Rotten Jokes - 72 Hilarious Rotten Jokes

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My son turned 18 recently. I immediately threw out his spoiled, rotten ass.

I'm donating the rest of his corpse to science.

Why can't a rotten egg become a comedian?

He only has bad yolks

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash...

... Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:

"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to th...

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"

And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"

And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

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American tells to his Russian colleague:

"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him"

The Russian:

"When Putin passes by, we all piss on him"

The American:

"I exaggerated a little - we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit".

The Russian:

"And I ...

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

Nearly 3,000 people in Rotterdam plan to throw rotten eggs at Jeff Bezos' superyacht.

Great idea.

Getting underpaid people to clean up his mess.

As a cat, I'm overfed, over pampered, and spoiled rotten...

And I deserve much better than this!

I've heard a theory that the dinosaurs died out because their eggs became rotten.

It was a mass egg-stink-tion!

My girlfriend is always getting annoyed that I have a rotten sense of direction

I finally snapped, packed up my things and right.

Rotten Bananas aren't very...

a-peeling.

A man and his wife go to the dentist to get a rotten tooth removed

The man tells the dentist, "Look doc, I don't want any painkillers. No gas, no needles, nothing. Just get in, yank out the tooth, and we'll get out of here.

"I wish more of my patients had your fortitude," says the doctor admiringly. "Which tooth is rotten?"

The man turns to his wif...

I let my goats get whatever they want, they are spoiled rotten

I guess you could say I have a bleeting heart

Why do people give rotten food to Victor?

Because to the victor go the spoils.

Marvel's greatest villain is Thanos. DC's greatest villain

is Rotten Tomatoes.

What do /r/jokes and Rotten Tomatoes have in common?

The real joke is always in the comments.

Why does r/jokes smell like rotten eggs?

Because it's full of bad yolks.

Why is the number 288 like a rotten corpse?

It's two gross.

There was once a taxi driver named Skyye...

...who frequented the taxi stands by the port and, one day, a Russian captain flagged him down. The captain wanted a good time in New York City, so Skyye took him to an early Broadway show, a couple of exceptional bars, and to see the girls at an alley gambling joint.

Skyye dropped them off a...

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I used to be a necrophiliac

but the rotten bitch split on me.

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Man walks into a brothel...

...slaps down $500 on the counter, and tells the Madam that he wants the ugliest, nastiest, most toothless old broad she has, plus a rotten egg sandwich.

The Madam looks back at him, confused, and says "Sir, for this much money, you could have one of our most beautiful women and a steak dinne...

I tried to breed a Golden Retriever with a Rottweiler.

I ended up with a litter of rotten retrievers.

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A man went to the dentist with a severe toothache. The dentist looked into his mouth and told him he'd have to pull out a rotten tooth. The man said, "Whatever it takes. I can't stand the pain."

The dentist took out a needle and the man
said, "No, I'm scared to death of needles. Can
you use something else to kill the pain?"
The dentist said, "Sure, I'll just give you
some nitrous oxide instead."
The man said, "No can do, Doc. I'm allergic
to gas."
So the dentist gave hi...

What do you call 144 rotten eggs?

Gross.

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De parrot, he is dead

At dawn the telephone rings,

"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one t...

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When fucking a corpse...

The most difficult thing is to decide which one of you is more rotten.

A winery is looking for a taster and so the vintner puts an ad out in the paper.

The next day, a man arrives at the office. He has greasy hair and a five o'clock shadow, he's wearing a filthy jacket and torn jeans, he obviously hasn't had a shower since Christ was crucified, and he smells strongly of stale tobacco smoke and cheap beer. The vintner sees the man's obviously a ho...

Why did Sean Connery throw away his zucchini?

Courgette was rotten

3 men were on a flight

The first man has an apple. It was rotten so he throws it out the window.

The second man has an orange. It was also rotten so he throws it out the window.

The third man has a grenade. He sees the flight attendant coming and panics, so he throws it out the window.

A few seconds l...

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A small hare walks into Mr. Bear's Forest Grocery Store...

"Hey, Bear," he says, "Got any rotten carrots?"

"No, Hare," the bear responds. "I only have sweet fresh carrots. Do you want some?"

The hare shakes his head and walks out. The next mornings he walks in again.

"Hey, Bear, got any rotten carrots?"

"No," the bear says, "I've...

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What's the difference between a ripe and a rotten avocado?

About fifteen minutes.

^Motherfuckers...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

A German went to the store to pick up some eggs. But all the eggs at the store were rotten.

I guess you could say it was a bad yolk.

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Emotions

Three guys are walking home when they spot a house party, they get to the door and realize it's costume only, one of them notices a red can of paint in the garbage and paints his face red walks to the door a says I'm red with anger, second guy spot a green can of spray paint and sprays his face sayi...

Why didn't Doc Brown cross the road?

Because where he went they don't need no roads.

On a side note, after watching that movie again I actually saw him use a banana that was rotten or whatever instead of plutonium for fuel...

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This bloke goes out to the bush to visit a mate...

He's there for a couple of days, until he's bored shitless. So he says to his mate, "Fuck me rotten, I'm so bored. What do you do for fun mate?"

His mate replies, "Well, you can go shooting tomorrow if you like. Take out my 303 and my dogs. That's always fun."

So he goes out the nex...

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A guy walks into a bar without money…

He asks the bartender if he can get a free drink. The bartender kindly replies there are no free drinks on offer, but he could actually try the challenge and win free drinks for the rest of his life…

Naturally, the guy is interested; ‘So tell me about that challenge!’

The bartender exp...

There are these two homeless guys drinking cooking sherry in an alleyway........

when one says to the other. "Man I'm starving. There's a rotten frozen dead cat in the alley back there. I've gonna go eat it. You want in on this?"

The second guy says "No way am I going to eat a rotten frozen dead cat. That's nasty." So his buddy says "Suit yourself." And goes to town eatin...

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Two Italian men while having drinks in a bar

One says, "E Flavio, do you like big girls who thomp thomp every time she walk?"

Flavio, "no Giuseppe"

Giuseppe, "how about one with a moustache, beard and hair all over the chest you can grab onto?"

"No Giuseppe, i don't like"

Giuseppe, "how about a woman who has a voice...

A vacuum salesman knocked on a newly built home

A lady opened the door. The salesman rushed into the home and threw rotten scrambled eggs, fries and hot dogs on the carpet floor. Before the lady said anything, the salesman said "Mam, the vacuum i have is the best in business. I'll vacuum every single thing and also ensure there is no odor. If i f...

Why are there no vegan DC heroes?

Because they are afraid of rotten tomatoes.

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"I'm the strongest man alive"

said the drunk man to the bartender.

"Oh really? Well we actually have our own local strongman competition, if you're interested. Keep in mind, it's a bit obscure. You up for it?"

"Psh. I can do anything," he slurs.

"Okay. Your first test is behind that door. You need to hogtie...

Two starving men are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat...

He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other man, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second man, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
"...

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A guy is sitting in a bar when he sees a jar full of $50 & $100 bills

He turns to the bartender and asks what the jar is all about.

“You can put a $50 or $100 bill in there and get it back as well as win all the money in the jar if you complete three tasks that I give you”

The guy says oh alright and continues drinking his beer. A while has passed now a...

Why did the zombie take a day off work?

He was feeling really rotten.

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January, 1774. Revolution stirs in the English colonies.

January, 1774. Revolution stirs in the English colonies. Just last month a rebel group called the Sons of Liberty caused a ruckus in Boston about tea being taxed too high. Tax collectors tarred and feathered. High anti royalist sentiment. William Cotillion, King George's personal advisor to the colo...

An elderly woman goes to the hospital

She tells her doctor "Doctor, I have a very strange problem. I fart continuously, like several times per minute. In fact, I have farted three times since I entered this room, but you probably didn't realize it because my farts are always silent, and have no smell whatsoever. It is still very annoyin...

Tomato

Not sure if this translates well from my Albanian origins

So their was a farmer woman and she is tending her crops and notices her tomatoes are brown and rotten. She looks over to her neighbors and they were bright red and juicy.

So one day she sees her neighbor and asks him.

“H...

Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?

Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.

Accounting Joke (from my professor)

A priest, a lawyer, and an accountant were all at the bedside of a very ill man. The man said to them,

"Gentlemen, I'm dying. Before I go, however, I want to ask you one final favor: My family is rotten and I don't want to give any of them an inheritance. I would like to be buried with the r...

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For All You Disney Fans, here’s a little Story about the time I rode the Monorail at Disneyland

One time while riding the monorail at Disneyland, I let out the loudest, wettest, deepest and almost foul smelling fart I have ever ripped in my life. There are no words in the English language that can describe the absolute rancidity of this fart. It was so putrid that actual green gas was visible ...

Wrong Excuse

"Armstrong," the boss said, "I happen to know that the reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf."
"That's a rotten lie!" Armstrong protested. "And I have the fish to prove it!"

Why was the Marine dishonorably discharged?

He was rotten to the Corps.

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The Tough Man Contest

A man walks into a bar and is greeted by a woman. The woman asks the man if he would like to partake in the tough man contest. He agrees, and asks her how to win.

She says, "Well, first you'll have to pour yourself 10 shots of whiskey, knock that guy out cold at the bar, pull the dogs rotten ...

Did you hear the one about the evil tuna?

He was rotten to the albacore.

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The Bar Challenge

A man walks into a bar....

Upon sitting down, he notices a sizeable jar behind the bar, full to the brim with $50 notes.

He says to the barmaid: “What’s with all the cash in the jar?”

The barmaid replies: “It’s for our bar challenge, which consists of three different tasks”. Y...

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There are three naked men outside a Halloween party.

The one guideline to enter the party was that the person trying to get in must have a costume. Near the Halloween party, there was a trash can. None of the men had costumes, obviously, so they agreed to search through the trash can to look for anything to wear as a costume.

The first man foun...

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Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family

So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the ...

Two eggs are chatting in a fridge

The first one says: eeewwww, look at the egg in the corner, it’s completly rotten. The second egg replies: yes, you’re right, it’s green and covered with hair, sooo disgusting.
The third egg turns around, rolls his eyes and declares: I am a kiwi, stupid...

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Challenge Jar

A man walks into a bar. He approaches the bartender to order his drink and can’t help but notice a huge glass jar packed to the brim with $100 bills.

So the man asks the bartender, “What’s the deal with that jar?”

The bartender replies, “That’s our challenge jar. You put $100 in and i...

Congratulations on Breaking 100,000, /r/jokes!

To follow the sidebar I present you the worst and unfunniest joke I know:

What did the car say to the cow? BEEF BEEF!

What did the cow say to the car? MOOOOOOOOOOOve

Haha! Please don't forget to purchase the best rotten tomatoes nearby to throw at me, they are of the best ro...

A man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza

CALLER: Is this #PizzaHut?

GOOGLE:No sir, it's Google Pizza

CALLER: Sorry, I have Dailed wrong number

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:Ok, I would like to order a pizza

GOOGLE:Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know ...

I prefer driving with a strong tail wind

But my wife says that's not what the term means, and all I'm doing is making the car smell like rotten eggs.

A drunk man staggers out of a bar late at night.

Struggling to keep his balance, he grabs on to a nearby pole to be able to stand still. A few minutes later a fire engine zooms by blaring its sirens. Looking at the truck, the man started running furiously after it and yelling incoherently, but after a good kilometre, he finally collapsed and panti...

I managed to get a butler who works for free

I normally have really rotten luck, but I managed to get a butler who works for free. However, when I saw him, I realised he has lost his left arm;

Serves me right...

Why shouldn't you hang out with zombies?

They make rotten friends

Don't step on the chickens

Three men die and come to the pearly gates. They swing open and they hear the voice of god booming: "Be welcome to heaven, but don't step on the chickens!" and as far as the eye can see there are chickens EVERYWHERE.

One guy is like, "forget this!" and instantly steps on a chicken. They hear ...

A man walks into a bar and goes to order a drink.

A man walks into a bar and goes to order a drink, he sees a jar full of ten dollar bills and asks the bartender why it's there, and the bartender replies "I have a challenge going on here, you put ten dollars in the jar, and if you can complete three tasks, you get all the money in the jar." The man...

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Two necrophiles are discussing their love lives.

Necrophile 1: What happened with you and Brenda?

Necrophile 2: Ah, you know how it is. . .the rotten cunt split on me.

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas.

Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hea...

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Two necrophiliacs are having lunch together.

One asks the other "so how's your love life?"
His friend replies "not so good, that rotten cunt split on me"

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