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The legend of Attila the Hun.

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

What do Mack the knife, Attila the Hun, and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

"Hey, can I try feeding your snake?"

"Sure. His bread is in the pantry."

"Your snake eats... Bread?"

"My anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, hun."

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During a military assault by Hun, Mulan’s company suffered a bombardment and she was knocked out.

When she wakes up, the doctor tells her: “I have bad news for you, buddy.”

Fears that her true identity has been found out, she nervously asked the doctor what is it.

“I just checked your injuries and, well your dick is gone.”

What does Shan-Yu from Mulan call his wife?

Hun.

A cyclops was doing a crossword puzzle and asked his wife, "Hun, how do you spell Hawaii?"

Biting her lip, she replied, "I think you need 2 'i's."

Why do anacondas like hamburgers?

Cause it got buns, hun

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How do you piss off a Hun?

You can't; they're nomads.

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Cheating on husband

A lady cheats on her husband , her husband always comes late and drunk , so she was having fun with the man in the bed , but this time her husband comes back a little bit early .

So she tell the man “ go stand between those two statues , he won’t notice he is drunk so don’t worry “

S...

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An oldie in honor of Sir Sean Connery, RIP

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer....

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Just ask for Sally

So there is this guy, let's call him Joe.

Joe wakes up one day and realizes not only is it pay day, but he has the day off. So Joe goes through his regular morning ritual and then pays some bills, gets groceries and thinks to himself "well I have everything I need so let's have some fun."...

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A Newfie Applies for a Job.

A foreman at a construction site in Ontario is screening new applicants.

In walks a man with an odd demeanor and accent and says, "I'm after gettin this job here, I've be's findin yer ad!" and the foreman, stunned for a moment, thinks in his head 'Oh no, it's a Newfoundlander..' and while giv...

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A man and his husband...

Were talking one evening over dinner when the more effeminate one expressed he was feeling a bit down in the dumps. The husband enquired as to what was happening...

Twink: “Well, I’m not feeling very ‘manly’ lately”.

Bear: “Oh hun, you are you and I love you, but why?”

Twink: si...

‌‌I phone‌‌d th‌‌e Chil‌‌d Abus‌‌e Hotline.

A ki‌‌d answered‌‌, calle‌‌d m‌‌e ‌‌a cun‌‌t the‌‌n hun‌‌g up.

The Mongolians are afraid that the Queen will still be alive on the 21st April 2026.

Because then she'll be a Hun dread.

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man's...

My wife can't figure out why my pet anaconda won't eat Bratwurst a la cart

I told her that my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun.

A newly wed couple...

Husband: Hun, I have a huge problem.

Wife: Stop saying it’s yours, we are married it’s OUR problem now.

Husband: I got your best friend pregnant, we are the parents!

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Little Johnny had a foul mouth

His mother was at the end of her wit. Not knowing what to do, she went to the local Church to counsel with the Priest.

"Father, my little boy is a darling but he has a wicked habit of saying nasty words. I don't know where he learnt them but he says things that would make a sailor blush! What...

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An old one from good will hunting. (Slightly NSFW)

I love this movie. If you haven’t seen it, go watch it on Netflix.

So Will tells this joke during therapy:

A pilot is flying a commercial Airline plane. He says his whole “we’ll be cruising at 30K feet” thing, but when he finishes, he forgets to turn the mic off.
He turns to the co...

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So this panda is driving down a road,

And he sees a prostitute standing on the corner, he thinks ' cor im gonna have some of that' and he stops to pick her up. 'Fancy a good time hun?'
'well i would, but im a panda and i dont have a house'
'i know a place' so he lets her in and they drive off. They get back to hers and make their ...

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A husband wakes his wife up on a Saturday morning....NSFW

The wife asks the husband "morning hun, what should we do today?"

Husband says "I'd like to go hunting"

Wife: "I don't want to go hunting today! That's boring"

Husband: "Well then if I can't go hunting then I'd at least like to get some action. Lets try something new. I want t...

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Two guys sit down on a train...

Two men sit down on a train, in the same cabin, and begin reading the newspaper.

When they look up, they make eye contact, and both realize, they each had a black eye.

Both men start to chuckle, and decided to exchange stories

Guy1: "...Yeah, I really got it."

Guy2: "Me ...

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A man and his wife were sharing their very first wedding anniversary... (NSFW)

The wife says "Honey, I'll do anything you want for you tonight"

Husband replies "Nice! How about a 69er!"

"I can't, I'm on my period!"

"I don't give a fuck!"

"Well" she says, "if you don't care then I certainly don't, let's do it."

So they are going at it for a bi...

So I went to the library...

I had to go to the library to book a private study room. Once there, I asked the lady if there is one that is available.

Imagine my disappointment when she said, sorry hun, we are fully BOOKED.

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In the seedy corners of the pokeverse,

In the seedy corners of the pokeverse, dirty establishments hide more 'greasy' businesses. a customer walks into one such place and resquests their finest lady.

A large breasts woman with a beautiful face takes them into a private room, and after they are done 'copulating' he lays back, a sat...

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A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and two black eyes.

“What happened to you?” asked the doctor

“Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When she went to investigate, I saw the ball in the cow’s ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that’s when I made my mistake.”

“And...

A man and a woman are laying in bed

They are both senior citizens and have begun losing their memory.

One day they went to the doctor to ask if they can remedy their memory loss in any way and the doctor said that no medication could help so the best thing they can start doing is writing things down to help them remember.
...

An elderly couple. A long one but good

An elderly couple is worried that they are starting to fprget simple things, so they go to a doctor for a check up.

The doctor looks them over top to bottom but doesn't find anything.
"It seems you two are perfectly fine so all that I can suggest is anytime you want to remember somethin...

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[OC, long] There's a new MLM scheme going around getting housewives to bake cookies, cake, and bread.

"Independent Businesses Owners" buy frozen pastries and mixes from the company, bake them in a timeshare commercial kitchen space, and try to sell them at their office, church, kids' activities, public events, and through social media. The typical.

One of my coworkers, Amanda, recently invite...

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I was on this plane once...

Captain sets for take off and we are 35000 feet in the air, the captain then sets his mic down but forgets to turn it off.

The captain turns to the co-pilot and says "all I could use right now is a blow job and a cup of coffee".

The stewardess starts running from the back of the plane...

A newly wed couple have be living together for a few months.

Every morning the guy wakes up and lets out a long loud fart.

The wife says, “one morning when you wake up you are going to blow out your insides.”

A few months later it’s thanksgiving and the wife is prepping the turkey. With a smirk on her face she takes the turkey guts and goes to...

My son just told me what he thought LGBT stood for

L - Let’s
G - Get down to
B - Buisness
T - To defeat the huns

What did the diner waitress say to Attila?

"More coffee, Hun?"

A jealous woman, while on a road trip with her friends, would call her husband everyday to check on him.

Her: Where are you?

Him: At home hun.

Her: Don't trust you. Can you run the food processor for me so I know you are home?

Him: Sure Hun .

Whirrrrrrrrrr


Him: There you go.

Her: Ok. Talk to you later...


This went on for a few days. She wou...

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Nate is three years old, and taking a shower with his parents...

"Mommy, what are those hanging on your chest?" He asks, looking up at his mother's breasts.

"Why, those are Mommy's doorbells hun." She gives Daddy a wink.

"And what's that called again?" Nate points between his Mommy's legs.

"That's Mommy's front door."

Nate turns around...

Attila's wife enters their tent

"im home hun"

snake joke

A guy wearing a snake walks up to a hot dog stand and asks for a hot dog for his snake.The woman running the stand says they don't have any buns so it just would be the meat.He says that sorry My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun.

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The confessional.

There was a parish church in a secluded village. The village feast was coming and usually it gets very busy. The only priest, fr.steve, responsable for the church was getting old and decided he needed help for this one.

So he got a young new priest to help him from the priest college.
...

On a whim, I bought a snake yesterday at the local pet store...

Last night, I attempted to feed it a freshly grilled hamburger.
Just the patty, no bread.
The thing is, he wouldn't eat it.
As it turns out,
my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, Hun.

My favorite genie joke.

An Irish farmer was tending to his land when he discovered a magic lamp. He rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared.
"For releasing me from my prison, I shall grant you any three wishes," he says. "Now, what is your first wish?"
The farmer says, "I want the Huns to attack Ireland!"
The genie q...

A woman with terminal sickness calls for her husband for a final talk.

"Hebert" *cough* "Everything is settled for my final departure, I just have one final thing to ask of you" *cough* "Should you ever find a new woman in your life please do not let her wear my clothes..."

Herbert: "Okay hun, I promise... she's not your size anyway..."

It's 1917 and at this point, the Great War could go either way...

British generals were growing concerned when one day a bright chap came up with an idea.

"What's a common German name?" said Pvt Smith.

One of his mates pipes up, "Schultz is fairly common."

So the two soldiers crept to the edge of their trench and called over the top, "HEY SCHU...

Me and my husband Atilla got into an argument

I told him "hun, let's not fight".

Fancy Strip Club

I found my self at a strip club one evening. Apparently it was a nice one because when I pulled out a dollar bill to tip one of the dancers she promptly told me "sorry darling but we only take big bills here." without missing a beat I said "no problem hun, all I have are big bills." i winked at her,...

Working at the sperm bank,

Working at the sperm bank, the receptionist was shocked to see a man enter with a mask on and gun. The man stormed up to the counter, pointed the gun at her and said "This is a hold up!"

Confused the lady said, "Sir this is a sperm bank not a..." but the masked man demanded that she shut up, ...

Which world leader would you suspect of stealing all that Nutella?

My best guess is Nutella the Hun

A Husband's Generosity

A group of men is at the gym club when a cellphone rings. One of the men answers:

"Yes?" he answers

"Hun, is that you? I can hardly hear you."

"Hello!"

"Are you at the gym?"

"Yes!"

"I'm in front of the fur shop and they have this beautiful mink coat. Can I ...

3 men go for an interview

3 men go to an interview for a sales job and the boss calls them all in and says “Whoever goes out and sells the most dictionaries can have the job”.


So the first guy goes out, sells a few dictionaries and comes back.


“How many did you manage to sell?”


With an upbea...

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A guy walks into a bar...

There's a sign there that reads:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grilled Cheese - $2

Handjob - $10

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He asks the petite bartender "Are you the little lady that gives the handjobs?"

Bartneder says "Why yes I am hun."

Guy says "well, wash those fuckin' hands...

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A man speaks to his wife...

He tells her that his "Olympic Condoms" have arrived, "Hun, tonight I'm gona wear the gold and fuck you good!" His wife sighs, "Why don't you just wear silver and come second for a change?"

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Barry got work as a sailor.

Barry got a nice sweet gig working on a boat, but the downfall was that they where six months at sea at time.

It was alright they pay was worth it but at the end he was horny as hell .
So as soon as they docked he quickly went to the most seedy bar he could find. When he arrived he quickl...

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Guy meets a girl in a bar...

He asks the girl, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The girl, dumbfounded, exclaims, "What did you say to me?!"
So he asks again, "Can I smell your pussy?"
Grossly offended, the girl yells at him, "No you can't smell my pussy, you pervert!"
Then the guy says, "Then you need to brush your teeth, ...

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Not my job award goes to...

So a woman walks into a room and flips the switch only to find that the light bulb is out. She goes to her husband and says "Hun, the light bulb is out. Can you fix it?" The husband responds with "Humph, I'm not an electrician!" Later the wife goes to the store and her tire pops. She then calls her ...

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A woman is putting clean laundry away...

She starts putting away her husband's clothes. Her husband's wardrobe has four drawers, the top one being his personal drawer. She was told to keep away from it by her husband. Curious, she opens it, and finds three golf balls, and dozens of stacks of banded bills.

Her husband arrives home a...

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