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Paris Jokes

How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?

I don’t know, it’s never been done

A German is trying to to make his way to Paris

At the border, the French customs agent asks him

“Name?”

“Hans Mueller.”

“Place of residence?”

“Munich.”

“Occupation?”

“No, just vacation this time.”

Son: Why is my sister's name Paris?

Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: No problem Quarantine.

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An old man is at passport control in Paris

He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'

'Yes' replied the old man.

Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last t...

Yesterday my friend jumped into a river in Paris.

Insane.

Today he won’t accept he’s in a river in Egypt.

He’s clearly in denial.

Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.

And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris.

Turns out that idea was taken. I then had another idea for a movie where the same agent is kidnapped with his ex-wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

"Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"

"Because we conceived her in Paris."
"Ahh, thanks Dad! "
"You're welcome, Backseat."

How many men do you need to defend Paris?

I have no idea. Nobody ever tried.

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A man is on a business trip in Paris and gets lonely..

He decides to call down to the hotel lobby to see if they can arrange him an escort. Within minutes there is a knock on the door and he opens it to see a stunningly beautiful woman wearing a short tight dress. "Monsieur, what are you interested in tonight?" He thinks for a second and says "honestly,...

Last night I dreamed I was in Paris. The year was 1789.

I was poor and hungry. My clothes were in tatters. I was all alone.

Far away I saw the palace, and when the guards weren’t watching, I slipped inside.

I smelled food. I followed the smell.

There I saw the Queen, feasting on a huge banquet, with a dozen ladies of the court.
...

A bomb just went off in a paris cheese shop

There is de brie everywhere!

A German gets off a flight to Paris, and is going through customs

Customs agent: "Name?"

German: "Hans."

Agent: "Home city?"

German: "Dusseldorf."

Agent: "Occupation?"

German: "Nein, nein, just for a visit."

Credit to pjabrony

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My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”

“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his frien...

Why do you see so many dyslexics walking in Paris?

It's safer than walking alone.

TIFU: While our for a walk in Paris, I stepped on a snail.

Now I’m being haunted by an escarghost.

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An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris one morning....

...(coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'

Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'
<...

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Trump pulls out of Paris.

Probably for the best... can you imagine how narcissistic that kid would be?

After fighting off waves of attacks by the Spartans, Paris went to visit with Helen

But alas, she was not very happy.

“What is wrong, my love?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Come on, my love, I sacrificed so much for you, so you must divulge why you’re not happy.” He pleaded.

“It’s nothing.”

“I’m pleading with you! I will defeat the whole spartan army and Ach...

If one train is leaving London at 145 km/h and another train leaves Paris at 210 km/h one hour later, when do they meet?

Never. Train drivers in France are always on strike.

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A flight is on its way to Paris when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Paris, and I’m staying right here”.

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that th...

A Karen boards a flight to Paris and takes a seat in first class that is not hers.

The first flight attendant politely asked her to move to her seat in coach. The Karen smugly replied, "I am going to Paris and I will sit wherever I please."

The second flight attendant approached her sternly and demanded that she move to coach to take her proper seat. The Karen shouted loudl...

An american tourist is visiting Paris

He takes a taxi for a ride around the city, sees Notre Dame cathedral and asks the driver:



\-What's that ?



\-Notre Dame cathedral.



\-How long did it take to build it ?



\-I don't know, 50 years maybe ?



\-Oh my god, that's s...

The restaurant in Paris

Two retired couples are having dinner together.
The meal was pretty good, but one of the men said that it's nothing compared to the best steak he ever had at a small brasserie in Paris.
"Which one, do you remember the name?" Asked his friend.
Scratching his head and trying hard to recall, ...

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

Bill Clinton gets kicked out of every bakery in Paris.

He constantly feels their pain.

Why don’t you go swimming in Paris?

You would be insane.

Why are all the spiders in Paris so overweight?

They only eat French flies.

For fashion week, Paris covered the famous Eiffel Tower in camouflage

I'll be honest, I don't see the attraction.

I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS...

**THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.**

Boris Jeltsin, Bill Clinton and Ernesto Zedillo in Paris pub.

Boris Jeltsin, Bill Clinton and Ernesto Zedillo are going to pub in Paris to have a drink.
The bartender greets them and asks: "L'aperitif?" All there are responding with enthusiastic "Oui!"
Bartender turns to Zedillo: "Le tequila?"
Zedillo: "Oui!"
Kelner turns to Jeltsin: "...

An American tourist in Paris is standing near the Eiffel tower, scratching his head.

He says to his wife, “I don’t get it. This is the third time in our lives that we’ve visited Paris and they still haven’t found any oil here.”

A Man goes to a coffeeshop in Paris

He can’t decide what to order, so he asks the waiter about some suggestions. Waiter recommends cappuccino.

He thinks for a while, than says, “Nah, I think I’ll go with the espresso.”

“Are you sure? Our cappuccino is exceptional.“ says waiter.

“No, I think I’d like espresso.”...

You know what they call a foot fetish in Paris?

They got the metric system, they wouldn't know what the hell a foot is.

Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.

"Nationality ? " asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."

A husband and wife were having dinner

They were at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.


His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"


"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mist...

I tried climbing that tower in Paris..

but Eiffel.

What do you call a fire at a candy factory in Paris?

A Bon-bonfire.

What would high definition be called if invented in Paris?

The French resolution!

A one-armed eldery man and his wife step into a restaurant in Paris

The man orders a steak while his wife goes for a salad. The waiter sees the man struggle with his steak, as he only has one arm. The waiter feels bad for the man, but doesn't want to ask him if everything is alright because he might embarrase the man. At one point the man leaves the table to go to t...

I know you're all amazed a senator can believe the Paris agreement is about Paris and France

But to be honest, Eiffel for it.

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So my Professor said "if you were granted invisibility for one day what would you do?"

I said, " I'd go to Paris and find a mime and beat the crap out of him and the applause from the crowd would be outstanding! "

Did you hear that Paris Hilton has agreed to climb Mt. Everest?

It's being called the Paris climb it agreement.

An Arab oil sheik is standing in a Paris gallery

He says, "I admire Picasso. No one has sold his oil as expensively as he did."

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A very elderly British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

“You have been to France before, Monsieur?” the immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

“Then you should know well...

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A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris...

A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris when it encountered some heavy turbulence over the Atlantic. The captain has a decade of flying under his belt and manages to get through the turbulence without any major incidents.

He then switches on the intercom and says, “This is your captai...

Why are there trees in Paris?

So the Germans can walk in the shade.

Why does Paris have so many beautiful tree-lined streets?

The German army prefers to march in the shade.

I climbed a really tall tower in Paris

Unfortunately, Eiffel off.

So the Irish are playing against the English in the World Cup Final, being held in Paris.

Three Irish and three English fans are waiting at the airport to get the train to the stadium.

The three English fans go up to the ticket counter and buy one ticket each. The three Irish fans go up to the counter and buy only one ticket. The English fans see this and one asks the Irish, " Ho...

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The Masturbating Mime

Police in Paris have finally caught the elusive mime known for masturbating in public and harassing tourists.
In a statement, Police Chief claims "he came quietly"

Rumor has it that Lionel isn't popular with his teammates at Paris Saint-Germain.

He tends to leave the locker room a little Messi.

If you jumped off a bridge in Paris

You would be IN SEINE.....

What do they call a pushup in Paris?

A French press

What do you call The Hunger Games in Paris?

Battle Royale with cheese.

It's November 10th 1823, Paris, France...

And 3 prisoners are to be executed on the public squared that day; An artist, a cook and an engineer. The artists walks up to the guillotine bows down and prays to god. The burrow releases the blade and it stops 10 centimeters above the artist's head. They try and try but the blade won't fall all th...

Last night rioters destroyed the famous Etampes Cheese Market in Paris

All that was left was de-Brie

In Paris, a man was beaten to death with a baguette.

The French police raids several apartments: ”We are looking for Le Pain Killer”

Me and my French girlfriend started a bakery in Paris with our life savings. It didn't take off. I went bankrupt. She left me.

Now all I have is pain.

The art of joke writing

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime...

What's the difference between Paris Hilton and the Titanic?

Only 800 people went down on the Titanic!

[Old Indian Joke] Rinky :"Wow,you went on a 3 week honeymoon to Milan,Barcelona and Paris. What did you see?"

Pinky :" Ceiling fans"

"Batman, we need your help in Paris immediately."

"Worry not, Commissioner, I've already changed my Facebook profile picture."

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A man is in an airplane from Miami to Paris

And a stunning gorgeous woman seats by his side. He's the eager to start a conversation.

"So, what are you doing in Paris?"

"I'm a scientist, I research sex"

The man is now tempted:

"What have you discovered about sex in your research?"

"I came to find that Native ...

This just in: A white flag factory has burned to the ground in Paris...

... Effectively crippling the French military.

I tried to order a couple of eggs for breakfast in Paris.

The waiter said "One egg is an oeuf!"

What is the difference between Disneyland Paris and Disneyland Chernobyl

The 6ft tall Mouse is real.

How did the Paris police find Quasimodo?

They followed a hunch.

Did you hear about the crazy man who jumped into the river in Paris?

Many people say he’s inseine

I got jet lag on my last trip to Paris...

The French doctor prescribed me something to keep track of time: Queloratil.

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week

and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR" My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs...smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'We walked t...

Protesters in Paris just attacked a fromagerie (cheese shop)!

There's nothing left but de brie.

A couple of tourists were dining at a fine restaurant in Paris.

After waiting for an hour, the husband finally was able to catch the waiter's eye. "I want a bottle of your best wine," he ordered.

"What year?" asked the waiter.

"Right now!" bellowed the tourist.

Have you seen the floods in Paris?

It's inseine!

What’s the difference between New York and Paris?

Paris only lost one tower

Did you guys hear about the new museum opening in Paris for funky music?

It’s called the Grouvre.

Are you from Paris?

-Cause you are driving me In-Seine

Wife: Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary? Husband: A trip to Paris. Wife: Wow! That’s wonderful! How about for our 50th?

I’ll pick you back up.

The US in the Paris Agreement

[removed]

French archaeologists found ancient copper cables under Paris...

They came to the conclusion that the French had telecommunications way back in the Copper age. Infuriated by this, the British published a paper saying they found Bronze cables under London and came to the conclusion that they had telecommunication technology way before the French.

After hear...

A man was on a business trip in Paris

He goes to well known brothel and has the best time of his life. He goes out after, lights a cigarette and after a while he spits on the pavement.
A policeman passing by sees him spitting so he stops and tells him: 'You can't do this here, you are in Paris. I am sorry but you have to pay a 50€ f...

The UK is really taking the Paris Climate Agreement seriously.

Yesterday they voted to become Corbyn-neutral by 2020.

What did the American say to the guy next to him at the public loo in Paris?

European

A man jumps into a river in paris.

His friend is shocked and asks "What are you doing?". The man says "I'm in Seine!"

An American is talking to a girl in Paris

She says her name is Belle.

"That's a pretty name"

"Thanks. It means 'beautiful'. What does 'Nick' mean?"

"Oh, I don't know. It's just something my dad came up with while shaving."

Free shipping?

I walked into an airport with two bags:

"I want this one to go to Chicago, and this one to go to Paris."

"Sir, you can't do that."

"Why not? It happened the last time."

A German lands in Paris...

Upon having his passport verified, the French officer asks him:

-Occupation?

-Oh, no no, just visiting!

What do the Eiffel Tower and a tick have in common?

They're both Paris sites.

This is the first year I’m not going on vacation to Paris because of covid.

Usually I don’t go because I can’t afford it.

Confucius say: Man who jump off bridge in Paris

is in-Seine.

An American biker decides to travel the world...

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Ha...

Why are the trees planted so close together in Paris?

So the Germans could march in the shade.

A drunk guy is driving around Paris...

He keeps crashing into everything, and almost kills several pedestrians. Eventually, he's about to cross a bridge, but he doesn't make it, and instead plunges his car into the water below. However, the guy doesn't seem to care, as he tries to keep driving.

A nearby ship: "What the heck is wro...

A Saudi Prince is in Paris to meet a business associate.

They meet in a stylish bistro where the French businessman orders "un cafe".

Not wanting to be outdone the Saudi orders two cafes, a restaurant and a distribution warehouse.

I had this affair with a girl from Paris

French with benefits.

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France...

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France. A woman walks by and asks why he is spreading salt around. “Well, it keeps the elephants away!” He replied. “But there are no elephants in Paris!” The woman said. ...

A guy called British Airways before his flight from London to Paris: “Hi, I have a question. Can I fly to France using my drivers license?”

“No”, said the woman. “You need a plane”

The Farmer and his Daughters

Now once there was a farmer, and daughters he had five,
And each of them was waiting for their first date to arrive.
Their boyfriends all would tell him how they would have their fun.
If the farmer didn't like it, he'd shoot them with his gun.

So the first guy knocked on the do...

I was surprised when I heard about the flooding in Paris...

...normally, the water is l'eau.

Aren't you excited that Breakdancing will be part of the 2024 Paris Olympic games?

I'm head over heels!

Did you hear about the big coffee incident in Paris?

it's all over the French press

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