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Paris Jokes

Son: Why is my sister's name Paris?

Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: No problem Quarantine.

How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?

I don’t know, it’s never been done

After fighting off waves of attacks by the Spartans, Paris went to visit with Helen

But alas, she was not very happy.

“What is wrong, my love?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Come on, my love, I sacrificed so much for you, so you must divulge why you’re not happy.” He pleaded.

“It’s nothing.”

“I’m pleading with you! I will defeat the whole spartan army and Ach...

An American tourist in Paris is standing near the Eiffel tower, scratching his head.

He says to his wife, “I don’t get it. This is the third time in our lives that we’ve visited Paris and they still haven’t found any oil here.”

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris.

Turns out that idea was taken. I then had another idea for a movie where the same agent is kidnapped with his ex-wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

An american tourist is visiting Paris

He takes a taxi for a ride around the city, sees Notre Dame cathedral and asks the driver:



\-What's that ?



\-Notre Dame cathedral.



\-How long did it take to build it ?



\-I don't know, 50 years maybe ?



\-Oh my god, that's s...

Bill Clinton gets kicked out of every bakery in Paris.

He constantly feels their pain.

For fashion week, Paris covered the famous Eiffel Tower in camouflage

I'll be honest, I don't see the attraction.

The restaurant in Paris

Two retired couples are having dinner together.
The meal was pretty good, but one of the men said that it's nothing compared to the best steak he ever had at a small brasserie in Paris.
"Which one, do you remember the name?" Asked his friend.
Scratching his head and trying hard to recall, ...

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

Why are all the spiders in Paris so overweight?

They only eat French flies.

Last night I dreamed I was in Paris. The year was 1789.

I was poor and hungry. My clothes were in tatters. I was all alone.

Far away I saw the palace, and when the guards weren’t watching, I slipped inside.

I smelled food. I followed the smell.

There I saw the Queen, feasting on a huge banquet, with a dozen ladies of the court.
...

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My grandpa told his grandson “all you kids do nowadays is play video games”

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

A German gets off a flight to Paris, and is going through customs

Customs agent: "Name?"

German: "Hans."

Agent: "Home city?"

German: "Dusseldorf."

Agent: "Occupation?"

German: "Nein, nein, just for a visit."

Credit to pjabrony

Why don’t you go swimming in Paris?

You would be insane.

What do you call a fire at a candy factory in Paris?

A Bon-bonfire.

Magical Mirror

In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you disappear.

One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror.

The brunette goes first. "I think I'm ...

What do the Eiffel Tower and a tick have in common?

They're both Paris sites.

Walking through Paris, I noticed a young man sitting on a bench sobbing. I sat down beside him and softly said, "le monde". He raised his head, looked me in the eyes and said,

"That means the world to me."

A German is trying to to make his way to Paris

At the border, the French customs agent asks him

“Name?”

“Hans Mueller.”

“Place of residence?”

“Munich.”

“Occupation?”

“No, just vacation this time.”

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A flight is on its way to Paris when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Paris, and I’m staying right here”.

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that th...

A Karen boards a flight to Paris and takes a seat in first class that is not hers.

The first flight attendant politely asked her to move to her seat in coach. The Karen smugly replied, "I am going to Paris and I will sit wherever I please."

The second flight attendant approached her sternly and demanded that she move to coach to take her proper seat. The Karen shouted loudl...

So the Irish are playing against the English in the World Cup Final, being held in Paris.

Three Irish and three English fans are waiting at the airport to get the train to the stadium.

The three English fans go up to the ticket counter and buy one ticket each. The three Irish fans go up to the counter and buy only one ticket. The English fans see this and one asks the Irish, " Ho...

You know what they call a foot fetish in Paris?

They got the metric system, they wouldn't know what the hell a foot is.

[Old Indian Joke] Rinky :"Wow,you went on a 3 week honeymoon to Milan,Barcelona and Paris. What did you see?"

Pinky :" Ceiling fans"

A Man goes to a coffeeshop in Paris

He can’t decide what to order, so he asks the waiter about some suggestions. Waiter recommends cappuccino.

He thinks for a while, than says, “Nah, I think I’ll go with the espresso.”

“Are you sure? Our cappuccino is exceptional.“ says waiter.

“No, I think I’d like espresso.”...

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An old man is at passport control in Paris

He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'

'Yes' replied the old man.

Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last t...

An American biker decides to travel the world [ Long]

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Har...

Me and my French girlfriend started a bakery in Paris with our life savings. It didn't take off. I went bankrupt. She left me.

Now all I have is pain.

Did you hear that Paris Hilton has agreed to climb Mt. Everest?

It's being called the Paris climb it agreement.

Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.

And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.

What happens if you cross Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip?

You die in a car accident in Paris.

Wife: Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary? Husband: A trip to Paris. Wife: Wow! That’s wonderful! How about for our 50th?

I’ll pick you back up.

Three Moroccan Jewish women have a chat.

They've known each other for quite some time and every wednesday they have this tradition where they drink tea together and gossip and chat. The first one says: " You know my son, he had such a great year this year, if he wanted he could buy all of Paris and still have some change.". The second one ...

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I went to France.

I visited Paris and Marseille. Not Nice.

Rumor has it that Lionel isn't popular with his teammates at Paris Saint-Germain.

He tends to leave the locker room a little Messi.

My friend asked me if there were famous NSFW parts of historical eras

I said that there weren’t many famous cases, except for the time Robespierre got head from King Louis XVI in front of all of Paris.

What would high definition be called if invented in Paris?

The French resolution!

An Arab oil sheik is standing in a Paris gallery

He says, "I admire Picasso. No one has sold his oil as expensively as he did."

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Two americans are sitting in a restaurant in Paris

The waiter comes and asks: "Bonjour monsieurs. Qu'est que tu voudrais?"

One american smiles at his friend: "Let me handle this, I speak french", then he turns to the waiter "Le we le want le pizza le please." The waiter nods and leaves.

After an hour he comes back with a pizza, spits ...

Did you hear about the crazy man who jumped into the river in Paris?

Many people say he’s inseine

My eyes are in New York. My brain is in Stockholm. My heart is in Paris. What am I?

Dead.

A guy called British Airways before his flight from London to Paris: “Hi, I have a question. Can I fly to France using my drivers license?”

“No”, said the woman. “You need a plane”

Why does Paris have so many beautiful tree-lined streets?

The German army prefers to march in the shade.

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The Masturbating Mime

Police in Paris have finally caught the elusive mime known for masturbating in public and harassing tourists.
In a statement, Police Chief claims "he came quietly"

On the Bulgarian edition of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire...

The new contestant sits on the chair. He just grunts at the host's introduction questions, so they get straight to the game.

First question - Which city is the capital of Bulgaria:

* A. Sofia
* B. Moscow
* C. London
* D. Paris

Respondent: "I'd like to ask the audience."...

A bomb just went off in a paris cheese shop

There is de brie everywhere!

What did the American say to the guy next to him at the public loo in Paris?

European

A couple of tourists were dining at a fine restaurant in Paris.

After waiting for an hour, the husband finally was able to catch the waiter's eye. "I want a bottle of your best wine," he ordered.

"What year?" asked the waiter.

"Right now!" bellowed the tourist.

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Trump pulls out of Paris.

Probably for the best... can you imagine how narcissistic that kid would be?

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A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris...

A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris when it encountered some heavy turbulence over the Atlantic. The captain has a decade of flying under his belt and manages to get through the turbulence without any major incidents.

He then switches on the intercom and says, “This is your captai...

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An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris one morning....

...(coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'

Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'
<...

Last night rioters destroyed the famous Etampes Cheese Market in Paris

All that was left was de-Brie

This is the first year I’m not going on vacation to Paris because of covid.

Usually I don’t go because I can’t afford it.

"Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"

"Because we conceived her in Paris." "Ahh, thanks Dad! " "You're welcome, Backseat."

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week

and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR" My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs...smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'We walked t...

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I've adapted a play about a hoard of small Chinese rodents that go to Paris during the French revolution and then all run off a cliff into the Seine.

Le Mings

I climbed a really tall tower in Paris

Unfortunately, Eiffel off.

Did you guys hear about the new museum opening in Paris for funky music?

It’s called the Grouvre.

It works...

A tourist in Paris notices a man stuffing bananas in his ears. stops him and asks: "Why are you stuffing bananas into your ears?"

The man replies: "It's keeping the crocodiles away!"

"But good sir, there are no crocodiles in Paris!"

"See, it works..." replies the man.

Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.

"Nationality ? " asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."

Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my ...

A couple are having dinner at a nice restaurant. A lovely young woman walks up to the table, kisses the man on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie" before walking away. The wife is livid.

"Who the hell was that, and what did she mean about seeing you later?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura."

"You have a mistress, and she has the nerve to walk up to us in public? This is unforgivable. I want a divorce."

"Honey, she means nothing to me. Just a bit of harmless fun. ...

If you jumped off a bridge in Paris

You would be IN SEINE.....

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The tourist and the French girl

An American tourist visited a 5-star hotel in Paris.
As he sat at the bar, enjoying his drink, a red hot French girl in a red dress, came to him and said something in French, which he wasn't able to understand.
Unable to get over her heavenly body mixed with the heady aroma of her French perfu...

What do they call a pushup in Paris?

A French press

I tried to order a couple of eggs for breakfast in Paris.

The waiter said "One egg is an oeuf!"

In Paris, a man was beaten to death with a baguette.

The French police raids several apartments: ”We are looking for Le Pain Killer”

I got jet lag on my last trip to Paris...

The French doctor prescribed me something to keep track of time: Queloratil.

What's the difference between Paris Hilton and the Titanic?

Only 800 people went down on the Titanic!

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A very elderly British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

“You have been to France before, Monsieur?” the immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

“Then you should know well...

A one-armed eldery man and his wife step into a restaurant in Paris

The man orders a steak while his wife goes for a salad. The waiter sees the man struggle with his steak, as he only has one arm. The waiter feels bad for the man, but doesn't want to ask him if everything is alright because he might embarrase the man. At one point the man leaves the table to go to t...

I told my friend my original movie concept: An ex-Secret Service agent's teenage daughter is abducted by human traffickers while on a trip to Paris.

He said "Sorry mate, I think that idea's taken"

Trump has left the historical Paris Climate Accord in which countries around the world agreed to fight global warming...

It was the first time he pulled out of a working model.

What’s the difference between New York and Paris?

Paris only lost one tower

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A man is in an airplane from Miami to Paris

And a stunning gorgeous woman seats by his side. He's the eager to start a conversation.

"So, what are you doing in Paris?"

"I'm a scientist, I research sex"

The man is now tempted:

"What have you discovered about sex in your research?"

"I came to find that Native ...

What do you call The Hunger Games in Paris?

Battle Royale with cheese.

Why are there trees in Paris?

So the Germans can walk in the shade.

A tourist in Paris tells the waiter: Pardon me, but this coffee is cold!

The waiter replies: Thanks for letting me know, I’ll make a note of it on the bill. Iced coffee is one Euro extra.

The UK is really taking the Paris Climate Agreement seriously.

Yesterday they voted to become Corbyn-neutral by 2020.

Protesters in Paris just attacked a fromagerie (cheese shop)!

There's nothing left but de brie.

Aren't you excited that Breakdancing will be part of the 2024 Paris Olympic games?

I'm head over heels!

What happens when you drink too much water in Paris?

European.

Gordon Morgan...

was having all kinds of problems introducing himself at breakfast in Berlin.

While his friend Jim Apple was having similar problems in Paris

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

'Monsieur,...

What would George Washington say if you told him that in 2017 it's now possible to eat breakfast in Tokyo, lunch in Paris, and dinner in Chicago?

"WTF is Chicago?"

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8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

-----

*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

Have you seen the floods in Paris?

It's inseine!

I want to a cafe in Paris and was insulted by the barista.

It was a regular French roast.



*edit "went"

It's November 10th 1823, Paris, France...

And 3 prisoners are to be executed on the public squared that day; An artist, a cook and an engineer. The artists walks up to the guillotine bows down and prays to god. The burrow releases the blade and it stops 10 centimeters above the artist's head. They try and try but the blade won't fall all th...

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Paris, 1940: A nazi squad enter into an apartment and begin to search for the hidden family.

The soldiers manage to find the dad, the mom and the son, but the daughter remains unfound.

The nazi officer suddenly hears a cough under the children's bed.

He looks under and find the little girl.

With a smile on his face, he tand his hand to help her come out the bedframe....

A man was on a business trip in Paris

He goes to well known brothel and has the best time of his life. He goes out after, lights a cigarette and after a while he spits on the pavement.
A policeman passing by sees him spitting so he stops and tells him: 'You can't do this here, you are in Paris. I am sorry but you have to pay a 50€ f...

Sudden change of heart

An extremely wealthy investor and his wife of 25 years, were having dinner at a five-star restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman came over to their table, gave the husband a big, wet kiss, and in a breathy voice she said, "I'll see you later tonight…" ending with a wink just before turni...

Joke about a Pole in a swearing competition

A contest was set up. By who? Nobody knows.


But, the general gist was this - whoever can maintain the longest flow of cursewords wins... something.


And so, a Britton, a Frenchman, a Russian and a Pole get into the finals. Each have their own booths to psyche up and prepare for ...

An art thief once stole some very expensive paintings from the Louvre in Paris. He took two Van Goghs, a couple Monets, a DeGas, and some other paintings.

Everything went perfectly, except he was captured sitting in his van with the paintings only 2 blocks from the museum, his van had run out of fuel!

When asked by the police how he could plan such a successful robbery and then be foiled by such a simple error, he replied...

"I had no ...

This just in: A white flag factory has burned to the ground in Paris...

... Effectively crippling the French military.

A sad story of duty, conviction and love

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applican...

"Batman, we need your help in Paris immediately."

"Worry not, Commissioner, I've already changed my Facebook profile picture."

What is the difference between Disneyland Paris and Disneyland Chernobyl

The 6ft tall Mouse is real.

[BREAKING NEWS] A bomb has just exploded in a Paris cheese shop.

Eyewitnesses report there is currently de Brie all over the place.

A couple decided to go skinny dipping in Paris during a cold winter night.

They were In Seine

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France...

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France. A woman walks by and asks why he is spreading salt around. “Well, it keeps the elephants away!” He replied. “But there are no elephants in Paris!” The woman said. ...

I thought my wife was going on a Belgium holiday to buy chocolates. When she got back, I found out she’d actually been on holiday in Paris buying curtain materials.

It was a fabrication.

What do you call a dwarf who regularly rides the Paris Metro?

A Metrognome.

An American is talking to a girl in Paris

She says her name is Belle.

"That's a pretty name"

"Thanks. It means 'beautiful'. What does 'Nick' mean?"

"Oh, I don't know. It's just something my dad came up with while shaving."

I was surprised when I heard about the flooding in Paris...

...normally, the water is l'eau.

old soviet joke (I believe it was created after Czechoslovakia uprising)

So John, Pierre and Ivan are having few drinks. Guys start talking cars. Pierre brags a bit - "Well, in Paris I drive my Citroen, but to countryside I take Peugeot. Of course, for longer trips to Europe my wife insists on Renault - its so much more spacious". "Well, that's nothing, in London I drive...

A man jumps into a river in paris.

His friend is shocked and asks "What are you doing?". The man says "I'm in Seine!"

Bob and Jim in Paris

Two Americans, Bob and Jim, are on vacation in Paris. They're walking down the street, when a car pulls up, slamming on the brakes. The driver leans out.

"Parlez vous Francais?"

Bob looks at Jim and shrugs.

"Habla Español?"

The two men just stare.

"Parli I...

I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS...

**THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.**

What do you call a person swimming in Paris' waters in winter?

In *Seine*.

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So my Professor said "if you were granted invisibility for one day what would you do?"

I said, " I'd go to Paris and find a mime and beat the crap out of him and the applause from the crowd would be outstanding! "

A Saudi Prince is in Paris to meet a business associate.

They meet in a stylish bistro where the French businessman orders "un cafe".

Not wanting to be outdone the Saudi orders two cafes, a restaurant and a distribution warehouse.

When I was in Paris I got rip-roaring drunk and fell off a bridge into the river

It was in Seine

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