After months in quarantine, I have something in common with a rotten egg..

It has been months since I was laid too.

As a cat, I'm overfed, over pampered, and spoiled rotten...

And I deserve much better than this!

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A woman’s elderly husband dies...

At first the woman was hysterical because she had gotten used to having sex multiple times a week and the man had been very good. She comes up with the idea to preserve her husbands memory and she would cut off his penis and stick it in a hole in her floorboards to continue pleasuring herself even a...

A man and his wife go to the dentist to get a rotten tooth removed

The man tells the dentist, "Look doc, I don't want any painkillers. No gas, no needles, nothing. Just get in, yank out the tooth, and we'll get out of here.

"I wish more of my patients had your fortitude," says the doctor admiringly. "Which tooth is rotten?"

The man turns to his wif...

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom...

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and ...

My girlfriend is always getting annoyed that I have a rotten sense of direction

I finally snapped, packed up my things and right.

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The Pub Game

A guy walks into a pub in the middle of the countryside and orders a pint. While the barman is pouring his drink he notices a jar behind the bar that's stuffed with cash, must be close to £5000 in there. Curious, he asks the barman, "what's this about?"

"Ah, it's a little game we got 'ere" sa...

A man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza

CALLER: Is this #PizzaHut?

GOOGLE:No sir, it's Google Pizza

CALLER: Sorry, I have Dailed wrong number

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:Ok, I would like to order a pizza

GOOGLE:Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know ...

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It was the first session of a packed literary festival.

As was his wont, one particular writer hogged the mic and was refusing to let go.

A seasoned festival-attendee, who had borne the torture of said writer nobly over several festivals, had come prepared this time: with a dozen rotten eggs.

When the writer took a deep breath to launch int...

A little IDAHO HUMOR From John H. Hill

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,

and finally they got married, and had a little sweet

potato, which they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going...

A vacuum salesman knocked on a newly built home

A lady opened the door. The salesman rushed into the home and threw rotten scrambled eggs, fries and hot dogs on the carpet floor. Before the lady said anything, the salesman said "Mam, the vacuum i have is the best in business. I'll vacuum every single thing and also ensure there is no odor. If i f...

I let my goats get whatever they want, they are spoiled rotten

I guess you could say I have a bleeting heart

What do you call a rotten car?

A Carrot.

Why do people give rotten food to Victor?

Because to the victor go the spoils.

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"


And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"


And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

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The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gi...

Why did the zombie take a day off work?

He was feeling really rotten.

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An old fisherman suspected his wife of cheating, so he hired a private investigator...

This is a long one, so bear with me.

The fisherman and his wife lived in Saint John’s, Newfoundland and he made his living by going out into the ocean to net cod under the watchful eye of his captain.

In those days, the best fishing was to be found far out on the banks very far from...

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by bea...

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American tells to his Russian colleague:

"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him"

The Russian:

"When Putin passes by, we all piss on him"

The American:

"I exaggerated a little - we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit".

The Russian:

"And I ...

What do /r/jokes and Rotten Tomatoes have in common?

The real joke is always in the comments.

Why is the number 288 like a rotten corpse?

It's two gross.

Why does r/jokes smell like rotten eggs?

Because it's full of bad yolks.

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"I'm the strongest man alive"

said the drunk man to the bartender.

"Oh really? Well we actually have our own local strongman competition, if you're interested. Keep in mind, it's a bit obscure. You up for it?"

"Psh. I can do anything," he slurs.

"Okay. Your first test is behind that door. You need to hogtie...

John was a police officer known for being brutal and unjust.

He was a malicious man, injuring people for shoplifting and killing robbers. His partner, a blonde officer, never called him out for it, always blinded by her own ignorance. After work one day, he and she heard something in the closet. John moved in to investigate, when a man in a pig mask jumped ou...

Wrong Excuse

"Armstrong," the boss said, "I happen to know that the reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf."
"That's a rotten lie!" Armstrong protested. "And I have the fish to prove it!"

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For All You Disney Fans, here’s a little Story about the time I rode the Monorail at Disneyland

One time while riding the monorail at Disneyland, I let out the loudest, wettest, deepest and almost foul smelling fart I have ever ripped in my life. There are no words in the English language that can describe the absolute rancidity of this fart. It was so putrid that actual green gas was visible ...

Google knows!

Subject: Today's Reality


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?


GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.


CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.


GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.


CALLER: OK. I would like to order a ...

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A serial killer was on trial....

The prosecution began its case.

"We allege the accused rendered the victim unconscious and then using his saw .."

At which point a guy at the back shouts out "you rotten bastard"

The judge calls for order and asks the spectators to refrain from shouting out.

The prosecuti...

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Two Italian men while having drinks in a bar

One says, "E Flavio, do you like big girls who thomp thomp every time she walk?"

Flavio, "no Giuseppe"

Giuseppe, "how about one with a moustache, beard and hair all over the chest you can grab onto?"

"No Giuseppe, i don't like"

Giuseppe, "how about a woman who has a voice...

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Challenge Jar

A man walks into a bar. He approaches the bartender to order his drink and can’t help but notice a huge glass jar packed to the brim with $100 bills.

So the man asks the bartender, “What’s the deal with that jar?”

The bartender replies, “That’s our challenge jar. You put $100 in and i...

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What's the difference between a ripe and a rotten avocado?

About fifteen minutes.

^Motherfuckers...

What do you call 144 rotten eggs?

Gross.

A German went to the store to pick up some eggs. But all the eggs at the store were rotten.

I guess you could say it was a bad yolk.

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I used to be a homosexual necrophiliac

Until the rotten arsehole split on me

Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?

Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.

A drunk man staggers out of a bar late at night.

Struggling to keep his balance, he grabs on to a nearby pole to be able to stand still. A few minutes later a fire engine zooms by blaring its sirens. Looking at the truck, the man started running furiously after it and yelling incoherently, but after a good kilometre, he finally collapsed and panti...

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash. Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:

"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's d...

Marvel's greatest villain is Thanos. DC's greatest villain

is Rotten Tomatoes.

Two eggs are chatting in a fridge

The first one says: eeewwww, look at the egg in the corner, it’s completly rotten. The second egg replies: yes, you’re right, it’s green and covered with hair, sooo disgusting.
The third egg turns around, rolls his eyes and declares: I am a kiwi, stupid...

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The Bar Challenge

A man walks into a bar....

Upon sitting down, he notices a sizeable jar behind the bar, full to the brim with $50 notes.

He says to the barmaid: “What’s with all the cash in the jar?”

The barmaid replies: “It’s for our bar challenge, which consists of three different tasks”. Y...

Why was the Marine dishonorably discharged?

He was rotten to the Corps.

An elderly woman goes to the hospital

She tells her doctor "Doctor, I have a very strange problem. I fart continuously, like several times per minute. In fact, I have farted three times since I entered this room, but you probably didn't realize it because my farts are always silent, and have no smell whatsoever. It is still very annoyin...

I prefer driving with a strong tail wind

But my wife says that's not what the term means, and all I'm doing is making the car smell like rotten eggs.

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A guy is sitting in a bar when he sees a jar full of $50 & $100 bills

He turns to the bartender and asks what the jar is all about.

“You can put a $50 or $100 bill in there and get it back as well as win all the money in the jar if you complete three tasks that I give you”

The guy says oh alright and continues drinking his beer. A while has passed now a...

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The secret fishing bait

An angler walks into a tackle shop and heads to the counter. “Give me the best bait you’ve got,” he says. “My buddy told me there’s a fishing spot down by the creek here, and he always get lots of bites when using your bait.”

The clerk pulls out a small jar of bait which fills the shop with ...

Tomato

Not sure if this translates well from my Albanian origins

So their was a farmer woman and she is tending her crops and notices her tomatoes are brown and rotten. She looks over to her neighbors and they were bright red and juicy.

So one day she sees her neighbor and asks him.

“H...

Why are there no vegan DC heroes?

Because they are afraid of rotten tomatoes.

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The Tough Man Contest

A man walks into a bar and is greeted by a woman. The woman asks the man if he would like to partake in the tough man contest. He agrees, and asks her how to win.

She says, "Well, first you'll have to pour yourself 10 shots of whiskey, knock that guy out cold at the bar, pull the dogs rotten ...

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Going to Hell [Long]

The evil man arrived in Hell and was immediately greeted by his Eternal Assignment Demon. They walked down a dank hallway until they came upon a door. “This is your first option of three for you to serve your eternal damnation. Behold.” The EAD slides the hatch on the door and the evil man (let’s ca...

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Trmp, Putin and Duterte all died on the same day

After they die, the wake up in a building. The three of them not knowing what was going on.

After some small talk, they hear a deep and loud voice saying.

- " Rodrigo Duterte, room 623"

Duterte, followed by Trump and Putin starts looking for this room, and after a long search ...

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A man goes out for cigarettes

After an uneventful dinner with his wife, a man realizes he's out of cigarettes and decides to stop at his local bar for a pack. The bartender says they just started selling a new micro brew and offers him one on the house, so he decides to stay for one drink.

When he's just about finish...

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A man walks into a bar...

He asks the bartender: "What do I have to do to drink for free here for the rest of my life?". The bartenders says: "Alright, if you do three things for me, I'll give you everything you can drink for the rest of your life! First you must drink three pints of whiskey in one minute. After this you mus...

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NSFW - Long - A man takes a trip to a bar in Florida

While drinking, the Bartender tells the man that they have a local challenge, which no one has ever actually successfully completed. However, the prize is free liquor from that bar for the rest of the man's life. The man, never one to back down, decides to bite, and asks the Bartender about the chal...

Accounting Joke (from my professor)

A priest, a lawyer, and an accountant were all at the bedside of a very ill man. The man said to them,

"Gentlemen, I'm dying. Before I go, however, I want to ask you one final favor: My family is rotten and I don't want to give any of them an inheritance. I would like to be buried with the r...

A Baked Bean lover

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never...

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(fairly gosh darn NSFW) Yeah, so, I'm a necrophiliac, right...

.....I *had* a girlfriend, but the rotten cunt split on me.

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There are three naked men outside a Halloween party.

The one guideline to enter the party was that the person trying to get in must have a costume. Near the Halloween party, there was a trash can. None of the men had costumes, obviously, so they agreed to search through the trash can to look for anything to wear as a costume.

The first man foun...

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Double Homicide

A double-homicide defendant is in court.

The Judge says to him "You've been charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice in the back of the courtroom yells out "YOU BASTARD!"

The Judge then adds "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death wi...

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Man walks into a brothel...

...slaps down $500 on the counter, and tells the Madam that he wants the ugliest, nastiest, most toothless old broad she has, plus a rotten egg sandwich.

The Madam looks back at him, confused, and says "Sir, for this much money, you could have one of our most beautiful women and a steak dinne...

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A jungle explorer is captured by natives

and is brought before the tribal chief.

"Trespassing in our jungle is punishable by death." says the the chief, "We can kill you right now quickly and painlessly, or you can try and survive a test of courage and win your freedom."

"What's the test of courage?" Asks the explorer.
...

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The parrot is dead

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that ...

I managed to get a butler who works for free

I normally have really rotten luck, but I managed to get a butler who works for free. However, when I saw him, I realised he has lost his left arm;


Serves me right...

Bill Clinton Survives Bear Attack

(Interview following incident in Yellowstone National Park)

Interviewer: This must have been a terrifying situation Bill. How did you end up face-to-face with a Grizzly?

Bill: Well me and Mrs. Clinton were driving through the park. I saw a couple young ladies walking down a trail and f...

The king

Once there was a great tribal king. Fearlessly, he led his troops into battle. He settled disputes fairly, and ruled with grace and compassion. And he lived a humble life. No palaces for this king; he lived in a straw hut just like the rest of his subjects, and shared out the tribes resources so tha...

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A man walks into a bar...

.... And orders a drink. As the bartender is getting it for him, he notices a jar of ten dollar bills on the counter.

"What are those for?" He asks.

"We have a competition running." Replies the bartender. "You put ten dollars in the jar and I give you three tasks. If you complete the t...

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas.

Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hea...

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Lady Golfer NSFW

Jerry asks the clubhouse barman if there is anyone available to join him for a round of golf. The barman says "Only that lady over there, Susan" Jerry is a little reluctant to play with a woman but the barman assures him that she's quite good in fact she plays off the same 9 handicap as him. They pl...

Not Murder

A man grew weary of dealing with the world so he created a clone of himself. But something went terribly wrong. The clone was crass, rude and extremely vulgar. He sent the clone of himself into the world anyway to do his work.

The clone return back to him in a few hours and the man was surpri...

A winery is looking for a taster and so the vintner puts an ad out in the paper.

The next day, a man arrives at the office. He has greasy hair and a five o'clock shadow, he's wearing a filthy jacket and torn jeans, he obviously hasn't had a shower since Christ was crucified, and he smells strongly of stale tobacco smoke and cheap beer. The vintner sees the man's obviously a ho...

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[NSFW][Long] Little Johnny grew up afraid of women

His mother told him from an early age that women were dangerous, and that if he went anywhere near their private parts he would get hurt, because there were teeth in there, and they would bite him.

So years and years of Johnny avoiding women went by until one day, he was with a nice girl that...

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A small hare walks into Mr. Bear's Forest Grocery Store...

"Hey, Bear," he says, "Got any rotten carrots?"

"No, Hare," the bear responds. "I only have sweet fresh carrots. Do you want some?"

The hare shakes his head and walks out. The next mornings he walks in again.

"Hey, Bear, got any rotten carrots?"

"No," the bear says, "I've...

An American, An Englishman, and a German are walking down a country road...

...When they see storm clouds on the horizon. Not wanting to spend the night out in the cold rain, they run for the nearest shelter they can make out: A farmhouse. They ask the farmer if they can stay the night, and he replies, "Well, I DID have three beds, but one of them got infected with bedbugs....

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Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family

So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the ...

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The Medicrin Story - taken from a Boy Scouting website

Long ago, before Gamecubes, before Playstations, even before Atari, there were nasty, vile monsters roaming the land. In those days, a few brave, strong men made their living by protecting common people from these beasts. This is a story about one such man named Erik and the adventure he had. 
...

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My girlfriends hot sister

A man who was very close to proposing to his girlfriend was on his way from work when he received a phone call from his girlfriend.
“Hey honey can you please meet at my sisters place for dinner tonight”?

The man agreed and drove over to his girlfriends sisters house. Now this wasn’t out o...

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[NSFW] A Pole, a Russian and a German set a bet with the devil

They claim that within half a year each would set up a shop that would have everything in it.

When the time passes, the devil visits the Russian and sees a nice big shopping mall with lots of stores in it. The devil nods in appreciation:

"Nice shop you have here, Nikolai. You sure you ...

A man was sitting in a pub

As a man with a swollen eye and bloody nose walks up to the bar and gives the bartender a $50 bill.

Behind the bar he sees the bartender put the $50 bill in a large jar full of money and the man leaves.

He asks the bartender about the jar of money and the bartender says "oh that's th...

Why shouldn't you hang out with zombies?

They make rotten friends

The devil went down to Georgia looking for a soul to steal

He was walking along the country road when he saw a boy playing his fiddle on the side of the road.

The devil walks up to him and says, "Hey boy, you're pretty good with that fiddle, but I bet that I'm better than you."

The little boy says, "Alright, mister. What do you have in mind?"<...

There are these two homeless guys drinking cooking sherry in an alleyway........

when one says to the other. "Man I'm starving. There's a rotten frozen dead cat in the alley back there. I've gonna go eat it. You want in on this?"

The second guy says "No way am I going to eat a rotten frozen dead cat. That's nasty." So his buddy says "Suit yourself." And goes to town eatin...

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Divorcee

Heard this from a friend a couple years back...

A man named Ted has recently been divorced. It was ugly; his wife got the dog, the nice house in the suburbs and the car, and Ted is forced to stay in a shitty motel in an even shittier part of town. Depressed and with nothing left to lose, Ted...

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The avid fisherman. NSFW

A man checks into the the office at a fishing lodge in the Scottish highlands. After being given the key to his cabin he asks that he be given a 6 am wakeup call because he wanted to get started as early as possible.

The next morning after a quick breakfast he strides out of his cabin and pas...

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When I was 10

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumb...

A compass, a cough drop, and a match.

As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.


One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for anothe...

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