How Old Jokes

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you
don't mind me asking, but how old do you thin... read more

Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Once, she accused a ... read more

The guard replies, "They are 73 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's a rather exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

"Well," answers the guard, "The dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and tha... read more

Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.

Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.

Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.

He replies: "It is sixty five million and fourteen years and three months old."

"Wow! It's amazing that you can tell this precise. How do you do that? Is it with carbon dating?"

"I don't know" says the guide. "But when I first came here they told me it was sixty five million years old.... read more

Napalm

Me: 18

Dad: when i was your age, i was 19.

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them!

The pirate replied, 'Aye matey.'

They were all 8 n up

Hela old.

-Well, let‘s say, I‘m closer to my thirty than to my twenty.

-Oh ok. 27?28?

-No, 45.

Kid: It stops at 8?

Doctor: It does for you.

His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products.

Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Honey, honestly now, what... read more

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, *"To what do you attribute your good health?"*

The old timer said, *"I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.   I'm up well before daylight and out go... read more

"Haha, dude, she could be your mom!"

"Yeah, actually it's yours"

Cabbage.

Boy: "Turning six next month!"
Doctor: "...and how very optimistic we are!"

Stone Age

He does and the woman says “you’re 96 years old.” Amazed, the old man asked her how she knew that and she told him “you told me at breakfast.”

"A woman never reveals her age", she replied to her young grandson.

He said "Alright, just give me the first digit"

"Six" she said.

"And the second?"

Grandma sighed. "Seven."

"And the third?"

3. My mother became anti-vaxx.

Apparently, 42 is not the answer to everything

A cop is patrolling at night and sees a car parked in lover’s lane.

He knocks on the window, when it’s rolled down he sees a guy in the front seat playing on his phone and a girl in the back seat reading a magazine.

The cop says “What’s going on here?”
The guy says, “nothing at all... read more

"Well, he didn't become a father until I was born."

I am getting on in years and not the best looking
guy anymore.

Some would even say I'm a little frayed around
the edges. But, I have a nice car, a little money
and I spend most of my time casually traveling
from place to place and enjoying life.

I met a nice looking girl in... read more

Tree

Son: I’m 5.

Dad: High five, i’m dad.

His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?"

"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."

"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.

"Th... read more

Each time, he would ask them the same three questions:

How old are you?
How long have you been serving in the army?
Which of the two battles have you fought in?

One time, a new, foreign soldier did not know French and was worried about what to say to Napoleon when it was his turn... read more

Footy-three

My daughter woke me around 11:50pm last night. My wife and I picked her up from her friend Sally’s birthday party, brought her home and put her to bed. My wife went to the bedroom to read and I fell asleep watching basketball.

“Daddy”, she whispered tugging my shirt.

“Guess how old I’l... read more

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star... read more

The same age as your father.

I said if it's any consolation, your eyesight is still one hundred precent!

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lips... read more

She responds, “I bet I can. Unzip your pants”

The guy is shocked but plays along. The woman sticks her hand in his pants and feels him up for a few minutes before saying, “You’re 83!”

The old guy is astonished and says, “I am 83! How did you know?”

The old lady says, “You told ... read more

And the doctor tells him, "You're in terrific health, you're healthier than most 40 year olds, what do you contribute your exceptional health to?"

And the man replies"Turkey hunting, every morning I walk in the mountains and go turkey hunting."

"Well maybe genetics has something to do ... read more

FOR TEA!!!

He replied saying, "whenever I tell anyone I'm 63, they don't believe me."

The elderly person then exclaimed, "how could you be 63?!"

To which the man said, "I'm not."

She goes to the bank and steps up to the counter. She asks the teller, "How old do you think I am?"

The teller looks her up and down and guesses 35.

"Nope, 50!" she says, and goes to Subway for lunch.

She asks the sandwich artist behind the counter, "How old do you think I am?"<... read more

Scared the hell out of us

because we didn’t know where he got em

Woman: "Thanks, she's 34 weeks. Do you have the time?"

Me: "Sure, it's 972 minutes past midnight."

Sir Cumference?

Beverage

Woman: How old would you say I am?
Man: Hmmm... Judging by your eyes, I'd say 25, your skin, 20, and your body, 18.
Woman: Wow. You really know how to seduce a ...
Man: (interrupting) Hold on a sec while I add up these numbers.

The result will be 10 years out of date, you will feel harrassed, and you will be more confused than when you started.

When he is a third of the way through the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand if you are now willing to forgive your enemies." Half of the people in the church raise their hands, so the priest continues the sermon.

When he is two thirds of the way through the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand i... read more

They might be studying LeBron’s age.

I'd be farty and you'd be farty too.

I'm so old that I was around when the Dead Sea was just sick. (Told to me by my grandfather)

... it makes sense that we as a country are suffering from electile disfunction.
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Edit for autocorrect