This is the first year I’m not going on vacation to Paris because of covid.

Usually I don’t go because I can’t afford it.

Last night rioters destroyed the famous Etampes Cheese Market in Paris

All that was left was de-Brie

Me: I'm thinking of going to Paris again.

Friend: When did you go?
Me: Oh, I've never been. I'm just thinking of going again.

IF You jumped off the bridge in Paris you'd be..

in seine

How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?

I don’t know, it’s never been done

Did you hear about the crazy man who jumped into the river in Paris?

Many people say he’s inseine

My eyes are in New York. My brain is in Stockholm. My heart is in Paris. What am I?

Dead.

What happens when you drink too much water in Paris?

European.

What's the difference between Paris Hilton and the Titanic?

Only 800 people went down on the Titanic!

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "I will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who is this?"

"My name's Teddy," said the boy. "I'm going steady with Be...

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS...

**THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.**

What do you call The Hunger Games in Paris?

Battle Royale with cheese.

A trip to Paris

Rufus, a furniture dealer from St Catherine, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.  To celebrate t...

In Paris, a man was beaten to death with a baguette.

The French police raids several apartments: ”We are looking for Le Pain Killer”

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I had sex with Paris Hilton once. I came after just thirteen seconds.

But to be fair, she did ask me to fuck her brains out.

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Pierre, a French pilot of WW1 took leave in Paris and went out to sample the nightlife. He has a great night of song and wine and he meets a young lady, who he invites back to his apartment.

The excited pair walk back through the tree lined boulevards and on the way, Pierre drops in to a shop to purchase a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, a bottle of brandy and a box of matches.

When they reach the apartment they waste no time in stripping off and fall passionately ont...

A boy asks his father how his sister go the name Paris.

"Well son, your sister was conceived in Paris"

"Oh, so that's why. Thanks dad"

"You're welcome Quarantine"

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A woman had three daughters getting married the same day. Naturally she was worried about their sex life. It was agreed that they would send a discrete message.

Two weeks after the triple wedding the first message arrives. An ad for Maxwell House with the slogan "Good till the last drop." She's happy for her girl.

A month passes and a second message arrives with a Marlboro ad. "Marlboro: Extra long, extra strong." She's a little embarrassed, but happ...

A German is trying to to make his way to Paris

At the border, the French customs agent asks him

“Name?”

“Hans Mueller.”

“Place of residence?”

“Munich.”

“Occupation?”

“No, just vacation this time.”

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Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?

The Nazis liked to park their tanks in the shade.

I told my friend my original movie concept: An ex-Secret Service agent's teenage daughter is abducted by human traffickers while on a trip to Paris.

He said "Sorry mate, I think that idea's taken"

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A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris...

A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris when it encountered some heavy turbulence over the Atlantic. The captain has a decade of flying under his belt and manages to get through the turbulence without any major incidents.

He then switches on the intercom and says, “This is your captai...

A man was on a business trip in Paris

He goes to well known brothel and has the best time of his life. He goes out after, lights a cigarette and after a while he spits on the pavement.
A policeman passing by sees him spitting so he stops and tells him: 'You can't do this here, you are in Paris. I am sorry but you have to pay a 50€ f...

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A bumpy flight

A plane full of British passengers is heading towards Paris with a smooth and uneventful start. Suddenly the plane is lurching and dipping with passengers getting very annoyed.

A group of passengers approach a flight attendant and demand to know what's happening. She says everything is fine ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend just asked me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime

and beat the shit out of him; the round of applause

he'd get would be astounding."

When I was in Paris I had a terrible accident.

Eiffel off a tower.

Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.

And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.

“Daddy, why is my sister called Paris?” “Because she was conceived in Paris” “Thanks for explaining Daddy”.......

“No problem Lockdown”

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An old man is at passport control in Paris

He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'

'Yes' replied the old man.

Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”

“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his frien...

An art thief once stole some very expensive paintings from the Louvre in Paris. He took two Van Goghs, a couple Monets, a DeGas, and some other paintings.

Everything went perfectly, except he was captured sitting in his van with the paintings only 2 blocks from the museum, his van had run out of fuel!

When asked by the police how he could plan such a successful robbery and then be foiled by such a simple error, he replied...

"I had no ...

A well-off couple are having dinner in a restaurant when...

... a beautiful woman walks up to their table, passionately kisses the husband and says “I’ll see you later!”.

Fuming, the wife asks “who the hell is that?!” and the husband calmly replies “my mistress”. Even angrier, the wife says “that’s it! I’ve had enough. I want a divorce”.

Once ...

Whats the difference between a tick and the Eifel tower?

Nothing, they are both Paris sites.

A French Man tried to kill himself near the Switzerland border.

He was stopped and taken by the police to the nearest Police Station for Interrogation

Interrogation Officer: Why do you want to kill yourself? Also, don't you live in Paris? Why did you come all the way near the Border?

Man: Ah officer, That's because I love Swiss-side.

Social Club

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
<...

3 men are bragging about their countries

The American speaks first.

"Our missiles are so advanced that they cannot be detected by radar!"

"Ha," said the Russian. "Our missiles are so powerful that they can level Washington in 1 hit!"

"That's nothing," said the German. "Our missiles can hit Paris before France surrender...

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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". T...

What is the difference between Disneyland Paris and Disneyland Chernobyl

The 6ft tall Mouse is real.

I want to a cafe in Paris and was insulted by the barista.

It was a regular French roast.



*edit "went"

This guy said I needed thicker skin.

So I got a huge tattoo of Paris Hilton.

A tourist in Paris tells the waiter: Pardon me, but this coffee is cold!

The waiter replies: Thanks for letting me know, I’ll make a note of it on the bill. Iced coffee is one Euro extra.

Aren't you excited that Breakdancing will be part of the 2024 Paris Olympic games?

I'm head over heels!

I Went to Paris to See a Landmark.

It was quite an Eiffel.

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he ha...

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Trump pulls out of Paris.

Probably for the best... can you imagine how narcissistic that kid would be?

[BREAKING NEWS] A bomb has just exploded in a Paris cheese shop.

Eyewitnesses report there is currently de Brie all over the place.

Confucius say: Man who jump off bridge in Paris

is in-Seine.

What do you get when you drop a nuclear bomb over Paris?

French fries.

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France...

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France. A woman walks by and asks why he is spreading salt around. “Well, it keeps the elephants away!” He replied. “But there are no elephants in Paris!” The woman said. ...

Protesters in Paris just attacked a fromagerie (cheese shop)!

There's nothing left but de brie.

Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.

"Nationality ? " asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."

If an apple is the United State's favorite fruit, what is France's?

A Paris.

I thought my wife was going on a Belgium holiday to buy chocolates. When she got back, I found out she’d actually been on holiday in Paris buying curtain materials.

It was a fabrication.

There's a fly in my soup !

Man on holiday in Paris goes to a restaurant and orders his dinner. When the soup arrives he finds a fly in the soup.
He calls the waiter over, and mustering his best French says:
Garcon, voici le mouche !
The waiter looks at the soup for a moment and then replies (in his best En...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paris, 1940: A nazi squad enter into an apartment and begin to search for the hidden family.

The soldiers manage to find the dad, the mom and the son, but the daughter remains unfound.

The nazi officer suddenly hears a cough under the children's bed.

He looks under and find the little girl.

With a smile on his face, he tand his hand to help her come out the bedframe....

French archaeologists found ancient copper cables under Paris...

They came to the conclusion that the French had telecommunications way back in the Copper age. Infuriated by this, the British published a paper saying they found Bronze cables under London and came to the conclusion that they had telecommunication technology way before the French.

After hear...

Trump has left the historical Paris Climate Accord in which countries around the world agreed to fight global warming...

It was the first time he pulled out of a working model.

A couple decided to go skinny dipping in Paris during a cold winter night.

They were In Seine

Residents of Paris complaining of foul smell from burning wood in Notre Dame.

Because . . . . pew. (too soon?)

I haven't seen shelves this empty

Since Paris Hilton showed me her personal library

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris. But it turns out that idea was taken.

Then I had another idea where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was Taken 2.

Why are the trees planted so close together in Paris?

So the Germans could march in the shade.

The Wish

Three men are stranded on a desert island, when a bottle washes up on the shore. When they uncork the bottle, a genie appears and offers three wishes. The first wishes to be taken to Paris. The genie snaps his fingers, and the man suddenly finds himself standing in front of the Eiffel Tower. The sec...

A man jumps into a river in paris.

His friend is shocked and asks "What are you doing?". The man says "I'm in Seine!"

What would George Washington say if you told him that in 2017 it's now possible to eat breakfast in Tokyo, lunch in Paris, and dinner in Chicago?

"WTF is Chicago?"

Have you seen the floods in Paris?

It's inseine!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Too expensive!

A French farmer takes his wife to travel to Paris. While his wife rented a hotel and put suitcase, he went for a walk. A prostitute approached: - Honey, will you come with me? - How much? - One hundred euros! - Too expensive! - If you like cheap then go find others, the prostitute said and left. ...

In 2011, a $3,200 cake made for Paris Hilton's birthday was stolen by a party crasher by the name of "Paz".

I've heard party crashers do crazy things but that one takes the cake.

I was surprised when I heard about the flooding in Paris...

...normally, the water is l'eau.

What do frogs eat in Paris?

French Flies

Did you hear about the big coffee incident in Paris?

it's all over the French press

What do you call a person swimming in Paris' waters in winter?

In *Seine*.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris one morning....

...(coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'

Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'
<...

When I was in Paris I got rip-roaring drunk and fell off a bridge into the river

It was in Seine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Danish, French and Italian women ...

A Danish guy, a Frenchman and an Italian man got together in a bar in Berlin after attending the long and boring business conference. Their talk drifted to the subject of women, of course, with each man claiming that the women in their home country were the sexiest and most sensual.

"If we we...

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A man is in an airplane from Miami to Paris

And a stunning gorgeous woman seats by his side. He's the eager to start a conversation.

"So, what are you doing in Paris?"

"I'm a scientist, I research sex"

The man is now tempted:

"What have you discovered about sex in your research?"

"I came to find that Native ...

What do you call a dwarf who regularly rides the Paris Metro?

A Metrognome.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gorgeous blonde woman

Is on a plane to Paris. She takes her seat in the economy class, but notices an empty seat in first class. After the plane has taken off she moves to first class. The stewardess notices and asks her to return to her seat.
The woman says "No, I'm a beautiful woman on my way to Paris and I will sit...

A strange man was knocking on Paris Hilton’s door all through the night.

By morning, she was fed up with it, so she let him out.

It's November 10th 1823, Paris, France...

And 3 prisoners are to be executed on the public squared that day; An artist, a cook and an engineer. The artists walks up to the guillotine bows down and prays to god. The burrow releases the blade and it stops 10 centimeters above the artist's head. They try and try but the blade won't fall all th...

What happened when I lost my balance on Paris's most famous landmark?

Eiffel

A one-armed eldery man and his wife step into a restaurant in Paris

The man orders a steak while his wife goes for a salad. The waiter sees the man struggle with his steak, as he only has one arm. The waiter feels bad for the man, but doesn't want to ask him if everything is alright because he might embarrase the man. At one point the man leaves the table to go to t...

My girlfriend told me I should treat her like a princess

So I took her to Paris for the weekend, rented a Mercedes, and drove her into a wall.

I had this affair with a girl from Paris

French with benefits.

An American biker decides to travel the world

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Har...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man tsks at his great-grandson playing Fortnite

"This is what you kids do for fun these days? Why back in my day, we'd go to the Moulin Rouge in Paris, fuck all the dancers, piss all over the bar, and leave without paying!"

He didn't think anything more of it until a month later when his great-grandson limped into his house on a pair of cr...

"Batman, we need your help in Paris immediately."

"Worry not, Commissioner, I've already changed my Facebook profile picture."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend just asked me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat the shit out of him; the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They should change the name of The Paris Agreement to "The Weekend Golfing Trip."

Trump would never pull out of that.

This just in: A white flag factory has burned to the ground in Paris...

... Effectively crippling the French military.

After being robbed in Paris Kim Kardashian has been silent, Kanye cancelled concerts, and Keeping Up With The Kardashians filming has been suspended......

After being robbed in Paris Kim Kardashian has been silent, Kanye cancelled concerts, and Keeping Up With The Kardashians filming has been suspended......
Best gift from France ever!!!

Bob and Jim in Paris

Two Americans, Bob and Jim, are on vacation in Paris. They're walking down the street, when a car pulls up, slamming on the brakes. The driver leans out.

"Parlez vous Francais?"

Bob looks at Jim and shrugs.

"Habla Español?"

The two men just stare.

"Parli I...

I hear that mime crime is a big problem in Paris these days.

Apparently they do unspeakable things if you resist.

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he wa...

The US in the Paris Agreement

[removed]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

What happened to the thief in Paris who jumped into the river to try to escape the police?

He was found criminally in Seine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Wow you went on a 2 week honeymoon trip to London, Paris and Venice, what all did you see ?"

Newly married bride : Ceiling fans

Edit : this joke is funnier in India as they have taboo on premarital sex

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge...

A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.

"What are you doing?", Asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, ...

Prince Andrew

I'm so sad, I've just heard the news:
’Prince Andrew’s fatal car crash accident in Paris tunnel’...

Next month.

I don't see why the Paris agreement is such a big deal

Thousands of guys have pulled out of Paris before

Nicaragua just signed the Paris Climate Agreement, leaving the US and Syria as the only nations not in the agreement.

It's interesting. One of these countries is a corrupt, remote wasteland headed straight into chaos, pitting religious fundamentalists headed by a crooked tyrant against the majority of the people, and the other one is Syria.

What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Philip?

Murdered in a tunnel in Paris.

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