When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.

I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

Red flags in relationships are always so obvious in hindsight.

I blame the Doppler effect -- when they're coming right at you they look blue.

I told my wife I wanted to name our unborn son Obvious.

She said, "That's a stupid name."

I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."

There's a really obvious way to get people to bruise their shins.

When I tell you what it is, you'll kick yourself.

What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

I have a problem where I'm always falling for the most obvious things.

I guess I just don't understand the gravity of my situation.

One blond to another: which is further away, London or the moon? The other: helloo isn’t it obvious?

You can’t even see London from here

What did Dr. Obvious say to the Frenchman at the urinal?

European.

I never knew something could be "glaringly un-obvious"

I still have no idea why my wife is looking at me like that.

It was obvious that Communism would fail.

There were just so many red flags.

I once had a roommate who was an amputee and had a bad habit of stating the obvious.

We nicknamed him Legless. One day, he grew tired of this joke and insisted that we call him by his name, 'Li'. So now we call him Gimpli.

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection,

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

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Is it obvious what would happen if i sealed someones asshole?

No shit.

What did Captain Obvious say as a baby cattle entered the room?

A door a bull

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We had student's contest for the best short story of the first sex experience. The obvious winner was titled:

"Home Alone"

Just saw the new infinity wars trailer today and to me, it was pretty obvious who's dying.

Well, so long, DC.

Flat earthers are so close to the truth, but there are some obvious discrepancies . I've finally solved it...

Welcome to the Pringle Earth Society...and remember, once you see, you can't disagree.

This morning I saw a lady talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought the cat understood her...

When I got home I told my parrot. We had a good laugh. Lol.

What personal question is not obvious yet nobody has ever needed to ask anyone?

Are you vegan?

Obvious media bias

Michelle Obama gives a speech when her husband is being nominated, and the media is generally positive. Melania Trump gives the exact same speech, and the media pretends it's some kind of scandal.

It's Obvious...

So two mathematicians meet in the corridor of their building and one asks the other "so what are you working on?" The second mathematician replies "I've been working on this interesting proof, come into the lounge and I'll show you".

The two go into the faculty lounge and the guy starts to wo...

Isn't it obvious that she's a mom?

It's ap-parent.

It's obvious why Mike Pence would never be able to kneel for the National Anthem

he's already on his knees for Trump

Obvious, innit?

A guy was very self-conscious, because he'd been born without ears. Despite this, he'd become general manager at his company.

He was still self conscious though, so when interviewing people, he'd ask if they noticed anything about him, anything they could mention about him, and if people re...

It's rather obvious that dogs can't operate an MRI machine..

But catscan!

My friends started calling me captain obvious

But just so you know I’m not actually a captain, it’s just a nickname.

Clickbaits seem so obvious...

Just like this one.

As I arrived at work this morning, I saw a flower delivery truck parked outside my building, and a guy was frantically taking flowers from the truck to inside and was in an obvious hurry, so I encouraged him by shouting...

"Run, florist, run!"

I have an asian friend who always points out the obvious things

I call him obvious lee

Someone told me today that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

Pretty obvious, since I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Whats the most obvious feature shared by a leprechaun and a sober Irishman?

Neither exist.

What's the most obvious name you can give a Panda?

Pan, duh!

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Her best feature [nsfw]

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

Just bought a book "Jokes about Captain Obvious".

It's full of Captain Obvious jokes.

My Girlfriend said she was going to leave me because of my obsession with pointing out obvious escape routes...

So I showed her the door.

Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!

I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asks the shop assistant. "Which Barbie? responds the worker.

"We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?"...

woman pregnant with triplets is shot in the belly 3 times after robbery

she has a healthy pregnancy with no complications and gives birth to 2 girls and a boy. 15 years passes and one of the daughters runs to the mother crying saying that she was peeing and a bullet came. The mother finds this mildly amusing and begins to tell the story that took place 15 years ago. A c...

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table, so he went to Merlin for some advice...

The good wizard showed him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt...except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed. "Look at this opening! How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen!?"

"Ah, sire, just...

Don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm trying to get into your pants.

When It's quite obvious you appear to have difficulty getting into them yourself.

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In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day

Here's my favorite pirate joke:

When I was 17, I went on a class trip to a beach but I snuck away to explore on my own. I went into this bar. It had nautical stuff on the wall, a bunch of shark jaws, but also streamers and balloons about the place. It looked like there was a party going on. ...

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What do you call a blind male porn star?

I'd have thought the answer would be obvious.




Stiffy Wonder.

A guy shows up at work with two black eyes...

...when asked what happened he said, "I was riding on the bus this morning when this rather large woman stood up to get off. I noticed her dress was stuck in the crack of her ass, so being a gentleman, I politely pulled it out for her. She turned around and slugged me.

When asked how he got t...

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Little Johnny comes up to his mother and asks her

LITTLE JOHNNY: Mom, how are babies born?

MOTHER: Well I told you already honey, a stork brings them

LITTLE JOHNNY: Yeah that's obvious, but who fucks the stork?

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[NSFW] a soldier was home from tour and was naked in bed with his wife

As they talked it was obvious the mood was moving towards sex. So the soldier gets out of bed and stands at the side of the bed. He says to his wife "I learned this really neat trick. Do you want to see it?"

The wife replies "of course!" So the soldier looks down at his penis and says in a gr...

They say it's a mystery how the pyramids were built

But it seems obvious to me - they probably started at the bottom and worked their way up.

A blonde is doing a crossword puzzle...

"What's a 7-letter word for 'easily perceived or understood' that starts with 'O'?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"It should be, but I can't figure it out. That's why I'm asking."

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A dad and his son are walking home from the park...

The son notices two dogs humping and asks," Dad,what are those two dogs doing over there?"

"Uhh,uhh,well son,uh,isn't it obvious,uh?That one dog,uhh,hurt his leg and uhh,well uh,uh,the other ones helping him home,yea."

"Wouldn't you know it Dad,You go to help out a friend like that a...

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Doctors of reddit - who is that one patient you really wish you'd seen again?

It was actually during my junior year. A man, about 50, came in with walking difficulties - you could tell he was really struggling when he arrived at the surgery and even looked uncomfortable when he sat down. I was expecting a leg, hip or even back complaint but once the door was shut he admitted ...

A woman meets Syd the Stud in a bar.

They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hund...

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4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his ...

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

People were asking how the hell Data is going to be in the new Picard series

I thought it was pretty obvious that Jean Luc would have an unlimited Data plan

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A priest dies and stands in front of God.

A priest dies and stands in front of God.

God looks at the priest's ledger of good and evil and smiles after finishing it. Looking up at the priest, God says "I'm satisfied with how you've lived and how you've spent your life. I give you the option to choose — Hell or heaven?"

The prie...

A polish pilot is going in for a landing when he realizes the runway is not long enough. After putting on the emergency breaks he screeches to a halt, missing the airport with the nose of the plane by mere feet.

The enraged pilot told the reporters later on "This is an obvious design flaw in American airports, why the hell would they make the landing strips so short? Or so unbelievably wide!?"

A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain.

After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rath...

Lorraine is gone...

There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He began to like her and after a while it became obviou...

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Was reminded of my dad’s favorite joke when I saw a similar joke posted earlier today. He owns his own construction company and would tell this to everyone.

All the body parts get together to decide who is the boss of the body.

First is the brain. “It’s obvious I’m the boss. I’m the smartest and without me the body wouldn’t even know what to do.”

The hands speak up and say, “Without us the body wouldn’t be able to get food to the mouth. Th...

One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. Th...

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A old man and a young man play golf

The young man sees an old man hug an incredibly attractive 24 year old blonde. The woman leaves in a sport car peeling out of the facility wildly while leaving the old man with his golf gear. The old man walks towards the course smiling and seems to be settling up to start his game. The young man wa...

A Miami man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Miami.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then go...

What do you call two hippos riding a bicycle?

Optimistic!



My friend had this on a joke calendar this morning. If anyone can, please explain this to us. Are we that dumb that we don't get it, or is it so obvious that we might be over thinking it?

What am I?

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell ...

Why is the priest called Father?

Because daddy would be too obvious

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A businessman travelled to japan

...to attend an important meeting with a local company's CEO. The evening before the meeting, he was anxious and decided to find some distraction by ordering a prostitute to his hotel room. The sex was good and the woman kept yelling "Hai to, hai to, hai tooooo!" until they were finished. He did not...

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle.

For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.


Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, ...

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One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Dave, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Dave, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last nig...

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A turtle and a cat are gardening...

A turtle and a cat are gardening one day when the realize the need fertilizer. Their butler is too old to run the errand so they ask their friend rabbit to get it for them. Sure. After a couple hours the rabbit comes to his friends house and rings the doorbell. The butler answers. The rabbit asks...

Two men standing on opposite sides of a windmill disagree about which way the blades are spinning.

The man in front insists they’re going clockwise. The man behind says no, it’s obvious they’re going counter-clockwise. After a while, they agree to look at it from each other’s perspective. They realize that they were both right, it’s all a matter of perspective.

The moral of the story is th...

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I was with a woman the other night, she told me she was very tight down there..

So we're going at it, and she asks me to put a finger in her. I proceeded with not problem.

Things were getting hotter and wetter...so she asked me to insert another finger. I complied.

It was obvious she was having fun, but after a few minutes, she asked me to add a third one. Guess w...

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took at a card and wrote “Revelations 3:20” on the back of it and stuck it to the door.

When the offering was taken the following Sunday, the pastor found his card had bee...

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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms ...

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