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Mexican Jokes

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A Black Man, a Mexican, and a White Man Got Lost Canoeing.

They reached an island ruled by terrorists. The terrorists wanted to kill the entire crew. However, after seeing the white man, the terrorists had a proposal. If the combined length of the mens' penises measured 1 foot, then the men would be set free. The Black man's dick measured 6 inches. The Whit...

3 Mexicans tried to cross the border,but only 2 got through.Why?

There was a sign that said no tres passing.

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A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

T...

A white guy, a black guy, and a mexican guy applying for the same job......

The boss looks over their resumes, sees they are all equally qualified, and can't decide who to hire. He decides to give them a test.

Boss: Fellas, I can't decide who gets the job, you are all equal in
every way. So here's a question, whoever gives me the best
an...

How does every Mexican joke start?

By looking over your shoulder.

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What do you call a Mexican women with three boobs?

Tres Leches

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says "uno, dos..." *poof*. He disappeared without a tres.

How many Mexicans does it take to fix a car?

Only Juan.

What do you call a spicy Mexican sauce made with consecrated water?

Holy Mole

What did one Mexican cannibal say to the other Mexican cannibal?

Bet you can’t eat just Juan!

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

TEQUILA!

How many Mexicans?

How many Mexicans does it take to...

Holy sh\*\* they're already done.

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A Mexican, a Spaniard and an American are all travelling in a plane

When suddenly, the plane crashed onto a small island. The three emerged from the crash remains and noticed they're the only survivors.

They quickly organized and started gathering materials to survive when suddenly, a group of native cannibals surrounded them with spears and took them to the...

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Bill Gates woke up in the morning and found that his Mexican housekeepers were gone.

He asked his wife Melinda where they went, who replied that Steve Jobs showed up earlier and offered them the same work at his mansion for double their previous wage.
Bill became furious. "Fucking Jobs, coming here and taking our immigrants!"

Did you hear about the Mexican fireman that had twins?

He named one José.

He named the other one hose B.

I informed my Mexican friend that I had eaten their leftover cheese.

They replied, "K, so?"

What do Mexicans use to cut pizzas?

Little Ceasers

Why did the Mexican take anxiety medication?

For Hispanic attacks.

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What do Mexican porn and Christianity have in common?

They both have Jesus coming

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A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store. He decides to go in, because he has never seen one before.

He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "Fuck you, get out, stay out!"

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one."

A Mexican politician and an American politician are having dinner

They are eating at the American politician's house. A 6 bedroom house with a 2 Mercedes Benz at the front. And a 500 square foot garden.

The Mexican politician remarked how nice his house was and how he was able to afford it.

The American politician said: "see that highway over there?...

Who runs Mexican Amazon?

Jeff Pesos

It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it h...

...What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto!

What do you call a Mexican guy who lost his car

Car-loss

Did you hear about the Mexican George Michael tribute act?

He's called Carlos Whisper

Why was Seal’s face covered in Mexican rice?

Because he was kissed by arroz.

Why do Mexicans cross the border in pairs?

The sign says "No trespassing"

Why did the Mexican train conductor get arrested?

He had Loco motives

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I got kicked out of a restaurant for having improper dress. Reminds me of a funny story.

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, and Austrailian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese...

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball together?

Juan on Juan

I want to open an Aerosmith-themed mexican restaurant

...and call it 'Guac This Way'

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a famous Mexican restaurateur, entered the 6th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" said the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teac...

A Mexican man was visiting America

He wanted to go to a genuine American baseball game so that when he went home, he could tell his family all about it, but when he got there the game was sold out, so he climbed to the top of the flag pole to get a good look. "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in th...

Did you hear about the Mexican dish that was framed for murder?

His lawyers are claiming it was a quesa-mistaken-identidilla.

My dog decided to join the Mexican Wrestling circuit.

I guess it was his dream to become a Puchador.

What do Mexicans call a Catholic handgun?

Epistle

If Trump wins the election, Mexicans be like..

[removed]

What do you call a Mexican in space?

An astronaut you racist

How do you know God is Mexican?

Who else would name their son Jesus?

what does a dyslexic Mexican smoke?

Tabasco

I’ve started saying “mucho” to all of my Mexican coworkers.

It means a lot to them.

What do you call a Mexican drowning in mayonaisse?

Sinko de Mayo

What happened to the old mexican when he moved from Houston to Santa Fe?

He became a New Mexican

what's a Mexicans favourite type of joke?

Juan liners

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

Hispanic Attacks

What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?

Quattro Cinco! =]

How many people will be offended if you tell a Mexican joke?

At least Juan...

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A Japanese guy and Mexican guy get into an argument

Things start getting really heated and the Mexican guy says "Let's take this outside !!!" The Japanese guy says "Let's go, but I'll warn you, I know Judo !!!" The Mexican guy says "O ya, well I know Mexican Judo." The Japanese guy looks confused and says "What the hell is Mexican Judo ?!?" The Mexic...

What do you call a short Mexican?

A paragraph, cuz he's not quite an ese

Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same....

Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal...

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In Texas, close to the border with Mexico, there was a priest who hated Mexicans

That Sunday, after reading the Bible, the priest started his sermon:

"Today we'll reflect on Peter's lie about being a follower of Jesus. That night, Peter acted as a coward and a liar, just like these damn Mexicans we see every day in this town!"

The whole congregation started to shou...

A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.

He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him.

The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand.

He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. <...

When the Mexican guy forgot his ticket to the water park, the employee let him in anyway

“Typically I’m a stickler about this sort of thing,” he remarked “But I’m gonna let this Juan slide.”

What do you call a Mexican girl with no ass?

A flatina.

What day of the week do Mexicans play D&D?

THAC0 Tuesday

Did you ever hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

Mexican word of the day: Chicken Finger

I caught my wife cheating on me, I don't need her no more, Chicken Finger herself

Why did the Mexican fail his writing class?

Because he refused to turn in his essay!

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Why is Trump so keen to build a wall to keep out Mexican rapists?

He's afraid of the competition.

What is something you want to hear in Christmas But not in a Mexican prison?

Jesus loves you

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

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A Mexican on his bicycle crosses the border with a large sack.

The border patrol agent stops and asks him what’s in the sack. “Sir, it’s just grass.” The agent looks into the sack and lets him pass. The following week, the Mexican crosses the border again on his bicycle with another sack and the border patrol agent stops and asks him what’s in the sack. “Sir, i...

A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.

During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,

"Jesus died for your scenes."

A cowboy and a Mexican man are at a bar.

The cowboy takes a shot, slams the glass down and yells "T.G.I.F!"

The Mexican man looks over at the cowboy, takes a shot, slams the glass down and yells "S.P.I.T!"

The cowboy looks back over at the Mexican man, takes another shot, slams down the glass again and yells "T.G.I.F!"
...

I showed my Mexican friends I know a little Spanish by saying "mucho" and they seemed really flattered

...they said it meant a lot to them.

A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family.

Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.

What do you call a Mexican who transitions?

Señor Rita

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

What do you call Tinker Bells Mexican cousin?

Taco bell.

I want to open a Thai/Mexican/Korean fusion restaurant

It will be called Thai Cuando.

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I’ll see you on Tuesday!

There was this teacher who taught 5th grade History at a little school in little suburbia. Every Friday at the end of class, she would speak a famous quote and ask the class with “Who said that?” Whoever the first student who answered correctly was told they could skip class on Monday.

There ...

I want to hire a Mexican, An Italian and a Russian

To show up at my funeral in black suits and say "thank you boss", then leave.
Just so that my Family and Friends would think I had something Big going on.

What would you call Cyborg if he was Mexican?

Cyborge.

Why did the crazy Mexican train driver run over the station master?

Because he had a locomotive

A Mexican guy and his pet otter go to a restaurant . . .

A Mexican guy and his pet otter go to a restaurant, sit down at a table, and place their order. They are in for an early dinner and are the only customers. The chef looks down at the order slip and says incredulously: “who comes to a restaurant and orders a whole raw fish?”. His sous chef scans the ...

What do you call a Mexican / Soul Food Restaurant?

Nacho Mama's

Why are Mexican train conductors so hard to convict?

Because they always have loco motives.

Cheddar, Gouda, Parmesan, Swiss, just making sure this will be the cheesiest post ever!

In order to stop accusations of racism, Trump decides to hire a Mexican immigrant

However, he doesn't feel confortable having him as an employee and calls him over in his office.

Juan: "Why you call me, jefe ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que ?! Why ?!!"


Trump: "Because....uh... Because you didn't finish high school!"

Juan: "Oh, no pro...

The last man alive will be Mexican

He'll be the only Juan left

what's the Mexican version of a car show?

Cartell

My neighbors have a band playing Mexican music since 6pm it is now 9:45pm. I couldn't take it anymore....

I had to go get chips and salsa.

Captain

A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's liberty.The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner: “Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's coming of age party. I would li...

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?

No whey Jose.

What Mexican snack do you eat at night?

Quesanoches.

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An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.

The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"



The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"



The American ...

What souns does a mexican duck make?

Guac

Did you hear about the dyslexic Mexican that walked into a bra?

No?

I'll get my taco

A mexican man was struck through the chest with a golf ball.

They called it a hole in Juan.

I watched a singles match between two Mexican fighters the other day

It was Juan-on-Juan

The teacher told his Mexican student to turn in his essay...

To which he replied, "Nah, man. I ain't no snitch."

A Mexican man was found dead at the bottom of a lake.

He was tied up, had chains wrapped around him, and had seven bullet wounds.

When the local sheriff was asked what had happened, the sheriff replied, “It is truly the worst damn case of suicide I’ve ever seen.”

What's a Mexican's favourite book?

Tequila Mockingbird

How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans?

Juan by Juan.

U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts:

“Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of
America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter....

Joke my 12 year old son made up: What do you call it when you throw Mexican food at high velocity?

Fa-yeet-a

Carlos was the proud owner of a Mexican Bed & Breakfast in Cancun...

It was founded by his Great-grandfather in the 1800s. He had come to Mexico from Spain and bought the run-down place with a loan from from a businessman back home. Through hard work and sheer determination, he had built the place up to a relatively successful B&B.

After his death, he lef...

Mexican Custodian

A Mexican custodian finishes mopping the lobby floor. A young girl enters the lobby with her eyes glued to her smartphone.

"Miss," the Mexican custodian says, "the floor is wet."

The girl looks up from her phone with a bored expression. "K," she replies.

"Miss," the Mexican cu...

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Why did the blonde college student have sex with a Mexican?

Her English professor told her to do an essay.

What do Mexicans think about Trumps wall?

They'll get over it.

What Mexican dessert are children scared of?

El Chupacobbler

An American and Mexican business men talk about getting rich

There is a conference in DC and a Mexican and American guy meet and talk about highway infrastructure projects. The American invites the Mexican to his home. They show up in a Cadillac where the American invites him inside and they go up to the second story balcony. He points below and says, see tha...

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Translation attempt: A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian compete with the Devil to see who gets out of hell

The Devil tells the three of them that whoever can fool him gets out of hell.

The Canadian is first. He is a good guy who never plays jokes on people, so he takes out a coin and makes a pretty basic magic trick. The Devil vaporizes him.

The American is next.

He walks towards th...

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