Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.

And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.

I was traveling through Paris yesterday, just seeing the sights...

And I think I dropped my mixtape somwhere. If you find it plz PM me.

I thought my wife was going on a Belgium holiday to buy chocolates. When she got back, I found out she’d actually been on holiday in Paris buying curtain materials.

It was a fabrication.

How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?

I don’t know, it’s never been done

Residents of Paris complaining of foul smell from burning wood in Notre Dame.

Because . . . . pew. (too soon?)

Confucius say: Man who jump off bridge in Paris

is in-Seine.

During winter break, I visited Paris...

My mother, a fan of operas, brought me to experience one. The performance was phenomenal. Audience members were crying. I’ll admit I shed a tear, but when I left the opera house, I found more people crying too! At first, I thought the music could be heard from outside, but it turns out, it was just ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Chinese man goes on holiday in Paris, and goes to convert his yuan into euros.

He stops at a currency exchange near the hotel he's staying at, and gets 500 euros in exchange for 4000 yuan.

The next week, he goes back to the currency exchange and exchanges another 4000 yuan to euros, but only gets 495 euros this time.

"Why is it only 495 euros today? You gave me 5...

Why are the trees planted so close together in Paris?

So the Germans could march in the shade.

Protesters in Paris just attacked a fromagerie (cheese shop)!

There's nothing left but de brie.

My eyes are in New York. My brain is in Stockholm. My heart is in Paris. What am I?

Dead.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Paris, 1940: A nazi squad enter into an apartment and begin to search for the hidden family.

The soldiers manage to find the dad, the mom and the son, but the daughter remains unfound.

The nazi officer suddenly hears a cough under the children's bed.

He looks under and find the little girl.

With a smile on his face, he tand his hand to help her come out the bedframe....

[BREAKING NEWS] A bomb has just exploded in a Paris cheese shop.

Eyewitnesses report there is currently de Brie all over the place.

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he ha...

A German is trying to to make his way to Paris

At the border, the French customs agent asks him

“Name?”

“Hans Mueller.”

“Place of residence?”

“Munich.”

“Occupation?”

“No, just vacation this time.”

An old man boards a plane to Paris.

He is very excited to visit and is talking with the other passengers. Before takeoff, there is a dispute as to whether a French family has found their seats correctly or not. In an attempt to find their seats, the stewardess asks the people around them for their tickets. Eventually, she reaches the ...

A couple decided to go skinny dipping in Paris during a cold winter night.

They were In Seine

Unlike most people, I’m happy that Trump pulled out of Paris.

Can you imagine how narcissistic their kids would have been?

French archaeologists found ancient copper cables under Paris...

They came to the conclusion that the French had telecommunications way back in the Copper age. Infuriated by this, the British published a paper saying they found Bronze cables under London and came to the conclusion that they had telecommunication technology way before the French.

After hear...

Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.

"Nationality ? " asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."

What would George Washington say if you told him that in 2017 it's now possible to eat breakfast in Tokyo, lunch in Paris, and dinner in Chicago?

"WTF is Chicago?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donald Trump arrives in Paris on a state visit

At the Bois de Boulogne, he and French President Emmanuel Macron get into an open carriage for an afternoon ride around the park.

Suddenly, one of the horses pulling the carriage lets out a tremendous, yuge fart, and the resulting stench drifts backwards into the faces of the occupants of the...

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An old man is at passport control in Paris

He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'

'Yes' replied the old man.

Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last t...

Shoelaces, they can't be Paris...

but they can be Toulouse.

A man jumps into a river in paris.

His friend is shocked and asks "What are you doing?". The man says "I'm in Seine!"

Did you hear about the big coffee incident in Paris?

it's all over the French press

Trump has left the historical Paris Climate Accord in which countries around the world agreed to fight global warming...

It was the first time he pulled out of a working model.

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken. I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

I'll leave now.

In 2011, a $3,200 cake made for Paris Hilton's birthday was stolen by a party crasher by the name of "Paz".

I've heard party crashers do crazy things but that one takes the cake.

"Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"

"Because we conceived her in Paris."

"Thanks Dad!"

"No problem, backseat."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishwoman who marries a Frenchman goes to live in his Paris apartment

One day she goes out to buy groceries, but since she doesn't speak French and the butchers don't speak English, she rolls up her dress to indicate she wants some chicken thigh, which gets the message across.

The next week, she goes out and pulls down her top to indicate she wants chicken brea...

When I was in Paris I got rip-roaring drunk and fell off a bridge into the river

It was in Seine

Have you seen the floods in Paris?

It's inseine!

A strange man was knocking on Paris Hilton’s door all through the night.

By morning, she was fed up with it, so she let him out.

A french guy, an italian guy and an amarican on a plane.....

Among others, there are three guys on a plane. One is french, the other is italian and the third one is american.

The american says: "I bet I can guess where we are without looking outside, just by extend my arm out of the window". The other two go "Well, lets see". So he puts his arm outside...

I was surprised when I heard about the flooding in Paris...

...normally, the water is l'eau.

I had this affair with a girl from Paris

French with benefits.

A german joke in english

Last week Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives.
A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:


cop: name?

Otto: Otto

cop: address?

Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin

cop: Occupation?

Otto: no, just visitin...

What do frogs eat in Paris?

French Flies

Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?

He was declared to be in Seine.

What do you call a person swimming in Paris' waters in winter?

In *Seine*.

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he wa...

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

"Monsieur, that is the...

Two blondes having a conversation

Blonde 1: What do you think is closer, Paris or the Moon?

Blonde 2: Are you stupid? Can you see Paris from here?

What do you call a dwarf who regularly rides the Paris Metro?

A Metrognome.

What happened when I lost my balance on Paris's most famous landmark?

Eiffel

Eventually, Quasimodo dies and the Bishop immediately decides to hold auditions for the position of Notre Dame's bellringer.

After all, nobody lives forever. The bishop posted flyers all over Paris and the French countryside in the hopes that somebody, anybody could be half as good as Quasimodo was.

At the end of the day after a long week of holding auditions for disappointment after disappointment, the Bishop i...

What happened to the thief in Paris who jumped into the river to try to escape the police?

He was found criminally in Seine.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge...

A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.

"What are you doing?", Asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is in an airplane from Miami to Paris

And a stunning gorgeous woman seats by his side. He's the eager to start a conversation.

"So, what are you doing in Paris?"

"I'm a scientist, I research sex"

The man is now tempted:

"What have you discovered about sex in your research?"

"I came to find that Native ...

The US in the Paris Agreement

[removed]

Nicaragua just signed the Paris Climate Agreement, leaving the US and Syria as the only nations not in the agreement.

It's interesting. One of these countries is a corrupt, remote wasteland headed straight into chaos, pitting religious fundamentalists headed by a crooked tyrant against the majority of the people, and the other one is Syria.

A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

They should change the name of The Paris Agreement to "The Weekend Golfing Trip."

Trump would never pull out of that.

Three friends stranded on an island

There was no way they could survive on that island and leaving by boat or swimming wasn't an option too.

But they find a genie on that island that gives every friend one wish.

One of the friends said:
" I wanna be in New York " and suddenly he is in NY

The other said:
"I ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Wow you went on a 2 week honeymoon trip to London, Paris and Venice, what all did you see ?"

Newly married bride : Ceiling fans

Edit : this joke is funnier in India as they have taboo on premarital sex

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Old Gramps

Grandson visited his old Gramps.

"Hey Gramps, i make a trip with some friends to Europe. We want to visit Paris."

​

The old man smiled and replied:

"Oh, thats really nice. I was with my buddys there as well when i was younger.

We had a lot of fun. Best ...

A one-armed eldery man and his wife step into a restaurant in Paris

The man orders a steak while his wife goes for a salad. The waiter sees the man struggle with his steak, as he only has one arm. The waiter feels bad for the man, but doesn't want to ask him if everything is alright because he might embarrase the man. At one point the man leaves the table to go to t...

I don't see why the Paris agreement is such a big deal

Thousands of guys have pulled out of Paris before

A detective in Paris is conversing with the hunchback of Notre Dame about a murder committed the previous night

Detective: Well, who do you think did it?

The Hunchback of Notre Dame: I have a hunch.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris one morning....

...(coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'

Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'
<...

After being robbed in Paris Kim Kardashian has been silent, Kanye cancelled concerts, and Keeping Up With The Kardashians filming has been suspended......

After being robbed in Paris Kim Kardashian has been silent, Kanye cancelled concerts, and Keeping Up With The Kardashians filming has been suspended......
Best gift from France ever!!!

Trump only pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement because he was standing up for his own kind

After all, he is just a load of hot air

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My father moved around a lot when he lived in France.

He was always going from place to place, town to town, city to countryside.He loved to tell his stories, he told of the beautiful countryside in the South, back in 1975, he gave amazing descriptions of the lights in Paris, where he lived in the early 90’s, the mountains of Lyon from back in the late...

I hear that mime crime is a big problem in Paris these days.

Apparently they do unspeakable things if you resist.

It's November 10th 1823, Paris, France...

And 3 prisoners are to be executed on the public squared that day; An artist, a cook and an engineer. The artists walks up to the guillotine bows down and prays to god. The burrow releases the blade and it stops 10 centimeters above the artist's head. They try and try but the blade won't fall all th...

"Batman, we need your help in Paris immediately."

"Worry not, Commissioner, I've already changed my Facebook profile picture."

What's up with that big metal thing in Paris?

It's a right eyefull.

Did you hear that Donald Trump ripped up the Paris Agreement today?

Unfortunately he grabbed the wrong one, and now the US is a British colony again.

A Chinaman in Paris picks up a girl and takes her to his hotel room.

He opens the bedroom window and takes a deep breath. Then, they get into bed together
and make love. After a while the Chinaman says, "Excuse me, I am a little tired."

He gets out of the bed, goes over to the window, takes a deep breath. Then he rolls under
the bed and comes out the oth...

Topical Jokes for 1/12

The White House said that not sending a senior official to the Paris liberty march was a mistake. Joe Biden was supposed to fly there, but he’s not allowed on a plane unless he’s accompanied by an adult.

United Airlines is considering outsourcing jobs to cut costs. From now on, one lucky pass...

TIL there is an airport in Paris named after a former French President

• ORLY?

- No Charles De Gaulle

Bob and Jim in Paris

Two Americans, Bob and Jim, are on vacation in Paris. They're walking down the street, when a car pulls up, slamming on the brakes. The driver leans out.

"Parlez vous Francais?"

Bob looks at Jim and shrugs.

"Habla Español?"

The two men just stare.

"Parli I...

A mime is performing an act in Paris

An Englishman, Frenchman, Spanish man, and German man are watching the mime perform. The mime notices that they cannot see him very well. He places a box down and signals to the audience if they can see him.

"Yes"

"Oui"

"Sí"

"Ja"

This just in: A white flag factory has burned to the ground in Paris...

... Effectively crippling the French military.

When I was in Paris, I got up early to get some food.

They had this huge mushroom buffet. Portabella, shiitake; Breakfast of champignons

Everyone is worried Trump will pull us out of The Paris Accord...

But Trump doesn't know how to pull out, that is why he has 10 kids.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two turbaned Punjabies Kuldip and Jagdip went to Paris and made friends with a young Frenchman named Jean Paul.

For several weeks these two stooges went everywhere Jean Paul went. One day Jean Paul went missing. These two looked everywhere for days but could not find Jean Paul. So they went to the Police and reported that Jean Paul is missing.

Policeman: Can you describe your friend Jean Paul?
Kul...

Why does Paris have trees along Main Street?

Because Germans like to walk in the shade.

A man runs up to the conductor of a train that is about to depart from a station in Paris...

A man runs up to the conductor of a train that is about to depart from a station in Paris. Panting, he asks the conductor:
"Excuse me, does this train go to Toulouse?"
"Non monsieur," replies the conductor.
"Zis train goes 'WOOOOT WOOOOOOT!'"

What do you call the rough parts of Paris?

La Ba-ghetto

My girlfriend wants me to take her to Paris, and treat her like a princess

The only thing is, I don't know which to pick: the guillotine or the Mercedes.

A man from Egypt, a man from Paris and a man from Liverpool are all on a hot air balloon ride

The man from Egypt says "we're in Egypt! I can see the beautiful pyramids". A while later the man from Paris says "we're in Paris! I can see the Eiffel Tower from here". Next, the man from Liverpool spoke. He said "we're in Liverpool! I can see someone stealing my car!".

A tourist is walking along the riverbank in Paris

when a Frenchman runs and pushes him in.

Spluttering and angry, the tourist shouts "Are you crazy?"

To which the Frenchmen replies laughing "No, but you're in Seine"

An American biker decides to travel the world

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Har...

Two nuns are riding their bikes down a Paris street..

One looks to the other and says "You know, I've never come this way before." The second replies, "Must be the cobblestones."

Son: "Mom! The computer is full of viruses!"

Mom: "Screw the computer! I just won 2 free iPads and a free trip to Paris!"