Romance Is Dead!!!!

Especially for necrophiliacs.

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A man cannot find a lover, so he goes to a romance therapist.

He arrives at the office and shakes hands with the therapist, a Chinese man with a very, very heavy accent.

“So. What is your problem” the therapist says. “Well, I’ve been trying to get into relationships, but all the women say I’m too ugly for them to date!”

“Hmm.” Says the therapist....

Romance..

Wife: "I shaved down there. You know what that means..."

Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."

Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?

He was a neck romancer.

A good romance starts with a foundation of friendship and respect.

A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma, gaga ooh la-la.

Stalin's romance

Her: come over,joseph!

Stalin: Can't, I'm sending people to gulag

Her: My parents aren't at home

Stalin: I know

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Romance and music

I got into the house tonight and there was a lovely smell of a joint roasting.

Candles were lit, there was some chill out music playing and a bottle of wine was on the coffee table with two glasses.

I smiled and went into the kitchen, where she had her back to me.

I watched her ...

Turned on the radio to hear "Shallow". I'm not a fan so switched stations and got "Bad Romance". I also don't like that so tried a third station and got "Poker Face".

It seems that, all I hear is radio Gaga.

I've started to learn how to raise the dead to improve my love life,

I've become a neck romancer.

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A man decides it's time for a night of romance...

... So before his wife gets home he puts on the nice silky sheets, lights a bunch of candles and puts on his robe. When she comes home he leads her into the bedroom and they start going at it.

All of the sudden Little Timmy walks in and screams "oh my God" before running out. The husband says...

Grad School Romance

Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.


Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to ge...

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Do you know how to romance a country girl?

You gotta do something sexy to a tractor.

Keeping The Romance Alive

I still love to spoil the love of my life! If she works late at night, she calls me and tells me she's on her way! I immediately start running the taps and pouring in some nice hot water with foam so that when she walks in, she can start washing the dishes right away.

How do circus tightrope performers find romance?

Online dating

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Dear Tech Support...

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 then uninstalled many other val...

I'm reading a romance in braille

It's a touching story

Mathematics of a relationship

Wise man + Wise woman = Romance

Wise man + Dumb woman = Affair

Dumb man + Wise woman = Marriage

Dumb man + Dumb woman = Pregnancy

A guy, a pig, and a dog were the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for a few weeks, they got into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, and the breeze was warm and gentle. It was a perfect...

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True Romance.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches ...

Ahhhh, old romance . . .

Janet was lying in bed one night.  Art was falling asleep, but Janet was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. 

A few moments later she sai...

I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. It never got published.

It was all in vein.

How does a bromance become a romance?

With a brojob

Why are vampires like wizards?

Because they’re neck-romancers

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The Girlfriend Joke

Now, I need to caveat the beginning of this joke with some information. I'm a solid six-outta-ten, a real average looking guy. Never been too smooth wirth the ladies but whaddaya do, never been lonely neither.
So, one day I come home from work, I live in a little apartment complex, and I see acro...

What do you call 2 emos making out in a science classroom?

My Chemical Romance

Where is the line between romance and perversion?

Romance is stroking a woman tenderly with a feather.

Perversion is when that feather is still attached to the chicken.

I put the romance

In necromancer.

Muslim Romance

A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage.

“Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?", she asked.

"Yes," he replied, “but to be fair, you were only nine at the time!”

Needed some help with romance, so I took the book "How to Hug" out of the library.

Turns out it was volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.

I was gunna write the great American nursing home romance novel...

....but the title "50 Shades of Grey" was already taken.

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Romance

Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, ...

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A man, a, dog and a pig are stranded on a tropical island after a shipwreck...

The trio learn to survive on this island, finding shelter, food and water. They also become good friends and enjoy their new life on what is becoming a tropical paradise.

A few weeks go by and the group is sitting on the beach one evening shooting the breeze. This particular evening the sunse...

Lady Gaga once dated a fish

He felt that the relationship was abusive.



He was a cod in a bad romance.

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A romance had begun to bloom between two nursing home patients ...

... and one day, when they were both feeling particularly frisky, the couple went back to the old woman's room and closed the door behind them.

The two began to kiss -- softly at first, but then things began to get more passionate.

The old woman began to breathe very heavily, encouragi...

"Dad, why's my brother named Cameron?"

"Because your mother loves romance and it's an anagram."

"Thanks dad."

"Sure thing Alan."

Check Out a Romance

I met my husband while I was working in a science library. He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian instead of the books.
After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and started rummaging through my desk. I asked what he...

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony. "Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long ...

I brought my dead girlfriend back to life by passionately kissing her neck

...I guess you could say I'm a neck-romancer

Why did the witch have so many hickies?

She was dating a necromancer.

An old woman is

Riding in an elevator in a very lavish building in New York City. The elevator stops, and the doors open. A young and beautiful woman smelling of expensive perfume gets on. The young woman haughtily sneers at the old woman and says, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren. 150 dollars an ounce!”

The old w...

What kind of mage uses pastries to seduce people?

A pie romancer

What's a magician skilled in the art of hickeys called?

A Neck Romancer

Why did the wizards wife have hickeys on her neck?

Because he was a neck-romancer....

What do you call a couple of ants sharing a slice of pizza in Italy?

Romance

He was a dyed-in-the-wool Tory and she was a militant Labour radical, but they fell madly in love anyway.

And after a whirlwind romance they tied the nuptial knot at a dream wedding. Unfortunately, in the car from the reception to the honeymoon hotel, they unwisely started talking about politics, and the talk escalated into an argument and then a blazing row, and by the time they had checked into the ro...

If there’s one thing I know about vampires...

They’re neck-romancers [OC, I slay me]

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My wife was having trouble having an orgasm

I asked her if her gynecologist was helping.

She said yes, but she still needs the romance.

Why should you always write love notes in Latin?

It's a Romance language

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[Long] One of my favorite jokes from BoJack Horseman

Okay so there's this gardener right?
So the amazing thing about this gardener is that he always knows exactly how many bags of mulch he needs for a job, just by looking. Like he gets it right, every time. He's the best.
So one day, he looks at a yard he's working on and he's like... 18 bags. S...

What's the difference between a fire wizard and someone who flirts with pastries?

One is a Pyromancer, the other is a pie-romancer.

My life is like a romantic comedy

Except there's no romance and it's just me laughing at my own jokes.

> HA! Hilarious and original! Encore!

A baby helped me out the other day...

I asked him, "How do I find other songs by the singer of 'Bad Romance'?"

He replied: "Google Gaga"

What is Bashar al-Assad's favorite band?

My Chemical Romance

iPod Shuffle

Today, I was playing my iPod on shuffle. The song, "This is Not the End" by The Bravery came on. The next song was "This is the End" by She Wants Revenge. It was followed by "The End." by My Chemical Romance. As soon as the songs finished, the battery promptly died. I think my iPod left a suicide no...

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DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Names
===========
If Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice go out for lunch, they will call each other Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice.
If Fred, Luke, Bradley, and Jeff go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out
===========...

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The handicapped parrot

Danny walks into a pet store looking for a bird. After a half hour of fruitless searching, he hears a voice call out to him "Hey mister, I see you've been looking for a bird eh?" Danny turns around and to his surprise, he sees it was a parrot hailing him. Danny says "You can talk?" The parrot says "...

What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?

Neck-romance-y.

Hear about the Death Mage who liked to kiss a victim's jugular before killing them?

He was a neck romancer.

What do you call an amorous vampire?

A neck-romancer

I like to kiss my girlfriends neck.

I guess I'm a neck romancer.

An old fire mage asks his granddaughter to help him set up a "Face Book".

After she helps him sign up, add some friends, and pick a profile picture, he decides to write a short profile description as well.

"What would you like it to say?" says the granddaughter.

"Well, first, I am a fire mage, and I... love lemon meringue."

The granddaughter nods "mm-...

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Good Girls, Bad Girl’s And Naughty Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot

Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons

Naughty girls unbutton your pants


Good girls wax their floors

Bad girls wax their bikini line

Naughty girls wax your nutsack


Good girls blush during sex sce...

Mistress or Wife?

Three professors are discussing whether it's better to have a wife or a mistress.

The French professor insists it's better to have a mistress: "It's more exciting; your life is always passionate, full of romance!"

The Philosophy professor disagrees: "No, it's much better to have a wif...

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I wrote a limerick on a train yesterday

There once was a fella named Rick

Who started to date this hot chick

But brief was romance

For tucked in her pants

This bitch the whole time had a dick.

[OC] Why don't dyslexics like the story of King Arthur?

They think it's about the romance and majesty of Camelto.

My buddy

You ever have one of those friends that are just OBSESSED with Star Wars? Yeah, me too. Tim Lehey is his name. Number of years he went to a -con where he met this girl Carol Hu. Now, Carol was a friggin Star Wars nut herself. They'd go on and on about how Lucas was so great and...blah blah blah... ...

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A beautiful woman on an airplane, headed to a nymphomaniac convention

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes that she is headed straight toward his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Low and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxiou...

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So Jerry was the most popular guy in the old-fogey's home,...

...and all the old ladies wanted to romance him. Problem was, Jerry had no interest in women anymore. One day Betty asked him to go to the movies with him on Friday night. "Nah, no thanks, not interested" he replied. After further pleading he still declined so she offered "I'll hold your cock during...

Just got a job as a scientist

and I fell in love with the periodic table whilst the music was on.

It was my chemical romance.

Two onions, male and female, knock into each other on the street...

...An affair begins. Onion romance has occurred.

They tie the knot; several months later they have a baby onion.

Father onion takes another shift to make ends meet.

Mother onion is encumbered with house work one day, much distracted.

Baby onion wanders out the open door u...

Life's Demerit System

All married men will attest to some real wisdom in this message. In the world of romance, one single rule applies: MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!



Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing s...

Topical Jokes (5/20)

Welcome back, everybody! We've got some more news and, thus, more jokes. Let's get started.

Right off the bat, more on President Obama. Following a week of scandals, President Obama played golf with Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood. Things got a little tense when Obama had IRS agents audit...

A tractor salesman...

is driving down the road. He looks out the window and sees a farmer with a bull hitched up to a plow. He pulls over and runs out to the farmer and says "Sir, I'm here to make your day."

"Oh yeah, how you gonna do that?"

"I'm a tractor salesman and I'm going to sell you a tractor."...

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