UPJOKE

How To Tell Jokes

How to tell if a girl likes you

You can tell if a girl likes you by her ankles:

If they are behind your head, she likes you.

If they are behind *her* head, she *really* likes you.

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How to tell the sex of an Orange.

If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a Male.


If it's bitter for no fucking reason it's a Female.

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I don't know how to tell my friend his cock-shaped clock is tacky.

But when the time comes, I'll be ready.

Help! I don't know how to tell my girlfriend that she's gotten fat

She now fits perfectly into my wife's clothes.

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I don't know how to tell you this

Doctor: I don't know how to tell you this but you really have to stop masturbating.

Patient: Really doctor, why?

Doctor: So I can examine you.

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How to tell the sex of an ant?

Drop it in water...

If it sinks: girl ant

If it floats.....

Do you know how to tell the difference between a male tree and a female tree?

Look for it's wood pecker.

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How to tell you are getting old

When your wife suggests you go upstairs and have sex - and you realise you can do one or the other.

How to Tell the Difference Between the Branches of the US Armed Forces

If you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services will do:

The NAVY will turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The ARMY will surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.

The MARINE CORPS will assault the build...

How to tell whether someone is an idiot

“Doctor, how can you tell whether someone is an idiot, even if he looks normal to you?”

“For that, we have special questions.”

“Can you name an example?”

“Mountaineer Brown climbed Mount Everest three times but he was killed during one of these ascents. Can you tell me which one...

Where do dads learn how to tell their jokes?

In the delivery room.

How to tell if you are old?

Pretend to fall down. If people laugh, you are not old yet.

I don't know how to tell my future child

That zoomers doesn't mean the generation that learned through zoom

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How to tell if a Japanese restaurant is authentic?

The menu will be written in Times New Ramen

Do you know how to tell when you're really fat?

When you fall from both sides of your bed at the same time

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How to tell an unexpected joke

Oh fuck, this isn't Google.

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How to tell if she's a virgin

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said,'Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... And a shovel.'
Paddy asked, 'And what do I do with these, doc?'
The doc repl...

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How to tell the sex of a fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies." He responded.

"Oh, Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females." he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell t...

Do you know how to tell if there’s still gold in the ground?

Never mind

How to tell if women is single

A woman walks into a store and purchases 1 small box of detergent, 1 bar of soap, 3 individual servings of yogurt and 2 oranges. The cashier says, “You must be single.” She responds, “You can tell that by what I bought?” The cashier says, “No, you’re ugly.”

YSK: how to tell a Rectal thermometer from an Oral thermometer.

They taste totally different.

You know how to tell the difference between a cow and a bull?

A bull smiles when you milk him.

do you know how to tell how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?

you give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

How to tell apart a good electrician from a bad one

One is 16 feet above and one is 6 feet below ground

How to tell if a person is a stock market trader or a cuckolding enthusiast?

Ask them the opposite of 'bull'.

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An English man was trying to teach a Japanese man how to tell time in English...

The English man says to the Japanese man, “what time is it now?” The Japanese man looks at the clock and says “it’s 4 o’clock.”
The English man asks again, 30 minutes later, “now what’s the time?” The Japanese man replies with “it’s 4:30 o’clock” the English man and Japanese man celebrate by goi...

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How to tell if your roommate is gay

His dick tastes like shit

How to tell time in a forest

Here's how to tell time in a forest.

Try and face north, or make your best approximation as to which way is north. Stand straight and tall. Extend both arms so that they are parallel with the ground. Lower your left arm back down to your side. Bend your right arm so that your hand is against...

How to tell if someone has Rhotacism?

Ask them to pronounce it.

I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:

1. How to tell this to my wife

2. Where to find a 1 year old baby

I don't know how to tell people this...

But I want to be a translator.

How to tell a difference between a Politician and chemistry nerd?

Ask them to read the word- "unionized"

How to tell if an orange likes to party

Just Invitamin-C.

How to tell someone they have a bad breath nicely ?

"Oh boy I am bored lets brush our teeth"

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How to tell time.

An 'American' tourist couple, both sociologists, were walking
the streets of a small town in Saudi Arabia. It was nearing
the middle of the day and they didn't want to miss lunch at
their ramshackle hotel - the only one in town and which
always served meals promptly. They came upon...

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How to tell the difference between Jews, Baptists, and Protestants

Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the head of the Church

-

Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Messiah

-

Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store.

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How to tell the sex of a fly

A woman walked into her kitchen one day to find her husband stalking around the kitchen with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked him.

"Im killing flies!" He said excitedly.

"Have you killed many so far?"

"Yes I have! 2 males and 3 females."

The mans wi...

A friend who works for FedEx told me how to tell a decent joke.

It's all about the delivery.

I only know how to tell self-deprecating jokes...

but they all suck.

Do you know how to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

Just pay attention to whether you see them later or after a while.

How to tell what part of Washington you're in: Forest is west, desert is east...

Swamp is DC.

How to tell if you have Alzheimer's disease

If you forget to zip up your pants after going to the bathroom - that's just being forgetful. If you forget to unzip before going to the bathroom - that's Alzheimer's.

I really feel torn about making jokes about this terrible disease, but that's one way of dealing with it.

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A man loses all his money in vegas, and asks his friend for help on how to tell his wife

Friend : Just say it in a *sarcastic tone* she wont believe you but you technically told the truth.

Man : Thats never going to work.

F: Watch, Hey honey, remember when i went to vegas, you know me *i just lost all our cash like good ol'jim*.

M: Its better than nothing.

la...

How to tell an Irishman from a Scotsman on St. Patrick's day?

One wants to stay drunk all the time and the other doesn't want to pay the tab.

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A step-by-step guide of how to tell if your girlfriend is cold:

1) She won't stop fucking telling you.

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

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