First day as a pilot. Control tower: Can you give me your position? Me: I am next to a cloud that looks like a lion. Control tower: Can you be more specific?

Me: Simba

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.

The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he ask...

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A girl smoked some weed and tried to give me a blowjob. She just ended up sucking my chest.

She was too high

Give me your best kids knock-knock jokes!

My 4 year old is a budding comedian, and her new favourite is knock-knock jokes. She keeps asking me for new ones that she can tell to people, but I can't find many good ones that she will understand.

The current go-to's are:

Knock knock -- Who's there? -- Europe! -- Europe who? -- No,...

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.”

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”

"Here, you take the baby and give me the eggs....

...You always drop everything!"

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I once dated a German girl that used to give me marks out of ten for sex...

she particularly liked anal, every time I put it in she screamed nein! nein! nein!

Stairs really freak me out and give me anxiety

I think I need to approach this fear step by step

I sued the airport the other day because they didn’t want to give me my luggage

Guess what, I lost the case

The Three Simple Things in This World That Give Me The Most Joy In This Life Are…

Eating Puppies and Not Using Commas Appropriately.

My boss said he'd give me a bonus if I did an impression of a frog.

I jumped at the opportunity.

Wife: Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary? Husband: A trip to Paris. Wife: Wow! That’s wonderful! How about for our 50th?

I’ll pick you back up.

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

I asked my Granddaughter to give me the newspaper. She said that newspapers are so out of date, and that people now use tablets, so she handed me her iPad.

That Fly didn't stand a chance.

“Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I have to go run the marathon tomorrow.”

Cop: That’s not how you play the race card.

I've heard people say that smoking will give me diseases

But what they don't know is it cures salmon!

Him "I know we agreed to trade my cheese for your chicken, but I forgot the cheese at home. Will you still give me the chicken?"

Her "Absolutely not! You know what they say: 'No parm, no fowl!'".

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

My mum's favourite piece of advice to give me when I was growing up was, "Whenever life puts an obstacle in your way, the best way to deal with it is to tackle it head on".

I used to think she was wise but now I'm nursing a concussion and being sued for damages, since my neighbor parked in front of my driveway last week.

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I've been getting the same prostitute to come to my work and secretly give me felatio for a while now. I forgot to tell her that I was sick yesterday and had to call in a cover.

Safe to say my cover was blown...

Don't give me excuses, I wrote the book on excuses!

Well, I started to, I mean, Its hard, and I got a lot to do...

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My girlfriend said she wants to split her tongue to give me the best blowjobs

Now I look at snakes all different.

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

Teacher: "Billy, can you give me a sentence with the word contagious in it?"

Billy: "Trump should have responded to the COVID-19 outbreak quickly and decisively but it took the contagious"

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

I asked my dad, “Why did you give me the name Achilles?”

He said, “Because you broke through the Trojan wall.”

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A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an "i" in it.

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an 'i' in it.

Johnny: I is...

Teacher: No, Johnny, when you say 'i', it should be followed by 'am'

Johnny: Okay, I am the 9th letter of the alphabet

My mom told me she’d give me $200 if I passed my math exam and my dad told me he’d give me $500

Looks like I’m getting $1000 today Reddit!

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man asks, “And how would you do that?”



The woman says, “Just wait and see.”



She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.



The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?”



The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”



The boss th...

*Points gun* "Give me all your money!"

"Please no, I have kids."

"Nah, I'd rather have the money."

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”

Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

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Guy walk into a bar and says "Bartender, give me 12 beer I'm celebrating my first blow job."

The bartender says, "Hell let me buy you one too!"

The guy, "Nah, if twelve don't get the taste out of my mouth, I don't think 13 will."

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural...

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural (or any pain meds at all).

I asked if the tattoo was the reason, and the anesthesiologist said “no, it’s because your wife is the one giving birth, not you, sir.”

I've seen a lot of you getting the funniest jokes from your kids, so I tried asking my lil sister to give me one too

She told me to look into the mirror

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Susie and Johnny work the typical nine to five, one day Susie turns to johnny and says, "you know what its a nice day I bet you I can get the boss to give me the day off....

To johnnies surprise he asks her how shes going to do that, she says watch me. So the boss walks in for his usual team check up and Susie is hanging upside down from the rafters. Furios but concerned the boss asks her what shes doing, to which Susie replies, Im a light bulb look at me, so the boss s...

Just got an email from a Nigerian prince, he says he'll give me all of his wealth for free.

Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger.

My wife said she really wanted to give me a titjob.

I said "OK, but if I come too fast, it's on you."

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Pete writes a letter to Santa the day before Christmas. It says: "Dear Santa, please be so kind and give me 100$, I was a good kid this year and we are very poor".

He posts it and waits patiently. The next day one of tha mailmen opens it and reads the letter. He feels really sorry for the kid knowing he won't get the money.

The postman talks to other colleagues and they feel sorry for the poor kid too. They manage to assemble 50$ only. Although it's not...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Give me 30 minutes, and I will give you some truly amazing sex...

Then afterwards, we'll still have 28 minutes to do something else fun!

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A man walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me five shots of vodkas."

The bartender brings the drinks, raises an eyebrow and empathetically asks, "What up, man. Rough day?"

The man downs his first shot and says, "Just found out my eldest son is gay. I ain't prejudice, but I was raised how I was raised. I just need a bit of spirit to accept it."

Two night...

In high school some kids told me they’d give me $20 to hang out with them.

Turns out it was just clique bait.

Robber: "Put your hands in the air and give me all your money!"

Bank teller: "Make up your mind!"

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Woman in the 1800s becomes very upset after seeing the painting an artist had done for her. She says to him, "I tell you I want a painting commemorating my husband's last thoughts, and you give me cows with halos and Indians making love?”

"Miss," he says. "Those are your husband's last thoughts." "Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians."

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient. "Give me the good news first," the patient said.

"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live." "That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "I've been trying to reach you for two days...

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Give me some chocolate ice cream, please!

she said to the clerk.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate".

"Ok, then, give me some chocolate ice cream".

"I told you, we don't have any!"

"Well, I'll settle for chocolate ice cream".

The exasperated clerk says
"Can you spell 'straw' as in st...

Why did The T-Rex give me a handgun?

He was a small arms dealer

An indian and Albert einstein make a bet, Albert einstein says for every question you say and I don't have an answer for I will give you $500 and when I have a question you can't answer you will give me $5. The indian agrees. Albert asks him what 96950x30857 is, then the indian gives him $5 then...

The indian asks him, what goes up a mountain with 3 legs and comes down with 4, albert is stumped and gives him $500 then curious albert asks the indian what does go up a mountain with 3 legs and come down with 4? Then the indian gives him $5

Due to the coin shortage the restaurant didn’t give me any change.

It’s non-cents.

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A man goes into a bar and orders for a beer. "Here's what you do, you give me a fresh new bottle each time I finish until I tell you to stop." he tells the bartender

The bartender sees nothing wrong with his request, and nods.

Immediately the man downs his beer, pulls out his wallet, looks at a picture, and downs another bottle. He does this routinely until he reaches 10 bottles at which he finally takes out money from his wallet, pays for the beers, and ...

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player?

**Me:** once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married.

**Interviewer:** and you?

**Me:** distracted her husband with an interview

A Scotsman just offered to give me a box of silverware and a case of Wrigley's

So I said "I can take your knives, but I'll never take your free gum"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a kid my brothers and I came downstairs for breakfast, my mom asked my youngest brother what he wanted to eat and he said “give me some goddamn fruit loops!” My mom flipped her lid and said get your butt back upstairs now!” And then asked my middle brother what he wanted and he said..

“I want some of those goddamn fruit loops!” Again my mom flips her lid and smacks my brother right in the mouth! She then glares at me and says “so now!, what do you want for breakfast?!” And I said “I sure as fuck don’t want any of those goddamn fruit loops!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend keeps trying to give me a blowjob on the treadmill

It’s a running gag

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!"

The man says, "Don't you mean history?"

The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"

I stopped at the bank today and had them give me 500 fresh dollar bills.

Hey...It's cheaper than buying toilet paper...

A cop pulled me over and was going to give me a ticket for talking on the phone and driving.

I told him he couldn't do that because it was my wife and I was just listening.

At a picnic my 5 year old Hispanic son came over to give me a drink..

He fell on the ground and I pointed at his pants and said "mucho grassy ass"

I thought eating abalone would give me bad breath

but it turns out I was just reading the genus wrong.

A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle."

His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is."

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A prostitute walked up to me and said, "I'll do anything you want if you give me $30"

Guess who's getting his porch repainted!

A guy on the street stopped me to give me a flier on anger management.

I lost it.

When I was seven my dad told me he would give me the life He never had

Nice to know he was happy

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Little Johnny was in class and the teacher said "today I am going to give you a letter and I want you to give me a word that begins with that letter."

So the teacher says "A" and Little Johnny immediately raises his hand but the teacher knows he will say asshole so she calls on Little Mary and she says "apple."

"Very good" the teacher replied. "Okay, how about the letter B"

Little Johnny once again immediately raises his hand and s...

My friend tied me to a tree with a rope and told he will give me 50$ if I escape

I told him It's knot possible

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"The car insurance company down the road wouldn't give me an offer because I'm gay. Will you guys help me?"

"Of course we will. We're Progressive."

This women walks into a bar and says, "Give me an entendre. Make it a double."

So the bartender gives it to her

E: credit to /u/Narzgul85

give me an example of a tragedy?

Tony Abbott was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in
the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Abbott if he would like to lead the discussion on
the word 'Tragedy'.
So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a '...

Teacher: "Someone please give me a palindrome."

Student: "Ma'am?"

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Teacher: give me a sentence with "zebra"

Student: last night, the only thing between my hand and my gf's boobs was zebra

Give me a compliment.

A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband: "I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".

A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked. The assailant says "Give me all your money".

The politician says "Do you know who I am? I'm an important government official". The mugger says "Fine, give me all my money"

Dogs: "They feed me, they care for me, they give me a place to sleep...they must be gods"

Cats: "They feed me, they care for me, they give me a place to sleep...I must be a god."

While performing I asked the crowd to give me a hand.

When I was given a hand, I realised I should have thought twice about performing at the Leper Colony.

Told my boss that I wasn't coming in because my wife refused to give me a BJ.

He sighed and said, "Frankly, Tom, I think that's unacceptable."


"Exactly," I said. "But try telling her that."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy storms into a bank, pulls out his gun, points it at a teller and hollers, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” Trembling, the teller stammers, “D...d...don’t y...y...you m...m...mean h...h...history?”

The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!”

JESUS WAS BORED so he went to God, his father and asked him, "Dad, give me something to do, I am bored! "

"Take a file and smooth the top of the Himalayas," said God.
After 7,000 years Jesus came back again. "And now what can I do?" he asked God again.
God gave him a spoon and told him to empty the Indian Ocean.
After 7,000 years, he was back again. "It's done... and now?" he asked God. ...

I just wish she'd give me the time of day...

...I should really get around to fixing my watch

My professor decided to give me individual lessons as punishment for always being late. I was instructed to arrive half an hour before class started. “Remember”, he said, “if you’re on time, you’re late, but if you’re early, you’re on time”.

The next morning, I dashed straight to class, making it there exactly a half hour before class started, and unsure if this counted as being late.

“I’m here professor, what’s the lesson about?”, I asked.


“Well, it’s about time.”

A guy wearing a leather jacket told me that if I gave him a hundred bucks he would give me five hundred in six weeks.

It turned out to be just a Fonzi scheme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in a club on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number sexy."

I said, "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said, "Yes."

I said, "Well fuck off back to it, before the farmer notices your missing!"

I found a doctor who would give me a discount on my son’s circumcision.

It was a ripoff.

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Girlfriend didn't want to give me any.

Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!" She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as ...

I told my boss he better give me a raise because three other companies were currently after me. He didn’t believe me and asked which ones.

“Gas, electric, and water.”

My mom told me about how Santa’s job is to give me a gift once a year and then not come back again for another year

I was just wondering why my dad changed his name to Santa

A man walks into a bar and says "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused...

Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!

A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!"

The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says "Wow. I never saw anybody put away scotch that fast."

The man says "Well, you wo...

Waitress wouldn’t give me a quickie!

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me! The old lady next to me said, “it’s pronounced ‘Quiche’, my Dear.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thought I was lucky when my wife said she'd give me a blow job on my birthday

Didn't know that it came with mow, weed, fertilize, and rake jobs too.

I was so bad at math my bank refused to give me a loan

Thank god I had someone to cosine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Give me a T!

"Give me a T."

"T"

"Give me a T."

"T"

"Oh, fuck it. I'll go to another cafe."

Can you guys give me advice on repairing my fence?

After all, you are experts at reposting.

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