UPJOKE

How Long Jokes

How Long?

This guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"...

Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller and asked: How long will I live?

The psychic replied: I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday.

Which holiday? Putin asked.

The psychic smiled and said. Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday

*During an interview* Interviewer: 'So how long were you employed in your last job?'

Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How long does it take Putin’s mom to take a shit?

9 Months.

If it takes 6 men 6 days to dig 6 holes, how long does it take one man to dig half a hole?

There is no such thing as a half a hole. It’s just a hole.

How Long is a Chinese name?

Yes, it is.

A man is shocked to find his buddy wears a bra. He asks “How long have you been wearing that?”

The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

“God, how long is a million years?”

“God, how long is a million years?”

“To me, it’s about a minute.”

“God, how much is a million dollars?”

“To me, it’s a penny.”

“God, may I have a penny?”

“Wait a minute.”

My dentist asked me how long it had been since I flossed

I said “you should know that, you were there”.

How long does it take to get from Louisiana to Alabama

One Mississippi

How long does a man have to tickle a woman before it becomes hentai?

Long enough for ten tickles.

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child?

For arguments sake, let's say you've been dating for 3 years, and the child is 6 weeks old.

“So how long are you in for? ” I asked my cell mate.

“Only for a couple of minutes, then I’m usually done” he replied as he carried on thrusting.

How long do you cook your pasta in Hell?

Until it’s Al Dante!


I’m not proud of it. But I still like it.

How long does a owl live

Six and a half books

How long did Cain beat his brother?

As long as he was Abel.

How long did 8 lie down for?

Forever.

How long did it take for the first guy to get covid?

He got it right off the bat

How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?

5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.

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How long will I live doctor?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I am about to turn SEVENTY-ONE).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'


He ask...

How long must this go on?

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes ...

How long should a celebration be?

I reckon about yay long

"How long should my essay be?"

Back in high school I was in an english class and a fellow student asked the teacher how long our essays should be.

He responded saying, "As long as a girl's skirt: long enough to cover everything that needs to be covered, but short enough to keep me interested."

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.”

“Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

“Didn't know how fast you could walk".

How long does it take my wife to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, she usually just screws in her boss's office.

My mother in law came for a visit so I asked her - How long do you plan to stay?

Just until I start getting on your nerves, she replied.

Oh, so you won't even stay for a coffee?

How Long is a Chinese name

......either you read that correct or you need to read it again to understand!

How do French people know how long to boil an egg?

They just know when they boiled enough.

How long will it take an author to write "The Guide To All The World's Great Beers"?

It depends on how many drafts they have to go through.

How long does it take for someone to die?

A lifetime.

How long does it take a minotaur to make waffles?

Just a minute or two!

Psychiatrist: So how long have you believed in reincarnation?

Ever since the last election.

How long should socks be?

Twelve inches, so you can fit in one foot!

How Long is a Chinese man

We went to school together

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be before the next time;

I said, “the whole time.”

A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.

“Hey, how long have you been chopping wood for?”

“Not sure. Let me check the logs.”

How long will it be before Kamala Harris becomes president?

I don’t know, but for now, she’s just Biden her time.

How long can you keep a chicken in the freezer?

I asked my neighbour, “how long can you keep a chicken in the freezer?”

She said, “about a month or so”

Me, “that’s strange, I put one in last night and this morning it was dead”

How long does it take a Russian tank to drive from Moscow to Kyiv?

Depends how many people are pushing.

I didn't realize just how long the Obama administration lasted...

Apparently the Baroque period started in the 1600s!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon."It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man.
With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long...

Doc, how long do I have to live?

Doctor: Ten

Me: Ten what? Years, months, weeks?

Doctor: Nine, Eight, Seven...

A patient asks a doctor how long he has to live, and the doctor just says "10".

The patient says "10 what?"

The doctor then says "9..."

“How long have you been working at that office?"

“Ever since they threatened to fire me."

Guy says to his doctor "Is it serious? How long do I have to live?"

Doctor says "5"

Guy says "5 what? 5 days? 5 weeks? 5 months?"

Doctor says "4..."

How long does it take a group of Mexicans to,

oh wow they’re already done.

Doctor, how long I have left?

"Doctor, please tell me the truth, how long I have left?"

"Ten"

"Ten what?"

"Nine"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man did an experiment on how long can you dive before opening your parachute

When he was 5 meters of the ground he said "fuck it, i can easily survive a couple meter fall"

Me: How long have we had that mattress?

Wife: No idea

Memory foam mattress: Two years, five months and two days

How long should you microwave fish for?

Tuna half minutes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How Long is an asian dick

I mean, seriously, I saw him stealing cookies from a little girl.

How long is a good hour?

69 minutes

Psychiatrist: "How long have you had short-term memory loss?"

Patient: "As long as I can remember."

Doctor, How long will it take for me to recover from this accident?

Doctor: Physically 6 months and financially 12 years

I put a winning bet on how long a marriage would last?

....shame it was mine

How long does it take a vegan to finish a hamburger?

5 seconds depending on if anybody is watching the dog.

How long does it take an idiot to change a lightbulb

Tell me when you’re done

Doctor, how long do I have left?

Doctor: 5

Man: 5 what? What do you mean?

Doctor: 4, 3, 2...

How long does a programmer last in bed?

Just a bit

I asked my professor how long my paper should be. He said it should be like a woman's skirt...

Long enough to cover the subject but short enough to be interesting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How long has HIV been in Australia?

For dick AIDS.

How long is a centipede?

~100 feet

How long does it take for a crow to eat a dead squirrel on the road?

It depends on the traffic


(English is not my first language so sorry for any mistake)

My friend asked me how long I'v been married.

I told him 15 years, but with the wind chill it feels like 30

After each battle, Napoleon would walk down and shake the hands of all his soldiers

Each time, he would ask them the same three questions:

How old are you?
How long have you been serving in the army?
Which of the two battles have you fought in?

One time, a new, foreign soldier did not know French and was worried about what to say to Napoleon when it was his turn...

I was trying to work out how long it would take to watch an entire season of 24

But in the end I had to call it a day

A man and his girlfriend died in a car accident and meets Peter at the Pearly Gates

Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?"

To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?"

Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer."

Left...

How long will Justin Trudeau have to apologize?

Until he's black in the face

My wife asked me how long our Indian food order would take.

I said, "How am I samosa know?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Translated this joke from my native language...

A guy say (Billy) who had very small penis, came to know about a guy. who knew a word, which upon saying penis grows by some inches.



Billy went there, that guy sat on a hill, and to climb that hill, there was a rope. So Billy started climbing that hill, upon climbing, the man asked B...

How long does a Congressman serve?

Depends on his sentence.

How long does it take Batman to change a lightbulb?

Depends. How much prep time does he get?

How long was Florence Nightingale in prison for?

She spent a Nightinjail

Patient: Give it to me straight doctor, how long do I have to live?

Doctor: Oh, no your disease is completely curable. You’re going to live.

Patient: yeah, but how long do I have to?

How Long is a Chinese name

And he’s a good friend of mine.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

A man went into a hardware store and asked for some nails 'How long do you want them?' Asked the store assistant

'I was planning on keeping them' replied the man

How long does a carbon monoxide intoxication last?

Longer than you think.

How long does it take my ex wife to screw in a light bulb?

Ha! My ex screwing, that’s a good one.

How long should you waterboard a parrot?

Until it speaks.

How long can you hold your breath for?

"Longer than you can last in bed!" my beautiful, blonde girlfriend proudly declared.

"You're on!" I replied.

That night we both plopped onto the bed and began screwing. My girlfriend closed her mouth and pinched her nose as she rode on top of me. Meanwhile, I tried thinking of the mo...

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