What did the Roman say when his wife was eaten by a tiger?

Gladiator

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars!

A Roman walks into a bar

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up 2 fingers and says, "Five beers please."

Ancient Roman walks into a bar…

Says to the bartender “i will have a martinus”

Bartender says “you mean martini”

The roman says “no, just one”

Two Roman Soldiers

2 Roman Soldiers are guarding an outpost, and begin bragging about their luck with women. The first soldier says to the other: "Dude, you wouldn't believe how many ladies I've gotten with just this month?

2nd soldier: "Mmm?"

1st soldier: "ok, well not *that* many."

What roman never gets any dates?

Hidius

Pirate Leader: Can someone tell me how to write 2 in Roman numerals?

Crew: I I Captain.

I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals!

IM LIVID

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar

"Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type"

Why do Romans always have a hard time ending relationships?

Their X is always a 10.

What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?

The strength of the communion wine.

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A Roman girl has sex with 500 guys.

She wanted the D.

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?

A glad-he-ate-her.

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

A couple Roman soldiers walk into a bar.

The buddies order drinks and start chatting.

John: I heard somewhere your name is actually Kevin? But I know you as Ken?

Ken: That is correct.

John: How does one get Ken from Kevin?

Ken: Easy, I'm not six anymore.

When the Romans landed in Britain...

When the Romans landed in Britain,

The weather proved a teaser!

The emperor asked "Could this be rain?",

But the answer was "Hail, Caesar"

I once had a beautiful Roman girlfriend

She was a solid X

Some guy just tried to tell me i can't be 443 years old and i don't undertand roman numerals

i'm LIVID

My History teacher got so angry that I couldn't translate the sequence 50,1,5,1,500 into Roman Numerals

You could almost say he was Livid.

I used to wonder why my history teachers loved to teach about the Roman Empire so much. I think I get it now.

They both hated vandals and goths.

Why wasn't there any McDonald's in the Roman Empire

There was too much Greece

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If Wallsend was named because the Roman wall ended there and Newcastle because a castle was built there!

How did Cockermouth get its name?

I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.

Not on my watch.

64AD: Nero bans the practice of christianity through the roman empire

christians: i can’t believe this

romans: correct

Roman Sailors

Roman sailors always replied to a command by saying, "2, sir".

A Roman soldier went down on Messalina, the wife of Emperor Claudius. He knew he was risking death, nevertheless he was

glad he ate her

What do you call a Roman with a cold?

Julius Sneezer

What mouse was a roman emperor?

Julius Cheeser

4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar

The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"

A Roman Famine

Long ago in Ancient Rome, there was a great famine all across the land. As food became ever more scarce many people found themselves tightening their belts to get by. And inevitably, a man was taken to court for the crime of having committed cannibalism against his wife.

Due to the horrific n...

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The Romans had an unusual sexual fetish for Jesus

One time, they even nailed him on a cross.

Why did the Romans bring bleach to Jesus’s crucifixion?

To prevent cross contamination.

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

What did the roman dad name his fat newborn?

Voluminous.

Two Roman gladiators are talking....

The one guy says, "Guess how many women I've slept with?"

The second guy goes, "Mmmm..."

The first dude goes, "Are you serious?! I'd be dead!"

My government recently announced they're phasing out Roman numerals...

Not on my watch.

A cowboy and a Roman soldier walked to a bar, and the bartender is deaf....

... The cowboy wanted 4 beers, so he showed 4 fingers and the roman soldier wanted 4 beers so he showed 3 fingers

A roman soldier was guarding a crossroads when Senator Churry approached.

"Do you know the way to the Coliseum?", asked Churry.

The soldier pointed straight ahead.

After that, the Roman sent Churry on.

Who the heck cares about learning the Roman Numeral system?

I for one...

Why did all the Romans go to prison?

Because their X’s were all 10.

What did the Roman's do, when they heard that Jesus came back from the dead?

REPOST

[NSFW] What did the Roman say the first time he went to a brothel?

Vidi. Vici. Veni.

The Roman soldiers surrounded Jesus as he was nearing his last breath atop the large hill, affixed to the cross.

His disciples were at the bottom of the hill along with a large crowd as they wept for Jesus. Suddenly Jesus raised his head and shouted out, “Peter! Peter! Come forth!”

Peter was in disbelief that Jesus would summon him and he knew that he had to fight past the guards to see what Jesus’s mes...

In the time of the Holy Roman Empire

There was a chronic shortage of hay with which to feed the Army's horses. So much so that the Emperor issued a mandate that restricted its use, even going as far as cutting in half the width of all brooms.

This became standard use and over time no one questioned it. With the exception of lowl...

A recent archeological dig has uncovered a set of 2300 year old Roman gold rings, with a small golden figure of a Tick attatched to it, missing all its legs...

Archeologists originally believed it to be simple wear and tear, until it was discovered there were no signs of soldering on the bodies of the golden ticks, indicating they were intentionally made legless. A professor on the scene theorized that these rings were a gesture of romantic interest or a p...

How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?

Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.

A Roman walks into a bar.

He goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Bacardus and Coke."

The bartender, confused, asks "Don't you mean a Bacardi and Coke?"

The Roman rolls his eyes and responds "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for one."

"Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague.

"Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?

They got lost at C

What did Roman say on Good Friday?

"Nailed it."

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A roman soldier was looking at his shadow

"Oh shit, I'm late!"

The Ancient Romans were debating how to count things

Their city state was already hundreds of years old, and their Republic was barrelling down the pathway to Empire: but they still hadn't decided fully how to count things.

The Senate was a blaze of fury as populares and optimates rowed over the proper way to measure and record all things numer...

People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus

Personally, I think they nailed it.

Who performed the Imperial Roman version of "Can't Touch This"?

1100 Hammer

A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren’t very supportive. They kept telling him to “Get with the times...

New Roman.”

A Roman guy walks into a bar

He holds up the peace sign and says “I’ll take 5 shots please”

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An old Greek man and an old Italian man are arguing. The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"

The Greek man says "...

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When were ancient Roman women the sexiest?

When they turned XXX.

My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay (NSFW)

I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra

I got stabbed 23 times

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In Ancient Greece, a warrior struggles to sort his disciples.

Seeing as he didn’t have the privilege of Roman numerals and didn’t know how to count, he decided to use the ol’ Shepard boy sorts-sheep-by-amount-of-pebbles method, but with a twist. As such, he matches the soldiers in pairs of two based on appearances or, if they sounded similar, by names.

...

Roman numerals, ey...

What are they good IV?

One day during a war....

A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.

Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."

The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wil...

Contrary to popular myth, Caesar wasn't killed by the Roman senate. He died of a heart attack when he heard of Barcelona's spectacular loss. His last words were however accurate....

8-2, brutus?

After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.

"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."

Two Romans talking

Roman I: "There are X kinds of programmers"
Roman II: "What's programmers?"

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What did they sing at the wedding between the Roman Catholic and the Ashkenazi Jew?

Oy Vey Maria

A Roman soldier was guarding a cross roads in ancient Britain, when a druid walks up.

The Roman stops him and asks, "What is your name and where are you going, pleb?"

"My name is Churry and I am to meet your General in Londinium."

He thought for a moment, and then the Roman sent Churry on.

The local hospital hired a Roman nurse!

Complications arose when the IV was issued to bed #4.

I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159

Then it just CLIX.

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What did the horny Roman say to his girlfriend?

Wanna LXIX tonight?

I asked my Roman friend for a HI FIVE

He gave me HI V

What did the Roman physicist say when he saw Jesus hanging from the cross, just a few feet off the ground?

I don't see much potential

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

Very punny! ;)

Three blondes

Three blondes are driving down the street in a little car and get in an accident in which they all die. They awake to find themselves at the gates of Heaven, with Saint Peter smiling sweetly. He welcomes them and announces "ladies, before me I have the book of life. In it, i can see you've done some...

Roman soldier

How did the starving male slave forced to compete in ancient Roman death matches for entertainment feel after cannibalizing the largely portioned female oppressor?

Gladiator.

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A man was interviewing for a position with the CIA (Part 1)

He turns up to the interview and there are two other guys.

The first guy gets taken in for an interview and is asked: Who killed Jesus Christ? He replies "The Jews".

The second guy gets taken in and is asked the same thing, to which he replies "The Romans".

The third guy (our gu...

Why are 490 Romans funny?

Because XD

My friend told me she doesn't like Roman Numerals because you can't make puns from them.

I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.

A young roman boy spoke his last words as he was being crucified.

"I'm used to getting hammered but this wasn't quite what I was expecting"

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