A french cheese factory blew up in rural paris

There was de brie everywhere on the floor

Son: Why is my sister's name Paris?

Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: No problem Quarantine.

This is the first year I’m not going on vacation to Paris because of covid.

Usually I don’t go because I can’t afford it.

I had an idea for a movie where a retired CIA agent searches for his daughter in Paris

It turns out that idea was taken

How many men does it take to defend Paris?

No one knows, it's never been tried.

I got jet lag on my last trip to Paris...

The French doctor prescribed me something to keep track of time: Queloratil.

Did you guys hear about the new museum opening in Paris for funky music?

It’s called the Grouvre.

There once was a farmer...

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "1 will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answere...

I tried to order a couple of eggs for breakfast in Paris.

The waiter said "One egg is an oeuf!"

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Pierre, a French pilot of WW1 took leave in Paris and went out to sample the nightlife. He has a great night of song and wine and he meets a young lady, who he invites back to his apartment.

The excited pair walk back through the tree lined boulevards and on the way, Pierre drops in to a shop to purchase a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, a bottle of brandy and a box of matches.

When they reach the apartment they waste no time in stripping off and fall passionately ont...

Last night rioters destroyed the famous Etampes Cheese Market in Paris

All that was left was de-Brie

A German is trying to to make his way to Paris

At the border, the French customs agent asks him

“Name?”

“Hans Mueller.”

“Place of residence?”

“Munich.”

“Occupation?”

“No, just vacation this time.”

Did you hear about the crazy man who jumped into the river in Paris?

Many people say he’s inseine

My eyes are in New York. My brain is in Stockholm. My heart is in Paris. What am I?

Dead.

What do they call a pushup in Paris?

A French press

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So my Professor said "if you were granted invisibility for one day what would you do?"

I said, " I'd go to Paris and find a mime and beat the crap out of him and the applause from the crowd would be outstanding! "

What's the difference between Paris Hilton and the Titanic?

Only 800 people went down on the Titanic!

The Furniture Dealer

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.

To celebrate the ...

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS...

**THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.**

What do you call The Hunger Games in Paris?

Battle Royale with cheese.

IF You jumped off the bridge in Paris you'd be..

in seine

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I had sex with Paris Hilton once. I came after just thirteen seconds.

But to be fair, she did ask me to fuck her brains out.

What happens when you drink too much water in Paris?

European.

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An old man is at passport control in Paris

He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'

'Yes' replied the old man.

Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last t...

An elderly couple are having dinner at a restaurant ....

An elderly couple are having dinner at their favorite 4 star restaurant when a gorgeous blonde walks up says "Hey babY!" , plants a kiss on the mans cheek and walks away .

His wife looks over at him and says "Who was that ?"

The man calmly replies" oh her ? That's my mistress"
...

1980s European leaders Mitterrand, Brezhnev and Thatcher were flying around Europe in a helicopter, trying to recognize cities without seeing them.

Thatcher went first. She stuck her ear out the window and stated: "I can hear Big Ben chime. This is London!"

Next was Mitterrand. He stuck his nose out and stated: "I can smell fresh baguette. This is Paris!"

Last was Brezhnev. He stuck his hand out and yelped: "What... hey! Somebody ...

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A Rare Dish

This is a long one.

An English cook is trying to build up his skills as a chef. He's been working for years learning all sorts of rare and unique dishes to serve at his mentor's restaurant.

One day a wealthy guest at the restaurant asks to meet the cook and says "While I enjoyed the me...

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A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris...

A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris when it encountered some heavy turbulence over the Atlantic. The captain has a decade of flying under his belt and manages to get through the turbulence without any major incidents.

He then switches on the intercom and says, “This is your captai...

Bull auction.

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ........

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A woman had three daughters getting married the same day. Naturally she was worried about their sex life. It was agreed that they would send a discrete message.

Two weeks after the triple wedding the first message arrives. An ad for Maxwell House with the slogan "Good till the last drop." She's happy for her girl.

A month passes and a second message arrives with a Marlboro ad. "Marlboro: Extra long, extra strong." She's a little embarrassed, but happ...

In Paris, a man was beaten to death with a baguette.

The French police raids several apartments: ”We are looking for Le Pain Killer”

Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.

And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.

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Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?

The Nazis liked to park their tanks in the shade.

A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. The...

A man was on a business trip in Paris

He goes to well known brothel and has the best time of his life. He goes out after, lights a cigarette and after a while he spits on the pavement.
A policeman passing by sees him spitting so he stops and tells him: 'You can't do this here, you are in Paris. I am sorry but you have to pay a 50€ f...

The UK is really taking the Paris Climate Agreement seriously.

Yesterday they voted to become Corbyn-neutral by 2020.

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Good old Grandpa

"You kids today," says a college student's grandpa. "All you do is stay in the house all day and play video games. When I was your age, my buddies and I went to Paris, and went to the Moulin Rouge. We fucked some of the dancers right on stage, went behind the bar, robbed the register, and stayed the...

When I was in Paris I had a terrible accident.

Eiffel off a tower.

There are 3 superheroes, The Fireball, Lady Aqua, and Tornado.

They all form a superhero trio, and try to stop villains from all over the world. They were all hanging at the SuperBase, when an emergency alarm went off.

The supervillain Master Garth is making their way to Paris, so that she can destroy the Eiffel Towel to be able to control all areas of E...

What is the difference between Disneyland Paris and Disneyland Chernobyl

The 6ft tall Mouse is real.

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess

So I took her to Paris.

We went to wonderful restaurants and stayed in an expensive hotel.

Then I crashed our car in a tunnel and she died.

A boy asks his Dad one day, "Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"

His Dad replies, "Because she was conceived in Paris."

The boy says, "Ahh, thanks Dad."

His Dad says, "You're welcome, Backseat."

An art thief once stole some very expensive paintings from the Louvre in Paris. He took two Van Goghs, a couple Monets, a DeGas, and some other paintings.

Everything went perfectly, except he was captured sitting in his van with the paintings only 2 blocks from the museum, his van had run out of fuel!

When asked by the police how he could plan such a successful robbery and then be foiled by such a simple error, he replied...

"I had no ...

Aren't you excited that Breakdancing will be part of the 2024 Paris Olympic games?

I'm head over heels!

Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.

"Nationality ? " asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."

I want to a cafe in Paris and was insulted by the barista.

It was a regular French roast.



*edit "went"

What’s the difference between New York and Paris?

Paris only lost one tower

A tourist in Paris tells the waiter: Pardon me, but this coffee is cold!

The waiter replies: Thanks for letting me know, I’ll make a note of it on the bill. Iced coffee is one Euro extra.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump pulls out of Paris.

Probably for the best... can you imagine how narcissistic that kid would be?

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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". T...

What do you get when you drop a nuclear bomb over Paris?

French fries.

What's the difference between a tick, and the eiffel tower?

Well nothing, after all they are both Paris sites.

I Went to Paris to See a Landmark.

It was quite an Eiffel.

I thought my wife was going on a Belgium holiday to buy chocolates. When she got back, I found out she’d actually been on holiday in Paris buying curtain materials.

It was a fabrication.

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A bumpy flight

A plane full of British passengers is heading towards Paris with a smooth and uneventful start. Suddenly the plane is lurching and dipping with passengers getting very annoyed.

A group of passengers approach a flight attendant and demand to know what's happening. She says everything is fine ...

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Paris, 1940: A nazi squad enter into an apartment and begin to search for the hidden family.

The soldiers manage to find the dad, the mom and the son, but the daughter remains unfound.

The nazi officer suddenly hears a cough under the children's bed.

He looks under and find the little girl.

With a smile on his face, he tand his hand to help her come out the bedframe....

[BREAKING NEWS] A bomb has just exploded in a Paris cheese shop.

Eyewitnesses report there is currently de Brie all over the place.

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France...

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France. A woman walks by and asks why he is spreading salt around. “Well, it keeps the elephants away!” He replied. “But there are no elephants in Paris!” The woman said. ...

Protesters in Paris just attacked a fromagerie (cheese shop)!

There's nothing left but de brie.

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he ha...

3 men are bragging about their countries

The American speaks first.

"Our missiles are so advanced that they cannot be detected by radar!"

"Ha," said the Russian. "Our missiles are so powerful that they can level Washington in 1 hit!"

"That's nothing," said the German. "Our missiles can hit Paris before France surrender...

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My friend just asked me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime

and beat the shit out of him; the round of applause

he'd get would be astounding."

What would George Washington say if you told him that in 2017 it's now possible to eat breakfast in Tokyo, lunch in Paris, and dinner in Chicago?

"WTF is Chicago?"

Have you seen the floods in Paris?

It's inseine!

Confucius say: Man who jump off bridge in Paris

is in-Seine.

Trump has left the historical Paris Climate Accord in which countries around the world agreed to fight global warming...

It was the first time he pulled out of a working model.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris one morning....

...(coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'

Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'
<...

A well-off couple are having dinner in a restaurant when...

... a beautiful woman walks up to their table, passionately kisses the husband and says “I’ll see you later!”.

Fuming, the wife asks “who the hell is that?!” and the husband calmly replies “my mistress”. Even angrier, the wife says “that’s it! I’ve had enough. I want a divorce”.

Once ...

A couple decided to go skinny dipping in Paris during a cold winter night.

They were In Seine

Residents of Paris complaining of foul smell from burning wood in Notre Dame.

Because . . . . pew. (too soon?)

An American is talking to a girl in Paris

She says her name is Belle.

"That's a pretty name"

"Thanks. It means 'beautiful'. What does 'Nick' mean?"

"Oh, I don't know. It's just something my dad came up with while shaving."

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Three southern belles....

Muffy, Tiffy, and Blanche we’re sitting out on the veranda one afternoon, discussing their anniversaries.

Muffy: ‘for my anniversary, mah husband gave me a spa trip to Arizona.’

Tiffy and Blanche: ‘how nice, how nice!’

Tiffy: ‘for mah anniversary, my husband gave me a trip to Pa...

A man jumps into a river in paris.

His friend is shocked and asks "What are you doing?". The man says "I'm in Seine!"

Why are the trees planted so close together in Paris?

So the Germans could march in the shade.

Social Club

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
<...

French archaeologists found ancient copper cables under Paris...

They came to the conclusion that the French had telecommunications way back in the Copper age. Infuriated by this, the British published a paper saying they found Bronze cables under London and came to the conclusion that they had telecommunication technology way before the French.

After hear...

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A man is in an airplane from Miami to Paris

And a stunning gorgeous woman seats by his side. He's the eager to start a conversation.

"So, what are you doing in Paris?"

"I'm a scientist, I research sex"

The man is now tempted:

"What have you discovered about sex in your research?"

"I came to find that Native ...

I was surprised when I heard about the flooding in Paris...

...normally, the water is l'eau.

This guy said I needed thicker skin.

So I got a huge tattoo of Paris Hilton.

In 2011, a $3,200 cake made for Paris Hilton's birthday was stolen by a party crasher by the name of "Paz".

I've heard party crashers do crazy things but that one takes the cake.

A one-armed eldery man and his wife step into a restaurant in Paris

The man orders a steak while his wife goes for a salad. The waiter sees the man struggle with his steak, as he only has one arm. The waiter feels bad for the man, but doesn't want to ask him if everything is alright because he might embarrase the man. At one point the man leaves the table to go to t...

What do you call a person swimming in Paris' waters in winter?

In *Seine*.

Unlike most people, I’m happy that Trump pulled out of Paris.

Can you imagine how narcissistic their kids would have been?

What do you call a dwarf who regularly rides the Paris Metro?

A Metrognome.

A French Man tried to kill himself near the Switzerland border.

He was stopped and taken by the police to the nearest Police Station for Interrogation

Interrogation Officer: Why do you want to kill yourself? Also, don't you live in Paris? Why did you come all the way near the Border?

Man: Ah officer, That's because I love Swiss-side.

How did the Paris police find Quasimodo?

They followed a hunch.

It's November 10th 1823, Paris, France...

And 3 prisoners are to be executed on the public squared that day; An artist, a cook and an engineer. The artists walks up to the guillotine bows down and prays to god. The burrow releases the blade and it stops 10 centimeters above the artist's head. They try and try but the blade won't fall all th...

A strange man was knocking on Paris Hilton’s door all through the night.

By morning, she was fed up with it, so she let him out.

This just in: A white flag factory has burned to the ground in Paris...

... Effectively crippling the French military.

What do frogs eat in Paris?

French Flies

What happened when I lost my balance on Paris's most famous landmark?

Eiffel

Did you hear about the big coffee incident in Paris?

it's all over the French press

When I was in Paris I got rip-roaring drunk and fell off a bridge into the river

It was in Seine

"Batman, we need your help in Paris immediately."

"Worry not, Commissioner, I've already changed my Facebook profile picture."

I had this affair with a girl from Paris

French with benefits.

The US in the Paris Agreement

[removed]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend just asked me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat the shit out of him; the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."

After being robbed in Paris Kim Kardashian has been silent, Kanye cancelled concerts, and Keeping Up With The Kardashians filming has been suspended......

After being robbed in Paris Kim Kardashian has been silent, Kanye cancelled concerts, and Keeping Up With The Kardashians filming has been suspended......
Best gift from France ever!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They should change the name of The Paris Agreement to "The Weekend Golfing Trip."

Trump would never pull out of that.

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he wa...

Bob and Jim in Paris

Two Americans, Bob and Jim, are on vacation in Paris. They're walking down the street, when a car pulls up, slamming on the brakes. The driver leans out.

"Parlez vous Francais?"

Bob looks at Jim and shrugs.

"Habla Español?"

The two men just stare.

"Parli I...

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