After rounds of extensive life saving operations, I asked my nurse if she’d visit me when I finally get out.

She told me she doesn’t like cemeteries.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend got a sex change operation done. I got so mad I told him to jump off a cliff.

but I dont think he has the balls.

The Surgeon’s Operation

A surgeon urgently left for work one morning after hearing that a new patient just came in with 3 tumors. He got there as quickly as he could, despite living roughly half an hour away. He managed to get to work before any of his coworkers that were capable of operating on the new patient could. He r...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s it called when a woman has a sex change operation?

An Addadicktomy

Just heard NASA shutdown operations to the Mars rover.

Wasted opportunity!

Girl Is Going Into The Operation Theater For Her Heart Surgery.

Girl: “I am Having Heart Surgery Today.”

Boy: “Yes I Know, Don’t Worry Baby.”

Girl: “I Love You.”

Boy: “I Love You The Most.”

After The Surgery, Girl Wakes Up And The Only One Next To Her Is Her Father.

Girl: “Where Is He?”

Father (Surprised): “Don’t You Kno...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the hospital for a routine operation.

He goes under, and comes to alone in a hospital bed with an IV. Moving around, he notices the white hospital sheets are covered with shit. He literally shit the bed. Completely embarrassed and panicking about what the nurses will say, he takes them off the bed and tosses them out the window onto the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When the surgeon came to see his young female patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed.

So the doctor she asked, "What's wrong?"

"Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life?"

"Uh," stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively.

"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it," replied the stunned surgeon.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bit to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The ...

What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke]

What do you call a secret operation run by shellfish?

Clamdestine.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Josh Brolin is due to get a sex change operation before the release of the next Avengers film.

Apparently she is going to go by Trannos.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man went for a penis enlargement operation

The next day his friend asked him if it was painful. The man replied, "Nah, I just remember a little prick... But now it's much larger!"

​

Credit to my fiance.

Why do brain surgeons begin operations early?

So they can work ahead

What did Gene Wilder name his drug smuggling operation?

Charlie Up The Chocolate Factory

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two DEA officers were called into their superiors office after an operation didn’t quite go to plan.

Superior: “Gentlemen, do you want to debrief me on this latest raid?”

Officer jones: “Well, sir, as I recall it, first of all I used the battering ram to flatten the door. Then, within a few seconds of getting inside, I found at least 25 ounces of coke and weed all over the coffee table.” ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are too large

She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you n...

The doctor told the sign language interpreter that the operation was risky.

Now it was a matter of lie for deaf.

I’m a Latino nurse and while I was doing my rounds, one of the surgeons burst out of the operating room and told me to help finish the operation. I cut the patient’s organ on the wrong spot but luckily I miscalculated and saved their life. No one thought I could do it and I shocked them all.

Nobody expected the Spanish missed incision.

Our grandpa was running away from the operation theater ...

We stopped him and asked what was wrong.

He replied that the nurses in the operation theater were saying "Don't worry, everything will be alright, we are all with you" and that made him uncomfortable.

We said "They were trying to calm you down. This is common. They probably say this to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I met a girl in the bar last night

She said "I haven't had a cock for nearly 2 weeks now"

So I took her back to my place and we started fooling around.

We got undressed and that's when I noticed the scars from the operation.

A bar which does hip replacement operations recently opened near to me,

Critics are saying its the new hip place to be.

Patient visits a doctor for an operation

Doctor: In the event of something going wrong with the operation, would you like to donate your organs?

Patient: Yeah, sure, but only to my worst enemy.

Doctor: Why's that?

Patient: Because he really hates my guts.

---

~~Idea~~ Stolen from today's Cyanide & Hap...

My girlfriend got an eye operation done a few days ago

Right after it she broke up with me.

She said she can’t see me anymore

A man is going to the hospital for an operation...

He asks the doctor: "Doc, will I be able to play the piano after my operation?"
The doctor says yes.
He then says:"That's good! I couldn't before."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy tried to give himself a sex change operation.

It didn't look like he was going to do it, but somehow he managed to pull it off.

Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

After the operation, there was good news and bad news...

"Give me the bad news first, doc."

"The surgery was a complete success, and you are expected to make a full recovery."

"Wait, then what's the good news?"

"It's April Fool's Day."

Operation barbarossa Was never going to work

There were too many red flags along the way

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Phil Smith’s Scrotum

Suzie Smith stood up and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, was in a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

A muffled gasp arose from the men...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your s...

Two surgeons are laughing during an operation when a dermatologist walks by...

"What's so funny?" asks the dermatologist.

"Sorry, it's a inside joke." replies the surgeon.

Operation successful

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....

he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.

'Yes, Dad, what is it?'

'Don't be ...

I woke up in the middle of an operation once.

The nurse said “Don’t worry, you just drifted off for a minute doctor.”

What is ISIS's favorite mathematical operation?

Square Root.
Anything it is applied to becomes radicalized.

I saw saw a few nasty surgery .gifs with open-organ operation.

I don't really like surgery videos, but there's nothing I can do, totally clips of the heart.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old age lady was praying in hospital before an operation...

.. and God appeared.

"Please Lord, I have been a good woman. Am I to die tomorrow? Is that why you are here?"

God replied "No my Child, I am here to tell you not to be worried. You still have 30 years of beautiful life ahead of you."

In celebration, the lady asked the doctor ...

What do you call an operation that turns a woman into man?

An addadictomy

I once woke up in the middle of an operation.

It nearly cost me my medical licence.

April 1st Operation

(Doctor walks out of operation room. A man quickly reached the doctor.)

"How's my wife? How's my baby?"

"Well your wife is okay, but... Your baby... umm..."

(Man starts crying)

"APRIL FOOLS! HAHAHA! Jokes on you!" (laugh)

(Man starts laughing with the doctor.)
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call an operation.

what do you call an operation to have your tonsils removed? a Tonsillectomy.

What do you call an operation to have your appendix removed? an Appendectomy.

What do you call an operation where a man has his tubes cut so he can't have children? a vasectomy.

What do you call an ope...

I went in to hospital for an operation...

I asked the anaesthetist if I could administer the needle myself, and he said:

"Sure, knock yourself out".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a robot doctor that performs sex change operations?

A trans-former.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentar...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

James is suffering from severe headaches. [Long]

For as long as he can remember, he's had debilitating headaches that have hampered his life in every way. He finally seeks medical help. After some tests, the doctor returns:

"James, I don't know quite how to say this. It seems your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine, pi...

An Architect, a Doctor and a Lawyer are boasting about how smart their dogs are.

They finally agree that each will demonstrate their dog's prowess.

The architect calls his dog, puts some clay on the table and says, "Build
me a model of the Eiffel Towel." The dog does so and the architect throws
him a biscuit.

The doctor calls his dog and as he does he sees t...

After the operation I say to the doctor...

"Look, I'm gonna try to save some money and stitch myself back up."
"Are you sure?" He says, "alright, suture self."

The doctor who performed my lobotomy operation did a lousy job.

I have half a mind to tell him so.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young lady is in the hospital for an operation.

She says, "Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have sex again?"

He says, "You know, Miss Kandol, you're the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy"

There was this guy living in Ireland who wanted to have the operation to become Irish

He had lived in Ireland for about 10 years and loved the place and its people so he went to the doctor and said he wanted to have the operation to become Irish.

The doctor warned him saying “This is very dangerous, I have to remove half your brain”.

The guy was very adamant and said ...

A young guy suffers from debilitating headaches (slightly long)

After going through many tests over several months the doctor says the only way to cure them is to cut off his balls. After another couple months the pain is so great the patient finally agrees to the operation. A week after the operation the patient is super depressed and asks the doctor what he c...

Did you hear about the man that got a heart transplant from a dog?

The operation was a complete success other than the fact every time the hospital mailed the bill for the cost of the operation the man would bury it in the backyard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bill suffered an excruciating pain in his balls since childhood. No doctor could ever diagnose what was wrong with them. So finally, they suggested him to get them operated.

After the operation, now being a free man, with slightly lesser pain than earlier, he was happy and wanted to start his life afresh. So he went to the garments shop closest to the hospital.

'Excuse me, I'd like to buy a suit, could you please take my measures?' said Bill to the owner of the s...

A doctor visits a woman after her operation.

Doctor: "Good day, before I tell you the diagnosis, I would like to ask you a question: Do you have ticklish feet?"
Patient: "Oh yes doctor, I have the awfullest tickle of all time, I barely stand it! But why do you ask?"
Doctor: "Well then I have good news! You no longer have that problem! Yo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy got a job working at the FBI

After years of training and studying for this moment he got hired to work for the FBI. His first mission given to him was to make his way to New York at the Statue of Liberty to meet up with an informant for a sting operation. After arriving at the place and waiting for three hours he got tired, Ren...

Heart Transplant Surgery

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.


The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body reje...

Being a professional tree mover must be hard

They always have to uproot their entire operation

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy born without eyelids had a miracle operation...

A boy born without eyelids had a miracle operation in which the doctors circumcised him and used his foreskin to form new lids.

The operation was highly successful, and the boy should be able to see normally. The doctor noted, however, that he will remain cockeyed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There have been troubling developments with Europe’s terror threat levels, recently:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1...

Things you don't want to hear while undergoing an operation

* Did he say the right or left leg?

* I'd feel a lot better about this if the dotted lines were pre-drawn like back at school.

* Buddy! Buddy! Come back with that! Bad dog!

* Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.

* Oh no! I just lost my watch.

* Argh! There go the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Mexican president has a rare cancer of the brain and is in need of a brain transplant. His only option is a risky new procedure that his doctor recently perfected.

He now has to “shop” for his brain.

“Sir, as this is a new procedure, our pool of brains you can choose from is rather small. Prices of the brains will vary,” said the doctor.

“Okay, show me what you’ve got. I have an important job, so I’ll need the best brain,” replies the president...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How long after a tonsillectomy is it safe to give a blowjob?

Asking for my wife. She had the operation in 2015 .

The cleaning operation!

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in a restaurant. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning ...

One day, some friars open up a flower shop

Before long, their store attracts quite a lot of customers; after all, who wouldn’t want to buy flowers from men of God? Unfortunately, though, this means that all the other florists in town are being driven out of business. They plead with the friars to close shop or move elsewhere, but they refuse...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Operation

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A chicken and a cow decide to go and get a sex change operation...

The operation is successful so they go to the bar to celebrate.
They go to the bar and order some drinks and ask the barman if he wants to know what they'd been up to that day.
The barman replies "Oh god. Not another cock and bull story"

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky,

“Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?”

Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question...”

“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...”

“Well, all right, three times...”

“Three, hmmm. When were they?”...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Elephant Trunk

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she say...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm saving up my money for a sex change operation...

...and I don't care how much my wife protests it.

I wanted a boy, dammit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The first Wednesday of every month God and St. Peter meet to discuss the operations and logistics of Heaven...

...and, as usual, everything is great and fine; but they both notice that Heaven is starting to get a tad overcrowded. So, they both agree that from now on, not only do you have to be a good person when you die, you must also have had a bad day the day you died.

The next day, St. Peter takes...

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant

We found a match in Argentina

The operation was a success

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

A moral joke, finally!

The Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff.But then the teacher realised that only Janie was left. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man enters the hospital for a circumcision...

A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he wakes up after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.

“Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man went to the doctor complaining about erectile dysfunction...

A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an exp...

A simple operation

A patient is caught running down the hospital halls before his operation by an employee.

"What's the matter?" the employee asked.

The man said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's going to be a very simple operation, don't worry, it will be fine.'"

"Well what's the matter? She was jus...

A doctor and nurse were having an affair

A doctor and nurse were having an affair, and the nurse got pregnant. Being a little large, and not very bright, she didn't realize she was pregnant until she was very far along. In a panic she went to the doctor and said, "What should we do?"
The doctor came up with a brilliant plan. A priest ...

Losing my virginity was alot like performing a heart transplant operation.

Someone had to die for it to happen.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stuttering Problem

A man visits the doctor because of his severe stuttering problem.

The doctor says, "It appears that your penis is four inches too long and is pulling on your vocal cords, thereby causing the stutter."

"D-d-d-oct-t-tor. Wh-ha-a-at c-c-can I d-d-do?"

The doctor tells him that he m...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Narcotic Jesus

Jesus is sitting down one day and is visioning the high rate of drug consumption on earth in later years. He thought it was a bit hypocritical of him to condemn them without first trying them himself, so he sent his apostles out to find what drugs they could.

&#x200B;

The secret op...

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The first day of first grade

The teacher asked the children what they had done over the summer.
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I went for a ride on the choo-choo."
"That's very nice," the teacher said, "but now that we are in first grade, we don't say choo-choo, we say train."
The next child raised her hand ...

Manufacturer closes before Christmas

The town manufacturer moved their operations to another country, to pay lower wages. The people who worked in the town, lost their jobs and were suddenly thrust into poverty.

An entrepreneur heard about this situation. Joseph P Klanta was operating several manufacturing operations. His s...

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it.

God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augme...