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What did the Roman say when his wife was eaten by a tiger?

Gladiator

A Roman walks into a bar

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up 2 fingers and says, "Five beers please."

Why wasn't there any McDonald's in the Roman Empire

There was too much Greece

I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals!

IM LIVID

Why do Romans always have a hard time ending relationships?

Their X is always a 10.

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It is said that sex was invented by the ancient Greeks, but it was greatly improved by the Romans.

You see, they discovered that you can have it with women too.

What do you call a Roman emperor with bad allergies?

Julias Snaesar

The cost of joining the Roman Numeral Society was exactly $499

They wouldn't let me in because I didn't have ID...

Pirate Leader: Can someone tell me how to write 2 in Roman numerals?

Crew: I I Captain.

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When the Romans Conquered Britain

In the mid 1st century CE one of the problems they did not anticipate was the rampant fraud being conducted in the bronze trade. Tradesmen who shaped the metal would buy it from merchants who bought it from the miners in the form of bars of bronze, already mixed from copper and tin.

The issu...

The Roman version of Demeter is Ceres.

And the American version of Demeter is Da yard.

Roman Dating

Caesar and Brutus were chatting over a goblet of wine one day.

Caesar says, "I had a hot date with a girl from Egypt that I met the other night."

Brutus asks, "What was her name?"

Caesar says, "Cleopatra."

Brutus asks, "How did the date go? "

Caesar answers, "vidi ...

A Roman Soldier Walks into a Bar.

He says to the bartender "give me a martinus."

The bartender looks at him for a moment. "Do you mean a martini?"

"If I wanted more than one, I would have said so."

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At school they taught us that XXX is Roman Numerals

At school they taught us that XXX is Roman Numerals.

I typed XXX on Google and the Romans came out naked..

I asked these people how to write 509 in Roman numerals but they won't tell me

What a bunch of DIX

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

I once had a beautiful Roman girlfriend

She was a solid X

People criticize the Roman that had to crucify Jesus...

...but I think he nailed it.

A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren’t very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,

New Roman.

A Roman emperor walks into a Pompeii restaurant and orders a salad.

CAESER?! The waiter exclaimed. No, waldorf he replied.

There are very few people doing Roman numeral jokes now

I is one

When in rome do what the romans do!

when in vegas do what the vegans do!

A bunch of Romans walk into a bar in Rome, one Roman holds up two fingers to the barman..

“5 beers”.

Did you hear about the happy Roman?

He was Glad-he-ate-her.

When the Romans landed in Britain...

When the Romans landed in Britain,

The weather proved a teaser!

The emperor asked "Could this be rain?",

But the answer was "Hail, Caesar"

Two Roman Soldiers

2 Roman Soldiers are guarding an outpost, and begin bragging about their luck with women. The first soldier says to the other: "Dude, you wouldn't believe how many ladies I've gotten with just this month?

2nd soldier: "Mmm?"

1st soldier: "ok, well not *that* many."

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

What roman never gets any dates?

Hidius

I used to wonder why my history teachers loved to teach about the Roman Empire so much. I think I get it now.

They both hated vandals and goths.

64AD: Nero bans the practice of christianity through the roman empire

christians: i can’t believe this

romans: correct

A couple Roman soldiers walk into a bar.

The buddies order drinks and start chatting.

John: I heard somewhere your name is actually Kevin? But I know you as Ken?

Ken: That is correct.

John: How does one get Ken from Kevin?

Ken: Easy, I'm not six anymore.

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If Wallsend was named because the Roman wall ended there and Newcastle because a castle was built there!

How did Cockermouth get its name?

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A Roman girl has sex with 500 guys.

She wanted the D.

4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar

The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"

What do you call a Roman with a cold?

Julius Sneezer

My daughter has a math test on Roman numerals.

I told her I hope she gets a "C".

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar

"Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type"

What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?

The strength of the communion wine.

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

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A company that sells nails decides to start advertising their product...

A company that sells nails decides to start advertising their product.

Their CEO goes to an ad agency to inquire about creating a large billboard downtown. He meets with an account executive and explains his need: "We have a good business, but I just feel like most people have never heard of ...

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?

A glad-he-ate-her.

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The Romans had an unusual sexual fetish for Jesus

One time, they even nailed him on a cross.

Why did the Romans bring bleach to Jesus’s crucifixion?

To prevent cross contamination.

What mouse was a roman emperor?

Julius Cheeser

I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.

Not on my watch.

Some guy just tried to tell me i can't be 443 years old and i don't undertand roman numerals

i'm LIVID

My History teacher got so angry that I couldn't translate the sequence 50,1,5,1,500 into Roman Numerals

You could almost say he was Livid.

Who the heck cares about learning the Roman Numeral system?

I for one...

[NSFW] What did the Roman say the first time he went to a brothel?

Vidi. Vici. Veni.

The Roman soldiers surrounded Jesus as he was nearing his last breath atop the large hill, affixed to the cross.

His disciples were at the bottom of the hill along with a large crowd as they wept for Jesus. Suddenly Jesus raised his head and shouted out, “Peter! Peter! Come forth!”

Peter was in disbelief that Jesus would summon him and he knew that he had to fight past the guards to see what Jesus’s mes...

A Roman soldier went down on Messalina, the wife of Emperor Claudius. He knew he was risking death, nevertheless he was

glad he ate her

Three men die and are at the pearly gates ...

St Peter explains to them that, while in the old days God demanded that only Christians who closely studied the Bible could get into Heaven, times have changed and requirements have been relaxed. These days, you only need to know the basics.
St Peter turns to the first man and says, "if you can...

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A roman soldier was looking at his shadow

"Oh shit, I'm late!"

Two Roman gladiators are talking....

The one guy says, "Guess how many women I've slept with?"

The second guy goes, "Mmmm..."

The first dude goes, "Are you serious?! I'd be dead!"

My government recently announced they're phasing out Roman numerals...

Not on my watch.

A cowboy and a Roman soldier walked to a bar, and the bartender is deaf....

... The cowboy wanted 4 beers, so he showed 4 fingers and the roman soldier wanted 4 beers so he showed 3 fingers

How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?

Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.

Why did all the Romans go to prison?

Because their X’s were all 10.

What did the Roman's do, when they heard that Jesus came back from the dead?

REPOST

Roman Sailors

Roman sailors always replied to a command by saying, "2, sir".

A Roman walks into a bar.

He goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Bacardus and Coke."

The bartender, confused, asks "Don't you mean a Bacardi and Coke?"

The Roman rolls his eyes and responds "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for one."

I lit a firework the other day but it turned into a molten plastic mess

It was a Roman Ken doll.

A roman soldier was guarding a crossroads when Senator Churry approached.

"Do you know the way to the Coliseum?", asked Churry.

The soldier pointed straight ahead.

After that, the Roman sent Churry on.

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When were ancient Roman women the sexiest?

When they turned XXX.

A Roman Famine

Long ago in Ancient Rome, there was a great famine all across the land. As food became ever more scarce many people found themselves tightening their belts to get by. And inevitably, a man was taken to court for the crime of having committed cannibalism against his wife.

Due to the horrific n...

What did Roman say on Good Friday?

"Nailed it."

A recent archeological dig has uncovered a set of 2300 year old Roman gold rings, with a small golden figure of a Tick attatched to it, missing all its legs...

Archeologists originally believed it to be simple wear and tear, until it was discovered there were no signs of soldering on the bodies of the golden ticks, indicating they were intentionally made legless. A professor on the scene theorized that these rings were a gesture of romantic interest or a p...

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Going home from the pub

Joseph and Diarmid are drinking in a pub having a fine old time when the proprietor calls for last round.

Joseph looks up and says. "Well, I'll be havin a last Guiness and then I'll sneak home."

"Sneak home?" Asks Diarmid. "What are you on about?"

"Well, you know how it go...

Greek vs. Italian

Two old men are arguing about the history and the splendors of Athens and Rome.

The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek...

Who performed the Imperial Roman version of "Can't Touch This"?

1100 Hammer

Why are 490 Romans funny?

Because XD

Murphy’s Nails

Two brothers start up a company that manufactures nails, one is in charge of sales and the other marketing. They needed a commercial, so the one in charge of marketing got to work.

A few weeks later he excitedly shows the footage to his brother. It starts with a wide shot of a mob of people ...

Roman numerals, ey...

What are they good IV?

A Roman guy walks into a bar

He holds up the peace sign and says “I’ll take 5 shots please”

I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159

Then it just CLIX.

The Ancient Romans were debating how to count things

Their city state was already hundreds of years old, and their Republic was barrelling down the pathway to Empire: but they still hadn't decided fully how to count things.

The Senate was a blaze of fury as populares and optimates rowed over the proper way to measure and record all things numer...

How do you arrest a Roman woman?

Caesar.

Who Wants to Learn Roman Numerals??

Well, I for one..

My friend told me she doesn't like Roman Numerals because you can't make puns from them.

I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.

After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.

"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."

Two Romans talking

Roman I: "There are X kinds of programmers"
Roman II: "What's programmers?"

My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay (NSFW)

I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra

I got stabbed 23 times

Fun fact: did you know that HIV is actually Roman for “high five”?

Pass it on – or, rather, don’t.

A group of politicians are flying over Italy...

The mayor from Pisa exclaims "We're flying over Pisa!"
"How can you tell?" the others ask.

"Look, you can see the Leaning Tower!"
Later, a Roman parliamentarian shouts "We're flying over beautiful Roma!"
How can you tell?" the others ask.
"Look, you can see the Coliseum!"<...

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Two Romans have a Conversation.

"Hey man, what year is it?"

"35 before Christ"

"Who the hell is that?"

"I have no fucking Idea"

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What did they sing at the wedding between the Roman Catholic and the Ashkenazi Jew?

Oy Vey Maria

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