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German Shepherd Jokes

A German shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died.

In heaven they faced God,who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German shepherd said "i believe in discipline, loyalty and training to my master".
"Good" said God. "You may sit on my right side".
The Doberman said "I believe in love,care and protection of my master".
"Aha,you may ...

A German Shepherd and a Sheep are out on a date...

German Shepherd: "What do you mean I'm too controlling?!"

Sheep: "You herd me."

I found my German Shepherd, Hondo, with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth.

The rabbit was dead, and I panicked.. I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it a bath, blew dried its fur, and put it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they would think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asked me, "Don, did you hear...

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This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.

Yesterday, he brought his dog along.

What sound does a German Shepherd make?

Voof

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A man saw an ad in the newspaper for a free talking dog...

He thought it was impossible, so he went to the address to check it out.
Standing at the fence to the backyard of the house was a normal-looking German Shepherd.

The man, wanting to prove the ad wrong asked the dog, "so are you the talking dog?"

Surprisingly, the dog replied, "yeah...

Wanna see my impression of a German Shepherd?

"*ACHTUNG! ACHTUNG!* YOU SHEEPS *VILL* GO INTO ZE PASTURE, UND YOU *VILL* HAVE A GOOD TIME!"

Little old lady to dog owner: “Is that your German shepherd outside?”

“Yeah, so what?”
“Well, my cat just killed it.”
“Ha, how could your cat kill my dog?”
“It got stuck in his throat!”

What do you call a German Shepherd in a U-boat?

A sub woofer

What do you get when you crossbreed a Chihuahua with a German Shepherd?

A que-nein.

I once saw a German Shepherd taking a dump on my front garden.

Then his dog came along.

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A German Shepherd walks into a Western Union

He goes up to the window, noses a form toward the clerk, and seems to indicate he wants to send a message.


The clerk is amused and laughs a little as she says, "okay, boy, what do you want it to say?"


The dog barks, "Woof-woof, woof-woof-woof, woof, woof-woof."
...

Did you hear about the German Shepherd that had his entire left side cut off?

He's all right now.

What's the difference between a German Shepherd and a German soldier?

They're both dogs, but the German Shepherd is a better soldier.

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A rottweiler, a poodle, and a german shepherd are sitting at the vet...

The German shepherd turns to the poodle. "So, why are you here?"

The poodle hangs his head. "My master left me in the house for a whole day, so I couldn't help it, I had to go on the floor! He's kind of a prick, so he's putting me down."

The two other dogs shake their heads. The poodl...

A German shepherd walks into a bar

and says “Hey, I’m a talking dog. Other dogs can do tricks, but have you ever heard one talk? How about a drink for a dog who’s articulate and erudite?"


The bartender says, “Sure, the toilet’s there, first door on the right.”

What’s the problem with German Shepherds?

You wake up in the morning to find a pen full of Germans in your yard!

Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet's waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other "What are you in for?"

"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?"

"Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was c...

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I have a German Shepherd, and I named her Ammonia.

She's such a basic bitch.

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Where did Hitler take his sick German Shepherd?

To the veteran-aryan

A German shepherd peed outside my house yesterday...

Next week, he's bringing his dog

What does a short-sighted gynecologist have in common with German Shepherd?

A wet nose.

Three dogs are having a drink at a bar.

One dog is a rottweiler, the second dog is a German shepherd and the third dog is none other than the Taco Bell Chihuahua. They were just sitting at the bar when suddenly who should come walking in but Lassie herself. She saunters up to the three dogs and says, "If one of you can creatively use 'liv...

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The German Shepherd from next door keeps shitting on my lawn

This morning he even brought his dog!

How do you greet a German Shepherd in their native language?

Guten Dog!

I have the mind of a German Shepherd and the body of and old man...

...and they are both in the trunk of my car.

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I've woken up everyday, opened the curtains to find a German shepherd taking a shit on my lawn..

And this morning the cheeky bastard brought his dog with him.

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This is getting way out of hand. For the past week, every morning at 6am sharp, a German Shepherd has come in to my garden and taken a giant poop, right there on the lawn. And you'll never believe what happened today...

He brought his dog with him.

A lady is sitting in the vet waiting room with her German Shepherd...

The man sitting next to her says, "that's a beautiful dog you have there. Is he sick?"

The lady says, "No not really. It's just that every time I get down on all fours to clean my floor, he mounts me from behind and starts to hump me."

The man says, "Oh, so you're going to have him n...

Poker

So There's a traveling salesman who loves to play poker. Every town he visits, he manages to find a game.

One night he's led to the back of a saloon, and seated among the locals is a German Shepherd. The salesman is surprised to see a dog at a poker table, but the dog appears to be very well...

Dog training conference

At a dog training conference, a trainer boasts that he can train a dog to do anything. To illustrate this, he brings onto the stage a German Shepherd and claims that he's taught it Morse code.

One of the audience shouts out "Prove it!".

He gives the dog a nod, and it walks over to ...

Seeing eye dogs.

A man with a German Shepherd goes into a pub and sits down at the bar. The bartender says "Sorry, you can't bring that dog in here." The man replies "But this is a seeing eye dog!" The bartender then says "Well, okay then, I guess it can stay".

After a while, the man and the German Shepherd ...

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My (second) favorite joke of all time (sorry if repost)

So two guys are walking their dogs one day, one has a German Shepherd the other has a Chihuahua. They pass by a bar and the guy with the German Shepherd turns to the guy with the Chihuahua and asks if he wants to go in for a drink. The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You're crazy, they'll never let do...

A man is driving at night in the rain.

And then the car suddenly stop working. The man starts to get nervous, and then he sees something getting out of the woods in the roadside.

Then he hears a knock in the window. There is a dog, a german shepherd.

"Open the hood", says the dog. The man freezes and do nothing.

"Ope...

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A guy walks into a bar

He has his dog with him. It's an ugly little yellow dog. He sits down at the bar next to a Marine.

The Marine has his dog with him. It's a German Shepherd, and it bristles at the ugly little yellow dog.

The Marine says "Son, you need to get your ugly little yellow dog out of here, or m...

Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.” Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”

Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

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A teenaged boy goes to pick up a girl...

... for a first date. Her father sits him down in the living room next to their German Shepherd and proceeds to chat while the girl gets ready.

The boy has a nervous stomach, and the stress of wanting to make a good impression is too much for him. He feels trouble brewing down there. Eventual...

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Old Dog

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh...

Have you ever been attacked by a German Shepherd dog while having a white stick shoved up your backpassage?

Post that 2020 vision joke one more time..

Dog sends a Telegram

A German Shepherd went to the telegram office, took out a blank form, and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."

"But," the dog ...

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How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!...

What do they call pastors in Germany

German shepherds

Two guys and their dogs are walking down the street...

...one's got a german shepherd and the other's got a chihuahua.

They get hungry so the german shepherd guy suggests they grab a bite to eat at the restaurant on the corner, but his friend says, "They won't let us into a restaurant with our dogs!"

"Just follow my lead," says the first...

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Two dogs are sitting in a field.

First dog turns to the second dog and says damn man you smell like shit! Have you been rolling in shit?

Yep.

Wow. That is foul. Is it like a compulsive behavior?

Nope.

Do you do it to cover your scent up, like to ward off predators?

Nope.

Is it some weird ...

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A man is at the bar, talking about his best friend, Max, being interested in his girlfriend.

"I understand I may be overreacting, but I'm still kinda worried like what happened to my ex." The bartender tells him "You'll be fine, just ask if there's a misunderstanding and try to clear it up." He thanks the bartender and goes home.

When he opened the door, he found Max having sex with ...

My little girl just said to me: Dad, how is progress possible if our growth is stunted by perpetual tribalism and xenophobia?

And I said......Wow, you're a German Shepherd, I didn't know you could do that.

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My neighbors think I’m having sex with a 3 year old.

I tried to explain it to them but they didn’t seem comforted when I cleared up the fact that my German Shepherd is actually 21 in dog years.

The lone brunette in a family of blondes, Tamara, returns home from her first semester at university.

Her family was super excited to see her, especially her younger sister, Lisa. Tamara was the first person in the family to go to university and she had a million questions for her.

When they finally got some time alone, Lisa began peppering Tamara with questions.

“What was your favor...

My friend was walking the dog...

... and someone approaches trying to make conversation.

— What a beautiful dog! What breed is it?

— It's a German shepherd.

— Gorgeous, does it have a name?

— The Lord.

— The Lord? Why would you name it like that?!

— Because The Lord is my shepherd.

<...

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Two guys were walking their dogs...

one had a German Shepherd and the other had a Chihuahua. The man with the German Shepherd suggested they go have a drink in the nearby pub. The man with the Chihuahua said he'd love to, but the pub doesn't allow pets inside.

The man with the German Shepherd said watch this, as he put on sung...

My dad grew up herding sheep in Germany

He was a German shepherd.

The Dog Pound

Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane. The Pit Bull told the others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two year old niece tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her throat. Now they are going to put me to sleep."

The German Shepher...

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So there's these two friends named Bill and Jim.

Jim has Chihuahua and Bill has a German Shepherd. These two guys go for a walk with their dogs every Saturday evening. One Saturday, as they were passing a popular bar, Bill asked Jim if he wanted to go get a drink.

Jim replied, "Um Bill we have dogs lol we can't go in there fam."

To t...

Hi, I'm from Brazil

and I can't go to the backyard, I'm afraid my german shepherd will laugh instead of bark at me...

Liver & Cheese Joke

Three dogs are walking down the street when they spot an enticing female poodle. The German Shepherd, English Bulldog and the Mexican Chihuahua approach the poodle to win her over.

The poodle decides to make a game of it, and tells them "I will go with whichever one of you can best use the w...

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Story of the joke funnier than the joke.

I used to work with this crazy Vietnamese jeweler who was always asking to tell him jokes. One day I remembered one I saw in Playboy many years ago...

A guy is driving home from work and realizes that when fooling around with his secretary, she had given him a hickey on his neck. His mind sta...

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A guy sees a huge funeral procession in the center of town...

He sees a huge police escort, followed by 2 hearses, a man walking a German Shepherd and 100 people waking single file behind this parade...

The procession stops for a minute and he goes up to the man and asks? What the hell is going on???

The man quietly answers...

My wife is ...

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Doggone it.

Little Jamie asked her dad, “Daddy? Can I please, please take our doggie for a walk around the block?”

Dad thought for a moment. Their dog was “in heat” and he really didn’t want to let her out of the yard. Any male dog would pick up the scent. But Jamie was being so sweet.

“Um...o...

So an elf walks into an animal shelter...

...and, being from the North Pole, he wants a hound dog to run a transport system. This particular shelter stocks only mutts.

On the first day, the elf says, "What type of dog is that one there?" he asks, pointing to a cage. "That's a cross between a Labrador and a Poodle," responds the clerk...

A man was sitting in a pub

As a man with a swollen eye and bloody nose walks up to the bar and gives the bartender a $50 bill.

Behind the bar he sees the bartender put the $50 bill in a large jar full of money and the man leaves.

He asks the bartender about the jar of money and the bartender says "oh that's th...

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Two dog owners are walking their dogs down the street...

... they pass a bar, and the owner of the German Shepherd suggests they pop in for a beer. But the owner of the Chihuahua hesitates.
"I don't think they'll let us in there with our dogs," says the Chihuahua owner.
"Sure they will, watch this," and the German Shepherd owner pulls out his su...

An Irish man is walking his poodle

And his friend calls him and says they are giving away free beer for the next hour Inthe pub down the road.

So the Irish man runs with the dog to the pub as fast as he can.

When he gets there the door man says "sorry no pets."

The Irish man says "I'm blind this is my seeing eye ...

My alarm system kept breaking down

The alarm system kept breaking down so, instead of repairing it I decided to get a guard dog instead.

I went to the pet store and the shopkeeper showed me a lot of breeds to choose from. A Rottweiler, a German Shepherd, A Doberman, but there was this one tiny little pug that caught my eye. I...

A man is looking for a pet dog...

He's driving through the country when he spots an old guy sitting on his porch with a german shepherd.

He stops his car, gets out, and approaches the man. "That's a fine-looking dog you have there, sir. I would like to buy him. How does fifty bucks sound?"

The old man looks down at the...

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A bar contest goes awry

A businessman from out of town comes across a secluded bar on the outskirts of the city he's visiting, so he stops in for a drink. While at the bar he notices a large a shot glass the size of a water bucket filled with twenty dollar bills. Curious, the man motions for the bartender, "What's the stor...

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