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Mexican Jokes

3 Mexicans tried to cross the border,but only 2 got through.Why?

There was a sign that said no tres passing.
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A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

T...

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...
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How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Juan
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How does every Mexican joke start?

By looking over your shoulder.
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If Trump wins the election, Mexicans be like..

[removed]
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Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?

For hispanic attacks
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What do you call a Mexican guy who's car broke down?

Joaquin
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Bill Gates woke up in the morning and found that his Mexican housekeepers were gone.

He asked his wife Melinda where they went, who replied that Steve Jobs showed up earlier and offered them the same work at his mansion for double their previous wage.
Bill became furious. "Fucking Jobs, coming here and taking our immigrants!"

Did you ever hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives
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A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...
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How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans?

Juan by Juan.
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A Mexican politician and an American politician are having dinner

They are eating at the American politician's house. A 6 bedroom house with a 2 Mercedes Benz at the front. And a 500 square foot garden.

The Mexican politician remarked how nice his house was and how he was able to afford it.

The American politician said: "see that highway over there?...
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My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication

It's for Hispanic attacks
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What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who runs out of protein?

No Whey José.
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An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.

The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"



The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"



The American ...

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says "uno, dos..." *poof*. He disappeared without a tres.
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Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

Hispanic Attacks
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How do we know that the US founding fathers were pro-mexican?

The national anthem doesn't say: "Hey Frank, look over there!"
Instead it says: "Jose can you see."
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Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same....

Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal...
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How many Mexicans?

How many Mexicans does it take to...

Holy sh\*\* they're already done.
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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

Who runs Mexican Amazon?

Jeff Pesos

It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it h...
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Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?

Because the sign says No Tres passing
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Why is Trump so keen to build a wall to keep out Mexican rapists?

He's afraid of the competition.

How does a Mexican cut a pizza?

With *little* *caesars*
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My Mexican friend told me “I only know one sentence in English.”

When I asked him what it was, he said “QuĂ©?”
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A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.

During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,

"Jesus died for your scenes."
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A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.

He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him.

The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand.

He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. <...
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A Mexican man is found unresponsive...

A Mexican man is found unresponsive on the roadway outside Tijuana.
Local authorities call for an ambulance and he is rushed to the nearest hospital.
Unfortunately, the doctors determine that he has consumed a lethal amount of drugs and there is nothing they can do to save him. He dies within ...
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Why does the Mexican guy take xanax?

For hispanic attacks
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A man notices a Mexican bookstore

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before.

He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "Fuck you!! Get out, and stay out!!"

The man replies, ...

I'll never understand why people say Taco Bell isn't "real" Mexican food.

It gets the job done for half the price. That's about as Mexican as it gets.
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An Italian, a Mexican, and a Blonde American are working construction.

The three men eat lunch together each day at the top of the building they are constructing.

The Italian opens his lunchbox and exclaims "Seriously!? Spaghetti again? If my wife packs this one more time, I swear I'm jumping off this building."

The Mexican opens his too. "Tacos again? ...

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States...

Wandering aimlessly and starving, They are about to lie down and accept their death when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune,...
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What do you call a fight between a Mexican and a white man with no girlfriend?

Alien vs Redditor
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A Mexican man sneaks across the border to watch his favorite football team play...

...and makes it all the way to the stadium. He doesn't have tickets so he finds a large pole to climb up on and jumps down into the top of the bleachers to get a bird-eye view of the game.

After the game was over and his buddies ask him how the game was back in Mexico he replies:

"I do...
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A teenager rolled up to the Mexican border on a bike...

He had a sack of sand in his hand.

"What's in the sack?" asked the border patrol officer

"Just sand," said the kid.

The officer didn't believe him, so he opened the sack up to find just sand. The officer dumped the sack empty and dug through it but he only saw sand. He even took...
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What did one Mexican cannibal say to the other Mexican cannibal?

Bet you can’t eat just Juan!
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What do you call a Mexican women with three boobs?

Tres Leches

A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family.

Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.
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Ran into a Mexican woman on the bus today.

After talking for a bit she told me that she had twin sons, Juan and Emal, and she was so proud of them! Juan was the CEO of a big law firm down town, and his brother Emal owned a restaurant where she was heading for lunch.

She happily reached into her purse to show me a picture and said, “T...
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What do Mexicans think about Trumps wall?

They'll get over it.
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

“How was he killed” asked one detective. “With a golf gun.” Replied the second detective.

“A golf gun? What’s a golf gun?”

“I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan”
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What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?

quatro sinko
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The Mexican maid askes for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

Wife: "Now Juanita, why do you want a pay increase?"

Juanita: "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you do."

Wife: "Who said that you iro...

What are Mexican proteins made of?

Amigo-acids
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A Russian, a Mexican, and a Korean all show up to a construction site and get hired.

The boss says that for their first day on the job, the Russian is in charge of concrete, the Mexican is in charge of wood, and the Korean is in charge of supplies.

The boss then leaves and comes back a few hours later to check up on his new workers.

He walks over to the Russian, and al...
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Why can't you play UNO with Mexicans?

They'll steal all of the green cards.
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A Mexican, a Spaniard and an American are all travelling in a plane

When suddenly, the plane crashed onto a small island. The three emerged from the crash remains and noticed they're the only survivors.

They quickly organized and started gathering materials to survive when suddenly, a group of native cannibals surrounded them with spears and took them to the...

I hate Mexican jokes...

They always cross the line.
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I’ve been saying “mucho” to all of my Mexican friends.

It means a lot to them.
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What do you call a Mexican dwarf?

A paragraph... Because it's not a full ese
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Why did the Mexican pumpkin have to go on a diet?

Because he was gourd-o.
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A Mexican man applies for a job at the pentagon

A Mexican man, let's call him Carlos, applies for a job at the Pentagon. As part of the hiring process they send a couple of agents to talk to the man's friends, family and any associated to see if they can find anything that would show that he's not suitable for the job. When the agents go to talk ...
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The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth.

Their president is Enrique Peña Nieto.
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A Mexican lying on his death bed

The sick Mexican was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his wife's tamales.
With every last bit of energy left in his body, the sick Mexican pulled himself out of bed, across the fl...
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What do you call a Mexican who transitions?

Señor Rita
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I asked my Mexican friend if he will be upset if Trump manages to build the wall.

He said, “ Eh. I’ll get over it.”
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Why are Mexicans such prolific writers?

Because they finish every sentence with an essay.
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What's the name of the Mexican that loses his car?

Carlos...
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Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief?

He had loco motives.
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Why did the Mexican dude push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila!
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A man goes to a Mexican resturant after winning big in Vegas.

He decides he is going to order the most expensive item on the menu. When the plate is brought to him he asks what it is. The waiter responds with "Its the bull balls from the bullfight thats held every week. Whenever the bull loses we chop his balls off and serve them as a delicacy." The man is ske...

Why did the Mexican Army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo?

They only had 2 vans
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What do Mexican porn and Christianity have in common?

They both have Jesus coming

In order to stop accusations of racism, Trump decides to hire a Mexican immigrant

However, he doesn't feel confortable having him as an employee and calls him over in his office.

Juan: "Why you call me, jefe ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que ?! Why ?!!"


Trump: "Because....uh... Because you didn't finish high school!"

Juan: "Oh, no pro...
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What do you call a Mexican in space?

An astronaut you racist
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What do you call the Mexican secret service?

FB ay ayay ay
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A Mexican is applying for citizenship

and for the final portion, the proctor says "okay, I need you to come up with an English sentence that contains the words 'green, pink and yellow'."

The man smiled and said "When the phone goes 'green green', I pink it up and say 'yellow'!"
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What did the Mexican sing to his cheating girlfriend?

â™Ș I know I'm not the only Juan â™Ș
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Trump hates saying "yes" to Mexicans so much

We may as well call him the "Not Si" President
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Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”...

Did you hear about the Mexican fireman that had twins?

He named one José.

He named the other one hose B.
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Mexican bookstore

I was walking down a mall and saw a store called "Mexican Bookstore." Naturally curious, I walked in and asked the guy behind the counter:

"Excuse me, sir, but do you happen to have a book about Donald Trump's immigration policy?"

"Fuck you! Get the fuck out and stay the fuck out!" he ...

What did the Mexican carpet layer say to the apprentice?

Underlay underlay!
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What's the difference between E.T. and a Mexican?

E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.
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What’s the drunk Mexican’s favorite book?

Tequila Mockingbird
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What did the Mexican say when two houses fell on him?

"Get off me, homes!"
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Why didn’t the Mexican archer fire his bow?

He didn’t habanero
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Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"

The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."

Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"

The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"
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What do you call the Mexican food that watches you from the bushes?

Stalkos
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What do you say to a japanese-mexican

Konichijuan

I was gonna smoke weed with this Mexican girl

Until I asked her for some papers and she ran off.
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Why don't you ever see three mexicans crossing the border at the same time?

Because the signs say "No trespassing"
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What would you call a cat if it was a Mexican dish?

A purr-ito
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What's the difference between Jesus and Mexicans?

Jesus doesn't have any tattoos of Mexicans.
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A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I’d like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, “"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if ...
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What language does a Southerner use to communicate with a Mexican?

Espan-*ya'll*.
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What do you tell a Mexican having a bad day?

Sorry amigo, it's nacho day.
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What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball together?

Juan on Juan
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What is the Mexican cartels favorite water sport?

Narco Cholo
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"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
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What did the Mexican firefighter name his twin boys?

Jose and hose B
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What resolution do Mexican movie theaters show movies in?

Por que.
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A Mexican attempts to pass the border

A border control officer catches them and says, "Papers."

The Mexican replied, "Scissors."

The border control officer replied,"Dammit! Well, you're free to go!"
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