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Roman Jokes

What did the Roman say when his wife was eaten by a tiger?

Gladiator

Why wasn't there any McDonald's in the Roman Empire

There was too much Greece

A Roman walks into a bar

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up 2 fingers and says, "Five beers please."

Why didn't the Romans find algebra very difficult?

Because X was always 10

My daughter has a math test on Roman numerals.

I told her I hope she gets a "C".

Why are 490 Romans funny?

Because XD

Who is in favour of bringing Roman numerals back into use?

I for one.

How do you arrest a Roman woman?

Caesar.

4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar

The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"

My Roman doctor said I needed an IV.

I asked: “For what?”

The cost of joining the Roman Numeral Society was exactly $499

They wouldn't let me in because I didn't have ID...

How do you cut the Roman Empire in half?

With a pair of Caesars!

Pirate Leader: Can someone tell me how to write 2 in Roman numerals?

Crew: I I Captain.

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals

I M LIVID

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

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A Roman centurion goes to the movie theater. When the movie's over, he asks for a refund.

"No one told me that my movie was going to be a pornographic one," the centurion tells the ticket-taker.

The ticket-taker says, "Sir, look at the marquee. It says right here what kind of movies we play here."

Looking back up at the marquee, the centurion responds "You lie! There are ...

Two Roman men are talking...

Roman guy 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with.

Roman guy 2: Mmm?

Roman guy 1: Don't be ridiculous, not that many.

My dad recently told me a joke that was based on Ancient Roman Numerals.

I for one thought it very funny.

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Two Romans have a Conversation.

"Hey man, what year is it?"

"35 before Christ"

"Who the hell is that?"

"I have no fucking Idea"

Never give a Roman a high five.

Or he'll give you a HIV.

People criticize the Roman that had to crucify Jesus...

...but I think he nailed it.

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What did horny Caesar told Roman Senate?

I came; I saw; I came.

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Roman Jews

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to
convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from
the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a
religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews
won, they could sta...

I struggle with Roman numerals...

Until I get to 159.
Then it just CLIX

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When the Romans Conquered Britain

In the mid 1st century CE one of the problems they did not anticipate was the rampant fraud being conducted in the bronze trade. Tradesmen who shaped the metal would buy it from merchants who bought it from the miners in the form of bars of bronze, already mixed from copper and tin.

The...

What do you name a dyslexic Roman?

Ramon

An Ancient Roman walks into a bar.

He sits down and says

"I'll have a martinus please."

"Don't you mean a martini?" The bartender asks

The Ancient Roman replies

"If I wanted a double I would have asked for it."

The Government are looking to stop doing Roman numerals on clocks!

Not on my watch

There's a man named Johnson who owns a nail company, Johnson Nails.

Business had been slow lately, so Johnson figures he might want to try putting out a youtube video to drum up some business.

He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Jim who assures him he can make the perfect ad for Johnson's company. He tells Johnson to come back the nex...

The Greeks invented the threesome

But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.

Just woke up from a dream about Roman numerals 5, 4, 1, and 500.

It was VIVID.

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3500 years ago, the Greeks discovered that you couldn't get pregnant through anal sex.

700 years later, the Romans discovered that it also worked with women.

Two Roman Soldiers

2 Roman Soldiers are guarding an outpost, and begin bragging about their luck with women. The first soldier says to the other: "Dude, you wouldn't believe how many ladies I've gotten with just this month?

2nd soldier: "Mmm?"

1st soldier: "ok, well not *that* many."

What do you call a frightened Roman emperor that speaks rhymes to the beat of music?

Chicken Caesar Wrap

What roman never gets any dates?

Hidius

I used to wonder why my history teachers loved to teach about the Roman Empire so much. I think I get it now.

They both hated vandals and goths.

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

What did roman soldier say on a Good Friday?

Nailed it!

Why shouldn't you study French philosophy before Roman poetry?

Because that would be putting Descarte before the Horace.

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Turning 30 was a lot sexier in Roman times

XXX

What did the hospital give the critical Roman patient?

A four.

The Roman version of Demeter is Ceres.

And the American version of Demeter is Da yard.

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A Roman girl has sex with 500 guys.

She wanted the D.

What mouse was a roman emperor?

Julius Cheeser

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When were ancient Roman women the sexiest?

When they turned XXX.

A guy asks his Roman friend what size a shirt is.

He looks at the XL on the tag and says, "it's a size 40."

Roman Dating

Caesar and Brutus were chatting over a goblet of wine one day.

Caesar says, "I had a hot date with a girl from Egypt that I met the other night."

Brutus asks, "What was her name?"

Caesar says, "Cleopatra."

Brutus asks, "How did the date go? "

Caesar answers, "vidi ...

After learning about Roman Numerals, no wonder they had so many orgies:

...the sixty-nine position took 4 people!

How does a Roman sailor salute a superior officer?

2, captain

I once had a beautiful Roman girlfriend

She was a solid X

Two Roman gladiators are talking....

The one guy says, "Guess how many women I've slept with?"

The second guy goes, "Mmmm..."

The first dude goes, "Are you serious?! I'd be dead!"

I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.

Not on my watch.

Roman Sailors

Roman sailors always replied to a command by saying, "2, sir".

Why was the dieting Roman so thrilled?

His toga size went from L to XL.

What do you call a Roman who just went down on his girlfriend?

Glad he ate her...
Are you not entertained?

When in rome do what the romans do!

when in vegas do what the vegans do!

A couple Roman soldiers walk into a bar.

The buddies order drinks and start chatting.

John: I heard somewhere your name is actually Kevin? But I know you as Ken?

Ken: That is correct.

John: How does one get Ken from Kevin?

Ken: Easy, I'm not six anymore.

A Roman Catholic priest, a Southern Baptist minister, and a Rabbi were all at a bar...

They were all arguing over who could convert the most followers to his respective religion.

A rather drunk man at the bar yells, "Anyone can convert a person! It takes real skill to convert a bear!"

The three religious mean agree, and set out to prove who could most effectively convert...

A pirate captain asks his first mate "Find out what be the Roman numeral for the two"

"Aye aye! " responds the first mate

Why were all Roman buildings made of stone?

They crucified the carpenter.

Some guy just tried to tell me i can't be 443 years old and i don't undertand roman numerals

i'm LIVID

My History teacher got so angry that I couldn't translate the sequence 50,1,5,1,500 into Roman Numerals

You could almost say he was Livid.

What did the roman dad name his fat newborn?

Voluminous.

What did Jesus say to the Romans?

Hey, can you put me up for a few nights?

Why did the Roman Army cross the road?

They were crucifying Jesus

Helvetika and Times New Roman walk into a bar.....

"Get out of here!" shouts the bartender. "We don't serve your type!"

What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?

The strength of the communion wine.

Anyone a fan of Roman Numeral puns?

I, for one, am a huge fan of them

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A roman soldier was looking at his shadow

"Oh shit, I'm late!"

A recent archeological dig has uncovered a set of 2300 year old Roman gold rings, with a small golden figure of a Tick attatched to it, missing all its legs...

Archeologists originally believed it to be simple wear and tear, until it was discovered there were no signs of soldering on the bodies of the golden ticks, indicating they were intentionally made legless. A professor on the scene theorized that these rings were a gesture of romantic interest or a p...

A cowboy and a Roman soldier walked to a bar, and the bartender is deaf....

... The cowboy wanted 4 beers, so he showed 4 fingers and the roman soldier wanted 4 beers so he showed 3 fingers

What do you call a Roman soldier with a hair stuck between his teeth?

Glad-He-Ate-Her

Two nuns are riding their bikes through some old Roman streets.

“I’ve never come this way before," the younger nun says.

The older one replies, "It's the cobblestones."

Who performed the Imperial Roman version of "Can't Touch This"?

1100 Hammer

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Man goes on holiday to Italy

A guy walks into a barbershop and sits in the chair.

The barber asks, “Are you going anywhere on holiday this year?”

Guy replies, “Yes actually, my wife and I are going to Italy.”

Barber says, “Why you going there? It’s rubbish!”

Guy says, “Well, the weather is supposed t...

There was once a man called Ia'Tor living just outside Roman territory. All his life, he was grumpy and angry, to the point that people started calling him Sullen Ia'Tor. One day, a Roman legion passed through his area, and captured this barbarian in the name of civilizing him.

While those around him despaired and wailed as they were trained for combat, he was actually enjoying something for the first time. By the time he first stepped into the arena, he was known as... Glad Ia'Tor.

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Can you imagine how awesome ancient Roman porn names would be?

"Anus Maximus Vaginus"

Dad Joke: What do you call a Roman with a cold?

Julius Sneezar

A roman soldier was guarding a crossroads when Senator Churry approached.

"Do you know the way to the Coliseum?", asked Churry.

The soldier pointed straight ahead.

After that, the Roman sent Churry on.

A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren’t very supportive. They kept telling him to “Get with the times...

New Roman.”

Why is there so much hate around Roman Numeral Jokes?

I, for one, like Roman numerals

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A roman, an american, and a jewish man all died.

They were immediately sent to hell because they had committed some pretty unsettling offenses in their lives. The roman was a lustful sex offender, the american was extremely gluttonous, and the Jewish man was very greedy and stole lots of money over his lifetime.

Well, God was feeling pretty...

Why did the Roman woman never win Hide & Seek?

Because Julius Caesar.

After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.

"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."

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