What did the Roman say when his wife was eaten by a tiger?

Gladiator

A Roman walks into a bar and says "I want a martinus"

The confused bartender asks "You mean a martini?"

The roman replies "If I need a second one I will tell you".

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says..

Five Beers, please!

Algebra was easy for the Romans.

X was always 10.

Two Roman men are talking...

Roman guy 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with.

Roman guy 2: Mmm?

Roman guy 1: Don't be ridiculous, not that many.

I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.

Not on my watch.

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A roman soldier was looking at his shadow

"Oh shit, I'm late!"

My government recently announced they're phasing out Roman numerals...

Not on my watch.

A Roman Legionnaire walks into a bar.

The bartender asks "What can I get you?" to which the Legionnaire replied: "A Martinum please".

The bartender looked puzzled, "Don't you mean a Martini?"

The legionnaire snapped back with "If I wanted a f*cking double I'd ask for one!"

I just stole 50 roman soldiers.

I guess you could say I took an L there.

64AD: Nero bans the practice of christianity through the roman empire

christians: i can’t believe this

romans: correct

People criticize the Roman that had to crucify Jesus...

...but I think he nailed it.

What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?

Gladiator.

A recent archeological dig has uncovered a set of 2300 year old Roman gold rings, with a small golden figure of a Tick attatched to it, missing all its legs...

Archeologists originally believed it to be simple wear and tear, until it was discovered there were no signs of soldering on the bodies of the golden ticks, indicating they were intentionally made legless. A professor on the scene theorized that these rings were a gesture of romantic interest or a p...

How does a Roman get buff?

Appian Whey

A roman soldier was guarding a crossroads when Senator Churry approached.

"Do you know the way to the Coliseum?", asked Churry.

The soldier pointed straight ahead.

After that, the Roman sent Churry on.

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars!

A Roman walks into a bar.

He goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Bacardus and Coke."

The bartender, confused, asks "Don't you mean a Bacardi and Coke?"

The Roman rolls his eyes and responds "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for one."

A cowboy and a Roman soldier walked to a bar, and the bartender is deaf....

... The cowboy wanted 4 beers, so he showed 4 fingers and the roman soldier wanted 4 beers so he showed 3 fingers

Two Roman gladiators are talking....

The one guy says, "Guess how many women I've slept with?"

The second guy goes, "Mmmm..."

The first dude goes, "Are you serious?! I'd be dead!"

A Roman Famine

Long ago in Ancient Rome, there was a great famine all across the land. As food became ever more scarce many people found themselves tightening their belts to get by. And inevitably, a man was taken to court for the crime of having committed cannibalism against his wife.

Due to the horrific n...

Why wasn't there any McDonald's in the Roman Empire

There was too much Greece

Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?

They got lost at C

The Roman soldiers surrounded Jesus as he was nearing his last breath atop the large hill, affixed to the cross.

His disciples were at the bottom of the hill along with a large crowd as they wept for Jesus. Suddenly Jesus raised his head and shouted out, “Peter! Peter! Come forth!”

Peter was in disbelief that Jesus would summon him and he knew that he had to fight past the guards to see what Jesus’s mes...

I can't remember how to write 1, 100, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman Numerals.

IM LIVID

What do you get when you cross a Roman emperor with a covid pandemic?

Julius Sneezer

A pirate captain says to his 3 crewmates, "Let's learn Roman numerals!"

The first one says, "Aye."

The second one adds, "Aye aye."

The third one finishes, "Aye aye aye."

Why did all the Romans go to prison?

Because their X’s were all 10.

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.

"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."

Helvetica and Times New Roman walked into a bar

Helvetica and Times New Roman walked into a bar. “We don’t serve your type!” said the bartender

Two Romans talking

Roman I: "There are X kinds of programmers"
Roman II: "What's programmers?"

My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay (NSFW)

I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra

I got stabbed 23 times

There was once a man called Ia'Tor living just outside Roman territory. All his life, he was grumpy and angry, to the point that people started calling him Sullen Ia'Tor. One day, a Roman legion passed through his area, and captured this barbarian in the name of civilizing him.

While those around him despaired and wailed as they were trained for combat, he was actually enjoying something for the first time. By the time he first stepped into the arena, he was known as... Glad Ia'Tor.

A Protestant missionary is in India trying to convert Hindus to Christianity

He teaches a Hindu man about Christianity and gives him a Bible.

He comes back a week later and sees a picture of the pope among all the other gods at the man's house.

"Why do you have a picture of the pope there?"

"Isn't he the reincarnation of Jesus?"

The missionary tol...

What do you call a Roman gigilo?

Julius Pleaser

Why did the Romans bring bleach to Jesus’s crucifixion?

To prevent cross contamination.

The most admirable quality of Greek and Roman culture:

their ability to give terms to scientific phenomenon centuries before they were discovered.

What did the Roman's do, when they heard that Jesus came back from the dead?

REPOST

Who the heck cares about learning the Roman Numeral system?

I for one...

The Ancient Romans were debating how to count things

Their city state was already hundreds of years old, and their Republic was barrelling down the pathway to Empire: but they still hadn't decided fully how to count things.

The Senate was a blaze of fury as populares and optimates rowed over the proper way to measure and record all things numer...

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What did they sing at the wedding between the Roman Catholic and the Ashkenazi Jew?

Oy Vey Maria

4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar

The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"

A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren’t very supportive. They kept telling him to “Get with the times...

New Roman.”

A Roman guy walks into a bar

He holds up the peace sign and says “I’ll take 5 shots please”

New Pope

There were two Roman Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in High School.
...

What did the Roman physicist say when he saw Jesus hanging from the cross, just a few feet off the ground?

I don't see much potential

Who performed the Imperial Roman version of "Can't Touch This"?

1100 Hammer

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

You may be surprised to know that Roman numerals are actually very easy to do Algebra with

X is always equal to 10.

So a Roman walks into a bar...

He makes a 'two' sign with his index and middle finger and says :

I'd like five beers please.

Contrary to popular myth, Caesar wasn't killed by the Roman senate. He died of a heart attack when he heard of Barcelona's spectacular loss. His last words were however accurate....

8-2, brutus?

[NSFW] What did the Roman say the first time he went to a brothel?

Vidi. Vici. Veni.

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

Very punny! ;)

A Roman soldier was guarding a cross roads in ancient Britain, when a druid walks up.

The Roman stops him and asks, "What is your name and where are you going, pleb?"

"My name is Churry and I am to meet your General in Londinium."

He thought for a moment, and then the Roman sent Churry on.

One day during a war....

A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.

Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."

The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wil...

Roman numerals, ey...

What are they good IV?

Roman soldier

How did the starving male slave forced to compete in ancient Roman death matches for entertainment feel after cannibalizing the largely portioned female oppressor?

Gladiator.

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An old Greek man and an old Italian man are arguing. The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"

The Greek man says "...

The local hospital hired a Roman nurse!

Complications arose when the IV was issued to bed #4.

What language did ancient Roman police speak?

Pig Latin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When were ancient Roman women the sexiest?

When they turned XXX.

How do Romans make arts and crafts?

With Caesars and gluesticks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross.....

His disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, “Peter, come hither!”

Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a coffee shop one afternoon discussing who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to philosophy.

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the G...

A young american man was digging a massive pit for a Roman Catholic graveyard.

At 10 AM, he saw a priest leading a congregation to a nearby clearing with a wooden pedestal. The priest preached and the group listened intently. After an hour, they left.

The young man asks his supervisor, "Why are they praying on an empty field?"

His supervisor replied, "they were p...

Jesus waves at a Samaritan, and the Samaritan waves back. What happened when he waves at a Roman?

He left him hanging.

I asked my Roman friend for a HI FIVE

He gave me HI V

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A group of fighters from the Roman Colosseum were hired out to rich Romans as prostitutes. One so impressed an influential Roman noble with his oral skills that she began to work on getting him freed.

In the end he was gladiator.

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What did the horny Roman say to his girlfriend?

Wanna LXIX tonight?

What was the most popular book store in the Roman Empire?

Barnestantinoble

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can anything be extra virgin?

This is a long story, you might want to sit down.

Back in the glory days of the Roman Republic, they had six Vestal Virgins who served the goddess Vesta. One year several died of a plague, and it was essential that the number be brought back up to 6 so the various rites could be performed, l...

A young roman boy spoke his last words as he was being crucified.

"I'm used to getting hammered but this wasn't quite what I was expecting"

A Roman guy enters a bar and asks for two drinks by gesturing.

The bartender gives him 5.

Where does the Roman stop eating his watermelon?

At the Rhine.

The Greeks invented the threesome

But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.

What do you call an epileptic Roman?

Seizure salad.

A lot of people find Roman numerals to be confusing, but I for one

V for 5, X for 10, L for 50...

What did the Romans say after a good crucifixion?

Nailed it.

Math(s)

Teacher: What goes into 13 twice?
Me: Roman Polanski
🤓

What's this "✌"?

A Roman ordering 5 more beers.

joke by Art Pozner. He told me I could take it with me, and in his honor, you can take it with you.

Why did the Roman woman never win Hide & Seek?

Because Julius Caesar.

How does the Roman dictator know that the girl is wearing a red dress?

He Caesar

I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159

Then it just CLIX.

What does broke Marc Antony say?

“Friends, Romans, countrymen, I’m in arrears.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A roman, an american, and a jewish man all died.

They were immediately sent to hell because they had committed some pretty unsettling offenses in their lives. The roman was a lustful sex offender, the american was extremely gluttonous, and the Jewish man was very greedy and stole lots of money over his lifetime.

Well, God was feeling pretty...

A high Roman here

IV XX yeah!

The roman numeral system has always been confusing to me.

I will never understand why they use I, for one, but not V for Vendetta.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you imagine how awesome ancient Roman porn names would be?

"Anus Maximus Vaginus"

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