UPJOKE
romeitalianromaantiquitypapistromanistgreekroman catholicroman empiresaxonetruscanmedievalbretonnorwegianromanian

Roman Jokes

Why wasn't there any McDonald's in the Roman Empire

There was too much Greece

Why do Romans always have a hard time ending relationships?

Their X is always a 10.

What do you call a Roman emperor with bad allergies?

Julias Snaesar

Who is in favour of bringing Roman numerals back into use?

I for one.

My Roman doctor said I needed an IV.

I asked: “For what?”

You ever hear the one about the Ancient Roman cannibal who devoured his wife?

He was Gladiator

A guy asks his Roman friend what size a shirt is.

He looks at the XL on the tag and says, "it's a size 40."

I can't Remember How to Write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman Numerals

I M LIVID

My girlfriend looks like a Roman Goddess..

Pale, No arms.

A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says...

"Five beers, please!"

What do you get when you cross a Roman Soldier?

A crucifixion.

The cost of joining the Roman Numeral Society was exactly $499

They wouldn't let me in because I didn't have ID...

What do you call a Roman with a hair between his teeth and a smile on his face?

Gladiator

Why shouldn't you study French philosophy before Roman poetry?

Because that would be putting Descarte before the Horace.

How does a Roman sailor salute a superior officer?

2, captain

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender...

>!“We don’t serve your type.”!<

Pirate Ship Captain: Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?

Crew: I I captain.

A Roman Soldier Walks into a Bar.

He says to the bartender "give me a martinus."

The bartender looks at him for a moment. "Do you mean a martini?"

"If I wanted more than one, I would have said so."

A bunch of Romans walk into a bar in Rome, one Roman holds up two fingers to the barman..

“5 beers”.

I asked these people how to write 509 in Roman numerals but they won't tell me

What a bunch of DIX

I once had a beautiful Roman girlfriend

She was a solid X

Just woke up from a dream about Roman numerals 5, 4, 1, and 500.

It was VIVID.

A crocodile is walking to the Roman Colosseum, where a gladiator duel is scheduled to take place.

Along the way, he runs into a serial killer.

The crocodile, being a crocodile, is unconcerned and promptly proceeds to devour her alive before continuing on his merry way to the Roman Colosseum.

He makes it there just fine, and enjoys a gladiatorial match for the ages- a feast for the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the Romans Conquered Britain

In the mid 1st century CE one of the problems they did not anticipate was the rampant fraud being conducted in the bronze trade. Tradesmen who shaped the metal would buy it from merchants who bought it from the miners in the form of bars of bronze, already mixed from copper and tin.

The issu...

Jesus is hanging on the cross.

There’s a big loud crowd gathered when he’s heard weakly calling for Matthew. Matthew rushes toward the cross but is brutally beaten back by the Roman soldiers guarding it. He runs around to the far side and tries again. Again he’s beaten back. Finally after several more attempts a beaten and bloody...

A Lutheran moves into a neighborhood of Roman Catholics on the first day of Lent.

That Friday, the man grills out on his patio, filling the neighborhood with the mouthwatering aroma of seared steak. All his neighbors, being practicing Catholics, are obliged to abstain from eating meat on Fridays during Lent. Needless to say, they aren't particularly happy about it. The next Frida...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It is said that sex was invented by the ancient Greeks, but it was greatly improved by the Romans.

You see, they discovered that you can have it with women too.

4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar

The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"

My daughter has a math test on Roman numerals.

I told her I hope she gets a "C".

The Roman version of Demeter is Ceres.

And the American version of Demeter is Da yard.

Roman Dating

Caesar and Brutus were chatting over a goblet of wine one day.

Caesar says, "I had a hot date with a girl from Egypt that I met the other night."

Brutus asks, "What was her name?"

Caesar says, "Cleopatra."

Brutus asks, "How did the date go? "

Caesar answers, "vidi ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck...

They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey."

"Nooooo," sa...

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

When in rome do what the romans do!

when in vegas do what the vegans do!

Two Roman Soldiers

2 Roman Soldiers are guarding an outpost, and begin bragging about their luck with women. The first soldier says to the other: "Dude, you wouldn't believe how many ladies I've gotten with just this month?

2nd soldier: "Mmm?"

1st soldier: "ok, well not *that* many."

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

What roman never gets any dates?

Hidius

People criticize the Roman that had to crucify Jesus...

...but I think he nailed it.

What did Jesus say to the Romans?

Hey, can you put me up for a few nights?

Why did the Roman Army cross the road?

They were crucifying Jesus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

I had a good joke involving Jared Fogle, Roman Polanski, and Jimmy Saville walking into a bar

But it occurred to me that they wouldn't be somewhere where there wouldn't be minors.

A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren’t very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,

New Roman.

Joke from AC Origins

You know what they say:

Greeks invented the threesome

And the Romans added women.

Judas: the one I bestow with a kiss is the christ

Roman soldier: can't you like... point at him or something?

Judas (putting on lipstick): I don't tell you how to do your job!

Two Roman men are talking...

Roman guy 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with.

Roman guy 2: Mmm?

Roman guy 1: Don't be ridiculous, not that many.

Ancient cultures had interesting and unique philosophies

For example, if you asked the question: “What separates man from animals?” You would get vastly different answers.

The Greeks would say “Philosophy and Law”

The Chinese would say “Morals and Art”

The Romans would say “The Mediterranean and the Danube”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Roman girl has sex with 500 guys.

She wanted the D.

When the Romans landed in Britain...

When the Romans landed in Britain,

The weather proved a teaser!

The emperor asked "Could this be rain?",

But the answer was "Hail, Caesar"

I used to wonder why my history teachers loved to teach about the Roman Empire so much. I think I get it now.

They both hated vandals and goths.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At school they taught us that XXX is Roman Numerals

At school they taught us that XXX is Roman Numerals.

I typed XXX on Google and the Romans came out naked..

A Roman emperor walks into a Pompeii restaurant and orders a salad.

CAESER?! The waiter exclaimed. No, waldorf he replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Wallsend was named because the Roman wall ended there and Newcastle because a castle was built there!

How did Cockermouth get its name?

A couple Roman soldiers walk into a bar.

The buddies order drinks and start chatting.

John: I heard somewhere your name is actually Kevin? But I know you as Ken?

Ken: That is correct.

John: How does one get Ken from Kevin?

Ken: Easy, I'm not six anymore.

Why did the Romans bring bleach to Jesus’s crucifixion?

To prevent cross contamination.

Who the heck cares about learning the Roman Numeral system?

I for one...

[NSFW] What did the Roman say the first time he went to a brothel?

Vidi. Vici. Veni.

What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?

The strength of the communion wine.

The Roman soldiers surrounded Jesus as he was nearing his last breath atop the large hill, affixed to the cross.

His disciples were at the bottom of the hill along with a large crowd as they wept for Jesus. Suddenly Jesus raised his head and shouted out, “Peter! Peter! Come forth!”

Peter was in disbelief that Jesus would summon him and he knew that he had to fight past the guards to see what Jesus’s mes...

The Peanuts Gang had a crossover with the WWE

Linus: "I'm up against John Cena."

Lucy: "I'm gonna slug the Undertaker."

Schroeder: "I'm fighting Roman Reigns."

Charlie Brown: "I got the Rock."

One day in August, Julius Caesar was standing on the balcony in his palace, watching the leaves drop silently from the trees.

He was witnessing….The Fall of the Roman Empire.

I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.

Not on my watch.

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?

A glad-he-ate-her.

We all know that Barney the Dinosaur is a LOVABLE PURPLE DINOSAUR.

In ancient Rome, there was no letter U, so they used a V instead, making Barney a LOVABLE PVRPLE DINOSAVR.

Now eliminate all the letters that are not Roman numerals. We are left with LVL VL DIV.

Next, let's refresh your brain. I=1, V=5, L=50, D=500.

When we add it all up, we get...

Two Roman gladiators are talking....

The one guy says, "Guess how many women I've slept with?"

The second guy goes, "Mmmm..."

The first dude goes, "Are you serious?! I'd be dead!"

My government recently announced they're phasing out Roman numerals...

Not on my watch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Romans had an unusual sexual fetish for Jesus

One time, they even nailed him on a cross.

Why are 490 Romans funny?

Because XD

What mouse was a roman emperor?

Julius Cheeser

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When were ancient Roman women the sexiest?

When they turned XXX.

Yo mamma is so old…

…that her social security number is written with Roman numerals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A roman soldier was looking at his shadow

"Oh shit, I'm late!"

Some guy just tried to tell me i can't be 443 years old and i don't undertand roman numerals

i'm LIVID

How do you arrest a Roman woman?

Caesar.

A cowboy and a Roman soldier walked to a bar, and the bartender is deaf....

... The cowboy wanted 4 beers, so he showed 4 fingers and the roman soldier wanted 4 beers so he showed 3 fingers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Romans have a Conversation.

"Hey man, what year is it?"

"35 before Christ"

"Who the hell is that?"

"I have no fucking Idea"

I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159

Then it just CLIX.

What did the Roman's do, when they heard that Jesus came back from the dead?

REPOST

My History teacher got so angry that I couldn't translate the sequence 50,1,5,1,500 into Roman Numerals

You could almost say he was Livid.

A Roman walks into a bar.

He goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Bacardus and Coke."

The bartender, confused, asks "Don't you mean a Bacardi and Coke?"

The Roman rolls his eyes and responds "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for one."

My friend told me she doesn't like Roman Numerals because you can't make puns from them.

I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.

Fun fact: did you know that HIV is actually Roman for “high five”?

Pass it on – or, rather, don’t.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Roman Jews

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to
convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from
the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a
religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews
won, they could sta...

How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?

Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.

What did Roman say on Good Friday?

"Nailed it."

A recent archeological dig has uncovered a set of 2300 year old Roman gold rings, with a small golden figure of a Tick attatched to it, missing all its legs...

Archeologists originally believed it to be simple wear and tear, until it was discovered there were no signs of soldering on the bodies of the golden ticks, indicating they were intentionally made legless. A professor on the scene theorized that these rings were a gesture of romantic interest or a p...

Roman Sailors

Roman sailors always replied to a command by saying, "2, sir".

A Roman soldier went down on Messalina, the wife of Emperor Claudius. He knew he was risking death, nevertheless he was

glad he ate her

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum

Friends, Romans
and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty
Caesar"

Brutus turn...

Who performed the Imperial Roman version of "Can't Touch This"?

1100 Hammer

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.