How many Greeks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Olive them.

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How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.



Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.



On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel...

A Greek was trying to figure out how long a day was.

But after 24 hours he called it a day.

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology...

has always been my Achilles' elbow.

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

The Greeks invented the threesome

But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.

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An old Greek man and an old Italian man are arguing. The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"

The Greek man says "...

Who is the most attractive Greek mythological figure?

I don't know about you, but Medusa always gets me rock hard.

What do you call a Greek philosopher who publishes his findings?

Articles

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Before the invention of lube, Greeks used olive oil to have anal sex.

I guess you might say the people of ancient Greece loved that ancient grease.

I have a Greek friend who is a horrible wingman

so we call him Icarus

Everyone knows of Cassandra, the Greek woman cursed to see the future but to never be believed. I would like to propose a new figure as her opposite: a man who pretends to know to future and have everyone believe him.

Or as I call him, Trump.

New to the country, and not knowing a word of English, Con the Greek got a job at a fruit stand.

The manager told him:

"Look, there are only 3 phrases you need to know:"

If they say "How much are the mangoes?" You say "$5 a kilo"

If they ask if they're ripe, you say "Some are, some aren't"

If they say they don't want to buy, you shrug and say "If you don't, someone e...

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A Greek and an Indian are having tea together and trying to one up each other on their historical achievements.

The Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Indian replies, "We have the Taj Mahal.”

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Indian, shaking his head, says, "But we invented the number 0.”

And so on and on th...

Someone told me I look like a Greek god:

Incredibly vain, melodramatic fool who’s parents are probably siblings.

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The Greeks vs. The Italians

The Greeks say, “We have the Parthenon.”

The Italians say, “We have the Coliseum.”

The Greeks say, “We had great mathematicians and philosophers.”

The Italians say, “We created a world empire and established Pax Romana.”

And so on and so on for hours, until final...

Why is Greek food so fatty?

Greece.

The word "Politics" is derived from two Greek words

"Poly" meaning "many" and "ticks" meaning "blood sucking creatures"

What were the rebels called during the Greek Civil War?

The Confetaracy

My friend said I mock Greek names.

That's preposterousalopalous.

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Ancient Greeks invented sex

And Romans made it fun by adding women into it.....

Until the British came...eh...arrived.

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What do you call a Greek guy with a large penis ?

Italian

A Scotsman was giving a walking tour to a Greek guy through the hills of Scotland. They came across a sheep that had its head stuck in a hole in a fence.

‘Let me show you what we do in a situation like this’ says the Scotsman with a grin as he unzips his trousers and has his way with the sheep. After he finished he turns to the Greek and says
‘Ok, now it’s your turn’
‘I can’t!’ Protests the Greek, ‘My head won’t fit in that hole.’

A long time ago, I had a job where I translated pre-classical Greek literature into Braille.

It feels like ancient history.

If you want to get good at Greek pottery...

you have to urn it.

My Greek doctor isn’t a physician

He’s a gyropractor

Why do the Greeks play classical music by volcanoes?

because of all the Bach lava.

A Greek, a Spaniard and an Italian go out for dinner. Who pays the bill?

The German.

What do you call a wealthy Greek vampire?

Count Drachma.

A Greek boyfriend

A chaste, young reverend's daughter marries a strapping young Greek man. Her conservative mother worries, and, considering herself a bit more worldly than her daughter, was worried about their...nightly nuptials.

"So, um," starts the mother, "Have you two been...you know...having intimate rel...

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I went to a prostitute and asked her if I could do her Greek style.

"Sure" she said.

So I fucked her in the ass and left without paying.

Why was the greek god arrested?

cuz it committed a misDEMETER

Why is it hard for Greek people to wake up early in the morning?

*In an Irish accent*

“Because DAWN is tough on Greece”

An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.

“Euripides?” Says the tailor.
“Yeah, Eumenides?” Replies the man.

Greek Philosopher Gets A Suit

A Greek Philosopher walks into a tailor's office and asks for 300 suits to be delivered to him.


The tailor offers some proposals: "I can send those in plastic bags, or I could even send those in parcels."


The Greek philosopher replies : "no, no, no I would like them to be deliv...

On my way home yesterday, I saw a guy with interesting hair dressed up as a Greek god.

He said his name was “Afro-dite”.

The Greek god of open wounds!

Herpes!

Ministers are like Greek gods.

When a country can't explain something, they create a new one.

Two Greek philosophers get into an argument...

Euclid: You've been a very good pupil this past year, Eubulides, but now it's time for you to pay the 50 drachma you owe me for all the philosophy I've taught you.

Eubulides pauses to think for a moment.

Eubulides: Hm, as much as I would love to pay you back, I'm afraid that's not po...

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Wich greek hero do asexuals want to fuck the most?

Odysseus.

My buddy questioned, "How do you get so many girls into bed with you?" I laughed, "Easy, I just do what Arnold Schwarzenegger does." Puzzled, he asked, "What, work out all day and look like a Greek God?"

"No, I pull out a shotgun and say, 'Come with me if you want to live'."

My life is like a book.

Like a big book. A book in Greek.

I do not understand any Greek.

I will sleep a little bit more....

I read about this figure from Greek Mythology, Chiron.

He trained many heroes apparently, and was also a doctor. Ergo he was a Centaur for disease control.

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An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American,

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, and Austrailian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese...

After watching me sign up for a Greek philosophy course, my dad said, “Did you know Aristotle said that we are what we repeatedly do?”

“Therefore, I’m your mother.”

A Greek philosopher’s lecture on knowledge was really confusing and frustrating.

Episteme off.

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Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...



\*\*SOCIALISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



You give one to your neighbor.



The government charges a gift tax.







\*\*COMMUNISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



The...

Did you hear about the Greek bricklayer who lied a lot?

He would always con Crete.

Joke from my neighbour, Slade.

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In 450 BC a Greek and a Roman are sitting around, discussing who has more reason to be proud of their heritage

Roman: We are clearly the superior society, after all, we invented aqueducts so cities and fields alike could grow

Greek: Perhaps, but we invented the water mill for grinding abundant grain, so that it could be stored and feed the people. Plus, we developed cartography, mapping out the world....

Have you heard of the Ancient Greek hero, Bophades?

He was a lot like Achilles, he had only one weakness, but instead of his heel, it was his groin. You may have heard of Achilles’ heel but have you heard of Bophades’ nuts?

A terrible hairdresser was known for cutting customers' scalps with scissors.

One such customer, fed up and covered in wounds, told the hairdresser off.

The hairdresser snapped back, "Hey buddy, show some appreciation! You only paid $5 for this haircut, and I've already used $10 worth of bandages!"

\- From "Philogelos", an ancient Greek joke book dated to around...

I came home to find a Greek mathematician kidnapping my grandmother...

He saw me. Immediately, my hands went towards my phone, and he shouted,

"You stop right there! Or else imma beta your gamma!"

Seen some people throwing out random Greek words to sound smart.

You won't see one iota of that from me.

My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue...

Completely pale, no arms.

When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.

It always was my achilles elbow.

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A Young Greek Woman Marries

she is a virgin, and her mother is concerned. as they are getting her gown on, her mother warns her that her husband will probably ask her to "turn over" for sex, and to NEVER turn over. Innocently, she agrees.

Thanks to generous gifts from their family in Europe, they honeymoon in Majorca,...

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Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgaria...

Have you ever heard of the Greek hero Bophades?

He was one of the heroes who fought in the Trojan War. His story is similar to the story of Achilles. When he was a child, his mother held him by the groin and dipped him in the river Styx, as to make him invincible in battle. However, just like Achilles, he had a weak spot. Because his mother held ...

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My girlfriend sprinkles Greek cheese on her poop.

I really NEED to tell my girlfriend ,I’m not into her fetashits.

What’s one thing Ancient Greeks and Mexicans have in common?

When they meet (their) God they say, Hey Zues.

I've been told I have the body of a Greek God.

Too bad it's Dionysus

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A Greek, A German and An Italian get stranded after a plane crash.

They wander for days until finally they see something in the distance. They approach and are found by some local tribesmen and are accused of trespassing their village. Immediately they are led in front of the local leader:

"I am in a good mood so I will let you go if you participate in a sma...

An ancient Greek professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended.

The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

Someone else grabbed my order at the greek restaurant

All I could do is say , "There goes my gyro."

Who's the idiot now?

In ancient Greek the word “idiot” meant anyone who wasn’t a politician.

Today it's the exact opposite.

There's a Greek myth about a stream whose water will attach itself to your skin for all eternity.

The river sticks

What do you call the Greek God of Humour?

Hilarios.

What do Greek dogs eat?

Barklava

What is Samuel L. Jackson's favorite Greek tragedy?

Oedipus Rex

I don't trust Greek instruments.

They're mostly lyres.

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Who was the sexiest woman in Greek myth?

Actually, it was Medusa. One look from her made guys rock hard.

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An Italian and a Greek get in a fight over sex

Greek: the Greeks invented sex centuries before the Italians!

Italians: maybe so but we improved on it by introducing it to women!

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How do you say 'motherfucker' in ancient greek?

Oedipus.

My friend says he has the body of a Greek God

I had to explain to him Buddha wasn't Greek

What does a Mexican say to a Greek god?

hey Zeus

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I was told I was just like a Greek statue

I was happy until they clarified that they meant I am pale as fuck and have a small dick.

What was the true identity of the Greek Spider-Man?

Pita Parker

An American, a Brit, a Canadian, a Dane, an Ethiopian, a Frenchman, a Greek, a Haitian, an Irishman, a Jew, a Kiwi, a Lithuanian, a Mongolian, a Nigerian, an Omani, a Peruvian, a Qatari, a Roman, a Scotsman, a Uruguayan, a Venezuelan, a Western Saharan, a xenophobe and a Zimbabwean walk into a bar

The bartender says
"Im sorry, but you can't come in here without a Thai"

Why are a bunch of horses being sold better than the Greeks?

At least they have a stable economy.

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Greek mythology in 3 words

Zeus got horny

I'm half filipino and half greek so what am I?

I'm a freek

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An Englishman, an Irishman,...

a Scotsman,a welshman, a Frenchman, a German, an Italian, a Swede, two Finns, a Norwegian, a Dane, a Greenlander, an Austrian, a Hungarian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Latvian, an Estonian, a Russian, a Turk, an Egyptian, a Palestinian, an Israeli, a Greek, a Macedonian, a Chinese guy, a Japanese guy,a ...

I ate some bad Greek food earlier today...

...and now I falafel.

How do you separate the Greek men from the Greek Boys?

With a crowbar.

What was the name of the Greek hero that was punished by the gods for gluttony?

Diabetes.

What do you call a lame Greek pun?

An Artemiss.

Why don't Greek gods insult people anymore?

Because Icarus already had the sickest burn.

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A black man becomes Orthodox...

A black man converts to Greek orthodoxy. One day he walks into a church out of town. An old woman sees him, and perceives he performs all the ritual motions exactly.

She walks up to him and asks "Sonnie, tell me true, you Greek?"
He says "no".

Again, she sees he performs all the ri...

What do you get when you cross a joke with a celestial Greek dairy product?

Apollo cheese for the punchline.

A man is in court

(Long but worth it)

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you ...

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Lazza The Greek

Lazza The Greek was lamenting his life to his friends one day - I have amassed great wealth and done many things of greatest for my community, he said.


See that school and university downtown - I build those places! But do people call me Lazza the Builder? No!

Look at those ...

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