muumuu there....

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

"Supplies!"

Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. He says ''Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed...'" The mother interrupts him.

''Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!'' When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ''I'm leaving you.''
The father, bewildered, slowly asks ''Why!?! What did I do??''
The mother turns to Johnny and says, ''Tell daddy exactly what you told me...

A woman's closet door what making a terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside

So she called a carpenter to check it out.

The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus was crossing the street and a loud creaking sound was heard. He couldn't believe it.

So he told her that he'll be waiting inside the closet to see what is making ...

My son came out of the closet today

I swear his body keeps falling out I knew I should have brought a better lock

my brother just came out of the closet

I still don’t understand how he untied himself?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

I came out of the closet to my boss and was fired on the spot

He’s still asking how I got in his closet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.

They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the ...

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was younger, I didn't want to imagine my parents having sex...

So I'd watch them while hiding in their bedroom closet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".

I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".

My 8-year-old’s newest joke: What did the one-legged man with OCD say when he opened the closet?

“Hi, jean!”

Why is the swiss cheese afraid of the dark?

Because it's afraid of a muenster in the closet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin got caught with his pants around his ankles in the supply closet at work

He said he really felt like a jerk.

I forgot one of my daughter's birthday presents in the closet....

After six weeks, that pony really began to reek....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.

She said, “Honey, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”

How warm is a janitor's closet?

Broom Temperature.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Sleeper of a Joke

A couple owns a dog that snores in his sleep.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife takes the dog to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles at night and he will stop snoring.

The woman is dubious about the vet's adv...

I asked the lion in my closet what it was doing there.

He told me it was Narnia business.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

On the way home the man went to a gun store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he ran home to his wife. When he got home he was surprised and delighted to find ...

There are no skeletons in my closet.

The bodies haven't decomposed yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mid 1800's, a Native American man leaves his people for the first time.

After a few day of wondering, he came across this small town. In this town was a saloon/brothel.

Upon entering the saloon, a lady of the night approached the traveler. "You look new to these parts honey."

"Mmm," say the traveler.

"Well, let me tell you all about our special," ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where do you find a closeted dyslexic homosexual man?

He is in Daniel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense

Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time

A wife is clearing out her closet

And she finds loads of clothes to put to the charity shop. The husband walks in and says “just throw them away, there’s no need to put them to the charity shop”

The wife replies “aye there is, there’s starving children in Africa who could need these clothes”

And the husband says “darli...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnny is a sponge

One night a mother and father get into a heated argument.

"You bitch!" Screams the dad.
"You're a selfish prick" the mom replies.

Their little boy Johnny pipes up with "what do those words mean mommy and daddy?" Thinking quickly the dad says "I was just calling your mother a lady, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was so excited that she pulled something out of her closet from 10 years ago that still fits..

"Can you believe it? After 10 years and it still fits!"

"Babe, it's a fucking scarf!"

A man who hasn't spoken to his friend in a while decides to give him a call.

He calls his friend's house and to his surprise, he hears his friends young child answer the phone.

"Hey, can you pass the phone to your dad?"

"I can't, he's busy", the child said, in a quiet whisper.

"What's he doing?"

"He's in the hall."

"Okay, how about your mum...

A man went to jury duty. During a break in deliberations he and a female juror he had been flirting with snuck into the coat closet and she started giving him head. Someone knocked on the door, startling him, and he knocked himself out cold on the closet shelf.

When the jury filed back into the courtroom, the judge noticed one was missing. “What happened to my 12th juror?”
The jury foreman replied, “Head in-jury your honor, but I hear he just came to.”

A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted,

"Oh, pun the door"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got ridiculed, insulted, and thrown out for coming out of the closet.

That’s the last time I masturbate at IKEA.

What do you call an 8 year old stuck in a closet?

I don't remember, but the amber alert called her Mary.

An idiot has a mirror in his closet

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops


"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"


A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idio...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Florida man dies and goes to a waiting area for his final destination.

As he awaits, he spots his best friend within the crowd and cannot believe it. He approaches his buddy and starts a conversation

“Cooch, is that you buddy? Holy shit! It is you! What are you doing here?”

“Hey Willie” says the man with barely any expression on his face.

“What ar...

Two nuns are in a dark closet, the first nun says "Where's the candle?"

The second replies "Sure does".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If gays come out of the closet, where do straights come out of?

Compton

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a chemist say when he comes out of the closet for being bisexual?

Iodine, Americium, Bismuth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy is being bullied in school [very long]

And the bullies call him and his friends "bitches and bastards". When the boy gets home, he asks his parents what "bitches and bastards are". His dad blushes, and says, "Well, they're just ladies and gentlemen".

Later, his parents are talking, and the boy overhears his dad say "condom". "Dad...

How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet.

How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!

Was I a good husband?

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.

...

A guy comes home and finds his wife on the bed

Stark naked. "What are you doing here, naked?" he asks "Well, how else am I suppose to be? I have nothing to wear!" she yells at him. Guy gets angry and throws open the closet. "Nothing to wear?" he yells. "Look at how many dresses you have! Blue one. Green one, Grey one. Oh, hi Mike. Black one. Ano...

I thought my new girlfriend might be "the one" until I looked in her closet

There was a nurse's uniform, a French maid's uniform and a policewoman's uniform. That killed it.

If she can't commit to one job, she's too flighty for me.

A Chinese fella bursts out of the janitorial closet and exclaims

Supplies!

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom...

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am pretty sure my cat is gay

Though he seems a bit too insecure of it since he keeps coming out of the closet over and over , poor guy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is having an affair...

... with a man.

One day, her 14-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what they do.Surprisingly, the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet without realizing that her son is already in there.

Son: " Kinda dark in here."Man: "Yes."Son: "I have a baseball."Man:...

Guess what I found in the creepy old professors closet

Narnia business

A woman buys a closet from Ikea

A woman who lives just above an underground station buys a closet from Ikea and tries to build it in her apartment. She gets it built but, before she could get any clothes inside, the underground arrives at the station and the closet collapses.

She doesn't understand how could this happen sin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was having an affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover, “into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom di...

I heard that my sister is dating the teacher. I could hear them making out in the closet yesterday

Homeschooling is weird

I’m finally coming out of the closet

It’s been 25 minutes. My little brother sucks at hide and seek

I swear if he’s playing Fortnite right now I will throw him out of the goddamned window.

My dad would lock us on the closet for hours at a time.

He told us it was elevator training. Today, I was in an elevator, I nailed it!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the homosexual come out of the closet?

He found his shirt.

It only takes about 5 seconds to find a shirt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump is a closet communist, and I have proof.

When he says he likes to grab them by the pussy, he's really saying he wants to seize the means of reproduction.

My wife was cleaning the closet last week

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing, I think I should donate them

Me: Just throw them in trash, that's much easier

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes

Me: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

[email protected]#$%^&a...

Someone broke into my house so I hid in the closet with my phone, but I forgot to set it to silent...

Luckily when I got a text I managed to fake cough over it so he wouldn't hear

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and went to bed, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

After trying to fall asleep for a few hours, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally came out of the closet today

It took me forever to find the doorknob

What do you call walk-in closet in Spanish?

Armario de Joaquín

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How big is a paedophile's closet?

It's pretty spacey

My wife accused me of cheating when she found a hidden letter...

I should've known better than to hide my X in the closet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Carrot, cucumber, penis at a group therapy session.

The cucumber tells the group “ my life is so terrible people put me in a jar liquid and set me on a shelf for months and mutate me into something completely different” The carrot says no my life is way worse, people skin me alive, & eat my babies!” The penis pipes up and says “I think my life is...

I got super freaked out when I saw 2 dead bodies hanging in my closet

I was relieved when I remembered I had just installed a mirror in there.

My wife has been secretly storing plenty of graph paper inside her closet.

I bet she is plotting something against me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly couple are about to have sex in a nursing home supply closet.

The woman decided to warn the man about her heart condition. “ You need to know this, I have acute angina.”

“That’s good news.” The man replied, “because you have the ugliest pair of tits I have ever seen.”

Old Age Fun

Told to me by my 80 year old mother. Elizabeth and Gladys were stuck in an older folks home and bored to tears. So they decided to have a little fun and excitement. They go into the closet and strip naked. Then they run through the card room were two old fellas are playing cards. Tom saids to ...

Dave went to the store for a box of mothballs. His closet was infested with moths and he needed a solution.

The next day, Dave returned to buy five more boxes.



“Weren’t you just here yesterday to buy a box of mothballs?” the store clerk asked.



“Yes, but I used up that box already. Those suckers are hard to hit when they start moving!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to live with a closet-gay roommate.

Then one day I unlocked his chains and he ran away.

I was organizing my closet and decided to smell the moth balls. Yuck.

The hardest part was holding his tiny legs apart.

What was the excuse the closeted necrophiliac gave his girlfriend for missing dinner?

"Was out having a cold one with the boys"

There is a box in the office closet with a ton of envelopes. It's blocking the door from opening all the way. I asked the manager to get it out of the way and he scoffed "yeah right - you try it"....

I couldn't budge it. For such a small box it was unbelievably heavy.

Then it dawned on me - it was stationary.

The president is a closet communist

He likes to seize the means of reproduction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cockroach in my home just came out of the closet.

I was shocked at first but I made sure that it felt supported and loved no matter what or whome it loved.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.