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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

"Will you marry me?"


The Princess said "NO!"


And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and went fishing, and hunting, and played golf, and fucked women half his age, and drank beer, and scotch and had tons of money in the bank, and scratched his balls...

Which Disney Princess is always on dating apps?

Tinderella.

Which Princess tastes like chocolate?

Kinderella.

Men develop a type based on their favorite Disney princess.

I had a friend who was really into Cindarella and exclusively dates blonde women. Another loved snow white and is married to a woman with obsidian black hair. I was really into The Little Mermaid and that's why I am not allowed into the Fish Market anymore.

Why did princess peach choke?

Mario came down the wrong pipe.

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The Princess Royal is being shown around a military hospital.

As she approaches one of the beds the soldier blushes red and tries to hide under the sheet, but HRH is having none of it, and she asks the RSM showing her round: "What is this man's ailment, sergeant-major?".

"Haemorrhoids, ma'am!" says the RSM crisply. HRH curves a well-mannered eyebrow whi...

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess!"

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, ...

Did you know that Chewbacca's brother Pannubacca died when Princess Leia's home planet was destroyed?

Pannub, as his friends called him, had never had much luck with the ladies and was horribly shy due to his terribly crooked teeth. After years of loneliness Pannub decided to do something about his problem and flew to Leia's planet, which everyone knows was well known for their excellent orthodontis...

I was talking to a girl and she told me, "I need a man who will treat me like a princess"

So I hired the paparazzi to chase her and she died in a car crash.

My little daughter came to me all excited, shrieking, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in October!” Playing along, I laughed, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

.
It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them...

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A man badly wanted to lick the princess' boobs.

He decided to ask his friend Johnny, who works in the palace. He promised 2,000 gold coins to Johnny, he agreed instantly with the deal.


A few days later, Johnny goes and sprinkles itching powder on the princess' bra while she was taking a bath. The plan worked successfully, when the pr...

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What do you call a prince fucking a princess ?

Princest



Yeah i'll leave

Disney Princess Reunion

The Disney Princess reunion took place last week and all of the princesses were in attendance. The reunion was special because it had been 10 years since they were all together in one place at the same time. As the princesses arrived, they were directed to a table with name tags and were told to gi...

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The enchanted princess

An old man is walking in a park and hears a voice by a pond.

"Sir, I am an enchanted princess. If you set me free, I promise, I’ll be your sex slave forever."

The old man looks around but can see nothing.

As he's walking away, he hears the voice again.

"Sir, please let m...

What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

The Princess and the Frog

One day a Princess was walking in her private garden when she spotted a large frog sitting by the side of the pond, staring at her intensely. Having heard all the magical fairy stories, she approached the frog and asked: "Oh magical frog! Is it true that you will turn into a handsome prince if I kis...

Princess Diana was so young and new that when she got married ...

... she was barely regal.

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess

So I took her to Paris.

We went to wonderful restaurants and stayed in an expensive hotel.

Then I crashed our car in a tunnel and she died.

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Dolly Parton and Princess Diana pass away on the same day.

They arrive at the pearly gates at the very same time.

Saint Peter is waiting in judgment. With both women vying for entry, St. Peter announces, “Ladies, I only have one more space in Heaven today. You’ll have to prove you’re worthy.”

Dolly Parton laughs and says “No problem, Pete!” ...

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What is Princess Leia's favorite sex act?

Giving Han Jobs

Who is the heaviest member of the British royal family?

It's Diana, Princess of Whales.

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

3 dirty Star Wars jokes

1) Why was Han Solo suspicious when he finally got inside Princess Leia?

Because it was Luke warm

2) Why was Han Solo suspicious when he was eating Princess Leia?

Because she felt chewy

3) Did Han do the right thing when he confronted Leia about these?

No, that nig...

What does Princess Peach and Jesus have in common?

They both got nailed by an Italian

Why was princess Zelda sad after watching a bunch of YouTube videos?

She couldn't find the link in the description.

Who Did Princess Leia's Hair? (My daughter's joke)

Darth Braider



(I know, I know. She's a kid though. Lol)

My girlfriend is angry with me for incorrectly quoting the Princess Bride

Unbelievable!

A prince which was in love with a princess was cursed by a witch so that he could only say 1 word each year, he didn´t speak for 4 years until he finally said "Princess, I love you" Then the princess looked at him and said

"What did you say?"







Btw, i took this from a novel i red so some might have heard it before.

Why didn't the Disney Princess go to the doctor when she got sick?

Because the cold never bothered her anyway.

Did you know Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her head and shoulders in the glovebox

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess immediately said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support...

New Zelda game, starring just the princess, that ties all the story lines together...

"The Missing Link"

Heard a rumor that Iron Man is going to be the newest Disney Princess...

...they're always on the lookout for a strong Fe male character.

During the Middle Ages, a young prince is relaxing in his palace waiting for a love letter from a princess in the next kingdom.

A pigeon flies in holding a letter in its beak. The prince takes the letter, opens it and reads:

"Limited time special: Get your sword polished for only 5 gold coins."

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn’t wearing a seatbelt

What’s Princess Leia’s favourite song?

Riding solo - Jason Derulo

Mario is breaking up with Princess Peach

Peach: Is it me? Is it my fault?


Mario: No, it's-a not-a you, it's-a me, Mario!

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life...

...when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a...

Why did Princess Leia date so many guys before she found Han?

She was looking for love in Alderaan places.

Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?

Because she went to woo Han.

Princess asked if anyone who could fulfill all three requirements, she would marry him otherwise a death penalty...

Requirements:
1. Must drink plenty of alcohol.
2. Must kill the hungry lion inside a cage and bring the eyes.
3. Must make the princess happy in bed.

After hearing the announcement, a poor drunk man thought he would be able to drink free alcohol and die peacefully. Without a fur...

An 80 year old man finds a talking frog

An 80 year old man is out by a pond one day when a frog jumps onto a lily pad nearby.

“Excuse me sir,” says the frog, “I know I may appear to be just a frog, but I’m actually a beautiful princess. A witch has placed a curse on me to keep me in this form. The only thing that can break this cu...

Of all the Disney Princesses, Cinderella is the most experienced and competent at deep-throat

She is most well-known for struggling -- and ultimately **succeeding** -- in her desperate quest to reach the ball!

How do Disney princesses screw in a lightbulb?

They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them.

Once, long ago, there was an Indian princess.

She was called Princess Happybottom, but she was very unhappy. She wanted more than anything to just be a normal girl.
One day, a magician noticed her forlorn appearance, and asked how he could help. “I just want to be normal, with a normal name, and be treated like a normal person.”
“I would...

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A princess and her entourage are playing a truth-telling game.

She asks a knight if he has fathered any children. He looks down and says, “Alas, my Lady, I have not.”

The princess nods. “I believe it. You do not have the look of a man who could please his mistress. Your beard is a mere fuzz, and it is easy to tell from the state of the hay whether the pi...

Why did the warrior princess not die after being shot in the chest?

Because, plot armor...

A toddler, was giving her daddy a tea party

She brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea , her Mom came home, Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the...

I always wanted a life like a Disney princess

I should have specified not the part where they are stuck at home, cleaning the whole day

What would the next Frozen movie be called if the princess was black?

Afro-zen

I married a real princess!

Her mother is a royal pain.

Who do you guys think the hottest disney princess is?

for me, it has to be CINDERella

My 6 year old son told me this one. "What do you call a snowman that's having a threesome with two hot princesses?"

I slapped my son and abruptly deleted his youtube kids app.

My girlfriend told me she wanted to be treated like a princess

So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France.

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A long time ago in alternative universe far, far away, Grand Moff Tarkin is having sex with Princess Leia.

'Come!' she whispers breathlessly.

'Ejaculate?!' he cries. 'In my moment of triumph?'

Can everyone just shut up about that new movie about the ice princess?

They can't seem to let it go

What did Yoda said to Princess Lea after separating with Han Solo

" May divorce be with you "

A girl I am dating said, "I expect to be treated like a Disney Princess."

So I told her to pretend she is the Little Mermaid and stop talking.

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A princess wanted to get married...

Deep in the German forests, there was a huge castle. It housed the king, his beautiful daughter and some servants. One day, the princess decided that she wanted to get married to a man. When she confronted her father and told him about her decision, he got very displeased and denied her request. Aft...

What Is It Called When A Princess Matress Kills A Queen Matress?

Matricide.

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Princess and the frog.

A frog decides to visit a fortune teller to find out if he'll ever find his princess. The fortune teller reads his palm and after a few brief moments of contemplation, begins her reading. "I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" The frog, anxious for the possibilit...

I had an orgy with the Disney princesses

and one of them gave me crabs

My girlfriend said she wanted to be treated like a princess

So I used her as bait to lure an Italian plumber into my castle

What does Kylie Jenner and a Disney princess have in common?

They're both made by the hands of others.

Princess likes to date a lot of men

So when he proposed she took him to a crocodile infested lake she threw the ring in the water and said "Take it out" , so he took it out. She got really happy and said " All the other morons jumped in the lake".

Re-examining the legacy of Princess Diana

Researchers have concluded that compared to other royals her legacy was head and shoulders apart



At least, that's how they found her on the dashboard.

Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends & family?

She got involved with Alderaan people.

Why didn't Princess Fiona fall in love with Lord Farquaad?

He lacks Shrek's appeal

I wish women would stop asking me to treat them like princesses.

My alliances are strong and their heirs are betrothed.

My son wrote a short fairy tale about a prince who became a princess

He named it Once Upon a Wiener

(True story)

In light of the recent debates on whether Splash Mountain should remain the same or be remodeled after "The Princess and the Frog", let me give you some hints on which Disney movie I think it should be based on.

1. It's far from the most popular Disney film, but it definitely isn't without its fans.
2. It is notable for taking place in the Americas and featuring a mostly non-white cast.
3. One of the main characters of the movie is a selfish and lazy teenage prince who likes to party.
4. This princ...

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A teacher was giving her students a lecture about good manners.

She wanted to test how they would act in a certain circumstance, so she asked:
- Derek, imagine that you’re having dinner with a girl you love, and you suddenly want to go to the restroom during the meal. What would you say to her in this situation?
- “Stay right there, I’m going to pee.”
-...

An engineering student found a frog on his way to class

"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess" the frog said.

The student smiled, thought for a minute, and put the frog in his bag and kept walking.

After a few minutes, he heard the frog calling out again, so he took it out.

"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful p...

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

**Suitors:** [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

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The Princess with the cursed hand

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who had been cursed from young - any object that she touched with her hands instantly melted in just about three seconds, before disintegrating aftwerwards. She'd even killed her own father this way.

The Queen was desperate to remove this terri...

Princess Elsa will never catch the coronavirus...

She is the master of self ice-olation

I told my boyfriend that he better start treating me like a princess

So he flew me to Paris, got me drunk, and drove me into a tunnel pillar at 105 km/h.

Why was Mario interested in Princess Peach in the first place?

He heard she had a plum bum.

What do you call a princess that does meth?

Disney on ice

Exactly 22 years ago Princess Diana was on the radio...

...She was also on the windshield, dashboard, and glovebox.

She was a princess, He? a prince

She offered her honor.
He honored her offer.
All night long, it was
Honor, and Offer.

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In a kingdom lived a princess who slept with many men.

To stop this the king put a razor blade inside her vagina. Reportedly one man slept with her and got away unscathed so the king asked him how he did it, to which he replied: " I athe thfe pushhy."

I have an irrational fear of warrior princesses from different places.

You could say I'm xenaphobic

The princess at Walgreens

A princess was coming into Walgreens every day, standing at the photo department, waiting for her photos to get developed.

After seeing her doing this for so many days in a row, a kind employee asked if he could help her with anything. She shook her head sadly, and.

"Someday my prints...

Whenever a stranger in public calls my daughter “princess...”

I order them to bow before me, for I am apparently their King.

There is a conspiracy theory that claims Princess Diana was on the radio after her reported death.

I'd like to confirm this was completely true, she WAS on the radio, and the dashboard, the steering wheel, the back of the seats and the windscreen.

I asked Princess Leia for a list of her favorite bands...

It's Alderaan Duran

A young man, who fell in love with this beautiful princess always wished to be her lover, but being the poor peasant that he is, he didn't believe he could do so.

One day though, he found a mysterious lamp dug somewhere near the ground. He has heard a lot about the legends of genies and believed that rubbing it, might just be the answer to all his wishes. He then proceeded to rub the lamp, where he thought a genie would show up from, but instead though...a ge...

What's the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods?

Tigers got a much better driver

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