UPJOKE
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One popular feminine symbol of true romance is roses on a piano.

Most masculine ideas of romance include tulips on an organ.

Grad School Romance

Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.


Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to ge...

What's similar between a sorcerer and a vampire?

They're both neck-romancers.

Who says romance is dead?

A necrophiliac...

I'm reading a romance in braille

It's a touching story

What do you call a dinosaur that writes romance novels?

A Brontë-saurus.

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Romance

Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaura...

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Wife said my New Year resolution needs to be to have more romance and sex

As a good husband I booked an expensive suite for a long weekend in a posh hotel. I got dressed up, bought some sexy lingerie for her and some cosplay outfits. Got some viagra so I could perform all night long.

Romantic dinner on a French restaurant, candle light dinner and was amazing. She w...

Bill and Melinda started out as an Office romance

But his PowerPoint didn't Excel. So she denied him Access without a Word. Outlook not good.

Romance..

Wife: "I shaved down there. You know what that means..."

Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."

Keeping The Romance Alive

I still love to spoil the love of my life! If she works late at night, she calls me and tells me she's on her way! I immediately start running the taps and pouring in some nice hot water with foam so that when she walks in, she can start washing the dishes right away.

A good romance starts with a foundation of trust, friendship and mutual respect

A bad romance starts with rah rah-ah-ah-ah roma roma-ma gaga ooh-la-la.

Bad Romance

A lady approached me, and said
"Every time you smile, i want to give you my number!"

I said "Aww that's sweet. Are you single?"

She replied "No. I'm a dentist."

My gf enjoys neck kisses.

But for some reason, she hates it when I call myself a neck romancer.

Just read a Calvinist romance novel

It’s called “Irresistible Grace”

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A Welshman is visiting New Zealand and finds a sheep farm

He sees some sheep in the field and hops the fence. As he walks up to one of the sheep, he sees the farmer walking up.

While slapping the butt of one of the sheep, he asks the farmer what the locals think of a little romance with the animals?

The farmer looks at him disgusted and says:...

For a woman, romance is roses on a piano.

For a man, it’s tulips on an organ.

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I was going to make a joke about prison romance...

but fuck it

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.


In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs...

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True Romance.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches ...

Where is the line between romance and perversion?

Romance is stroking a woman tenderly with a feather.

Perversion is when that feather is still attached to the chicken.

Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?

Because they were raised by a neck romancer.

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Going up?

An old woman gets on an elevator in a very lavish and posh 30 story building, when a young and beautiful woman also gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance by Ralph Lauren, $120 a bottle.”

Then another young and be...

I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. It never got published.

It was all in vein.

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Romance and music

I got into the house tonight and there was a lovely smell of a joint roasting.

Candles were lit, there was some chill out music playing and a bottle of wine was on the coffee table with two glasses.

I smiled and went into the kitchen, where she had her back to me.

I watched her ...

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Do you know how to romance a country girl?

You gotta do something sexy to a tractor.

Nobody wants to be alone. A recently divorced friend of mine is hopeful of once again finding romance. Beer belly, completely bald.....

I don't like her chances.

Expensive Perfume

So, big Moira, from Glasgow, is on a weekend trip to London.

She is in an elevator in a Harrods, when two young and beautiful women get into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

Big Moira remarks, "My, what nice aromas!"

One of the women turns, looks Moira up and down...

Why was lady gaga's romance so bad?

There wasn't enough chemistry.

(My girlfriend bet me that no one would get my joke.)

What do you call a hentai-themed band?

My tentacle romance.

After 30 years of marriage, people always ask, "What's the secret of keeping the romance alive?" I always tell them...

We go to the same romantic restaurant every week, twice a week...

I go on Tuesday. She goes on Fridays.

Credit - Henny Youngman

Turned on the radio to hear "Shallow". I'm not a fan so switched stations and got "Bad Romance". I also don't like that so tried a third station and got "Poker Face".

It seems that, all I hear is radio Gaga.

Ahhhh, old romance . . .

Janet was lying in bed one night.  Art was falling asleep, but Janet was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. 

A few moments later she sai...

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What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?

One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.

Romance is in the air!

A Welshman, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirr...

How does a bromance become a romance?

With a brojob

I put the romance

In necromancer.

"Dad, why's my brother named Cameron?"

"Because your mother loves romance and it's an anagram."

"Thanks dad."

"Sure thing Alan."

Muslim Romance

A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage.

“Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?", she asked.

"Yes," he replied, “but to be fair, you were only nine at the time!”

Needed some help with romance, so I took the book "How to Hug" out of the library.

Turns out it was volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "I will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who is this?"

"My name's Teddy," said the boy. "I'm going steady with Be...

I was gunna write the great American nursing home romance novel...

....but the title "50 Shades of Grey" was already taken.

Gorilla Romance

This middle aged, divorced woman from NY City is having brunch with her friends one day. One of them comments that she hasn't been herself lately. The others agree, and someone suggests she needs a change. The woman agrees and decides she is going to take a trip.

The next morning she visits a...

Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?

He was a neck romancer.

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Tom and Yuu's love story

Tom Wake and Yuu Watanabe met in Japan while Tom was on a business trip. Ironically, Tom didn't want to take the job, but he was the only one fluent in Japanese, so he reluctantly went on the trip. Usually, deals like these took place over video conferences, but the company's client insisted on meet...

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Why Men Are Happier

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will e...

Mathematics of a relationship

Wise man + Wise woman = Romance

Wise man + Dumb woman = Affair

Dumb man + Wise woman = Marriage

Dumb man + Dumb woman = Pregnancy

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

“Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".

"You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest ple...

Check Out a Romance

I met my husband while I was working in a science library. He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian instead of the books.
After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and started rummaging through my desk. I asked what he...

What do you call 2 emos making out in a science classroom?

My Chemical Romance

I have fallen in love with a font

It's a bit of a Times New Romance.

What do people who raise the dead have in common with people who have throat fetishes?

They’re both neck romancers.

What do you call an evil wizard who gives good hickeys?

A neck romancer.

Why did the vampire fall in love with the Wizard?

Because the wizard was a neck-romancer.

Why did the witch have so many hickies?

She was dating a necromancer.

Why did the wizards wife have hickeys on her neck?

Because he was a neck-romancer....

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The Girlfriend Joke

Now, I need to caveat the beginning of this joke with some information. I'm a solid six-outta-ten, a real average looking guy. Never been too smooth wirth the ladies but whaddaya do, never been lonely neither.
So, one day I come home from work, I live in a little apartment complex, and I see acro...

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I love sexy vampires.

They're neck romancers.

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[Long] One of my favorite jokes from BoJack Horseman

Okay so there's this gardener right?
So the amazing thing about this gardener is that he always knows exactly how many bags of mulch he needs for a job, just by looking. Like he gets it right, every time. He's the best.
So one day, he looks at a yard he's working on and he's like... 18 bags. S...

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A man decides it's time for a night of romance...

... So before his wife gets home he puts on the nice silky sheets, lights a bunch of candles and puts on his robe. When she comes home he leads her into the bedroom and they start going at it.

All of the sudden Little Timmy walks in and screams "oh my God" before running out. The husband says...

I brought my dead girlfriend back to life by passionately kissing her neck

...I guess you could say I'm a neck-romancer

Why are vampires like wizards?

Because they’re neck-romancers

my favorite kind of science ficition is

romance movies

90 year old couple was in a hospital

Husband was gently calling wife as darling or cutie pie or honey every time he addresses her. There was a young couple sitting near them and observing them.
The old couple was leaving and the young guy was curious about the old man’s romance being alive at that age so he stopped the old man and a...

I've started to learn how to raise the dead to improve my love life,

I've become a neck romancer.

What do you call a couple of ants sharing a slice of pizza in Italy?

Romance

Lady Gaga once dated a fish

He felt that the relationship was abusive.



He was a cod in a bad romance.

What kind of mage uses pastries to seduce people?

A pie romancer

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My wife was having trouble having an orgasm

I asked her if her gynecologist was helping.

She said yes, but she still needs the romance.

He was a dyed-in-the-wool Tory and she was a militant Labour radical, but they fell madly in love anyway.

And after a whirlwind romance they tied the nuptial knot at a dream wedding. Unfortunately, in the car from the reception to the honeymoon hotel, they unwisely started talking about politics, and the talk escalated into an argument and then a blazing row, and by the time they had checked into the ro...

An old woman is

Riding in an elevator in a very lavish building in New York City. The elevator stops, and the doors open. A young and beautiful woman smelling of expensive perfume gets on. The young woman haughtily sneers at the old woman and says, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren. 150 dollars an ounce!”

The old w...

A baby helped me out the other day...

I asked him, "How do I find other songs by the singer of 'Bad Romance'?"

He replied: "Google Gaga"

What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?

Neck-romance-y.

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DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Names
===========
If Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice go out for lunch, they will call each other Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice.
If Fred, Luke, Bradley, and Jeff go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out
===========...

iPod Shuffle

Today, I was playing my iPod on shuffle. The song, "This is Not the End" by The Bravery came on. The next song was "This is the End" by She Wants Revenge. It was followed by "The End." by My Chemical Romance. As soon as the songs finished, the battery promptly died. I think my iPod left a suicide no...

What's the difference between a fire wizard and someone who flirts with pastries?

One is a Pyromancer, the other is a pie-romancer.

What's a magician skilled in the art of hickeys called?

A Neck Romancer

I like to kiss my girlfriends neck.

I guess I'm a neck romancer.

What is Bashar al-Assad's favorite band?

My Chemical Romance

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The handicapped parrot

Danny walks into a pet store looking for a bird. After a half hour of fruitless searching, he hears a voice call out to him "Hey mister, I see you've been looking for a bird eh?" Danny turns around and to his surprise, he sees it was a parrot hailing him. Danny says "You can talk?" The parrot says "...

[OC] Why don't dyslexics like the story of King Arthur?

They think it's about the romance and majesty of Camelto.

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Good Girls, Bad Girl’s And Naughty Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot

Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons

Naughty girls unbutton your pants


Good girls wax their floors

Bad girls wax their bikini line

Naughty girls wax your nutsack


Good girls blush during sex sce...

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So Jerry was the most popular guy in the old-fogey's home,...

...and all the old ladies wanted to romance him. Problem was, Jerry had no interest in women anymore. One day Betty asked him to go to the movies with him on Friday night. "Nah, no thanks, not interested" he replied. After further pleading he still declined so she offered "I'll hold your cock during...

Hear about the Death Mage who liked to kiss a victim's jugular before killing them?

He was a neck romancer.

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A beautiful woman on an airplane, headed to a nymphomaniac convention

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes that she is headed straight toward his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Low and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxiou...

Mistress or Wife?

Three professors are discussing whether it's better to have a wife or a mistress.

The French professor insists it's better to have a mistress: "It's more exciting; your life is always passionate, full of romance!"

The Philosophy professor disagrees: "No, it's much better to have a wif...

My buddy

You ever have one of those friends that are just OBSESSED with Star Wars? Yeah, me too. Tim Lehey is his name. Number of years he went to a -con where he met this girl Carol Hu. Now, Carol was a friggin Star Wars nut herself. They'd go on and on about how Lucas was so great and...blah blah blah... ...

Two onions, male and female, knock into each other on the street...

...An affair begins. Onion romance has occurred.

They tie the knot; several months later they have a baby onion.

Father onion takes another shift to make ends meet.

Mother onion is encumbered with house work one day, much distracted.

Baby onion wanders out the open door u...

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