UPJOKE
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Obvious Jokes

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.

I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

The tale of Sister obvious

Once upon a time there was a nun called Sister obvious, they called her that as she was very logical and had a solution for most things.

One day, Sister obvious and a fellow nun was walking home from the market when her fellow nun (let’s call her Sister May) said “Sister, I think there’s a ma...

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Jane was obviously attracted to Tarzan and asking him about his life asked how he had sex..

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show yo...

The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.

They've left those kids a loan.

EDIT: Woke up to find THIS :O

Just saw the new infinity wars trailer today and to me, it was pretty obvious who's dying.

Well, so long, DC.

I told my wife I wanted to name our unborn son Obvious.

She said, "That's a stupid name."

I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."

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Obviously and because.

Teacher in the class:

\-Kids, please form a sentence with words "obviously" and "because".

After a while teacher asks:

\-Have You come up with something, kids?

One kid raises his hand and says:

\-Grandma took the newspaper and went into the woods.

\-But wher...

It was obvious that Communism would fail.

There were just so many red flags.

I was bored and hit my Nokia with a hammer, it broke, obviously.

So, I took it to Best Buy to get it fixed, and the woman at the counter said they can't fix hammers.

It's obvious Bill Gates didn't create COVID

none of his other products are able to release new versions this frequently

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As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.





Edit: HOLY SHIT FRONT PAGE!!!! I'm so excited i almost cum in my pants! but i came in my dog instead :)

What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

Obvious media bias

Michelle Obama gives a speech when her husband is being nominated, and the media is generally positive. Melania Trump gives the exact same speech, and the media pretends it's some kind of scandal.

My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties

Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?

Who would be worse than Captain obvious?

Doctor Obvious

The waitress at the restaurant was obviously a massive Ska fan.

She kept trying to tell us about The Specials.

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

I never knew something could be "glaringly un-obvious"

I still have no idea why my wife is looking at me like that.

It's obvious people offering UFO conspiracy theories don't understand basic science.

If they did, they'd be offering UFO conspiracy hypotheses.

It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby.

Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.

Congratulations to the obvious winner of last night’s debate...

The voyager space probe hurtling away from our solar system at over 35k mph!

My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked.

My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."

My friends call me Captain Obvious

It's because I state the obvious.

What starts with W, ends with T and has two letters in between.

Just stating the obvious.

The moon landing was obviously fake.

Like the moon is still up there, it didn’t land anywhere.

My wife accused me of always stating the obvious.

I replied, "That's what you think."

Pretty Obvious

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

It's Obvious...

So two mathematicians meet in the corridor of their building and one asks the other "so what are you working on?" The second mathematician replies "I've been working on this interesting proof, come into the lounge and I'll show you".

The two go into the faculty lounge and the guy starts to wo...

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What do you call a constipated detective that solves cases with obvious details?

No shit sherlock.

Obvious, innit?

A guy was very self-conscious, because he'd been born without ears. Despite this, he'd become general manager at his company.

He was still self conscious though, so when interviewing people, he'd ask if they noticed anything about him, anything they could mention about him, and if people re...

Jesus was obviously white.

He even tastes like crackers!

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What do Tetris and sex have in common?

There’s no winning, it’s just about how long you last


Edit: stop saying I obviously don’t have sex. We’re on reddit. Isn’t that obvious by now?
Also ty to all the absolutely hilarious comment, y’all have made my day

With all the pictures of Epstein attending parties, talking to important people and generally socialising

It's obvious he didn't like to hang by himself

a man takes his 7-year-old daughter to visit a castle...

while they are visiting the castle, they come accross some stairs that lead to another floor. since the castle is filled of history and authenticity, the man, amazed by the castle, tells his daughter: "can you believe that a long time ago, the king, ministers and other important people used to take ...

My neighbour obviously doesn't watch adult movies...

She asked me to fix the sink and I'm still here an hour later fixing the sink. >.<

My teacher told me that I obviously didn't understand contractions.

I said, "I am better at them than you're."

What's black, and white, and OBVIOUSLY belongs in NeverLand?

Pan, duh.

Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!

I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.

My friends started calling me captain obvious

But just so you know I’m not actually a captain, it’s just a nickname.

Clickbaits seem so obvious...

Just like this one.

Just bought a book "Jokes about Captain Obvious".

It's full of Captain Obvious jokes.

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I once stole a jar of orca semen from my friend, the scientist. After a few years, I felt bad, and eventually returned it. My friend was obviously confused by this and said "Thanks, but what is it?" I replied...

"Your whale cum."

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A mother found out condoms in her daughter's dresser. She is obviously concerned, so she asks her, "Are you sexually active?" The daughter replies...

Not really, mom. I just sort of lie there.

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Is it obvious what would happen if i sealed someones asshole?

No shit.

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A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy."

At the checkout, the little te...

Red flags in relationships are always so obvious in hindsight.

I blame the Doppler effect -- when they're coming right at you they look blue.

TIL: bumblebees can fly higher than mount Everest

Kinda obvious. Considering mount Everest can't fly

Isn't it obvious that she's a mom?

It's ap-parent.

Our government leaders have obviously never played Civ....

If they had they would know that not investing in education science and the economy coupled with an unreasonably large military is a a good way to get worked over by Gandhi later in the game.

Democracy obviously doesn't work.

I mean, I was voted "most likely to succeed" at High School.

I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me

who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady say...

I think everyone is wrong about President Bolsonaro of Brazil. The man's obviously a deeply committed environmentalist...

After all, wiping out a sizable part of your population is a great way to save the rain forests.

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NSFW A Welsh coal miner is met at the door by his obviously angry wife....

when he arrives still drunk from the weekend on Sunday morning.

She asked him: "Did you not get paid Friday for working all month?"

He replies (with a belch): That I did, my lovely woman!"

She glares back at him, "And how much of that month's pay do you have left?"

Barely...

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

Politicians have been fighting the war on drugs for a long time and it's obvious that they're losing.

Maybe they should try doing it sober instead.

Once upon a time, in a magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

There's a really obvious way to get people to bruise their shins.

When I tell you what it is, you'll kick yourself.

If there is a body found at a barbershop, the most obvious murder weapon is the most likely.

It's Occam's Razor.

What did Captain Obvious say as a baby cattle entered the room?

A door a bull

I have a problem where I'm always falling for the most obvious things.

I guess I just don't understand the gravity of my situation.

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I once came home to find 4 masked men beating up my younger brother. Obviously I rushed over to help out.

...the little shit didn't stand a chance against all 5 of us.

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some h...

It's rather obvious that dogs can't operate an MRI machine..

But catscan!

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

Why was it obvious that a double amputee was the last one to exit a UK pub?

He was legless

There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......

One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"

The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...

God is obviously a Civil Engineer...

... Only a civil engineer would route a sewage system through a playground.

My friend was obviously upset, so I asked her what was wrong. She said they lost her brother last night.

Apparently, "Why aren't you out looking for him?" was not the reply she expected.

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

Jehovah is showing Ra around Heaven one day...

... when a man runs up to them, crosses himself, then spreads his arms and closes his eyes.

"Excuse me," Jehovah says to Ra, "this will only take a second." He waves his hands, there's a flash of light, and a purring kitten goes scampering away from where the man had been.

"Other than ...

At a doll store

Man: "Do you work here?"

Lady: "Yes!"

"I need to buy a Barbie doll for my daughter. How much are they?"

"Which Barbie? We have Barbie goes to the gym for $19.95, Barbie goes to the ball for $19.95, Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95, Barbie goes shopping for $19.95, Barbie goes...

It's obvious why Mike Pence would never be able to kneel for the National Anthem

he's already on his knees for Trump

Hiding my kids easter eggs in more obvious spots this year.

Hope they can find the 20 eggs I left in the middle of the street.

One blond to another: which is further away, London or the moon? The other: helloo isn’t it obvious?

You can’t even see London from here

This morning I saw a lady talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought the cat understood her...

When I got home I told my parrot. We had a good laugh. Lol.

A pair of obviously wasted jumper cables walks into a bar

and says to the bartender "gimmie a drink buddy."
The bartender looks him up and down and says, "alright, I will give you one drink. But you better not start something!"

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Obviously not

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During the US Government shutdown, obviously the US Mail is still working...

...because people keep posting the same shit again and again.

I arrived at the gas station only to see that its 7.00 dollars per gallon and 7.00 dollars per pack of cigarettes. And since my job is on the line, the answer is pretty obvious.

I can bike for 30 miles, its better for my health anyways.

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Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

Trump obviously has the support of the Freemasons

He wants to build a wall, and do you know who gets paid to build walls?
**MASONS!**

A man walks his dog late at night when he observes an obviously drunk guy. The guy stops at a parked car, swipes across the car's roof with his arm and says "Nope."

He stumbles over to the next car, again swipes across the roof with his arm and again: "Nope."

This goes on for a while until finally the dog owner decides to ask the man what he was doing.

Drunkard: "I'm searching my car!"

Dog owner: "But you can't find your car by swiping your...

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As told to me by an 85 year old shriner clown.

Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole. Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says "gee Susie, what's going on?"

Susie says "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious."

Mr. Johnson asks "why are you digging a hole?"

Susie replies "I'm burying my gol...

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What do you call a necrophiliac cumshot [Dirty (obviously)]

Ice Cream

Jim and Edna are both mental patients. One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn't come up for air. Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.

Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and sayes "Edna, Ive got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane 'saving anothers life'. But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom ..."
"Oh no' Edna ...

70% of dishes are under-seasoned, according to a recent survey by the seasoning manufacturers' association. Obviously, this is biased.

Take it with a grain of salt.

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How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Obviously not 8, because its still dark in my basement.

Flat earthers are so close to the truth, but there are some obvious discrepancies . I've finally solved it...

Welcome to the Pringle Earth Society...and remember, once you see, you can't disagree.

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Obviously I've considered doing porn since I have this huge...

butthole.

Do you know the one step to avoiding clickbait?

Obviously not.

gg y'all, inbox = rekt

I have an asian friend who always points out the obvious things

I call him obvious lee

Look at this wire! Is has so obviously been tapped!

Sorry Mr President, we call that a landline sir.

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We had student's contest for the best short story of the first sex experience. The obvious winner was titled:

"Home Alone"

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I was driving past a prison the other day...

Looking out my window, I glanced up and saw a dwarf scaling down a very tall fence. It was obvious he was breaking out of the prison. I looked up at him and he looked down at me with an angry stare like “wtf the fuck are you looking at?”

I drove away and thought to myself that was a little co...

Woody Allen and Louis C.K. die and go to hell (obviously)

Woody Allen and Louis C.K. die and go to hell (obviously). When they get there, Louis' eternal torture is to be forever trapped in the body of an eleven-year-old girl left in the unsupervised care of Woody Allen. Woody Allen's punishment is to be forever trapped in the body of Woody Allen.

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